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Topic : Adult Children Living at Home

Number of Replies: 365
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, September 15, 2006, 04:13:09 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Do you or someone you know still have an adult child living at home either out of necessity, or just plain laziness?  Share your stories here.

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September 17, 2008, 12:50 pm CDT

Thoughts from 37 yr old

Quote From: lburns917

I am an adult child living at home with my parents. I graduated from college two years ago on the east coast but did not have a job at that time so I moved back in with my parents in the Seattle area.

 

Over the past few months I have been seriously planning a "move-out" timeline but I am unsure of how to share this with my parents as they really enjoy my presence in the house. I have discussed moving out with them before but was met with an incredible amount of guilt and pressure not to do so. My parents, especially my mother, makes comments all of the time about how I should stay home until I'm married or until I can afford to buy a house which in my mind, are goals for 5 to 10 years away!

 

If anyone has ideas on how to best approach this topic with my parents, the advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

Just tell your parents what you are going to do.  Something I've learned better in my 30s:  part of *really* growing up is making AND owning your decisions.  Truly.  Once you 'cross the bridge', you will understand exactly what I mean by this.

Do not allow your parents' guilt-inducing comments to change your decisions.  Get a real, concrete plan FIRST.  Then let them know what you will be doing ("I've rented an apartment, I'm moving out Saturday").  Keep the timeline short from when you tell them to action (not "in 3 months I'm gonna XYZ"). 

When they start on w/ what you "should" be doing, you say "I understand.  Thank you for your generosity for letting me stay here the past 2 yrs.  The movers will be here Saturday."   Do not be roped into discussions.  You do not have to defend this decision nor explain yourself to them.  What you are doing reasonable and responsible, you don't need to explain it. 

You may have to do this over & over again, as it will be a new reaction to them, and they'll be a little caught off guard.  Keep the same answer whenever they bring it up.  You'll feel like a broken record, it may even feel rude but it is not.  Just keep steady.  If it gets too hot, excuse yourself from the conversation/situation, but do not do it in a huff.  Remember, you do not need to explain nor defend yourself about this.

 

Sometimes as we get older, it takes the ADULT SON/DAUGHTER to keep the intergenterational relationship moving forward.   As you go through life their will be more situations like this with your parents (your choice of spouse, jobs, where you live w/ your own family, how you spend holidays, when you should have  kids, how many to have, how to raise them.....).  As you continue to act as an independent adult (no excessive discussion to get their approval for your decision or to convince them the decision is right), they will come to see you as their adult child in a new light and the relationship will continue to evolve and get richer in many ways.  And one day, when the time comes for you to help your aging parents, it will be a more natural transition for all of you. 

Dr. Phil says at times in life you can make a decison that can really have an impact on your course. I think this is one of those opportunities for you.  Best wishes to you.

 
September 25, 2008, 11:46 am CDT

Boyfriend enables 21 yr old son living at home

 My boyfriend's 21 yr. old son lives at home, is finally going to college full time that daddy pays for, and has no responsibilities around the house.  He is a bit slower than a normal 21 yr. old but not so much that he wasn't able to hold a full time job this summer, play hockey, and know that he doesn't have to do anything around the house - and I mean not one thing - to get money from daddy for gas, or going out.  Daddy cleans up after sonny boy including all of the dishes/utensils he uses, picks up sonny boys clothes off sonny boys bathroom floor, kitchen floor, family room floor and any floor except his bedrooom (which is completely covered with clothes), lets him use daddy's bathroom because his own counter is so full of crap, does sonny boys laundry, mows the lawn, mows Grandma's lawn, mows 4 softball diamonds he has to maintain all while sonny boy sits in front of the idiot box watching movies or playing video games.  Daddy has had 2 heart attacks and bypass surgery already and doesn't need the added stress of having to come home after a full days work to a complete messy house everyday.  This is affecting daddys health which in turn scares the heck out of me when he's grabbing his chest or saying he's having difficulty breathing.  His laziness is also seriously affecting daddys and my relationship.  I will say sonny boy is a good kid, only got into trouble once - so far - but has no idea, or claims he has no idea, of what he can do to help around the house.  When daddy gets pissed off due to me complaining about sonny boy doing nothing, daddy screams at sonny boy to start doing things and not be so lazy.  Daddy has a hard time with communication to anyone.  Sonny boy needs to get a clue and daddy needs to stop enabling him and start disciplining him.  I'm at my wits end and don't want to have our relationship end over this.  I am willing to help teach sonny boy how to do laundry, cleanup, etc. but don't feel it's my place to do this without him asking for help.  Please help!!! 
 
