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Topic : Adult Children Living at Home
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May 17, 2008, 11:51 am PDT
 Quote From: mmcturk How stressful for you and your husband. All you can do is give them a date to be out and keep saying 'It's 6 weeks and you must go' and count down. If she is having a hysterectomy then as a young girl she should recover fairly quickly from that and the silver lining to that cloud is she will be able to be independant and work without the 'problem' of any more babies holding her back. I know that sounds cruel but she doesn't seem to be coping too well with the one child. You must concentrate on helping your husband through his illness and if it means a big fall out with your daughter then so be it, she is an adult 31 year old woman who can't expect her sick parents to support her indefinetly. Not sure where you stand legally but presumably you can get the Police to evict them if needed or if you can afford it you can hire a van to take them away and don't forget to change your locks. You must decide what you want and stick to it, no discussion just tell them they have to go by a certain date and everything must be removed or you get it thrown away. oooops, I didn't spell check |
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May 17, 2008, 2:12 pm PDT
Quote From: valpak32 I am new to this message board, but felt I needed to give it a shot. I have been dating the most wonderful guy for now almost two and half years. When we first met, he told me he was still living at home at age 38 (yes, I know, age 38). He had been out of the house in his twenties, but returned when he was about 30. He led me to believe he had to get things "straightened out" and that I needed to be patient with him.
At any rate, he is everything I could ever want in someone in terms of loyalty, love, kindness, dependable, etc. He treats me so well. However, I am having a big issue with the lack of financial responsibility he has had in his life. I am a self employed, hard working, professional, own my own house, car, have planned for retirement, etc. I have a good history of credit, etc. I have been financially responsible.
I am questioning now if it is time to move on because he does not and has not gotten his act together. We have talked about marriage, but how can I expect someone to be dependable if he what seems, can't take care of himself? Here is where the dilemma comes in? He knows he needs to get help for depression and feeling better about himself...and has taken the first step and made a phone call to see someone. But, is that enough? I would have thought if he really thought there was a future, he would have taken steps to start this sooner than later. UHHHGGGG...it is tough because he is such a great guy, but I am starting to resent the fact of our differences in our financial responsibilities,etc and of course living at home. I have been on my own since college. I am very understanding in that we all go through our rough patches, but 10 years living at home? When do I draw the line? Am I crazy? Obviously this would have been a much easier decision if he wasn't a great person. He has the biggest heart in the world, but if someone can't seem to make it on their own, what chance is there for us? This didn't matter as much earlier in the relationship, but now it does. I am 36 and he is 40...we both have never been married. Sorry to write so much, but my situation seems so unique. I am hoping to hear from others on any advice if you have been down this road...am a bad person for feeling resentful? I told him I would support him emotionally if he chose to get help, but if someone does not choose to get themself on track and get better, where does that leave me? Please give me your input. Thanks! No, you aren’t crazy; you are 100% sane for having these thoughts. You see some extremely clear, valid ‘flaws’ in this man. Although he has some great characteristics, they don’t outweigh the negative characteristics. You have to listen to your instincts, and you can’t be so negatively judgmental on yourself- now is the time to be your own best friend. You said that he called for an appt. for “help.” What kind of help, exactly? Has he had this appt. yet? If not, hopefully he will soon. If he doesn’t follow through with this help, you have to seriously consider leaving the relationship. My advice to you is to create a deadline in your mind; if you don’t see obvious improvement within, say, 6 months- its time to go. You can’t help a person who can’t help themselves. You have a lot going for you, and you deserve to have nothing but the very best in your partner. I know that it isn’t easy to clearly see negative aspects while you are in love. It isn’t easy to tell someone that you truly love and care about that you don’t want to be with them anymore. But, the right thing to do is usually the hardest thing to do. I wish you the best! |
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May 18, 2008, 7:21 am PDT
