Topic : Adult Children Living at Home

 I'm desperate for a solution.  My adult daughter is a "boomerang" child of 30 years.  She has repeated come back home for "just a week" that turns into months.  The latest stay has come to over a year.  She has repeatedly depended on someone else to move in with and the situations have never worked out.  She has two little ones, age 5 and 7.  Now my daughter says she is engaged and marring a man somewhat older and has brought him home too, "temporarily" while they save up to move to MS, his father's hometown.  three months later they are all still here.  I am looking for help suggestions anything that will get them out of our house, not alienate my grandchildren (whom I know without them we would have kicked her out again long ago).  She does not work, is seeing a back pain doctor, and he is not working, and lives off all of us. I have practically "raised" her children and am begining to think they would be better off without her.  My husband and I are near retirement and are fearful we will never be "on our own"

This is an amazing subject to discuss. It is amazing that there are so many parents out there who are being taken advantage of by adult children who think it is perfectly alright to do so and not only that but that they are "entitled." Talking to these numnuts gets nowhere. They become indignant, accusatory and get in touch with anyone who will listen to share their sad story. My daughters were taught responsiblity growing up to. They had after school jobs as soon as they were old enough. They have their own cars that they paid for, insurance, taxes etc, bought their own clothes, went to college, now have double and masters degrees and good jobs but I have brothers that made a life out of taking advantage of my parents and anyone else they could get close enough too. What is it that causes some people to be this way?

My mother passed away in 2003. Mom and Dad had four children;three boys and a girl (me). Two boys were born before dad went off to war and then the last two were born after the war. My oldest brother and I are the responsible ones. My next oldest brother has been a pain all his life. He was sickly growing up and played it for all it was worth. He did manage to get himself through college but thought himself a ladies man and eventually lost several jobs. He married and kept his wife drugged up so she didn't know what was going on. When he lost his last job he moved in with my parents. My Dad was retired but had started a small business and mom was still working. He moved his wife who stayed in bed all day and his two teenage daughters who wouldn;t eat what was put before them and himself into my parents house. They slept on the livingroom floor. When he turned down a job offer my brothers and I got them out of there after a year. Dad said he couldn't take it any more. Brother then got a job, bought a house but then lost the house and his wife finally left  him and got herself medically checked out and taken off of meds. His children don't want anything to do with him. When everything was gone and he was evicted from his apartment and lost all of his furniture in the process he moved back in with our elderly mother. She paid for everything and he sat around and ran his mouth and watched tv. He eventually got a small job but never made an attempt to move. Mom did not want him there but felt she was stuck and obligated because he was her son. While all of this was going on my youngest brother got himself put in jail because of drugs and was released after a year.  As the baby he was always spoiled rotten. My husband and I let him come live with us in another city to attend college after his jail release but he walked all over us and junked whatever we tried to help him with so after 6 mos. we told him hasta la vista. He moved back home with my parents. He got a job framing houses. Long story short he evenutally became a general contractor making lots of money but continued to live with my parents and basically run the show. Eventually Dad said he would have to pay something to stay and so he shelled out a measly 135.00 a month and made every body miserable. He never married. Continued to mooch off my Mom while making tons of money but paying half of household expenses. Him from his bank roll, her from her pension,. She would save the grocery receipts so she could be sure to get as much money as possible toward expenses each  month. It all makes me sick. Everyone thought when the time came that since he had always lived with mom and had so much money that he would make sure she could live her days out at home as her heart desired. No such thing. He found a low rent (not nice) nursing home for her and would not shell out what was needed to get her home. To say the least I figured every which way but I was raising my children as a single parent living in a two bedroom house and could do no more while working full time. He was not working just living off his gold. So there they were the next oldest brother now 72 and the youngest brother now 55 living in Mom's house and she in a nursing home. I took care of all of her finances at her and dad's request and the estate but the brothers still managed to steal $2500 from Mom's account and to keep the death benefit for her burial for themselves. Have you ever heard of such sleeze? I can't believe these men come from the same family I come from. There's more but this is enough said. The house was left to the four children in the will but these two jerks refuse to move, refuse to pay rent and refuse to take care of the place. It looks and smells like a dump. A court order would get them out but I would still have to do everything to get the house ready to sell and that would be considerable then argue and fuss with them regarding the sale and negotiations. It tics me of that all of their lives they have gotten away with this stuff! 
I hate that my mother was not able to live out her days quietly enjoying her home and her grandchildren.
It does get worse. One of the brothers has now been found to have molested one of our nieces and broken up another man's marriage. The other brother goes to the Walmart in his "rascal" and leers at young girls and follows women around town just to watch them go  into their jobs. He's been arrested twice for solicitation. Where did these weird people come from and how did they get to be my brothers?
To say the least it is impossible to have "family" with them.

