Message Boards
Topic : Divorce Support
As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.
|
March 9, 2008, 1:32 pm PDT
 Ok..last yr at this time my husband and I seperated. Three months after having my 2nd daughter my kids and I left. Our divorce was underway and everything in life was good...we made a mutal agreement that we could move on with our lives...so I did!! He didn't want me, he left me, he kicked me out without a care in the world as to where my kids and I would go. I ended up meeting someone...he was truly amazing, my dream come true...but he walked away so my husband and I could try to be a family yet again! So after weeks of talking and everything we decided to try again..for us and the kids. First few weeks were great...we did things as a family...he showed how into everything he was then it all changed. He went back to the way he use to be. It's been 2 months now...and in these last 2 months hes been home a total of 2 weekends! I want him here more, I want us to be a family and go out and do things together. With and without the kids. I know he has a hard job..but I work FT as well...and when I'm not working I'm taking care of the kids, the house, the dishes, laundry etc...alls I want is just a little bit of help from him. He wanted us back together...I'm here with my kids every weekend without him. He says he has to work every single weekend bc he doesn't have a choice. He didn't start working every single weekend until we got back together. I tell him how I feel as he just sits there and say he understands. Thats great, but I want him to do something about it. The other guy I had been dating has told me that what he has to offer me and my kids will always be there..he might move on with his life, but his love for me and the life he wanted with will always be. My husband comes home from work, and sit online looking up things and talking to other women near or far...why can't he come home and talk to me? He can come home and sit online and start talking, yet won't even tell me hi when he walks through the door.
What else can I do...to make him see that me and the kids should come first?? |
|
|
March 9, 2008, 8:48 pm PDT
Hello, Whats up? I'm new to this message board. I guess I didn't realize that you could actually have a conversation with someone. How is your marriage? Mine is not so good but I'm working on it. You can see some of my messages on here from before. Well write back if you want. I'll keep writting as long as you do. |
|
|
March 9, 2008, 9:03 pm PDT
Quote From: jcwbdw Knowing when to give up on a marriage is different for everyone, I guess, but at this point in time I believe that the best time to give up on marriage is BEFORE you get married! The fact is that love is so not worth the price that comes with it, and living alone prevents a lot of heartache. I cannot express how deeply I regret allowing myself to fall into that trap! One would think I would know better by now, since I am nearing 52 years old and this is not my first marriage. But NOOOOOOO, evidently I am a slow learner. I hear that saying "once bitten, twice shy" and it makes me cringe to know that I was too stupid to play smart. But I guess old dogs can learn new tricks, because I am making some changes. From personal experience I can tell you that physical abuse is not the worst kind you can experience. Been there, done that, and I find that it is far easier to recover/heal from the physical than compared to the mental/emotional abuse. Broken bones heal and bruises fade, but the 'inner' wounds from verbal and emotional abuse just linger forever! I believe that being alone will be far less lonely and painful than being married to someone who keeps you around just to prove they can. Being used as an emotional rug to wipe the feet on is not how I want to spend whatever years of life I have left! I wrote this poem to express how I feel, but haven't given it to my husband yet. I doubt it would even touch him at all should he bother to read it. He thinks I am so lucky to have him, because no one else would want me. He may be right about the second part, but if he is - well, that is a blessing, cause I sure don't want to take a chance on a relationship ever again. Anyway, here's the poem. Let me know what you think. Guess I'll just sign myself as fed up NO MORE The tears have dried, and run no more in rivers down my face - I've cried them all and then I found such anger in their place! I struggled with the anger, tried to keep it in control, but it was like a jagged wound at the center of my soul! A wound that slowly festered, with no tears to wash it clean, until the anger brought me to a place both dark and mean! I did not like who I'd become - this 'other' side that came - 'Twas like looking at a stranger who was carrying my name! How could I be this person? When did she take my place? How did she get my name? How did she get my face? I tried to meditate and pray, I tried to understand - but always she kept coming back, to get the upper hand! Desperately I wondered how to make her disappear and find myself again, without giving in to fear. Then one day it happened, in an unexpected way, she left and, in her place, a different me had