Topic : Divorce Support

 I know that seeing a therapist is a must.  We went to one therapist but all she was saying was he is depressed so be nice and quit demanding attention.  I have been looking for a new therapist because I beleive if I and if he sees a therapist things would be better but how do you pick one.  I have been told see/interview different therapists and I have set 2 different appointments with therapists in our area but I am not sure what i am looking for.  Someone straight up I think, not a theraposts who says oh feelings are everything and be nice and it works.  That makes no sense to me. But thank you for taking the time to read what looks like a mess and reply it is appreciated and it made me stop crying for today atleast.

When you find the right therapist, you'll know.    They may not say everything you want to hear but they will ask the right questions and make you think about your answers and behaviors. 

You mention that "If I and if he" sees a therapist things would be better.  Are you looking to save this marriage or divorce?  If you have any chance of rekindling this marriage, you know the other guy must disappear completely.  Are you willing to cut off all ties?

I am a 35year old mother of 2 teenage girls (11 and 14).  I am on my second marriage and am currently separated from him.  We were married 2 and half years ago and moved out in November.  I really thought this was the man I would spend the rest of my life with.  He too has 2 teenage daughters that lived with us (16 and 18).  At first it was great.  We had our family dinners together, family time, and then of course as the girls started to change and get older so did their attitudes.  The typical selfish teenage thing.  His kids started disrespecting me and he would not back me up and I am sure there were times that I did the same.  I know I wasn't perfect when it came to the kids either but the stress of fighting with the kids had its toll on me not feeling respected and backing from him.  Two weeks after we were married I found emails between him and a woman he had told me that was just a friend.  Well, the emails told otherwise.  I confronted him about it and denied it all.  I was crazy and I was reading more into it.  Two weeks later he admitted to me that he had lied.  That''s when I started NOT trusting him.  To my mistake, I was always accusing him of things.  I realize NOW that I may of overdone it , but that was devastating to me.  Well for the past 9 months to a year, he started locking his laptop in his vehicle, changed passwords to emails, all the signs of someone cheating.  Well, of course I accused and of course he denied.  He turned it around on me saying that I had the jealousy issue and he couldn't live with it any longer.  Let me add that we'v been in counseling for about a year and it just turned into a tattletell session each week we went and left angry, especially towards the end.  We decided that me and my children would move out, by this time the kids were sick of our fighting that all four were happy.  I moved out with the intention of just separating and trying to work on us.  Which was pretty hard on me since I don't know how two people can work on things apart.  But I do admit now that it was better for the kids sake and it has cleared our minds some.  Since I moved out, I've caught him in several lies.  He went on a double date and lied for 4 days and I told him a friend saw them and then he confessed.  My issue is that I don't know when he is telling the truth.  Can I ever trust him?  I've been gone for almost 2 months now and he is doing as he pleases.  Going to bars, oh yeah, he even admitted to talking to women online.  But he still insists that he has not cheated.  Well, he came over 2 days ago cause I wanted to talk to him about going ahead with divorce and he told me that he loves me and wants us to work it out.  Of course I do too , but am so scared that things will not change.  I miss him like crazy but am not sur if I can go back to "him doing what he wants , but I go to work, come home, take care of house, and he can go to gym, play poker 2 nights a weeks with buddies, he's plannd a week long skiing trip with his buddy.  I just don't think he is fair.  Its like its all about him.  I have found some peace since I left but am scared and I do miss him.  Just don't know if I should give up so soon on my marriage. 

Andrew, I am kind of in the same boat as you.  I have been married almost 9 years, we have 4 children & I have been a stay at home mom for 8 years.  My husband just told me earlier this week that he doesn't love me anymore & isn't sure what he wants to do.  I love my husband & my family more than anything so I am doing whatever I can to make things work for us.  I made an appointment to get counseling for my control & trust issues.  My husband isn't a big talker but I got a sitter for the day, we went out & sat in the park & talked for hours about why we should stay together & what we need to do to improve things between us.  It is a big adjustment for both of us because I have to try to be less controlling & he needs to be patient with me & how I am dealing with all of this.  Circumstances do not allow us to seperate at this time so I am doing everything I can to improve things between us like giving him his space, not talking things to death & trying to act as normal as possible.  The main thing that is helping me is the love of my children & trying to think positive.  While this is horrible now it may be the best thing for our relationship.  I am now trying to be a better person to my husband & understand where he is coming from.  Don't lose hope!  I'll say some prayers for you & your wife.  Good luck!

