Topic : Divorce Support
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October 18, 2005, 5:49 am PDT
 Quote From: candacegil Wow--you just gave me chills! My life is almost parallel to yours right now. Just had our 11th anniversary this weekend. My husband has just moved out and although he says he's trying to work on our marriage--I just got our cell phone bill and he's talking to this woman from work--almost every night. I wonder as you do--does he want me to find out and get angry, each time I mention that obviously our marriage is over he gets angry with me and says that he's not ready to say that. He's kept me from having friends too, so my life has been all about him for the past 15 years--now I don't know what to do without him. I believe he has depression problems, but he would never admit to that. I'm not sure which way to go--should I keep spending time with him on his terms and hope that he figures out that he wants our marriage or should I get angry and tell him to leave me alone until he figures this out. I haven't told him that I know about the cell calls, I feel that if I do I then take away the one thing that gives me insite as to what he's doing. What confuses me most is he will talk to her either right before or right after he talks to me. He had told me once they were just friends from work, but with everything going on and him moving out, this "friendship" sure isn't helping us. I would love to communicate more---how do we get in touch?? I was married for 10 years. My ex actually took my 8 yr old daughter to a baseball game with his "girlfriend". That is how I found out he was cheating on me. He would talk to her on his cell phone in front of me and use my neighbors name when he talked to her. I thought he was talking to the neighbor!!! He told me he wanted out of our relationship the day he took my daughter to the game. However, he wouldn't move out. I tried to get him to go to counseling for 2 months. He went once. I went every week at least once. Finally, I told him to move out. It was one of the hardest and best things I've ever done. I didn't realize how miserable I was with him. He was verbally and emotionally abusive. He never liked any of my friends. He also didn't like crowds, so we never went anywhere. I had a allowance of $100.00 per month. That was supposed to cover my hair, clothing, makeup and anything fun I wanted to do. However, he could go to the grocery store and blow our food budget and spend $150 on steak and beer. I was a stay at home Mom. I have a college degree and a CPA. However, when it came time for me to get my license, he said it would cost too much. I had worked years to get that license. Luckily, I didn't listen to him. Now, I have my own CPA firm where my office is in my house. He tells my daughter that I don't have a real job. My suggestion, call your old girl friends and go out for dinner or drinks. They would probably love to hear from you. Quit worrying about him so much. What do you want out of life??? I wouldn't wait for him or get angry. Do something nice for yourself, dump him!! |
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October 18, 2005, 8:31 pm PDT
I have been married for 11 years. There is a 13 year age difference between us- he is older. We have an 8-year-old son, and he has a grown son from his 2nd marriage. I am wife #3 for him. I married him when I was 24 and he is my only marriage. Although we have many good times, I have been stressed to the max every since we've been married. We met and got married in Florida. A year later, he moved us to Iowa. The first four years of our marriage, he had us moving all over the place. I followed him wherever he said to go. He is an entrepreneur in every sense of the word. We had an exterior home renovation company that specialized in insurance claim work. We worked in Iowa, Virginia, Oregon, Texas, Indiana, and Arkansas. Until our son started kindergarten, we all traveled together. Just before our son started school, we moved to Wisconsin. From there, we had a local business from 1998-2002 and he didn't travel so much again until 2002 when the business went belly up. We did however; end up in major business debt. He kind of quit working. Or at least, quit working hard. He began a dream of becoming a tournament fishing professional. Although we couldn't afford it, he spent an average of $35,000.00 a year for three years chasing this dream!!! He never placed high in these tournaments in order to win the money back. It's basically like gambling as far as I'm concerned. In 2002 and 2003, he spent much of the time away from home at either fishing tournaments or working as a consultant in Ohio, Louisiana, Colorado, and Wyoming. In 2003, we filed bankruptcy and he promised to never fish another tournament unless we had 6 months of our bills pre-paid and some money in savings. We have NO savings, no life insurance, nothing. We do without often. Sometimes we have lots of money though, It's eaither feast or famine, but never spent properly, and it's not me doing the spending. In 2004, he made the decision for us to move back to Florida, since there are years of insurance restoration work here due to the five hurricanes that hit the area in late 2004. Insurance restoration work is his specialty. In fact, there is tons of construction work to do here even without insurance work. The place is booming with construction work. So I don't know why he feels the need to travel to get more work. In 2005, although we couldn't afford it, he again spent $30,000.00 in a