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Topic : Adult Children Living at Home

Number of Replies: 365
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Created on : Friday, September 15, 2006, 04:13:09 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Do you or someone you know still have an adult child living at home either out of necessity, or just plain laziness?  Share your stories here.

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September 25, 2006, 7:32 am CDT

Something to think about

Quote From: nurse45co

HiI am divorced and have 3 children.  My 2 daughters are in college and it's me and my 14 year old son now at home.  I started dating a wonderful gentlemen about 1 year ago.  He has 2 sons, one is almost 19 and the other is 21.  The 19 year old lives every other week with his dad and the 21 year old lives with his mother.  You are probably already starting to see where I am going with this.  We have had just a wonderful fun year together, really enjoying each other and learning about each other.  Well, recently we have started discussing some long-term plans about spending our futures together.   I love this man dearly... however, I have some real concerns about his sons.  The 19 year old that lives with him every other week and has not graduated from high school, has no job, and smokes.  The 21 one year old living with his mother graduated from high school, has a job, but he smokes too.  I am nurse and smoking is just not healthy, but I understand it's a choice, but I don't want anyone smoking in or near our home.  He seemed to handle that  one well.  Well, the thing that really got my goat was that the 19-year old told his father he needed new tires on his car (which is his father's) so my boyfriend who works over 60 hours a week went out and bought him new tires.  I was livid!  I stewed and stewed for a few days over whether it was my business to say something or not.  He works so hard and the 19 year old is not doing anything, so I kinda' let it rip last night the best way I knew how.  Needless to say, it didn't go over very well.  There has been several incidents like this that have happend in the past and if we are talking about our futures together I decided it was my business.  I honestly have tried really hard to get my children out on their own and to be accountable and responsible.  And, my children aren't perfect either, but I have always been good about lighting a fire under their butts!  During the course of this conversation that turned really sour my boyfriend said that he didn't want to take away to much from his children (ADULT) because he was afraid he would alienate them and then they wouldn't come over to his house anymore.  Plus, apparently the ex is wacky and he HAS to be there for them.  I tried to be supportive and went through the whole thing about do you want to be a good role model and parent or do you want to be their friend...etc.  This has been our first so-called fight and I am very sad.  Sad because I went home crying and he went home pissed plus I forget  my doggy bag at the restaurant and I am not sure if I can live with children that don't seem to be motivated to do anything.  It's not the end of the world, but it can sure make things pretty uncomforable for me.  Is it my business?  Do you think these adult children will ever be motivated to move on with their lives?  Is my boyfriend and his ex playing the game of who can be the best parent?  Do you think my boyfriend is not emotionally available and still living in the past?  He says he's not.  Should I stay in this relationship or call it quits?  The more and more I write the more confused I feel and the more things sound so screwed up to me.  I am starting to feel like I am in the middle of something I shouldn't be.  So much for making a long story short.  Thanks for reading and listening.  Any thoughts would surely be appreciated.                       

"What you see, is what you get." What I mean by this is, only your b-friend can stop this cycle with his grown kids. No matter how much it may upset you and you guys argue over it, only HE can stop it. He is enableing his 19 y/o to be "dependant" upon him. That is not good. He should make his 19 y/o get a job and take on responsibility. IF you are preparing for a future with this man, then it is your bussiness. Because once you two marry, you will have to deal with this too, if it dont stop. The only way these adult children will ne motivated, is only if, their father quits "enabling" them. He can be there for his kids emotionally, but financially, no. They need to learn how to take care of themselves. Staying in the relationship is your choice on if you can deal with your b-friends behavior or not. Who pays for the cigarettes the 19 y/o smokes? Does he or your b-friend? If you stay in the relationship with your b-friend and you two decide on marriage, I would ask your b-friend to at least make his son get a job and pay for his own responsibitlities. He needs to quit trying to "buy" his kids. They are not going to alienate themselves from him and he is not taking anything away from them. He would be doing them good , by letting them grow up. One day his sons will eventually get married themselves, and then who would your b-friend have? If he loses you? His sons are grown and he needs to think about you two and your future together.
 
