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Topic : Adult Children Living at Home

Number of Replies: 365
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, September 15, 2006, 04:13:09 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Do you or someone you know still have an adult child living at home either out of necessity, or just plain laziness?  Share your stories here.

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November 10, 2006, 3:32 pm CST

MY DAUGHTER IS WASTING AWAY

I have been a single parent most of my life.  I only have 1 daughter who is now 22 years old. My husband and I sent her two years ago to a life skills program and a alcohol rehabilitation program. At the end of her program we were moving her to NYC, to attend school. During our summer vacation I found on her cell phone a very disturbing sexual video of herself. This prompted a confrontation with her by were she admited that she had been told at the rehabilation program that she was a sex addict. This of course led us not to leave her in NYC and she returned home with us to Miami. We enlisted a therapist for her in hopes to help her unveil her promblems. We had a talk with her upon getting home of the house rules, her seeking employment and registering for the next semester of college. Well, since she has been home we learned that she had been drinking on and off while away in her life skills program, and has had several episodes at home, one that drove her out of the house for 3 days. We set a date for her to move out and find employment, she just missed that date and although I have offered to drive her to interviews, look at apts, she sleeps all day long and sits infront of the computer for dinners, lunches as if she lives alone.  She continuosly states she can't find a job or a resonably priced apt.  She is out just about every weekday and does not tell us were she is going and or when she leaves.

 

My husband and I fight about it, I love my daughter but need help on how to get her out of the house, independent and responsible.

 

My daughter has been my life, and being nice to her simply does not work. 

 

PLEASE help me!

 

 
November 12, 2006, 3:47 am CST

Frustrated!

This is along the lines of adult children living at home. My boyfriend of 4 years has an identical twin brother that lives with him in my boyfriend's house. His brother has not worked for seven YEARS. My boyfriend used to be a very successful attorney, so it didn't seem like a big deal to let the leech move in-but due to a lay off which led to mirroring his brother's less than ambitious way of life, they now both do nothing all day everyday. My boyfriend blames his brother for pulling him down with him but does nothing to try to shove this big fat birdie out of the nest. The brother doesn't pay his share of rent/utilities/food/gas money..he just charges his expenses to his credit card (or my boyfriends--they're identical, he takes my bf's ID and credit cards) and asks mommy and daddy for money to pay them off. Either way my boyfriend doesn't see a dime.  My boyfriend's beautiful half million dollar house is a pig sty because the brother is a slob and my boyfriend refuses to clean up after him. I've been begging my boyfriend for over a year to shove his brother back to their parents house 300 miles away to deal with him but they don't want him either-I'm so fed up that I told him if he's not gone by Thanksgiving, I will be.
 
November 12, 2006, 7:35 am CST

Frustrated

Quote From: catolson

This is along the lines of adult children living at home. My boyfriend of 4 years has an identical twin brother that lives with him in my boyfriend's house. His brother has not worked for seven YEARS. My boyfriend used to be a very successful attorney, so it didn't seem like a big deal to let the leech move in-but due to a lay off which led to mirroring his brother's less than ambitious way of life, they now both do nothing all day everyday. My boyfriend blames his brother for pulling him down with him but does nothing to try to shove this big fat birdie out of the nest. The brother doesn't pay his share of rent/utilities/food/gas money..he just charges his expenses to his credit card (or my boyfriends--they're identical, he takes my bf's ID and credit cards) and asks mommy and daddy for money to pay them off. Either way my boyfriend doesn't see a dime.  My boyfriend's beautiful half million dollar house is a pig sty because the brother is a slob and my boyfriend refuses to clean up after him. I've been begging my boyfriend for over a year to shove his brother back to their parents house 300 miles away to deal with him but they don't want him either-I'm so fed up that I told him if he's not gone by Thanksgiving, I will be.

I think you need to get tough with your boyfriend. Let him know clearly that you will not tolerate his and his brother's mooching behaviour that is clearly affecting you. I would get out, even if it's painful at first. I do belive that you would be sending a clear message and example that might later resonate with them both, particularly with your boyfriend.  I am sure it's not easy since you obviously love him (boyfriend) but you need to love you, your well being more. In other words respect your beliefs and do not allow yourself to accept less than you belive that you need to put yourself through.

