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Topic : Adult Children Living at Home

Number of Replies: 365
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, September 15, 2006, 04:13:09 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Do you or someone you know still have an adult child living at home either out of necessity, or just plain laziness?  Share your stories here.

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October 31, 2006, 2:17 am CST

When adult children blame you for their unhappiness

I know this is  a hot topic and have seen many of Dr. Phil's show relating to this very same subject.  My 23 yro son who does not live with me blames just about everything that has gone wrong in his life on my ex and me and my current husband of 6 years.  Can someone please tell me if the hurt ever goes away?  I have been going to counseling  for this and hear great advice but deep down this is still my son and it is very difficult to put him on ignore...he goes from nice son to ugly, hateful mean son which keeps me on a proverbial roller coaster.  My son has lied and said the most incredible things about my ex and I that would probably put us in jail or get us arrested if they were in fact true.  This is has been going on for approximately 5 years with the onset of him going away to college...and now the money has stopped.  We believe he will never be a productive adult if he does not hold down a job and be accountable.  I have learned to deal with this by distancing myself. Having a conversation with my son at this point is almost impossible..he is very angry and very bitter and mirroring his dad's caustic personality by trying to verbally attack me and his dad.    He is trying to punish us and make us feel guilty thereby giving him money to passify and patch things up which has stopped.  We have been enablers but have finally after many years wised up.  I would like to hear from others who are going through the same thing with their college aged children.    I have tried to explain to my son that I did the best I could and lord knows his dad and I have gone through thousands to try and help him but he is ungrateful, hateful, unappreciative and now he blames his depression on us and the accusations are going from bad to worse.    Has anyone had to cut the communication/ties to preserve their sanity and well being with an adult child.  My daughter is 17 and I have a great job and husband of 6 years so I have a great deal to be healthy  & happy for...but there are times and days this almost overwhelms me and devastates me.  Comments would be appreciated!  Cindy
 
October 31, 2006, 6:38 am CST

It's his problem, not yours

Quote From: houtxmom

I know this is  a hot topic and have seen many of Dr. Phil's show relating to this very same subject.  My 23 yro son who does not live with me blames just about everything that has gone wrong in his life on my ex and me and my current husband of 6 years.  Can someone please tell me if the hurt ever goes away?  I have been going to counseling  for this and hear great advice but deep down this is still my son and it is very difficult to put him on ignore...he goes from nice son to ugly, hateful mean son which keeps me on a proverbial roller coaster.  My son has lied and said the most incredible things about my ex and I that would probably put us in jail or get us arrested if they were in fact true.  This is has been going on for approximately 5 years with the onset of him going away to college...and now the money has stopped.  We believe he will never be a productive adult if he does not hold down a job and be accountable.  I have learned to deal with this by distancing myself. Having a conversation with my son at this point is almost impossible..he is very angry and very bitter and mirroring his dad's caustic personality by trying to verbally attack me and his dad.    He is trying to punish us and make us feel guilty thereby giving him money to passify and patch things up which has stopped.  We have been enablers but have finally after many years wised up.  I would like to hear from others who are going through the same thing with their college aged children.    I have tried to explain to my son that I did the best I could and lord knows his dad and I have gone through thousands to try and help him but he is ungrateful, hateful, unappreciative and now he blames his depression on us and the accusations are going from bad to worse.    Has anyone had to cut the communication/ties to preserve their sanity and well being with an adult child.  My daughter is 17 and I have a great job and husband of 6 years so I have a great deal to be healthy  & happy for...but there are times and days this almost overwhelms me and devastates me.  Comments would be appreciated!  Cindy

Stay strong.  Make it clear to your son that while you are his mother and love him and will listen to his problem, once he figures out what it is, you will not be treated like a punching bag or second class citizen.  You're not doing him, yourself, or especially your teenaged daughter any favors by allowing him to treat you so disrespectfully.

 

Allow him the oppertunity to approach you, and as soon as he becomes verbally abusive, that's it, convo is over... pick up your stuff and leave.  Don't buy into the drama, as an adult, he needs to learn how to approach his problems rationally, without throwing a fit... and if given the chance to think about it without you engaging in his guilt trap, he may learn something.

 

The late teens/early 20's is (or is supposed to be) a transition from childhood into self-sufficiency, and it's hard to learn that you have to make your own way in the world, and honestly, nobody gives you anything in the world, so why should you teach your son that if he throws a big enough tantrum he'll get money.... ummmmmm, hello?

