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Topic : Too Much Discipline?

Number of Replies: 73
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, September 15, 2006, 04:06:31 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Do you and your spouse, partner or ex argue over how much discipline is acceptable? Where do you draw the line? Does your child complain about you being over protective? Share your stories and give and get advice from other parents here.

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November 19, 2007, 1:56 am CST

co-parenting with overindulgent ex

I don't know what to do... some days our son is well behaved both home and school.  Other days, it's like something, unknown just switches inside him and he is very difficult to have do even simple everyday chores or activities.  Weekends have increasingly become hard as well.  It's much more than a basic challenge of authority.  It's like a war-zone at times, where our 6 y.o. will win.  I used to spank him, as a last resort, but only do that if he is using some sort of physical altercation or hitting someone.  Time-outs for 6 min. are the primary form of discipline.

 

Our son is also very misbehaved at school, distracted, not-paying attention, openly defiant to the teachers instructions as well. 

 

I have talked to my son about "who is in charge" at mom's house, school, and dad's house, and he nods his head like he "understands", yet says to me "I'm mostly in charge at my dads though.  I say do this, and that and we do.  Only sometimes different." 

 

I feel I have to overcompensate discipline-wise at times because of the lack of discipline/consequences and the over-indulgence he receives at his fathers place, which I believe makes things even worse.   I wish that the ex were of such a type who would co-parent and could sit down and reason things out with, but he is more the type to subvert, play political custody and emotional games, and manipulate the situation for his own gain and control.  He deliberately sabotages and manipulates things, without true care for his son, while appearing in public to be the "good, involved parent". 

 

We now have a meeting coming up where the teacher would like our son professionally evaluated because of his behavior socially in school.  He has received more pink slips than any other kid they know, including the older children.   Any advice would be helpful. 

 
November 19, 2007, 2:01 am CST

Too Much Discipline?

woops, to add... teacher and i have tried positive reinforcement and rewards, as well as behavior charts, etc.  He seems unfazed by any of these things.  I have taken away toys and things as I know he had so much "stuff" it didn't faze him in the least when he had a consequence that involved taking away a privelege or special toy.  He said "oh well, I've got others"  His teacher is also concerned by his apparent lack of care to consequences, rewards, or other kids pain if he hurts them or insults them. 
 
November 23, 2007, 2:02 pm CST

What worked for me :)

Hey, 

   

  I’m a seventeen year old girl, and I would have to say my mom didn’t punish me all that much. She sat me down; we talked about what I did wrong.  

One thing that worked for me was she let me talk, she didn’t interrupt me she just let me say what I want to say then talked to me and showed me the points that I made that were wrong. When my mom would yell at me that would do nothing for me and I would just want to do the wrong stuff even more. Talking with them, not at them is the best thing.  

  

 Also if you have a boy, when your boy does something wrong take him for a drive and talk to them. Boys don’t like to talk to a person face to face so if you go for a drive you’re both look forward and he won’t feel so cornered.  

 
 
January 5, 2008, 9:56 pm CST

No its not OK!

Quote From: kriscort

  During an average school day, teachers face many challenges.
Is it ok for a teacher to yell at the students? Is yelling a form of discipline?
What if the teacher makes the students cry by yelling so much?
What if the child no longer wants to attend school because of  "too much yelling"?
What can be done to hold the techer accountable? 
I tried bringing my concerns to the principal but I am treated like I am a rabblerouser rather than the  concerned parent I am. 
I attended public schools and never heard a teacher yell or otherwise mistreat a student.
This is really frustrating my child.  Frustrating me too for that matter because he acts out when he gets home from school.

It is never OK for a teacher to yell at a student.  Not only does it damage the student but how the heck do you think you child is going to learn in there class.  My son was in a class environment where the teacher did a lot of yelling and I noticed some serious signs that made me check and It was bad really bad.  I didn't give the Principal a chance to give me an option.  I told him to change my sons class and do right now or I was going to make a real big stink.  My son was in a different class the next day. 