come to stay! One more broken promise (one more than I could take) sent that stranger running and left indifference in her wake. No anger, tears, or longing for what I know now is dead, love no longer lingers to raise a hopeful head. It's really sad that love should come to such a place as this, where all that I had dreamed we'd have I will not even miss. I cannot find it in my heart to reach out any more and offer all I am to you, when love's (to you) a chore. So I will make a spearate life, in which you'll have no part, and never let another man come close to touch my heart! I vow, no matter where I go, or what may be in store, that as I make the journey I will shed love's tears no more. jcwbdw don't give up yet on men. work on yourself. Get some of Dr. Phil's books about self help.(I can't remember the right name) When you become confidence in yourself then others can see it and then you will attract the better men that will value you and love you the way you want. I might be in that situation very soon. I am giving my husband one last change to repair our broken marriage. He is at this very moment reading the relationship rescue by Dr. Phil. I read it and it brought my out of a very dark hole. I now feel better about my self and I know now what I have to do if my marriage doesn't work. I felt before that I couldn't make it on my own, not financially but emotionally. I still need help and I'm going to read his next book just as soon as we (my husband and I) do the worksheet and excersises in the book we are currently reading. My husband has a history of starting something and not finishing it. He said that he would read the book for me. I want him to read it for him. We'll see if it sinks in for him. I think it is very sad to not love someone and be able to share life with someone. Just think of all the things that you could do with a partner. Just think it over and keep smiling.
|
|
|
March 9, 2008, 9:22 pm PDT
Quote From: appletonbrenda I've been married for 20 yrs. All was not a bowl of cherries. He is a user of marijuana and hasnt even workd a full time job in 2 yrs because he doesnt know what he wants while in the mean time we are losing everything because I cant do it all. our kids are grown and have families of their own and I cant even stand to be around him. I used to love him so much but after 2 years I dont feel the same and it hurts I feel like this but I think it would be better for me to move on and get myself in the place it needs to be. Any comments? he is 50 and i am 42 and I feel like the grown up all the time and I woud like to be in a place of feeling safe and secure. i wont feel like that when the bank takes our house. I actually have a lot of hatred building up. Help. I've been married for 24 years. In that time we have grown apart or maybe we were never together I don't know at this time. My last child is leaving home and I'm having a hard time. When we got married my parents were fighting and I wanted out of the house. I was 22. At the time I was dating my husband and I told him I wanted to get an apartment so I could get out of the house. He talked me into staying and he got an apartment close to me so I spent all my time with him and only went home to sleep. After a year we got married and 10 months later my first child was born. So you see I never really got to know him before I was distracted with children. By the way, we had 3 in all. My husband ignores me. We have no physical contact only when he grabs my butt. I have asked and showed him how to caress me gently and lovingly but he still will not do it. The last two years I haven't even slept in the same bed. I moved out because he kept sleeping on me and I couldn't breath. I'd roll him over and back he came. I wasn't getting any sleep so I moved to the couch. He has never asked me why. I feel he doesn't care because now he has the bed to himself and he can sleep better also. So much for intimacy in this marriage. I decided one day to get Dr. Phil's book relationship rescue and boy has it made a change for me. I have given my husband one more chance to prove to me that he wants a relationship with me. If he doesn't do the excersise with me and get real about this marriage I'm out of here. Long story short. Maybe you should try this book also. If it doesn't help your marriage it will sure help you. It did me. I know feel better about my self. Most days!!!!! Its a work in progress. |
|
|
March 10, 2008, 7:47 am PDT
