Topic : Adult Children Living at Home

Please be very careful.  You could end up with the state taking your children because he lives with you- make sure you check on this asap and let me know what happens

My exfiancee still b/f occasionally,,lol im not sure what my status is anymore,i have been slowly trying to go my way again.He lives with his mom but wont let me go either.lol both of them having control and letting go issues.

since he was 4 when his dad died,his family made him the little man of the house,his mom claims she regrets it because now,he 's mom dependent...She does everything for him makes his bed,does his laundry because he does not do it her way she says,therefore he does not know how to do laundry.He waits like a little boy at night for her to come home from her various volounteer work activities to make him dinner...this is a women who volounteers 24/7 does not get paid and be known to go out at night just to make sure things are right where she volounteers,she cant let go.she also has compulsive disorder.the house has to be spotless at all times,and she crates one of the dogs when shes gone because she claims her house will get messy and tore up. these are her sons dogs,but she has taken over them like everything else.she decided when everyone is asleep at night oops her son is asleep at night to begin the vacuming etc.

this woman has a spare apt in her home,where his grandparents lived,and she still has the beds made up and their belongings neatly in the room, and she still cleans their room also.we asked to use it until we found a place once we got married, and the answer has never been straight or forthcoming..the kitchen is still fully equipped etc etc with grandmas stuff which is ok i suppose.but its like a shrine, we call it the mouseliem...

anyway she cooks makes his lunch cleans his room etc etc all that except wash his bum i suspect,but then who knows maybe she does that too.she was told by his school councellors when he was young she was the reason his learning abilities were slow and he was not making headway and socializing in school...

we never went anywhere much anymore..his mother is obviously healthy to do what she does...I have tried to get him to have backbone and stand upto her,but he is afraid for some reason..so i gave him an ultimatum. I even asked him about couples counselling to give him the strength to leave... i  finally had to walk away,and said good bye etc etc.however he wont let go..He lost a wife in part because of his mother, his mother use to take it upon herself to come over unanounced everyday to help his wife cope with being a wife. go figure..(In the meantime shes a widow right.)his sister and brother cant stand her and hardly come home, she tries to take over and control etc even when she visits them..they never have company except for me even at christmas time it was the three of us.non of the family wants to be around her..when they visit their families from out of state they spend maybe an hr with her..when i met her,she never offered me coffee or tea or even a glass of water.I use to have to sit in the den while she and her son were eating their dinner,because she wants to be told before i come over she says so she is prepared.lol..sadly now they mirror each other,they eat in front of you and dont even offer a bite to you,they have both become extremely selfish and self centered..he has become her over the yrs he and i have been together it is so sad because hes capable of so much more in his life, than washing cars..it started out he came home to live after his divorce for a short while.his wife wanted them to move out of state...you guess the answer to that one...anyway i no longer like to go over except to see the dogs..and his and my relationship as far as i am concerned is over until he can leave home...The ex g/f left him too.she had a career,a home and money so his mom wanted that marriage because he would be looked after..but, i on the other hand make him stand for himself...his mother is very threatened by me,and she does not have to be.but like i said until he leaves home,im not a part of that scenario..i have stood upto her in the past and told her very pointedly to let go,but she claims she is and its not happeneing.she  imediatley went out and bought a satilite system for him and her..he pays for nothing,she pays for everything..lol..food,laundry and when she goes away she leaves him extra money for food...or whatever..???she is 82 and very active...anyway yes i discussed this with my drs,because my health from the stress of it all started to fizzle.they said what everyone will say leave, leave leave...i have but it hurts still to know once again she has won but in the meantime,i have to take care of me,its my health at stake,and even altho i have said its over,he still feels its ok to treat me like nothing has changed,she even brags hes gonna be lost when she passes on, he says he wont..we will see..I feel they are now both control freaks,because he keeps calling,and acting in denial that i ended things with him...

truthfully toward the end,i felt like he had his mom taking care of him during the week and was using me during the weekend for his plaything,and nursemaid all rolled into one....Yes i met him on the intenet,come to find out thats where hes met all his women,including his ex wife..

so women be ware of men living with their momies for more than a yr...make sure they know its temporary  with you if they plan to live indefinitly with mommie dearest...it is a no win situation...unless you have something he desperatly wants love is not enough with these guys...thanks for listening....

Hi Jasonsy,

                       My third unit of psychology study at university claims that a behaviour (such as drinking, living at home etc.) is only classified as dysfunctional if it negatively impacts/interferes your life pursuits such as your relationships, career, study etc. So seeing as neither you or your parent's life pursuits are interfered with it is not dysfunctional, besides you are only 20 and doing study it is to be expected for you to still have your parents home to come home to till you finish study and set yourself up in your own place. It does not sound like you have an inordinate relationship with your parents just a natural relationship for a person your age. 

