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Topic : Adult Children Living at Home

Number of Replies: 365
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Created on : Friday, September 15, 2006, 04:13:09 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Do you or someone you know still have an adult child living at home either out of necessity, or just plain laziness?  Share your stories here.

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January 5, 2007, 9:50 am CST

Adult Children Living at Home

Quote From: ronniensuzy

when I married my husband (9/04) he had custody of his 3 grand boys ages 3, 4, 5, I myself have 4 children 25 my girl working on her masters degree in animal science, my 16 year old boy who resides with his daddy and my 14 and 10 year old who both live with me,my 10 year olds daddy was killed in 2003, my husband adopted him, it was completed in Jan. of this year. We were very busy with all these children I had taken care of my own and made it perfectly clear I could handle the up bringing of my boys on my own, my husband worked 90 miles one way, did this drive 5 days a week I worked about 19 miles away as a clerk, ranch hand, and feed loader. in the mornings I took the 3 babies to daycare my other 2 to my sisters to catch the bus I refused to leave them alone on the dirt road, then arrive at work by 7 and work till 5:30 -6:00. Leave, pick the younger 3 up and meet my other 2 boys at home, start supper and get ready for the next day, I am an insulin dependent diabetic. The stress was really getting to me and I began horrible near death insulin reactions no ,matter how I monitored myself, it was too much my husband then insisted some other family members help us with these children, I couldn't stop working to stay at home and raise them it was too much for me,and at the same time I couldn't quit working to stay at home to better take care of myself because the Texas workforce had regulations on how many hours I worked a week so they would help with the daycare funds. We were so busy doing for the boys there was no time to do things with them,it was so hectic, I tried very hard and i think if I were younger I could have done a better job and stuck with it but my body was breaking down, my husband and I finally got some help from the boys Mom's Mom and they now reside with her. They were taken out of their parents home from CPS because of neglect and abuse,one night the mom was bathing the youngest and oldest together and was high and had a house full of people so she decided to go out for milk and bread and  leave the boys in the tub and the party people to keep an eye on them,their daddy my husbands son, was out partying. well the baby was severely burned on his feet they had to do skin graphs on them remove skin from his upper legs it was horrible. My husband got custody with the notion the mom and dad would straightened out ,    they didn't, their drug  levels went up, they didn't work, and continued to get high. My husband blamed his son's behavior on the his girlfriend, mother of boys. He, my husband  had gotten custody in 2003, the boys are still not with their parents , the mother was murdered in April of this year and my stepson has gone off with the carnival and traveled with them now for about a year an a half. right now he is incarcerated in Florida, was picked up 2 weeks ago for pot and cocaine, he gets out the 13th of December time served has to pay a court fine and then plans on moving in with us. no job, my husband is going to try to get him on where he now works. Since July of last year he has changed employment and now travels about 15 miles one way,  I left my job last July also. My husband takes care of us and is very dedicated I feel so selfish because I don't  know how to help his boy I don't know how and I think we are making the wrong move in letting him stay with us. He has in the meantime had  another baby who the mother alone is raising and he doesn't care, he is 28 years old, 4 children, in jail and now my husband thinks the time he will spend will straighten him up, and my husband says he too will help him with his drug habits,watch him that is. I'm scared and worried about my boys, about my husband, if he moves in with us all my privacy is gone, in fact this time last year he was  incarcerated for marijuana . How do i handle this I can't keep my husband from helping his children but whenever they need help its a life altering thing for us. I don't know what to do I am torn, this is probably the 4th time his daddy has taken him in to help him but to no avail. I am a very private person and have some very strict guidelines for my children, and it has really worked well with my children. My children, in our home are not exposed to violence, drugs, alcohol, abuse, sexually explicit material etc. and they by no means are suffering because of it, my fear is when this young man comes into our home I will be walking on glass, bringing the fears I worry my children will face in the school system or in the public into my home. The world can be a very ugly place and I do inform my children of this I am not keeping them blinded   , I know one day I may have the same problems with one of my children I cannot foresee the future but my children are young enough now where maybe we could avoid these problems. I'm scared any advise out there?