 

Put an end to communication if he can't understand... for your daughter's sake, otherwise, she will see that all you are worried about is him and most likely, you will get a repeat prefomance when she leaves home.

 
November 1, 2006, 11:05 am CST

Laying down the rules to live with me.

My daughter and her husband are currently  separated and she is living here with me. 

They are working on their marriage but I doubt that it works out.

She is starting to spend a little time over at there home where he is living.

This is what I want to tell her but I'd like a little feedback:

1. If you decide to go there to spend the night, be sure to take everything you have here and move back in with your husband.  (I don't want to enable her to prostitute herself and be used as his whore.)

2. If she contiunes to "visit" over there and ends up pregnant she will not have a place in my home to live.  (I can't believe she is stupid enough to be having sex with her husband when they are 1 step away from divorce court.)
 
November 1, 2006, 1:17 pm CST

hmmmmm

Quote From: debhgn

My daughter and her husband are currently  separated and she is living here with me. 

They are working on their marriage but I doubt that it works out.

She is starting to spend a little time over at there home where he is living.

This is what I want to tell her but I'd like a little feedback:

1. If you decide to go there to spend the night, be sure to take everything you have here and move back in with your husband.  (I don't want to enable her to prostitute herself and be used as his whore.)

2. If she contiunes to "visit" over there and ends up pregnant she will not have a place in my home to live.  (I can't believe she is stupid enough to be having sex with her husband when they are 1 step away from divorce court.)

it's a little hard to offer clear feedback without knowing the specifics surrounding the separation...  however.

 

while you are fully within your rights to set boundries concerning what takes place in your home, consider that you daughter is a grown woman (i hope) and has the right to set the boundries regarding her marriage... this may be merely and instance of a couple getting tired of seeing each other everyday and they are getting under each others skin and need some space.  However, again without specifics, it's hard to tell...

 

You could lay down the "rules" if you choose to but it may hurt your daughters feelings to know that your support comes with tough emotional stipulations she may not be ready to live up to. 

 

My suggestion is that you calmly make your concerns clear and trust her judgement.  If you can't do that, her moving back in may not be a great plan.

 

Best of luck to you

 
November 1, 2006, 1:57 pm CST

Adult Children Living at Home

Quote From: whipit97

it's a little hard to offer clear feedback without knowing the specifics surrounding the separation...  however.

 

while you are fully within your rights to set boundries concerning what takes place in your home, consider that you daughter is a grown woman (i hope) and has the right to set the boundries regarding her marriage... this may be merely and instance of a couple getting tired of seeing each other everyday and they are getting under each others skin and need some space.  However, again without specifics, it's hard to tell...

 

You could lay down the "rules" if you choose to but it may hurt your daughters feelings to know that your support comes with tough emotional stipulations she may not be ready to live up to. 

 

My suggestion is that you calmly make your concerns clear and trust her judgement.  If you can't do that, her moving back in may not be a great plan.

 

Best of luck to you

Grown woman maybe be the key phrase here.  At time I would say absolutely  at other she has seems to be a teenager.  This of course may be my own fault for protecting her from falling and general pains of growing up. 

I've stepped back and let her fall many times hoping she learns and she has.  However she is more fragil than she should be for her age and suffers from depression, borderlining on bipolar disorder with a little OCD thrown in the mix...lol. 

Thank you very much for  your input.  You did help me make a decision.  I am going to voice my concerns and pray she makes smart decisions that put my concerns to rest. 

I really don't want any child of mine to ever think they can not have a roof over their heads in case they need it. 

Thank you Thank you Thank you
 
November 1, 2006, 10:23 pm CST

need guidance/advice

Hi my name is Chris and I am a 23 year old male.  I have family issues pertaining to my mother and my grandmother.  This is going to be hard for me to explain and put all into words but i'm going to try so here goes.  On the inside I almost hate my mother and grandmother.  They irritate and piss me off.  My mom has no real job because of her bankruptcy and credit.  My mother holds me back from moving out by manipulating me mentally (atleast in my opinion).  I am hoping to get this bank teller job nearby and I mentioned that once I do and save up some money I am going to move out.  she says something like this "oh thats nice of you to leave and not help here".  Thats not verbatim but I can't remember it exactly.  Anyway isn't that a bit selfish and hurtfull?  To persuade me to stay out of guilt?  I'm about to explode, i'd love to just punch her in the face (not that I would I just feel that way). 

