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Topic : Adult Children Living at Home

Number of Replies: 365
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Created on : Friday, September 15, 2006, 04:13:09 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Do you or someone you know still have an adult child living at home either out of necessity, or just plain laziness?  Share your stories here.

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November 2, 2006, 2:40 pm CST

Chris

Quote From: thrach

Hi my name is Chris and I am a 23 year old male.  I have family issues pertaining to my mother and my grandmother.  This is going to be hard for me to explain and put all into words but i'm going to try so here goes.  On the inside I almost hate my mother and grandmother.  They irritate and piss me off.  My mom has no real job because of her bankruptcy and credit.  My mother holds me back from moving out by manipulating me mentally (atleast in my opinion).  I am hoping to get this bank teller job nearby and I mentioned that once I do and save up some money I am going to move out.  she says something like this "oh thats nice of you to leave and not help here".  Thats not verbatim but I can't remember it exactly.  Anyway isn't that a bit selfish and hurtfull?  To persuade me to stay out of guilt?  I'm about to explode, i'd love to just punch her in the face (not that I would I just feel that way). 

 

I tried to leave twice, once when I joined the navy only to be discharged and returned home.  And another a few months ago when I left to live with my dad.  Both times she cried her eyes out because they felt I betrayed them.  I just want to live on my own.  I understand that living in atlanta is expensive but still I do not want to live here.  It's toxic and mentally unhealthy as well as generally unhealthy. 

 

I just don't know what to do, I feel manipulated so much and i've been so full of anger i've wanted to blow my head off just to spite them.   Here is an example of how I feel I have been manipulated.  My grandmother used to have a little lovebird here until it died.  Now I am no fan of pets.  This bird had pretty much free reign in the house.  It would go anywhere it pleased.  I know alot of people have pets but I think its disgusting when it poo's in the house.  Birds are different then cats or dogs when they poo since they can fly (arial poo).  

 

Now my grandmother didn't force it to live in a cage, instead it would live in the kitchen cabinet right above the sink.   The kitchen is the worst place to let a pet live and I had pretty much no say so.  There was numerous times my grandmother would make us food and I swear I have seen bird poo on some of my food.  When I confronted her about it do you know what she said?  "Oh thats just seasoning".  SEASONING?!?!?  how freaking ignorant.  Wouldn't any of you feel a bit lied to and atleast a tad bit upset?  Am I wrong for the way I feel?

 

 

So if you could please answer me this question.  Shouldn't I being a 23 year old male be living on my own taking care of myself?  I really hope to get this job and once I do i'm going to work first toward getting my own car and moving out.  I am not in college at the moment but I am going to go whether it be a tech school or what I am going to go.  If any of you have real solid advice and guidance as to what I should do please reply.  I am lost but I really want to get out of here.

Chris, I can't see any good reason for you to be living with your mother and grandmother.  I know someone like them and I see what this person did to a relative (child/grandchild) and it's not pretty.  Living in filth is just part of it.  The other part is lack of boundaries; this person has no privacy or rights.  Also, she has been groomed to be financially dependent and discouraged as far as schooling and jobs go.  The comments from your mom are the same ones she has been listening to for years.  She will never leave now.  I would hate to see you in the same situation.  Get out while you can. 

 

Be sure to go talk to the colleges.  The community colleges usually have free or low-cost classes and/or counseling to help you choose a major.  Also, apply for financial aid soon; the applications come out in a few weeks for the next school year.  If you take too long, the money will be gone.  There might be on-campus jobs, whether you qualify for financial aid or not--or off-campus jobs. 

 

Do you have any idea what kind of work you want to do?  Have you been able to work at all or does your mother keep you too busy?  Do you support them?  Can they support themselves?

 

If you have an e-mail listed and you want more ideas, let me know.  I would be happy to encourage you to get into a healthier situation. 

 

Oh, can you get to counseling at all?  It might help to get you through the guilt trips your mother is bound to put you through.

 

Good luck!!

 
November 2, 2006, 8:28 pm CST

Adult Children Living at Home

Quote From: whipit97

ewwwwww.... seasoning?