 

Hope you can find the courage,

 

Rosemary in Miami

 
November 12, 2006, 10:41 am CST

boyfriend living with mom at 52

 
  My boyfriend moved home with his mom, while he had lost his job after had not been paid for 8 months, he never tried to do anything all those months because he was getting free rent and a vehicle. He was the caretaker. Since he went home to his mother's he has seemed to loose interest in finding a job. 
      his 44 year old brother and son ahve been living with her for years, not paying rent, buying food or anything else. My boyfriend  has no money either but they are pretty close and he does help her. The problem is, his mom has enabled both of them to move back in when ever they want. and has kind of turned both of them into losers.
      i am not sure how to approach him on this, since Iam pretty close to his mom and don't want to create a problem.  He was going to look for a job, then she told him to wait so he could helpt her fix the house and the rentals, this could take a very long time.
       He always ran back to his mom when his previous woman and he had a fight.
   i think  he is like a little kid and feel i need to move on.
        my kids know they have to work out their own personal problems and cannot come home and live with me unless they pay rent and do things around the house.
          Smokey
 
November 13, 2006, 6:59 pm CST

Do I let 23 year old son move back home????

My 23 year old son called today and wants to move back home. My 18 year old still lives at home and says he doesn't  have a problem with it but thinks that we should lay down rules. My husband is against it. The problem is 3 years ago we let him move home and gave the rules that he buy his own pop and snack foods, that he not go onto certain sites on my computer and that he keep his room clean. Well, he was staying up all night playing games on my computer and going onto sites he was asked not to. There was a disagreement, guess you could actually call it an altercation, his bedroom was on the second floor, while my computer and my husband and mines bedroom was on the first floor. Needless to say with him staying up all night, we could not be intimate, so one night we told him that he needed to get off the computer and go to bed or go watch TV in his room, this caused a big problem which led to him head-butting my husband in the nose. He was told he had to go. Since then we have moved. He and my younger son were working at the same place and went to a company party, he brought my younger son home. The first thing that bothered me was that he consumed alcohol while at the party and he was driving. The second thing was that when they got here, my husband and I were in my office off of the master bedroom, which is at the far back of the house, and he got onto my younger sons computer without permission. When my younger son told him to get off his computer, he started punching my younger son in the face and head, my younger son was only 17 at the time. I don't know if I can trust him. I am the only one that is able to keep the peace with all 3 of them and I work full time and go to college full time. My husband is laid off and the son that wants to move home has lost his job. The  younger son just got a new full time job. The problem is that I am afraid that if we let our 23 year old son move back home I may come home one day to someone being badly hurt, or killed, or someone being in jail. I don't need the added stress. Help !!!!!!!! What do I do???? He is my son and I love him, but this would be the second time he has moved back home.   PLEASE HELP
 
November 14, 2006, 6:01 am CST

hello

I know a kid who cant control his anger he is 13 and needs help but he is scared for his life for he lives in a town that has nothing and no one wants to help the town he sees his only brother being sent back to jail all the time and he has 3 sisters and 1 brother and only a mom his dad walked out on him when he was 6 so he has no one his mom has to work all the time and he is a nice kid when he is not with his family but then when he comes home he is a jerk well what should i tell him??
 
November 18, 2006, 8:13 am CST

Am I being too lenient?

My eldest daughter (27) moved home pregnant (father of baby not involved) to save money for maternity leave, which was to be ten weeks.  Now she doesn't want to go back to work (ten wks almost up).  She wants to work part time and keep breastfeeding.  Of course I know that's what's best for my grandson, but I'm beginning to feel awkward.  She wants to continue living with me and just make enough to pay her credit cards, cell phone, and car pmt.  I would pay for everything else.  She's a nice girl and helps around the house and is a great mother to my little grandson and I don't mind her company, but I'm wondering if this is good for our relationship.  She wants to begin working full time again when the baby is six months old.  Should I just give her that time limit and then she can again be on her own?  She also wants to know if I want to take care of the baby while she works.  I'm tempted (he's so cute), but do I want to do that at 54 yrs. old?  I'm a widow on a pension and I can afford the situation for a short period of time.  What do you think, my Dr. Phil Friends?
 