 

I tried to leave twice, once when I joined the navy only to be discharged and returned home.  And another a few months ago when I left to live with my dad.  Both times she cried her eyes out because they felt I betrayed them.  I just want to live on my own.  I understand that living in atlanta is expensive but still I do not want to live here.  It's toxic and mentally unhealthy as well as generally unhealthy. 

 

I just don't know what to do, I feel manipulated so much and i've been so full of anger i've wanted to blow my head off just to spite them.   Here is an example of how I feel I have been manipulated.  My grandmother used to have a little lovebird here until it died.  Now I am no fan of pets.  This bird had pretty much free reign in the house.  It would go anywhere it pleased.  I know alot of people have pets but I think its disgusting when it poo's in the house.  Birds are different then cats or dogs when they poo since they can fly (arial poo).  

 

Now my grandmother didn't force it to live in a cage, instead it would live in the kitchen cabinet right above the sink.   The kitchen is the worst place to let a pet live and I had pretty much no say so.  There was numerous times my grandmother would make us food and I swear I have seen bird poo on some of my food.  When I confronted her about it do you know what she said?  "Oh thats just seasoning".  SEASONING?!?!?  how freaking ignorant.  Wouldn't any of you feel a bit lied to and atleast a tad bit upset?  Am I wrong for the way I feel?

 

 

So if you could please answer me this question.  Shouldn't I being a 23 year old male be living on my own taking care of myself?  I really hope to get this job and once I do i'm going to work first toward getting my own car and moving out.  I am not in college at the moment but I am going to go whether it be a tech school or what I am going to go.  If any of you have real solid advice and guidance as to what I should do please reply.  I am lost but I really want to get out of here.

 
November 2, 2006, 6:07 am CST

Adult Children Living at Home

Quote From: jaimie1974

Since she is living with you, it is reasonable that you want her to be respectful of your rules.

It must be difficult to watch your daughter leave and spend time with her husband, a man that you know is unstable; but if you give your daughter ultimatums like telling her to take all of her stuff, etc., that will only backfire on you. What if he is suave enough to get her to believe he really has changed, and so she wants to spend time with him, but then you tell her to take all of her stuff and go, and then later when he becomes violent or something she will feel like she has nowhere to go- you dont want your daughter to feel out in the cold like that. She needs a soft place to fall, even if she isnt using reasonable decision making processes, she deserves your support.

I know that, as her mother, you want what is best for your daughter- and it is difficult to watch her make wrong choices; however, be hopeful that the next wrong choice will be the last one.

Just curious, do you call her a whore and/or prostitute to her face? That could explain her lack of self esteem and where it comes from.

Do I call her a prostiture or whore to her face you ask..  Well no.  Those are the words she used when she did exactly what I mentioned a couple of weeks ago.  Her lack of self esteem was in tact prior to her marriage to this person.   It's not like they have been married a short time, they've been married and living away from home across country for several years...  since she was 19. (she will be 26 in days) She was very bright and extremely successful person for the first few years of the marriage. 

Over the past 2 years as he has  become more successful and away from home most of the time she has mentally declined.  He's only home about 40 days a year. 





 
November 2, 2006, 6:18 am CST

Either me or someone else

Quote From: jaimie1974

Did you tell her husband that she had a one night stand so that she would move back home with you?
I told her husband because she had told 3 of his close friends and two of hers who have huges mouths.  Someone was going to tell him.  One person told me they were going to call him that very day and tell him exactly what had happened.  Since I gave her the opportunity to tell him and she balked, my only choice was to do it in as safe and loving manner as it could possibly be done.  I knew very well that she needed to be safe and he needed to be in a safe environment when he was told what had happened.

I know most have commented on the fact that I told her husband.  That is somewhat unusual, however as I stated in my orginal post there were reasons I could not get into as to why I felt I had to do it, and you must accept that they were very valid reasons.  I'm really not here to defend myself, I don't feel I did anything wrong on this one.  This is a situation where you just had to know all of the facts before you can understand the reasons behind my actions.  And all those reasons can not be posted on this message board.

Just please try to accept the fact that I had to bring him into my home, sit him down, surround him with support and tell him what had happened and try to explain to him how this could have happened.

The person I was telling him who had done this to him, was NOT in anyway the wife and daughter we all know.  Not even close.  If she had not told me herself I would have never believed it nor would anyone else she told.