boat, equipment, and entrance fees and fished three out of the six tournaments, traveling the globe as if we had money. He learned nothing from the bankruptcy. He had a $100K year salary job and got fired recently, after eleven months, because it is the first time in so many years he has worked for anyone else and he wanted things his way. We sold his boat and we've been living on that for a bit. Now, since Katrina, he spent the last month working there. Then, Minneapolis was just hit with a storm, and he is there opening a new business as a partner with some other guys. The reason we moved to Florida was so he didn't have to travel for work so much! I'm furious! He's always chasing some dream, chasing money- it's almost like how some people are addicted to the excitement of "new love", he is addicted to the newsness of a new business venture. Our son needs him home with us. I need him at home with us. He never sees his football games, spends quality time with him, nothing. I can't remeber the last gift, card, date, that we've had. Including holidays. It's always a money-issue. Yet he has money weeks before to do what he wanted or needed! He does "tell" me he loves me about a billion times a day. Talk is cheap. He doesn't phyiscally or mentally abuse me, although he is a "yeller" when life is stressful- which is always. Of course, our son has to hear it, which isn't good. He is missing out on so much. Our son has hyperactivity and is very hard to parent by myself. I have health problems and pain associated with them. It's not fair. This is no marriage. Over the years, I asked him to go to counseling but he refuses. I think because he knows he is wrong and doesn't want someone else telling him that. (I'm past wanting to go to counseling at this pount.) I work from home as his assistant. He keeps me pretty busy with computer and paperwork related to what he does, so I make no income of my own. I do have the skills to do so though. What should I do? We still owe IRS debt that couldn't be erased in the bankruptcy, I can't trust his word, as he said he wouldn't fish unless we had savings and the bills pre-paid (and fished since the bankruptcy anyway) In fact, when he fished, he was not even meeting the family's basic needs. He'd be off fishing and I'd be getting utility shut off notices at home, needing a new washer, dryer, and living room furniture, along with needing clothing for all of us. I can't trust his word that when we moved to Florida he wouldn't travel forwork anymore. His priorities are way out of whack. Our goals in life are different. Our priorities are different. His "goal" is to move to some desolate town in the south and be a fishing guide. Not me! I do love him. What should I do? I can't take the stress anymore. I am a Christian and don't want to break up the family, but sometimes divorce might be in order, even in Christians. Sorry this is so long. Thanks. Someone please respond. As many of you as possible. So I can get many perspectives and answers. PLEASE!!!!! |
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October 19, 2005, 7:41 am PDT
Quote From: mzlora When I married my husband 6 years ago I had no idea that he would turn out to be so lazy and unmotivated to support his family. He was fired (again) in March and has done very little to look for a good job. I have been the one who sends out his resume and he would go on the periodic interview but would do very little to improve his chances of getting hired ie; cut hair, brush teeth. He drives a taxi when the sprit moves him, but spends most of his time playing computer games or lying in bed watching tv. We have twin 4 year-old daughters and the amount of time he has spent with them since he lost his job I could count on one hand. Even when he was working, he would spend any spare time playing games. I have found that the only real time the girls spend with him is when they are sitting on his lap while he plays his computer games. He does nothing to help around the house unless I ask him to. I work part-time and will come home from work and he is still in bed or on the computer. He admits he is depressed but refuses to seek counseling. I am so angry and disappointed in this man. I work, take care of our daughters, do the laundry, cook, clean and get up during the night when one of the girls gets up for whatever reason. We are living on Food Stamps and State medical care. He is perfectly content because he has all he needs with the computer and a roof over his head. He had the opportunity to get a job working on computers, a job he has always wanted, but was turned down because his skills and knowledge are outdated. I suggested taking a few classes to improve his skills and it started a huge fight. He grudginly agreed and is taking a class but rarely does work. What makes me angry is that he does not care about making his family life better because he has all he needs. I have practically stopped making his dinner and his laundry piles up until I cannot stand it. What about the future for his daughters? Do they want to grow up thinking this kind of behavior from a man is ok? Would I and they be better on our own? Please help!!! What if you got rid of the computer? What would hubby do? Would he just sit in bed and stare at the walls? Would he stay unmotivated? Or is he "addicted" tot he computer?
Why are you settling for less than you deserve?
What about the future for his daughters? By the way you have explained your situation, the future of his daughters is in YOUR hands. I suggest you get a full time job.