September 30, 2008, 7:10 pm CDT

Living with mother in law

My husband and I have been  married for four years and last year we had to move in with his mother when they raise our rent on our apartment and I wasn't working that much and then was unemployed and still am. It is hard on me but my husband is enjoying it. Luckly we had someone to let us live with them but it takes a toll on a person.
 
October 3, 2008, 7:19 am CDT

24 year old son

That son is doing great today, he is now 25 has been working for a computer company for over a year now is doing great, loves his job.  He found him self a great apartment on his own and is doing wonderful.  I can see where he was depressed and I was at fault for getting on his case about stupid things.  I have since learned to back off and give both my sons a chance to learn on their own.  Looking back I was part of the problem.  I think maybe I was stressed because he was having trouble finding a job which in this neck of the woods is not easy.  I guess sometimes you want so much for your kids to succeed that you become very impatient.  I am very proud of him, he is a great young man, I just had to learn to let go, which I will admit is not easy for me to do but am getting there and learning from my mistakes with the older one s o I won't do the same stupid things with my youngest one.  I am proud that he is a great young man with a good future in front of him, actually he is probably only one of a handful of guys his age who does not drink and does not like the bar scene and won't change for anyone.  I am a proud parent!!
 
October 3, 2008, 5:15 pm CDT

Good to read

Quote From: missinlink

That son is doing great today, he is now 25 has been working for a computer company for over a year now is doing great, loves his job.  He found him self a great apartment on his own and is doing wonderful.  I can see where he was depressed and I was at fault for getting on his case about stupid things.  I have since learned to back off and give both my sons a chance to learn on their own.  Looking back I was part of the problem.  I think maybe I was stressed because he was having trouble finding a job which in this neck of the woods is not easy.  I guess sometimes you want so much for your kids to succeed that you become very impatient.  I am very proud of him, he is a great young man, I just had to learn to let go, which I will admit is not easy for me to do but am getting there and learning from my mistakes with the older one s o I won't do the same stupid things with my youngest one.  I am proud that he is a great young man with a good future in front of him, actually he is probably only one of a handful of guys his age who does not drink and does not like the bar scene and won't change for anyone.  I am a proud parent!!

That's excellent!  I love it when people post updates, I often wonder how things end up working out for people.  (I clicked on your name to read your old posts.)

Very honest insight into the various facets of the problem.   Inspiring to see such honest self-reflection.  So glad your son's on his way in his life; and now he can get on with living it.  Excellent!

 
October 9, 2008, 12:04 pm CDT

Tired of excuses

 I'm desperate for a solution.  My adult daughter is a "boomerang" child of 30 years.  She has repeated come back home for "just a week" that turns into months.  The latest stay has come to over a year.  She has repeatedly depended on someone else to move in with and the situations have never worked out.  She has two little ones, age 5 and 7.  Now my daughter says she is engaged and marring a man somewhat older and has brought him home too, "temporarily" while they save up to move to MS, his father's hometown.  three months later they are all still here.  I am looking for help suggestions anything that will get them out of our house, not alienate my grandchildren (whom I know without them we would have kicked her out again long ago).  She does not work, is seeing a back pain doctor, and he is not working, and lives off all of us. I have practically "raised" her children and am begining to think they would be better off without her.  My husband and I are near retirement and are fearful we will never be "on our own"
 
