Topic : Adult Children Living at Home

I would confront your husband and tell him that he is not helping his daughter by ignoring her bad attitude, he is infact making it worse by ignoring the situation. First of all? She takes drugs,( you found pot she had ), and she smokes pot? She could be doing harder drugs, she totaled her car, she drinks liqiuor, etc... this will only lead her to harm, she will either end up in a hospital with bad life threatening injurys, or end up dead. Im afraid the only thing to do to help her? Is to throw her out of the house, change the locks on your doors, and call the police if she keeps banging on the door to get back in. Its tough Love, and it is NOT going to be easy. Nobody wants to see their child living on a street, and guilt will make you want to let her back in, BUT DONT DO IT, Unless? She promises to straighten up, go to rehab to help with her drinking, her anger and her drugs. And she would also have to agree to respect you, and get up every morning to go look for work, and set a deadline when she must have a job, or she will be thrown back out. I realize this will NOT be easy, but really? this will be her wake up call. Nobody wants to live on the streets, ( by the way? she wouldnt probally live on the street, she will probally stay at a friends house for a few days, until she is kicked out of there ), she will realize how much she misses a roof over her head and free hot meals everyday. This will hopefully straighten her out, and make her realize, she needs to change now. Tell her calmly, she must leave, because you care too much about her, to watch her throw her life away, and that you are doing this for her. She will be very angry, but this will be a eye opening for her, and possiably save her life. I know a few people who had to do this? And it worked out excellent. Just my opinion, but this is what I would do, its tough love, but would be the best for everyone.

And it will make you feel guilty, with thoughts of, " what if something happens to her after we throw her out?". But a better question would be? " why didnt we help her, because now its too late".

Good Luck.

I have been trying for months to get my system to allow me on the Dr Phil boards!

When my husband an I were younger (early 20's) we had to move back with his parents after the home we were renting part of from another couple was being sold (they were divorcing).  We spent months trying to find even a small apartment that would allow us to keep our pets that was within an hour of work and school.  The rents had become outrageous! 

Well, we moved in with the agreement (made by US) that we would pay half of what we would have spent in rent, bank the other half  since we would not be paying utilities (and do our laundry out of the house) and also help with repairs to the house (drastically needed). 

We spent about two years there, helped with as many prohects as we could get my inlaws to do (hoarders anf FIL cannot see that while he can get one small portion of the house done to perfection, the rest was falling down around them) and as soon as we had enough for a SMALL house, we moved out.  This was back in the early 1990's.  It was shocked by how many friends of ours were moving back, not paying rent, not contributing, etc.  We are older Gen-Xers but had parents that taught us a work ethic and if we needed help, it would be there but never for free once we were adults.  It was either go to college full time (and work part time) or work full time and pay rent and become tenants as opposed to leeches.

I am shocked at what I am seeing now!  And even my own peers moving in with parents so they can live an extravagant lifestyle they could not afford if they were paying a rent or mortgage!

I am now an at-home mom and hopefully will instill in my children the values and self-reliance my parent and inlaws gave us!

I am not trying to finger point at those who are trying to help adult children out of dangerous situations, especially when there are grandchildren involved.

I am referring to adult children who refuse to grow up and get out and care for themselves.  With some I know doing this it is because they know the parents will allow themselves to be manipulated by the dear baby and WHY should baby grow up?  Sometimes it is a case of parents not wanting to alienate the kids.  Other times it is the parent does not want the child to grow up.  Other times it is the child was never taught to manage money, plan financially, etc. 

My feeling is regardless of why child is moving back in there must be:

1 - BOUNDARIES.  This is your house, not the child's.  If you do not want parties, "sleepovers", etc., it is YOUR perrogative to state and enforce this. 

2 - RENT AND UTILITIES.  Living anywhere else would have someone pay rent or mortgage.  And do not allow excuses for late payment.   No landlord or bank would tolerate it.

3 - RULES.  Food, hours, noise, etc.  Again, this is your house and an adult child must be expected to handle rules as if he/she were in a boarding house, etc,

4 - TIME LIMITS.  How long before they have to have a job (even flipping burgers, at one point my husband and I were working three and four jobs between the two of us) and start paying before they must find another place NO FREE RIDES.

