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Topic : Too Much Discipline?

Number of Replies: 73
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Created on : Friday, September 15, 2006, 04:06:31 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Do you and your spouse, partner or ex argue over how much discipline is acceptable? Where do you draw the line? Does your child complain about you being over protective? Share your stories and give and get advice from other parents here.

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July 6, 2007, 6:49 am CDT

no cake on your birthday

New  here but  wanted some  advice on  discipline....  is it okay to not let your child have cake on their birthday as a punishment... we were at a family members house for a family birthday party and when it came time for cake the child got to blow out their candles but didn't get cake because of something that they did earlier in the day - plus the grandfather made a cake becuase the child  made a special request.
 
July 6, 2007, 9:22 am CDT

Too Much Discipline?

Quote From: concernant

New  here but  wanted some  advice on  discipline....  is it okay to not let your child have cake on their birthday as a punishment... we were at a family members house for a family birthday party and when it came time for cake the child got to blow out their candles but didn't get cake because of something that they did earlier in the day - plus the grandfather made a cake becuase the child  made a special request.

i think it depends on what the chid did earlier that day, and if you warned them. if they did something that in your family is very 'bad' and you warned your child, that if she did it she wouldn't get cake, then i think it is ok. but if it is something where she would normally have to stand in the corner for for five minutes, and all of the sudden, the punishment changes in no cake without a warning then i think it is not ok. if the grandfather made the cake on special request, he might have found it nice to see the kid enjoy it, and now you might have punished the grandfather too, even though you didn't mean too. so i think that it might have been wiser to have chosen another punishment, lilke not being allowed to play with the birthdaygifts for a week.

if you aren't totally satisfied with this answer, you could give me some more information, and i could give my opinion about that.

i hoped i helped you.

annemiek

 
August 23, 2007, 1:10 am CDT

Too Much Discipline?

Quote From: caholloway

My son has been getting into trouble at school over last few months.  First he is a bully and likes it. He told a teacher in school....he likes to be a bully because it gives him power and makes him feel big.  He calls other kids names...even right in the middle of class.  He has pushed a kid down and took a ball on the playground.  Kid sustained bruises.  He has picked on another little boy over a girl he liked but she did not like him.  They are in the third grade mind you.  Last Friday, I received a phone call from a neighbor down the street,  how my son was doing weed with an older boy who lives next door to us.  My understanding was my 7 y.o. son and friend walked into the area and found them smoking weed.  The boys went and told an adult and thats how I got a call.  The older boy is about 16 or 17 y.o. and understood has a wrap sheet already.  Our houses are very close and no restaining order will fit due to how close.  My husband (Step-dad) went to our other neighbor who is a state police officer for advise (off duty of course).  He started investigating and found my 10 y.o. high and then to his friends house across the street.  14 y.o. boy also high.  My 7 y.o. was found clean.  Officer also investigated his daughter who is 13 y.o. and spends alot of time playing with all the kids too.  She was found clean.  Now since the whole street knows....we feel pegged now. We work very important jobs in the community as EMS.  My son doesn't seem to care.  We have taken everything away......anything that runs on electric or batteries, except his alarm clock to get up for school and the light in his ceiling fan to see. He is not allowed outside or with the other kids.  He has been writing sentences since.  Or should I say paragraph.  It doesn't bother him.  I have even made him dig my 6x12 garden area by hand as punishment.  No sweat!  The killer of this whole thing is....he advises he tried it once and didn't like it but pressured his 7 y.o. brother to get his money to buy a $10.00 bag of weed.  The 7 y.o. did not obtain that money.  I have looked into military schools even just for the summer 3 to 6 weeks.  But you have to be rich to do that.  $3000 and up.  I understand he is just starting in the drugs scene....I don't think there is an addiction yet...but how do I stop this now.  What do I do to change this situation.  We have vacations planned for this summer...camping a week in Virginia, flying to Florida for 10 days, Six Flags and a few weekenders.  What do I do then...I don't think he deserves it and I really don't want a druggie going. NOW WHAT TO DO??? 

 

As an update to the above...We went to counseling yesterday.  The lady was really nice and my son liked her.  He did really well at answering her questions.  I was very surprised.  Anyway,  during the interview process...my son admitted to thoughts of suicide thoughts.  The lady questioned how....with a butcher knife...stabbed in his head.  She replied....boy that is really going to hurt.  He smiled.  Anyway,  the lady advised me..I have punished my child way too much.  She believes children should have behavior modification.........whatever.  My child has been punished without being hit.  I have been so angry...I think I could really hurt him.  He has nothing that runs on electric or batteries, except his alarm clock and ceiling fan light.  He has to write a paragraph I wrote for him 500 times.  The paragraph states his behavior and bad choices and what will happen later if he doesn't change and last it includes how he is learning from this punishment.  He has wrote it 68 times already and can tell you word for word.  He even agrees with it.  He has also dug my garden 6x12 by hand.  No contact with friends or outside.  My child has not been hit and we usually don't.  He's only been slapped a few times in his life...because he was in reach.  I will not chase him.  The counselor thinks I should cut his punishment in half.  DO YOU THINK I AM TOO STRICK?  DO YOU FEEL I SHOULD CUT HIS PUNISHMENT IN HALF?  IF I WAS TO CHANGE IS PUNISHMENT...WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST?