Quote From: jaimie1974 No, you arent crazy; you are 100% sane for having these thoughts. You see some extremely clear, valid flaws in this man. Although he has some great characteristics, they dont outweigh the negative characteristics. You have to listen to your instincts, and you cant be so negatively judgmental on yourself- now is the time to be your own best friend. You said that he called for an appt. for help. What kind of help, exactly? Has he had this appt. yet? If not, hopefully he will soon. If he doesnt follow through with this help, you have to seriously consider leaving the relationship. My advice to you is to create a deadline in your mind; if you dont see obvious improvement within, say, 6 months- its time to go. You cant help a person who cant help themselves. You have a lot going for you, and you deserve to have nothing but the very best in your partner. I know that it isnt easy to clearly see negative aspects while you are in love. It isnt easy to tell someone that you truly love and care about that you dont want to be with them anymore. But, the right thing to do is usually the hardest thing to do. I wish you the best! Thank you for your input. He is a wonderful guy who says he only feels good about himself when he is with me which worries me. He is just not happy inside and I guess I did not realize the extent of it until recently until I started putting pressure on him about "what is next" for us? He has hid his unhappiness very well because for the most part, we have been happy together. I know just as well as the next person that if you are not happy with yourself you can't truly be happy with someone else. I have encouraged he seek help to help discover the true problem (s). His mother has said more than once that he has a gambling problem. This is obviously a real problem with me being that I have been very responsible and worked hard for every cent I have gotten. I have questioned him about it and told him if that is a problem and you are not treated for it, then we don't have a future. I will support him if he seeks help, but unfortunately will have to walk away if he doesn't. I agree, I was thinking 6 months, no later than the end of the year and then it is time to make a decision. Like I said, he has so many good qualities, but when it comes to financial responsibility, that is a red flag for me. Thank you so much for your input and hope you have a good day! :) |
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May 18, 2008, 10:28 am PDT
Quote From: mmcturk My only comment to you would be that this time when you are both in love and have no joint responsibilties should be the happiest and most carefree of your life together. Once you have made the big decision to get married the first few years are very tough as you will have so many joint responsibilities both emotional and financial. So if you are finding it tough now and not much fun, lady it will be much harder and more miserable once you are together. Think long and hard before committing yourself to what sounds a tough road ahead. Thank you for your input. You are only confirming what I have been feeling. Sometimes it just helps to hear it from someone outside the situation. |
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May 18, 2008, 10:46 am PDT
I'm new to this website and the message boards but see so much support and good advice in this section. I have a son who was considered 'gifted' all through school. He tested in the top 5 percent in the United States. Problem is that he has always been unmotivated and has troubles with doing any of the tedious work to go from point A to point B. After high school, he was sick of school and decided to join the Navy. He wanted to be a pilot. He became an airplane electrician there instead because he wears glasses and he couldnt be a pilot. He didnt go to college while in the Navy even though my husband (his dad) kept on him to do so. He became engaged to a girl totally wrong for him. and I say that because my son is christian, this girl was into the occult and our son thought he could 'help' her and change her etc. She finally broke up with him and went her seperate way and our sons heart was broken. He decided to not reenlist after 6 years in the Navy and he asked if he could come home, start college, get a good job and look into buying a house here in TX. We said "of course" After he was here about a month (this was last sept), he started talking to his first love from high school and she was going through a divorce. Her husband had filed papers on her and she moved out of the house and left her child with her husband and her mother in law. This girl, I will call her "Mary" is somewhat handicapped from an injury when she was in the military and has all sorts of weird issues. She uses her handicap at her convenience to get people to do or not do what she wants. (She gets around fine when it suits her) She convinced our son that it was okay for them to date even though she was still married because she was part native american and in the native american community they were considered divorced when her husband gave her papers. She also got her 5 yr old son to start calling our son 'daddy'. After another month, she informed me that that our son was going to move to CA in a couple months and they would be sharing the same bed. (Yes, that is how she put it to me) I'd be writing a book if I told ya'll what all she has said to me and then said to our son and my daughter to sway our son to her side but, wow, I dont think ya'll want to read all that. I stopped allowing "Mary" to contact me in any way and I do not contact her because of all the trouble she was causing and it was seeminly directed at me. Our son spends his time going to work, spending tons of money on a two seater car he is in love with (even though his future wife has a child), not applying to colleges (he did