September 25, 2006, 8:15 am CDT

another side

 

I posted this message on another topic, but thought I'd copy it here as sometimes there is another perspective. My mom and I watched the show about adult kids living at home, and it seemed that no one spoke up to say that it's not always bad to live with your parents as an adult. I do want people to know that it can be a good and healthy situation, because we are all very, very happy together.

 

I’m a 25-yr.-old single professional woman, and I make my living as a musician. I run my own music business, tour 45 weekends a year with my favorite band, and moonlight as a model. When I graduated from college, my parents expressed a wish that I would continue to live at home. My mother was lonely, as my brothers had recently left home, and I had just ended a very harmful long-term relationship and preferred the cheerful atmosphere of home with loved ones to a lonely single apartment or an unknown roommate.

In some ethnic backgrounds, such as my own, adult children living at home is not at all uncommon and is culturally acceptable. I have a large, close, and wonderfully wacky extended family. Several of my single uncles and cousins live with their elderly parents, and do a great deal for them. It makes it possible for the older generation to live independently, which makes them much happier, and the adult children who choose not to marry have companionship and responsibility for someone else (having no family of their own to care for).

 

While Mom insists I don’t pay rent right now, I try to help out as much as I can. (Sometimes that means being sneaky, like hiding money in Mom's purse!) I love to come home from work and know there’s light, warmth, love and people who care, and it’s fun to leave fresh hot baked surprises and a clean kitchen and bathroom for my parents when they come home from work. While we all work different hours and I travel a lot, we do our best to make quality time for each other on the rare times when we’re all home.

 

I’ve seen many single young adults, when they live alone, get self-centered and careless of others because they have no one to think about or care for but themselves. Living with family means I always have someone else to think about and do things for.

 

We tease each other, laugh together, support each other, help each other, do things together, love each other dearly, and only occasionally drive each other crazy. I have many other great friends of both genders, but my family is the absolute best. We’re very close, and they are the greatest friends a person could ever have. I may not always choose to be single, but while I am, I’m very happy living at home. I try my hardest to make it a good thing for my favorite people in the world as well. I’m so thankful that they have given me the opportunity to really get to know them as adults and friends rather than just parent/child. They are great people!! I’d be a lonely, sad woman without their love, support, encouragement, and inspiration—and if I have achieved any success, it’s through the grace of God and the support of my parents.

 

So many people in today’s world can’t understand why a young, healthy, sane, capable, and independent adult would choose to live at home with parents, viewing it as a “failure to launch”. On the contrary, my parents inspire and encourage me to live my dreams every day, and I want to always be the kind of daughter that makes their lives better too. I’d leave right away if it caused any trouble or tension for them, but they keep telling me how happy they are that I stay. I cover my own personal and business expenses and never want to be a burden on them. I just like their company. They are creative, active, interesting, visionary, and inspiring, and have hearts of gold besides. I love them with all my heart, and am proud to call them my parents—and my very best friends.

 
September 25, 2006, 9:10 am CDT

Adult Children Living at Home

Quote From: jb7ctx

"What you see, is what you get." What I mean by this is, only your b-friend can stop this cycle with his grown kids. No matter how much it may upset you and you guys argue over it, only HE can stop it. He is enableing his 19 y/o to be "dependant" upon him. That is not good. He should make his 19 y/o get a job and take on responsibility. IF you are preparing for a future with this man, then it is your bussiness. Because once you two marry, you will have to deal with this too, if it dont stop. The only way these adult children will ne motivated, is only if, their father quits "enabling" them. He can be there for his kids emotionally, but financially, no. They need to learn how to take care of themselves. Staying in the relationship is your choice on if you can deal with your b-friends behavior or not. Who pays for the cigarettes the 19 y/o smokes? Does he or your b-friend? If you stay in the relationship with your b-friend and you two decide on marriage, I would ask your b-friend to at least make his son get a job and pay for his own responsibitlities. He needs to quit trying to "buy" his kids. They are not going to alienate themselves from him and he is not taking anything away from them. He would be doing them good , by letting them grow up. One day his sons will eventually get married themselves, and then who would your b-friend have? If he loses you? His sons are grown and he needs to think about you two and your future together.

