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Topic : Divorce Support
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October 12, 2005, 9:57 am PDT
 Quote From: erinjo2k5 My husband and I have a 4 year old, 1 year old and we have another one on the way. My husband moved me from my hometown in Maryland to FL a few years ago promising that life would be better (quality of life and financially.) It's worse! He has made MAJOR purchases without me knowing, we took out a home loan to pay off all our debt last December, when I stumbled on a credit card with 12k worth of transfers/charges on it. I confronted him about it and he said it's my fault. We use to be financially stable but now we live paycheck to paycheck. No matter what the subject matter is, if I try to talk to him he cuts me off, walks away, or starts yelling and cussing at me. He is constantly putting me down along with my family. He has put his hands on me a few times. We constantly argue. He's good at calling me a B!@$% in front of my kids. I have no family nor friends here. I have no one to turn to when I have a doctors appointment or when I have to do other errands. My husbands parents are moving down in six months (2 hours away.) They are very snotty and rude. They don't like me and they definitely don't like my family. They also like to "control" everything. We don't even share a room together. We had a discussion about me having to go to the dentist but I didn't have anyone to watch the kids, his response was "it's not my problem." For 5 years I have dealt with this. Kids or no kids, I can't take it anymore. It's not healthy for me or my children. Of course he is threatening to take the kids if I leave...which I'm not worried about because he can't afford to do it himself with his debt. Do I walk out? Should I stick out? Ask your self these questions:
Do I have a partner that I can work with (and who will work with me)?
Have I done EVERYTHING in my heart to fix the situation?
Have gone and gotten help to learn anything ELSE I can do to fix the situation?
If your answers are no, yes, and yes then you have to ask your self these questions:
Why am I staying in a miserable marriage? What I am afraid of? Why am I putting up with less than I deserve?
Yelling, cussing and name calling are VERBAL ABUSE -- and in many jurisdictions, that alone, is grounds for divorce.
Don't buy his threats either -- they are an attempt to KEEP you controlled/under his thumb. It is also EMOTIONAL ABUSE.
You need to education YOUR SELF about the legal ramifications of divorce. In most jurisdictions you are entitled to 1/2 the house, 1/2 the cars, boats, RVS, any other assets, 1/2 the 401K BUT you are ALSO liable for 1/2 the debt including, mortgage, car loans, credit cards etc. So don't fool yourself into thinking that your divorce is going to be easy. Divorces are devastating. If you haven't worked and are an at-home-Mom you may be entitled to separate maintenance until you find a job.
I suggest you get a long list of questions and go see a lawyer BEFORE you just up and walk out.
I also suggest that you find a support group and/or start making some friends because you are going to need the support whether you go or stay. I also suggest that talk to your family about what is happening and reach out for support.
I agree that your relationship is not a healthy one and you CAN do something about that.
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October 12, 2005, 10:06 am PDT
Quote From: tweety1 My husband is christian and I am a hindu. He was very adamant from the begining to hindusim. My religious beliefs allowed me to embrace his religion. As he was not wiling to have a hindu wedding or do anything associated with hinduism I baptised and had a church wedding. I had an option of registered marriage but I felt a sense of obligation towards him and his family. I regret every decision since. Now we are at war with religion. He says he will not compromise on religion. We have the most unhappy marriage. He is still forcing me to do things his way. I had asked him before marriage if it would be ok if i never practiced christianity and he said yes. Now that I have stopped because I was not happy and gone back to practising my own religious practices he has put conditions on me. He says that if we have kids they will only follow christianity and the household will be all christian. My family will not teach our kids anything and he dosen't take part in any family events. He is making my life hell. I can't believe how hard I have worked to support him and now he is treating me this way. We are almost reaching a divorce. Neither of our religious practices allow us to have a divorce and I don't really want one either. What can I do? :(
So he LIED to you? He said it would be okay that you practice your religion of choice, you trusted that and so used that as a decision to go forward. Now he has renegged?!?
Hmmm... what happened to the vows you both took at the time of your marriage? Do those mean anything to him? "Love, HONOR, cherish? Is it honorable to from him to put conditions on your religion when he said you could worship as you saw fit?
