Topic : Divorce Support

I am married to a woman who has Bipolar disorder.

 She was granted disability for her disorder almost a year ago.  We have been married for almost 24 years.  I love her as much today as I did when we first got together.  We have two children- a girl/woman Karol who is 20 and has a son, and we have a son 18.  This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life reporting her to you.  She is a danger to herself and all of us.    She is becoming more and more angry each day about everything that she things is happening.  An example is yesterday she thought my daughters son had slept on the plastic of the playpen all day when in fact he slept with his mother in the bed all that evening.  A small thing to most but she was furious and screaming obscenities to me @ 9:00pm as well as 3: 00am after my daughter went to work and called and left a very hateful message on my daughters phone when she was at work.  This morning at 9:30 am it began again with me screaming she was not going to take care of my grandson that I would have to till my daughter got home because I had called her a liar not believing that my grandson slept on the plastic.  He did NOT sleep on the plastic at all.  This seems very trivial but she becomes very enraged about things and delusional thinking things happened when they don’t.  An example of something major lately is -  We do not remember what set her off a couple of weeks ago but she told my daughter to get out and never come back.  She mad her grab whatever she could (including her son) and cussed her out all the way to the car, then chased her in her car trying to run my daughter (with her son) off the road into the ditch.  I was getting cell calls from my wife screaming at me during her chase of my daughter, then from my daughter saying she was in fear of her son and her own life that my wife was trying to kill her.  Not the first time either.  I have many many stories like this and my kids can tell you many more. 

    I don’t want to do this but I feel I have to because she has said here lately she is going to hurt herself more than once.  She is Bi-polar and needs help wheter she stay with me or not. 

I could go on and on…..

I have problems to and probably need conseling again for the next few years but my wife needs helop.  Divorce or not.

Hi. My name is Jessica. I am 26 years old and I have been married less than a year. When i got married to my husband he promised we would have a child together. This was one of the reasons we had previously broken up. But we got engaged and he promised. Well the time has come to collect on that promise and he is saying "NO!" Not even thinking about it. He says he does not want to be "tied down with that responsibility" and "it will ruin our marriage." I'm sad to say that Not having a baby is ruing our marriage quickly. To make it worse he has a child that is 9 years old w/ another woman that we have 1/2 the week. He said he only had that child to "make his wife happy." So i am left to think he doesn't want this wife to be happy!   ....  Well my advice to you.. First i'd say that if you are not "in love" with him then why have a baby with him or force him into something?  even though he promised. You don't want to "trap" him because that will make him resent you and that too will lead to cheating and divorce eventually.  Have you talked to him about a marriage therapist? Mine won't go but maybe yours will. What kind of other problems do you have? If you don't mind me asking, if its not too personal. Anything serious? Is he abusive to you? As much as divorce sucks this may be your only option if he won't listen or try to work through this. Especially if you are not in love with him.

I hope this has helped in some way. I feel like i was meant to read this because i have been struggling with the same problem for almost 2 months now. Its very sad and frustrating.

If you want to email me off the message board my email is: DaisyRN504@Adelphia.net Just put "Dr Phil" as the topic so i don't aciidently delete it!  Thanks for "listening"  :)

Hi, everyone I am new here and in need of opinions. Sorry for the long post but I wanted everything be as clear as possible.

My partner and I have been living together for over 10 years.  The entire time I have never felt he was 100% here with me, there has always been a distance on his part. A few years ago he began an ugly habit. He touches me in my sleep.  I have spoken to some friends about this and they say their husbands do this too.  But I notice there is a difference.  Although he claims he does it to arouse me so that I will wake up wanting to have sex he doesn't make a move once I am up.  Instead he pretends to be asleep and tells me I am imagining it.  Also, I was sexually abused in a similar fashion by an older girl when I was in grade school. She claimed to be helping so I would know what to do when I was with a boy.  And yes my partner knows this.

I understand that he is frustrated and I have tried to change but my sex drive hasn't been the same since giving birth to our children.  He was not considerate at all and even cheated on me.  He made me feel guilty and not normal. The touching has gone on for years despite my attacking him, fighting and threatening to leave. Last year I felt I had had enough and got a full-time job and started planning my seperation.  After some time I decided that maybe I should give it one more chance.  He promised he would stop and that he never broke his promises (previously he had only said he would when I agreed to more sex). I made big changes, I was more positive and affectionate just like he had always asked and even initiated sex. Things were wonderful for about a month and I was very happy and envisioning a bright future for us. He even hinted at us possibly getting married, finally. Then the first time I dared say I was too tired he did it again.

When I went back to work I was very depressed and was consoled by a co-worker.  I didn't say anything about what was going on at home but he could sense I was upset and went out of his way to cheer me up.  He ended up inviting me to a movie and I accepted.  I told my partner I was going with a group.  When they day arrived we missed each other at the meeting place and ended not going. But the damage was done, my partner had become suspicious and started snooping around checking my cell records and tracking my web use. He broke into my email and checked my favorite message boards and found out about my crush on my co-worker and my plans to go out with him.  Although every post and email said that it was platonic and that I had no intention of being more than friends he blew up. 