Your are exactly right!  Thank you very much for taking the time to respond to my posting.  My boyfriend and I are getting together this week to talk about this topic.  He sent me an email last night stating that he felt my words to him were uncomfortable, but that he was grateful and they made him realize that he has been to "easy" with his sons and that his actions were stemming from his guilt over the divorce. I am hoping that this is the beginning of communicating towards a positive future and will help us get through the many, many more difficult conversations we will probably need to have before we take the "BIG" step.  Thanks again!  

 
September 26, 2006, 10:43 am CDT

who is the mother?

This is a bit backwards from most, but hopefully, someone will be able to give me some advise.  I don't know how to help my mother anymore.  I am 30 years old (youngest child out of 3) and my mother will be 60 years old next month.  She has never been able to take care of herself financially or emotionally.  About 5 or 6 years ago, she went to jail.  When she got out, my husband and I let her live with us until she got back on her feet.  We helped her get a job, a car, and tried to help her save her money.  I even made her go to a therapist who prescribed her antidepressents, but she never went back or took the medication.  Finally, after 3 years of living with us, I transferred jobs to another city 60 miles away and made her get her own apartment.  She had held the same job for almost the whole 3 years and I provided her with many other resources to help her.  I thought she would do ok.  About 4 months ago, she went to jail again, and I had to go bail her out in middle of the night.  Her job recently found out about it and fired her.  She called me yesterday saying she was going to be evicted from her apartment if she did not pay the 2 months of rent she was behind.  I had no idea she was behind on her rent.  I don't have the money to give her and even if I did, would that help?  I can't let her live with me again.  My house is too small and she has 2 dogs (I have 2 dogs as well).  I can't let her be homeless either!  Any advise????  
 
September 26, 2006, 11:39 am CDT

Adult Children Living at Home

Quote From: jaimie1974

 My cousin has gone through this same situation that you are experiencing. Her mother has been dependant upon her children her whole life, so much so that in fact, when my cousin was only 4 years old, she was the one figuring out what would be for dinner, etc. Now, my cousin in 36 with 4 kids of her own, and she is DONE rescuing her mother. I dont blame her one bit- the rest of the family can see clearly why she cant do it any longer, we only wonder, what took her so long? I understand that this is your mother you are talking about, but lets pretend that you had a friend, and your friend was in this same situation; what would you advise your friend to do?
It isnt your problem that your mother is behind on her rent. She wont be homeless- do some research about the area she lives in and find out where your mother could find some resources. A shelter isnt the same as being homeless. Your mother would have to be held accountable for herself, and that is exactly what she needs to have happen. Right now, she has this idea that you will rescue her like you have in the past. You know that you cant keep doing this, you need to set her free to care for herself; better late than never!! I know this is a very hard position for you to be in, no one wants their mother to be facing this type of situation, but if you continue to rescue her, she will continue to repeat her pattern. Best wishes to you, be good to yourself and do not feel guilty!!

Sounds like your cousin and I have a lot in common.  My father was the provider until when I was 4 years old, he had a brain aneurysm.  He survived, but is now brain damaged and can't work or drive.  My mother had to go back to work and us kids were stuck at home taking care of him and ourselves.  They divorced about 10 years later. 

I did some research last night and called her back with some community resources.  She already had contacted one of them, but she gave the excuse they would only give her $300. She is already living in a subsidized apartment.