 

your family sounds absolutely charming.  do whatever you can to get out of there.  tell your mom that if she wants to be taken care of to get off the couch, lose a few pounds and find a man to do it, because it's time for you to move on with your life.  i think dr phil says that the only relationship that should grow toward separation is the parent/child relationship.

 

consider why your father may have left, was your mom making him work as well as take caqre of the house... sounds like it.  she needs to pull her own weight.

 

at 23 i think you are still young enough to get into job corps, if you have no other options....

 

good luck, pack up your cojones and vamoose

well actually my dad didn't leave at all, it as my mom.  I didn't get into detail about my dad really.  My dad was one of those rebellious biker gang guys and my mom started getting causious and left when she was pregnant with me at the age of I think 18 or so.  I went up to my dads to live a few months ago and he's more supportive for me moving out and stuff but his lifestyle is something I can't stand.  He's 50 or so years old and somehow is able to get girls younger then me, he's not attractive I think they were prostitutes lol.  I don't really feel comfortable living in his house while he is like that so I had to come back.  There is more to it then just that but thats part of it.

 

anyway I am and do intend to move out as fast as I can.  I hope to get this job that pays about $11 an hour plus benefits as a full time teller but will that be good enough to get an apartment with?  Or will I need to get a room mate which i'm willing to do.

 

I would go into more detail about my life but it would take me a long time since it is complicated.  I have tried counceling before when I had my own medical insurance but it always seems hard to explain everything .  I guess i'm just too stressed out from being here.

 

 

 
November 3, 2006, 7:43 am CST

roommate issue

Quote From: thrach

well actually my dad didn't leave at all, it as my mom.  I didn't get into detail about my dad really.  My dad was one of those rebellious biker gang guys and my mom started getting causious and left when she was pregnant with me at the age of I think 18 or so.  I went up to my dads to live a few months ago and he's more supportive for me moving out and stuff but his lifestyle is something I can't stand.  He's 50 or so years old and somehow is able to get girls younger then me, he's not attractive I think they were prostitutes lol.  I don't really feel comfortable living in his house while he is like that so I had to come back.  There is more to it then just that but thats part of it.

 

anyway I am and do intend to move out as fast as I can.  I hope to get this job that pays about $11 an hour plus benefits as a full time teller but will that be good enough to get an apartment with?  Or will I need to get a room mate which i'm willing to do.

 

I would go into more detail about my life but it would take me a long time since it is complicated.  I have tried counceling before when I had my own medical insurance but it always seems hard to explain everything .  I guess i'm just too stressed out from being here.

 

 

hey i did some digging through some real estate and in atlanta, i found at the Holiday Apartments, they have a move in special where your first month's rent is only $199.  after that it's around $479/month for a 1 bedroom and $572 for the 2 bedroom, the public transportation also stops on the property and it comes complete with all the appliances, which at 23, i'm pretty sure you don't have.

 

at $11/hr working full time, after taxes you should yeild about $1232/month.  Depending on your style of living and bills etc. you can decide about a roommate.  After rent, if you decide not to have a roommate, you'll have about $753/month.  You also have utilities (i forgot to check which amenities were included in the rent) etc. so it's really up to you.

 

I would recommend a roomie, if there is someone you trust in the area.

 

again, good luck to you

 
November 3, 2006, 9:21 am CST

Adult Children Living at Home

Quote From: whipit97

if he's only home 40 days a year, why did she need to leave her house in the first place?  what difference does it make if he's never there anyway?

 

incidentally, what is she doing with her time while she is living with you?  does she have a job or something, please tell me you are not completely supporting her...

 

when i got married my parents made it clear to me that making a marriage work is a full time job in itself, see i've always been one to do things on a whim, poor impulse control... lol.  and if your daughter is cheating, it doesn't seem to me like she's putting forth the necessarry effort to make it work... and that, to me, is lazy.

 

you probably had reasons that were valid in your mind to tell him about the affair, but realistically, it was not your place.  water under the bridge, however.