Do they want to grow up thinking this kind of behavior from a man is ok? I would think that they want to grow up and have their Dad's unconditional love. Personally that would be most important to me.
Would I and they be better on our own? Right now and from how you've described your situation I think the good Doc's statement: "It's better to be healthy alone than sick together." Fits for your situation. If your partner is depressed and refuses to do anything about it -- that would put me in the position of decision making for my life. The key here is that he refuses to treat a VERY treatable illness.
If that were my roof over our head, that computer would HISTORY. And if he still refused to take responsibility for HIS happiness then I would take responsibility for MINE, stop complaining and doing what I needed to do to live MY life MY way.
Your anger will only lead to resentment, then bitterness and then hatred. That is not the kind of wife you really want to be is it?
If my partner, by his actions, was not committed to me, I would think he would be better off finding a partner he COULD commit to. And I would be better off doing the same thing.
Q
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October 19, 2005, 8:15 am PDT
Quote From: bluemom I have been married for 11 years. There is a 13 year age difference between us- he is older. We have an 8-year-old son, and he has a grown son from his 2nd marriage. I am wife #3 for him. I married him when I was 24 and he is my only marriage. Although we have many good times, I have been stressed to the max every since we've been married. We met and got married in Florida. A year later, he moved us to Iowa. The first four years of our marriage, he had us moving all over the place. I followed him wherever he said to go. He is an entrepreneur in every sense of the word. We had an exterior home renovation company that specialized in insurance claim work. We worked in Iowa, Virginia, Oregon, Texas, Indiana, and Arkansas. Until our son started kindergarten, we all traveled together. Just before our son started school, we moved to Wisconsin. From there, we had a local business from 1998-2002 and he didn't travel so much again until 2002 when the business went belly up. We did however; end up in major business debt. He kind of quit working. Or at least, quit working hard. He began a dream of becoming a tournament fishing professional. Although we couldn't afford it, he spent an average of $35,000.00 a year for three years chasing this dream!!! He never placed high in these tournaments in order to win the money back. It's basically like gambling as far as I'm concerned. In 2002 and 2003, he spent much of the time away from home at either fishing tournaments or working as a consultant in Ohio, Louisiana, Colorado, and Wyoming. In 2003, we filed bankruptcy and he promised to never fish another tournament unless we had 6 months of our bills pre-paid and some money in savings. We have NO savings, no life insurance, nothing. We do without often. Sometimes we have lots of money though, It's eaither feast or famine, but never spent properly, and it's not me doing the spending. In 2004, he made the decision for us to move back to Florida, since there are years of insurance restoration work here due to the five hurricanes that hit the area in late 2004. Insurance restoration work is his specialty. In fact, there is tons of construction work to do here even without insurance work. The place is booming with construction work. So I don't know why he feels the need to travel to get more work. In 2005, although we couldn't afford it, he again spent $30,000.00 in a boat, equipment, and entrance fees and fished three out of the six tournaments, traveling the globe as if we had money. He learned nothing from the bankruptcy. He had a $100K year salary job and got fired recently, after eleven months, because it is the first time in so many years he has worked for anyone else and he wanted things his way. We sold his boat and we've been living on that for a bit. Now, since Katrina, he spent the last month working there. Then, Minneapolis was just hit with a storm, and he is there opening a new business as a partner with some other guys. The reason we moved to Florida was so he didn't have to travel for work so much! I'm furious! He's always chasing some dream, chasing money- it's almost like how some people are addicted to the excitement of "new love", he is addicted to the newsness of a new business venture. Our son needs him home with us. I need him at home with us. He never sees his football games, spends quality time with him, nothing. I can't remeber the last gift, card, date, that we've had. Including holidays. It's always a money-issue. Yet he has money weeks before to do what he wanted or needed! He does "tell" me he loves me about a billion times a day. Talk is cheap. He doesn't phyiscally or mentally abuse me, although he is a "yeller" when life is stressful- which is always. Of course, our son has to hear it, which isn't good. He is missing out on so much. Our son has hyperactivity and is very hard to parent by myself. I have health problems and pain associated with them. It's not fair. This is no marriage. Over the years, I asked him to go to counseling but he refuses. I think because he knows he is wrong and doesn't want someone else telling him that. (I'm past wanting to go to counseling at this pount.) I work from home as his assistant. He keeps me pretty busy with computer and paperwork related to what he does, so I make no income of my own. I do have the skills to do so though. What should I do? We still owe IRS debt that couldn't be erased in the bankruptcy, I can't trust his word, as he said he wouldn't fish unless we had savings and the bills pre-paid (and fished since the bankruptcy anyway) In fact, when he fished, he was not even meeting the family's basic needs. He'd be off fishing and I'd be getting utility shut off notices at home, needing a new washer, dryer, and living room furniture, along with needing clothing for all of us. I can't trust his word that when we moved to Florida he wouldn't travel forwork anymore. His priorities are way out of whack. Our goals in life are different. Our priorities are different. His "goal" is to move to some desolate town in the south and be a fishing guide. Not me! I do love him. What should I do? I can't take the stress anymore. I am a Christian and don't want to break up the family, but sometimes divorce might be in order, even in Christians. Sorry this is so long. Thanks. Someone please respond. As many of you as possible. So I can get many perspectives and answers. PLEASE!!!!! What happened to his promise??? Particularly this one: "he promised to never fish another tournament unless we had 6 months of our bills pre-paid and some money in savings."