apply to MIT and have an interview during this time but was not accepted. He didnt study and they said that if he were accepted he tested in the middle of what MIT students do, but because so many people apply, they can only accept a certain number). Our son has been here not contributing in any way, not keeping the room he is in acceptable, and just doing what he wants and biding his time till he moves to CA to get married. We were told back when I was speaking to "Mary" that when her divorce was final, they would be getting married in an Indian ceremony with "Mary's' friends and ex in laws. "Mary's" family is here in TX. She was only telling me "In case I wanted to show up" Anyways, I am so sad and so depressed that I dont even want to look at my own son or talk to him. He makes me sick how he is treating his whole family and he just walks around as if nothing at all is happening. He doesnt understand that a marraige is one of the biggest things in a persons life and he just thinks I am overreacting.. and maybe I am. I see my doctor this week and they will probably up my meds because I have become so upset. How do I deal with this? Have any of you had to watch your adult child make bad choice after bad choice and have it hurt so much inside.? Its sort of like watching a train wreck every day and you just cant stop it at all. Thanks for listening. Any advice is so appreciated. |
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May 18, 2008, 12:50 pm PDT
Quote From: valpak32 Thank you for your input. He is a wonderful guy who says he only feels good about himself when he is with me which worries me. He is just not happy inside and I guess I did not realize the extent of it until recently until I started putting pressure on him about "what is next" for us? He has hid his unhappiness very well because for the most part, we have been happy together. I know just as well as the next person that if you are not happy with yourself you can't truly be happy with someone else. I have encouraged he seek help to help discover the true problem (s). His mother has said more than once that he has a gambling problem. This is obviously a real problem with me being that I have been very responsible and worked hard for every cent I have gotten. I have questioned him about it and told him if that is a problem and you are not treated for it, then we don't have a future. I will support him if he seeks help, but unfortunately will have to walk away if he doesn't. I agree, I was thinking 6 months, no later than the end of the year and then it is time to make a decision. Like I said, he has so many good qualities, but when it comes to financial responsibility, that is a red flag for me. Thank you so much for your input and hope you have a good day! :) Its is really good that you have the knowledge and insight to admit that, although this man has some great qualities, his negative qualities outweigh the positive ones. I think that many women would try to convince themselves that he will change, that once you get married things will be different, etc.- but those are just distraction tactics from reality. You have to focus on what is the truth- just the facts- not what you wish/hope/pray to change. I wish you the best. While waiting out the next six months, take care of yourself. Be your own best friend. |
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May 18, 2008, 1:02 pm PDT
Quote From: debyszoo I'm new to this website and the message boards but see so much support and good advice in this section. I have a son who was considered 'gifted' all through school. He tested in the top 5 percent in the United States. Problem is that he has always been unmotivated and has troubles with doing any of the tedious work to go from point A to point B. After high school, he was sick of school and decided to join the Navy. He wanted to be a pilot. He became an airplane electrician there instead because he wears glasses and he couldnt be a pilot. He didnt go to college while in the Navy even though my husband (his dad) kept on him to do so. He became engaged to a girl totally wrong for him. and I say that because my son is christian, this girl was into the occult and our son thought he could 'help' her and change her etc. She finally broke up with him and went her seperate way and our sons heart was broken. He decided to not reenlist after 6 years in the Navy and he asked if he could come home, start college, get a good job and look into buying a house here in TX. We said "of course" After he was here about a month (this was last sept), he started talking to his first love from high school and she was going through a divorce. Her husband had filed papers on her and she moved out of the house and left her child with her husband and her mother in law. This girl, I will call her "Mary" is somewhat handicapped from an injury when she was in the military and has all sorts of weird issues. She uses her handicap at her convenience to get people to do or not do what she wants. (She gets around fine when it suits her) She convinced our son that it was okay for them to date even though she was still married because she was part native american and in the native american community they were considered divorced when her husband gave her papers. She also got her 5 yr old son to start calling our son 'daddy'. After another month, she informed me that that our son was going to move to CA in a couple months and they would be sharing the