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Topic : Adult Children Living at Home

Number of Replies: 365
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, September 15, 2006, 04:13:09 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Do you or someone you know still have an adult child living at home either out of necessity, or just plain laziness?  Share your stories here.

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October 21, 2008, 12:13 pm CDT

mammas boy

I am dating a guy that I grew up with, I always knew his mother never wanted him or his brother to get married, but now we are in our 40s and have been seeing each other for a year or so, we live 10 hours away from each other, but we can make that work, what will not work is his mother.  He actually told her that we are not seeing each other anymore, to keep her off his back, he can't do anything with out upsetting her.  She is even mad if he goes to work.  We dont see each other on holidays, or birthdays, and I can't call the house, ( he still lives with her ) and I can't send him any mail, I have to send it to his work.  We talk on his way to work and his way home, and at night we chat on the computer.  But she figures he is talking to someone and keeps bothering him.  As I said we have known each other all our lives.  This is now really getting to me.  I planned a surprise weekend up to where he lives about an hour away, and was going to call and say I am at the airport , come get me.  We something told me to just ask him what he would do if I did that, and he said that he would get me at the airport, spend a few hours with me, then he would have to go home because she would be upset if he were not home for dinner, and then he would have a friend of his take me to the airport on Sunday, I cancelled my trip.  I love him , but this is getting old fast.   Please help
 
October 21, 2008, 12:28 pm CDT

mammas boys

Quote From: lovelivinlife

I am dating a guy that I grew up with, I always knew his mother never wanted him or his brother to get married, but now we are in our 40s and have been seeing each other for a year or so, we live 10 hours away from each other, but we can make that work, what will not work is his mother.  He actually told her that we are not seeing each other anymore, to keep her off his back, he can't do anything with out upsetting her.  She is even mad if he goes to work.  We dont see each other on holidays, or birthdays, and I can't call the house, ( he still lives with her ) and I can't send him any mail, I have to send it to his work.  We talk on his way to work and his way home, and at night we chat on the computer.  But she figures he is talking to someone and keeps bothering him.  As I said we have known each other all our lives.  This is now really getting to me.  I planned a surprise weekend up to where he lives about an hour away, and was going to call and say I am at the airport , come get me.  We something told me to just ask him what he would do if I did that, and he said that he would get me at the airport, spend a few hours with me, then he would have to go home because she would be upset if he were not home for dinner, and then he would have a friend of his take me to the airport on Sunday, I cancelled my trip.  I love him , but this is getting old fast.   Please help
The reason that
I put this in this subject is that he is still living and home and I can't get him to move out.  He is now 43, has been telling me for a year that he is going to get his own place, then his mother lays a guilt trip on him and that is over with.  This is killing me, I have always loved him, but please help!
 
October 22, 2008, 8:02 pm CDT

Adult Children Living at Home

Quote From: jaimie1974

It sounds like your boyfriend is his mothers substitute husband - but he is going along with it! Why does he jump when momma says to jump? Besides getting upset, what else does his mother do- does she threaten to kick him out? Ask him what the worst case scenario is; what is he most afraid will happen if he doesnt constantly please his mother? And then, when you know what the worst case scenario is, ask him what would HE do if that happened? When is he going to take control of his own life, stop being mommas puppet? You deserve to know the answer to that question, because it is going to determine how long you should wait around for him. Im not trying to be negative about this, but you have to consider this: he has lived this way all of his life, and being mommas boy is a habit that will be difficult to break. Have you considered your own worst-case scenario? Meaning, if he never started living his own life - and how long you are going to wait around for him to start doing that? I hope I have at least given you some things to think about. I wish you the best!

yes i must agree that since his dad died, it has gotten worse.  The thing that gets me is that i can't send him anything in the mail, or even call him on the weekends.  He is not afraid of being kicked out he could get his own place, he is juat afraid of her saying that he walked out on her.  And how can he dissapoint a 70 some year old woman.  I am divorced and my ex is wanting to work things out, I am thinking about it as I do not want to waste my time waiting for something that will never happen, I have come to the conclusion that it will not with us.( the mommas man)  thanks for everything

 