From the sound of it, he ISN'T the only who hasn't learned anything from the bankruptcy.
What you have on your hands is someone who has NO INTENTION of being financially responsible.
And I would NOT say his priorities are way out of whack -- they are just WAY different than YOURS. Everyone has dreams and anyone who gets to live those dreams and make great money doing it -- is VERY LUCKY.
My dream job would be gardening ALL the time. However, let's GET REAL HERE -- I can not feed my children, put clothes on their backs, or a roof over our head doing that. So gardening is my hobby, I MAKE time for it and when I do, I SAVOR every minute. It feeds my spirit.
You mention alot about hubby's dreams, but I haven't read ONE sentence about yours. What are YOUR dreams? What feeds YOUR spirit? Have you set THAT aside? IF you have, you are making a terrible mistake.
Aside from that, the real question you need to answer is... Can you accept this man AS HE IS???
He is NOT going to change. He has likely promised you the moon and he is NOT going to deliver. Let's just face some facts here, okay? His intentions may be good but the follow through is awful because he has NO impulse control. He is going to do what he wants and he's going to talk you into it. Stop letting him GET AWAY with the latter part because THAT part you DO have control over.
You can't change HIM. But you CAN change you.
Sometimes life is NOT fair -- but you have allowed this situation to continue for HOW long? You allowed him to renig on HIS promise? So WHO is really at fault? Perhaps BOTH of you have contributed to the problems in your marriage??
There comes a time when you have to stand your ground. You either need to hold this man ACCOUNTABLE for his promises and stop feeding HIS impulses or say NO MORE.
As far as what you should do, since you asked for opinions...
I definitely think you should get a job of your own so money stops becoming such an issue for YOU. I would definitely NOT subsidize ANY of his activities until he can show you that his words can be trusted which is doubtful, at best, right? If he wants to pay for those activities on his own AFTER the bills are paid, fine, I'd say go for any dream you want, but the bills MUST be paid first and he is liable for 1/2. Those would be the conditions underwhich I would continue to live with him.
If he can handle the new conditions, I suggest you work at accepting this man AS HE IS. Allow him time for his dreams because living with an unhappy partner is misery for everyone.
Oh, I would not move ANYWHERE ANYMORE. Your child needs stability -- THAT is more important and I think you already know that. And, honestly, I think you need stability too. For many women, happiness comes from the home and I think you have been a gypsy for way too long.
Because there is no abuse (yelling is verbal abuse though), I would try EVERYTHING in my heart to repair the relationship before leaving. Turn over every stone, rock and pebble. Get counseling alone if need be. If you have tried it ALL, then you will have a sense of peace about ending this one.
