Message Boards

Home

Message Boards

Topic : Divorce Support

Number of Replies: 4365

New Messages This Week: 0

Last Reply On:

Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:01:52 pm

Author : dataimport

Over half of all marriages end in divorce, but that doesn't make it any less painful for those going through it. Discuss your experience here.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

( Subscribe to this Topic )

ritehere

User Mood
Relaxed

Message Emote
chillin'

October 5, 2005, 9:56 am PDT

Cards and notes...

Quote From: rgmclean

I guess the parts that really concern me are that if we're not communicating, how can she see the changes that I'm making? 37 days, 16 with no communication have felt like an eternity to me. Faith is not something I was raised with and due to my past, which I am working hard on putting behind me, is really wearing me down. I'm afraid any day she'll have found a new man to 'replace' me with.

I don't plan on stopping anything that I am doing, and I'm trying to improve my spirit and my attitude.

- Ryan

Have you tried sending her little notes? A card saying you are missing her and thinking of her can be a way to keep you in her thoughts without intruding physically. Its very possible that she needs this space right now. You know the old saying, "Absense makes the heart grow fonder?"
I wouldn't get obssesive with the notes and send them constantly. Every other day or two, maybe some flowers; again, don't overdo it. The idea is to send the message that you're out there, being patient, doing what you must, and that you still love her.
I was not raised in faith either, but have found solace in the love that surrounds us many times. Trust in the universe, trust in yourself, trust in her.

Read Replies to this Message

rgmclean

User Mood
Scared

Message Emote

October 6, 2005, 8:45 am PDT

Divorce

Quote From: ritehere

Have you tried sending her little notes? A card saying you are missing her and thinking of her can be a way to keep you in her thoughts without intruding physically. Its very possible that she needs this space right now. You know the old saying, "Absense makes the heart grow fonder?"
I wouldn't get obssesive with the notes and send them constantly. Every other day or two, maybe some flowers; again, don't overdo it. The idea is to send the message that you're out there, being patient, doing what you must, and that you still love her.
I was not raised in faith either, but have found solace in the love that surrounds us many times. Trust in the universe, trust in yourself, trust in her.

I'm just afraid that it'll add pressure. I don't want to make anything worse, but at this point, I feel like everything I do makes it worse. I just don't know how to proceed.

Read Replies to this Message

ritehere

User Mood
Relaxed

Message Emote
quiet

October 6, 2005, 9:29 am PDT

Pressure...

Quote From: rgmclean

I'm just afraid that it'll add pressure. I don't want to make anything worse, but at this point, I feel like everything I do makes it worse. I just don't know how to proceed.

After 16 days I don't see that one little note is going to add to any pressure unless you make some demands in it. Just send her one of those blank cards with a picture on the front, one that you know she'll like. In it just state that you are still attending counseling and would like to see her there, but will keep it up even if she doesn't because you realize you need it. Maybe add an apology for past behavior and let her know you are serious about changing. Keep it short, simple, and to the point. No pleading for forgiveness, if she's not ready to do that yet it will just make her mad.

Read Replies to this Message

latingirl

User Mood
Cheerful

Message Emote

October 6, 2005, 1:54 pm PDT

help please

Well I am not sure where to start or if I am in the right place. My parents got divorced when I was 8. (I am not 30). Long story short, my Dad was abusive, mentally and physicall and a heavy drinker! Well they divorced, but My Sister and I have always remained close to my Dad while living with my Mother. They got back together when I was 16 and remarried years ago. Both are now recovering alcoholics and actually had a child 4 years ago. YEAH, I have a 4 year old sister, weird since I have two kids myself (7 - 11). Anyhow, problem is my Mother has cancer and my Dad still has major anger problems. He yells, screams, hits, controls and throws things over nothing. The other night my Mom was on the phone with me and I heard my Dad yelling because he dropped a hamburger on the floor after cooking (he does everything around the house) and was mad so he yelled at my mom and my mom was crying. I have heard it all so many times and told my mom that she needs to leave him or live with it. It's her choice, but she can't get everyone involved all the time and have her do nothing about it. My older sister (31) also still gets yelled at by my Dad when she calls, he screams at her, why are you calling again, what do you want and hangs up on her. By the way she is exactly like my mother, she takes it. Since we were kids, I was always the one that stuck up for my older sister, my mother and myself when my dad would try to hit any of us. Therefore, I got most of the physical abuse. He would hit me all the time but I would fight back and run away from home. At the age of 14, I was ready to move on with my life without my family. NOW that I am an adult and have my own kids, I try to make it work for everyone when it comes to my parents. My dad does not get angry around me or my kids. He is the picture perfect grandfather and father when it comes to me now. When I call (unlike when my sister calls) he asks if I want to come to dinner, how are the kids, do I need any money........ I think the attitude and behavior difference is I will not tolerate the abuse from my Dad and I never have. He tried yelling at me once when I got married, I just hung up on him and didn't speak with him in months. No remorse on my side. He pleaded to me that he missed my kids and me and he would never yell at me again. I told him try that again, and you will have it harder than you think. You will NO longer be apart of my family. No if's and's or but's involved. I am a strong person. BUT my mother is not. She lives with him belittling her and wants me to confront him and tell him to go to anger management, which I already have done before. I am at a lose as to what the next step is. I DO NOT want my baby sister to be in this household and I have told BOTH of them that I will not hesitate to call the police if he hits my mother again and my sister is in the middle of all of this. I will fight for custody for my little sister and have no regrets. I want to help before I am forced to do anything major. Any ideas?

