Message Boards

Topic : Adult Children Living at Home

Number of Replies: 365
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, September 15, 2006, 04:13:09 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Do you or someone you know still have an adult child living at home either out of necessity, or just plain laziness?  Share your stories here.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

November 21, 2006, 2:56 am CST

Adult Children Living at Home

Quote From: jaimie1974

You are right, the advice that you know that  you are going to receive is easier said than done, but what choice do you have?
Have you and your husband considered carefully planning an intervention for your son? I encourage you to do some research on the treatment options available to your son, perhaps contact these organizations and have them send you some literature, etc. There are also support groups for families living in the same situation that you are, and I encourage you to seek information about that in your area also. There is al-anon, you can get basic information about that by doing a search on the internet, educate yourself on what options you do have, because you shouldnt be living this way, feeling trapped. You are doing your best, but, you are merely surviving at this time, and if you take a step back, look at the big picture- you arent doing your son any favors by allowing this all to continue. Tough love isnt easy, of course you will worry about him, but it isnt fair for you to be held hostage under your own roof like this! I wish you the best, and I also encourage you to find time in your day to do something just for yourself.
How are you supposed to get someone into treatment when they refuse to go? I can go to meetings yes, but I would still have to come home to the same thing here. I don't know, I am just very discouraged right now. Sometimes I feel I failed him somewhere along the way. I keep holding out hope that I can change him, if I don't give up on him. I find myself wishing horrible things, like wishing he would end up in jail or worse, just to end my own misery that he is causing me, then I hate myself for them terrible thoughts. If I called the law on him and had him removed he would only come back and if he ended up in jail then I would feel guilty that I put him there. I dont know what to do. At times I feel it would be easier to end my pain another way because I cant do this now more.
 
November 29, 2006, 11:28 pm CST

a i wrong?

when I married my husband (9/04) he had custody of his 3 grandboys ages 3, 4, 5, I myself have 4 children 25 my girl working on her masters degree in animal science, my 16 year old boy who resides with his daddy and my 14 and 10 year old who both live with me,my 10 year olds daddy was killed in 2003, my husband adopted him, it was completed in Jan. of this year. We were very busy with all these children I had taken care of my own and made it perfectly clear I could handle the up bringing of my boys on my own, my husband worked 90 miles one way, did this drive 5 days a week I worked about 19 miles away as a clerk, ranch hand, and feed loader. in the mornings I took the 3 babies to daycare my other 2 to my sisters to catch the bus I refused to leave them alone on the dirt road. then arrive at work by 7 and work till 5:30 -6:00. Leave pick the younger 3 up and meet my other 2 boys at home start supper and get ready for the next day, I am an insulin dependant diabetic. The stress was really getting to me and I began horrible near death insulin reactions no ,matter how I monitered myself, it was too much my husband then insisted some other family members help us with these children, I couldn't stop working to stay at home and raise them it was too much for me,and at the same time I couldn't quit working to stay at home to better take care of myself because the texas workforce had regulations on how many hours I worked a week so they would help with the daycare funds. We were so busy doing for the boys there was no time to do things with them,it was so hectic,  I tried very hard and i think if I were younger I could have done a better job and stuck with it but my body was breaking down, my husband and I finally got some help from the boys Mom's Mom and they now reside with her. They were taken out of there home from CPS because of neglect and abuse,one night the mom was bathing the youngest and oldest together and was high and had a house full of people so she decided to go out for milk and bread and   leave          the boys in the tub and the party people to keep an eye on them,their daddy my husbands son was out partying. well the baby was severly burned on his feet they had to do skin graphs on them remove skin from his upper legs it was horrible. My husband got custody with the notion the mom and dad would straightened  out ,       they              didn't their        drug       levels went up they didn't work and continued to get high. My husband blame  his son's behavior on the his girlfriend mother of boys. he had gotten custody in 2003, the boys are still not with their parents , the mother was murdered in april of this year and my stepson has gone off with the carnival and          traveled with them now for about a year an a half. right now he is incarsarated in florida, was picked up 2 weeks ago for pot and cocaine, he gets out the 13th of december time served has to pay a court fine and then plans on moving in with us. no job my husband is going to try to get him on where he now works. since july of last year he has changed employment and now travels about 15 miles one way, left my job last july also. My husband takes care of us and is very dedicated i feel so selfish because I don't  know how  to help his boy i don't know how and i think we are making the wrong move in letting him stay with us. he has in the meantime had a another baby who the mother alone is raising and he doesn't care, he is  28 years old 4 children in jail and now my husband thinks the time he will spend will striaghten him up and my husband says he too will help him with his drug habits,watch him that is. I'm scared and worried about my boys, about my husband if he moves in with us all my privacy is gone, in fact this time last year he was  incarsarated for marijuina . how do i handle this I can't keep my husband from helping his children but whenever they need help its a life altering thing for us.
 