Please be very careful.  You could end up with the state taking your children because he lives with you- make sure you check on this asap and let me know what happens

 
January 9, 2007, 7:57 pm CST

Adult Children Living at Home

Quote From: linmar17

Please be very careful.  You could end up with the state taking your children because he lives with you- make sure you check on this asap and let me know what happens

 

No I haven't checked into this simply because I figured since he cannot live with us if we still had HIS children in our possession I figured my husband would consider this and it may not take place. Well it hasn't, he hasn't made it out to our state because he is owed an annual bonus and last pay check so this is his excuse, but he has gone back to work for the same company, they must be paying him something, one of the last times my husband spoke with him he laid the laws down and told him if he were to stay here, no drugs, booze, or girls, the boys main concern was where else he could go to drink, in fact that was his only concern, so i do believe this is the reason he has not come out here to stay. My husband and I have discussed this endlessly and he seemed to agree with me till a few days ago when he told me he didn't know why we were still together because I don't let him help his kids, i don't let his son move his camper out on our land. I don't know how to help his kids without our entire lives being altered and I'm at the age where I'd like to be settled down now and raise my minor children and not a 29 year old man who has fathered 4 children, this is not a case of a young man who lost everything thru a fire or a divorce or something of that nature this is a man who works and what his money goes to I don't know because he lives in a bunk house doesn't have a vehicle and travels with the carnival its been requested he go thru rehab, never took place how do you help a boy like this? Since my husband and I have been together he has been on drugs and my husband has lied to me for him, about him and actually left me and my children to secure things with and for him, I had just quit my job to take care of the grandbabies I was jobless and alone, we finally worked things out but these kids  put a fear in me and it seems he has proved to me blood is thicker than water which I feel like, and because my husband doesn't want to level with me about how all this really makes him feel , that is, I won't let him help his kids and might i add he doesn't want to level with me for the sake of not arguing I feel we are drifting apart, and he is not happy but just comfortable and it is putting such a strain on our marriage I'm so scared. I feel so uncomfortable around him but love him so much, i can't get myself to make conversation with him because I don't know if what is coming out of his mouth is true, I feel uncomfortable using HIS money for things for my children and myself now because I feel like he resents taking care of us and not his children, I have told him he could help his children but I put my foot down and told him  I can't let the boy stay with us or put his camper trailer on our land, and at the same time I feel like a failure because as a mother and wife I want to secure the safeties of my family and that includes all OUR children yet I can't with his children because they are their own enemy and my hands are tied because I refuse to let anyone walk all over my family and thats who i see trying to do it to my husband and I can't protect him because it only hurts him, the one I want to protect fights me, my hands are tied so what do I do just let it go and let him give his boy what he wants to give, i would rather separate from him than watch a destruction I know is coming. I want so bad to make things better but I have such a hard time accepting his kids and I don't want anything to do with the grandbabies anymore either I don't want to visit them I don't want them to come to my house I don't want to take care of them or even look at them, I have a hard time with them because of who their mother is, incidentally my husbands son's wife was the niece of a woman my husband was involved with for ten years so when its time to see these little ones I have to deal not only with them but all their family, their grandmother who they stay with is the sister of my husbands x, mind you this x is NOT the mother of my husbands children. This makes me so insecure with my husband I don't know where our marriage is going to go. I will be the first to admit I need some help with this, my fears and insecurities, some marriage counseling I don't know which way to go, our marriage is so new but so old now because we can't talk and he was the one I wanted to talk to about everything to and now I feel like I am not his soulmate or partner and what he really needs is to get his grandbabies back and raise them with his son who does not seem eager at all to do so, I'm lost and so confused and I can't go on like I have for the past couple days, like nothing was said or happened as my husband is because he won't talk to me about it because all we do is argue. Anyone have any suggestions?
 
January 10, 2007, 8:01 am CST

b/f living with his moma....