 

does she have a clear plan on how to move forward with her life after the marriage is over, or is this situation indefinate?  because if it is, you are enabling her to be LAZY and DEPENDENT on you for an indeterminate amount of time and that is not good for either one of you...

She is not living at their home because he kicked her out.  She won't move back in until  their marriage is in a better place...  ( or over). 

Yes, she works full time.  Makes decent money. 

I refuse to enable her in any way.  She carrys her own weight here. 

Actually him and her both have thanked me for bringing this to the table so to speak.  Their marriage had been in the ditch for a couple of years now.  (If you read all my posts you may understand better)  This one night stand was a symptom of some major issues.  Affairs usually are.  In reality one spouse should not step outside the marriage, however many many do.  When your marriage is rocky, it doesn't take much for someone to get your attention and before you know it there has been a big mistake made.

Right now her plans are to go to counseling, individually and together and lets see what happens.  They have each gone to a couple of sessions now and will be going as a couple next week.

We shall see how things go. 

I've taken a lot of heat on the boards for my descision.  I still stand by it firmly.  I know it was the safest way for this to come out.  I took a huge risk but I did what I felt like was absolutely necessary. 

It wasn't about my loyalty to my daughter.  I took the side of "what is best for all".  I love my daughter, I love my son in law (with all their flaws) and I truly want their marriage to be the best it can be. 

Daughter had to own what she had done, her husband has to own what part he played and let's get real, honest and some couseling and move forward. 

Nothing was ever going to get any better with their marriage trying to hide what had happened.

What has surprised me on this board is the extremely harsh remarks.  I really thought there would be more people who follow Dr. Phil and these boards who could see the whole picture.  Maybe ask more questions, offer support and constructive advise.  Guess I was totally wrong.

I have found that the majority on these boards and nothing more than "finger pointers". 

Your post and one or two others have been very helpful..  The others I just ignore.  "For they know not what they talk about"




 
November 4, 2006, 12:16 pm CST

thank you

Quote From: whipit97

hey i did some digging through some real estate and in atlanta, i found at the Holiday Apartments, they have a move in special where your first month's rent is only $199.  after that it's around $479/month for a 1 bedroom and $572 for the 2 bedroom, the public transportation also stops on the property and it comes complete with all the appliances, which at 23, i'm pretty sure you don't have.

 

at $11/hr working full time, after taxes you should yeild about $1232/month.  Depending on your style of living and bills etc. you can decide about a roommate.  After rent, if you decide not to have a roommate, you'll have about $753/month.  You also have utilities (i forgot to check which amenities were included in the rent) etc. so it's really up to you.

 

I would recommend a roomie, if there is someone you trust in the area.

 

again, good luck to you

I did a search for that holiday apartments and it does look nice and affordable.  I do have a friend that would like to move out too who i've known for over a decade.  He needs to find a job too as well as a car lol.  But that is a nice one and I put it as a favorite in my browser for easy access later.
 
November 8, 2006, 2:24 pm CST

email

Quote From: figuritout

Chris, I can't see any good reason for you to be living with your mother and grandmother.  I know someone like them and I see what this person did to a relative (child/grandchild) and it's not pretty.  Living in filth is just part of it.  The other part is lack of boundaries; this person has no privacy or rights.  Also, she has been groomed to be financially dependent and discouraged as far as schooling and jobs go.  The comments from your mom are the same ones she has been listening to for years.  She will never leave now.  I would hate to see you in the same situation.  Get out while you can. 

 

Be sure to go talk to the colleges.  The community colleges usually have free or low-cost classes and/or counseling to help you choose a major.  Also, apply for financial aid soon; the applications come out in a few weeks for the next school year.  If you take too long, the money will be gone.  There might be on-campus jobs, whether you qualify for financial aid or not--or off-campus jobs. 

 

Do you have any idea what kind of work you want to do?  Have you been able to work at all or does your mother keep you too busy?  Do you support them?  Can they support themselves?

 

If you have an e-mail listed and you want more ideas, let me know.  I would be happy to encourage you to get into a healthier situation. 

 

Oh, can you get to counseling at all?  It might help to get you through the guilt trips your mother is bound to put you through.