November 30, 2006, 10:18 am CST

Third wheel?

Quote From: marionmereness

  I am currently dating a 36 year-old man that is living in his mother's basement. When he does come to visit, he comes at bed-time and leaves after I feed him breakfast. If we go out, it is him and his mother in the front seat and I sit in the back. Am I being selfish in thinking I'm a "third wheel"?
 Is this a serious question?
I'm not sure what you mean by the 3rd wheel question, I think this must be an expression that gets lost in translation over the Atlantic Ocean.
In the UK we would say you were a mug.
 
November 30, 2006, 6:12 pm CST

am i wrong???

when I married my husband (9/04) he had custody of his 3 grand boys ages 3, 4, 5, I myself have 4 children 25 my girl working on her masters degree in animal science, my 16 year old boy who resides with his daddy and my 14 and 10 year old who both live with me,my 10 year olds daddy was killed in 2003, my husband adopted him, it was completed in Jan. of this year. We were very busy with all these children I had taken care of my own and made it perfectly clear I could handle the up bringing of my boys on my own, my husband worked 90 miles one way, did this drive 5 days a week I worked about 19 miles away as a clerk, ranch hand, and feed loader. in the mornings I took the 3 babies to daycare my other 2 to my sisters to catch the bus I refused to leave them alone on the dirt road, then arrive at work by 7 and work till 5:30 -6:00. Leave, pick the younger 3 up and meet my other 2 boys at home, start supper and get ready for the next day, I am an insulin dependent diabetic. The stress was really getting to me and I began horrible near death insulin reactions no ,matter how I monitored myself, it was too much my husband then insisted some other family members help us with these children, I couldn't stop working to stay at home and raise them it was too much for me,and at the same time I couldn't quit working to stay at home to better take care of myself because the Texas workforce had regulations on how many hours I worked a week so they would help with the daycare funds. We were so busy doing for the boys there was no time to do things with them,it was so hectic, I tried very hard and i think if I were younger I could have done a better job and stuck with it but my body was breaking down, my husband and I finally got some help from the boys Mom's Mom and they now reside with her. They were taken out of their parents home from CPS because of neglect and abuse,one night the mom was bathing the youngest and oldest together and was high and had a house full of people so she decided to go out for milk and bread and  leave the boys in the tub and the party people to keep an eye on them,their daddy my husbands son, was out partying. well the baby was severely burned on his feet they had to do skin graphs on them remove skin from his upper legs it was horrible. My husband got custody with the notion the mom and dad would straightened out ,    they didn't, their drug  levels went up, they didn't work, and continued to get high. My husband blamed his son's behavior on the his girlfriend, mother of boys. He, my husband  had gotten custody in 2003, the boys are still not with their parents , the mother was murdered in April of this year and my stepson has gone off with the carnival and traveled with them now for about a year an a half. right now he is incarcerated in Florida, was picked up 2 weeks ago for pot and cocaine, he gets out the 13th of December time served has to pay a court fine and then plans on moving in with us. no job, my husband is going to try to get him on where he now works. Since July of last year he has changed employment and now travels about 15 miles one way,  I left my job last July also. My husband takes care of us and is very dedicated I feel so selfish because I don't  know how to help his boy I don't know how and I think we are making the wrong move in letting him stay with us. He has in the meantime had  another baby who the mother alone is raising and he doesn't care, he is 28 years old, 4 children, in jail and now my husband thinks the time he will spend will straighten him up, and my husband says he too will help him with his drug habits,watch him that is. I'm scared and worried about my boys, about my husband, if he moves in with us all my privacy is gone, in fact this time last year he was  incarcerated for marijuana . How do i handle this I can't keep my husband from helping his children but whenever they need help its a life altering thing for us. I don't know what to do I am torn, this is probably the 4th time his daddy has taken him in to help him but to no avail. I am a very private person and have some very strict guidelines for my children, and it has really worked well with my children. My children, in our home are not exposed to violence, drugs, alcohol, abuse, sexually explicit material etc. and they by no means are suffering because of it, my fear is when this young man comes into our home I will be walking on glass, bringing the fears I worry my children will face in the school system or in the public into my home. The world can be a very ugly place and I do inform my children of this I am not keeping them blinded   , I know one day I may have the same problems with one of my children I cannot foresee the future but my children are young enough now where maybe we could avoid these problems. I'm scared any advise out there?
 
