Topic : Adult Children Living at Home

 

I just gave my 22-year-old a 1-week deadline to move out.  I let her move back in over a month ago with the agreement she would follow certain rules and behaviors.  I don't think she had a job, although she pretended to leave for one.  Never saw her buy anything.  I gave her 2 weeks to find a job.   Her boyfriend and her got a bright idea that she could work from home stuffing envelopes.   He was thoughful enough to pay the fee for the package.  You and me both know this is nothing but a scam, but she wasn't listening to anythng I had to say about it.   Didn't even bother to consult me or my husband of 1 year about working from our home and using our garage to store the mounds of supplies had the offer been legit.  Then since she was on her way to eventually making money (ha!), it was okay to sleep in, watch tv, take off with the boyfriend and wait for her ship to come in. . . I gave her a week to find someplace else to live. 

 

She decided to go job hunting today.  I reminded her again she had 1 week to find someplace else to live.  Now I'm the most terrible mother.  I've heard it all before that no fowl name that comes out of her mouth affects me.

 

Yet, I do feel bad.  I feel bad for my husband of 1 year also.  He's been through so much with me and my girls.  My 16 year-old is trying to pick up some of my 22 year-old's bad habits.  They will be the death of me or my marriage or both. . .

Have 22 year-old daughter.  Have thrown her out several months ago, and I allowed her to move back in a month ago after she agreed to written agreement of acceptable behaviors and rules.  It wasn't long before she took our agreement for granted. 

 

Especially the temper tantrums, cursing and screaming at me.  Gave her 1 week to find another place to live.  Blames me for everything she is going through.  Not buying it and told her my parents were not the best at all, and I am pulling my own load and haven't been in jail or sold my "ass" to get what I have.

 

Feel bad though.  Married 1 year and husband has stood by me so far.  Don't know how much longer he'll be around if I don't finally stand by my word. . . Sixteen year-old daughter is impressionable and loves her older sister. 

 

22-year-old is not all bad, but I don't want to enable her to make nothing of herself.  If she chooses to go down the wrong road when she moves out, that's just as well. It's just as hard to go down the right road.  Her choice, I guess, but I still feel bad all the way around.  I see other people's daughters that are successful young respectable adults at her age and I feel like such a failure.  Including my Husbands kids.  They are so respectful and loving.  They would never speak to him the way she speaks to me. . . Sad, sad, sad.   Wish me luck.  The 1-week clock is ticking.

