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Topic : Too Much Discipline?

Number of Replies: 73
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, September 15, 2006, 04:06:31 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Do you and your spouse, partner or ex argue over how much discipline is acceptable? Where do you draw the line? Does your child complain about you being over protective? Share your stories and give and get advice from other parents here.

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November 28, 2006, 11:21 pm CST

Too Much Discipline?

My daughter in law does not discipline, in my opinion.  I think that when a child hurts another child, adult, animal, that child needs to be punished.  Her daughter is wayyyyyyyyyy out of hand.  She has broken up every single thing that she ever gets, including furniture, toys, I could go on & on.....   Now, the problem is:::::::::::   Ok, the mother is all into this "talking" to their level of the children.  Do you understand sweetheart?  did you mean to do that sweetie?  you didn't do that on purpose did you?  oh that goes on & on.....  Well, the grandma of this child is a child psychiatrist, which shows the same behavior...ha ha ha!   I have dealt with this woman of throwing fits, screeching off in her car, stomping off, etc......  Now we are talking about a psychiatrist! 

But, her grandchildren (one of them is my grandson (2yrs. old).  He is starting to show signs of his 1/2 sisters' behavior, by throwing things, hitting mom, sister, screaming, banging on stuff, etc.

Over a week ago, I guess things got so bad over at the grandparents' home (where the 2 kids & mom are living too), that the 10 yr. old girl was hitting, kicking, throwing things, biting, pushing, etc. that it was totally uncontrollable by 3 grown adults.  They had to call the police.  The police say that this child needs help with her bipolar illness (she takes meds. for this), and needs therapy (which she gets from grandma & then they also fly her to L.A. for a specialist too). 

I am more concerned for my own grandson getting hurt or turning out just like that child.  Also, what do i say to not have that 10 year old girl here, when i only want my 2 year old grandson here safe?  any ideas?

 
December 19, 2006, 4:06 pm CST

spanked her eleven year old son,

Quote From: retabhva

 My daughter spanked her eleven year old son while I was visiting with the family last evening.   My grandson and granddaughter were horsing around.  My daughter said she had enough and spanked my eleven year old grandson really hard on the butt.  My husband, my Mom and Dad and I  were all at the house while this happened.  What about spanking an eleven year old and in front of others?

There is no logic to spanking, if you think about it, you are telling a child  not to hit another child by hitting them, they must be thinking "well if mammy/daddy can do it, why cant I" now if you can tell me where the logic is in that than go ahead and spank your child.

 

kids are kids and they should let be kids, they learn from there mistakes, if you think for a minute, how much have you learnt from your mistakes???? I can bet you have learnt more from your mistakes than you have from been right all the time.

 
December 27, 2006, 9:45 pm CST

Too Much Dicipline for a 19 year old

I'm 19 and I'm living at home with my mom and younger brother. I go to school full time, I involved in a dance company, and I work. I respect what my mom wants but she disciplines me and treats me like I'm still under 18. I don't party, I don't go out all night, and I don't even talk back all the time. She threatens me and says she'll take things away and she corrects me in public. I even have to ask if I may go anywhere still. Its awful but there is nothing I can do because I can't move out. How can I approach my mother about changing how she treats me? I'm 19 but I'm treated like I'm 12.
 
December 27, 2006, 10:05 pm CST

Too Much Discipline?

Quote From: nodoubt_zerep

I'm 19 and I'm living at home with my mom and younger brother. I go to school full time, I involved in a dance company, and I work. I respect what my mom wants but she disciplines me and treats me like I'm still under 18. I don't party, I don't go out all night, and I don't even talk back all the time. She threatens me and says she'll take things away and she corrects me in public. I even have to ask if I may go anywhere still. Its awful but there is nothing I can do because I can't move out. How can I approach my mother about changing how she treats me? I'm 19 but I'm treated like I'm 12.
Well, some parents have a very hard time letting go of being that kind of a parent. It's sometimes hard to make that transition.

Sit down and talk to her about this, like an adult. Don't cry or get mad or anything like that. Tell her you are trying your best to go from kid to adult and you need her help and guidance in doing so.
 
February 7, 2007, 12:42 pm CST

Too Much Discipline?

I honestly wish sometimes i wasn't pakistani so i wouldn't  have to worry about what society will say if  i took my mom on Dr. Phil. I've been secretely crying myself to sleep almost everynight for the last 15 years. Everyday from what i can remember i've been mentally tortured by my mother, even though the physical abuse was bad when we were younger, im 21 and she occassionally will throw things at me and being me i usually laugh it off and it ends. But lately i quit my job to study for the MCATS, my grades suck but i have that hope that i will get in somewhere so im fighting real hard to make sure i don't become her or anything similar to her.  Coming from family whose every move is watched is really hard and its not like we did anything wrong but we have the 2nd largest family in our community including all my aunts and uncles. But anyways, so i quit my job of 4 years to continue studying and everynight or even day she'll come into my room and with pure and utter jealousy stare at me like shes going to kill me and tell me over and over and over and over again how much of a burden i am and that as soon as my dad dies she will marry me off to someone and she doesn't care who it is, imagine all that plus side comments about what a 'stupid bitch' i am and how i will never prosper in my marriage and what not...every single day....i hate my mom and i hate her more than i have hated any one person in my life and i don 't care what anyone says.

