Topic : Divorce Support

Number of Replies: 4347
New Messages This Week: 1
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:01:52 pm
Author : dataimport
Over half of all marriages end in divorce, but that doesn't make it any less painful for those going through it. Discuss your experience here.

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February 2, 2008, 2:43 pm PST

Un-motivated husband

Quote From: justasgtswife

 When do you know if it is time to call it quits?  I've been married for almost 4yrs now and it has been full of  ups and downs, we've been seperated before and had cheating issues, he left the 1st time when he thought he found something better and we split, and he felt the need to sleep with my so-called best friend when I was around and they could have been cought. He always promises to change and says he is sorry and wants to make things better ect ect,  and he will be great for about a week and then back to normal. we both work full time and have 2 children (we each had 1 b4 marriage), he dose not help around the house at all with anything inside or out,  he is still paying childsupport to his ex when he has custody and isint doing anything about it and that puts us in a hudge financial strain,I am even looking for a 2nd job to make up that diffrenece because we have another person to take care of now,  I have given up so much to be with him and I am always having to sacrafice someway because he is in the military . I am the one who makes sure everything gets done around the house, the kids are taken care of , bills are paid ect. he wanted to do consuling and re-new our vows and  it never happend. I feel that he knows what he needs to say and when things cool down he is in the clear again. He comes home form work and parks it on the couch.

I am so frustrated and tired of all this, I feel that I  would be better off  just me and my daughter. I feel that I have had to give up everything and be the one to forgive and forget about things and for what ? I get nothing in return except someone in my house that brings home a paycheck and sits on my couch.  He knows how pissed of all of the above issues make me and he dosn't do anything to change it. Is it really past repair or is there someway to fix this. I do belive in the vows I took and would do anything I could and I have considering what has already happend but there is a point where you just can't turn back

I need advice... thanks

It isn’t fair that one person do all of the giving in a marriage, while the other person does all of the receiving. A husband is much more then just a paycheck and a body laying on the couch. (He is supposed to be much more, I mean!)
You said that he wanted to do counseling at one point but it never happened; why not? My advice to you is to take matters into your own hands and make an appt. for counseling. If, for some reason, your husband can’t or won’t go, then go by yourself. You need to have a place to vent your thoughts, feelings and frustrations! You deserve that.
You are the strongest female role model that your daughter will ever have. You are teaching her what a ‘normal’ marriage looks like. She is going to grow up, go out into the world, seek out a mate like your husband and repeat this toxic cycle. As a parent, I know that you want better for your child. You want her to be happy and healthy; but for that to happen, she has to have a happy and healthy mother. That is the best gift that you could ever give her- a happy, healthy mother. You can create that for yourself, you deserve to create that! If you don’t put yourself first and be good to yourself, no one will, so start now. I wish you the best!
 
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February 9, 2008, 6:07 am PST

Rejected again...why bother

Ok, here's the situation....My husband and I are having rough times for the past 5 years. Well, according to him I need to greet him nicely when he comes home....I do anyway, just not the way he wants.I had a crappy day yesterday, and was excited for him to be home.He camwe in said hello to me, then sat on the couch. I went over sat really close to him, and leaned in to snuggle, kiss, hug on him. He told me to get off, and that I needed to let him take a 15 minute nap. I was dumbfounded but I complied. He could not understand why I was mad. I was really hurt. I told him that I was only trying to greet him happily as he requested. It ended up with me going upstairs to listen to the I-POD so that he could have his nap. How can I try to remedy this situation if he doesn't give me the chance? He also called me "crazy" for being mad at him.Whatever. then guess where he is this morning....Hunting. I cannot compete with hunting....He always goes hunting with his brothers. Every time they call. I feel like he spends more time with them than me. He knows this, all these issues have been brought up to him.He agreed to work on them. According to him he has, but if you ask me.....NO. I told him that I wanted him to take me out, or just spen dtime with me....hasn't yet. Had an opportunity today....chose hunting. I know that things probably are not going to change. I just hoped they would. I am feeling rather devastated today that I know our marriage is over. But when I get ready to leave he begs and pleads that he will change, and I hang on to that ONE glimmer of hope that It will, then  the weekend comes, and his brothers call to see if he wants to go hunting, and so he goes.Leaves me behind. I want to try to find some medical reason why he gives up....but there isn't one. I just want to know why I am not worth fighting for? Why wouldn't he stand up, and fight to have me? What do I do for him that is soo wrong?  I have decided that I am going to start leaving. One picture at a time. My heart cannot take anymore.

 
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February 11, 2008, 8:23 pm PST

Does he really care?