Quote From: imcecil5 Hello, Whats up? I'm new to this message board. I guess I didn't realize that you could actually have a conversation with someone. How is your marriage? Mine is not so good but I'm working on it. You can see some of my messages on here from before. Well write back if you want. I'll keep writting as long as you do. Thank you for answering! I am in a very bad place right now. I am trying to start a business, fighting to save a marriage that may not be worth saving, and taking care of my mom (who lives with me and has Alzheimer's) while coping with chronic pain. I have no family close, and all my 'friends' are actually my husband's friends that I inherited when I moved here to Galveston. Well, not quite all - I have a couple that I made friends with from church, but they all have bought into my husbands "poor me, I've tried everything to make her happy" line of crap. I am so tired of being told that the only problem in our marriage is me, and if I'd just do what he wants we would be fine! The truth is, I'm just plain tired. Alzheimer's is a nasty disease, and being responsible full time for someone who has it gets exhausting. I have no right to complain, because I knew it would not be easy when I made the decision to bring mom to live with me. But I did not know that I would have to cope with all the mean stuff my husband is doing at the same time. There are some things going on with him that just don't make sense, and this last 6 months he is like Jeckle and Hyde - and I never know who he's going to be when I get up in the morning. I am just too old for this. I will be 52 in April. Our anniversary is this month, (this coming Saturday) and it looks like my "gift" will be a seperation. I don't know how I am going to make ends meet financially, I've tried to get help but you know how the government works. They figure I should just stick mom in a nursing home and go get a job. But I will NEVER put her in a home, as long as there is breath in my body! People have said that maybe my husband resents mom being in our home and the time I spend caring for her, but he says he doesn't. It was his suggestion that I go to Iowa and get her and bring her to live with us, and I still take care of my responsibilities for him - cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. so it isn't that. I don't know what to think, he lies to me so often that he can't keep his stories straight. Right now he's really angry because I'm not reacting the way I usually do.Our usual routine is: 1)He pulls some crap or breaks a promise to me, 2) I get my feeling hurt and cry until I'm sick, 3)he ignores me until the next day and then behaves like we're great and nothing happened, 4) I let him get away with it. But this time I didn't cry, and I haven't backed down. So he's angry and being really hateful. I can't get anyone to come visit me, and no one will call and visit on the phone "I'm sorry, Jodi, I'm really busy. Barry told us you were having some emotional problems. Hope you get better soon" - that's what my 'friend' told me. I'm so lonely, and would just love to have an adult conversation with someone who actually remembers what you say 10 minutes after you say it. Hubby says I have no friend because I'm such a bitch no one wants to be around me, but they let me know he's told them I just need to work out my problems and quit being so unfair to him. So there you have it - I would deserve friends if I would just be a better wife. Well, maybe Jack Daniels will be a better friend to me. At least he wouldn't call me names and tell me I'm selfish. I normally drink on new years and the 4th of July. Perhaps it's time to change that. Something has to change because I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted - and I don't want to play this game anymore. Sometimes he blames his behavior on his illness and the medicine he takes, he uses that excuse a lot with his friends as well as with me. And other times he says he isn't behaving any differently than he ever has. His friends all say that if I really love him I have to keep 'cutting him some slack' because he can't help it, after all he IS sick and meds CAN mess with a person. I know that, but give me a break! You can't sell that theory if the behavior change is only with your wife and to everyone else you are still the same great guy you were before. Guess I better shut up now. Thanks again for talking to me - you don't know how very much it means to me! |
|
|
March 11, 2008, 2:33 am PDT
Quote From: dutchess05 My husband of 3 yrs has asked me for a divorce!! Reason he says that I have brought our past into our marriage. Which I have not been bringing up the past cause I was really hurt by that I don't want to even think about it. But we have been arguing alot about different things since December. He is very stubborn & has alot of pride. He gives up easily!! He is treating this like when we were boyfriend & girlfriend. Which then he would break up with me alot. He is always right & when I try to talk to him about us not getting a divorce he wants to argue & not talk. Recently he told me that I have been texting people alot & I need to call the phone company to ask them how much I text. So I did & guess what I was told that we have a spare cell phone that is being used. So I asked about the numbers & his EXGIRLFRIENDS numbers were on there. (i think he wanted me to find out) I confronted him about it & he said It was my fault that he was calling them. He said he was drunk & it ws a very short conversation. Well since he as changed the password & removed me from the bill. BUT yet tells me that he is not talking to them which I know is a LIE. If he is telling the truth what does he have to hide & change the password & remove me. TIRED of arguing & being lied to. I try to make this marriage work & IM FAILING. HOW DO I MAKE HIM UNDERSTAND WE AE MARRIED NOW & NOT BOYFRIEND &GIRLFRIEND?? WE CAN'T GIVE UP SO EASILY!!
