Topic : Adult Children Living at Home

I posted this message on another topic, but thought I'd copy it here as sometimes there is another perspective. My mom and I watched the show about adult kids living at home, and it seemed that no one spoke up to say that it's not always bad to live with your parents as an adult. I do want people to know that it can be a good and healthy situation, because we are all very, very happy together.

I’m a 25-yr.-old single professional woman, and I make my living as a musician. I run my own music business, tour 45 weekends a year with my favorite band, and moonlight as a model. When I graduated from college, my parents expressed a wish that I would continue to live at home. My mother was lonely, as my brothers had recently left home, and I had just ended a very harmful long-term relationship and preferred the cheerful atmosphere of home with loved ones to a lonely single apartment or an unknown roommate.

In some ethnic backgrounds, such as my own, adult children living at home is not at all uncommon and is culturally acceptable. I have a large, close, and wonderfully wacky extended family. Several of my single uncles and cousins live with their elderly parents, and do a great deal for them. It makes it possible for the older generation to live independently, which makes them much happier, and the adult children who choose not to marry have companionship and responsibility for someone else (having no family of their own to care for).

While Mom insists I don’t pay rent right now, I try to help out as much as I can. (Sometimes that means being sneaky, like hiding money in Mom's purse!) I love to come home from work and know there’s light, warmth, love and people who care, and it’s fun to leave fresh hot baked surprises and a clean kitchen and bathroom for my parents when they come home from work. While we all work different hours and I travel a lot, we do our best to make quality time for each other on the rare times when we’re all home.

I’ve seen many single young adults, when they live alone, get self-centered and careless of others because they have no one to think about or care for but themselves. Living with family means I always have someone else to think about and do things for.

We tease each other, laugh together, support each other, help each other, do things together, love each other dearly, and only occasionally drive each other crazy. I have many other great friends of both genders, but my family is the absolute best. We’re very close, and they are the greatest friends a person could ever have. I may not always choose to be single, but while I am, I’m very happy living at home. I try my hardest to make it a good thing for my favorite people in the world as well. I’m so thankful that they have given me the opportunity to really get to know them as adults and friends rather than just parent/child. They are great people!! I’d be a lonely, sad woman without their love, support, encouragement, and inspiration—and if I have achieved any success, it’s through the grace of God and the support of my parents.

So many people in today’s world can’t understand why a young, healthy, sane, capable, and independent adult would choose to live at home with parents, viewing it as a “failure to launch”. On the contrary, my parents inspire and encourage me to live my dreams every day, and I want to always be the kind of daughter that makes their lives better too. I’d leave right away if it caused any trouble or tension for them, but they keep telling me how happy they are that I stay. I cover my own personal and business expenses and never want to be a burden on them. I just like their company. They are creative, active, interesting, visionary, and inspiring, and have hearts of gold besides. I love them with all my heart, and am proud to call them my parents—and my very best friends.

Your are exactly right!  Thank you very much for taking the time to respond to my posting.  My boyfriend and I are getting together this week to talk about this topic.  He sent me an email last night stating that he felt my words to him were uncomfortable, but that he was grateful and they made him realize that he has been to "easy" with his sons and that his actions were stemming from his guilt over the divorce. I am hoping that this is the beginning of communicating towards a positive future and will help us get through the many, many more difficult conversations we will probably need to have before we take the "BIG" step.  Thanks again!  

Sounds like your cousin and I have a lot in common.  My father was the provider until when I was 4 years old, he had a brain aneurysm.  He survived, but is now brain damaged and can't work or drive.  My mother had to go back to work and us kids were stuck at home taking care of him and ourselves.  They divorced about 10 years later. 

I did some research last night and called her back with some community resources.  She already had contacted one of them, but she gave the excuse they would only give her $300. She is already living in a subsidized apartment.

I know I can't keep doing this and your advise is correct...I need to stop rescuing her.    I just can't get over the guilt.  Thank you for your advise, I just hope I will use it. 