My exfiancee still b/f occasionally,,lol im not sure what my status is anymore,i have been slowly trying to go my way again.He lives with his mom but wont let me go either.lol both of them having control and letting go issues.

since he was 4 when his dad died,his family made him the little man of the house,his mom claims she regrets it because now,he 's mom dependent...She does everything for him makes his bed,does his laundry because he does not do it her way she says,therefore he does not know how to do laundry.He waits like a little boy at night for her to come home from her various volounteer work activities to make him dinner...this is a women who volounteers 24/7 does not get paid and be known to go out at night just to make sure things are right where she volounteers,she cant let go.she also has compulsive disorder.the house has to be spotless at all times,and she crates one of the dogs when shes gone because she claims her house will get messy and tore up. these are her sons dogs,but she has taken over them like everything else.she decided when everyone is asleep at night oops her son is asleep at night to begin the vacuming etc.

this woman has a spare apt in her home,where his grandparents lived,and she still has the beds made up and their belongings neatly in the room, and she still cleans their room also.we asked to use it until we found a place once we got married, and the answer has never been straight or forthcoming..the kitchen is still fully equipped etc etc with grandmas stuff which is ok i suppose.but its like a shrine, we call it the mouseliem...

anyway she cooks makes his lunch cleans his room etc etc all that except wash his bum i suspect,but then who knows maybe she does that too.she was told by his school councellors when he was young she was the reason his learning abilities were slow and he was not making headway and socializing in school...

we never went anywhere much anymore..his mother is obviously healthy to do what she does...I have tried to get him to have backbone and stand upto her,but he is afraid for some reason..so i gave him an ultimatum. I even asked him about couples counselling to give him the strength to leave... i  finally had to walk away,and said good bye etc etc.however he wont let go..He lost a wife in part because of his mother, his mother use to take it upon herself to come over unanounced everyday to help his wife cope with being a wife. go figure..(In the meantime shes a widow right.)his sister and brother cant stand her and hardly come home, she tries to take over and control etc even when she visits them..they never have company except for me even at christmas time it was the three of us.non of the family wants to be around her..when they visit their families from out of state they spend maybe an hr with her..when i met her,she never offered me coffee or tea or even a glass of water.I use to have to sit in the den while she and her son were eating their dinner,because she wants to be told before i come over she says so she is prepared.lol..sadly now they mirror each other,they eat in front of you and dont even offer a bite to you,they have both become extremely selfish and self centered..he has become her over the yrs he and i have been together it is so sad because hes capable of so much more in his life, than washing cars..it started out he came home to live after his divorce for a short while.his wife wanted them to move out of state...you guess the answer to that one...anyway i no longer like to go over except to see the dogs..and his and my relationship as far as i am concerned is over until he can leave home...The ex g/f left him too.she had a career,a home and money so his mom wanted that marriage because he would be looked after..but, i on the other hand make him stand for himself...his mother is very threatened by me,and she does not have to be.but like i said until he leaves home,im not a part of that scenario..i have stood upto her in the past and told her very pointedly to let go,but she claims she is and its not happeneing.she  imediatley went out and bought a satilite system for him and her..he pays for nothing,she pays for everything..lol..food,laundry and when she goes away she leaves him extra money for food...or whatever..???she is 82 and very active...anyway yes i discussed this with my drs,because my health from the stress of it all started to fizzle.they said what everyone will say leave, leave leave...i have but it hurts still to know once again she has won but in the meantime,i have to take care of me,its my health at stake,and even altho i have said its over,he still feels its ok to treat me like nothing has changed,she even brags hes gonna be lost when she passes on, he says he wont..we will see..I feel they are now both control freaks,because he keeps calling,and acting in denial that i ended things with him...

truthfully toward the end,i felt like he had his mom taking care of him during the week and was using me during the weekend for his plaything,and nursemaid all rolled into one....Yes i met him on the intenet,come to find out thats where hes met all his women,including his ex wife..

so women be ware of men living with their momies for more than a yr...make sure they know its temporary  with you if they plan to live indefinitly with mommie dearest...it is a no win situation...unless you have something he desperatly wants love is not enough with these guys...thanks for listening....