My advice to you is to write down exactly what it is that you miss about this man/marriage. Having it in black and white makes it more real. Then, write down all that you DO NOT miss. Although you are living apart, you are still constantly wondering what he is doing and when he is being truthful, correct? What needs to happen, or what should he do to change that? Is he willing to do something to change that, or is he dismissive of your feelings?
It is sad that your marriage went down hill so quickly. To have a happy, healthy marriage, it takes TWO people. When a partner is locking their laptop outside of the home and keeping things from you, it is a recipe for disaster. You say that he lives his life making himself his number one priority. The best thing you can do right now is to give yourself a dose of that treatment. Don’t just go to work, come home and take care of the house- get out and do something that brings you a feeling of accomplishment and/or happiness. Even if you simply read a book or go for a walk, do something that is just for you. Focus more on yourself instead of so much on what he is doing or what he might do- that is only going to continue to drive you crazy. You don’t deserve to keep doing that to yourself, its time for a change. The only person that you have any control over is you; that is where you need to begin putting your focus and energy. I wish you the best!

Thank you for your words of encouragement!!  You are exactly right!  Three days ago, he came to my house and we talked and talked about working things out.  Of course I want to but am scared to death.  At first I didn't think living apart was good, but it has allowed me to think things through and clear my head some.  I told him that I did want to work things out.  I don't  hear back from him until today.  He wanted to come see me, so I said ok.  He comes over and we talk and then he invites me to go upstairs.  I told him NO.  As much as i wanted to, I told him that it was nice enough for me to sit on the couch and cuddle and talk.  That I was not going to be a booty call and then not hear from him for a few more days and so on.  He immediately got upset and said he felt I was rejecting him.  I told him that it wasn't about him but it was for me.  That I wanted to know we could work on us without hitting the sack everytime he comes over.  I will not be that even though I am his wife.  Was that wrong of me?  I had made plans with friends tomorrow night and he's upset that I did not invite him or cancel with them eventhough he's got plans the next night to go out with his friend. (to a bar).  Why should I cancel my plans and adjust for him when he won't do the same for me>  That's what I am talking about when I say he thinks of himself.  I personally would gladly cancel and be with him but I am sick of putting myself last.  but I do feel a bit selfish just going out with friends.  But I feel like I have to make a stand sort of.  He kept asking me if I was going to a bar and I told him I didn't know because my friends know the place I do not know.  I think it is just a restaurant though.  It's ok if he goes to bars but not me!!  I've read half of Robins's book and it made me think alot.  It has made me think more about how I want to be treated and how you allow things into your life. After reading some of her book, I realized how right she was and I hope that I make not only the right choices for myself but for my children.  At this point to be honest, I don't know where we stand.  I just know that I will not take less than I deserve anymore.  and I told him so too.  I will not be a booty call, even if he is still my husband.

 

It is NOT selfish of you to spend time with your friends, you need and deserve that time outside of the house! Do not allow anyone to make you feel guilty about this. You’ve told your husband how you feel and what you want, but he continues to disregard your thoughts/feelings. That doesn’t seem like something a man would do if he really was interested in creating a happy, healthy marriage. He could be working with you; instead, he is working against you. He is still using toxic techniques of guilt and pouting to try to force you to do things his way. I’m so glad that you were able to say no to his sexual advances, you shouldn’t feel badly about that, either. Just because you are married doesn’t mean you are just there for him to have sex with whenever he wants. That isn’t right, it is so disrespectful of him to even want to treat you that way. It sounds like you are beginning to understand that you deserve to be happy and to have a fulfilling life, and that is really great. You are stronger then you think you are. I know it hurts to think your marriage could really be over, but think about it this way; wouldn’t you rather have it be over then continue to go on in the marriage having everything be his way or no way?
Go out with your friends and have a good time! Even if it is a bar, go and have fun. If your husband thinks that you are ‘up to something’ then that is his issue. That is his insecurity. You know in your heart that you are simply getting out of the house to have some adult time and that is what matters. I wish you the very best!

Reading your story reminds me of my experience with my past abusive relationship.  I was not married to this guy, but gone on him for ten years and had two kids with him.  I remember taking our son to the emergency room when he was about 5 wks old because of a high fever.  It was the middle of the night and I asked his dad to come and care for the other children while I went.  He told me when I left to call him to update him.  I tried calling the house for two 1/2 hours from about 2 - 4:30am.  I finally called an operator to call and break in on his conversation for my phone call.  When I tried again, he answered and asked, all innocent, why didn't I call?  Like I did NOT know he had been on the phone to some woman all night! 