ADVICE PLEASE...... Sorry for what you are going through but you r not the only one. My husband also wants out. I found numbers on his phone and one of them he had a conversation for 3 hours. I confronted him about it and he denied it at first and then finally admitted it he lied and after he said that he would stop calling her I found out that he did not and confronted him about that. I got so mad that I told him to tell me if it was over already and he said yes and then went on to tell me that he had another friend that he was also texting and talking to. I told him that we were still married andd he went on to tell me that he wnted a divorce and ever since then we have not talked this was last month so it has been about 3 weeks. I hate it because I have so much to say to him I am also 8 months pregnant which makes it worse. I caught him on the phone in our driveway and he drove off only to come back an hour later and stay at his moms for the next few nights. I hate living like this we have a 3 y/o daughter. I told him that I didn't want to give up on my marriage and he said he already has. I feel so depressed and sad especially b/c he is still there and I have tried calling this person but she completely avoids me and never picks up. The one time she did text me she said that she was not that type of woman and that she was in a good relationship[ with a bf of 4 years which turnedout to be a lie that I later found out. i hope there are no kids involved in your relationship because it is really hard for me to walk make any decision because I will have 2 in amonth and it sucks to know that I will be by myself. I made up my mind already I'm leaving him after I get back to work from my maternity leave because I don't think he is going anywhere he just wants to be comfortable that is why he is still there. He is not there to try to work things out or make things better he is selfish and self absorbed all he is thinking about is himself and no matter how many times I tell him that I want to try again and work on it at least for our kids he wont, so now I gave up on it too, Im opened to the idea but I don't see it happening, he is not thinking about us hes thinking about himself and what feels good to him and doesn't care how it makes everyone else feel. Hope that helps I would never advice anyone to leave their marriage without trying everything possible but i already did and it didn't work but if you think your marriage is still has hope you should wait and see maybe he just needs time but if not just realize that you have to move on with or without him you cannot stay stuck in that stage. |
|
|
March 11, 2008, 2:34 am PDT
Quote From: crisisac Sorry for what you are going through but you r not the only one. My husband also wants out. I found numbers on his phone and one of them he had a conversation for 3 hours. I confronted him about it and he denied it at first and then finally admitted it he lied and after he said that he would stop calling her I found out that he did not and confronted him about that. I got so mad that I told him to tell me if it was over already and he said yes and then went on to tell me that he had another friend that he was also texting and talking to. I told him that we were still married andd he went on to tell me that he wnted a divorce and ever since then we have not talked this was last month so it has been about 3 weeks. I hate it because I have so much to say to him I am also 8 months pregnant which makes it worse. I caught him on the phone in our driveway and he drove off only to come back an hour later and stay at his moms for the next few nights. I hate living like this we have a 3 y/o daughter. I told him that I didn't want to give up on my marriage and he said he already has. I feel so depressed and sad especially b/c he is still there and I have tried calling this person but she completely avoids me and never picks up. The one time she did text me she said that she was not that type of woman and that she was in a good relationship[ with a bf of 4 years which turnedout to be a lie that I later found out. i hope there are no kids involved in your relationship because it is really hard for me to walk make any decision because I will have 2 in amonth and it sucks to know that I will be by myself. I made up my mind already I'm leaving him after I get back to work from my maternity leave because I don't think he is going anywhere he just wants to be comfortable that is why he is still there. He is not there to try to work things out or make things better he is selfish and self absorbed all he is thinking about is himself and no matter how many times I tell him that I want to try again and work on it at least for our kids he wont, so now I gave up on it too, Im opened to the idea but I don't see it happening, he is not thinking about us hes thinking about himself and what feels good to him and doesn't care how it makes everyone else feel. Hope that helps I would never advice anyone to leave their marriage without trying everything possible but i already did and it didn't work but if you think your marriage is still has hope you should wait and see maybe he just needs time but if not just realize that you have to move on with or without him you cannot stay stuck in that stage. we have also been married 3 years he is 27 and I am 25 and have been together 8 years |