ok ok... so i am the daughter that lives at home.. BUT!! before you judge me as a loser.. let me go into some details. I live with my parents along with my husband and two children. it can be hard at times to get along with everyone. We live there because financially we need to. and my parents need us too. but we are all much more financially stable than before. anyway, we moved to AZ 3 years ago because its what my dad wanted to do and he convinced us it would be good for us... so they sold their house and moved in with us, then we sold ours and all moved to AZ. and here we all sit.. we did put half down on the house, paid half the mortgage and bills and loaned money to my parents when they needed it. and they in turn let us bypass the house payment for sometime. NOW!!! we pay half again and i feel much better about it.. my husband now works with my dad. Both my dad and husband are out of town a lot. that can be a stressor sometimes when mechanical things come up or i just need a break. I cant really ask my mom to watch my 2 children anymore that she already does. she has the 20 mos old all week and I take the 4yr old to daycare/preschool on the way to work.  ( the 4yr old goes 5 days a week now to help lower my mom's stress) anyway the problem we are having is that whatever my parents say is what goes.. we usually abide and do whatever they ask. like my husband quitting his job to go work with my dad, even though he doesnt like it. and before that my mom forbid him to put in for a transfer to another dept because she didnt like the schedule and it meant more babysitting for her, which we understood.  As for the job he has now with my dad, I must say, it has helped pay down our debts and we are very happy that my dad could offer such an opporntunity. continuing with the problem:  my mom as I said now looks after my 2nd child and has informed us that she would prefer not to watch the children at all anymore. so as i look for daycare she changes her mind a million times. and has said that i need to quit my job and stay home. but that would mean we would lose ins or would have to pay 800.00 mo for cobra. she credits herself with raising my 4 yr old. and when its time for her and my dad to get away on vacations,  she and my dad have given us last minute notice that they will be going out of town and i will just have to call in sick to work and stay home. or when they get to the destination they call back and say they will be there an extra day. this has happened twice. the second time i have been able to get temp daycare but it was stressful on the baby. ( the babysitter told me this is a bad time to start daycare due to her age. ) other times my husband has been home or able to take off from his previous job and cover for me.  BUT there are other problems, like when i get home my mom will continue to discipline the children. i find myself getting after the kids for things i would usually not bother with, but feel i need to cuz my mom is watching. I like to pick the battles. my mom takes all the battles. she has called me inconsistant and made other accusations about my parenting skills. she also goes with us everywhere.. but when my dad comes home, she makes it clear that they are going out by themselves and that we are not invited. (which doesnt really bother me because it gives us time alone) Then when my husband and I want to go out, i cant really ask them to watch the kids.  since she already does a lot for us. we dont have any friends out here that we can ask to trade a night or two. anyway,  are there any tips to living together like this? is there a better way? we dont usually  have too much of a problem, as long as I ask my mom to do anything or make any suggestions on how the family should handle matters. i am after all a pain in her butt and an idiot. dont be mistaken i probably am a pain in her butt somtimes. but i dont dare tell her about my pains for fear of her wrath. it takes a lot to get me to spout off to her. it takes just a second for her.  i just want her to stay out of the parenting part when i am home and give us some room.. which is hard i know. I want to live my own life the way i want to,  not how i am guilted into things and told what to do constantly and made feel incompetant. I dont even cook hardly anymore. she likes to do that part. mostly becuase she feels i cant cook and thinks i make a mess,  but then she also likes to say at the last minute that she doesnt feel like cooking and we are left scrambling to find something to fix.  

let me add one more log to the fire. we are also in the first stage of building a house. all of us! we will live in the lower floor with our own facilities and my parents the upper. they plan to travel more and want us to pay the taxes and such. which is fine. I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM PAYING MY HALF! my dad has mentioned i will be his retirement. scary.  what should we do to make this work better or is this something no family should be doing??

My daughter is 21 and "married" to a felon who is 22.  They are currently separated and each doing "their own thing".  They have a precious little girl who is 2 years old, my 1st grandbaby!  My daughter has been rebellious since she dropped out of high school her senior year, a week prior to graduation.  (She was failing)  She immediately got into trouble for drugs and spent a few nights in jail, which we bailed her out of.  After many chances to get her act together and obey house rules, we asked her to move out.  Well, she and another rebellious teen both moved in with a 3rd friend's mom.  This was the "cool mom" who ran the "home for rebellious teens"!  *rolls eyes*  Long story made short, she allowed her son to sleep with my daughter right under her roof and thus producing my grandbaby girl.

 

Because my daughter was pregnant, and the "father" was sent back to jail, I allowed her to move back home during her pregnancy.  The "father" was released just before the baby was born, but my daughter and grandbaby continued to live with us until she was 6 months old.  Thinking that things would work better for them as a "family", I encouraged them to get married.  *sigh*  As of now, grandbaby just turned 2 years old, and my daughter and she have moved in and out and in and out of my home again and again.  She would leave her husband, hate him, go back, leave, etc.... etc....   This last time I refused to let her move back in, but allowed my grandbaby to stay here.  Recently the "husband" refused to allow "his baby" to stay with me any more and threatened to kill my daughter (no proof though) if she let the baby stay here.  So ... my daughter and grandbaby have been living in another city with my sister.  As usual, my daughter finds every excuse in the world to not work, to lose a job after a week or two, or finds something wrong with every available job that WE locate FOR HER!  She contributes nothing around the home, eats all the food, and puts her own needs before her baby's!  My sister and I both are sick and tired of allowing her to live with each of us and continually MOOCH and MANIPULATE us!   As of TODAY, we finally got the bright idea to tell her she needed to let the MIL keep the baby while she finds a job!  Up until now, she and Baby's Daddy have done nothing!  Of course whenever my daughter talks about divorce, he threatens to "take the baby"! 