He has BROKEN his vow. If he breaks this vow, what others will he break or "change" his mind about?
For me, the vows I made with my current hubby are EXTREMELY important. They are the rules that guide MY treatment of HIM. And his vows are the rules that guide HIS treatement of ME. When either of us, makes a mistake or violates that rule, we have the right to hold one another accountable.
I suggest you hold hubby ACCOUNTABLE to his promise and his vows. As his wife you have that right.
And if he, for whatever reason, cannot honor YOUR rights or y'all's VOWS (holy vows, made in front of God AND witnesses), then you have NO MARRIAGE.
Marriage, to me, is ALL about compromise. Where is the compromise in YOURS?
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October 13, 2005, 11:04 pm PDT
Quote From: tweety1 My husband is christian and I am a hindu. He was very adamant from the begining to hindusim. My religious beliefs allowed me to embrace his religion. As he was not wiling to have a hindu wedding or do anything associated with hinduism I baptised and had a church wedding. I had an option of registered marriage but I felt a sense of obligation towards him and his family. I regret every decision since. Now we are at war with religion. He says he will not compromise on religion. We have the most unhappy marriage. He is still forcing me to do things his way. I had asked him before marriage if it would be ok if i never practiced christianity and he said yes. Now that I have stopped because I was not happy and gone back to practising my own religious practices he has put conditions on me. He says that if we have kids they will only follow christianity and the household will be all christian. My family will not teach our kids anything and he dosen't take part in any family events. He is making my life hell. I can't believe how hard I have worked to support him and now he is treating me this way. We are almost reaching a divorce. Neither of our religious practices allow us to have a divorce and I don't really want one either. What can I do? :(
I guess fighting with logic about fairness may work - but if your husband was tuned into fairness & justice, you wouldn't have this issue. If he is using his religion against you, try reading the Bible - he should have one available if he knows what Christianity is. Christ was a man of Love who's message was one of acceptance. There are examples this you could use to explain to your husband that he is not being very "Christian" by forcing you to do what is not "you". Christ would never have done that - he befriended prostitutes, etc - he wasn't into rejection. It is a pity that "Christians" talk about Christ, but few have the nerve to follow his examples. He said to follow the spirit of the law, not the letter of the law, yet to this day, people who say they follow him want to reduce everything dowm to a set of rules - because that is easier and safer than following your heart. It is because Christ followed his heart and didn't follow the safe -(man-made) rules- that he was killed by man. Follow your own heart and be Hindu - Christ will accept you as a fellow spirtual being befoe he would accept the bossy, and bad-spirited ways of your husband. I would respect a good Hindu before a poor spirited Christian. (I am a Christian).
good luck. Neil
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October 14, 2005, 12:26 pm PDT
When I married my husband 6 years ago I had no idea that he would turn out to be so lazy and unmotivated to support his family. He was fired (again) in March and has done very little to look for a good job. I have been the one who sends out his resume and he would go on the periodic interview but would do very little to improve his chances of getting hired ie; cut hair, brush teeth. He drives a taxi when the sprit moves him, but spends most of his time playing computer games or lying in bed watching tv. We have twin 4 year-old daughters and the amount of time he has spent with them since he lost his job I could count on one hand. Even when he was working, he would spend any spare time playing games. I have found that the only real time the girls spend with him is when they are sitting on his lap while he plays his computer games. He does nothing to help around the house unless I ask him to. I work part-time and will come home from work and he is still in bed or on the computer. He admits he is depressed but refuses to seek counseling. I am so angry and disappointed in this man. I work, take care of our daughters, do the laundry, cook, clean and get up during the night when one of the girls gets up for whatever reason. We are living on Food Stamps and State medical care. He is perfectly content because he has all he needs with the computer and a roof over his head. He had the opportunity to get a job working on computers, a job he has always wanted, but was turned down because his skills and knowledge are outdated. I suggested taking a few classes to improve his skills and it started a huge fight. He grudginly agreed and is taking a class but rarely does work. What makes me angry is that he does not care about making his family life better because he has all he needs. I have practically stopped making his dinner and his laundry piles up until I cannot stand it. What about the future for his daughters? Do they want to grow up thinking this kind of behavior from a man is ok? Would I and they be better on our own? Please help!!! |