 
January 10, 2007, 12:56 pm CST

I am 20 and live at home (sort of)

I am a 20 year old sophmore at NWMSU and I live at home when the company i work for in the summer don't have me out on a job site or in the winter when i am in class. i think that it is okay for me to live at home if i don't take advantage of it and stay there the rest of my life.
 
January 10, 2007, 8:33 pm CST

It's ok Jasonsy

Quote From: jasonsy

I am a 20 year old sophmore at NWMSU and I live at home when the company i work for in the summer don't have me out on a job site or in the winter when i am in class. i think that it is okay for me to live at home if i don't take advantage of it and stay there the rest of my life.

Hi Jasonsy,

                       My third unit of psychology study at university claims that a behaviour (such as drinking, living at home etc.) is only classified as dysfunctional if it negatively impacts/interferes your life pursuits such as your relationships, career, study etc. So seeing as neither you or your parent's life pursuits are interfered with it is not dysfunctional, besides you are only 20 and doing study it is to be expected for you to still have your parents home to come home to till you finish study and set yourself up in your own place. It does not sound like you have an inordinate relationship with your parents just a natural relationship for a person your age. 

 
January 11, 2007, 5:43 am CST

momie dearest.

Quote From: jaimie1974

When he calls, dont answer, and dont return the phone call, either. You need to distance yourself from this toxicity. You say it hurts to know that his mother has won, but the way I see it, you have won, because you get to leave this relationship before you waste anymore of your life!

Thanks for your support.im doing just that,but then he barrages me with email, so now i have to block that too i guess..he lives 10 minutes away,so i am looking to move further away.i would hate to file charges,but i will if this continues.somepeople who are in denial just do not understand the word"no."goodbye"im not answering the phone"..leave me alone no matter how nice or nasty you can get..lol..anyway im doing what my insides tell me finally... He needs therapy and he was in therapy for while,when he left therapy he went downhill...It is sad,his mother has effectively ruined his life,and made him less than a man,he knows it,but he is helpless in himself to do anything about it...what is worse,we have three dogs between us that live with him..he uses those dogs to emotionally blackmail me about coming over.he knows how much those dogs love me and i love them,and that is even worse to bear..i can get over him,but the bond with the dogs is something else. sadly that house is about control and abuse etc etc..  like i said thank you and im glad to be out of the situation...now its time for me to heal and move on..
 
January 11, 2007, 8:49 am CST

yeah...

Quote From: thechosenone

Hi Jasonsy,

                       My third unit of psychology study at university claims that a behaviour (such as drinking, living at home etc.) is only classified as dysfunctional if it negatively impacts/interferes your life pursuits such as your relationships, career, study etc. So seeing as neither you or your parent's life pursuits are interfered with it is not dysfunctional, besides you are only 20 and doing study it is to be expected for you to still have your parents home to come home to till you finish study and set yourself up in your own place. It does not sound like you have an inordinate relationship with your parents just a natural relationship for a person your age. 

Actually to add to my previous post i am in the process of getting a loan to buy a house that i found here in the college town. the college town is close to regualr home but not too close. i tell you one thing though. getting a loan is hard when you have 1) strikes against your credit and 2) you are in college. i found out about the credit thing. i actually knew it my whole life. one of my cousins that is about my age has my name exactly and our ssn is only one digit from being a complete match.

Jay
 
January 17, 2007, 6:24 pm CST

Help me get my daughter out of the house.

I am a mother of two daughter's one 18 and the other 17.  My 18 year old daughter has been a problem child for the past three and a half years.  We have had to deal with her running away, stealing from us, lying about everything, associating with the wrong crowd, doing drugs, drinking, etc, she even stole my car a few times.  My oldest daughter, who's name is Tina, has caused so much tension and turmoil in our lives and it only seems to get worse as time goes by.  I am at the end of my rope with her.  I am tired and run down and stressed out beyond belief. 