December 5, 2006, 2:09 am CST

living at home again

Ok, so let's look at this from the other person's perspective. My kids and I have been living with my parents since my divorce (out of necessity). I do not earn enough to get a place of my own. My parents are pensioners and cannot afford a place of their own, so we share expenses. I don't like the situation, I don't think it's healthy for my children to be "parented" (do this, do that!) by two extra people.

Every day I am forced to watch my father treat my mother like a serving wench and she CONTINUES TO DEFEND HIM: "He was raised that way, it's too late to change him now." I have wondered for the last 40 years why she stays with him. None of us kids can stand him. He's verbally abusive to us and our children, and he's demeaning and insulting to our mother. All my sisters live out of state, and won't visit more than once a year - they're not prepared to put up with him.

I'm at my wits' end. I can't leave, but if I stay I'll go mad and my kids will turn into their grandfather. This is not an example I want for my children.

 
December 6, 2006, 8:44 am CST

32 year old still living at home

My mother remarried almost 6 years ago.  I have no problem with this as long as my mother is happy and not abused.  My problem is this:  When my mother remarried, she had 5 kids which ranged in age from 15 to 39 (myself being the oldest).  Her husband had one child who was 27 at the time.  He is now 32.  He lives with them.  He does not work.  In 5+ years, he has worked 2 times for a total of 11 months.  He also joined the military, not even making it thru basic training.  They have put him thru Real Estate school.  He did not or could not or would not pass his licensing exam.  They pay for everything for him, even down to his cigarettes and deo.

 

My mother has made it clear many many times that he needs to move out.  That he is old enough to live on his own.    They (my mother and her husband even gave him a one year deadline once he got out of the army.  That will be 2 years ago in March.  That came and went and he is still living at home.

 

Every time she brings it up, there is a big argument with her husband.  He refuses to make his son move out for various reasons including:  his son can't make it on his own, he has no experience of living on his own (now, who did have experience of living on their own til they moved out of their parents' home), he is an only child, therefore, he (his father) loves him more than my mom loves her children.

 

Now, his latest excuse (which he not so nicely brought to our attention out of the clear blue on one of our recent visits) is that he will never make his 32 year old son move out of the house because he (the father) doesn't want to abandon his son.  Now, how are you abandoning a 32 year old by making him live on his own?  As far as the abandonment, I may have just turned 44, but I had a miscarriage in September and had a very rough time.  For the first time in my life, I told my mother that I needed her.  They were traveling from Texas to KY and would be 5 hours from us a week and a half after this miscarriage.  He refused to come up and see me and my husband, knowing we were going through emotional times.  He told my mother to tell me that she would talk to me when we came down to visit in two months.  He said that this vacation was for him to see his family 5 hours away from me.  How's that for abandonment?  I told my mother that I was hurting both physically and emotionally and needed her then, not in 2 months.