 

Thank you God!  My son felt the relief right away.  He still has issues to this day with liking school.  If school is positive than the child is going to be positive about school.  I don't think it takes a genius to figure that one out. The more a Mom is involved with there child's education the quicker you will be able to see the signs and prevent you child from the bad things that can happen.  Don't leave education up to the public schools your child will never be ready for college.  You are there most important teacher.   If you tell your child that school is fun they will laugh in your face (but in there room of course).  Make learning fun for them, teach them to learn in exciting ways. Don't leave it up to public school.

 
February 7, 2008, 1:43 pm CST

adhd

Quote From: danesmom

Hi Thank you for your response.

 

My son has only been diagnosed by one psychiatrist for ADHD and although I agree with him that my son is ADHD, I have scheduled a 3 hour ADHD testing so I can be sure.  He is not on any medication yet...it is such a huge decision on a parents part to put children on a daily dose of any medication...especially one that works on the neurotransmitters in the brain as does Strattera.

 

Thank you again for your thoughts

hi im a 15 year old girl with adhd, i have been on 2 different medications since i was 8. although medication may not seem like a way to treat adhd it actually helps immensely knowing how it feels to not be able to focus on things or being very hyper so much that other kids push you away the medicine helped me keep my mind under control. when ever i wasnt taking medicine back in 1st grade i was sorta an outcast i wasnt liked because i was very wild. i was sent to the office practically every day.i am glad my parents chose medication. i can be myself yet be under control also.
 
June 19, 2008, 11:22 pm CDT

Too Much Discipline?

I would have to say my parents are pretty strict, heres why:

1. I have never been to a sleep over because i am not allowed, 16 by the way lol.

2. I can not date till i am in college or graduate from college.

3. I am expected to make dinner by the time mom's home, and have the house clean lol.

4. I'm a teen with no txting.

5. Never ever in someone else's house, even if it is a friend.

So yeah, there is a point where it goes too far lol.

 
July 1, 2008, 8:33 pm CDT

Good question.

 I think sometimes as parents we error on the side of too much discipline. I know I lean that way and sometimes it's hard to find the right balance. Usually when my husband and I have over done it as far as discipline goes we catch it soon after and try and correct our mistakes, nobody's perfect.
 
July 14, 2008, 12:50 pm CDT

Too Much Discipline?

Quote From: emocutie4life

I would have to say my parents are pretty strict, heres why:

1. I have never been to a sleep over because i am not allowed, 16 by the way lol.

2. I can not date till i am in college or graduate from college.

3. I am expected to make dinner by the time mom's home, and have the house clean lol.

4. I'm a teen with no txting.

5. Never ever in someone else's house, even if it is a friend.

So yeah, there is a point where it goes too far lol.

but you get to go on the computer!!! :-)
I'm guessing your mom works outside the home huh?
I know there's 2 sides to every story but that does seem like too much responsibility for a 16 yr old.
Do you have a job? Saving for a car?
Could you ask your mom if you could have a friend come over and help you cook and clean? This way you both get a little bit of what each of you want
 
August 17, 2008, 8:08 pm CDT

Discipline no, Teaching you about life YES!!!

Quote From: emocutie4life

I would have to say my parents are pretty strict, heres why:

1. I have never been to a sleep over because i am not allowed, 16 by the way lol.

2. I can not date till i am in college or graduate from college.

3. I am expected to make dinner by the time mom's home, and have the house clean lol.

4. I'm a teen with no txting.

5. Never ever in someone else's house, even if it is a friend.

So yeah, there is a point where it goes too far lol.

Well, let me try to explain things a little more clearly in ways that might help you to better understand what your parents are trying and not trying to achieve with their rules that you feel are confining!!!

 

1. Never been to a sleep over: Could be a little over protective of you, but at your current age that also slides into the what could she be doing or get talked into doing when we aren't around. So just keep her home.

 

2. Can not date until college or graduate of college: Honestly honey this is really in your best interests !!! I say this with motherly love because I was a teen mother and I think your parents are just making sure that you stay focused on what is important in your life at this age, and making sure that you have all the choices in the world you can imagine with out any chance of anything coming in the way of your future, be it a boy that you like, a baby too soon, sex too soon, std's...... I am sure you are getting the hint by now.

