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Topic : Adult Children Living at Home

Number of Replies: 365
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, September 15, 2006, 04:13:09 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Do you or someone you know still have an adult child living at home either out of necessity, or just plain laziness?  Share your stories here.

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October 25, 2008, 6:08 am CDT

Adult Children Living at Home

Quote From: marybb2

Please stand your groung with your husband.  If he refuses to make his son change his attitude and his ways, then leave.  I really think you are in danger.  The son sounds like a rocket ready to explode and your husband sound like a "limp bisquit".  Sorry, but I would not let that happen in my home, nor should you.  Get into therapy if you can with the son.  If that's impossible then I consider your situation impossible.  Leave. 
thank you for your reply.  your advice is exactly what i plan to do.  therapy is out of the question as the boy doesn't think there's anything wrong with him.  we are in the process of moving out soon - next 3 weeks.  son is NOT going with us!  however, he will not be allowed to come to the new house and bring his old behavior! i will either leave or get law enforcement involved!
 
November 18, 2008, 8:48 am CST

HELP!!!!

Here's my story.  A little background.  My husband and I have been together for ten years. From the begining things on his side of family have been MISERABLE.  His whole family has always blamed me for the break-up of his first marriage.  Our kids are night and day.  Mine respect him and have totally accepted him.  His kids have NEVER had any respect for me or accepted me.  I'm of the thinking that you don't have to like me but you will repect me.  That has also caused a LOT of tension.  My husband's oldest son (24 years old) has always been a problem.  He lived with his mother until about a year and a half ago.  She finally kicked him out.  No job, into the computer games and the playstation.  When his mom kicked him out he moved in with the girlfriend. That lives with her parents.  Got a job. Got a driver's license. Bought a car. Finally growing up.  Or so everone thought. After he had his car for a month he totaled it.  2 weeks later lost his job.  So, this was in Feb.  He didn't file for unemployment.  Why I can't figure out to save my life. Didn't bother to even try to find another job.  Her family finally got tired of him sitting on his lazy butt and told him to get out.  And just where did he end up you ask.  My house.

He's been here since Aug.  My husband and I have tried to do the right things to help him have the best possibility of making a start.  Cell phone, computer, taking him out to meet people his own age, use of a vehicle.  And in return we have gotten NOTHING. Not even the attempt to find a job.  He has lied.  He does that just about every day.  He's not grateful for anything.  Cell phone for example. We got that 2 days after he got here and his response was..."UH".  Not thank you. Not great. "UH".  I hate weekends because he's bound and determined to cause drama drama drama every weekend.  Actually called his mother to tell her just how mean I was being because after the first month he was here I quit FOLDING his laundry.  I know that i shouldn't even be doing it but my plumbing bites.  We are horrible crazy people because we wanted the toilet seat put down. Sorry don't want the animals drinking out out of the toilet.  That was the crazyest thing that he had ever heard of.  My husband works 12 hours a day. Puts a roof over his head, money in his pocket, food in his stomach and the can't even come out of his room to say hello to his father.

And he blames all his problems on me and his parents.  You would think that he was the frist child of divorced parents.  He was 14 when his parents split and he's stuck there.  There's not a soul in the world that can understand how he feels.  Poor Poor him. I'm sorry after 4 months get a frigging JOB.   I say throw his lazy disrespectful ungrateful butt out.  But he continues to pour the guilt trip on my husband.  Grow up get a job and be a man.  Am I wrong?  How do I keep the peace?  How do I save my marriage?  How do we motivate this adult child to grow up???????????????

