Topic : Adult Children Living at Home

Hi

My husband and I have been married for 20 years.  Of the 20 years he has only worked about 5 yrs on and off.  The rest of the time he has been sitting on his butt doing nothing.  We have two children and I am the main support of the family.  It is a luck y thing that I make good money enough to live comfortably as I do have a university education and I am continuing to study.  My husband refuses to go and look for a job and everytime we seem to get into big arguments about this. My son is almost 18 yrs old and he wants my son who is in full time school to find a job.  It is like the pot calling the kettle black.  I have told him so many times that he cannot tell my son to get a job, when he has been sitting on his own butt for almost 15 yrs.  He does not do anything in the house and I am really at my wits end.  He takes over my full pay cheque and I don't even see a penny of it.  I am really gettin frustrated about this.  My children see other fathers working and doing what they have to do and it is very disheartening to see my husband not making any effort to do anything.  He is 52 yrs old and says he is too old to work, yet my father who is 70 continues to work.  Please advise.

This is a little hard to explain so bare with me.

My younger brother’s girlfriend has moved in with us (not that she asked, she just came over and never left). She is nineteen and suffers from depression and she was too much for her mum to handle so she moved in with us because she has nowhere else to go.

My brother and her argue quite a bit, more or less everyday in fact, and she is emotional and has mood swings and there have been times when my brother has woken us up in the middle of the night because she has gotten out of hand (maybe violent, I’m not saying it officially because I don’t know) and he is afraid and wants our help. And then we have dealt with screams and crying until four in the morning (when we have work at eight I might add).

And that’s not all. She seems to have a go at my mum. Everything isn’t good enough and her parents do and have better. She has had a go at my mum because she has had to do the dishwasher after dinner that is something my mum could easily do while she is cooking it.

And she lives here for free! She pays nothing towards the house because she hasn’t got a high paying job so can’t afford it (where a student depended on her own self employed business, a student loan and several overdrafts (like moi) can).

It has gotten to the stage where my mother doesn’t want to go on holiday because she will be there and she has admitted to me she doesn’t like being at home.

She also feels like she can’t talk to my brother’s girlfriend about this because she isn’t her mother so can’t really “discipline” her, she doesn’t want to put pressure on her because of her depression and she doesn’t think she can handle her in an “argument setting”.

My mum suffers from depression as well. We lost my dad about two years ago and I feel like she is starting to get better. She seems happier and more relaxed. She used to have this fear of not being busy (the whole house as been redone) but now she is taking up hobbies again and is not constantly doing housework. And now whenever something with my brother’s girlfriend happens I am scared we are going to go backwards again.

I have told mum that she should not let this continue. That she should say something, that she should demand some rent at least but she says she can’t and she asks that I don’t say or do anything.

I think this girl is toxic to my family and there is nothing I can do about it.

Should I step in even if my mum asks me not to?

My boyfriend and his adult son are living in my house. The boyfriend is wanted, but the son has over-stayed his welcome (at least as far as I'm concerned)! Three years ago we offered to have him move in while finishing High School, with strict understanding that once he graduates, he is to be working and move out - just like my own four adult children have successfully done. His son was a real pain during H.S., taking much coaching & prompting from me, but finally eaked out a diploma (with huge "breaks" from the frustrated teachers!). During H.S., and afterward, he's been in & out of jail for stupid things, and not keeping a job for long. He's had a few really good jobs, but then suddenly "gets let go" for reasons unknown - he claims. He always loses his job right before he was expected to get out of the house!!!! Coincidence? Bad luck? His dad thinks so, but I've caught his son in many lies and I'm not buying it for a minute that he's just a victim of society. He's lazy, sleeps til noon if I let him, won't seriously try to get a job - especially if I'm not prompting him every day!, thinks only of himself and feels everything should be done for him and handed to him. His dad enables this attitude by paying his son's cell phone bills, buying his cars, paying his insurance, buying all his food and Mountain Dew, never asking him to pay for a thing - including rent, and then makes me feel like a villain because I don't agree with this! His son will be 21 in November 2009 and I am sick of him taking advantage of us! His dad tells me that if I push this about his son leaving, he'll get his own place so he can provide for his son - I told him he would be stooping to an all-time low as a parent if that is what he does. I've never believed that free-loading is a healthy thing for anyone, whether they be the cause of the problem, or the sufferer of the problem. I love my boyfriend and have tried reasoning with him, but he gets too defensive to talk with and grumbles for days. I fear he won't forgive me if I stick to my guns this time, but this whole mess is driving me crazy! I'm a hard working person, as is my boyfriend, and I hate it when there is someone lounging around the house, enjoying the fruits of our labor (for free!!!!!!!) while we slave to keep the bills paid. My boyfriend has gone so far into debt because of "helping" his two adult children, that I don't even think he could afford a place of his own if he wanted to!  But I'm feeling backed into the corner here and I'm ready to come out fighting. Unfortunately, I'll probably end up without my boyfriend because I refuse to be used. IF my boyfriend stays, how can I get his son out?!  Any ideas?

I have a daughter that is 19 and she was a year behind in school. she as soon as she turned 19 quit. now she will turn 20 in march. I can not get her to help around the house unless its a fight. she has had several jobs that she has quit because she said they were to hard. i don't know what to do with her to understand that life is about working for what you want. and my husband  has 3 older sons that have done well for themselves. so its hard for him to see what I'm going through and judge. could anyone give me in site. i don't give her money unless she earns in by helping around the house. she don't even use the car very offen at all. not much more i could take from her..