 

OK, so as of tonight, dear ole MIL and Daddy get to actually see what I have been doing for the past 2 years!  Wonder how long it will take Daddy to re-think his decision about not letting me keep her!!!???  So .... I am feeling "in the lead" for tonight, but the REAL problem is far from being settled.  What to do about my irresponsible, Lazy and controlling manipulative "Adult" daughter?  If it weren't for my grandbaby, I could easily cut the strings for once, but she KNOWS that she "has me" because of my grandbaby!  I want so badly to get my life back, or HECK ... GET my life for once since she has been "grown".  I still have a 17 year old that is what you would call the "perfect child".  She is a senior in High School, and has a 4.0 GPA.   This weekend she has been invited for a special Honors tour the University of Tennessee in Knoxille ... GO VOLS!!!  Unfortunately, her life has been affected by the constant drama surrounding her sister!!!  I want SO BADLY to be able to take the focus off of them, and place it on my youngest girl!  HOW can I do this when my grandbaby is being tossed around like a piece of trash????

 

 

 

 

 

 

My daughter, divorced after one year of marriage, has been enmeshed in new, exclusive relationship with a great guy.  They are extremely happy, however, I don't understand her need to go out with a group of single friends to bars when her boyfriend is working at night.  That is something I never did, and am happily married for 32 years.  My daughter tells me I'm old fashioned, but I think she's looking for trouble.  Whenever the topic comes up, usually when she's talking about her weekend plans, she doesn't like my response when I tell her I think she's looking for trouble and maybe her new boyfriend really doesn't feel comfortable with this.  I'm just hoping she's considering his feelings as much as she's considering her need to be out when he's working.  I have always had a wonderful relationship with my daughter and will continue that relationship despite my worry over this.  I just need some ideas on whether or not I'm overreacting or worried needlessly.  My daughter is 28 years old and has been through a very difficult year, since the breakup of her marriage.  However, now that she's with her new young man, she's happier than I've ever seen her.  I guess that makes me truly wonder what is so important about hanging out in the bars with her friends.  Please help!!!!

looking for your attention, the only way she knows how.  i can relate to your story. i have a neice in a situation quite similar. except that she's 28 now and the cylcle of enabling has gotten bigger.  mothers, we think we hide our emotions so well from our daughters.  but daughters, they have the keeness of feelings just like we do.  you seem to see gold in one daughter, the perfect a daughter, the one who gives you 'accomplishment' for your motherhood.  and the one who has failed consistently will give you what she knows to get her share of attention.  failure.  you need to step back. you need to stop making it easy for her to fail and continue on her merry go round ride.  you need to stop helping her fail.  if you can't say a positive word to her, to help her be the best that she can be, don't say anything.  how can she compete with her perfect sister, the one that makes your heart strings sing?  how can you feel 'sorrow' for the perfect child because of her sisters drama????  if you don't want your grand to be  treated as trash, then don't treat the mother like trash.  you are part of her cycle, some where there was a glitch in your daughters life.  mothers, we don't do it intentionally, we really try to do the best we can.  but some times our own fears create what we fear.  in your fear of her lifestyle, you are creating the lifestyle.  if you don't support this girl, what future will the next woman generation, your grandbaby going to have??? please stop and rethink.  put the anger on the back burner. where there is anger and fear, there can be no love.  anger, it is an overpowering emotion.  like a fire extinguisher, it can put out the fire of your love.  and without your love, your daughter will continue to fail.  can it be its the only way she knows to get your love, your attention and be in the limelight like your perfect child???   she needs you to be her ally, not her enemy.  not a rug, not the bank, not the critic, not the revolving door.  if you love her, go seek professional help as a unit. find out what makes the cycle of failure and mooching part of the relationship between you.  you would be surprised what is really inside her head.  it may be that you won't want to hear it, but if you want your grandbaby to have a better way to life, you need to step up.  a babys personality, her foundation,  is formed in the first 5 years of its life.  you and your daughter have 'lost' 2 years of time. don't continue the dance of anger.  time is ticking away. 