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October 15, 2005, 10:55 am PDT
Quote From: mzlora When I married my husband 6 years ago I had no idea that he would turn out to be so lazy and unmotivated to support his family. He was fired (again) in March and has done very little to look for a good job. I have been the one who sends out his resume and he would go on the periodic interview but would do very little to improve his chances of getting hired ie; cut hair, brush teeth. He drives a taxi when the sprit moves him, but spends most of his time playing computer games or lying in bed watching tv. We have twin 4 year-old daughters and the amount of time he has spent with them since he lost his job I could count on one hand. Even when he was working, he would spend any spare time playing games. I have found that the only real time the girls spend with him is when they are sitting on his lap while he plays his computer games. He does nothing to help around the house unless I ask him to. I work part-time and will come home from work and he is still in bed or on the computer. He admits he is depressed but refuses to seek counseling. I am so angry and disappointed in this man. I work, take care of our daughters, do the laundry, cook, clean and get up during the night when one of the girls gets up for whatever reason. We are living on Food Stamps and State medical care. He is perfectly content because he has all he needs with the computer and a roof over his head. He had the opportunity to get a job working on computers, a job he has always wanted, but was turned down because his skills and knowledge are outdated. I suggested taking a few classes to improve his skills and it started a huge fight. He grudginly agreed and is taking a class but rarely does work. What makes me angry is that he does not care about making his family life better because he has all he needs. I have practically stopped making his dinner and his laundry piles up until I cannot stand it. What about the future for his daughters? Do they want to grow up thinking this kind of behavior from a man is ok? Would I and they be better on our own? Please help!!! It sounds like your husband is addicted to gaming and other mindless pursuits like watching TV. It's an escape and an addiction that can be as bad as alcohol, drugs and overeating. The fact that he's getting worse about working, getting fired from every job, and won't keep up with basic cleanliness is an indication of how far he has taken it. There is help for this, I saw a young man on the Dr Phil show that was addicted to gaming. Maybe you can e-mail the staff to find out more. In the meantime, maybe getting rid of the computer will motivate him to get up and do something? Even if it just wakes him up to his predicament, it would be helpful. |
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October 16, 2005, 6:36 am PDT
My husband & I have been together for 16 years, (married for 5). His parents have been divorced for approx. 19-20 years. My parents have just celebrated their 50th anniversary! The issue's we have are many? At first we were "HAPPY" but for some reason his father has always tried to be involved (dictate) our marriage. My husband has let his influence come between us to the degree that I feel I am married to his father, him & NOW his mother too!! If I dare say ANYTHING about his family we agrue or don't speak to one another for days! I've tried to ignore his families attempts to ruin our marriage BUT I refuse to keep my inlaws in my life any longer. Most recently my MIL her husband died unexpectly (heart attack while asleep) in the obituary his mother named ALL OF THE SIBLINGS & THERE WIFE'S OR HUSBANDS EXCEPT ME!! Not that I am surprised. I had even sent flowers & card to her, for her lose. All my husband says is "I'm sorry!" That doesn't make anything better, I want my husabnd to stand up to his disrespectful family, on my behalf. Instead he plays the middle of the fence trying to keep both happy? It doesn't work!!!! I am the one who is thought of last it's like my feeling do not matter? I'm tired of all there opinion's on our marriage that they know absolutely NOTHING ABOUT!! They ( his mother & sister only have contact with him around the holiday's) his father calls everyday 7 days a week!!!!!! Basically I am fed up with this whole thing & have started to look for otheer living arrangements. BUT I don't want to leave because I do love my husband but can't take the hurt of being second or third in his life any more! So, is it right to give up my marriage for the sake of his family?? Besides NOW with his mother losing her husband she will be more needing of my husband than ever? Let me add that his family thrives on DRAMA!!! You've heard the fairy tale of the boy who cried wolf.............?? Well, I've married into the family!!! Iguess I know what is best for me, I just wondered if anyone else had a simular problem & how they dealt with it? other than getting a DIVORCE? How do you divorce someone you love & believe's they love you too, because of there family...........??? |
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October 18, 2005, 5:49 am PDT