He accussed me of sleeping with him and called my co-worker.  I was so embarrassed.  We battled for days, he told the children terrible things about me and about my plans to leave him. I broke down more than once and a neighbor finally came and took the children out of concern for their safety. He struggled with me as I attempted to leave the house and call my family and ended up with bruises. He also made some startling revelations about himself that I cannot forgive and which explained his distant attitude. 

He has asked for forgiveness and begun counseling. But he has relapsed a few times.  I am very conflicted about what to do.  Should I give him a chance to go through with his therapy and see what happens or do I make him leave.  Part of me wants to give him a chance but part of me feels I can never forgive him and never trust him. I know all the reasons why I should stay and the ones for leaving.  I am so afraid of making a mistake and I have seen my childrens faces when he spoke of our break up to them, they were devastated. I'm so scared, what do I do? How can I move on? Is it possible to forgive and move with someone you have so much resentment towards?

You say he 'touches' you while you sleep.  Do you feel he is doing so because he is sexually frustrated and this helps fulfill that need?  Or, perhaps, is it a turnon for him?  He needs to answer truthfully about why he does so.

Because of your emails and such, he certainly has the right to feel that he cannot completely trust you; think how you would feel if you found the same evidence.  It takes time to earn back trust; you did come very close to allowing a third party into your marriage.   I sense you are both needing something from the other that you are not getting; perhaps him sexually and you emotionally.  You two must sit down and talk about your true inner feelings; if you cannot talk to your mate then who can you talk to?  You two are also confidantes as well as lovers and should never feel afraid to open up about how you feel.  We cannot help how we feel; be it the truth or not.  Clear the air; without any blame, judgement or anger - do not try to be 'right' about anything as feelings and thoughts are not 'right', they 'just are'.  Once you can talk, you will be able to take the steps needed for both of you.  Good luck!

My husband and I have been married for 4 years. I became aware of his drug addiction a year into the marriage. I was there for him through his so called detox and relapses. Little did I know - that he never quit. It's caused a lot of heartache on our relationship. I used to trust him, but now I can't. It's only been a 6 weeks since he quit for sure, but now he's drinking more everyday. We've never had a chance to work on our marriage because we've always worked on him and what he was going through. I've been waiting for our turn together. I feel that I've been there for him, but he's never there for me. He doesn't take my feelings seriously. He doesn't get that all this has taken a tole on me emotionally and I need compassion and sincerity from him. I always try to tell him what's bothering me, but he doesn't get it. He bypasses my feelings and talks about his. He's not willing to get counseling to help us. He thinks we can do it by ourselves. I think we could, but what we're doing isn't working. We argue all the time when I bring up how I feel. So this tells me that he doesn't care too much. I've lost respect for this man, and I'm loosing my feelings of love for him. He comes home drunk, and last night he didn't come home at all cause of an arguement that we had. The fight was about telling him what I needed from him once again. He didn't want to hear it especially on his day off. He would rather drink and have a good time. I feel I've been good to him. I've loved him through his worst, I've stood beside him through his addiction, and I've waited for us to have a better relationship. But, nothing's changed in that aspect of our lives. I am almost 35 years old. I was ready to settle down when I was 18. I've waited for so much. I cry everyday, I'm stressed everyday, I wonder everyday what I should do. My husband is so stubborn. He won't give in to anything. He's so always trying to be right. I feel like he could care less if I was here or not because he doesn't show me any kind of compassion. Maybe I can't get over the fact that he's been on drugs for 10 years. We've never discussed how it made me feel that he was hiding it from me. We've always discussed how he feels when he's on or off of them. I pray for help everyday, but I don't know how to get it. I thought maybe if I was just to shut up about it all that things would get better. It's a heaviness that inside my heart weighing me down. When you want something so bad and you've tried everything to get it and it all fails-what do you do? I cry in my bedroom and he just walks by me like he pretended not to see me crying. I tell him that all he has to do is talk to me about how I feel and maked me feel loved by him, but he doesn't. He'll fight to be right, but not fight for us. What do I do?  

Thanks so much for your reply.  I have been telling myself many of the same things you said but some days are harder than others.  After I posted that message I went and spoke to him. I had the same idea about seperating during therapy and he agreed.  He said he's already looking at apartments.  My oldest was sent to speak to the social worker because of a lack of concentration.  He was very understanding and sent me a list of counselors he has worked with who he thinks could help my children through the separation.  I also had a long conversation with my best friend and spent some time with my mom today so all in all, today was a good day and I'm hopeful once again. 

BTW, the thing I found out about was a friendship with a female college buddy that he claimed I would be too jealous to understand.  Hmmm, could it be because it was another college "buddy" he cheated with?