 

Good luck!!

my email is thrach@comcast.net .  I am really confused on what to do, I am still waiting to hear from this job to schedule an interview.  I really need a way out of this house and I just don't know what to do.  How can I get a student loan so I can go to school and live in an apartment or something?  I know I need counseling, i've had it before and I just can't really afford it.  What can a 23 year old male with no education and no financial support do? 
 
November 8, 2006, 5:24 pm CST

This affects the whole family.

I have 2 sisters who are fully supported by my mother. I also have a brother-in-law and sister-in-law who are dependant on their parents. My brother-in-law has always been spoiled rotten and he gets whatever he wants. My mother-in-law and father-in law pay all of brother-in-laws  bills and pay off his credit cards every month while he sits on his 40 year old butt drinking at night and sleeping all day.  It is a strain for them to continue to support him as if he was a child. If Social Security is still around in the future my brother-in-law will never have enough work credits to retire. In 2006, he has not worked at all. When my mother-law and father-in-law pass away, my brother-in-law will quickly go through what remaining assets they have left. In the end, my husband and I fear that we will be stuck supporting  his brother, who is old enough and able to work.  I see my mother-in-law stressed out over her tight budget. I think my mother-in-law and father-in-law are hurting not only themselves in this situation. My brother-in-law has no work ethic and needs a major wake up call.
 
November 8, 2006, 9:53 pm CST

Adult Children Living at Home

Quote From: stressedout74

MAYBE SOMEONE OUT THERE CAN RELATE TO THIS, IF SO- I WOULD LOVE SOME FEEDBACK! I HAVE 2 STEP CHILDREN IN MY HOUSE. THE BOY IS NEVER A PROBLEM. IT IS THE 21 YEAR OLD GIRL. I AM AT MY WITS END. SHE HAS LIVED WITH US FOR ALMOST 3 YEARS NOW. AT FIRST WE GOT ALONG JUST FINE, THEN I BEGAN TO NOTICE THAT SHE WAS HELPING HERSELF TO ALL OF MY PERSONAL BELONGINGS WITHOUT ASKING PERMISSION. HER FATHER AND I AGREED THAT IF THERE WERE ANY PROBLEMS THAT I WOULD COME TO HIM AND LET HIM HANDLE IT WITH HIS CHILDREN, AND HE WOULD DO THE SAME CONCERNING MY CHILDREN. I WENT TO HIM, AND WHEN HE WOULD CONFRONT HER, SHE WOULD REPLY WITH, "DAD, I SWEAR I DIDN'T TAKE ANYTHING OF HERS." EVEN WHEN I CAUGHT HER WALKING OUT OF THE HOUSE WITH A BOTTLE OF MY LOTION, SHE DENIED THAT SHE HAD TAKEN IT. THIS WENT ON FOR THE FIRST YEAR. I GUESS SHE FINALLY GOT TIRED OF HER FATHER CHEWING HER OUT. THIS GIRL IS SO IRRESPONSIBLE, SHE DOESN'T WORK NOW- SHE DOESN'T GO TO SCHOOL, SHE LOST HER DRIVERS LICENSE, SHE TOTALED HER CAR. SHE IS ONLY CONCERNED ABOUT PARTYING. I HAVE FOUND POT THAT SHE BROUGHT INTO THE HOUSE, SHE CONSTANTLY LIES TO HER FATHER! WHEN SHE WAS GOING TO SCHOOL, SHE WASN'T SHOWING UP FOR CLASS, SO WHEN THE FORM CAME THAT SHE WAS ACADEMIC PROBATION- TO HER FATHER, THE EXCUSE IS "DADDY, THEY MUST OF MESSED UP, BECAUSE I WENT TO CLASS." AND HE BUYS IT HALF WAY. LATELY I'VE NOTICED SOME SPITEFUL THINGS. I WAS OUTSIDE THE OTHER WEEK, SHE CLOSES THE GARAGE DOOR, LOCKS THE HOUSE DOOR, I COME IN THROUGH THE OTHER SIDE DOOR WHERE MY BEDROOM IS, THAT SHE DIDN'T LOCK , AND SHE SAYS TO ME, WHEN YOU WERE OUTSIDE TRYING TO START THE LAWN MOWER IT STARTLED ME. RIGHT THEN I KNEW SHE LOCKED THE DOORS ON PURPOSE. I GOT SO MAD, BECAUSE I ACTUALLY WAS COMING BACK IN BECAUSE I DIDN'T FEEL WELL, I HAD JUST WENT OFF OF MY HEART MEDICATION FOR A HEART CATHETERIzATION 2 DAYS LATER.   I HAD A SHIRT THAT ENDED UP MISSING OUT OF THE DRYER, I ASKED HER FATHER TO SEE IF SHE HAD IT, AND IT WAS IN HER ROOM. BUT HER REPONSE WAS " DAD! I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THIS GOT IN HERE!" AND IT WAS LEFT AT THAT. SHE DOES NOT DO ANY CHORES AROUND THE HOUSE. HER ROOM IS A MESS, SHE TAKES DISHES THAT I HAVE PURCHASED AND LEAVES THEM WHEREVER, I HAVE CAUGHT HER TAKING MONEY OUT OF HER LITTLE BROTHERS ROOM, SHE HAS BOUGHT ALCOHOL FOR HER BROTHER TO DRINK( HE'S ONLY 17). BY ALL MEANS, MY CHILDREN ARE NOT PERFECT, AND THEY ARE MOST CERTAINLY PUNISHED TO THE FULLEST EXTENT WHEN THEY DO WRONG. I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I AM AT MY WITS END!!! HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH TYPE OF SITUATION? HER FATHER DOESN'T SEE IT.