Quote From: candacegil Wow--you just gave me chills! My life is almost parallel to yours right now. Just had our 11th anniversary this weekend. My husband has just moved out and although he says he's trying to work on our marriage--I just got our cell phone bill and he's talking to this woman from work--almost every night. I wonder as you do--does he want me to find out and get angry, each time I mention that obviously our marriage is over he gets angry with me and says that he's not ready to say that. He's kept me from having friends too, so my life has been all about him for the past 15 years--now I don't know what to do without him. I believe he has depression problems, but he would never admit to that. I'm not sure which way to go--should I keep spending time with him on his terms and hope that he figures out that he wants our marriage or should I get angry and tell him to leave me alone until he figures this out. I haven't told him that I know about the cell calls, I feel that if I do I then take away the one thing that gives me insite as to what he's doing. What confuses me most is he will talk to her either right before or right after he talks to me. He had told me once they were just friends from work, but with everything going on and him moving out, this "friendship" sure isn't helping us. I would love to communicate more---how do we get in touch?? I was married for 10 years. My ex actually took my 8 yr old daughter to a baseball game with his "girlfriend". That is how I found out he was cheating on me. He would talk to her on his cell phone in front of me and use my neighbors name when he talked to her. I thought he was talking to the neighbor!!! He told me he wanted out of our relationship the day he took my daughter to the game. However, he wouldn't move out. I tried to get him to go to counseling for 2 months. He went once. I went every week at least once. Finally, I told him to move out. It was one of the hardest and best things I've ever done. I didn't realize how miserable I was with him. He was verbally and emotionally abusive. He never liked any of my friends. He also didn't like crowds, so we never went anywhere. I had a allowance of $100.00 per month. That was supposed to cover my hair, clothing, makeup and anything fun I wanted to do. However, he could go to the grocery store and blow our food budget and spend $150 on steak and beer. I was a stay at home Mom. I have a college degree and a CPA. However, when it came time for me to get my license, he said it would cost too much. I had worked years to get that license. Luckily, I didn't listen to him. Now, I have my own CPA firm where my office is in my house. He tells my daughter that I don't have a real job. My suggestion, call your old girl friends and go out for dinner or drinks. They would probably love to hear from you. Quit worrying about him so much. What do you want out of life??? I wouldn't wait for him or get angry. Do something nice for yourself, dump him!! |
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October 18, 2005, 8:31 pm PDT
I have been married for 11 years. There is a 13 year age difference between us- he is older. We have an 8-year-old son, and he has a grown son from his 2nd marriage. I am wife #3 for him. I married him when I was 24 and he is my only marriage. Although we have many good times, I have been stressed to the max every since we've been married. We met and got married in Florida. A year later, he moved us to Iowa. The first four years of our marriage, he had us moving all over the place. I followed him wherever he said to go. He is an entrepreneur in every sense of the word. We had an exterior home renovation company that specialized in insurance claim work. We worked in Iowa, Virginia, Oregon, Texas, Indiana, and Arkansas. Until our son started kindergarten, we all traveled together. Just before our son started school, we moved to Wisconsin. From there, we had a local business from 1998-2002 and he didn't travel so much again until 2002 when the business went belly up. We did however; end up in major business debt. He kind of quit working. Or at least, quit working hard. He began a dream of becoming a tournament fishing professional. Although we couldn't afford it, he spent an average of $35,000.00 a year for three years chasing this dream!!! He never placed high in these tournaments in order to win the money back. It's basically like gambling as far as I'm concerned. In 2002 and 2003, he spent much of the time away from home at either fishing tournaments or working as a consultant in Ohio, Louisiana, Colorado, and Wyoming. In 2003, we filed bankruptcy and he promised to never fish another tournament unless we had 6 months of our bills pre-paid and some money in savings. We have NO savings, no life insurance, nothing. We do without often. Sometimes we have lots of money though, It's eaither feast or famine, but never spent properly, and it's not me doing the spending. In 2004, he made the decision for us to move back to Florida, since there are years of insurance restoration work here due to the five hurricanes that hit the area in late 2004. Insurance restoration work is his specialty. In fact, there is tons of construction work to do here even without insurance work. The place is booming with construction work. So I don't know why he feels the need to travel to get more work. In 2005, although we couldn't afford it, he again spent $30,000.00 in a boat, equipment, and entrance fees and fished three out of the six tournaments, traveling the globe as if we had money. He learned nothing from the bankruptcy. He had a $100K year salary job and got fired recently, after eleven months, because it is the first time in so many years he has worked for anyone else and he wanted things his way. We sold his boat and we've been living on that for a bit. Now, since Katrina, he spent the last month working there. Then, Minneapolis was just hit with a storm, and he is there opening a new business as a partner with some other guys. The reason we moved to Florida was so he didn't have to travel for work so much! I'm furious! He's always chasing some dream, chasing money- it's almost like how some people are addicted to the excitement of "new love", he is addicted to the newsness of a new business venture. Our son needs him home with us. I need him at home with us. He never sees his football games, spends quality time with him, nothing. I can't remeber the last gift, card, date, that we've had. Including holidays. It's always a money-issue. Yet he has money weeks before to do what he wanted or needed! He does "tell" me he loves me about a billion times a day. Talk is cheap. He doesn't phyiscally or mentally abuse me, although he is a "yeller" when life is stressful- which is always. Of course, our son has to hear it, which isn't good. He is missing out on so much. Our son has hyperactivity and is very hard to parent by myself. I have health problems and pain associated with them. It's not fair. This is no marriage. Over the years, I asked him to go to counseling but he refuses. I think because he knows he is wrong and doesn't want someone else telling him that. (I'm past wanting to go to counseling at this pount.) I work from home as his assistant. He keeps me pretty busy with computer and paperwork related to what he does, so I make no income of my own. I do have the skills to do so though. What should I do? We still owe IRS debt that couldn't be erased in the bankruptcy, I can't trust his word, as he said he wouldn't fish unless we had savings and the bills pre-paid (and fished since the bankruptcy anyway) In fact, when he fished, he was not even meeting the family's basic needs. He'd be off fishing and I'd be getting utility shut off notices at home, needing a new washer, dryer, and living room furniture, along with needing clothing for all of us. I can't trust his word that when we moved to Florida he wouldn't travel forwork anymore. His priorities are way out of whack. Our goals in life are different. Our priorities are different. His "goal" is to move to some desolate town in the south and be a fishing guide. Not me! I do love him. What should I do? I can't take the stress anymore. I am a Christian and don't want to break up the family, but sometimes divorce might be in order, even in Christians. Sorry this is so long. Thanks. Someone please respond. As many of you as possible. So I can get many perspectives and answers. PLEASE!!!!! |
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October 19, 2005, 7:41 am PDT
Quote From: mzlora When I married my husband 6 years ago I had no idea that he would turn out to be so lazy and unmotivated to support his family. He was fired (again) in March and has done very little to look for a good job. I have been the one who sends out his resume and he would go on the periodic interview but would do very little to improve his chances of getting hired ie; cut hair, brush teeth. He drives a taxi when the sprit moves him, but spends most of his time playing computer games or lying in bed watching tv. We have twin 4 year-old daughters and the amount of time he has spent with them since he lost his job I could count on one hand. Even when he was working, he would spend any spare time playing games. I have found that the only real time the girls spend with him is when they are sitting on his lap while he plays his computer games. He does nothing to help around the house unless I ask him to. I work part-time and will come home from work and he is still in bed or on the computer. He admits he is depressed but refuses to seek counseling. I am so angry and disappointed in this man. I work, take care of our daughters, do the laundry, cook, clean and get up during the night when one of the girls gets up for whatever reason. We are living on Food Stamps and State medical care. He is perfectly content because he has all he needs with the computer and a roof over his head. He had the opportunity to get a job working on computers, a job he has always wanted, but was turned down because his skills and knowledge are outdated. I suggested taking a few classes to improve his skills and it started a huge fight. He grudginly agreed and is taking a class but rarely does work. What makes me angry is that he does not care about making his family life better because he has all he needs. I have practically stopped making his dinner and his laundry piles up until I cannot stand it. What about the future for his daughters? Do they want to grow up thinking this kind of behavior from a man is ok? Would I and they be better on our own? Please help!!! What if you got rid of the computer? What would hubby do? Would he just sit in bed and stare at the walls? Would he stay unmotivated? Or is he "addicted" tot he computer?