Read Replies to this Message

wierzb

User Mood
Stressed

Message Emote

October 6, 2005, 6:47 pm PDT

Divorce

Quote From: ritehere

I think many men, and women too, feel that time is running out. They feel that there are stones unturned and they have regrets. I think this is the cause of so many "mid-life" crises. Even the most loving, responsible people can fall prey to this. As long as the spouse is not hunting for a new mate, try to be understanding and supportive. You may even have a few adventures together again.

Under normal circumstances, I would agree with you, but what about the spouse he has left to wanderlust? Midlife crises or not, that hurts especially when I have been a tolerant (more than tolerant) spouse and have put up with a lot of emotional abuse. When I finally convinced him we needed marriage counseling, he swore at the therapist and walked out. And now you tell me I should be tolerant, compassionate and understanding? NOT. Yes, I am lonesome, but guess what the bonus is? non hurtful days for me and no abuse. I would just like an explanation as to WHY and then I can move on.

Read Replies to this Message

gubinski1

User Mood
Nervous

Message Emote

October 6, 2005, 7:18 pm PDT

DIVORCE

I AM RECENTLY DIVORCED AFTER 6YRS OF MARRIAGE. THIS IS MY SECOND MARRIAGE. WE DIDNT COMMUNICATE AND HE HAS ANGER ISSUES. WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 10YRS AND IN THE PAST HE WAS INTO PLAYBOY MAGAZINES. I TOLD HIM I FELT BETRAYED BY IT AND IT HURT ME AS A WOMAN. I LOST MY TRUST IN HIM DUE TO THIS AND HE CANT UNDERSTAND. WE HAVE BEEN APART ABOUT 1MTH AND HE HAS ALREADY GONE TO PURCHASE FHM AND STUFF MAGAZINES. I KNOW THEY ARE NOT PORN BUT I CAN'T UNDERSTAND THE URGENCY. HE HAS BEEN TOLD FOR THE PAST 1YR HE HAS ED AND IMPOTENCE. I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY THE MAGAZINES WHEN YOU HAVE NO DESIRE AND HAD A PROBLEM WITH ME. I HAVE A HARD TIME EVEN THINKING OF EVER GETTING BACK TO HIM BECAUSE OF THIS. SHOLD I EVEN BOTHER OR SHOULD I GO ON WITH MY LIFE.

Read Replies to this Message

shaybay

User Mood
Happy

Message Emote

October 7, 2005, 4:44 am PDT

Divorce

Quote From: gubinski1

I AM RECENTLY DIVORCED AFTER 6YRS OF MARRIAGE. THIS IS MY SECOND MARRIAGE. WE DIDNT COMMUNICATE AND HE HAS ANGER ISSUES. WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 10YRS AND IN THE PAST HE WAS INTO PLAYBOY MAGAZINES. I TOLD HIM I FELT BETRAYED BY IT AND IT HURT ME AS A WOMAN. I LOST MY TRUST IN HIM DUE TO THIS AND HE CANT UNDERSTAND. WE HAVE BEEN APART ABOUT 1MTH AND HE HAS ALREADY GONE TO PURCHASE FHM AND STUFF MAGAZINES. I KNOW THEY ARE NOT PORN BUT I CAN'T UNDERSTAND THE URGENCY. HE HAS BEEN TOLD FOR THE PAST 1YR HE HAS ED AND IMPOTENCE. I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY THE MAGAZINES WHEN YOU HAVE NO DESIRE AND HAD A PROBLEM WITH ME. I HAVE A HARD TIME EVEN THINKING OF EVER GETTING BACK TO HIM BECAUSE OF THIS. SHOLD I EVEN BOTHER OR SHOULD I GO ON WITH MY LIFE.

