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Topic : Adult Children Living at Home

Number of Replies: 365
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, September 15, 2006, 04:13:09 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Do you or someone you know still have an adult child living at home either out of necessity, or just plain laziness?  Share your stories here.

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January 26, 2007, 4:47 pm CST

Adult Children Living at Home

Our adult girls do not do drugs. They both work and have almost completed college (which they paid for). They pay their own bills (car, gas, phone) but they do not want to help around the house.  They have always had chores/responsibilities in the home but choose not to do them now.  They feel that they are adults and should not be told what to do.  All we ask is that they clean their own bathroom, bedroom, laundry and once a week is their supper night (cook & dishes).  If they would take care of their responsibilities on their own no one would be TOLD what to do. The oldest is 24 and rebells against any work at home.  She is rude and disrespectful.  Younger one is 22 and does okay. They do not pay rent yet.   They could afford to move out on their own but do not want to live together.  We are having a family meeting soon and would appreciate any advice. 

 

 
January 27, 2007, 11:43 pm CST

I wish you luck

Quote From: parent17

Our adult girls do not do drugs. They both work and have almost completed college (which they paid for). They pay their own bills (car, gas, phone) but they do not want to help around the house.  They have always had chores/responsibilities in the home but choose not to do them now.  They feel that they are adults and should not be told what to do.  All we ask is that they clean their own bathroom, bedroom, laundry and once a week is their supper night (cook & dishes).  If they would take care of their responsibilities on their own no one would be TOLD what to do. The oldest is 24 and rebells against any work at home.  She is rude and disrespectful.  Younger one is 22 and does okay. They do not pay rent yet.   They could afford to move out on their own but do not want to live together.  We are having a family meeting soon and would appreciate any advice. 

 

 I can't really give any advice other than stick to your guns. I'm sure you know this, so hope I don't sound patronising.
 If you want them to leave then they must go. It is your home and they are disrespectful and don't even pay rent. They appear to have an inflated sense of entitlement and if you have had enough then you have the upper hand here it's your home they need to find their own new home as they are adults. Don't take any emotional blackmail just stay focussed on your goal. I would give them 2 months to find alternative accomodation and another month to move out. Keep reminding them at what stage in the 3 month agreement they are up to. Don't waiver if you want them to move out. However if you don't mind them living with you if they can be tidier etc. then charge them rent which includes a cleaner and laundry service. Make it a legal document.
My situation is similar to yours. I have 2 girls one 24 one 20. However both are very respectful and a joy to have around the house, maybe a bit untidy bit that is a family failing. The younger one is away at University and the elder lives at home and occasionally talks of moving out. She has a University degree and has a job and pays rent. To be honest I'll miss them like mad when eventually they do move out (as will their Dad) but when it happens, so be it.
Let us know how you get on, remember stay focussed on your goal!
 
January 28, 2007, 10:43 am CST

Im Going Crazy and dont Know How To STOP

I am a Wife and mother of 3. My life is total caos. My husband and i are back together after a seperation of my causing.We are having problems because of our kids and my depresion. About my kids ....20 year old fancies herself in love with coke addict boyfriend who stole from her job and was arrested recently for a warrant. they were living out of her car and thinking that was normal???? when he was arested we flattened her tires so she couldnt go anywhere.She is hooked on coke and i found a crack pipe in her purse 2 weeks ago.yet she denies using. she is so disrespectful and full of hate she says we never did anything for her as parents except make her fat. she walks around the house cussing and yelling she has no respect for anyone she is making our house so full of tension. When she was in high school she was on honor roll and took honors classes she loved learning. My 17 year old son is failing out of highschool and will not graduate with his class. My thirteen year old daughter is failing junior high and doesnt care all she wants to do is be a star and sing for a living and I support her in that. I feelk like I am going crazy and I dont know how to stop
 
February 4, 2007, 9:16 am CST

Computer Son

My 19 yr. old son (soon to be 20) just quit his job and doesn't know what he wants to do.  He sits in his bedroom 24/7 on his computer playing internet games.  He is not ambitious and can make up many different excuses for not wanting to work here or there.  I believe him to still be immature as he does still ask for permission to go out and often lets me know where he is going.  I am at wits end as to what to do with him.  He has one friend, that I am aware of, and he really is lacking in social skills.  I am worried about his health, as he eats very unhealthy.  He is a good kid, as he never gets into trouble or anything like that.  I cannot kick him out onto the street.  That is not an option for me.  Someone please help me to figure out what to do with him!
 