October 16, 2008, 12:53 pm CDT

Adult Children Living at Home

Quote From: jb7ctx

My sister has adult children living at home that are just too dang lazy to work!!! They want everyone else to take care of them and their children. They would rather sit around all day and watch T.V. and smoke, instead of getting off their lazy butts and going to work! When they need money for gas, cigarettes, food, rent, electricity, what do they do? They run to my parents and put on a sad sob story! My sister just lost her husband last year, and as soon as he was buried, her grown kids moved in and mooched her dry!!! My sister hasnt even went to work yet. She stays home and watches her grandchildren so her grown kids can run the roads. How do they run the roads? By begging for money from my parents saying they are looking for a job. This was last year and neither has a job yet!! One is 29 and married with 3 kids. ( her husband is a lazy butt too and dont work). He couldnt go to work because his lip got sunburned! GOOD GRIEF!! ( just one example of an excuse)! Another excuse, " I hurt my back", but yet he can go outside and move tree limbs! The other daughter is 24 with 3 kids and she feels that if her mom dont work, then she dont have to either because she shouldnt have to be the one to pay all the bills. Excuse me?? But she has 3 kids to take care of. I just dont get it!  They want all the good life to live in, but dont want to work a day for it. They are L-A-Z-Y! AARRGGHH!! make s me ill! I wish my parents would quit giving them money. They use their kids as a pawn to get money and when they get the money, they BLOW it on unneccessay things! instead of buying food and paying bills! My parents paid their rent for over 4 months one time, and all the rest of us kids turned against them for doing that, since none of them are working and when my parents found out how we all felt, they said they were gonna stop, but I dont think they have because no one is working over there and yet they still have elecrticity, food, you name it! Sorry! I am venting! I could go on and on, but I will stop now. Theres just no excuse for this! My daughter just turned 17, she is graduating this year. She WORKS after school! She just brought herself a 98 mustang, PAID FOR,and she buys her own clothes, she does chores around the home on her off days. She has money put up for when she graduates. If my daughter can do this, so can they! For petes sake! They are older than her! OK! I'll quit now.
This is an amazing subject to discuss. It is amazing that there are so many parents out there who are being taken advantage of by adult children who think it is perfectly alright to do so and not only that but that they are "entitled." Talking to these numnuts gets nowhere. They become indignant, accusatory and get in touch with anyone who will listen to share their sad story. My daughters were taught responsiblity growing up to. They had after school jobs as soon as they were old enough. They have their own cars that they paid for, insurance, taxes etc, bought their own clothes, went to college, now have double and masters degrees and good jobs but I have brothers that made a life out of taking advantage of my parents and anyone else they could get close enough too. What is it that causes some people to be this way?

My mother passed away in 2003. Mom and Dad had four children;three boys and a girl (me). Two boys were born before dad went off to war and then the last two were born after the war. My oldest brother and I are the responsible ones. My next oldest brother has been a pain all his life. He was sickly growing up and played it for all it was worth. He did manage to get himself through college but thought himself a ladies man and eventually lost several jobs. He married and kept his wife drugged up so she didn't know what was going on. When he lost his last job he moved in with my parents. My Dad was retired but had started a small business and mom was still working. He moved his wife who stayed in bed all day and his two teenage daughters who wouldn;t eat what was put before them and himself into my parents house. They slept on the livingroom floor. When he turned down a job offer my brothers and I got them out of there after a year. Dad said he couldn't take it any more. Brother then got a job, bought a house but then lost the house and his wife finally left  him and got herself medically checked out and taken off of meds. His children don't want anything to do with him. When everything was gone and he was evicted from his apartment and lost all of his furniture in the process he moved back in with our elderly mother. She paid for everything and he sat around and ran his mouth and watched tv. He eventually got a small job but never made an attempt to move. Mom did not want him there but felt she was stuck and obligated because he was her son. While all of this was going on my youngest brother got himself put in jail because of drugs and was released after a year.  As the baby he was always spoiled rotten. My husband and I let him come live with us in another city to attend college after his jail release but he walked all over us and junked whatever we tried to help him with so after 6 mos. we told him hasta la vista. He moved back home with my parents. He got a job framing houses. Long story short he evenutally became a general contractor making lots of money but continued to live with my parents and basically run the show. Eventually Dad said he would have to pay something to stay and so he shelled out a measly 135.00 a month and made every body miserable. He never married. Continued to mooch off my Mom while making tons of money but paying half of household expenses. Him from his bank roll, her from her pension,. She would save the grocery receipts so she could be sure to get as much money as possible toward expenses each  month. It all makes me sick. Everyone thought when the time came that since he had always lived with mom and had so much money that he would make sure she could live her days out at home as her heart desired. No such thing. He found a low rent (not nice) nursing home for her and would not shell out what was needed to get her home. To say the least I figured every which way but I was raising my children as a single parent living in a two bedroom house and could do no more while working full time. He was not working just living off his gold. So there they were the next oldest brother now 72 and the youngest brother now 55 living in Mom's house and she in a nursing home. I took care of all of her finances at her and dad's request and the estate but the brothers still managed to steal $2500 from Mom's account and to keep the death benefit for her burial for themselves. Have you ever heard of such sleeze? I can't believe these men come from the same family I come from. There's more but this is enough said. The house was left to the four children in the will but these two jerks refuse to move, refuse to pay rent and refuse to take care of the place. It looks and smells like a dump. A court order would get them out but I would still have to do everything to get the house ready to sell and that would be considerable then argue and fuss with them regarding the sale and negotiations. It tics me of that all of their lives they have gotten away with this stuff! 
I hate that my mother was not able to live out her days quietly enjoying her home and her grandchildren.
It does get worse. One of the brothers has now been found to have molested one of our nieces and broken up another man's marriage. The other brother goes to the Walmart in his "rascal" and leers at young girls and follows women around town just to watch them go  into their jobs. He's been arrested twice for solicitation. Where did these weird people come from and how did they get to be my brothers?
To say the least it is impossible to have "family" with them.
 