 
November 2, 2006, 7:51 am CST

that's pretty rank dude

Quote From: thrach

Hi my name is Chris and I am a 23 year old male.  I have family issues pertaining to my mother and my grandmother.  This is going to be hard for me to explain and put all into words but i'm going to try so here goes.  On the inside I almost hate my mother and grandmother.  They irritate and piss me off.  My mom has no real job because of her bankruptcy and credit.  My mother holds me back from moving out by manipulating me mentally (atleast in my opinion).  I am hoping to get this bank teller job nearby and I mentioned that once I do and save up some money I am going to move out.  she says something like this "oh thats nice of you to leave and not help here".  Thats not verbatim but I can't remember it exactly.  Anyway isn't that a bit selfish and hurtfull?  To persuade me to stay out of guilt?  I'm about to explode, i'd love to just punch her in the face (not that I would I just feel that way). 

 

I tried to leave twice, once when I joined the navy only to be discharged and returned home.  And another a few months ago when I left to live with my dad.  Both times she cried her eyes out because they felt I betrayed them.  I just want to live on my own.  I understand that living in atlanta is expensive but still I do not want to live here.  It's toxic and mentally unhealthy as well as generally unhealthy. 

 

I just don't know what to do, I feel manipulated so much and i've been so full of anger i've wanted to blow my head off just to spite them.   Here is an example of how I feel I have been manipulated.  My grandmother used to have a little lovebird here until it died.  Now I am no fan of pets.  This bird had pretty much free reign in the house.  It would go anywhere it pleased.  I know alot of people have pets but I think its disgusting when it poo's in the house.  Birds are different then cats or dogs when they poo since they can fly (arial poo).  

 

Now my grandmother didn't force it to live in a cage, instead it would live in the kitchen cabinet right above the sink.   The kitchen is the worst place to let a pet live and I had pretty much no say so.  There was numerous times my grandmother would make us food and I swear I have seen bird poo on some of my food.  When I confronted her about it do you know what she said?  "Oh thats just seasoning".  SEASONING?!?!?  how freaking ignorant.  Wouldn't any of you feel a bit lied to and atleast a tad bit upset?  Am I wrong for the way I feel?

 

 

So if you could please answer me this question.  Shouldn't I being a 23 year old male be living on my own taking care of myself?  I really hope to get this job and once I do i'm going to work first toward getting my own car and moving out.  I am not in college at the moment but I am going to go whether it be a tech school or what I am going to go.  If any of you have real solid advice and guidance as to what I should do please reply.  I am lost but I really want to get out of here.

ewwwwww.... seasoning?

 

your family sounds absolutely charming.  do whatever you can to get out of there.  tell your mom that if she wants to be taken care of to get off the couch, lose a few pounds and find a man to do it, because it's time for you to move on with your life.  i think dr phil says that the only relationship that should grow toward separation is the parent/child relationship.

 

consider why your father may have left, was your mom making him work as well as take caqre of the house... sounds like it.  she needs to pull her own weight.

 

at 23 i think you are still young enough to get into job corps, if you have no other options....

 

good luck, pack up your cojones and vamoose

 
November 2, 2006, 8:14 am CST

40 days a year?

Quote From: debhgn

Do I call her a prostiture or whore to her face you ask..  Well no.  Those are the words she used when she did exactly what I mentioned a couple of weeks ago.  Her lack of self esteem was in tact prior to her marriage to this person.   It's not like they have been married a short time, they've been married and living away from home across country for several years...  since she was 19. (she will be 26 in days) She was very bright and extremely successful person for the first few years of the marriage. 

Over the past 2 years as he has  become more successful and away from home most of the time she has mentally declined.  He's only home about 40 days a year. 





if he's only home 40 days a year, why did she need to leave her house in the first place?  what difference does it make if he's never there anyway?

 

incidentally, what is she doing with her time while she is living with you?  does she have a job or something, please tell me you are not completely supporting her...

 

when i got married my parents made it clear to me that making a marriage work is a full time job in itself, see i've always been one to do things on a whim, poor impulse control... lol.  and if your daughter is cheating, it doesn't seem to me like she's putting forth the necessarry effort to make it work... and that, to me, is lazy.

 

you probably had reasons that were valid in your mind to tell him about the affair, but realistically, it was not your place.  water under the bridge, however.

 

does she have a clear plan on how to move forward with her life after the marriage is over, or is this situation indefinate?  because if it is, you are enabling her to be LAZY and DEPENDENT on you for an indeterminate amount of time and that is not good for either one of you...

 
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