I am a mother of two daughter's one 18 and the other 17.  My 18 year old daughter has been a problem child for the past three and a half years.  We have had to deal with her running away, stealing from us, lying about everything, associating with the wrong crowd, doing drugs, drinking, etc, she even stole my car a few times.  My oldest daughter, who's name is Tina, has caused so much tension and turmoil in our lives and it only seems to get worse as time goes by.  I am at the end of my rope with her.  I am tired and run down and stressed out beyond belief. 

Tina used to be a good kid.  She was an honor student and treated her family with respect. When she entered high school, she got in the wrong crowd and started cutting school and shop lifting.  She would stay out all night, or stay out for days.  We called the police so many times, they knew her and were discusted with her behavior and attitude towards her parents and anyone in authority.  We tried to control her, but she just snuck out of the house.  She even would climb out her bedroom window, which is on the second floor.  I installed locks, but she always managed to get away.  She would hang out with older guys and sometimes we would have to go pick her up from somewhere because the police called us.  She had charges pressed against her for a few things, but nothing ever happened with them.  It all was eventually dropped, which made her think that she could get away with anything. 

My marriage has suffered so much because of all that she has put us through.  Last August, Tina had a baby.  She said when she originally told me about the baby, in December of 2005, that she did not want to raise it and wanted to give it up for adoption.  My husband and I could not let her do that and decided to adopt the baby ourselves. 

We have taken on so many things and dealt with so much in these past few years.  We belive that it has aged us so much.  The baby, is a wonderful addition to our family and we love her dearly.  We had thought that having the baby would mature Tina a little, but it did not.  She is worse than ever and many ways. 

Originally I had planned to keep my full time job and have Tina watch the baby during the day, so I could work.  We had rules that no one was allowed in the house when we were not there.  We came to realize that she had people in the house and it was the people she was not even supposed to be associating with. 

We would just pop in occasionally to make sure things were going ok, and every time we did that, we found someone in the house that was not supposed to be there. 

Then we had many things stolen and money taken from our bank account .  We found out it was Tina and then found out she was doing cocaine.  I immediately quit my job and stayed home to take care of the baby.  Tina was taken to the hospital and then checked into a treatment center. 

That only lasted a couple days.  She checked herself out.  I told her that she could not return home until she got help.  She agreed, but never went after the first session. 

All I get form her is attitude and lies.  She is stealing things again, I am sure.  I think that she might be doing cocaine again.  She never did get any help for that, since she checked herself out.  I did not want her to come home, but my husband could not let her be out in the cold, with no where to go.  He is much more sympathetic than I am.  I of course do not want to kick her out, but I can not see any other options.  I just want to know if there is something I can do to get her out and if there is somewhere she can go.  She has made it clear that she does not have any respect for our home or family and does not think she has to follow any of our rules.

For my family's sake and for my marriage, she has to leave. 

We tried taking her to psychiatrists and putting her on antidepressants, but nothing ever seemed to work.  Tina would just lie to anyone and make it look like we were over reacting.  She has a way with people and is a very convincing liar. 

If anyone has any ideas of what we can do.  I have read many books and tried just about everything.  My husband and I just want our lives back and to have some peace in our lives. 

Seven years ago my oldest son turned 18 and was out of the house that day. He moved in with some friends. He was out for 2 years, working, partying, and going no where fast. He lived in the same apt complex as his dad. His roomates called me and said he is out of control, and has to go. He was drinking and smoking pot. My current husband and I moved him back home, went through a little tough love and got him to stop drinking. I took him to our family doctor and had him checked for depression. The doctor put him on Lexapro, told him to stop smoking pot and he would feel better. He was heading down the right path, he got a good job, bought a truck and was doing better. He has a rock band also. A female friend with many emotional problems surfaced in his life. She got married to some guy she didn't even like anymore, split up 3 months into the marriage and then started calling my son to come keep her company. They wanted to know if she could stay with us temporarly. Stupidly I said yes. That was 2 years ago. They neglected to tell me they were involved. Could I be wrong for thinking this girl might be using my son. I tried to be fair, accomodating, understanding. She went from , bad to worse, she has panic disorder, wants to control him in everyway. His smoking pot  is back, because he so stressed about her nagging him all the time. I got so fed up with it, I kicked them out yesterday. I told him I love him, no matter what. And if he wanted to live with her, he would have to do it somewhere else. She was trying to control the whole household. Telling me how to deal with my other son, how to decorate, ect.. We changed the locks and told him he could come and get all her stuff, but she is not welcome in my home anymore. I'm hoping throwing them out in the world alone and together will wake him up. If not, I see a miserable future for my son. I'm done enabling them, and I can't believe the relief I feel. My husband and younger son also feel relief.