Shannon

 
November 18, 2008, 1:27 pm CST

exactly

Quote From: jaimie1974

You arent going to change this kid but you can change the way that you react and interact with him. Whatever youve been doing, do the opposite. When he gives his dad the guilt trip act, what do you & dad do? Do you become silent? Do you try to explain yourself? You shouldnt; ONE Im sorry, maybe there were things I could have done better or differently, but the past is the past. Now you are an adult and how you run your life is up to you, it has nothing to do with me speech is all he should need. No more babying! Why doesnt dad give him a specific date to get a job by, and tell him if he doesnt have employment by that point, he has to leave? That is a very reasonable request from a parent. This guy is 24!! A full grown man! Not a baby, not an adolescent. It is time to take off the kid gloves otherwise he will never grow up. If he continues to be a child-man, and you & your husband allow it, you are actually contributing to his lack of maturity. You dont want to be a party to that, do you? I wish you the best! I know this isnt easy; and believe me, it does get worse before it gets better, but by actively creating positive changes in your home, it will get better.

First, THANK YOU for the response!!!!!!!!!  We've had the 'things could have been done different' conversation with the apoligies ect.  We have tried the silent road. We have tried the talk things out road.

Daddy's problem is that he has told him on more than one occasion (I KNOW the first should have been the last!!!) have a job or be doing SOMETHING, i.e. volunteer, school. That day comes and he starts the guilt thing all over again. When he plays that card daddy  caves.  I say throw his butt out.  I think that we have done our best. But there in lies the question. Is there something that we have't done or tried. I know it's not helping him.  That's why I'm ready to walk out. I don't want to be a part of it anymore. But on the other hand I don't want to be done with my marriage.

Again, THANK YOU!!!  Your response lets me know I'm not totally out in left feild.

 
November 22, 2008, 8:40 am CST

Maybe I'm too mean

My husbands 37 year old son has lived with us about 1/2 of the time we've been together...we've been together 12 years..he has lived with us for 5 of those.  He doesn't seem to be able to stay with a job for very long or know what he wants......he usually only works in the summer and then goes on unemployment insurance for the winter.....he stays in his room and plays video games....no girlfriend...no friends ....my husband paid for him to go to school, but he quit after a month or so.....in the last 6 months he says he wants to be ...an electrician, a hypnotist, a heating and refrigeration tech, a mechanic........I think it is time he got out on his own, had some responsibility.....made his own way in the world.  My husband feels guilty, because of his divorce 25 years ago.  It is the only thing we argue about.  Maybe I'm being too hard about this.  I try not to say anything at all, because I guess it's none of my business. My husband works away from home for 10 days at a time and only comes home every other weekend.  I am pretty much just retreating into my own little world....I hate confrontations!!!
 
December 9, 2008, 5:36 pm CST

What to do

I am the 8th of ten children.  My father recently passed away and my younger brother and his wife and child occupies his home.  His will states that his assets get divided ten ways.  It has been found out that two if not three of my siblings took advantage of my dads money when he was alive.  They even went out as far as taking out credit cards under my dads name and putting death insurance on them because he had a terminal illness.  I dont know how to deal with the disguist that I have for these family members.  We were told not to enter my fathers home after his death and I respected that, but these same family members cleaned house while we were waiting patiently to go through his personal belongings.  Now my younger brother lives in a house that is 1/10th mine and does not pay any rent, he promises to pay the realestate taxes.  I dont understand why his is living there.  He claims that he wants to buy the house but has not produced an offer to purchase.  I have so much anger and rage inside of me from all of this, that I cant even face any of my family members.  They to me are letting this happen.  What do I do.