 

When a man behaves as though what you plainly see and perceive as fact is your "imagination" or that you are "crazy", this is commonly called "Gaslighting".  The term is based upon an old movie called "Gaslight" where a man married a young woman after murdering her aunt because he was after some jewells she owned.  He proceeds to create a setting where the young woman begins to think she's crazy.  He gives her a broach as a gift, steals it from her purse and then tells her she lost it.  He moves a picture from the wall and then convinces her that she has done it and forgotten.  It goes on until she's really depressed and loopy.  Thank goodness a police detective saves her in the nick of time. 

 

Check out a good website about this type of abuse in relationship called www.youarenotcrazy.com.  It's full of good information about psychological and verbal abuse.  The majority of abuse in households today, and it's FAR underreported or acknowledged, is non-physical.  And the wounds of verbal, emotional, financial and psychological abuse run much deeper.

 

If you have intuitive feelings that he is being unfaithful to you, there is likely some truth to that thought.  Don't let yourself be deceived into thinking he will change this behavior.  As long as he can get away with "having his cake and eat it too" he will.  And he will cycle into the "honeymoon" phase to win you back.  Men like this rarely change their ways.  Note what he says about it.  If he spends more time shifting the blame for his bad behavior to others, especially blaming you, it is unlikely that he will make a change for the better.

 

Another good book to read is called "Ditch That Jerk".  I found this very helpful in deciding whether or not to leave the relationship.

 

Thankfully, I have already done so.  I filed for divorce from my current husband's abuse in Sept.  Yes, I am still having some doubts, because we have young children.  But, I want our peace and stability more than I want him and the chaos he brings to our home.  I worried too that I gave up too soon on our marriage, of only four years.  But, looking back, taking inventory of the good and bad really helped me see that I did make the right decision.  Not just for my health, but the continued health of my children as well.

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

R--- 

I read both your posts here.  I was wondering some things after reading them:

 

1.  You mentioned that these people staying with you were using alcohol.  Is your husband drinking often as well?  Many times, alcoholics also suffer from depression, especially after coming off the initial high of the alcohol.  Not implying anything, just wondering if substance abuse might me an issue for your family.

 

2.  Is your husband also seeking therapy?  Is he willing to do so?  Suicidal ideations are symptoms of clinical depression and if he's not seeking help for it, there is really not much you can do to make him. 

 

I know how hard it is to love someone suffering in this way.  I wanted more than anything for my husband to make getting help for his alcoholism and depression a priority.  But, no matter how much I pressed, it just didn't happen.  When it came down to his making excuses about every time I scheduled or suggested to schedule for couples counseling, I realized that our marriage was NOT his priority.  It hurts to know that the one you love doesn't put you first in his thoughts and actions. 

 

Going to counseling can be helpful to you, if you decide to work your own program, so to speak.  You can't change him, or make him better.  You can only change YOU.  Take charge of what you want to change in yourself and make that your priority.  Let Go and Let God where your husband is concerned.  Seek your help and counsel from someone that you can build trust in and, yes, they will ask you often about your feelings!  I hate that too, but I realize it's because I'm not in touch with them much of the time.  Being in abusive relationship, or a co-depedant one, causes us to stuff feelings.  Regaining the sense of them and then taking the step to actually "feel" them is very hard.  I'm still figuring that out! 

 

Anyway, take the time out just for YOU to work on YOU and go to therapy for only YOU.  Not with the expectation of how they are going to "fix" him through it. 

 

Good luck and keep us posted here on your progress.

God Bless.

R---

I have found a therapist who after we talked for a short bit asked me if I wanted a "no BS system" or if I needed to use feelings more.  The no "BS" works for me and gets me thinking again in a good way.  I want to save this relationship but have run into a few things and think there is no way to save it.  My husband have decided with the help of his friend that we never had a relationship or at least that is what i was told last nite.  I will try today to ask him to see the therapist with me and see if we can resolve issues or at least both be in a place where this is not slamming at least me into a brick wall and sending me to a place I chose not to be emotionally.  And I know this person needs to leave the house but my husband says it is his best friend and he is staying so I know that I will be going if the therapist doesn't help us save this mess.  I just feel let down after all these years of trying to make it work and now being told that all I did doesn't matter enough to try and make it work.  It is so sad for me and hurts so very much.