|
|
March 11, 2008, 11:49 am PDT
Quote From: crisisac we have also been married 3 years he is 27 and I am 25 and have been together 8 years Thank you very much for responding!! Since then he hasn't called her but when he is drunk he starts calling on these other numbers and I ask him about it & he says nothing. I don't want out but he is getting our house ready to sell & he is moving pretty fast about it. I talk to him also about us not divorcing & he said that I'm beggin him not to leave & it bothers him. I LOVE HIM we have been together for 13 yrs, but no children. This is a pattern with him about breaking up & getting back together and I thought us getting married it would stop (he said it would). I'm sorry to hear about you & your husband. I think it is just something that they go thru when they are younger. BUT my husband is already 39 I thought being that age he would be more mature & handle things alot better. You are blessed to have children, us not having children is one of our BIG ARGUMENTS. I was pregnant in 2005 but I had a miscarriage, and haven't come out pregnant since. We have done check ups to make sure I can, and I can. We have been trying very hard. But it is not happening. He asked me that when we divorce about how long do I think it will take him to get someone pregnant & how long will it take for me to get pregnant from someone else. (that was a slap in the face for me) He then said it would take about a month or a month and a half. I just cried & said nothing. We still live together cause he said that he wouldn't leave me in the house by myself cause I'm scared there by myself. We still sleep in the same bed & we still call one another like normal & tell each other we love each other. I HAVE BEEN REALLY CONFUSED ABOUT ALL THIS. But I have been living this all day by day & praying for the best to happen. We have recently decided that we can't have sex anymore cause if I come out pregnant then he would have to stay with me. (he said that) I think that you should give him his space & act like you don't care about what is happening & just act like your really happy, then see how he will respond. I have been doing that & him seeing me happy & it makes him happy & changes his attitude (anger). I think it will take a little while to see a change. Recently I had my home blessed & the person that blessed my home said that there was bad spirits in our home that want us. Since then I have felt so relieved & I can sleep better & not have some much anger toward my husband. They said that should change both of us. So maybe you want to consider that. He doesn't have to be there. Mine wasn't. Hope to hear from you................ |
|
|
March 11, 2008, 4:19 pm PDT
Hi... I've been married for 10 years and for most of it been unhappy. I never should've gotten married at all but I thought me and my husband got along well and could make it work. A lot of things happened between us early on, things I can't forgive or get past. Hubby has made me feel dirty and used... like all I was good for was getting him off. I no longer sleep with him in the same room or bed and I can't stomach the thought of ever having sex with him or any kind of affection at all. I have been a stay at home mom all this time and I'm completely dependent on him for money right now. I have two sons at home, no job, no family to go to close by. In the past I've tried to talk with my husband about how he made me feel. I've tried to make things better between us but he's always too busy with work or sleep to spend any time working on our relationship. I'm done trying. I don't love him. I don't care to work on our marriage any more. I just want out. What should I do? A couple of years ago I told my husband I thought we should get a divorce because I don't love him and I don't think he loves me. His response was that I just felt bad about myself. He thought if I could wait until I could work that I'd feel better about myself and then I wouldn't feel bad about our marriage. I told him he was wrong about that and the kids were the only reason I was still with him. I told him that once the kids were older and out of the house, I'd have no reason to stay any longer. My husband then said that he thought once the kids were older and out of the house, we'd have more time to spend together! He didn't take my feelings seriously obviously. And although he claimed he wanted us to work on things, nothing has changed. He works more hours than ever and when he's around, all he does is sleep. Not that it matters... I hate spending time around him. I'm ready to move on but I feel stuck. I have two kids and no job. How can I leave? I have nowhere to go. I feel like asking him to move out but I don't know if he'll leave. I'm so unhappy and frustrated that it's making me a terrible person to be around. I feel trapped here and I can't stand it. My kids deserve a mom that is happy and I'm not, not at all. Help please. If anyone has been in a similar situation and found a way out, I'd love to hear your advice. Or anyone's advice really. I don't know what to do. I know if I didn't have kids, I'd have left years ago.