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October 19, 2005, 8:50 am PDT
I am married to a woman that i do love. been dating married dating alltogether for 16 yrs. it seems when you are young in love dating and have your own space lifes etc it seems to hide alot you dont see. what this whole post is about is balance in work love family etc that i know is mising . i have always been the one that had to initaite all this still and none will happen,,sex ,, cuddling , i would call her at work to say hi, i would shop and cook , i would ask her to go to movies or something fun. she really dosent take initiative even with herself. she works late usually not her choice its the career , its always been that way i have tried to do all i could so she could just come home and relax. but sometimes i think she just stays late as she has said because she chooses to. i know this pattern i have been able to see has been the way she was even in school as a kid etc. its like she likes to plan and be in the middle of things and like it as a result I feel like i dont really get the softness and neediness that i see in women generally and what my friends wifes express even when we are visiting with them. my wife is so ready and on her toes to do evrything but domestic basics,so much that she dosent even know what she is missing yet will see it sometimes in us or others that are together and complain about feeling dryed up emotionally no love etc and dosent see how it relates to her actions etc i grew up in a close family , she grew up in a busy family. i never saw any of this before its all just gotten clearer over time most of this time i have been alone during the evenings while she works late for yrs so its been hard to see what was really going on here. i wanna bond and lay under the stars and feel bonding yet she cant really do that becuse she will lay there and anxiously pick at her figernails and be thinking about work or a remodel at home she wants to do. its hard i love her yet i feel like i may never get to that place i want to with her. i am avery tradional romantic viewed man yet i understand it takes two nowdays to run a home since we both work. but i cant do it all she does a few things a time a month or so , yet i cant clean the house its all her mess, and i wont cook anymore because she says i just cook to make her feel bad and she said she wont cook for me.((well what would she do if i wasnt there?) so we eat carry out for years and she complains about that. i am not perfect either but its hard to live like this i feel like my whole life is like i am in a waiting room reading a magazine while things will sometime get normal. anyone ever seen this before? i guess maybe some people are just made to be alone or with whom they choose and call their own shots etc. i have just kept hoping she would wake up take initiative stop blaming me and be what she wants and not play the victim card on me if i wanted out . i am getting to the point were i feel like i am wasting away and i have no kids i have a strange life etc it all saddens me. she wants me to take charge and be a man well i have tried and i gave up because its liek she just wants me to say what i feel then she can bend me her way of doing things , then of course it dosent happen, i have helped her get many resources to do hobbies etc she has said if i only i could do that thing if i had the ways the means and i help her and then she never ever doe sthat activity and its off to something else. its like our life is a puzzle on a table and our life is just about that there is so much to do, not that we are doing it. i did more than many men as told to me by other women. i tried and gave yet i got kicked about it emotionally. so i finally gave up and decided she has to take initiative and we must be a team and she has to realize this. couseling had valid points and it could have helped yet she didnt want to do that anymore either. i am maybe at a point yet i love her that maybe it isnt gonna work. i feel bad i wish it may work maybe it can but i just feel like there is so much missing that a woman brings that she isnt doing that. maybe its not in her. she says she has felt all grown up and adult since she was a kid and she never found herself or had the chance as a kid. its like i feel like i can talk about a lot with other women that are friends my age there is so much there yet with my wife there is an awareness of those things yet she didint do them or pay attention becasue she was busy. i just figured i wanted to much in a wife yet i see this bond in many couples i know of all ages. its hard to wanna leave or want more when things are like this. instead of taking responsibility of herself she says i think she is defective. it all adds up to where i dont feel attracted to her emotionally sexually anymore and feel i can be happier. which sadly she has told me at time si can do better than her she is lazy she is a bum etc. been along time together i just us to be happy and stop wasting our lives. i came home 2 yrs ago an dlet her as the victim call all the shots becasue i thought we could be better but all the walls she put up and the same bad traits all added up to a point wher i feel like man maybe this isnt right for us anymore.
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October 19, 2005, 12:34 pm PDT
not sure where to start. just looking for comments maybe advice. my wife met an old friend agian about a year or so ago. started doing alot of things together wich i thougt at the time was good. we the three us would go out together B's husband didnt have much interest in having drinks and such out in loud places. as time went on my wife had issues with me on a married level, how i treated her etc. (in public) . B had a reletionship previous in her marriage with another woman and had went back to her husband etc. My wife i believe brought that i had this fanstay to have my wife and another woman in our bedroom, this is true. anyway it started to happen with the two of them having most of the sex and me watching or doing things to or with my wife, never intercourse with "B". my wife and b then would have long talks etc. about there lives. time with each other became more and more with them two. i complained to a point then about 9 months later this past sept. b told her husband she was leaving him and she was in love with my wife! i asked my wife if she felt the same and she mostly agreed. we tried several options (me leaving, her leaving at night to b house, now were at the no communication other than when were helping kids etc.) she stays at b house with b, our kids go there occasionally(which makes me sick). anyways my wife goes there because she says she is happy, comfortable, able to have her opinion, all the things i didnt allow for appr. 10 years . she is right on alot of things , my control was more than it should have been, etc. anyway she doesnt want to try anything to fix our marriage like a therapist together, i go alone for my own issues that bother her and that bother me. she says she has to do this in order to know if she really loves me that a wife, mother, friend should. this is alot but if anyone has any comments on experience with this it would be great. I do love my wife, and have forgiveness for the things she has done, and that i have done.. but just scared, lonely, afaird, trying to hold on to see if there is a real chance for us.