One of my good friends has this problem. I met him my junior year of college and we've been pals ever since. Well we graduated and went our seperate ways but have been good at staying in touch. Now like most of us, he moved home after college to get his feet on the ground before starting his life. But it's been 3 1/2 years since we graduated and he is still living with his parents! Heck, he didn't even have a job until the beginning of this year. He tried being a bus boy for awhile but he couldn't hack it. Even illegal immigrants could do that job with their eyes closed but not Wes. I went to visit him in Boston last winter and the house was very nice. He has a little dungeon in the basement where his parents don't go and he kept saying, "this is a pretty cool setup, right?". So we were down there drinking beer and i had this sickening feeling that i was still in High School or something. i kept thinking to myself, if his parents came down where should i try and hide the beer. I think he has some real dependency issues. It doesn't seem like he can do anything without his mom. When he was accepting the job he has now, he didn't know how to do it. First he asked his mom whether he should call or write an email. then he asked his mom to proof read the email. then he asked if he should send it before lunch or after lunch. After getting insight from his mom he asked her, "what day should i start?". Getting iritated, i frankly said "is this job yours or your moms?".   He has just become so lazy and comfortable in his living situation that i just don't think i can reach him anymore. So i'm turning to you. Dr. Phil, please advise.

i've been married to my wonderful husband just a year.  he has one son - almost 21. my 2 sons, 20, and 25 are living on their own and self sufficient.  my stepson works but pays nothing but his truck payment.  he comes home angry everyday.  he uses one racial slur after another. he is obsessed with his father not spending enough time with him. he has never said one bad thing to me but his actions say plenty!  i feel he considers me an intruder and wishes i would fall off the face of the earth!  his words scare me! he is always saying he wishes his boss would die or that so-and-so would get their head blown off!  i have tried talking to my husband about this but he says it's just "his way." i finally spent the night at my old house one night this week to get away from him.  has anyone out there ever dealt with a situation like this?

please see my message posted just yesterday.  your story is exactly like mine except my stepson is angry and possessive of his father.  i finally expressed this past week that i am scared of the boy.  it didn't go over well because his father is so used to him being angry and violent (has thrown punches at his father more than once). don't marry this man until situation changes!

I am dating a guy that I grew up with, I always knew his mother never wanted him or his brother to get married, but now we are in our 40s and have been seeing each other for a year or so, we live 10 hours away from each other, but we can make that work, what will not work is his mother.  He actually told her that we are not seeing each other anymore, to keep her off his back, he can't do anything with out upsetting her.  She is even mad if he goes to work.  We dont see each other on holidays, or birthdays, and I can't call the house, ( he still lives with her ) and I can't send him any mail, I have to send it to his work.  We talk on his way to work and his way home, and at night we chat on the computer.  But she figures he is talking to someone and keeps bothering him.  As I said we have known each other all our lives.  This is now really getting to me.  I planned a surprise weekend up to where he lives about an hour away, and was going to call and say I am at the airport , come get me.  We something told me to just ask him what he would do if I did that, and he said that he would get me at the airport, spend a few hours with me, then he would have to go home because she would be upset if he were not home for dinner, and then he would have a friend of his take me to the airport on Sunday, I cancelled my trip.  I love him , but this is getting old fast.   Please help

The reason that
I put this in this subject is that he is still living and home and I can't get him to move out.  He is now 43, has been telling me for a year that he is going to get his own place, then his mother lays a guilt trip on him and that is over with.  This is killing me, I have always loved him, but please help!