I know I can't keep doing this and your advise is correct...I need to stop rescuing her.    I just can't get over the guilt.  Thank you for your advise, I just hope I will use it. 

 
September 28, 2006, 7:22 pm CDT

it's fine, and don't feel guilty about it

Quote From: rosesj

 

I posted this message on another topic, but thought I'd copy it here as sometimes there is another perspective. My mom and I watched the show about adult kids living at home, and it seemed that no one spoke up to say that it's not always bad to live with your parents as an adult. I do want people to know that it can be a good and healthy situation, because we are all very, very happy together.

 

Im a 25-yr.-old single professional woman, and I make my living as a musician. I run my own music business, tour 45 weekends a year with my favorite band, and moonlight as a model. When I graduated from college, my parents expressed a wish that I would continue to live at home. My mother was lonely, as my brothers had recently left home, and I had just ended a very harmful long-term relationship and preferred the cheerful atmosphere of home with loved ones to a lonely single apartment or an unknown roommate.

In some ethnic backgrounds, such as my own, adult children living at home is not at all uncommon and is culturally acceptable. I have a large, close, and wonderfully wacky extended family. Several of my single uncles and cousins live with their elderly parents, and do a great deal for them. It makes it possible for the older generation to live independently, which makes them much happier, and the adult children who choose not to marry have companionship and responsibility for someone else (having no family of their own to care for).

 

While Mom insists I dont pay rent right now, I try to help out as much as I can. (Sometimes that means being sneaky, like hiding money in Mom's purse!) I love to come home from work and know theres light, warmth, love and people who care, and its fun to leave fresh hot baked surprises and a clean kitchen and bathroom for my parents when they come home from work. While we all work different hours and I travel a lot, we do our best to make quality time for each other on the rare times when were all home.

 

Ive seen many single young adults, when they live alone, get self-centered and careless of others because they have no one to think about or care for but themselves. Living with family means I always have someone else to think about and do things for.

 

We tease each other, laugh together, support each other, help each other, do things together, love each other dearly, and only occasionally drive each other crazy. I have many other great friends of both genders, but my family is the absolute best. Were very close, and they are the greatest friends a person could ever have. I may not always choose to be single, but while I am, Im very happy living at home. I try my hardest to make it a good thing for my favorite people in the world as well. Im so thankful that they have given me the opportunity to really get to know them as adults and friends rather than just parent/child. They are great people!! Id be a lonely, sad woman without their love, support, encouragement, and inspirationand if I have achieved any success, its through the grace of God and the support of my parents.

 

So many people in todays world cant understand why a young, healthy, sane, capable, and independent adult would choose to live at home with parents, viewing it as a failure to launch. On the contrary, my parents inspire and encourage me to live my dreams every day, and I want to always be the kind of daughter that makes their lives better too. Id leave right away if it caused any trouble or tension for them, but they keep telling me how happy they are that I stay. I cover my own personal and business expenses and never want to be a burden on them. I just like their company. They are creative, active, interesting, visionary, and inspiring, and have hearts of gold besides. I love them with all my heart, and am proud to call them my parentsand my very best friends.

i don't think it's a failure to launch. living at home with parents and leaping into adulthood is not the same.  as a mother i will give you my perspective.  as long as you realize mom and dad are not there for your use, i don't disagree with your living at home.  as long as you behave as an adult, carry your weight, not expecting mom and dad to be 'of service' to you, it;s fine. it is when the child still expects for the parents to take care of them, financially, emotionally etc that the problem begins.  i too, loved my parents, and loved being with them both.  eventually, mom dad and i became the same age: ADULTS!!!!!!!!!!  and that's when the living at home, with your parents is just fine. don't feel guilty. as long as you view mom and dad, as the good friends and do all you have mentioned, i don't see it as a problem.  when the time comes and you feel it's time to get a different address, i'm sure they would be your biggest fans. don't feel guilty.  if more young adults had your attitude, this wouldn't even on the message boards would it???  best of luck to you
 
