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Topic : Divorce Support

Number of Replies: 4225
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:01:52 pm
Author : dataimport
Over half of all marriages end in divorce, but that doesn't make it any less painful for those going through it. Discuss your experience here.

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July 28, 2005, 2:24 am CDT

24years

Quote From: 24years

I've been married 26 years and my husband left me and the children and moved back in with his parents......it's been 3 months.....I believe in until death do us part.I am praying and waiting for him to come home.

How scary this is....our youngest child starts Kindergarten and Daddy is not at home.

I would love to hear from spouses who have abandoned their family...What lies did you tell yourself to make yourself believe it was OK to do this ?

And if you reconciled...what did it take and how long did it take ???

 

I believe in prayer.  I DO NOT believe in being stupid.  Get legal counsel now.

 

I hope others will have the answer you are looking for.

 
July 28, 2005, 2:32 am CDT

mdearest

Quote From: mdearest

I recently discovered that my husband of almost 11 years, has a girlfriend. I think he wanted me to find out as he used his cell phone to call her 55 times and he knew that I would see the bill. I guess I have known that this day was coming for the past few years, we don't communicate well and neither of us is very happy with our sex life. Still that doesn't make it any easier to deal with especially since he still sleeps at our house and comes and goes with his new life as he pleases. For years I haven't been allowed to have friends, so at this point I have no one to talk to and so many things to say. I really want to try to end our marriage nicely and hopefully be friends in the future as we have a 10 year old daughter and I don't want her to suffer because of her father and I. I of course have all the usual worries, like, will my daugther like being with him and his girlfriend more because they will have money and go and do things, where as I won't have much money at all. Then I have the, I'm almost forty, will I spend the rest of my life alone worries, the how will I survive worries and at least a thousand other worries from health insurance to how to change a flat tire. What I really need are people who have or are currently facing the same issues to talk to, which is what I am hoping to find here. Please if you need a friend, like I do ... write and I will write back.

 

YES, he wanted you to find out because he wants you to be the bad guy that ends things.  And no, nothing makes this easy.

 

You can do lots of talking on this site.  It really helps.  Some folks will communicate on the side also if you are ok with that.

 

Great legal counsel will help you with your worries.  Don't be NICE because you still want him to like you.  He blew that.  You have to protect yourself and daughter.  AAA will take care of that tire.  Worth every penny in my book.  He can pay for that too.

 
July 28, 2005, 2:41 am CDT

candacegil

Quote From: candacegil

Wow--you just gave me chills!  My life is almost parallel to yours right now.  Just had our 11th anniversary this weekend.  My husband has just moved out and although he says he's trying to work on our marriage--I just got our cell phone bill and he's talking to this woman from work--almost every night.  I wonder as you do--does he want me to find out and get angry, each time I mention that obviously our marriage is over he gets angry with me and says that he's not ready to say that.  He's kept me from having friends too, so my life has been all about him for the past 15 years--now I don't know what to do without him.  I believe he has depression problems, but he would never admit to that.  I'm not sure which way to go--should I keep spending time with him on his terms and hope that he figures out that he wants our marriage or should I get angry and tell him to leave me alone until he figures this out.  I haven't told him that I know about the cell calls, I feel that if I do I then take away the one thing that gives me insite as to what he's doing.  What confuses me most is he will talk to her either right before or right after he talks to me.  He had told me once they were just friends from work, but with everything going on and him moving out, this "friendship" sure isn't helping us.  I would love to communicate more---how do we get in touch??

 

Keep your mouth shut.  Do not give him any indication you know about the cell bill.  Just file everything away for future use. This is no innocent friendship. 

 

This is known as rubbing your nose in it.  He wants you to be the bad guy here.

 

He is NOT READY to end the marriage, but IS ready to move out and have a hoochie on the side.  No logic here at all.

 

I would not do things on HIS terms at all.  Please do not tell me you are sleeping with him.