Kim |
|
|
March 11, 2008, 9:40 pm PDT
Quote From: momathome Hi... I've been married for 10 years and for most of it been unhappy. I never should've gotten married at all but I thought me and my husband got along well and could make it work. A lot of things happened between us early on, things I can't forgive or get past. Hubby has made me feel dirty and used... like all I was good for was getting him off. I no longer sleep with him in the same room or bed and I can't stomach the thought of ever having sex with him or any kind of affection at all. I have been a stay at home mom all this time and I'm completely dependent on him for money right now. I have two sons at home, no job, no family to go to close by. In the past I've tried to talk with my husband about how he made me feel. I've tried to make things better between us but he's always too busy with work or sleep to spend any time working on our relationship. I'm done trying. I don't love him. I don't care to work on our marriage any more. I just want out. What should I do? A couple of years ago I told my husband I thought we should get a divorce because I don't love him and I don't think he loves me. His response was that I just felt bad about myself. He thought if I could wait until I could work that I'd feel better about myself and then I wouldn't feel bad about our marriage. I told him he was wrong about that and the kids were the only reason I was still with him. I told him that once the kids were older and out of the house, I'd have no reason to stay any longer. My husband then said that he thought once the kids were older and out of the house, we'd have more time to spend together! He didn't take my feelings seriously obviously. And although he claimed he wanted us to work on things, nothing has changed. He works more hours than ever and when he's around, all he does is sleep. Not that it matters... I hate spending time around him. I'm ready to move on but I feel stuck. I have two kids and no job. How can I leave? I have nowhere to go. I feel like asking him to move out but I don't know if he'll leave. I'm so unhappy and frustrated that it's making me a terrible person to be around. I feel trapped here and I can't stand it. My kids deserve a mom that is happy and I'm not, not at all. Help please. If anyone has been in a similar situation and found a way out, I'd love to hear your advice. Or anyone's advice really. I don't know what to do. I know if I didn't have kids, I'd have left years ago.
Kim Kim, I really sorry to hear about the difficult situation you are in! My heart goes out to you, and I will offer this advice -- Leave that sorry sucker right now! Staying for the kids is not doing them any favors, and in fact will lead to many emotional problems for them as adults. As well as the fact that they will grow to believe that this is how a marriage/relationship is supposed to be! If you can't get enough money together to move into a place of your own (even a small place to begin with), then tell him to leave. You can get help from the state to take care of yourself and the kids while you get training for a decent job. The state has programs that help train you for employment/career's. The bottom line is that many times the emotional abuse is (in my opinion) harder to get over than physical abuse. And, as Dr. Phil says, you can't change anyone but yourself. So leave him to stew in his own pot, and protect yourself and your children from any more emotional damage! You are WORTH putting yourself first, and you deserve better! Don't wait until you teach your children to believe the wrong values about relationships and then find it too late to correct their thinking! I will be praying for you. Jodi |
|