Please go one with your life. Dr. Phil says the best predicter of future behavior is past behavior. Take it from somebody who dealt with the exact same issue as you're dealing with. The porn may go away but the problems remain. Here I am 13 years later and just as unhappy as I was then. Now I face a divorce with two precious little ones. It breaks my heart that I didn't have the courage to say "hey this isn't what I want" and moved on then. Hindsight....

Read Replies to this Message

shaybay

User Mood
Happy

Message Emote

October 7, 2005, 4:59 am PDT

Divorce

Quote From: msyvrn

In my 2nd year of being single, I seem to be only moving backward. I am still attempting to reconcile what should be buried by now. I have read many self helps in attempts to move forward I understand the process and have begun the work required to reach success. My ex and I have become sexually active in the last 7 months.(initiated by me) each encounter we express our concerns about the wrong we are doing and say this wont reoccur. but it continues, I have decided that for some reason that I have not been able to express to my ex. this is a obvious sign that we should attempt repairing our family not just for us but also our 2 children(13&5). I'm confused and have the desire to end this destructive behavior. I try eventhough I dont hold out much hope that he will ever be my husband, for his pride and having to admit he made a mistake are 2 things that are impossible to overcome. I need some new ideas regarding acceptance and living with what I cant change, for I understand that no matter how obvious the signs are I cant make him see, or act in accordance with what should be.

You have to mourn the death of a marriage just as you mourn the death of a loved one. You're still in mourning and in a panic you felt after 2 years you weren't feeling "better" you raced to your ex for "comfort". Sex clouds everything. You didn't run to him because you loved him or wanted him back, you ran to him out of convenience, familiarity and it was "better" than what you had been offered since your divorce. You left him for a reason and I can guarantee that reason still stands. I know this because I did the same thing. Out of a marriage 1.5 years, experienced panic that I wasn't "over it" yet and ran to what I knew. We remarried. We now have two adorable children who are about to suffer through my second divorce with this man. People don't change. You left him for a reason and if you reconcile, you'll leave him again for that same reason. Good luck.

Read Replies to this Message

rgmclean

User Mood
Scared

Message Emote

October 7, 2005, 6:42 am PDT

Divorce

Quote From: ritehere

After 16 days I don't see that one little note is going to add to any pressure unless you make some demands in it. Just send her one of those blank cards with a picture on the front, one that you know she'll like. In it just state that you are still attending counseling and would like to see her there, but will keep it up even if she doesn't because you realize you need it. Maybe add an apology for past behavior and let her know you are serious about changing. Keep it short, simple, and to the point. No pleading for forgiveness, if she's not ready to do that yet it will just make her mad.

Yesterday I found out that my wife has been talking to lawyers. I'm not sure how made up she is on getting a divorce, but it seems that she's going forward with it. This has really hurt me. I wrote her a letter last night and plan on giving her a short phone call today, but I fear rejection and that no matter what I do it won't be enough to change the situation. Now I feel a tremendous pressure because she is going forward and I am not good at facing my fears. My stomach is in knots and I didn't sleep a wink last night.

Read Replies to this Message

dawny71

User Mood
Distressed

Message Emote
upset

October 7, 2005, 2:13 pm PDT

Need another divorce.....I think

My husband and I married in 1993, divorced in 1999 and remarried in 2000. The second "marriage" has not been satisfying from the start. There are sooooo many issues.....

I don't want to go through divorce again, but, I am not happy. As Oprah says--I am not living my best live, and I KNOW it. Is anyone else in a similar situation, where you feel ambivalent about continuing your marriage? It makes me feel like I can't move forward but I can't bring myself to get out of this rut either.

(Some of the afore mentioned ISSUES: his addiction to alcohol, our two children, all the bills are in MY name, the house belongs to his parents, I am not employed,) ---so I feel like I CAN'T leave because I have no money and no where to go...but I can't tell him to leave because it's his family's name on the title of the house...aaagggrrhhhh. I DO NOT want my children to think that this is okay!

I imagine myself single, and feel happier, but can't see how to make it happen. Then again, I would be losing so much if we divorced again...

Any sane responses to my totally mental rambling?

Dawn

Read Replies to this Message

First | Prev | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | Next | Last

Recent Shows: Behind the Headlines | "Bring Me Back My Hot, Se... | Teen Mama Drama | Majoring in Failure? | A Father Accused: Who's T...