Quote From: kgpeakI have been trying for months to get my system to allow me on the Dr Phil boards!
When my husband an I were younger (early 20's) we had to move back with his parents after the home we were renting part of from another couple was being sold (they were divorcing). We spent months trying to find even a small apartment that would allow us to keep our pets that was within an hour of work and school. The rents had become outrageous!
Well, we moved in with the agreement (made by US) that we would pay half of what we would have spent in rent, bank the other half since we would not be paying utilities (and do our laundry out of the house) and also help with repairs to the house (drastically needed).
We spent about two years there, helped with as many prohects as we could get my inlaws to do (hoarders anf FIL cannot see that while he can get one small portion of the house done to perfection, the rest was falling down around them) and as soon as we had enough for a SMALL house, we moved out. This was back in the early 1990's. It was shocked by how many friends of ours were moving back, not paying rent, not contributing, etc. We are older Gen-Xers but had parents that taught us a work ethic and if we needed help, it would be there but never for free once we were adults. It was either go to college full time (and work part time) or work full time and pay rent and become tenants as opposed to leeches.
I am shocked at what I am seeing now! And even my own peers moving in with parents so they can live an extravagant lifestyle they could not afford if they were paying a rent or mortgage!
I am now an at-home mom and hopefully will instill in my children the values and self-reliance my parent and inlaws gave us!
I am not trying to finger point at those who are trying to help adult children out of dangerous situations, especially when there are grandchildren involved.
I am referring to adult children who refuse to grow up and get out and care for themselves. With some I know doing this it is because they know the parents will allow themselves to be manipulated by the dear baby and WHY should baby grow up? Sometimes it is a case of parents not wanting to alienate the kids. Other times it is the parent does not want the child to grow up. Other times it is the child was never taught to manage money, plan financially, etc.
My feeling is regardless of why child is moving back in there must be:
1 - BOUNDARIES. This is your house, not the child's. If you do not want parties, "sleepovers", etc., it is YOUR perrogative to state and enforce this.
2 - RENT AND UTILITIES. Living anywhere else would have someone pay rent or mortgage. And do not allow excuses for late payment. No landlord or bank would tolerate it.
3 - RULES. Food, hours, noise, etc. Again, this is your house and an adult child must be expected to handle rules as if he/she were in a boarding house, etc,
4 - TIME LIMITS. How long before they have to have a job (even flipping burgers, at one point my husband and I were working three and four jobs between the two of us) and start paying before they must find another place NO FREE RIDES.
5 - BANK ACCOUNT. They must have an account and be paying into it our better yet if you fear they will use the money for fun, you take out an account and deposit the rent or what you do not need to help pay for the extra body in the house and keep that account. When you give that time limit for them to get out, you can help them invest the money, use it for getting into their own place, etc.
But remember, no adult child can mooch off of you unless you allow it. Even those you are helping get out of a bad situation must also be taught to care for themselves and be selfsufficient in a healthier way.
And for any child doing illegal drugs in the house, IMMEDIATE eviction. Why? In some areas even if they are ving with you, if you knowingly allow it, YOU can lose your house.