 

Get legal counsel NOW.  Hubby still has WAY too much power in this situation.  Got any money for a PI?

 
July 28, 2005, 2:48 am CDT

dfielder

Quote From: dfielder

4 years ago, after 24 years of marriage, my wife told me she was not in love with me anymore. no abuse by either party, no infidelity(for sure on my side), my crime was i took her for granted. for the last 4 years i have tried everything i can think of to fix our marriage, to no avail. my problem is that i don't know how to leave. we have been together now for 31 years. i don't know how she will survive financially. our two daughters are 20 & 25 and they are both surprised that i have not left before now. i just don't know how to leave without alot of guilt/concern  about her survival, and my own future.

any help would be appreciated

 

Leaving after 31 years is tough.  You are denying the situation by worrying what will happen to her after you divorce.  I can tell you at least half of everything you own is going with her.  House, car, retirement plan, you get my drift. 

 

You need to focus on yourself.  Daughters are trying to tell you something.  Get legal counsel, split things up and move on.  Be sure you distance yourself emotionally and physically otherwise she will suck you back in on your guilt.  It takes two willing participants to make a marriage work.  Wife is telling you she is not willing.

 
July 28, 2005, 3:00 am CDT

alf8mykat

Quote From: alf8mykat

My wife and I have been married for almost 4 years. We have a beautiful little girl who will be 2 in October. About two months ago, my wife came to me and told me she thought we should live apart for a while to be able to work on things. She told me she thought it was the best thing for our marriage and it would help save our marriage. I was dead set against the idea, but I told her that if she truly felt it would help, I would do it. Basically, I felt like I would do anything to save our marriage. Also, we decided that we would begin marriage counseling immediately. Within 3 days of me being out of the house, she told me she was filing for divorce and no longer wished to go to counseling. Prior to that, the idea of divorce was never even brought up as a possibility.

 

I've most definitely made some mistakes in our relationship. For the last couple of years I've been trying very hard to run my own business out of the home. The fact of the matter is, I simply do not have the organizational skills to run my own business. It was failing, and I felt trapped. I was also a full-time stay-at-home father for the last year. I just felt like I had to keep trying. She didn't like the idea of being a full-time mother, and neither of us liked the idea of our daughter going to day care.

 

With the business, and also some instances of flat out being selfish, I just haven't been as attentive to her needs and her feelings as I should be. I acknowledge this whole heartedly, and I'm in counseling myself to overcome that, and also a depression I've been dealing with since childhood. Also, I've read several books on understanding relationships, and being able to express love better, etc. Through all of this, in the last two months, I've made some major changes in philosophy, and also in the way that I act.

 

My wife still loves me, she's told me this... She's scared to trust me though having trusted me with her feelings only to have me not take care of them before. I just don't know what to do... My family means more to me than anything in this world. I come from a family where my parents were divorced when I was very young, and it's something that to this day is causing me problems (the depression). I don't want this for my daughter, but even more so, I love my wife very much. I just don't know what I can do at this point to save my marriage.

 

Thanks to anyone who reads this and may be able to give me some encouraging words or advice.

 

Sincerely,

 

Andrew

 

 

The best thing in your post is that your wife says she loves you.  The worst thing is she lied and manipulated you right out of your own home.  And she certainly counted on your good nature to help things along.  I have never been able to understand how living apart helps a marriage unless there is violence.

 

Your organizational skills were defective when you began the business.  Why did you do it?  Childcare reasons?  Begin job hunting and shut that business down.  I do not like daycare either, but bet you have other options if you look hard enough.  My H and I worked opposite shifts for several years until both kids were in school.  Be very sure you do not have more children until things are worked out.

 

Kudos to you for the changes you have made.  Wife now needs to step up to the plate and come clean about what is motivating her.  I suspect there may be more to her story.

 

Counseling would be high on my list.  Maybe seperately at first, but eventually joint.  And take care of the depression issue.  Do not think you can handle all of this alone.