 

 

 

 First off, I am 19 so I'm nine years wiser than your son. I've learned a lot in those nine years. Experimentation with the neighbor's kid is very normal. Actually by all accounts he is pretty normal for a ten year old. He's also a person not your possession. Have you tried talking to him face to face. He's troubled, he needs your guidance. I don't think punishing is what he needs.

 

 I don't say this to undermine your authority. I say this because I faced similar issues. I experimented with weed. I was a plant smoker for 5 years. I thought I was cool, so does he probably. He's not a druggie and he deserves to go one vacation with you, his mother, whom he loves very much. It will get him away from all of the bad things and give you guys time to bond with him.

 
August 23, 2007, 1:17 am CDT

Too Much Discipline?

Quote From: janefrances

How do you discipline a teen to prevent them from abusing alchohol?? Am I overreacting and do teens need to 'experiment' ? my 13 yr daughter has shown an increasing interest in alchohol (we were just on hloiday and she kept asking for drinks and managed to get some older boys to buy her some) Just found out she and her friends are arranging to take alchohol to parties. and talking as if this a regular thing - "where are you getting yours from?" I found this out by see an MSN message on her phone so I shouldnt have been prying?? How can I talk to her without her shutting down on me for not trusting her. She has always been a sensible girl. They are going to a party tomorrow where they are arranging to do this- should I just turn up and catch them, should I make sure she comes back after the party and smelll her breath, I have tried talking and she just gets abusive. My husband and I have given her a lot of freedom allowing her to stay at friends at the weekend and we always feel she comes back with an attitude - should we reduce this freedom?? How do you draw the boundaries without creating a teenager determined to break them, and retain their love and respect. I truly fear for my daughter and despair at her motives for needing alchohol - she is a bright and beautiful girl. Am I being over reactive and is this just something that will pass....?? Is the only way to remove peer pressure to remove the peers.

 This I can identify with. Only I was the teenager on the other side once. =)

 

 You are a wonderful mother, much like my own. I experimented with alcohol with my parents. When they felt I was trustworthy enough to go have a few with my friends without being in danger I was unleashed. I was the same age as your daughter. And like your daughter surely will I discovered that puking sucks.

 
September 17, 2007, 9:07 am CDT

I am going through this with ny daughter

Quote From: lostcimmerian

 This I can identify with. Only I was the teenager on the other side once. =)

 

 You are a wonderful mother, much like my own. I experimented with alcohol with my parents. When they felt I was trustworthy enough to go have a few with my friends without being in danger I was unleashed. I was the same age as your daughter. And like your daughter surely will I discovered that puking sucks.

I went threw the same think with my 16 teen year old daughter  not to long ago.

And we do the same thing, she has alot of freedome and sleeps out on the weekends , and he attitude started to SUCK. So what I found was we started giving her limits she was not aloud to sleep out both nights, she could have friends sleep over here one night and out the other.

I also took her txt off her phone, and gave her a choice either she starts to wise up and remember we are the parents or she will loose something every week and her curfew would get shotened by 15 min everytime she was out of line.

And yes it was hard there was alot of slamming doors and tears but after a few weeks she got better and better . I feel we where giving to many choices to make on her own as a teen and that was adding alot to her attitude and behavior.

Try little things at first it will be hard but hold your ground and you will see a difference in a few short weeks

I fee for you

Good luch

 
September 21, 2007, 12:07 am CDT

What about yelling?

  During an average school day, teachers face many challenges.
Is it ok for a teacher to yell at the students? Is yelling a form of discipline?
What if the teacher makes the students cry by yelling so much?
What if the child no longer wants to attend school because of  "too much yelling"?
What can be done to hold the techer accountable? 
I tried bringing my concerns to the principal but I am treated like I am a rabblerouser rather than the  concerned parent I am. 
I attended public schools and never heard a teacher yell or otherwise mistreat a student.
This is really frustrating my child.  Frustrating me too for that matter because he acts out when he gets home from school.
 
September 21, 2007, 12:35 am CDT

caholloway

Quote From: lostcimmerian

 First off, I am 19 so I'm nine years wiser than your son. I've learned a lot in those nine years. Experimentation with the neighbor's kid is very normal. Actually by all accounts he is pretty normal for a ten year old. He's also a person not your possession. Have you tried talking to him face to face. He's troubled, he needs your guidance. I don't think punishing is what he needs.

 

 I don't say this to undermine your authority. I say this because I faced similar issues. I experimented with weed. I was a plant smoker for 5 years. I thought I was cool, so does he probably. He's not a druggie and he deserves to go one vacation with you, his mother, whom he loves very much. It will get him away from all of the bad things and give you guys time to bond with him.