 

He allows his son to talk to my mother in the most horrible way, telling her that someone is going to have to call the sheriff's department to pick up an old lady off of the ground.  My mother came back at him and the whole time her husband/his father was sitting there telling my mother to shut up and not saying anything to his son.  He later used the excuse that he is hard of hearing and heard nothing that his son said.  My husband (who is totally deaf in one ear and has 50% hearing loss in the other) was sitting next to him and heard everything.  He (my mother's husband) treats my mother the same way, putting her down constantly.  She has a day care that she owns and runs.  He tells her that it isn't a real job and that she needs to get a real job.  He and his son sit in the house while my mother mows and weed eats the 1/2 acre they live on, refusing to help.  Oh, the son will help if they pay him.  When I question why the son is allowed to treat my mother this way, I am told because he is different and because he lives in the household.

 

How does a grown man think that he will be abandoning his 32 year old son by making his son live on his own?  How come all of the other children can live on their own and provide for themselves when they range in age from 20 to 44 and a 32 year old can't?

 

 

 
December 6, 2006, 1:44 pm CST

Adule child on a good thing

Quote From: puddin0215

My mother remarried almost 6 years ago.  I have no problem with this as long as my mother is happy and not abused.  My problem is this:  When my mother remarried, she had 5 kids which ranged in age from 15 to 39 (myself being the oldest).  Her husband had one child who was 27 at the time.  He is now 32.  He lives with them.  He does not work.  In 5+ years, he has worked 2 times for a total of 11 months.  He also joined the military, not even making it thru basic training.  They have put him thru Real Estate school.  He did not or could not or would not pass his licensing exam.  They pay for everything for him, even down to his cigarettes and deo.

 

My mother has made it clear many many times that he needs to move out.  That he is old enough to live on his own.    They (my mother and her husband even gave him a one year deadline once he got out of the army.  That will be 2 years ago in March.  That came and went and he is still living at home.

 

Every time she brings it up, there is a big argument with her husband.  He refuses to make his son move out for various reasons including:  his son can't make it on his own, he has no experience of living on his own (now, who did have experience of living on their own til they moved out of their parents' home), he is an only child, therefore, he (his father) loves him more than my mom loves her children.

 

Now, his latest excuse (which he not so nicely brought to our attention out of the clear blue on one of our recent visits) is that he will never make his 32 year old son move out of the house because he (the father) doesn't want to abandon his son.  Now, how are you abandoning a 32 year old by making him live on his own?  As far as the abandonment, I may have just turned 44, but I had a miscarriage in September and had a very rough time.  For the first time in my life, I told my mother that I needed her.  They were traveling from Texas to KY and would be 5 hours from us a week and a half after this miscarriage.  He refused to come up and see me and my husband, knowing we were going through emotional times.  He told my mother to tell me that she would talk to me when we came down to visit in two months.  He said that this vacation was for him to see his family 5 hours away from me.  How's that for abandonment?  I told my mother that I was hurting both physically and emotionally and needed her then, not in 2 months.

 

He allows his son to talk to my mother in the most horrible way, telling her that someone is going to have to call the sheriff's department to pick up an old lady off of the ground.  My mother came back at him and the whole time her husband/his father was sitting there telling my mother to shut up and not saying anything to his son.  He later used the excuse that he is hard of hearing and heard nothing that his son said.  My husband (who is totally deaf in one ear and has 50% hearing loss in the other) was sitting next to him and heard everything.  He (my mother's husband) treats my mother the same way, putting her down constantly.  She has a day care that she owns and runs.  He tells her that it isn't a real job and that she needs to get a real job.  He and his son sit in the house while my mother mows and weed eats the 1/2 acre they live on, refusing to help.  Oh, the son will help if they pay him.  When I question why the son is allowed to treat my mother this way, I am told because he is different and because he lives in the household.

 

How does a grown man think that he will be abandoning his 32 year old son by making his son live on his own?  How come all of the other children can live on their own and provide for themselves when they range in age from 20 to 44 and a 32 year old can't?