 

Tina used to be a good kid.  She was an honor student and treated her family with respect. When she entered high school, she got in the wrong crowd and started cutting school and shop lifting.  She would stay out all night, or stay out for days.  We called the police so many times, they knew her and were discusted with her behavior and attitude towards her parents and anyone in authority.  We tried to control her, but she just snuck out of the house.  She even would climb out her bedroom window, which is on the second floor.  I installed locks, but she always managed to get away.  She would hang out with older guys and sometimes we would have to go pick her up from somewhere because the police called us.  She had charges pressed against her for a few things, but nothing ever happened with them.  It all was eventually dropped, which made her think that she could get away with anything. 

 

My marriage has suffered so much because of all that she has put us through.  Last August, Tina had a baby.  She said when she originally told me about the baby, in December of 2005, that she did not want to raise it and wanted to give it up for adoption.  My husband and I could not let her do that and decided to adopt the baby ourselves. 

 

We have taken on so many things and dealt with so much in these past few years.  We belive that it has aged us so much.  The baby, is a wonderful addition to our family and we love her dearly.  We had thought that having the baby would mature Tina a little, but it did not.  She is worse than ever and many ways. 

 

Originally I had planned to keep my full time job and have Tina watch the baby during the day, so I could work.  We had rules that no one was allowed in the house when we were not there.  We came to realize that she had people in the house and it was the people she was not even supposed to be associating with. 

 

We would just pop in occasionally to make sure things were going ok, and every time we did that, we found someone in the house that was not supposed to be there. 

Then we had many things stolen and money taken from our bank account .  We found out it was Tina and then found out she was doing cocaine.  I immediately quit my job and stayed home to take care of the baby.  Tina was taken to the hospital and then checked into a treatment center. 

That only lasted a couple days.  She checked herself out.  I told her that she could not return home until she got help.  She agreed, but never went after the first session. 

 

All I get form her is attitude and lies.  She is stealing things again, I am sure.  I think that she might be doing cocaine again.  She never did get any help for that, since she checked herself out.  I did not want her to come home, but my husband could not let her be out in the cold, with no where to go.  He is much more sympathetic than I am.  I of course do not want to kick her out, but I can not see any other options.  I just want to know if there is something I can do to get her out and if there is somewhere she can go.  She has made it clear that she does not have any respect for our home or family and does not think she has to follow any of our rules.

 

For my family's sake and for my marriage, she has to leave. 

 

We tried taking her to psychiatrists and putting her on antidepressants, but nothing ever seemed to work.  Tina would just lie to anyone and make it look like we were over reacting.  She has a way with people and is a very convincing liar. 

 

If anyone has any ideas of what we can do.  I have read many books and tried just about everything.  My husband and I just want our lives back and to have some peace in our lives. 

 

 

 
January 20, 2007, 8:31 am CST

Son needs a reality check

Seven years ago my oldest son turned 18 and was out of the house that day. He moved in with some friends. He was out for 2 years, working, partying, and going no where fast. He lived in the same apt complex as his dad. His roomates called me and said he is out of control, and has to go. He was drinking and smoking pot. My current husband and I moved him back home, went through a little tough love and got him to stop drinking. I took him to our family doctor and had him checked for depression. The doctor put him on Lexapro, told him to stop smoking pot and he would feel better. He was heading down the right path, he got a good job, bought a truck and was doing better. He has a rock band also. A female friend with many emotional problems surfaced in his life. She got married to some guy she didn't even like anymore, split up 3 months into the marriage and then started calling my son to come keep her company. They wanted to know if she could stay with us temporarly. Stupidly I said yes. That was 2 years ago. They neglected to tell me they were involved. Could I be wrong for thinking this girl might be using my son. I tried to be fair, accomodating, understanding. She went from , bad to worse, she has panic disorder, wants to control him in everyway. His smoking pot  is back, because he so stressed about her nagging him all the time. I got so fed up with it, I kicked them out yesterday. I told him I love him, no matter what. And if he wanted to live with her, he would have to do it somewhere else. She was trying to control the whole household. Telling me how to deal with my other son, how to decorate, ect.. We changed the locks and told him he could come and get all her stuff, but she is not welcome in my home anymore. I'm hoping throwing them out in the world alone and together will wake him up. If not, I see a miserable future for my son. I'm done enabling them, and I can't believe the relief I feel. My husband and younger son also feel relief.