I would confront your husband and tell him that he is not helping his daughter by ignoring her bad attitude, he is infact making it worse by ignoring the situation. First of all? She takes drugs,( you found pot she had ), and she smokes pot? She could be doing harder drugs, she totaled her car, she drinks liqiuor, etc... this will only lead her to harm, she will either end up in a hospital with bad life threatening injurys, or end up dead. Im afraid the only thing to do to help her? Is to throw her out of the house, change the locks on your doors, and call the police if she keeps banging on the door to get back in. Its tough Love, and it is NOT going to be easy. Nobody wants to see their child living on a street, and guilt will make you want to let her back in, BUT DONT DO IT, Unless? She promises to straighten up, go to rehab to help with her drinking, her anger and her drugs. And she would also have to agree to respect you, and get up every morning to go look for work, and set a deadline when she must have a job, or she will be thrown back out. I realize this will NOT be easy, but really? this will be her wake up call. Nobody wants to live on the streets, ( by the way? she wouldnt probally live on the street, she will probally stay at a friends house for a few days, until she is kicked out of there ), she will realize how much she misses a roof over her head and free hot meals everyday. This will hopefully straighten her out, and make her realize, she needs to change now. Tell her calmly, she must leave, because you care too much about her, to watch her throw her life away, and that you are doing this for her. She will be very angry, but this will be a eye opening for her, and possiably save her life. I know a few people who had to do this? And it worked out excellent. Just my opinion, but this is what I would do, its tough love, but would be the best for everyone.

And it will make you feel guilty, with thoughts of, " what if something happens to her after we throw her out?". But a better question would be? " why didnt we help her, because now its too late".

Good Luck.

 

 
November 9, 2006, 8:11 am CST

I could not imagine this

I have been trying for months to get my system to allow me on the Dr Phil boards!

When my husband an I were younger (early 20's) we had to move back with his parents after the home we were renting part of from another couple was being sold (they were divorcing).  We spent months trying to find even a small apartment that would allow us to keep our pets that was within an hour of work and school.  The rents had become outrageous! 

 

Well, we moved in with the agreement (made by US) that we would pay half of what we would have spent in rent, bank the other half  since we would not be paying utilities (and do our laundry out of the house) and also help with repairs to the house (drastically needed). 