 

 

I feel for you, it must be frustrating to sit and watch your mother being used and abused by husband and his adult son.  My son is 30 and lives at home with me and my partner.  We dont like losing our privacy etc.  We have ground rules, chores he does, he works full time and is moving out next year.

However, it is your mums problem and only she can decide what she will put up with from these 2  dead heads, and why  does she put up with it?.  Perhaps if you had a private talk with her and suggested counselling for her, she might go and find out how she can help herself.  Sometimes women stay in relationships like this for the security they get out of it. Maybe she needs some help to work out what she does get out of this set up at home. She might have low self esteem and doesnt think she can do any better than what shes got. The fact that she owns and works her own business is a fantastic start, she has proven she is capable.  The 32 yr old is just taking advantage of his fathers weakness for his own selfish reasons.  Unless he is mentally or physically handicapped, there is no other reason than laziness for his lack of independance and sponging off his father and your mum.  His own father has problems himself if he considers it abandonment for his adult son to learn to stand on his own 2 feet.

 
December 9, 2006, 5:13 pm CST

This is terrible

I have been dealing with some issues with my brother still living at home. He is 30 years old has 2 kids and 1 he has custody of. He has been married for 2 years now and still lives with my parents. What makes things worse is my parents are disable and they dont get around very good. They are both on a fixed income. My brother and his family dont work. he sits around there and smokes weed, and even grows it on their property. They control my parents bad and my mom has threatend suicide several times. There house is falling aprt and no money to fix it. He has a angry spirit on controlling spirit and it is driving my parents crazy. I stood up to him today and told him how i felt about how he treets them and disrespecting there home and he said it was none of my business. Sad to say i am close to calling the law on him and his wife just so my parents can have peace. Im tired of seeing my parents being controlled in there own home, and disrespecting them by smoking that weed there when my mom came down with Pnemonia from it. They even hung up a sign going to her living room that says no tresspassing. My parents are afraid to kick them out cause he has no place to go and has a child. Which i understand but he needs to get off his butt and get a job and stop waiting for SSI to provide him money. And in the meantime help out with bills stop the disrespect and honor they Father and Mother which the bible states.

 
December 21, 2006, 6:22 am CST

father wont let son grow up

I am 39 I have 3 children of my own 22,17,12.My husband has two 27,24.We have two at home my12 year old his 24 year old.My stepson has a job but blows his money on drinking drugs and what ever he wants to have fun.His father knows this and hates it but won't speak up and allows this to continue.He hands him money when he comes home after partying so he can get to work,puts gas in the vehicles after he runs it all out and gets mad at me if I don't make his breakfast and lunch and make sure he has food when he decides to come in the evenig.i love my children and feel that they should all be treated equal,but because of the stepson I feel as though we take away from the others to give to him.I feel that he needs to move on and grow up but daddy won't let him.I am stressed out because I work two jobs don't make alot of money,but i love my jobs.I am a bus driver which I chose to do so that I could be there for my children,I am also a autistc aid,which is highly rewarding but very hard work.It takes so much out of me to do my job come home and tend to my family.I feel that I am not appreciated,and to much is expected.what can I do and how do I speak my mind without ending my marrage.

 
January 5, 2007, 9:39 am CST

adult daughter at home-husband left

My husband and i have been married for 10 years.  My daughter was 17 at that time and did not want me to marry b/c she wanted me all to herself (long story behind this)  anyway she got married last november and they moved out of state.  In june she called and said that he had moved out and then he called and said "come and get her" which i did b/c she only had his family and they would not talk to her.  she had a very hard time getting over this (resulting in panic attacks and anxiety issues) as they were middle school sweethearts.  now she is working and going to school and does not contribute financially  b/c she does not make enough.  My husband said she should contribute financially but how?  so he finally worked himself up to spending 6 days in the hospital for what we thought was a heart condition- it wasnt- he checks out fine.  but he moved out because he gave me the choice of him or her and being a mother i could not throw my child out.  now i am very confused as to what to do?  did i make the wrong decision?  and if i did how do i fix it?
 
First | Prev | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | Next | Last