 

 
January 20, 2007, 8:37 am CST

Nothing

Quote From: jenniespinnato

I am a mother of two daughter's one 18 and the other 17.  My 18 year old daughter has been a problem child for the past three and a half years.  We have had to deal with her running away, stealing from us, lying about everything, associating with the wrong crowd, doing drugs, drinking, etc, she even stole my car a few times.  My oldest daughter, who's name is Tina, has caused so much tension and turmoil in our lives and it only seems to get worse as time goes by.  I am at the end of my rope with her.  I am tired and run down and stressed out beyond belief. 

 

Tina used to be a good kid.  She was an honor student and treated her family with respect. When she entered high school, she got in the wrong crowd and started cutting school and shop lifting.  She would stay out all night, or stay out for days.  We called the police so many times, they knew her and were discusted with her behavior and attitude towards her parents and anyone in authority.  We tried to control her, but she just snuck out of the house.  She even would climb out her bedroom window, which is on the second floor.  I installed locks, but she always managed to get away.  She would hang out with older guys and sometimes we would have to go pick her up from somewhere because the police called us.  She had charges pressed against her for a few things, but nothing ever happened with them.  It all was eventually dropped, which made her think that she could get away with anything. 

 

My marriage has suffered so much because of all that she has put us through.  Last August, Tina had a baby.  She said when she originally told me about the baby, in December of 2005, that she did not want to raise it and wanted to give it up for adoption.  My husband and I could not let her do that and decided to adopt the baby ourselves. 

 

We have taken on so many things and dealt with so much in these past few years.  We belive that it has aged us so much.  The baby, is a wonderful addition to our family and we love her dearly.  We had thought that having the baby would mature Tina a little, but it did not.  She is worse than ever and many ways. 

 

Originally I had planned to keep my full time job and have Tina watch the baby during the day, so I could work.  We had rules that no one was allowed in the house when we were not there.  We came to realize that she had people in the house and it was the people she was not even supposed to be associating with. 

 

We would just pop in occasionally to make sure things were going ok, and every time we did that, we found someone in the house that was not supposed to be there. 

Then we had many things stolen and money taken from our bank account .  We found out it was Tina and then found out she was doing cocaine.  I immediately quit my job and stayed home to take care of the baby.  Tina was taken to the hospital and then checked into a treatment center. 

That only lasted a couple days.  She checked herself out.  I told her that she could not return home until she got help.  She agreed, but never went after the first session. 

 

All I get form her is attitude and lies.  She is stealing things again, I am sure.  I think that she might be doing cocaine again.  She never did get any help for that, since she checked herself out.  I did not want her to come home, but my husband could not let her be out in the cold, with no where to go.  He is much more sympathetic than I am.  I of course do not want to kick her out, but I can not see any other options.  I just want to know if there is something I can do to get her out and if there is somewhere she can go.  She has made it clear that she does not have any respect for our home or family and does not think she has to follow any of our rules.

 

For my family's sake and for my marriage, she has to leave. 

 

We tried taking her to psychiatrists and putting her on antidepressants, but nothing ever seemed to work.  Tina would just lie to anyone and make it look like we were over reacting.  She has a way with people and is a very convincing liar. 

 

If anyone has any ideas of what we can do.  I have read many books and tried just about everything.  My husband and I just want our lives back and to have some peace in our lives. 

 

 

You can't help someone who does not want help. Live your life and concentrate on your other child, who is missing out on quality time with you and your missing out on her life.
 
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