Why are you settling for less than you deserve?
What about the future for his daughters? By the way you have explained your situation, the future of his daughters is in YOUR hands. I suggest you get a full time job.
Do they want to grow up thinking this kind of behavior from a man is ok? I would think that they want to grow up and have their Dad's unconditional love. Personally that would be most important to me.
Would I and they be better on our own? Right now and from how you've described your situation I think the good Doc's statement: "It's better to be healthy alone than sick together." Fits for your situation. If your partner is depressed and refuses to do anything about it -- that would put me in the position of decision making for my life. The key here is that he refuses to treat a VERY treatable illness.
If that were my roof over our head, that computer would HISTORY. And if he still refused to take responsibility for HIS happiness then I would take responsibility for MINE, stop complaining and doing what I needed to do to live MY life MY way.
Your anger will only lead to resentment, then bitterness and then hatred. That is not the kind of wife you really want to be is it?
If my partner, by his actions, was not committed to me, I would think he would be better off finding a partner he COULD commit to. And I would be better off doing the same thing.
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October 19, 2005, 8:15 am PDT
Quote From: bluemom I have been married for 11 years. There is a 13 year age difference between us- he is older. We have an 8-year-old son, and he has a grown son from his 2nd marriage. I am wife #3 for him. I married him when I was 24 and he is my only marriage. Although we have many good times, I have been stressed to the max every since we've been married. We met and got married in Florida. A year later, he moved us to Iowa. The first four years of our marriage, he had us moving all over the place. I followed him wherever he said to go. He is an entrepreneur in every sense of the word. We had an exterior home renovation company that specialized in insurance claim work. We worked in Iowa, Virginia, Oregon, Texas, Indiana, and Arkansas. Until our son started kindergarten, we all traveled together. Just before our son started school, we moved to Wisconsin. From there, we had a local business from 1998-2002 and he didn't travel so much again until 2002 when the business went belly up. We did however; end up in major business debt. He kind of quit working. Or at least, quit working hard. He began a dream of becoming a tournament fishing professional. Although we couldn't afford it, he spent an average of $35,000.00 a year for three years chasing this dream!!! He never placed high in these tournaments in order to win the money back. It's basically like gambling as far as I'm concerned. In 2002 and 2003, he spent much of the time away from home at either fishing tournaments or working as a consultant in Ohio, Louisiana, Colorado, and Wyoming. In 2003, we filed bankruptcy and he promised to never fish another tournament unless we had 6 months of our bills pre-paid and some money in savings. We have NO savings, no life insurance, nothing. We do without often. Sometimes we have lots of money though, It's eaither feast or famine, but never spent properly, and it's not me doing the spending. In 2004, he made the decision for us to move back to Florida, since there are years of insurance restoration work here due to the five hurricanes that hit the area in late 2004. Insurance restoration work is his specialty. In fact, there is tons of construction work to do here even without insurance work. The place is booming with construction work. So I don't know why he feels the need to travel to get more work. In 2005, although we couldn't afford it, he again spent $30,000.00 in a boat, equipment, and entrance fees and fished three out of the six tournaments, traveling the globe as if we had money. He learned nothing from the bankruptcy. He had a $100K year salary job and got fired recently, after eleven months, because it is the first time in so many years he has worked for anyone else and he wanted things his way. We sold his boat and we've been living on that for a bit. Now, since Katrina, he spent the last month working there. Then, Minneapolis was just hit with a storm, and he is there opening a new business as a partner with some other guys. The reason we moved to Florida was so he didn't have to travel for work so much! I'm furious! He's always chasing some dream, chasing money- it's almost like how some people are addicted to the excitement of "new love", he is addicted to the newsness of a new business venture. Our son needs him home with us. I need him at home with us. He never sees his football games, spends quality time with him, nothing. I can't remeber the last gift, card, date, that we've had. Including holidays. It's always a money-issue. Yet he has money weeks before to do what he wanted or needed! He does "tell" me he loves me about a billion times a day. Talk is cheap. He doesn't