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October 19, 2005, 12:43 pm PDT
Quote From: qqqhhh What happened to his promise??? Particularly this one: "he promised to never fish another tournament unless we had 6 months of our bills pre-paid and some money in savings."
From the sound of it, he ISN'T the only who hasn't learned anything from the bankruptcy.
What you have on your hands is someone who has NO INTENTION of being financially responsible.
And I would NOT say his priorities are way out of whack -- they are just WAY different than YOURS. Everyone has dreams and anyone who gets to live those dreams and make great money doing it -- is VERY LUCKY.
My dream job would be gardening ALL the time. However, let's GET REAL HERE -- I can not feed my children, put clothes on their backs, or a roof over our head doing that. So gardening is my hobby, I MAKE time for it and when I do, I SAVOR every minute. It feeds my spirit.
You mention alot about hubby's dreams, but I haven't read ONE sentence about yours. What are YOUR dreams? What feeds YOUR spirit? Have you set THAT aside? IF you have, you are making a terrible mistake.
Aside from that, the real question you need to answer is... Can you accept this man AS HE IS???
He is NOT going to change. He has likely promised you the moon and he is NOT going to deliver. Let's just face some facts here, okay? His intentions may be good but the follow through is awful because he has NO impulse control. He is going to do what he wants and he's going to talk you into it. Stop letting him GET AWAY with the latter part because THAT part you DO have control over.
You can't change HIM. But you CAN change you.
Sometimes life is NOT fair -- but you have allowed this situation to continue for HOW long? You allowed him to renig on HIS promise? So WHO is really at fault? Perhaps BOTH of you have contributed to the problems in your marriage??
There comes a time when you have to stand your ground. You either need to hold this man ACCOUNTABLE for his promises and stop feeding HIS impulses or say NO MORE.
As far as what you should do, since you asked for opinions...
I definitely think you should get a job of your own so money stops becoming such an issue for YOU. I would definitely NOT subsidize ANY of his activities until he can show you that his words can be trusted which is doubtful, at best, right? If he wants to pay for those activities on his own AFTER the bills are paid, fine, I'd say go for any dream you want, but the bills MUST be paid first and he is liable for 1/2. Those would be the conditions underwhich I would continue to live with him.
If he can handle the new conditions, I suggest you work at accepting this man AS HE IS. Allow him time for his dreams because living with an unhappy partner is misery for everyone.
Oh, I would not move ANYWHERE ANYMORE. Your child needs stability -- THAT is more important and I think you already know that. And, honestly, I think you need stability too. For many women, happiness comes from the home and I think you have been a gypsy for way too long.
Because there is no abuse (yelling is verbal abuse though), I would try EVERYTHING in my heart to repair the relationship before leaving. Turn over every stone, rock and pebble. Get counseling alone if need be. If you have tried it ALL, then you will have a sense of peace about ending this one.
Q I have never set aside time for MY dreams. I have no hobbies. What you have said sounds like VERY good advice. Every single word. THANK YOU!!!! :-) |
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October 19, 2005, 10:35 pm PDT
I don't really know where to post this...but none of the other categories seemed to fit either...
I have been married 2 1/2 years. I found out 6 months ago that my husband has been compulsively lying to me for most of our relationship. The icing on the cake was when he told me he broke his collar bone at work, so he couldn' t work for a month. Meanwhile, he was telling his work that his father died, and his mom had a heart attack...so he wouldn't be able to work for awhile.
When I found everything out (randomly through someone at his work), I separated from him for a couple weeks. I came back...determined for myself and my 1 1/2 year old daughter to do everything I can for our marriage. I set up marriage therapy for us...and our therapist told us that we need to establish trust again in our marriage before anything else.