 

3.As far as dinner being cooked and cleaning the house this is a two fold lesson and helping hand: They are teaching you adult responsibilities , how to do these things so that you can care for yourself as an adult, and it sounds like they must both work, so in turn you are helping them out for all that they do for you. You should take pride that they are trusting you with such adult responsibilities, and feel good that you can help make their day a little easier, look at it as a nice way to repay them for all they have done for you and will do for you later. ( Y ou will appreciate this when you are in college and you know how to cook and you can find what you need because you know how to be neat and organized). This also  prepares you for  marriage and what you will need to know how to do as a wife and mother someday. (not fun to learn on the fly)

 

4 As for texting , I have a 15 year old and he doesn't have a phone , no texting, no dating, and his chores are cleaning the kitchen, doing the laundry for him and his brothers, and yes even cooking on occassion(which he does most nights because I work nights, and he loves that he knows how to cook, and so do his friends), and he also babysits for his 3 younger brothers all summer and after school while his dad and I work. : So as for the no texting thing, good for your parents, your time should be spent doing things that matter and not talking in a chopped up version of the english language . Play sports, join a local youth group or volunteer. Not to mention that most teens do things to excess,you don't understand that there are limits for use of things like cell phones and texting, and not to mention they probably don't want the bill !!!

 

5. Not sure what you mean here? Did you mean you have never , ever been to someone elses' house?

If so , yeah you may have something here, but again that falls into the over protective parents catagory. Or the out of sight out of mind, fearing your choices.

 

All things considered, the bottom line is that your parents have not been brain washed into the spoil your brat to excess state of mind , and letting the teenager decide what they are doing and where they are going, and talk to and treat their parents like dirt. Sounds like your parents have it spot on , but may be just a bit strong in some areas, but you are their child and they are responsible for your life. And that 's alot so take it easy on them they really are doing it with love and good intentions!!!!

 
November 14, 2008, 3:30 am CST

don't give up

Quote From: fireangel2007

I honestly wish sometimes i wasn't pakistani so i wouldn't  have to worry about what society will say if  i took my mom on Dr. Phil. I've been secretely crying myself to sleep almost everynight for the last 15 years. Everyday from what i can remember i've been mentally tortured by my mother, even though the physical abuse was bad when we were younger, im 21 and she occassionally will throw things at me and being me i usually laugh it off and it ends. But lately i quit my job to study for the MCATS, my grades suck but i have that hope that i will get in somewhere so im fighting real hard to make sure i don't become her or anything similar to her.  Coming from family whose every move is watched is really hard and its not like we did anything wrong but we have the 2nd largest family in our community including all my aunts and uncles. But anyways, so i quit my job of 4 years to continue studying and everynight or even day she'll come into my room and with pure and utter jealousy stare at me like shes going to kill me and tell me over and over and over and over again how much of a burden i am and that as soon as my dad dies she will marry me off to someone and she doesn't care who it is, imagine all that plus side comments about what a 'stupid bitch' i am and how i will never prosper in my marriage and what not...every single day....i hate my mom and i hate her more than i have hated any one person in my life and i don 't care what anyone says.

I honestly thinks shes jealous of the fact that im stubborn enough to be making sure i get my education and i don't give a rats ass about what she thinks about it. Thanks to my brother whose notorious behavior has overshadowed my existence and needs, i have spent all of highschool and college so far failing and trying to get up and moving.....and i continue...but honestly i've thought about suicide so vividly and have attempted it atleast 2 times...obviously unssuccessul.....my mother wanted to become a nurse and she met the 'love' of her life and married him and defferred admission to a nursing school...is that my fault? I make sure my only priority in life is my career, so much so that i haven't had a serious relationship with anyone ever.....and i think shes jealous...i honestly think that....and i believe it......

I curse myself for being born in this house because i've never had a truly happy moment when im around my family.......

If its possible it would be nice if a similar story to mine would be aired because my mother does watch this show, so maybe just maybe...she'll change.....even for a day.....

SL


Yeah I had a similar story but one day i realized 'She only wants the best for me'... Why do I hate her?

So I stopped hating my parents and just disregarded what they said. I found that yoga helped,and know I'm doing much better, in every way. It's OK, if she's jealous of you you should be happy, becasue it means you have something she didn't. And don't give up!

R.A.

 

 

 
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