Quote From: rgmclean Hello,
I am at my wit's end. My wife and seperated about 37 days ago because I was being very selfish and not spending any time with her. We've been married 2 years and together for almost 5. I'll try to break it down without writing a novel.
Throughout my life I've been a fairly solitary person, and I've had a couple of extremely painful and bad experiences in the past with women cheating on me. Then I met my wife. My wife is the most beautiful and patient woman I've ever met, and she loved me, flaws and all, and I her. Because of my inability to really get closure on my past, we've had many splits in our relationship but we always managed to get back together and work things out.
During our 2 years of marriage, we've had our shares of problems as well, but all in all, I felt we were going along as normal, learning how to deal with issues that couples go through. I'll be blatantly honest, 6 months after our marriage, I left and stayed at a friends place for 2 weeks after a particularly bad argument. I was scared that she was going to leave me and angry from the battle, so I made a stupid mistake and left. 2 weeks later I returned and I vowed that I would never do that again because it was an extremely bad way to deal with situations, it was damaging to my wife and our relationship and she deserved a man who worked within our marriage instead of a boy who ran away.
Since then, I've sunk all of my time playing games (I'm a gamer, please don't hate me), but I always felt somewhat bothered by it. I would constantly ask my wife if I was not spending enough time with her, but she would always say things like "well, just come hang out with me sometimes and it's fine", so I would do that. Eventually, this led to extreme trouble, but she continued to placate me. On the day before she left, I had set aside the whole day to hang out with her, and she went out with a friend. She came home late in the evening with friends outside and we got into a massive fight because I felt (wrongly) that I had been left behind. Shouting and humiliation ensued, in front of other people and she never came home. The next day she came home, packed some bags and left.
Now I'll be clear and honest again, I realize now that I was causing all the problems in our relationship. I realize now that I was damaging our relationship, not placing my wife and our needs first, and neither of us were communicating clearly. I understand that I was the main source of the problems between us. Since she has left I have been working diligently with self-help books (including Dr. Phil's 'Relationship Rescue'), attending therapy and seriously trying to modify my attitude and my lifestyle. I no longer play any games on the computer and now that I understand the massive amount of isolation and harm I was causing I've been desperately working towards becoming a much better person so that it doesn't happen anymore. You may be asking yourself why I waited until after the seperation to start these processes; all I can say is that I believed my wife when she said things were fine. It was stupid and naive; I know that now. I should've been paying much more attention to what was being said between the lines.
Now my wife and I haven't spoken for 16 days. Last night she did not attend therapy (but she never said she would come) and I am at a loss. I have no right to ask for a 2nd chance from my wife. We both made mistakes though, and I'm scared that she's not willing to see that I've made a conscious and real effort to change myself to be a better person and a good husband. I don't know how to approach my wife, or contact her. I'm not even sure I should. I feel very hurt that she's out, living life like she's single and just ignoring me and our relationship. My friends say that she's just not ready to deal with it and she will soon, but every day I feel more ignored and unworthy. Not to mention she's probably hanging out with a bunch of people who are cheering her on because they only know her side of the story. I feel my wife still loves me, and I know I love her. I fear that she is going to divorce simply out of stubborness.
I understand that I made lots of mistakes and caused a lot of pain. Condemn me if you feel you must, but please also realize that I am only human (and a stupid guy). It was all unintentional and the moment I learned what I was doing, I've taken many steps to prevent it and learn how to not do it in the future. I do not know what to do, I do not want to lose my wife. I've tried so hard and I don't want to give up but I feel like she's giving up on me. I'm not sure what else to say right now, so I'll stop here.
- Ryan
You two have been together for almost 5 years, but have been separated for 37 days. Even if she doesn't go to therapy sessions, you keep going. If she still loves you, and I would bet she does, the fact that you stuck with it, even without her, will speak volumes. It will prove to her that you are serious about change, and not doing it to placate her or get her back. If you can get her to at least hold off on any divorce decisions for awhile, consider it a battle won in the war.
You do realize that excessive gaming is an escape just like eating, alcoholism, and other addictions? I wish you all the best in your efforts.