Hi,

I am a female, 59 living with adult son age 37.  My son does not know his father (father left when I was 3 mos preg) and his father never paid any support.  I lived most of my son's childhood with my caring and loving parents - I was working full time and paying rent to my folks and also paid a babysitter to care for my son.  I got married when my son was about 11 (he never liked his stepfather, who was a policeman)  and then got divorced when my son was about 17.  During this time my son had jobs working part time and going to school - at the end of his high school years I learned that my son was gay - this was a little shock, but  he is my child  and I told him I love him no matter what he is, plus I wasn't too shocked be cause I do have other gay family members.  He moved out of state for a while then came back - then I learned he was HIV positive - this we are getting through - or so I thought, he feels well physically and looks good too, but I do believe that is is hampering him from finding a job (of course this could be my excuse)   About 4 years ago while my son was working as a waiter, he talked me into moving to an apt  (I had been liviing with a friend and needed to get out) with him and he assured me that he would be paying his part of the rent - I agreed, well as soon as we moved he got fired from his job and has not worked since.  I have begged him to look for another job, go back and get some training, apply for some sort of aid - he does nothing.  I am paying for everything and I don't make a great deal of money.  I am living from paycheck to paycheck and most of the time it doesn't quite cover everything.  I am getting desperate - my fiances are shot, my credit cards are maxed out, the rent keeps going up and I am on a lease for another year - I can't save any $$ for retirement or to even go out.  I have asked my son to move and he refuses - he had put his name of some of the utility bills and so I can't even have him evicted because this shows as his residence.  I am so tired of living like this and I don't know what to do.  Does anyone have any suggestions?  My parents are both deceased otherwise I would have asked my Dad to speak to my son, because he was the only one my son ever looked up to.

I need some advice fast!  I have a 22 year old daugther (Hollie) who has two children, and her boyfriend (Justin also father of her children).  They where having financial difficulties mostley due to illegal drugs.  My daugther told me that her boyfriend was doing crack cocain and that she wanted out.  So my husband and my self opened our door to my daugther and her two girls.  After a couple of weeks of her sitting around the house and being depressed she told me that she still loved Justin.  She also told me he was not doing any drugs and he was changing.  Like a big dumby we decided to let him move in,  get there bills cought up and then move out.  We also made some finacial decsisons about how much money they where to give us on a monthley basis( $400.00).  Every time it was time to give me money there was always a fight  and most every week I would end up giving them back some of the money that they gave me to help them get threw the week.  Needless to say I was spending more then $400.00 a month on grocieries and also babysitting for free until my daughter got fired from her job. 
While they where living with us they would be gone almost every night  to wee hours of the night or morning most of the times with both of the kids. I statred suspecting that they where doing drugs again.  I approched them about it and of course they said no.  They finially moved out the middle of Sept. and then two weeks after they move out Justin supposibley got laid off from his job but I say he was fired. 
Soon after they moved out my husband needed to finish up some wood work and went to get the compound saw and it is gone.  I ask my daugther and her boyfriend if they knew where it was and they both said no.  Well neither one of us believed them.  Then I start looking around and I noticed a dimond necklase and ring was missing and I ask my daugther about it and she said that she took it and hocked it for a loan while they where living with us and that she was wrong for taking it and would get it out of hock the next week.  I said did you take the saw also and she said no.  A few days go by and I look for a camara and it is gone also.  So she confesses to taking that also.  Justin told me that they had taken all of it including the saw.  Also my husbands wedding band is gone, but they said they didn't take that.  So naturally I am devisated about all of this and she is yelling at me about how mad she is that I have told her real father and her boyfriends parents.  Up until this time all of us are giving then money.  I know they are both doing drugs along with Justins parents and her real father.  I am so concerend with my grandchildren I am about ready to loose my mind.  I can always call the police and have them arrested but, I don't want this to happen. They are suppose to get our stuff out of hock this week but, I really don't care about the stuff I care about my grandchildren first and then my daugther.  There is a lot more to this story but I really don't want to write this in a letter.  Can you please give me some advice about what I should do ?  I have ask her to take a drug test and she said she won't just because I want her to.

HELP

I am heart broken over my sons. The youngest who is 28 Has lived with me and  my husband for over 6 years. In and out of college and jobs. a few months ago my husband and I went out of town to vist a sick relative he took my car. he got drunk and hit another car. This was not the first time he did somehing like this. So I made hime leave with just his personal things. No computer, no dvd, and no playstation. Now I'm the bad one because of this.

The oldest son was addicted to pain medication years ago. He has a kidney stone and got hooked again. I made him leave because he was doing it in my house. Shooting up.

The bad one again because I kicked him out with no job, no car, and he was sick.

There is more to this story, goes back to when I was married to their dad for 36 years.

I still love them and care about them but I have had ENOUGH.

Oh by the way I married a man who is retired from  the state as a director of a half way house for substance abusers.

I lost one son 4 years ago because of prep. drugs. Is there no end to this nightmare?