It sounds like your boyfriend is his mother’s substitute husband - but he is going along with it! Why does he jump when momma says to jump? Besides ‘getting upset,’ what else does his mother do- does she threaten to kick him out? Ask him what the worst case scenario is; what is he most afraid will happen if he doesn’t constantly please his mother? And then, when you know what the worst case scenario is, ask him what would HE do if that happened? When is he going to take control of his own life, stop being momma’s puppet? You deserve to know the answer to that question, because it is going to determine how long you should wait around for him. I’m not trying to be negative about this, but you have to consider this: he has lived this way all of his life, and being ‘momma’s boy’ is a habit that will be difficult to break. Have you considered your own “worst-case scenario?” Meaning, if he never started living his own life - and how long you are going to wait around for him to start doing that? I hope I have at least given you some things to think about. I wish you the best!

yes i must agree that since his dad died, it has gotten worse.  The thing that gets me is that i can't send him anything in the mail, or even call him on the weekends.  He is not afraid of being kicked out he could get his own place, he is juat afraid of her saying that he walked out on her.  And how can he dissapoint a 70 some year old woman.  I am divorced and my ex is wanting to work things out, I am thinking about it as I do not want to waste my time waiting for something that will never happen, I have come to the conclusion that it will not with us.( the mommas man)  thanks for everything

 

I have been dating a wonderful man for about 13 months. He has two adult children, ages 23 and 27. The 27 year old is currrently going thru a divorce after six years of marriage and has two small children. She has her own home and is relatively self-sufficent. When I met my boyfriend, he was living alone after 28 years of marriage to an alcoholic, prescription drug, compulsive gambler, chain smoking addict. He raised his two children with this woman well into adulthood, then he divorced. The ex-wife still continues her behavior and has a boyfriend she lives with. But she also rents the downstairs of the home from her daughter so she has somewhere to 'stay' when she goes to work, less than an eighth of a mile away. Her primary residence is an apartment just 20 minutes away with her boyfriend. I wanted to give you a little history so that any responses to this message will be from knowledge of background, and not pure emotion.

 

After less than a month dating this man, he told me his son would be moving back in to stay until he gets on his feet. He also had about 15,000.00 in debt that his father paid off for him. The son has a girlfriend that doesn't get along with her mother so after a short time she also moved in. It has been one year and I really don't see any progress towards independance. They are absolute pigs and the once prestine house he had when I first met him no longer exisists. I will come over and there will be the same dishes in the sink for days! Not to mention fresh laundry piled on the couch in a heap, unfolded. Don't even get me started on their bedroom. All I can say is, when and of they ever leave, the carpet needs to be replaced and walls painted/repaired. My boyfriend built this house with his own two hands. And the ex-wife had it during the separation and completely destroyed the interior to the point he had to gut the house and start over!

 

The 'kids' are saving up for a house so my boyfriend does not get any rent or contributions to utilities. They only have to pay for their food. They two combined do not make enough income to handle the 300,000.00 mortgage they are targeting. And the only mortgage they qualify for is a Lease to Own. I bought my own home after my divorce and am self sufficent. Some say a little too independent. But I was raised to be a productive adult when I left my home at the tender age of 18. I have never been back other then to visit. I have had my shares of ups and downs and a failed marriage. My boyfriend is 50 and I am 44. I don't feel we can move on with our relationship as long as the two kids are at home. I want to share a life and home with a man. It's not that these two kids can't make it on their own, but while Dad enables the behavior and allows them free room and board, why should they leave?Heck, if I could live some where for free and bank my monthly mortgage, I'd be financially on my way to being set for life! Plus I could be driving that BMW I always wanted. But alias, I have a mortgage and monthly expenses I have to pay every month.

 

I know he feels guilty for raising his two children with the woman he chose as their mother. He allowed her behavior to control and manipulate the family. This is where the adult children know how to do the same as far as their father is concerned. As an outsider I see this all too well. I do love this man, but not only do I have to deal with the baggage of his marriage but also the plights of the children. The 27 year old girl has called from bars completely drunk, needing a ride home. Seems the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. He should have taken those children away from that dysfunctional relationship  a long time ago, but he stayed due to his deep religious convictions.

 

How do I deal with the frustration I feel? How do I talk contructively with my boyfriend about my feelings? Any insight would be appreciated...