November 20, 2006, 7:08 am CST

No Light at the End of Tunnel

I  don't know where to start  really. I have 4 boys ages 19 to 26. 3  live at home right now.  The 19yr old is no  problem,  couldn't  ask for  better.  The 24 yr  just  came back home, getting a divorce.  He has 2  kids  so my house is quite  crowded  when he has them. I have a 22 yr  old that we cannot do a thing with. Honestly I am embarrassed he is my son. He is into drugs, meth usally. He cannot hold a job. Been in an out of jail a few times. Been hit on the head and left for dead 3 hrs from home. Nothing sinks into him. He is very disrespectful. He has no problem telling you he does drugs or that his friends come to get him here to get it for them. We tell him over and over he cannot use our phone and no one can come over here. My son and I do not get along at all. If I say something to him its always f---- You. Or shut the h--- up. I tell him to leave, he sasy no he dont have to, that this is his house. He tells me he will burn it down. I know this is the drugs talking but there is so much tension between him and I. He has no problem hitting me or pushing me. My husband and I have done everything for him. More than we ever did the others. My husband is the stepdad. He gave him his truck when he got a job, not gave but set up payments. He made 2 payments out of 3 months so took the truck back because he lost his job. Now its my fault he has no job because we took the truck. He tells me I am the worst mother ever. We paid over 3000 in fines for him, bailed him out of jail. Wheh he is told he cant  do something here, then he calls my hsuband names. I have had to break up a few fights. He cannot get along with anyone in the family. We lock our bedroom door when we leave, come home and he has broken in. He dont care. I know everyone will say kick him out. Where does he go? No job, no money. He will start crying everytime I tell him I do not want him here, he says he will kill himself and take someone with him. I cannot get help for him because we are not financially wealthy enought for that. He eats us out of house and home. When my husband is at work he will crank the tv up and wont turn it down when I tell him. We have locked him out but he just beats on the doors. My marriage is going to fall apart because of this. My mother is here right now for the winter and she has witnessed these things. He has hit me in front of her. I am so frustrated that sometimes I just want to run and run fast. We tell him not to smoke on our furniture, only a few months old, because he just lets his ashesfall and has put several burn marks in our furniture. There is no repect at all. If we put him in the street, he will not make it. Yet if he stays here my marriage or myself wont make it because I cannot take it anymore. I have to sit in my bedroom all day with door locked until my husband comes home from work.
He will stay up here for 3 0r 4 days then sleep that many.
I dont know what I am looking for here, because I know the answer I will be given. I need to just vent and vent badly before I lose my sanity.
 
November 20, 2006, 5:15 pm CST

I could use some help with a similar problem

Quote From: jaimie1974

You are right, the advice that you know that  you are going to receive is easier said than done, but what choice do you have?
Have you and your husband considered carefully planning an intervention for your son? I encourage you to do some research on the treatment options available to your son, perhaps contact these organizations and have them send you some literature, etc. There are also support groups for families living in the same situation that you are, and I encourage you to seek information about that in your area also. There is al-anon, you can get basic information about that by doing a search on the internet, educate yourself on what options you do have, because you shouldnt be living this way, feeling trapped. You are doing your best, but, you are merely surviving at this time, and if you take a step back, look at the big picture- you arent doing your son any favors by allowing this all to continue. Tough love isnt easy, of course you will worry about him, but it isnt fair for you to be held hostage under your own roof like this! I wish you the best, and I also encourage you to find time in your day to do something just for yourself.
 I am currently dating a 36 year-old man that is living in his mother's basement. He visits me at bed-time and leaves after breakfast. If we go out, it is him and his mother in the front seat and I sit in the back. Am I being selfish in thinking I'm a "third wheel"?
 
November 20, 2006, 5:19 pm CST

Dating and relationship advice please

  I am currently dating a 36 year-old man that is living in his mother's basement. When he does come to visit, he comes at bed-time and leaves after I feed him breakfast. If we go out, it is him and his mother in the front seat and I sit in the back. Am I being selfish in thinking I'm a "third wheel"?
 
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