My daughter gets all of my attention!  We are extremely close!!!  Please do not try to tell me about my personal relationship with my daughter ... you could not possibly begin to know from my post how close we are!  If anything my "perfect" daughter is neglected because she doesn't demand all of the attention.  Whenever my youngest daughter and I get together, the conversation always turns to my 21 year old, it just happens because her life and problems are a constant worry and concern to me!  I have taken my 21 year old to a doctor and had her started on medication for Bi-Polar II Disorder (as I also have) and depression ... so again, you don't know the whole story!  I have done everything I possibly can do for her and to help her ... I have sat down and taught her how to budget her money,  pay her bills, etc .... she refuses to try!  My heart is broken over my daughter ... I feel helpless to do anything to change her.  Her own father kicked her out of his home the week she turned 18!!!  She literally came home from school and found all of her belongings in the carport!  She then moved in with me full-time and I've been trying to "pick up the pieces" ever since ..... on my own!!!!!  So please don't begin to judge my relationship with my daughter ... PLEASE!

 

I came here for support, for any advice of what I might further be able to do for her, OR what I can finally do for MYSELF ... to accept / deal / whatever with this situation.   I have looked in to many avenues of what I can do for my dear grandbaby as well ... and the last resort is to call the Dept. of Childrens' Services on her parents.  Because I DO love my daughter and desire to help her ... I have NOT used this last option!

i did not 'say' you didn't love your daughter, on the contrary, it seems you love her quite a bit.  i am not judging your relationship with her.  sorry if you my words caused more stress in your dilemma.  my advice to you was sometimes mothers love too much.  and that's where our hopelessness begins.

As a mother myself, I can understand the temptation to "do right" by your children.  However, what is the message you people (enablers) are sending to the other children you may have?  The ones who actually go out and thrive in the world.

My brother and myself are at our wits' end with our other 2 sisters.  Coming from a family with seemingly endless financial rescources, we both chose to take the road less traveled, we both went out and made lives for ourselves with minimal support from our parents.  Not to say that they didn't want to help, but we declined the offers out of the principle of self-sufficiency.

Our other 2 sisters, aged 32 and 20, both seemingly suffer from a crippling sense of entitlement and privledge which disallows them from being able to function in everyday society.

My mom is a wonderful woman who will gladly give you the shirt off her back, and these 2 leeches have jumped onto the gravy train with first class tickets clutched in their fat sweaty palms.  She, my mom, pays their rent, utilities, probation fees, traffic tickets, vet bills, groceries, salon trips, hair extensions, car payments, gas, you name it, mom pays it, and they treat her like something they scraped off the bottom of their shoe.  It's revolting. 

Here is my problem.  Basically, the time and energy (no, it's not all about the money) my mom spends on these two grown women, detracts from her health, happiness, freedom and ability to bond with her grandchildren.  Recently, upon a visit to my house after I had a miscarriage, my sisters called her incessantly and expressed their anger at her taking the time to come and help me with my 2-year-old, and to nurse me through post-partum.  She began having heart palpitation and I had to take her to the ER.  She's fine now, but her blood pressure and anxiety are through the roof.

Basically, as an individual from a different side of the same fence, I'm saying that the message her actions are conveying to me is that the squeaky wheel gets the grease, and my accomplishments are minimized and I'd be better off jumping on the gravy train too, before the ride ends.  To heck with pride and independence, right mommies?