 

 

 
July 28, 2005, 3:12 am CDT

scooterpi

Quote From: scooterpi

My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years.  We are both over 40 years of age.  During our dating relationship he had a problem keeping his hands off other women (even while I was in his presence).  I even caught him in a bar with friends and his hands up a woman's blouse.  This finally ended and things were going well so we married.  2 years ago (6 months after we married) he started traveling and only came home everyother weekend.  While traveling he began going out with his co-workers (so I'm told) for dinner each evening and would not call me.  This went on for 1 year.  His comment was it just took so long for them to have their dinner.  I later found out he was having liquid dinners and getting drunk.  We began having major differences at that time.  I expressed how I felt about not being thought about enough to even receive a phone call.  The job soon ended and I tried to express to him that we can't go through the same things again.  He received another job out of state and left me to sell our home and join him later.  Two days after being in the new state he began the same thing.  I moved 1 month after he did because it was beginning to appear that he wasn't going to his room at the Inn at night.  Last week on his birthday he got drunk and told me if I didn't become more passionate he would divorce me. 

 

I think it is time for a divorce.  I do love him very much.  He seems to think his behaviors and actions are no big deal and that I should not take them seriously.  Please, someone tell me if you also think I am taking the behaviors and actions too seriously.

 

Was hubby married previously?  If so how long, why did they divorce and how long was he single?

 

His "problem" never really went away.  You closed your eyes and he got better at hiding it.

 

As another member says alcoholics are deep into denial.  Drunken demands will not improve your marriage.  He thinks sex is the cure.  It is NOT.  I know because my mother lived this for 40 years. 

 

I think it is at least time for legal counsel so you know where you stand.  You cannot love him enough to make him change.  HE has to do that.  And as Dr P says you are better off healthy alone than sick with someone else. 

 

My favorit Maya Angelou quote-Always believe someone when they show you who they are, because they always show you.

 
July 28, 2005, 3:20 am CDT

midlife2

Quote From: midlife2

Husband divorced me 2 yrs ago after 25 yrs together.H is 54, I am 58.-no kids He lost money in the market in '01, hated his job, his father (a shaky relationship) died suddenly in '02. Husband began an affair with an acquaintance of mine. I introduced them. 2 weeks later she spent the weekend in my house while I was out of town taking care of my elderly mother. Woman declared undying love for my husband and promptly kicked her husband out of her house (her 3rd) and started divorce proceedings. I discovered affair 3 mos later. Tried to hold marriage together but it was too far gone. I apparently had been sleepwalking thru the marriage. H started drinking again after 17 yrs of not drinking, got heavily into porn, and internet chat rooms. The once gentle affectionate man began to act like a bipolar Jekyll and Hyde. We continued to live in the same house for nearly a year after I discovered affair. I asked him to leave twice and he refused. (Then found out there was nothing legally I could do about that). I read Divorcebusting and The Divorce Remedy and other books and remained clam while he lived in another state 1/2 of the week and with me 1/2 of the week. His boss was cooperating with this arrangement. H filed for divorce and was extremely ugly blaming me loudly all of the way saying very cruel things to me. It was a terrible time. My H was very depressed --mother and father both were diagnosed with bi polar disorder. H's father never was treated and led a doulbe life as long as I knew him.I'm single nearly 2 yrs now and thanks to good therapists am feeling very good. Our marriage was the first for both of us. H wrote last year that he didn't know what happened to him. He remains with the other woman (her 4th marriage at age 50) And may I add, she is a therapist. I wrote last year to the show asking for consideration of the topic of men's midlife crisis-depression etc. Michelle Davis and Jed Diamond have been two comforting sources for me. Additionally ,the husband of a friend of mine committed suicide the same year. No outward signs of depression and seemingly was very togehter. No marital or helath problems. He was same age as my H. It feels like an epidemic.

 

Based on the Dr P boards there is an epidemic.  And bipolar was my first thought.

