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Topic : Adult Children Living at Home

Number of Replies: 365
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, September 15, 2006, 04:13:09 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Do you or someone you know still have an adult child living at home either out of necessity, or just plain laziness?  Share your stories here.

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February 19, 2009, 2:24 pm CST

I'm running out of patience

I am 58 years old and finally, 3 years ago, I married the man of my dreams.  However, his 28 year old son is still living with us, and I'm growing impatient with the situation.  I know it could be so much worse than it is, but my situation is my situation, and I would appreciate a little input from anybody out there.  He's a great guy, my stepson.  He was an All-American baseball player with real talent.  He was drafted into the minor leagues, but after a serious hamstring injury, had to quit the sport.  That summer, he hunkered down in the little studio apartment adjoining our house, and did nothing but play softball and hardball with local non-paying teams.  He then got a little job doing work at an auto body shop, but did nothing to help around the house. When I brought this up with his Father, he made an attempt to have his son help me with the heavy yard work.  I can't tell you how it galled me to be marching back and forth with a wheelbarrow full of yard debris, and slinging a pick axe out in the back yard- or as I call it- the forest primeval, while this grown man was sleeping till noon every day.  He grudgingly asked me if I needed help exactly once after that, and did a half-baked job of what I asked him to do.  His father never spoke to him again about it, although I told him what was going on,  and to keep the peace, I let it go, because I knew he was going back to graduate school in the fall, and that would take up all his time in a gainful way.  That, I was willing to go along with, and happy to be able to do for him while he was getting his degree.  Now, 2 years out of graduate school, he still has no permanent teaching position through no fault of his own (I don't think- perhaps he could have cast a broader net.  He wants to work in the local school district only).  He's making minimum $90.00 a day and maximum $200.00 a day when he has a long-term substitute position.  He's had 2 of those in the last two years.  He still lives with us, pays no rent, and now wants to knock out the wall between his studio apartment and the family room with the big picture window looking out onto our deck and backyard- the only place of peace and solitude I have with my husband.  He says he needs to do this for his own "mental health."  Meanwhile, my husband told him he could do this.  This is an idea we were discussing when we were going to knock down the wall AFTER the 28 year old moved out, and turn the studio apartment and the family room with the picture window into a kitchen and great room, and turn the existing kitchen into part of the living room.  We since decided to renovate the existing kitchen for financial reasons.  Somehow the idea of knocking down the wall has stayed in the picture, and I can't believe that my husband thinks it's ok!!  We did not disagree about the point in front of his son, who has no idea that any of this is going on.  The difficulty is between me and my husband.  I think he's too soft on his sons.  He feels guilty that their mother left the family about 8 years ago, and I think he's disinclined to do anything that might alienate his son.  Any thoughts?

 
March 5, 2009, 12:14 pm CST

Adult Children Living at Home

We have a 21 year old son who tried to kill himself and upon release from the hospital, moved back home.  He was diagnosed as bipolar, but isn't regularlly participating in treatment.  He takes medication occasionally and has gone to therapy twice since being released from the hospital two months ago.  We realize we can't make him get the help he needs, but his not getting help and continuing a lot of the same behaviors and many of the same relationships that put him on the path that eventually led him to the hospital.  It is very stressful for my husband and I to sit by and do nothing.  We find ourselves feeling helpess and depressed and it's affecting our relationship as well.  Any advice?
 
March 8, 2009, 7:59 pm CDT

How to Get My Sister Out of the House?

My sister, her husband, and their three kids have been mooching off my parents since before they were married eight years ago. Except, of course for the few months here and there when they have mooched of his mother and the State of Arizona. My mom has had severe health problems in the last 2 years, and my dad was recently layed off. They are finally ready to put their foot down and kick my sister out. They have completely ruined their house, don't pay a penny in rent, and recently spent a good chunck of their tax refund on a flat screen tv. No one at the house answers the phone anymore because of the bill collectors that continue to call my sister, who is not paying anything she owes and will soon see her vehicle repossessed (which is a good thing, since there is no insurance or current registration on it).

 

My question is: Has anyone successfully removed adult children from their home and how did you go about it? The last time my sister moved back in, there was no real agreement on rent or length of stay; my sister just promised it wouldn't be too long. 2 years later, can my parents legally tell them to pay rent or get out? It is their house, and I don't see why not, but I also don't see my sister and her lazy husband getting off the couch and getting a steady to job to pay anything. So, when they don't pay, then what? Do my parents take them to court? My mom is sick of it, and her health can no longer take them living there. She has asked me for help in dealing with my sister and I don't know where to begin--I don't think she really does either. Thanks for any help!