Lets here from you.  Several years ago my husband went on trips for work.  I trusted him and never questioned wether a female went.  The thought never crossed my mind.  The last trip he was to take he had a nervous breakdown and couldn't go.  I sympathized with him because I too went thru it several years before (although I never got support from him).  Then about 4 years after, I was moving suitcases in the basement and I opened the one that he aways took.  I found a wedding band.. Exactly like his, nothing different.  I was so stuned that I thought about it for days before I confronted him.  When I asked him why his wedding band was in the suitcase he looked down at his hand and said its not mine.  I asked him why it was in his suitcase and he said I don't know any thing about it.  Well I put it in my jewelery box and when we went to the third councelor I confronted him again in front of the councelor.  Again he said I don't know anything about it.  What am to think? What do you think?
 
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February 11, 2008, 8:29 pm PST

oops

Quote From: sandy0914

imcecil,

 

That message was from 2005.  The most recent ones should come up first so I'm not sure how you're getting to 3 year old postings.

I'm not sure how I did that either.  I'm still learning.  Thanks for the heads up!
 
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February 11, 2008, 9:19 pm PST

The Order of Posts...

Quote From: imcecil5

I'm not sure how I did that either.  I'm still learning.  Thanks for the heads up!
First things First, you need to make sure that you are logged in before you begin to read the boards.  Next,  If you go to your MY PROFILE page you can change the order in which messages are displayed.  If you choose OLDEST it will start with the oldest messages posted since the last time you logged in and you will read your way down to the newest messages last.   If you choose NEWEST, it will begin your pages with the newest message posted to that board and read backwards toward the beginning of that board. 
 
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February 12, 2008, 9:11 pm PST

In the same boat!

Quote From: candacegil

Wow--you just gave me chills!  My life is almost parallel to yours right now.  Just had our 11th anniversary this weekend.  My husband has just moved out and although he says he's trying to work on our marriage--I just got our cell phone bill and he's talking to this woman from work--almost every night.  I wonder as you do--does he want me to find out and get angry, each time I mention that obviously our marriage is over he gets angry with me and says that he's not ready to say that.  He's kept me from having friends too, so my life has been all about him for the past 15 years--now I don't know what to do without him.  I believe he has depression problems, but he would never admit to that.  I'm not sure which way to go--should I keep spending time with him on his terms and hope that he figures out that he wants our marriage or should I get angry and tell him to leave me alone until he figures this out.  I haven't told him that I know about the cell calls, I feel that if I do I then take away the one thing that gives me insite as to what he's doing.  What confuses me most is he will talk to her either right before or right after he talks to me.  He had told me once they were just friends from work, but with everything going on and him moving out, this "friendship" sure isn't helping us.  I would love to communicate more---how do we get in touch??

It was somewhere around my 11th year of marriage that I found out my husband was on the interenet.  It has been about 3.5 years, counseling services, and a lot of crying ago now. I have caught him 4 or 5 times on many dating sites and secret emails. What I have read and seen would blow your mind. This from a man that I was deeply in love with and thought I could trust! We are now getting our house ready to try to sell in this awful market so that we can divorce and move on. I am sad, but after much pleading with him I know now that he will never stop. I think, no, I know that I am over it all now. . I really want to send out a message to all women that what you see on these dating sites isn't always what you get. Over the years he has told these women that he was divorced. He has lied to them. I was sitting right here with him the entire time thinking we had this wonderful marriage and all along he was living another life.

 

So, women, beware! And men (im sure women do it too) just be careful out there.

As for me, if and when I am ready to date again after all this is over, I will never date a man that knows how to use a computer, let alone own one!

 

 
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February 15, 2008, 10:43 pm PST

divorce and kids - mixed emotions

Hi-  I am new to this.  I am seperated from my husband of 14 years.  We have 3 young children.  I think I want a divorce, but I feel so sad for my kids.  I want them to have their Mom and Dad and a traditional family.  We have many years of issues and verbal abuse.  We never had cheating or money issues.  Just in-law issues.  He is a workaholic and the stress got to me and I was always miserable to be around because I was being stretched too thin.

Part of mw so wants to split and move on-actually looking forward to the new adventure....but the other part thinks of the  kids and carries a treamendous amount of guilt to not try harder for the sake of the kids.....but I really don't think he loves me anymore and I sure know that he doesn't respect me!

What should I do?

 
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February 16, 2008, 4:22 am PST

Therapy

Quote From: leewensl

Hi-  I am new to this.  I am seperated from my husband of 14 years.  We have 3 young children.  I think I want a divorce, but I feel so sad for my kids.  I want them to have their Mom and Dad and a traditional family.  We have many years of issues and verbal abuse.  We never had cheating or money issues.  Just in-law issues.  He is a workaholic and the stress got to me and I was always miserable to be around because I was being stretched too thin.