 

I have to wonder WHY a guy chooses his wife's friend to screw.  And in your home yet.  Too lazy to look for another? 

 

Yeah, hoochie was on the hunt and ex is gonna have tons of fun being divorce #4.  Another male failing.  If she has slept with everyone else in the state, she's the one he wants.  DUH

 

Yep, if his name is on the house in my state he cannot be forced to leave. 

 

You sound like a very strong lady and I will take your source recommendations to heart.  Thanks. 

 
July 28, 2005, 3:30 am CDT

dex1977

Quote From: dex1977

I too have resently seperated.  My husband left our family in March 2005.  It has been so hard on all of us.  Kids(12 and 9)  Sept. will be our 15th year of marriage.  I dion't understand how he can say he still loves me but does not want to be with me.  What does all this mean?  I am comitted to my marriage.  He said he would not take off his wedding ring and then the very next week he did take it off.  I am trying to move on with my life but it is a long hard ride.  I take things one day at a time but some days are soooo hard.  How am I supposed to act around him?  What does he want from me?  How can I be just friends with him when I want more?  I have so many questions and I don't know where to get answers.  I can say that I put my marriage in the Lord's hands, because I just don't know what else to do.  I can't fix our marriage by myself. 

Any advise would be helpful. Thanks.

dex77@nc.rr.com

 

 

Hubby probably has someone waiting in the wings.  Not really sure she wants him or she is married too so the winds change every week.  This means he wants to have his cake and eat it too.  Great deal for him.  Hell for you and the kids.

 

I do not think you owe him ANY of your time.  Find something else to do.  No affair though.  Exercise, volunteer, dinner with friends, something like that.  Get a third party to assist with connecting him and the kids, if he has the time.  Keep conversations short and relevant.  Do not wander down memory lane.  You need emotional and physical distance if you are to heal.  And when you quit being so available hubby will be very shocked.  He is counting on your good nature to keep his options open.

 

You will never have all the answers you want.  Don't think he knows himself.  Yes, it is a long ride.  Two years at least.

 

No, you cannot fix your marriage alone and must face the fact that your husband may not really want to help.  Faith will be your greatest asset.

 
July 28, 2005, 1:14 pm CDT

Mid-Life Crisis????

I feel I am no longer in love with my husband of 13 years. We don't fight or anything.  I just feel like he is more of a friend now.  We have two children so if we were to get a divorce, they would be devastated.  Could this be some sort of mid-life crisis?  I'm 31 years old.  I need help.  I'm so confused.
 
July 28, 2005, 2:23 pm CDT

A friend?

Quote From: britza

I feel I am no longer in love with my husband of 13 years. We don't fight or anything.  I just feel like he is more of a friend now.  We have two children so if we were to get a divorce, they would be devastated.  Could this be some sort of mid-life crisis?  I'm 31 years old.  I need help.  I'm so confused.

If your partner is a friend, then I'd say you are one lucky woman.

 

It is normal for marriage to have an ebb and flow of love -- just like the tides.  Somedays there is more love, some days less and on certain days there is no love at all.

 

It takes two people to ruin a relationship. 

 

If you feel something lacking in yours, then it is up to YOU (and hubby) to figure out what's wrong and fix it.  That means opening up, being honest -- even when it hurts, and TALKING about it.

 

If you aren't sure what's lacking or if you don't know where to begin to start talking with hubby or if you stay confused, then I do think you need help.

 

I would suggest that you get some counseling. 

 

If you aren't sure what to do, my rule is... don't do anything until you are sure.

 

And if you aren't in love with hubby anymore, don't you think you owe it to him to tell him and give your marriage a chance to work?  (Of course, I am assuming you haven't talked to him about that -- hope I'm wrong).

 

A good relationship with WORTH fighting for and from the sound of it, you have a good one.  And with some effort on both your parts you could even have a GREAT one.

 

It's all up to you guys.  Q

 
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