October 17, 2008, 3:29 pm CDT

My buddy Wes

One of my good friends has this problem. I met him my junior year of college and we've been pals ever since. Well we graduated and went our seperate ways but have been good at staying in touch. Now like most of us, he moved home after college to get his feet on the ground before starting his life. But it's been 3 1/2 years since we graduated and he is still living with his parents! Heck, he didn't even have a job until the beginning of this year. He tried being a bus boy for awhile but he couldn't hack it. Even illegal immigrants could do that job with their eyes closed but not Wes. I went to visit him in Boston last winter and the house was very nice. He has a little dungeon in the basement where his parents don't go and he kept saying, "this is a pretty cool setup, right?". So we were down there drinking beer and i had this sickening feeling that i was still in High School or something. i kept thinking to myself, if his parents came down where should i try and hide the beer. I think he has some real dependency issues. It doesn't seem like he can do anything without his mom. When he was accepting the job he has now, he didn't know how to do it. First he asked his mom whether he should call or write an email. then he asked his mom to proof read the email. then he asked if he should send it before lunch or after lunch. After getting insight from his mom he asked her, "what day should i start?". Getting iritated, i frankly said "is this job yours or your moms?".   He has just become so lazy and comfortable in his living situation that i just don't think i can reach him anymore. So i'm turning to you. Dr. Phil, please advise.
 
October 18, 2008, 1:54 pm CDT

angry stepson

i've been married to my wonderful husband just a year.  he has one son - almost 21. my 2 sons, 20, and 25 are living on their own and self sufficient.  my stepson works but pays nothing but his truck payment.  he comes home angry everyday.  he uses one racial slur after another. he is obsessed with his father not spending enough time with him. he has never said one bad thing to me but his actions say plenty!  i feel he considers me an intruder and wishes i would fall off the face of the earth!  his words scare me! he is always saying he wishes his boss would die or that so-and-so would get their head blown off!  i have tried talking to my husband about this but he says it's just "his way." i finally spent the night at my old house one night this week to get away from him.  has anyone out there ever dealt with a situation like this?
 
October 19, 2008, 6:44 am CDT

Adult Children Living at Home

Quote From: garthfan62

 My boyfriend's 21 yr. old son lives at home, is finally going to college full time that daddy pays for, and has no responsibilities around the house.  He is a bit slower than a normal 21 yr. old but not so much that he wasn't able to hold a full time job this summer, play hockey, and know that he doesn't have to do anything around the house - and I mean not one thing - to get money from daddy for gas, or going out.  Daddy cleans up after sonny boy including all of the dishes/utensils he uses, picks up sonny boys clothes off sonny boys bathroom floor, kitchen floor, family room floor and any floor except his bedrooom (which is completely covered with clothes), lets him use daddy's bathroom because his own counter is so full of crap, does sonny boys laundry, mows the lawn, mows Grandma's lawn, mows 4 softball diamonds he has to maintain all while sonny boy sits in front of the idiot box watching movies or playing video games.  Daddy has had 2 heart attacks and bypass surgery already and doesn't need the added stress of having to come home after a full days work to a complete messy house everyday.  This is affecting daddys health which in turn scares the heck out of me when he's grabbing his chest or saying he's having difficulty breathing.  His laziness is also seriously affecting daddys and my relationship.  I will say sonny boy is a good kid, only got into trouble once - so far - but has no idea, or claims he has no idea, of what he can do to help around the house.  When daddy gets pissed off due to me complaining about sonny boy doing nothing, daddy screams at sonny boy to start doing things and not be so lazy.  Daddy has a hard time with communication to anyone.  Sonny boy needs to get a clue and daddy needs to stop enabling him and start disciplining him.  I'm at my wits end and don't want to have our relationship end over this.  I am willing to help teach sonny boy how to do laundry, cleanup, etc. but don't feel it's my place to do this without him asking for help.  Please help!!! 
please see my message posted just yesterday.  your story is exactly like mine except my stepson is angry and possessive of his father.  i finally expressed this past week that i am scared of the boy.  it didn't go over well because his father is so used to him being angry and violent (has thrown punches at his father more than once). don't marry this man until situation changes!
 
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