Part of mw so wants to split and move on-actually looking forward to the new adventure....but the other part thinks of the  kids and carries a treamendous amount of guilt to not try harder for the sake of the kids.....but I really don't think he loves me anymore and I sure know that he doesn't respect me!

What should I do?

You don't mention if you two have ever been to therapy or not but if you haven't  I sugget that you go for a few reasons.  You both owe it to your kids to try everything and anything to fix this marriage.  I think it is important before you file for divorce that you and the kids know that at least you tried and you can tell them with a good conscience and no self doubt down the line that you left no stones unturned before making that final decision.  Another reason is because "you think" you want a divorce.  You need to be 100% certain that this is what you want.  And lastly you are still uncertain on whether or not he still loves you  which means that your communication lines are non existant and I'm wondering if you knew in your heart that he did love you, would you be willing to give this another chance after counseling. 

You're ridden with guilt and uncertainty and I think you need to work on these emotions before calling it quits for good.  It's important that you walk out that door with no anger, guilt, unanswered questions, confusion  so hat you do not second guess yourself years down the road.

 

You don't say what he wants in all of this?  Is he willing to work on this marriage? 

 
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February 16, 2008, 5:28 am PST

Questions

Quote From: imcecil5

Lets here from you.  Several years ago my husband went on trips for work.  I trusted him and never questioned wether a female went.  The thought never crossed my mind.  The last trip he was to take he had a nervous breakdown and couldn't go.  I sympathized with him because I too went thru it several years before (although I never got support from him).  Then about 4 years after, I was moving suitcases in the basement and I opened the one that he aways took.  I found a wedding band.. Exactly like his, nothing different.  I was so stuned that I thought about it for days before I confronted him.  When I asked him why his wedding band was in the suitcase he looked down at his hand and said its not mine.  I asked him why it was in his suitcase and he said I don't know any thing about it.  Well I put it in my jewelery box and when we went to the third councelor I confronted him again in front of the councelor.  Again he said I don't know anything about it.  What am to think? What do you think?

Well the ring didn't appear there magically.  This is a reach but is it possible that he had been leading a double life with another woman which resulted in a nervous breakdown due to the guilt and stress?  Was a female accompanying him on his business trips?

You state that you two had been in therapy - what lead you to a counselor's office in the first place?

 
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February 16, 2008, 9:06 am PST

Ending your marriage

Quote From: sandy0914

You don't mention if you two have ever been to therapy or not but if you haven't  I sugget that you go for a few reasons.  You both owe it to your kids to try everything and anything to fix this marriage.  I think it is important before you file for divorce that you and the kids know that at least you tried and you can tell them with a good conscience and no self doubt down the line that you left no stones unturned before making that final decision.  Another reason is because "you think" you want a divorce.  You need to be 100% certain that this is what you want.  And lastly you are still uncertain on whether or not he still loves you  which means that your communication lines are non existant and I'm wondering if you knew in your heart that he did love you, would you be willing to give this another chance after counseling. 

You're ridden with guilt and uncertainty and I think you need to work on these emotions before calling it quits for good.  It's important that you walk out that door with no anger, guilt, unanswered questions, confusion  so hat you do not second guess yourself years down the road.

 

You don't say what he wants in all of this?  Is he willing to work on this marriage? 

It may seem as though you are entirely miserable now.  After you leave however, it gets worse.  I divorced my husband of 15 years and have two great kids!  He cheated on me and I lived with it for 6 of those years.  He cheated again and that was it for me.  It never worked for us, but I know that after we seperated, the loneliness and thoughts of where do I go from here didn't subside, even now.  Once that security is broken, it seems to not come back, at least for me.  I am much happier in my life, but my kids have suffered tremendously as he is now remarried and I am also in another relationship.  The kids seem to do fine for periods and then rebel!    Another problem is that since you do have kids, you will never be free from him.  He'll be in your life weather you like it or not.

 

Perhaps it may be best to find some spark in your relationship.  Try surprising him with things you've never done before like kissing the mirror with lipstick to say I'm sorry or I love you.  Dress up together at Halloween and go to a party.  You need to rekindle it somehow.  You may feel that he no longer loves you, but I don't think that it is a reality really.  In fact I believe that you are still in love with him, you just can't see it.  You've just grown apart because you've been together so long.  Unless he is cheating on you or being abusive, I would suggest trying to fix it.  And yes, counseling or a support group at your local church is not a bad idea.  Good luck to you.  I hope you can save your marriage.

 

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