 
October 23, 2008, 10:11 am CDT

Boyfriends Adult Son At Home

I have been dating a wonderful man for about 13 months. He has two adult children, ages 23 and 27. The 27 year old is currrently going thru a divorce after six years of marriage and has two small children. She has her own home and is relatively self-sufficent. When I met my boyfriend, he was living alone after 28 years of marriage to an alcoholic, prescription drug, compulsive gambler, chain smoking addict. He raised his two children with this woman well into adulthood, then he divorced. The ex-wife still continues her behavior and has a boyfriend she lives with. But she also rents the downstairs of the home from her daughter so she has somewhere to 'stay' when she goes to work, less than an eighth of a mile away. Her primary residence is an apartment just 20 minutes away with her boyfriend. I wanted to give you a little history so that any responses to this message will be from knowledge of background, and not pure emotion.

 

After less than a month dating this man, he told me his son would be moving back in to stay until he gets on his feet. He also had about 15,000.00 in debt that his father paid off for him. The son has a girlfriend that doesn't get along with her mother so after a short time she also moved in. It has been one year and I really don't see any progress towards independance. They are absolute pigs and the once prestine house he had when I first met him no longer exisists. I will come over and there will be the same dishes in the sink for days! Not to mention fresh laundry piled on the couch in a heap, unfolded. Don't even get me started on their bedroom. All I can say is, when and of they ever leave, the carpet needs to be replaced and walls painted/repaired. My boyfriend built this house with his own two hands. And the ex-wife had it during the separation and completely destroyed the interior to the point he had to gut the house and start over!

 

The 'kids' are saving up for a house so my boyfriend does not get any rent or contributions to utilities. They only have to pay for their food. They two combined do not make enough income to handle the 300,000.00 mortgage they are targeting. And the only mortgage they qualify for is a Lease to Own. I bought my own home after my divorce and am self sufficent. Some say a little too independent. But I was raised to be a productive adult when I left my home at the tender age of 18. I have never been back other then to visit. I have had my shares of ups and downs and a failed marriage. My boyfriend is 50 and I am 44. I don't feel we can move on with our relationship as long as the two kids are at home. I want to share a life and home with a man. It's not that these two kids can't make it on their own, but while Dad enables the behavior and allows them free room and board, why should they leave?Heck, if I could live some where for free and bank my monthly mortgage, I'd be financially on my way to being set for life! Plus I could be driving that BMW I always wanted. But alias, I have a mortgage and monthly expenses I have to pay every month.

 

I know he feels guilty for raising his two children with the woman he chose as their mother. He allowed her behavior to control and manipulate the family. This is where the adult children know how to do the same as far as their father is concerned. As an outsider I see this all too well. I do love this man, but not only do I have to deal with the baggage of his marriage but also the plights of the children. The 27 year old girl has called from bars completely drunk, needing a ride home. Seems the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. He should have taken those children away from that dysfunctional relationship  a long time ago, but he stayed due to his deep religious convictions.

 

How do I deal with the frustration I feel? How do I talk contructively with my boyfriend about my feelings? Any insight would be appreciated...

 

 
October 23, 2008, 11:42 am CDT

dont know what to do

My 22 year old son moved out and got an apartment. He did not pay his rent and after 6 months came to me saying he needed to get out. He lied to me saying it was cause he had a job close to where i lived. soo i paid his back rent and let him move in. I found out it was a lie and he had no job. It has been 6 months now and he still has no job. Despite the fact I buy him food he continually ears other peoples food in the house. (my husbands and my oldest daughters who also live at  my house).

Today I suggested he ask the neighbors if they would like him to rake their leaves and he said no he is not  12. I said it dont matter that your not 12 you have no job and no money and this could get you some mone. He is not looking for a job but even if he was I doubt he would fiind one cause he has had lots of jobs and has always screwed them up. His father is not in his life (which is a good thing cause his father is a child molester). Dont tell me to kick him out cause that aint gonna happen. I tried to be a good mom and protect my kids but I did not do a good job. His father was abusive and I feel guilty that he had such a tough life and want to help.. But I dunno what to do..

please how can I help my son...

 

 
October 23, 2008, 6:51 pm CDT

To Help your Son

Quote From: guiltymom

My 22 year old son moved out and got an apartment. He did not pay his rent and after 6 months came to me saying he needed to get out. He lied to me saying it was cause he had a job close to where i lived. soo i paid his back rent and let him move in. I found out it was a lie and he had no job. It has been 6 months now and he still has no job. Despite the fact I buy him food he continually ears other peoples food in the house. (my husbands and my oldest daughters who also live at  my house).