5 - BANK ACCOUNT.  They must have an account and be paying into it our better yet if you fear they will use the money for fun, you take out an account and deposit the rent or what you do not need to help pay for the extra body in the house and keep that account.  When you give that time limit for them to get out, you can help them invest the money, use it for getting into their own place, etc. 

But remember, no adult child can mooch off of you unless you allow it.  Even those you are helping get out of a bad situation must also be taught to care for themselves and be selfsufficient in a healthier way.

And for any child doing illegal drugs in the house, IMMEDIATE eviction.  Why?  In some areas even if they are ving with you, if you knowingly allow it, YOU can lose your house.

I have been a single parent most of my life.  I only have 1 daughter who is now 22 years old. My husband and I sent her two years ago to a life skills program and a alcohol rehabilitation program. At the end of her program we were moving her to NYC, to attend school. During our summer vacation I found on her cell phone a very disturbing sexual video of herself. This prompted a confrontation with her by were she admited that she had been told at the rehabilation program that she was a sex addict. This of course led us not to leave her in NYC and she returned home with us to Miami. We enlisted a therapist for her in hopes to help her unveil her promblems. We had a talk with her upon getting home of the house rules, her seeking employment and registering for the next semester of college. Well, since she has been home we learned that she had been drinking on and off while away in her life skills program, and has had several episodes at home, one that drove her out of the house for 3 days. We set a date for her to move out and find employment, she just missed that date and although I have offered to drive her to interviews, look at apts, she sleeps all day long and sits infront of the computer for dinners, lunches as if she lives alone.  She continuosly states she can't find a job or a resonably priced apt.  She is out just about every weekday and does not tell us were she is going and or when she leaves.

My husband and I fight about it, I love my daughter but need help on how to get her out of the house, independent and responsible.

My daughter has been my life, and being nice to her simply does not work. 

PLEASE help me!

I think you need to get tough with your boyfriend. Let him know clearly that you will not tolerate his and his brother's mooching behaviour that is clearly affecting you. I would get out, even if it's painful at first. I do belive that you would be sending a clear message and example that might later resonate with them both, particularly with your boyfriend.  I am sure it's not easy since you obviously love him (boyfriend) but you need to love you, your well being more. In other words respect your beliefs and do not allow yourself to accept less than you belive that you need to put yourself through.

Hope you can find the courage,

Rosemary in Miami

Your boyfriend “blames” his brother for pulling him down, yet at the same time, he does nothing at all to improve his life? That just doesn’t make sense. Its as though he is trying to say, “its not my fault!” but that simply doesn’t hold water- because it clearly is his fault; he can’t even blame it on his brother at this point- because he is the one making the choice, every day, day after day, to do nothing to improve himself or his life.

When you made that ultimatum to your boyfriend that if his brother isn’t gone by Thanksgiving you will be- I hope that you were fully prepared to go through with it. Dr. Phil’s first rule of making ultimatums is not to make them; but if you do, you must be prepared to follow through on it. It sounds like you have every reason to follow through with it, it is reasonable for you to want the person that you love and care for to be happy with his life and to be a productive, contributing citizen to society. If he can’t do this for you, and he can’t do it for himself, then he never will. It might be difficult to really walk away, but the right thing to do usually is the hardest thing to do. This has been going on for a long time, so it is obvious that your boyfriend wants to live like this. You know that you want more, and you know that you deserve more! Best wishes.

As a parent yourself, you know that you want your kids to be self-sufficient, productive members of society. Your boyfriend’s mother, however, has different ideas about parenthood! She wants her baby boys to live with her and to be dependant upon her, that is what makes her happy. This is very selfish of her, it is very self-serving. She isn’t doing her grown children any favors by not holding them to any standard of responsibility.

There isn’t anything you can do about this, though. The only thing that you can do is focus on the one and only person that you do have any control over, and that is YOU. You said you feel that it is time to move on, and from what you have described, that sounds like the only rational solution. You can’t continue to live like this forever, having a boyfriend who doesn’t work, who lives with his momma, and has no goals in life. You need and deserve so much more, I urge you to go after all that you deserve and don’t settle for scraps ever again! Best of luck to you.