MAYBE SOMEONE OUT THERE CAN RELATE TO THIS, IF SO- I WOULD LOVE SOME FEEDBACK! I HAVE 2 STEP CHILDREN IN MY HOUSE. THE BOY IS NEVER A PROBLEM. IT IS THE 21 YEAR OLD GIRL. I AM AT MY WITS END. SHE HAS LIVED WITH US FOR ALMOST 3 YEARS NOW. AT FIRST WE GOT ALONG JUST FINE, THEN I BEGAN TO NOTICE THAT SHE WAS HELPING HERSELF TO ALL OF MY PERSONAL BELONGINGS WITHOUT ASKING PERMISSION. HER FATHER AND I AGREED THAT IF THERE WERE ANY PROBLEMS THAT I WOULD COME TO HIM AND LET HIM HANDLE IT WITH HIS CHILDREN, AND HE WOULD DO THE SAME CONCERNING MY CHILDREN. I WENT TO HIM, AND WHEN HE WOULD CONFRONT HER, SHE WOULD REPLY WITH, "DAD, I SWEAR I DIDN'T TAKE ANYTHING OF HERS." EVEN WHEN I CAUGHT HER WALKING OUT OF THE HOUSE WITH A BOTTLE OF MY LOTION, SHE DENIED THAT SHE HAD TAKEN IT. THIS WENT ON FOR THE FIRST YEAR. I GUESS SHE FINALLY GOT TIRED OF HER FATHER CHEWING HER OUT. THIS GIRL IS SO IRRESPONSIBLE, SHE DOESN'T WORK NOW- SHE DOESN'T GO TO SCHOOL, SHE LOST HER DRIVERS LICENSE, SHE TOTALED HER CAR. SHE IS ONLY CONCERNED ABOUT PARTYING. I HAVE FOUND POT THAT SHE BROUGHT INTO THE HOUSE, SHE CONSTANTLY LIES TO HER FATHER! WHEN SHE WAS GOING TO SCHOOL, SHE WASN'T SHOWING UP FOR CLASS, SO WHEN THE FORM CAME THAT SHE WAS ACADEMIC PROBATION- TO HER FATHER, THE EXCUSE IS "DADDY, THEY MUST OF MESSED UP, BECAUSE I WENT TO CLASS." AND HE BUYS IT HALF WAY. LATELY I'VE NOTICED SOME SPITEFUL THINGS. I WAS OUTSIDE THE OTHER WEEK, SHE CLOSES THE GARAGE DOOR, LOCKS THE HOUSE DOOR, I COME IN THROUGH THE OTHER SIDE DOOR WHERE MY BEDROOM IS, THAT SHE DIDN'T LOCK , AND SHE SAYS TO ME, WHEN YOU WERE OUTSIDE TRYING TO START THE LAWN MOWER IT STARTLED ME. RIGHT THEN I KNEW SHE LOCKED THE DOORS ON PURPOSE. I GOT SO MAD, BECAUSE I ACTUALLY WAS COMING BACK IN BECAUSE I DIDN'T FEEL WELL, I HAD JUST WENT OFF OF MY HEART MEDICATION FOR A HEART CATHETERIzATION 2 DAYS LATER.   I HAD A SHIRT THAT ENDED UP MISSING OUT OF THE DRYER, I ASKED HER FATHER TO SEE IF SHE HAD IT, AND IT WAS IN HER ROOM. BUT HER REPONSE WAS " DAD! I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THIS GOT IN HERE!" AND IT WAS LEFT AT THAT. SHE DOES NOT DO ANY CHORES AROUND THE HOUSE. HER ROOM IS A MESS, SHE TAKES DISHES THAT I HAVE PURCHASED AND LEAVES THEM WHEREVER, I HAVE CAUGHT HER TAKING MONEY OUT OF HER LITTLE BROTHERS ROOM, SHE HAS BOUGHT ALCOHOL FOR HER BROTHER TO DRINK( HE'S ONLY 17). BY ALL MEANS, MY CHILDREN ARE NOT PERFECT, AND THEY ARE MOST CERTAINLY PUNISHED TO THE FULLEST EXTENT WHEN THEY DO WRONG. I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I AM AT MY WITS END!!! HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH TYPE OF SITUATION? HER FATHER DOESN'T SEE IT.