February 6, 2007, 5:00 am CST

Too hot to handle

Quote From: kellyjreyes

I am a Wife and mother of 3. My life is total caos. My husband and i are back together after a seperation of my causing.We are having problems because of our kids and my depresion. About my kids ....20 year old fancies herself in love with coke addict boyfriend who stole from her job and was arrested recently for a warrant. they were living out of her car and thinking that was normal???? when he was arested we flattened her tires so she couldnt go anywhere.She is hooked on coke and i found a crack pipe in her purse 2 weeks ago.yet she denies using. she is so disrespectful and full of hate she says we never did anything for her as parents except make her fat. she walks around the house cussing and yelling she has no respect for anyone she is making our house so full of tension. When she was in high school she was on honor roll and took honors classes she loved learning. My 17 year old son is failing out of highschool and will not graduate with his class. My thirteen year old daughter is failing junior high and doesnt care all she wants to do is be a star and sing for a living and I support her in that. I feelk like I am going crazy and I dont know how to stop
I certainly feel my situation pales by comparison, and I am sorry you are experiencing the drama you wrote about.

If I found drug paraphanalia (a crack pipe) in my daughter's belongings, I would simply call the police and let them sort it out. People with addictions (like to crack) are master manipulators and have used us to practice and hone their craft. Like you, I have a daughter who is an addict, except mine's addictions are a bit different. I've had to come to terms with the fact that I am not a professional in the counseling business and need the help and advice of those who are to deal with my daughter's fantastic stories. In other words, I believe, and have concerns, that there is too much going on in your family for you to try to go it alone. It sounds like a powder keg and before there is another crime committed, I'd step up to the plate and get some heavy outside intervention.

Wishing you well.
Selah
 
February 11, 2007, 8:18 am CST

same problem

Quote From: mmcturk

 I can't really give any advice other than stick to your guns. I'm sure you know this, so hope I don't sound patronising.
 If you want them to leave then they must go. It is your home and they are disrespectful and don't even pay rent. They appear to have an inflated sense of entitlement and if you have had enough then you have the upper hand here it's your home they need to find their own new home as they are adults. Don't take any emotional blackmail just stay focussed on your goal. I would give them 2 months to find alternative accomodation and another month to move out. Keep reminding them at what stage in the 3 month agreement they are up to. Don't waiver if you want them to move out. However if you don't mind them living with you if they can be tidier etc. then charge them rent which includes a cleaner and laundry service. Make it a legal document.
My situation is similar to yours. I have 2 girls one 24 one 20. However both are very respectful and a joy to have around the house, maybe a bit untidy bit that is a family failing. The younger one is away at University and the elder lives at home and occasionally talks of moving out. She has a University degree and has a job and pays rent. To be honest I'll miss them like mad when eventually they do move out (as will their Dad) but when it happens, so be it.
Let us know how you get on, remember stay focussed on your goal!
great kid, but all of a sudden, refuses to do anything at all around the house, sits on his computer at least 15 hours a day, sleeps until afternoon.  Example we give him a car to use, its a second car, for me if I need it or my other son also when he is home from college.  Well,  we do not use it anymore because we are not buying his gas, so finally  got him to wash it, we live in snow country, he spent an hour demanding that I give him money to wash it with, even though he has spent $1500 on video games in the past year out of his savings.  He worked while in high school and college but now thinks he should get a top of the line job and until then we should support him. Anyhow, we no longer give him gas money or any money, and we are going to give him a deadline as to when he needs to move out.  By the way he did wash the car with his own money.  He is a very talents artist and can act also, great at music but he is disrespectful to me and his younger brother.  I do not know who he is right now, but I am not going to back down to his demands, this is my house, his home, he is not in charge.  Hopefully he will see the light and be the young man I raised. He is a college graduate, but right now he is a brat.  My advice is do not back down, if my son will not clean his room, I do it, I put his things  where I want them, I told him my house is going to be kept clean, if you do not want your things messed with then clean them up. If I think its trash away it goes.  Don't like my way, do it yourself.  Hopefully he will  be able to find a job soon, he has been  looking but needs to try harder.  Its amazing  how a kid can change     so fast,  but hopefully we will see the light at the end of the tunnel
 