 

We spent about two years there, helped with as many prohects as we could get my inlaws to do (hoarders anf FIL cannot see that while he can get one small portion of the house done to perfection, the rest was falling down around them) and as soon as we had enough for a SMALL house, we moved out.  This was back in the early 1990's.  It was shocked by how many friends of ours were moving back, not paying rent, not contributing, etc.  We are older Gen-Xers but had parents that taught us a work ethic and if we needed help, it would be there but never for free once we were adults.  It was either go to college full time (and work part time) or work full time and pay rent and become tenants as opposed to leeches.

 

I am shocked at what I am seeing now!  And even my own peers moving in with parents so they can live an extravagant lifestyle they could not afford if they were paying a rent or mortgage!

 

I am now an at-home mom and hopefully will instill in my children the values and self-reliance my parent and inlaws gave us!

 

 

 
November 9, 2006, 8:55 am CST

Adult Children Living at Home

Quote From: kgpeak

I have been trying for months to get my system to allow me on the Dr Phil boards!

When my husband an I were younger (early 20's) we had to move back with his parents after the home we were renting part of from another couple was being sold (they were divorcing).  We spent months trying to find even a small apartment that would allow us to keep our pets that was within an hour of work and school.  The rents had become outrageous! 

 

Well, we moved in with the agreement (made by US) that we would pay half of what we would have spent in rent, bank the other half  since we would not be paying utilities (and do our laundry out of the house) and also help with repairs to the house (drastically needed). 

 

We spent about two years there, helped with as many prohects as we could get my inlaws to do (hoarders anf FIL cannot see that while he can get one small portion of the house done to perfection, the rest was falling down around them) and as soon as we had enough for a SMALL house, we moved out.  This was back in the early 1990's.  It was shocked by how many friends of ours were moving back, not paying rent, not contributing, etc.  We are older Gen-Xers but had parents that taught us a work ethic and if we needed help, it would be there but never for free once we were adults.  It was either go to college full time (and work part time) or work full time and pay rent and become tenants as opposed to leeches.

 

I am shocked at what I am seeing now!  And even my own peers moving in with parents so they can live an extravagant lifestyle they could not afford if they were paying a rent or mortgage!

 

I am now an at-home mom and hopefully will instill in my children the values and self-reliance my parent and inlaws gave us!

 

 

I am not trying to finger point at those who are trying to help adult children out of dangerous situations, especially when there are grandchildren involved.

 

I am referring to adult children who refuse to grow up and get out and care for themselves.  With some I know doing this it is because they know the parents will allow themselves to be manipulated by the dear baby and WHY should baby grow up?  Sometimes it is a case of parents not wanting to alienate the kids.  Other times it is the parent does not want the child to grow up.  Other times it is the child was never taught to manage money, plan financially, etc. 

 

My feeling is regardless of why child is moving back in there must be:

 

1 - BOUNDARIES.  This is your house, not the child's.  If you do not want parties, "sleepovers", etc., it is YOUR perrogative to state and enforce this. 

 

2 - RENT AND UTILITIES.  Living anywhere else would have someone pay rent or mortgage.  And do not allow excuses for late payment.   No landlord or bank would tolerate it.

 

3 - RULES.  Food, hours, noise, etc.  Again, this is your house and an adult child must be expected to handle rules as if he/she were in a boarding house, etc,

 

4 - TIME LIMITS.  How long before they have to have a job (even flipping burgers, at one point my husband and I were working three and four jobs between the two of us) and start paying before they must find another place NO FREE RIDES.

 

5 - BANK ACCOUNT.  They must have an account and be paying into it our better yet if you fear they will use the money for fun, you take out an account and deposit the rent or what you do not need to help pay for the extra body in the house and keep that account.  When you give that time limit for them to get out, you can help them invest the money, use it for getting into their own place, etc. 

 

But remember, no adult child can mooch off of you unless you allow it.  Even those you are helping get out of a bad situation must also be taught to care for themselves and be selfsufficient in a healthier way.

 

And for any child doing illegal drugs in the house, IMMEDIATE eviction.  Why?  In some areas even if they are ving with you, if you knowingly allow it, YOU can lose your house.

 
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