I honestly thinks shes jealous of the fact that im stubborn enough to be making sure i get my education and i don't give a rats ass about what she thinks about it. Thanks to my brother whose notorious behavior has overshadowed my existence and needs, i have spent all of highschool and college so far failing and trying to get up and moving.....and i continue...but honestly i've thought about suicide so vividly and have attempted it atleast 2 times...obviously unssuccessul.....my mother wanted to become a nurse and she met the 'love' of her life and married him and defferred admission to a nursing school...is that my fault? I make sure my only priority in life is my career, so much so that i haven't had a serious relationship with anyone ever.....and i think shes jealous...i honestly think that....and i believe it......

I curse myself for being born in this house because i've never had a truly happy moment when im around my family.......

If its possible it would be nice if a similar story to mine would be aired because my mother does watch this show, so maybe just maybe...she'll change.....even for a day.....

SL


 
February 7, 2007, 4:50 pm CST

13yr olds and alchohol

How do you discipline a teen to prevent them from abusing alchohol?? Am I overreacting and do teens need to 'experiment' ? my 13 yr daughter has shown an increasing interest in alchohol (we were just on hloiday and she kept asking for drinks and managed to get some older boys to buy her some) Just found out she and her friends are arranging to take alchohol to parties. and talking as if this a regular thing - "where are you getting yours from?" I found this out by see an MSN message on her phone so I shouldnt have been prying?? How can I talk to her without her shutting down on me for not trusting her. She has always been a sensible girl. They are going to a party tomorrow where they are arranging to do this- should I just turn up and catch them, should I make sure she comes back after the party and smelll her breath, I have tried talking and she just gets abusive. My husband and I have given her a lot of freedom allowing her to stay at friends at the weekend and we always feel she comes back with an attitude - should we reduce this freedom?? How do you draw the boundaries without creating a teenager determined to break them, and retain their love and respect. I truly fear for my daughter and despair at her motives for needing alchohol - she is a bright and beautiful girl. Am I being over reactive and is this just something that will pass....?? Is the only way to remove peer pressure to remove the peers.
 
March 13, 2007, 12:07 pm CDT

when to tell someone they should

my sister in law who has kids doesn't discipline her kids at all. Her oldest who is 4 is out of control. Instead of disciplining her like she should have she lied to her Dr and told the Dr that her daughter had ADHD. All she wanted was drugs for her daughter so she could be lazy and not have to to a thing. The Dr gave her Adderall and that made my niece psycho to the point to she clawed the crap out of her younger sisters face. Now my niece is in a mental hospital all because my sister in-law couldn't handle her kid. I know my mother in law has told her that there is nothing wrong with my niece, and a child psychologist said nothing is wrong with her. And my niece was the one who paid the price for my sister in law laziness.

 

 

 
April 5, 2007, 12:19 pm CDT

Teens and drinking.

Quote From: janefrances

How do you discipline a teen to prevent them from abusing alchohol?? Am I overreacting and do teens need to 'experiment' ? my 13 yr daughter has shown an increasing interest in alchohol (we were just on hloiday and she kept asking for drinks and managed to get some older boys to buy her some) Just found out she and her friends are arranging to take alchohol to parties. and talking as if this a regular thing - "where are you getting yours from?" I found this out by see an MSN message on her phone so I shouldnt have been prying?? How can I talk to her without her shutting down on me for not trusting her. She has always been a sensible girl. They are going to a party tomorrow where they are arranging to do this- should I just turn up and catch them, should I make sure she comes back after the party and smelll her breath, I have tried talking and she just gets abusive. My husband and I have given her a lot of freedom allowing her to stay at friends at the weekend and we always feel she comes back with an attitude - should we reduce this freedom?? How do you draw the boundaries without creating a teenager determined to break them, and retain their love and respect. I truly fear for my daughter and despair at her motives for needing alchohol - she is a bright and beautiful girl. Am I being over reactive and is this just something that will pass....?? Is the only way to remove peer pressure to remove the peers.

No teens do not need to "experiment". Yes they of course will try and do it behind your back cause there teens and they think its cool. Do not assume this will pass, and of course she will get angry cause you are going to stop her fun. But don't let that stop you from protecting your daughter from herself. If she does it behind your back without ever knowing then there is nothing you can do about that. But you did find out and you do know. I wouldn't let her go to that party she is only 13 and if she gets mad at you for looking through her phone tough you pay the bills you pay her way her life is owned by you. I know thats kind of a strict out look on this. But really it will cut her down on doing things like this. And teens always try and break the rules, if grounding doesn't work then take away items like the cell phone, and inform her if she doesn't straighten up with this drinking she may have to wait until she is 18 before she can drive. And don't make idel threats keep to your word. Take away her phone if this continues, or her TV or her computer. Dont be afraid cause the end result you want is a healthy 18 year old that is responsible.