 
December 11, 2008, 11:56 pm CST

I am an adult child that can't break free

I am so disappointed with life. I am 23 years old and I'm in college....but I'm still stuck with my mom who WILL not let go.... she has never taught me to drive..... I learned but could never get my license... I've been begging but with no hope... I have to ask to go anywhere, even with my own boyfriend. She calls me continuously to "check on me" and she expects me to take care of all the household responsibilities.
I feel like a live in maid. Even when I have classes I need to study for and maybe a life, I have to cook, clean, see if she's paid bills. And my grandmother passed recently and now I totally feel there is no hope for me because she was the only one I could talk to about my frustration with all of this. She was my only friend I had. She was the only one who tried to help me. I really don't have anyone my age besides my boyfriend because I can't hang out with them or go meet them to do anything.... I feel so stuck in these four walls. Even at school.... I use to live on campus but due to financial and family obligations Im back here being dropped off and picked up. It is not fair I'm still treated like a child and no one will give me the tools to be an adult. I would like to just get a job and move on with my life, but all my grandmother wanted was for me to finish school. I couldn't get a job if I wanted to because everytime I get an application they ask for your DL number, insurance, and "the bus is not reliable transportation".  I'm waiting on my bf to get on his feet, he is a recent grad....but I don't want to get married as a way out... I want it because of love....but it seems there is no other way....I love my mom...but I can't keep on like this....not when I see other people living their life and I can't.
 
December 12, 2008, 10:22 am CST

You're motivated, that's good....

Quote From: fcmsvc

I am so disappointed with life. I am 23 years old and I'm in college....but I'm still stuck with my mom who WILL not let go.... she has never taught me to drive..... I learned but could never get my license... I've been begging but with no hope... I have to ask to go anywhere, even with my own boyfriend. She calls me continuously to "check on me" and she expects me to take care of all the household responsibilities.
I feel like a live in maid. Even when I have classes I need to study for and maybe a life, I have to cook, clean, see if she's paid bills. And my grandmother passed recently and now I totally feel there is no hope for me because she was the only one I could talk to about my frustration with all of this. She was my only friend I had. She was the only one who tried to help me. I really don't have anyone my age besides my boyfriend because I can't hang out with them or go meet them to do anything.... I feel so stuck in these four walls. Even at school.... I use to live on campus but due to financial and family obligations Im back here being dropped off and picked up. It is not fair I'm still treated like a child and no one will give me the tools to be an adult. I would like to just get a job and move on with my life, but all my grandmother wanted was for me to finish school. I couldn't get a job if I wanted to because everytime I get an application they ask for your DL number, insurance, and "the bus is not reliable transportation".  I'm waiting on my bf to get on his feet, he is a recent grad....but I don't want to get married as a way out... I want it because of love....but it seems there is no other way....I love my mom...but I can't keep on like this....not when I see other people living their life and I can't.

You can do it.  You are still young, that is good.  Can you imagine trying to break free after 5 or 10 more years of this??? 

You cannot wait on nor rely on your mother to let go.   Cut her out of this equation.  Your mother is your mother, and that's great.  But often adult children need to take the bull by the horns to move things along.  In your adult life this will happen multiple times (choice of job, choice of spouse, house to buy, when to have kids, how many to have,how to raise them, etc, etc).  Regardless, you need to learn to take your own focus off of your mother and turn your own engergy toward what is needed in your life.  Carry and conduct yourself as an adult.  Stop basing your life's direction on what your mother is or is not doing.  You're obviously going to have give yourself the tools.

How many jobs have you applied for & were turned down for?  What type of jobs?  Have you checked about jobs on campus?  How about a job even near campus,that you could walk to from there?  Can your boyfriend teach you to drive and you practice w/ his car?   When you say you learned but couldn't  get your license, what does that mean?  Did you fail the test?

How much longer in school do you have?   

 
December 19, 2008, 3:47 pm CST

Adult Children Living at Home

Quote From: fourlilmonkeys

You can do it.  You are still young, that is good.  Can you imagine trying to break free after 5 or 10 more years of this??? 

You cannot wait on nor rely on your mother to let go.   Cut her out of this equation.  Your mother is your mother, and that's great.  But often adult children need to take the bull by the horns to move things along.  In your adult life this will happen multiple times (choice of job, choice of spouse, house to buy, when to have kids, how many to have,how to raise them, etc, etc).  Regardless, you need to learn to take your own focus off of your mother and turn your own engergy toward what is needed in your life.  Carry and conduct yourself as an adult.  Stop basing your life's direction on what your mother is or is not doing.  You're obviously going to have give yourself the tools.