February 12, 2007, 3:11 am CST

THE PRODUCT OF ULTIMATE SELFISHNESS

I once dated a "boy" (as "man" is not fitting for this individual). He was from a an eventually divorced family (by his late teens). The father was a typical loser with a job barely sufficient to keep the family. They lived in a 2 bedroom apt. with the kids upstairs in their own rooms and the parents sleeping downstairs on the pullout couch. I'd never judge this situation but it's hard to overlook that this loser father had money to buy a car for a kid on the basketball team he coached, money to take out the pathetic loser women who would knowingly date a married man with a family amongst other purchases for anyone else in his life but his family. This left basically a married single mother who knowingly and continually took abuse and disrespect from her loser husband. As many single mothers do often in life, she made her son the "man in her life". And to compensate for the loser father factor, she did everything for her son. Without realizing, she robbed her son of growing the skills to be a decent human being and the chance to truly know what it is to be a responsible adult. Cut to him getting roped into being married by a typical dysfunctional woman. Of course, they brought a child into the world (in hopes to improve their horrible relationship), he cheated on his wife the year his son was born, and continued to cheat as he learned from his father. He finds this okay and has no idea how hurtful it is because his PATHETIC mother showed him what's appropriate in life. When his mother finally got the courage to kick out the loser father for cheating one more time (with her very dear friend - they are now married, and he still cheats on the slag he married) she still went to his new apartment and fixed it up for him!!!!! Can you imagine the message this gave her son??? This "boy", in his 40's is still dependant upon his Mommy and vice versa. She continues to pay for his basic life necessities, creates lies to her family and creates lies about others in their social circle to this very day. WHY???? Because she is embarrassed of her son. What she should be embarrassed about is her ultimate version of being a selfish pig. It's obviously more important for her to keep social appearances up than face areas in need of improvement. If she lets her 40 something year old child grow up and gain full responsibility for himself, he might not "need" her anymore. She'll continue to do everything for him...so he NEEDS her. What a selfish cow!!!! She uses the reasoning of "but I love him, he is my child". One more time here people, what a selfish cow. She keeps him weak so he needs her. To me, that's not love. That's selfish in disguise. Here is a grand example of why there are sooooo many pathetic, jackhole men out there. Their mommies set the example. Their mommies make them weak. I realize parenting (even with both parents) is difficult. I just wish the adults or persons in charge of raising children would stop using them for selfish reasons!!!
 
February 12, 2007, 3:15 am CST

THE PRODUCT OF ULTIMATE SELFISHNESS

I once dated a "boy" (as "man" is not fitting for this individual). He was from a an eventually divorced family (by his late teens). The father was a typical loser with a job barely sufficient to keep the family. They lived in a 2 bedroom apt. with the kids upstairs in their own rooms and the parents sleeping downstairs on the pullout couch. How nice that this "boy" remembers hearing his mother call out his father's name as they were having sex on their 'bed" downstairs. I'd never judge this situation but it's hard to overlook that this loser father had money to buy a car for a kid on the basketball team he coached, buy uniforms for them (but not for his son who played on another team) ,money to take out the hussie women who would knowingly date a married man with a family, amongst other purchases for anyone else in his life but his family. This left basically a married single mother who knowingly and continually took abuse and disrespect from her loser husband. As many single mothers do often in life, she made her son the "man in her life". And to compensate for the loser father factor, she did everything for her son. Without realizing, she robbed her son of growing the skills to be a decent human being and the chance to truly know what it is to be a responsible adult. Cut to him getting roped into being married by a typical dysfunctional woman. Of course, they brought a child into the world (in hopes to improve their horrible relationship), he cheated on his wife the year his son was born, and continued to cheat, as he learned from his father. He finds this okay and has no idea how hurtful it is because his PATHETIC mother showed him what's appropriate in life. When his mother finally got the courage to kick out the loser father for cheating one more time (with her very dear friend - they are now married, and he still cheats on the slag he married) she still went to his new apartment and fixed it up for him!!!!! Can you imagine the message this gave her son??? This "boy", in his 40's is still dependant upon his Mommy and vice versa. She continues to pay for his basic life necessities, creates lies to her family and creates lies about others in their social circle to this very day. WHY???? Because she is embarrassed of her son. What she should be embarrassed about is her ultimate version of being a selfish pig. It's obviously more important for her to keep social appearances up than face areas in need of improvement. If she lets her 40 something year old child grow up and gain full responsibility for himself, he might not "need" her anymore. She'll continue to do everything for him...so he NEEDS her. What a selfish cow!!!! She uses the reasoning of "but I love him, he is my child". One more time here people, what a selfish cow. She keeps him weak so he needs her. To me, that's not love. That's selfish in disguise. Here is a grand example of why there are sooooo many pathetic, jackhole men out there. Their mommies set the example. Their mommies make them weak. I realize parenting (even with both parents) is difficult. I just wish the adults or persons in charge of raising children would stop using them for selfish reasons!!!
 