September 29, 2006, 2:13 pm CDT

I can't get my adult son out of my home

Hi,

I am a female, 59 living with adult son age 37.  My son does not know his father (father left when I was 3 mos preg) and his father never paid any support.  I lived most of my son's childhood with my caring and loving parents - I was working full time and paying rent to my folks and also paid a babysitter to care for my son.  I got married when my son was about 11 (he never liked his stepfather, who was a policeman)  and then got divorced when my son was about 17.  During this time my son had jobs working part time and going to school - at the end of his high school years I learned that my son was gay - this was a little shock, but  he is my child  and I told him I love him no matter what he is, plus I wasn't too shocked be cause I do have other gay family members.  He moved out of state for a while then came back - then I learned he was HIV positive - this we are getting through - or so I thought, he feels well physically and looks good too, but I do believe that is is hampering him from finding a job (of course this could be my excuse)   About 4 years ago while my son was working as a waiter, he talked me into moving to an apt  (I had been liviing with a friend and needed to get out) with him and he assured me that he would be paying his part of the rent - I agreed, well as soon as we moved he got fired from his job and has not worked since.  I have begged him to look for another job, go back and get some training, apply for some sort of aid - he does nothing.  I am paying for everything and I don't make a great deal of money.  I am living from paycheck to paycheck and most of the time it doesn't quite cover everything.  I am getting desperate - my fiances are shot, my credit cards are maxed out, the rent keeps going up and I am on a lease for another year - I can't save any $$ for retirement or to even go out.  I have asked my son to move and he refuses - he had put his name of some of the utility bills and so I can't even have him evicted because this shows as his residence.  I am so tired of living like this and I don't know what to do.  Does anyone have any suggestions?  My parents are both deceased otherwise I would have asked my Dad to speak to my son, because he was the only one my son ever looked up to.

 
October 10, 2006, 10:16 pm CDT

Need some good advice

I need some advice fast!  I have a 22 year old daugther (Hollie) who has two children, and her boyfriend (Justin also father of her children).  They where having financial difficulties mostley due to illegal drugs.  My daugther told me that her boyfriend was doing crack cocain and that she wanted out.  So my husband and my self opened our door to my daugther and her two girls.  After a couple of weeks of her sitting around the house and being depressed she told me that she still loved Justin.  She also told me he was not doing any drugs and he was changing.  Like a big dumby we decided to let him move in,  get there bills cought up and then move out.  We also made some finacial decsisons about how much money they where to give us on a monthley basis( $400.00).  Every time it was time to give me money there was always a fight  and most every week I would end up giving them back some of the money that they gave me to help them get threw the week.  Needless to say I was spending more then $400.00 a month on grocieries and also babysitting for free until my daughter got fired from her job. 
While they where living with us they would be gone almost every night  to wee hours of the night or morning most of the times with both of the kids. I statred suspecting that they where doing drugs again.  I approched them about it and of course they said no.  They finially moved out the middle of Sept. and then two weeks after they move out Justin supposibley got laid off from his job but I say he was fired. 
Soon after they moved out my husband needed to finish up some wood work and went to get the compound saw and it is gone.  I ask my daugther and her boyfriend if they knew where it was and they both said no.  Well neither one of us believed them.  Then I start looking around and I noticed a dimond necklase and ring was missing and I ask my daugther about it and she said that she took it and hocked it for a loan while they where living with us and that she was wrong for taking it and would get it out of hock the next week.  I said did you take the saw also and she said no.  A few days go by and I look for a camara and it is gone also.  So she confesses to taking that also.  Justin told me that they had taken all of it including the saw.  Also my husbands wedding band is gone, but they said they didn't take that.  So naturally I am devisated about all of this and she is yelling at me about how mad she is that I have told her real father and her boyfriends parents.  Up until this time all of us are giving then money.  I know they are both doing drugs along with Justins parents and her real father.  I am so concerend with my grandchildren I am about ready to loose my mind.  I can always call the police and have them arrested but, I don't want this to happen. They are suppose to get our stuff out of hock this week but, I really don't care about the stuff I care about my grandchildren first and then my daugther.  There is a lot more to this story but I really don't want to write this in a letter.  Can you please give me some advice about what I should do ?  I have ask her to take a drug test and she said she won't just because I want her to.