 

I tried to do alot of that growing up. And I did start drinking at a young, the fact that I had to try and do it behind my parents back made it more unlikly I was going to do it. My parents did let me make the choice when I was 17 cause they felt at that age I should know better and I was less then a year away from being 18. My parents would of grounded me at 13 if they found a text message about a party with alcohol.

 

Good Luck

 

 
April 18, 2007, 8:48 am CDT

Teenage son and step-father battle

My son and husband (his step-father of 13yrs) cannot get along.

My husband is a control freak and my son can't look sideways without some sort of reaction from his step-dad which often includes name calling.

On a family vacation last month my husband got very drunk and tried to fight my son who is 16.  Security was called to our room and my son and I were placed in a "secret" room to get us away from my husband.

The result of all this is that my son has moved out of the house and into his friends place.  He refuses to come home, or speak with his step-dad and wants me to leave and get us a place of our own.

Part of me agrees that this would be wise but part of me still loves my husband.

Any suggestions?  My husband swears he is sorry and has quit drinking because of this.  My sons refuses to believe in him and said that this was the final straw.  My husband has never hit either one of us but has always been controlling and has a hostile temper.  I do believe he is remorseful but I also don't put 100% faith in him.  He has "goofed" up before and made promises but it always happens again.  I think deep down he is jealous of my son and our relationship.

Anyway, please give me your thoughts!

 
April 18, 2007, 3:13 pm CDT

My Good Daughter

Once upon a time, when my NOW LOVELY DAUGHTER was a mere 15 years old, I was in deep, deep trouble.  I was a single mother working one full-time job and one part-time job.  I was never a really strong discipline person and when she hit a certain age all bets were off!  She wouldn't listen!  She would stay out all night long!  She would steal money from me.  She would run up long distance telephone bills.  We would get into knock down full blown fights, throwing items, pushing each other, grabbing each others arms and hair... really anything we could grab was fair game! 

 

Look.... parents.... your children know their rights!  They have them down to a tee!  You need to know your rights because know it or not... feeling like you've lost everything.... YOU DO HAVE RIGHTS and there are really good ways to pull a straying child back into the proper family format. 

 

I looked into TOUGH LOVE.  I don't even know if that exists any longer but it truly worked for my daughter and I.  I found out what my rights were and what I actually had to provide to that child within the law.  If she came in late the doors were all locked tightly and an envelope was taped to the front door with money in it to make a telephone call to someone within the TOUGH LOVE group to pick her up and keep her safe.  I also learned that if she was out past a certain time (every state, county, borough has their own time for kids of a certain age to be home) and was not home I could call my local police and report her as a runaway.  WHY DO THAT?  Because if your child commits a crime and you did not have them reported as a runaway YOU ARE LIABLE for their fines and damages. 

 

You must provide your children with water and bread.  You don't have to give them Jello, cheese cake, steak, baked potato, or anything other than the absolute lowest of what is required.  Child needs water!  Child needs substance (bread)!  I know it sounds absolutely cruel... but believe me...  it worked!  Put locks on the cabinets.  My daughter was feeding the entire 10th grade with my food while I was at work.  I locked the cabinets because she wouldn't listen to me and stop that behavior.  I was in no way harming her by doing this.  Just setting boundaries. 

 

Just one more.... You must provide your child a safe place to sleep.  But.... that doesn't mean you have to make it comfortable.  I removed my daughters bedroom door.  I removed her bedroom furniture (including the matress & box spring).  I gave her a pillow, two sheets, and one blanket. 

 

There are many other ideas that Tough Love gave to me and I just don't have the room to tell all of them.  Bottom line is this!  This worked for my daughter and I.  The fighting stopped because I changed the way I approached the situation..... WHY... because I was given alternative methods that did not hurt my daughter.  It didn't happen over night but week by week, month by month she regained her bedroom furniture, bedroom door, I stopped taking the telephone with me in the trunk of my car, I removed the locks on the cupboard doors..... and each thing that she gained was because she had earned it. 

 

Just a few of my thoughts on the troubled kids.  When you have a child they don't come with user manuals.  It's hard being a parent.  It's really hard being a single parent.  It's almost impossible when a man or woman comes into your life that means something to you... and your kids hate them.  I was very lucky to find a very good man who loved me and my daughter.  My daughter was nasty to him and tried her best to push him out of our lives.  He stood strong and I stood even stronger by his side. 

 

My daugher is now 35 years old.  Works as an international money transfer at a major bank.  She has bought her own Lexus and she is a total joy to be around.  Age had something to do with all of the above but most importantly I found my sanity by using some of the proven methods of the TOUGH LOVE group. 

 

Hope this helps someone. 

 

Vicki

 

 

 
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