phyiscally or mentally abuse me, although he is a "yeller" when life is stressful- which is always. Of course, our son has to hear it, which isn't good. He is missing out on so much. Our son has hyperactivity and is very hard to parent by myself. I have health problems and pain associated with them. It's not fair. This is no marriage. Over the years, I asked him to go to counseling but he refuses. I think because he knows he is wrong and doesn't want someone else telling him that. (I'm past wanting to go to counseling at this pount.) I work from home as his assistant. He keeps me pretty busy with computer and paperwork related to what he does, so I make no income of my own. I do have the skills to do so though. What should I do? We still owe IRS debt that couldn't be erased in the bankruptcy, I can't trust his word, as he said he wouldn't fish unless we had savings and the bills pre-paid (and fished since the bankruptcy anyway) In fact, when he fished, he was not even meeting the family's basic needs. He'd be off fishing and I'd be getting utility shut off notices at home, needing a new washer, dryer, and living room furniture, along with needing clothing for all of us. I can't trust his word that when we moved to Florida he wouldn't travel forwork anymore. His priorities are way out of whack. Our goals in life are different. Our priorities are different. His "goal" is to move to some desolate town in the south and be a fishing guide. Not me! I do love him. What should I do? I can't take the stress anymore. I am a Christian and don't want to break up the family, but sometimes divorce might be in order, even in Christians. Sorry this is so long. Thanks. Someone please respond. As many of you as possible. So I can get many perspectives and answers. PLEASE!!!!! What happened to his promise??? Particularly this one: "he promised to never fish another tournament unless we had 6 months of our bills pre-paid and some money in savings."
From the sound of it, he ISN'T the only who hasn't learned anything from the bankruptcy.
What you have on your hands is someone who has NO INTENTION of being financially responsible.
And I would NOT say his priorities are way out of whack -- they are just WAY different than YOURS. Everyone has dreams and anyone who gets to live those dreams and make great money doing it -- is VERY LUCKY.
My dream job would be gardening ALL the time. However, let's GET REAL HERE -- I can not feed my children, put clothes on their backs, or a roof over our head doing that. So gardening is my hobby, I MAKE time for it and when I do, I SAVOR every minute. It feeds my spirit.
You mention alot about hubby's dreams, but I haven't read ONE sentence about yours. What are YOUR dreams? What feeds YOUR spirit? Have you set THAT aside? IF you have, you are making a terrible mistake.
Aside from that, the real question you need to answer is... Can you accept this man AS HE IS???
He is NOT going to change. He has likely promised you the moon and he is NOT going to deliver. Let's just face some facts here, okay? His intentions may be good but the follow through is awful because he has NO impulse control. He is going to do what he wants and he's going to talk you into it. Stop letting him GET AWAY with the latter part because THAT part you DO have control over.
You can't change HIM. But you CAN change you.
Sometimes life is NOT fair -- but you have allowed this situation to continue for HOW long? You allowed him to renig on HIS promise? So WHO is really at fault? Perhaps BOTH of you have contributed to the problems in your marriage??
There comes a time when you have to stand your ground. You either need to hold this man ACCOUNTABLE for his promises and stop feeding HIS impulses or say NO MORE.
As far as what you should do, since you asked for opinions...
I definitely think you should get a job of your own so money stops becoming such an issue for YOU. I would definitely NOT subsidize ANY of his activities until he can show you that his words can be trusted which is doubtful, at best, right? If he wants to pay for those activities on his own AFTER the bills are paid, fine, I'd say go for any dream you want, but the bills MUST be paid first and he is liable for 1/2. Those would be the conditions underwhich I would continue to live with him.
If he can handle the new conditions, I suggest you work at accepting this man AS HE IS. Allow him time for his dreams because living with an unhappy partner is misery for everyone.
Oh, I would not move ANYWHERE ANYMORE. Your child needs stability -- THAT is more important and I think you already know that. And, honestly, I think you need stability too. For many women, happiness comes from the home and I think you have been a gypsy for way too long.
Because there is no abuse (yelling is verbal abuse though), I would try EVERYTHING in my heart to repair the relationship before leaving. Turn over every stone, rock and pebble. Get counseling alone if need be. If you have tried it ALL, then you will have a sense of peace about ending this one.
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