HELP

 
October 12, 2006, 10:56 am CDT

help with grown children

I am heart broken over my sons. The youngest who is 28 Has lived with me and  my husband for over 6 years. In and out of college and jobs. a few months ago my husband and I went out of town to vist a sick relative he took my car. he got drunk and hit another car. This was not the first time he did somehing like this. So I made hime leave with just his personal things. No computer, no dvd, and no playstation. Now I'm the bad one because of this.

The oldest son was addicted to pain medication years ago. He has a kidney stone and got hooked again. I made him leave because he was doing it in my house. Shooting up.

The bad one again because I kicked him out with no job, no car, and he was sick.

There is more to this story, goes back to when I was married to their dad for 36 years.

I still love them and care about them but I have had ENOUGH.

Oh by the way I married a man who is retired from  the state as a director of a half way house for substance abusers.

I lost one son 4 years ago because of prep. drugs. Is there no end to this nightmare?

 

 
October 13, 2006, 3:43 am CDT

there comes a time to say let go

Quote From: rsebastian7

I am heart broken over my sons. The youngest who is 28 Has lived with me and  my husband for over 6 years. In and out of college and jobs. a few months ago my husband and I went out of town to vist a sick relative he took my car. he got drunk and hit another car. This was not the first time he did somehing like this. So I made hime leave with just his personal things. No computer, no dvd, and no playstation. Now I'm the bad one because of this.

The oldest son was addicted to pain medication years ago. He has a kidney stone and got hooked again. I made him leave because he was doing it in my house. Shooting up.

The bad one again because I kicked him out with no job, no car, and he was sick.

There is more to this story, goes back to when I was married to their dad for 36 years.

I still love them and care about them but I have had ENOUGH.

Oh by the way I married a man who is retired from  the state as a director of a half way house for substance abusers.

I lost one son 4 years ago because of prep. drugs. Is there no end to this nightmare?

 

sorry about the feel guilty it's my fault i am a failure mother feeling you are having.  it boggles my mind to read posts of the moms who still feel that responsibility for 'children' who are 20 plus years old.  listen, it's time to get strong now. he's 28, don't you think he knows you will crumble to your guilt? you know what the hardest part of being a mom is?? to realize they have reached a point where they are 'stuck' in childhood and can't let go, can't go on to the next level of their life called 'growing up and getting on, 'adulthood.  whey are you stressed over his poor choice in life. if he has a 'drinking problem' did you cause it? if he robbed a bank, would you be the reason he did?? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!!!!!!   listen, your ultimate goal as a mom is to let them fly, to let them go. a moms job is to prepare the child to become an adult and keep civilization going. your job as a mother is to push them out of the nest.  and the child, his life is about making choices on how they will become an adult in the world.  so stop worrying about your 28 year old, get strong on your own.  if you stay strong, he will now he needs to change his behavior. but if you don't stop the lingering of his childhood, he has no necessity to 'grow up.....  the drinking and driving should be a wake up call, and the one that needs to wake up is you.  i too had a son who continued to make poor choices. one day i realized he would be a husband and father some day in his life. i realized that it was time to push the little bird out of the nest. it was the best thing i ever did for him.  he is living the life of a  man.  of course, i wish he would make more money, go back to school etc... but he makes his own choices, as i, as a mother can only sit there and smile.  my advice to you, sincerely from my heart is to go join a support group. it will make you stronger, and you need to be that for your sons. time to take of their bibs.  good luck. ps it's not your nightmare, it's theirs. stop being a victim
 
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