 
March 18, 2009, 4:28 pm CDT

Adult Children Living at Home

i need my sister out of my house

shes an alcoholic and drug addict and is taking my mom

for granted. with two young children in the house. My mom doesnt

allow drinking but ohhhh no. she doesnt listen she does anything she wants .. cuz kaitlin never lies and kaitlin never does anything wrong. its pathedic. shes a lesbian.. she never listens she deserves to be in a pysc.. ward for all i care. all she does is bring problems.  OUT NOW ?

 
April 7, 2009, 1:16 pm CDT

Help with dysfunctional 21 year old son

Where do I begin- doesn't matter I suppose - only child - son who is 21 will not follow through on anything much.

Very bright - went to a good college out of HS... screwed up royally there - dropped out after 1 year- worked a little but left several jobs on bad terms, took a few classes here & there- dropped some- FAST FORWARD... now living with friend in friend's family's home- did manage to complete one semester of community college- but this semester - took 4 classes, dropped 2 and will not work. Has all kinds of excuses & places blame - as to why he dropped 2 classes & can't  keep a job. Has been to therapy before - but doesn't see the benefit ... has been on several anti-anxiety meds (Lexapro, Effexor) and is currently on ADD meds - Adderall.

No self control, no discipline... We are all on a merry-go-round - son keeps making the same mistakes over & over & over again by starting and not finishing things. We all keep setting that re-start button- to watch it all over again... I'm getting sick of being dizzy!
 
May 25, 2009, 12:34 am CDT

Adult Child at Home

We have a wonderful 24 year old daughter who has graduated college, ended a 7 year relationship, and has moved back home.  Although we all have been very close in the past, we have noticed changes in her. She admits to being depressed but refuses professional help.  Her weight fluctuates greatly. She goes out at night with friends to bars, comes home very late and has not sent out one resume or looked for work since she graduated almost a year ago.  She spends most of her time at home on the computer as a social outlet.  She takes care of her car payment and insurance as well as cell phone expenses.  We have introduced her to job opportunities and paid for a trip to NY to meet contacts.  She did beautifully meeting and speaking with these folks but nothing was followed up.  A time has been set for her to start paying rent and she has expressed her desire to move out but seems very nervous about being responsible for herself.  Are we missing signals or being too pushy?  Are we rewarding bad behavior?  Not sure now to deal with this and very stressed and tired.  She feels guilty and bad about herself and imagines the worst in every situation. 

 
May 28, 2009, 3:04 pm CDT

Adult Children Living at Home

hi my name is mary i live in my older brother's 2 story guest cabanna since my dad and mom fight constantly like that every day my dad doesn't realize he has a serrious attitude problem here and i noticed this same attitude in nephew billy who is 5 yrs old so i nipped my nephew billy's bad behavior right away in the butt today i said if you ever want to see your grandpa ever again i do not want you repeating his language you here from him in our house ever again or you'll never see your grandpa ever again since that is potty mouth language around here.! eventhough i am his auntie i nip this type of behavior right in the butt since this behavior can lead to gangs, drugs and etc i don't want him to end up in jail for his attitude problem he said his grandpa gets away with it i told him his grandpa was raised from an abusive biological father back in savanna il that had a drinking problem where he would get himself drunk and beat your grandpa up everynight he came home from being intoxicated.

 

my dad doesn't talk to me anymore ever since i told him he needs help for his gambling and attitude problem here that is breaking up our whole family in naples fl i have withdrawn myself from doing thiings wth my father for good since he is beyond help here so whenever they go out to dinner i just say no thank you since its embarrassing for me to be seen in public with my dad here.

 

 

 
June 8, 2009, 2:50 pm CDT

HELP...input needed; 36 yr old adult son living at home!

I really don't know where to start with this, but I feel SO frustrated at this point.  My son is 36 years old, and has a kidney disease.  He does need medical attention on a regular basis.  He moved into our home last August because he was ill and needed a surgery.  He got the surgery in Dec (11th) and is now doing very as well as to be expected physically.  He is in stage 4 renal failure (dialysis and a transplant are imminent).    We took him in knowing that it would take some time to get himself in good health again, but not knowing how long.  So there was so time limit set.  Well, now, he is doing NOTHING but going to his dr. on a monthly basis.  He says he is trying to educate himself on his computer, lives in the basement and takes meals here.  He does get some disability and that helps him to pay for his food, but everything else we have to deal with.  I am so tired of this.  Let me interject here that my adult daughter is living here with her 3 year old daughter too.  My daughter is highly educated and highly motivated. She asked to be here for a period of time  to see if she could get her business off the ground and make enough to live on.  (by the way...she has lived here before the child and we had no problems with money or motivation to work) .  Somehow that doesn't bother me nearly as much, as I babyset the child and make money from it....her business is starting to do  fairly well and she is contributing to our home maintenance.  She pays rent, buys food, and pays me to babyset.  I am comfortable with this situation as right now our business is down and she is a help.  And I also know that there is a  time limit set (this fall) that if she cann't make it outside of our home, she will go back to teaching and get her own place.   And she has always been this way...she pays her own way.  But my son has never really had any motivation (no college education, no real interest in working, etc).   To be fair, as a child (to the age of 17) he had 15 major surgeries and many many hospitalizations.  So he really didn't have the average childhood.  He is in stage 4 renal failure, and we all feel hopeless.  He would love to be out of here and have his own place, but how?  I always end up feeling like I'm being a mean parent when I try to push him along!  But I want to help him to move on. Any ideas out there?  I do so appreciate any input I can get! 
 