How many jobs have you applied for & were turned down for?  What type of jobs?  Have you checked about jobs on campus?  How about a job even near campus,that you could walk to from there?  Can your boyfriend teach you to drive and you practice w/ his car?   When you say you learned but couldn't  get your license, what does that mean?  Did you fail the test?

How much longer in school do you have?   

Thanks for the reply and motivation. I have one year of school left and my campus is 45 min away from my home. I've applied for many actually, but they have told me I have the skills but because I do not have a car, I cannot work for them. I had a job that I lost because I needed my own vehicle to go out and promote for them. My bf's car was totaled and now he uses the bus. I use the bus to get to school as well... I did learn to drive but I was never taken to the DMV to get my license and no one ever has time to do this for me. Not even my few family members will help because they don't want to cross her. It is to the point were I can't go to school because due to her lack of tax filing I can't get financial aid and now have an outstanding balance. I would love to just pack my bags and leave but a job that will hire me using the bus will not cover the cost of living. I could grin and bear it until I have enough money saved up but at the same time that could get me kicked out since it isn't her plan... When I mentioned going to grad school I was threatned to be kicked out..it wasn't her idea.

 
December 19, 2008, 3:50 pm CST

Adult Children Living at Home

Quote From: jaimie1974

As the previous poster said, you are motivated and that is the #1 key to creating change. Of course you love your mom; you always will. My advice for you is to take baby steps towards change. You have dreams of being on your own & that will be great, but until then, begin your life.

The one and only person who is in control of creating positive changes in your life is YOU.

Regarding a job - a DL number is the same as a social security number and every employer will need that information. Public transportation seems like a reliable way of getting around; there are set bus routes with predictable, routine stops- nothing unreliable about it at all! It might not be the most comfortable way of getting around, but it is something you'll get used to. Creating change is difficult, there is no doubt about that, but once you begin doing it you will begin to feel so much better about your life & your future. I wish you the best!

get this.... the applications say "the bus is NOT reliable transportation"

 

I think that is discriminatory!

 
December 22, 2008, 10:01 am CST

Think big is good idea

Quote From: fcmsvc

Thanks for the reply and motivation. I have one year of school left and my campus is 45 min away from my home. I've applied for many actually, but they have told me I have the skills but because I do not have a car, I cannot work for them. I had a job that I lost because I needed my own vehicle to go out and promote for them. My bf's car was totaled and now he uses the bus. I use the bus to get to school as well... I did learn to drive but I was never taken to the DMV to get my license and no one ever has time to do this for me. Not even my few family members will help because they don't want to cross her. It is to the point were I can't go to school because due to her lack of tax filing I can't get financial aid and now have an outstanding balance. I would love to just pack my bags and leave but a job that will hire me using the bus will not cover the cost of living. I could grin and bear it until I have enough money saved up but at the same time that could get me kicked out since it isn't her plan... When I mentioned going to grad school I was threatned to be kicked out..it wasn't her idea.

I very much agree w/ the above advice given by jamie1974.    And once you put some space, (physical, financial and emotional) between you and your mother, you can eventually work toward building a new, more age-appopriate relationship w/ your mother.  Before that, though, you need to learn to think about YOUR OWN LIFE.  Consider it as this: you have been brainswashed to focus on what your mother wants/needs.  You need to get yourself un-brainwashed first.  I know it seems scary, as over-controlling, over-demanding parents like this don't give you the skills to learn this (because they want to keep you dependent)...and you've been taught to fear independence (either through fear of your mothers reaction or believe you just can't pull it off yourself).    I think taking a leap of faith in yourself might be warranted.  I think the best way for you to start un-brainwashig yourself is just to get out from under her.  Your mother is dysfunctional about this.  It is what it is.  She is what she is.   You can allow her to continue to drive your relationship w/ her and your life, but you will continue to get the same results you have always gotten.  Otherwise, the person who has to make the change is YOU.

 

 
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