 Haven't quite got the hang of the message board reply
marijuana can help with depression symptoms but one should seeks help for the depression rather than looking for an outlet.
The human body actually has THC receptors and something can be said for "alternative medicine."
A lot of it has to do with the environment, my guess is that you live in the inner city, LA perhaps?  A lot of it has to do with how the children are being treated at school.  Frustration has to come out inone way or another.
Ususally bullies have been bulllied themselves.
 Sounds like your son is 'normal" maybe normal does not mean that they are who we would like them to be, but if he does not feel good at home he will leave, so it is better to provide an atmosphere where a child can feel safe, where they feel they belong.  I suggest what I do with my children: I do not let them outside just to hang out; we go outside and get constructive exercise but I supervise them:
 it is not like it used to be where the neighborhood kids get together and play hide& seek or kick the can.
children need constructive activities with proper role models.  Perhaps there are programs in your community where he can get involved with something in a positive way. 

Also, seeing different things in life from Beverly Hills to skidrow downtown La has been a real eye opener for my children.  Experience is the best teacher so when you have a chance to get him in a different environment to see a different scenery  it could help.  There is a big world out there.

Also, about the depression, I believe that people with depression (as I have suffered with it most of my life) need to be "positively charged" meaning they need more good things more happy times to push out the "negative charges", the sadness, the hurt feelings.  Taking him to Six Flags might help.  If you go without him, I promise you it will not help, it will hurt his feelings and make him angry.  Try talking from the heart and take it one day at a time, if he gives you a difficult time maybe take away a priviledge, but handle it one day at a time, let him wake up each day fresh, with a new start a clean slate I mean it does not sound like he has done anything that bad.  Maybe he just needs some down time, to just feel like a kid and partake in activities he enjoys.  Amazing to me, here in LA we have the beach and many people do not enjoy this (free) recreational activity allowing time to get in tune with nature.  Also, working with horses does amazing things for troubled youth.  Best wishes.  Oh, try some positive messages, focus on what he does right.  Praise him and encourage him at a time when you are not angered by his behavior. 
 
September 21, 2007, 12:47 am CDT

no cake on your birthday

Quote From: concernant

New  here but  wanted some  advice on  discipline....  is it okay to not let your child have cake on their birthday as a punishment... we were at a family members house for a family birthday party and when it came time for cake the child got to blow out their candles but didn't get cake because of something that they did earlier in the day - plus the grandfather made a cake becuase the child  made a special request.
 No cake on  birthday  Is that he only thing you could have taken away?  I mean punishment is not supposed to hurt the childs feelings.
Punishment, discipline, is supposed to teach the child there are consequences for their actions; making the child reflect on his/her behavior so that they intrinsically want to do better.  From my experience, my parents, although I am sure now they were well intended, unknowingly did a lot to anger me in the name of discipline and it just pushed me away and under minded their authority.  I just learned to not get introuble so that I could do what I wanted when I was elsewhere.  That is not good especially in this day and age with all of these predators leerking for misguided  or unprotected children.
 
September 21, 2007, 12:59 am CDT

How to discipline/prevent alcohol abuse

Quote From: lostcimmerian

 This I can identify with. Only I was the teenager on the other side once. =)

 

 You are a wonderful mother, much like my own. I experimented with alcohol with my parents. When they felt I was trustworthy enough to go have a few with my friends without being in danger I was unleashed. I was the same age as your daughter. And like your daughter surely will I discovered that puking sucks.

 I suggest that the prevention starts when they are young.  Children should know the dangers of alcohol and drug abuse before they are presented with the opportunity.  this way they are "armed " to make good / healthy choices.  Unfortunatley, a lot of alcohol experimenting does not stop at puking but ends in tragic accidents.  Experimenting with alcohol with parents, well that is not good.  unless the child is 21.  Parents need to set a proper example.  Don't be surprised if your children do what they see you do, and at the same time, if you have been a conscious parent, then trust your work.  Visiting a hospital or viewing a car wreck may be a good deterant; education and awareness about alcohol poisoning, drunk driving, date rape, std's , unwanted pregnancy, may help a teenager make good choices and resist peer pressure.
 
October 29, 2007, 6:41 pm CDT

What should I do?

My stepson(10) seems to resent me every time Itell him to do something, or punish him. he feels I'm mean to him and I'm always yelling at him. Even though I'm telling him to do normal things that kids should be doing at home. Doing chores, homework, and taking baths. But he feels I'm taking his playtime away from him. And sometimes  it's worse when my wife and I  argue about me punishing him. She tells me to let it go. Even though he talks back to me ,as if I'm the child and He's the adult. Lucky i'm very patient with children, who's to say he talks back to someone w/out it, I'm afraid he'll end up dead or very injured. He has ADHD and I feel he's playing it between his mom and I, because he feels he can get away with it. Because mom will help him . And that's when argue alot. What  should I do? Don't get me wrong Ilove this boy like he's my own but do deserve to be treated like this. He don't act this way with our family members, friends. Only with us, because he feel he can get away with it.
 
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