June 11, 2009, 8:41 pm CDT

My Older Sister

My Sister who is older than me by 5 years (she is 52) has kinda been on her own but not on her own, I recently allowed her to move in with me with the understanding that she would have to give me $200.00 every two weeks, this has never happened, she has only been giving me $200.00 a month and I recently lost my job and I told her she needs to step it up, she said that my guy friend also needs to step it up, (he was lrecently laid off) but I told him he would still need to pay the electric and my maitenance and food, this total averages around $500.00 plus per month... My sister has done this to my Father and also another sister...Her children also tried to allow her to live with them and it also did'nt work out...What I am doing wrong??? Please help with any ideas please.....
 
June 23, 2009, 12:00 pm CDT

How young is too young to kick your children out?

I have 2 problems.  I know that I have created both of them but I ask myself...how young is too young?  I have a 19 year old son and his girlfriend (same age) living with me.  The girlfriend is really like my own.  Her parents do not speak alot of English and appear to be good people but they did not assist the girl hardly at all when it came to get her off to college last fall.  I took her to orientation, registration, bought her food, paid to repair her car one, and bought stuff like rugs, plates, etc for her dorm.  My son went off to college (UGA) at the other end of the state which I thought would do them some good since they have been dating since the 9th grade.  Needless to say I filled out applications, loans, scholarships and the whole nine yards and had them squared away to live away from home. 

 

Well, my son was steadily screwing up.  He got a DUI in his roommates car because I did not let him take his.  I had to sell his truck to pay for the lawyer plus add another $1000.  We are only in the 1st semester of college for about 3 or 4 weeks.    After Christmas break, my son got caught with marijuana in his dorm room.  He was suspended from college and had to come home. 

 

Well, since my son was home, the girlfriend wore the tires off her car to come home every weekend to see him (it was a 2 1/2 hour drive).  When her car didn't work anymore, she would hitch rides with someone else from school but would not make it back to school on time.  She missed classes and I think ended up failing one or two (don't know for sure because no one will tell me).  Now she is home for the summer but cannot go back to the original college because she had different scholarships and programs.  They won't cover her now.  She has decided to go to a local university.

 

The deal with my son was that he would work full time and pay me $50 a week rent.  That would include his food and everything.  Well, that has happened (the $50) about 6 times since he came home in mid January.  The girlfriend watches her sister's kids - she has been home since maybe April, oh, and every weekend from Thursday night to Tuesday morning while she was in school.  She does not contribute anything, I mean she does not wash a dish or nothing.  When I gripe about it, I am being mean and I don't love her anymore since my boyfriend doesn't like her.  In all honesty, he doesn't I dont guess...mainly because she is a little snobby and she she definitely is lazy. 

 

Sometimes when I am out of town or whatever, I have come home to the following:

** the house looking like a wreck

** KY jelly on my nightstand

**my bathroom garbage can on the side of my bed for the purpose of a "just in case I puke" pail

**my son's girlfriend's panties MY shower

**puke on my shower scrunchy

 

Out of all of that which has been the past 3 or 4 months, I have never received a sorry or nothing.  They do not even attempt to clean up the evidence.  It is awful.  I find that I am starting to feel resentment to my son and his girlfriend.

 

Finally, I have had it.  I told both of them that they have until August 1st.  The girlfriend's brother has decided to take my job of enabling them and letting them rent a house that he owns for dirt cheap supposively by July 1st - wow, even sooner.  Don't get me wrong, I am glad they have a nice place to stay, I am glad they are getting out of my hair, but I just hope they learn something because I feel like everybody else, I do not want them to come back.

 

However, I have been reading some of the blogs, and I see that some people have older kids than 19 years old driving them crazy.  I just want to do the right thing...plus, I wanted to vent! 

 
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