Today I suggested he ask the neighbors if they would like him to rake their leaves and he said no he is not  12. I said it dont matter that your not 12 you have no job and no money and this could get you some mone. He is not looking for a job but even if he was I doubt he would fiind one cause he has had lots of jobs and has always screwed them up. His father is not in his life (which is a good thing cause his father is a child molester). Dont tell me to kick him out cause that aint gonna happen. I tried to be a good mom and protect my kids but I did not do a good job. His father was abusive and I feel guilty that he had such a tough life and want to help.. But I dunno what to do..

please how can I help my son...

 

I am so sorry you're having trouble with your son, but if you love him you need to give him the very best gift, tough love.  He will never respond to urging, criticism, begging, even insults.  You have to stand strong to make him strong.  Let him know you love him and (1) put a lock on the frig.  Yes, really!  (2) Put a lock on the tv.  Yes,  really1  (3) Insist he get a job and pay rent.  Yes, really!  If he doesn't then he cannot have access to those things.  Make sure you and your daughters have keys, but he does not.  That, of course, is if your daughters are contributing.  No one lives for free and right now you are teaching him that he can.  What would happen if you were not around?  He would find someone else to leech off of, probably some very needy little girl who wants to be loved, and thinks his attention is enough.  You are teaching him to be this kind of person.  It doesn't matter what his father has done, nor what he's done.  You need to start from here, and right now.  At this point you are only hurtinng him.
 
October 23, 2008, 6:58 pm CDT

This is a relationship?

Quote From: tango302

I have been dating a wonderful man for about 13 months. He has two adult children, ages 23 and 27. The 27 year old is currrently going thru a divorce after six years of marriage and has two small children. She has her own home and is relatively self-sufficent. When I met my boyfriend, he was living alone after 28 years of marriage to an alcoholic, prescription drug, compulsive gambler, chain smoking addict. He raised his two children with this woman well into adulthood, then he divorced. The ex-wife still continues her behavior and has a boyfriend she lives with. But she also rents the downstairs of the home from her daughter so she has somewhere to 'stay' when she goes to work, less than an eighth of a mile away. Her primary residence is an apartment just 20 minutes away with her boyfriend. I wanted to give you a little history so that any responses to this message will be from knowledge of background, and not pure emotion.

 

After less than a month dating this man, he told me his son would be moving back in to stay until he gets on his feet. He also had about 15,000.00 in debt that his father paid off for him. The son has a girlfriend that doesn't get along with her mother so after a short time she also moved in. It has been one year and I really don't see any progress towards independance. They are absolute pigs and the once prestine house he had when I first met him no longer exisists. I will come over and there will be the same dishes in the sink for days! Not to mention fresh laundry piled on the couch in a heap, unfolded. Don't even get me started on their bedroom. All I can say is, when and of they ever leave, the carpet needs to be replaced and walls painted/repaired. My boyfriend built this house with his own two hands. And the ex-wife had it during the separation and completely destroyed the interior to the point he had to gut the house and start over!

 

The 'kids' are saving up for a house so my boyfriend does not get any rent or contributions to utilities. They only have to pay for their food. They two combined do not make enough income to handle the 300,000.00 mortgage they are targeting. And the only mortgage they qualify for is a Lease to Own. I bought my own home after my divorce and am self sufficent. Some say a little too independent. But I was raised to be a productive adult when I left my home at the tender age of 18. I have never been back other then to visit. I have had my shares of ups and downs and a failed marriage. My boyfriend is 50 and I am 44. I don't feel we can move on with our relationship as long as the two kids are at home. I want to share a life and home with a man. It's not that these two kids can't make it on their own, but while Dad enables the behavior and allows them free room and board, why should they leave?Heck, if I could live some where for free and bank my monthly mortgage, I'd be financially on my way to being set for life! Plus I could be driving that BMW I always wanted. But alias, I have a mortgage and monthly expenses I have to pay every month.

 

I know he feels guilty for raising his two children with the woman he chose as their mother. He allowed her behavior to control and manipulate the family. This is where the adult children know how to do the same as far as their father is concerned. As an outsider I see this all too well. I do love this man, but not only do I have to deal with the baggage of his marriage but also the plights of the children. The 27 year old girl has called from bars completely drunk, needing a ride home. Seems the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. He should have taken those children away from that dysfunctional relationship  a long time ago, but he stayed due to his deep religious convictions.