My husband is gone traveling with his job every week, M-F...which he says the boss initially told him he wouldn't have to do. I have been asking my husband to talk to his boss about not traveling out of town so much (especially since they had this verbal agreement from the beginning). He has been putting it off for 5 months...until our therapist just told him that he needs to talk to his boss, in order to regain my trust and respect. Our therapist recommended that we go in together, so that I know that the conversation actually takes place...and so I can see if my husband has been being honest with me ever since the collar bone incident.
I just told my husband tonight that I feel like going with him to talk to his boss is what I need to regain trust...and to start rebuilding our relationship. He freaked out...and said that there is no way he would want me to go with him. I feel like he is hiding something...and I don't understand why he isn't willing to do what it takes to regain my trust. Shouldn't that mean more to him? I told him that if he won't let me do this, I don't know if I'll stay. He got even madder...and told me that that is totally ridiculous...and that if I decide to leave then that is my choice...just to "leave the door unlocked" for when he gets home this week.
Am I asking too much? What should I do? I am so sad that our marriage, our baby, and I don't mean enough for him to do what it takes to rebuild trust...and consequently our marriage. HELP! |
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October 19, 2005, 11:11 pm PDT
Quote From: amystery I don't really know where to post this...but none of the other categories seemed to fit either...
I have been married 2 1/2 years. I found out 6 months ago that my husband has been compulsively lying to me for most of our relationship. The icing on the cake was when he told me he broke his collar bone at work, so he couldn' t work for a month. Meanwhile, he was telling his work that his father died, and his mom had a heart attack...so he wouldn't be able to work for awhile.
When I found everything out (randomly through someone at his work), I separated from him for a couple weeks. I came back...determined for myself and my 1 1/2 year old daughter to do everything I can for our marriage. I set up marriage therapy for us...and our therapist told us that we need to establish trust again in our marriage before anything else.
My husband is gone traveling with his job every week, M-F...which he says the boss initially told him he wouldn't have to do. I have been asking my husband to talk to his boss about not traveling out of town so much (especially since they had this verbal agreement from the beginning). He has been putting it off for 5 months...until our therapist just told him that he needs to talk to his boss, in order to regain my trust and respect. Our therapist recommended that we go in together, so that I know that the conversation actually takes place...and so I can see if my husband has been being honest with me ever since the collar bone incident.
I just told my husband tonight that I feel like going with him to talk to his boss is what I need to regain trust...and to start rebuilding our relationship. He freaked out...and said that there is no way he would want me to go with him. I feel like he is hiding something...and I don't understand why he isn't willing to do what it takes to regain my trust. Shouldn't that mean more to him? I told him that if he won't let me do this, I don't know if I'll stay. He got even madder...and told me that that is totally ridiculous...and that if I decide to leave then that is my choice...just to "leave the door unlocked" for when he gets home this week.
Am I asking too much? What should I do? I am so sad that our marriage, our baby, and I don't mean enough for him to do what it takes to rebuild trust...and consequently our marriage. HELP! I don't know if your therapist has told you, but a compulsive liar has less chance of changing than a drug addict. I hope he is in the minority, but I doubt he will ever change.
Yes, you are asking way too much to have you go with him to talk to his boss. I am shocked your therapist would suggest that. That would jeopardize his job, as I would think his boss would not want to get involved in his employees personal life.
I would think it very difficult to build trust to someone that can't tell the truth to start with. Good luck
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October 20, 2005, 3:31 am PDT
I've been reading this board over the last few days with interest and Im hoping that someone will be able to give me some advice.
Im 27 and my husband is 38 and we have been married for 10 years and have 2 daughters. My relationship with my husband has become unbearable over the last 2 years. He has never been violent towards me and has always strived to give us the best that he possibly could. However, in this pursuit it seems we have lost sight of our marriage and have grown apart completely. We don't have the same interests and he is unwilling to become involved in anything that I do. He drinks at least 1 bottle of wine per day which contributes to his snoring problem. For the last yearI have splet on the sofa and we don't have a physical relationship either.
we recently came to Florida for what should have been a holiday of a lifetime but we ended up arguing most days and Is pent most of the 2 weeks sleeping on the hotel floor. I know I should probably leave but I have no one to turn to, my mother died when I was 16 and all my sisters live away from me. Im frightened to change the kids lifestyles too as at the moment I anm studying and not working so I would have no source of income. I just can't seem to find the courage toleave although this is draining me more and more each day.
Any advice would be msot welcome right now. |
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