Topic : Divorce Support

Please go one with your life.  Dr. Phil says the best predicter of future behavior is past behavior.  Take it from somebody who dealt with the exact same issue as you're dealing with.  The porn may go away but the problems remain.  Here I am 13 years later and just as unhappy as I was then.  Now I face a divorce with two precious little ones.  It breaks my heart that I didn't have the courage to say "hey this isn't what I want" and moved on then.  Hindsight....

You have to mourn the death of a marriage just as you mourn the death of a loved one.  You're still in mourning and in a panic you felt after 2 years you weren't feeling "better" you raced to your ex for "comfort".  Sex clouds everything.  You didn't run to him because you loved him or wanted him back, you ran to him out of convenience, familiarity and it was "better" than what you had been offered since your divorce.  You left him for a reason and I can guarantee that reason still stands.  I know this because I did the same thing.  Out of a marriage 1.5 years, experienced panic that I wasn't "over it" yet and ran to what I knew.  We remarried.  We now have two adorable children who are about to suffer through my second divorce with this man.  People don't change.  You left him for a reason and if you reconcile, you'll leave him again for that same reason.  Good luck.

 Yesterday I found out that my wife has been talking to lawyers.  I'm not sure how made up she is on getting a divorce, but it seems that she's going forward with it.  This has really hurt me.  I wrote her a letter last night and plan on giving her a short phone call today, but I fear rejection and that no matter what I do it won't be enough to change the situation.  Now I feel a tremendous pressure because she is going forward and I am not good at facing my fears.  My stomach is in knots and I didn't sleep a wink last night.

My husband and I married in 1993, divorced in 1999 and remarried in 2000.  The second "marriage" has not been satisfying from the start.  There are sooooo many issues..... 

  

I don't want to go through divorce again, but, I am not happy.  As Oprah says--I am not living my best live, and I KNOW it.  Is anyone else in a similar situation, where you feel ambivalent about continuing your marriage?  It makes me feel like I can't move forward but I can't bring myself to get out of this rut either. 

  

(Some of the afore mentioned ISSUES:  his addiction to alcohol, our two children, all the bills are in MY name, the house belongs to his parents, I am not employed,) ---so I feel like I CAN'T leave because I have no money and no where to go...but I can't tell him to leave because it's his family's name on the title of the house...aaagggrrhhhh.  I DO NOT want my children to think that this is okay! 

  

I imagine myself single, and feel happier, but can't see how to make it happen.  Then again, I would be losing so much if we divorced again... 

  

Any sane responses to my totally mental rambling? 

  

Dawn 

 I spoke to my wife today and told her that I want to speak to her face to face.  She said that she really only wants to talk about the practicalities of getting a divorce.  She said that she is not going to change her mind.  She did sound interested in talking to a therapist in private, so that's a positive note.  She just sounds so adamant and unwilling to work on the marriage and the relationship.

I'm trying not to read too much into the situation.  Its not far off from where its been for awhile, but hearing from her mouth that she isn't going to change her mind really hit hard.  I'm trying to stay positive, realize that we've taken a step forward even if its a painful step, a step that sounds like it makes the situation worse.  Am I lying to myself?  I don't want to quit on my relationship and marriage but it seems like its a foregone conclusion. 

I'm glad you decided to talk to her, even though it seems that she is fully supporting a divorce still. Hey, the therapist might be able to solve the whole problem between you two, I honestly don't know. But if it doesn't, and you two are forced to divorce, always remember one thing: just because you are divorced does not mean you can't see each other and remain good friends. My parents did that when they divorced seven years ago: we write to each other as much as we possibly can. Some people, when they divorce from someone, they leave the city or the state soon afterward as not to think about the person they left. But, in my opinion, I think it's better to try to stay in contact with your spouse as to exchange advice or to help if they're in a fix. I'd suggest not to give up your marriage until the therapist doesn't work and your wife officially says that she wants a divorce. Until those things happen, try to find a way to make it work. If they do happen, then work to make the divorce as clean and painless as possible. The worst thing to happen when you are divorcing is to leave with a broken heart and with mean things that you yelled fresh in your mind. It will haunt you forever, and you'll never be able to move on. Good luck to you.

 It sounds like she's made up her mind. You DO need to speak to her though, a divorce concerns you.
 I'm glad that she is willing to speak to a therapist in private, sometimes we need to discuss things that are hard to bring up in the presense of our spouse. Try to  get her to see the therapist for awhile before committing to the divorce, and keep giving her the space she needs to work out her emotional issues.
I know exactly what you are feeling, the sleepless nights, the knots in your stomach. I had terrible nightmares too. But you need to start preparing yourself in case she decides she can't go on with you.  You don't sound like you're lying to yourself, it sounds to me like you are leaving no stone unturned in your fight to keep your marriage. You are to be commended for this. I'm sorry that you may have learned your lesson too late, but remember, it takes two to dissolve a marriage. She shares responsibility in the demise of it, even if it was because she waited too long to let you know how unhappy she was.
I wish I had better advice for you, but I don't. When the other is unwilling to even talk to you, it's hard to resolve anything.

 You need to get some support. There used to be a list of numbers here on the site somewhere, I thought it was under "Support" but I just checked and they're not listed anymore.
Check your phone book and find some groups in your area. If you can afford it, get some counseling too. There are options, but you have to make the first move and look for them.
I suspect that you went back to your husband because you felt financially or otherwise dependent, being single was difficult. But is it  working for you? Obviously not. Figure out why it failed before, and work on that, it can be done. Like Dr Phil says, alcoholism is one of those problems that are deal-breakers.
If you can't afford counseling, read his books. SELF MATTERS helped me tremendously, I know myself so much better, and am able to make better decisions for myself and my family now. But do find some sort of support group, there is strength in numbers.

“In relationships there are just some things that are just drop-dead deal-breakers. They're just deal breakers. Drug addiction. Alcoholism. Mental, physical, verbal abuse. Those are deal-breakers. You don't stay in a relationship in that situation. And you don't return to a relationship in that situation unless and until an independent, objective, trained professional tells you it is safe to do so. That you can predict that this is going to be different than it was before.”  

 

I believe your deal breaker is #2 on the list! 

 

Your ambivalence is normal -- you didn't enter into the marriage with half a heart, did you?  You wanted it to work. 

 

But you can't FIX an alcoholic.  Only HE can do that work.  And if he won't help himself (assuming he won't), then you can't do it for him. 

 

You CAN leave, but before you do, HAVE A PLAN! 

 

You need a job, you need a roof, you need a way to feed and clothe your kids. 

 

What "so much" would you be losing?  Are those "things" you speak of?  Things can be replaced.  Happiness can not. 

 

How you make it happen is this: 

 

Educate yourself about alcoholism and the "enablers" who support (sometimes unwittingly) their spouse's addiction and what YOU can do about it. 

 

Get SUPPORT.  You are NOT alone and you NEED MORE support. 

 

Get counseling.  This was the single best thing I did to heal.   

 

Know your resources -- legally speaking.  Just because the bills are in your name, does not mean that your spouse isn't liable for 1/2.   

 

The more questions you ask, and the more answers you GO seek -- the solutions will present themselves. 

Q 

His issues with playboy etc.  are HIS issues. 

  

You need to erase the recordings in your own head that they have anything to do with YOU. 

  

What are YOUR instincts here?  Are you listening to your self? 

  

If you feel betrayed by his actions, why would you even consider reconciliation?  Especially if his actions have shown you that he doesn't respect your opinion regarding the mags? 

  

Reconnect with you and what YOU want out of YOUR life.   

  

Rekindle your OWN sense of self-respect.  It is within, not on the outside.  Q