 

How do I deal with the frustration I feel? How do I talk contructively with my boyfriend about my feelings? Any insight would be appreciated...

 

Dear girl,  Do not think that you really have a relatioship with this man.  He is not out of his other relationship, and he is caught up in all this dysfunction.  Until he can straighten this mess out, distance yourself.  Save yourself.  You are worth more than this.  You can see with your own eyes what is going on?  This man is not going to leave this until you put your foot down.  If he doesn't do it even then, then you are better off without him.  Pretty soon he will be asking that you show your love by money... for him or for his kids, maybe even for the ex wife.  Do not be suckered in.  This is a mess, and you will be sorrier than you can imagine if you let it continue.  Stand your ground.
 
October 23, 2008, 7:05 pm CDT

Volitile situation

Quote From: oldcargal

i've been married to my wonderful husband just a year.  he has one son - almost 21. my 2 sons, 20, and 25 are living on their own and self sufficient.  my stepson works but pays nothing but his truck payment.  he comes home angry everyday.  he uses one racial slur after another. he is obsessed with his father not spending enough time with him. he has never said one bad thing to me but his actions say plenty!  i feel he considers me an intruder and wishes i would fall off the face of the earth!  his words scare me! he is always saying he wishes his boss would die or that so-and-so would get their head blown off!  i have tried talking to my husband about this but he says it's just "his way." i finally spent the night at my old house one night this week to get away from him.  has anyone out there ever dealt with a situation like this?
Please stand your groung with your husband.  If he refuses to make his son change his attitude and his ways, then leave.  I really think you are in danger.  The son sounds like a rocket ready to explode and your husband sound like a "limp bisquit".  Sorry, but I would not let that happen in my home, nor should you.  Get into therapy if you can with the son.  If that's impossible then I consider your situation impossible.  Leave. 
 
October 23, 2008, 7:09 pm CDT

That's a relationship?

Quote From: oldcargal

please see my message posted just yesterday.  your story is exactly like mine except my stepson is angry and possessive of his father.  i finally expressed this past week that i am scared of the boy.  it didn't go over well because his father is so used to him being angry and violent (has thrown punches at his father more than once). don't marry this man until situation changes!
I cannot imagine anyone staying in a relationship where they have no say-so in what goes on.  Stand your ground and demand that things change or you are outta there!  That's a form of abuse. 
 
October 23, 2008, 7:14 pm CDT

Mommie's boy

Quote From: lovelivinlife

I am dating a guy that I grew up with, I always knew his mother never wanted him or his brother to get married, but now we are in our 40s and have been seeing each other for a year or so, we live 10 hours away from each other, but we can make that work, what will not work is his mother.  He actually told her that we are not seeing each other anymore, to keep her off his back, he can't do anything with out upsetting her.  She is even mad if he goes to work.  We dont see each other on holidays, or birthdays, and I can't call the house, ( he still lives with her ) and I can't send him any mail, I have to send it to his work.  We talk on his way to work and his way home, and at night we chat on the computer.  But she figures he is talking to someone and keeps bothering him.  As I said we have known each other all our lives.  This is now really getting to me.  I planned a surprise weekend up to where he lives about an hour away, and was going to call and say I am at the airport , come get me.  We something told me to just ask him what he would do if I did that, and he said that he would get me at the airport, spend a few hours with me, then he would have to go home because she would be upset if he were not home for dinner, and then he would have a friend of his take me to the airport on Sunday, I cancelled my trip.  I love him , but this is getting old fast.   Please help

Sorry, but most momma's boys never NEVER change.  If you are trying to change him then he is not really the man you want.  You will grow old trying to change this man.  Put your foot down and say what you want.  If he stays with momma you'll know that's what you will always have with this guy.  No excuses.  You can love a man who is whole and who is able to love you, in addition to his momma.  This guy is just giving you a piece of himself.  The Bible says.... cleave to your wife... do you want to be a wife?  I doubt if you even have a chance with this guy.  He's like a scared little mouse with his mother.  Is that what you really want in a man?  Sure, he's loving and sweet and kind... and he will not cleave to you........... EVER. 

 
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