February 12, 2007, 3:23 am CST

Adult Children Living at Home

Quote From: bambino

My 19 yr. old son (soon to be 20) just quit his job and doesn't know what he wants to do.  He sits in his bedroom 24/7 on his computer playing internet games.  He is not ambitious and can make up many different excuses for not wanting to work here or there.  I believe him to still be immature as he does still ask for permission to go out and often lets me know where he is going.  I am at wits end as to what to do with him.  He has one friend, that I am aware of, and he really is lacking in social skills.  I am worried about his health, as he eats very unhealthy.  He is a good kid, as he never gets into trouble or anything like that.  I cannot kick him out onto the street.  That is not an option for me.  Someone please help me to figure out what to do with him!
start simply. CONSEQUENCE is a key word here. Take away the thing which wastes his time the most....COMPUTER. I hope, at his age, he has responsibilities around the house. A loving mother who does all for her child, often creates a child with a warped sense of reality. They have no idea what it really takes to "make it" in the world because they have never been given the chance to work hard, get frustrated, feel what it's like to be dog tired. Without those little life experiences, their view is that everything will be okay because Mommy will make it okay for me. I don't think that's what parents ultimately want. The ultimate gift a parent can give a child is the opportunity to "go through hardships"/"go without"/"earn their keep", ...so that when the parent passes on, at least the parent knows their child can survive...WITHOUT them.
 
February 12, 2007, 3:29 am CST

Adult Children Living at Home

Quote From: parent17

Our adult girls do not do drugs. They both work and have almost completed college (which they paid for). They pay their own bills (car, gas, phone) but they do not want to help around the house.  They have always had chores/responsibilities in the home but choose not to do them now.  They feel that they are adults and should not be told what to do.  All we ask is that they clean their own bathroom, bedroom, laundry and once a week is their supper night (cook & dishes).  If they would take care of their responsibilities on their own no one would be TOLD what to do. The oldest is 24 and rebells against any work at home.  She is rude and disrespectful.  Younger one is 22 and does okay. They do not pay rent yet.   They could afford to move out on their own but do not want to live together.  We are having a family meeting soon and would appreciate any advice. 

 

Why should they pay rent if you enable them? I do NOT mean that in a sarcastic way at all. It's just stating it in the plain simple truth. To be rebellious, disrespectful, and RUDE is WRONG. I think their tune would change if they had an automatic withdrawl from their bank account every month or week. Maybe you could start that account and without telling them, just save it for a deposit and the first three months rent for a place they can BOTH move out to. Think of it this way. What would they do if they suddenly lost you and you had nothing left to their names? They'd find a place to live. KIds are not stupid. They will try every stinkin' angle and spend five times the energy to NOT have to do something. When, in reality, they could do it so easily. It's so hard to overcome NOT taking the irresponsible route.....when they don't have to because someone is their to be their enabler. Best wishes and good luck in being a parent who shares the experience of consequence with their kids.
 
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