same bed. (Yes, that is how she put it to me) I'd be writing a book if I told ya'll what all she has said to me and then said to our son and my daughter to sway our son to her side but, wow, I dont think ya'll want to read all that. I stopped allowing "Mary" to contact me in any way and I do not contact her because of all the trouble she was causing and it was seeminly directed at me. Our son spends his time going to work, spending tons of money on a two seater car he is in love with (even though his future wife has a child), not applying to colleges (he did apply to MIT and have an interview during this time but was not accepted. He didnt study and they said that if he were accepted he tested in the middle of what MIT students do, but because so many people apply, they can only accept a certain number). Our son has been here not contributing in any way, not keeping the room he is in acceptable, and just doing what he wants and biding his time till he moves to CA to get married. We were told back when I was speaking to "Mary" that when her divorce was final, they would be getting married in an Indian ceremony with "Mary's' friends and ex in laws. "Mary's" family is here in TX. She was only telling me "In case I wanted to show up" Anyways, I am so sad and so depressed that I dont even want to look at my own son or talk to him. He makes me sick how he is treating his whole family and he just walks around as if nothing at all is happening. He doesnt understand that a marraige is one of the biggest things in a persons life and he just thinks I am overreacting.. and maybe I am. I see my doctor this week and they will probably up my meds because I have become so upset. How do I deal with this? Have any of you had to watch your adult child make bad choice after bad choice and have it hurt so much inside.? Its sort of like watching a train wreck every day and you just cant stop it at all. Thanks for listening. Any advice is so appreciated. Do you ever talk to your son, have conversations, etc.? Or, does he walk around as though everything is ‘normal’ and not talk at all? I’m curious to know why would his girlfriend contact you and tell you all these things, when he is living under your roof, and he could be the one to tell you? As a parent myself, I know that you only want what is best for your son. You want him to have a long, happy and healthy life; you want him to marry someone who compliments him and who will contribute to that long, happy life. You don’t want to see him have his personality ‘taken over’ by another person, bringing about change that is not good. How does your husband feel about all of this? What is his opinion on your son living there, not contributing financially or helping out at all? It is so important for you and your husband to be on the same page, to show a united front to your son. Talk with your husband about your concerns regarding your son and his lack of motivation, financial responsibility, etc. Talk about ideas on how you can try to motivate your son. Remember that he is an adult, and you might not have any power to motivate him at all. There is only one person that you have any power over, and that is YOU. I urge you to begin putting your focus and energy on yourself, try to learn how to deal with these stresses in a way that does not make you feel so anxious. You mentioned seeing your Dr., I suggest that you ask for a referral to a therapist for yourself. A professional will be able to listen and provide valuable, unbiased advice/insight for you. Also, a trained professional can guide you towards the steps that you need to take in order to create positive changes in your life. You have no power over your son’s life, but you do have power over YOU; a professional can help you learn to harness that energy that you spend on your son and put it onto yourself. Although your son’s girlfriend isn’t an ideal match in your opinion, my advice to you is to try your best to present yourself as having an open mind and open heart to her. She is pushing buttons to get a reaction; her goal might be to isolate your son from his family, so that she’ll have total power over him. Right now, you are giving into her plan. Try your best to be neutral; if you aren’t neutral, then at the least, force yourself to appear neutral in her presence. Approach her, say something like, “We got off on the wrong foot, I really want to start over; you are going to be a part of my life forever, and I would love to have a happy, healthy relationship with you…” (I know, I know- don’t gag- but this could be a very important key in changing your son’s life!) Your son has done the opposite of what you’ve wanted him to do in life. If he sees you accepting the woman that he plans to marry; his feelings just might change in regards to her. I know that seems so juvenile; and it is juvenile- it is worth a shot. (This is a tactic that my husband and I have used a few times with our daughter, when she brings home boys that we don’t care for- we force ourselves to appear as though he is just great. She gets over him fast when she doesn’t get a reaction out of us.) I wish you the best. Take care of yourself! |
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May 18, 2008, 1:21 pm PDT
Quote From: jaimie1974 Do you ever talk to your son, have conversations, etc.? Or, does he walk around as though everything is normal and not talk at all? Im curious to know why would his girlfriend contact you and tell you all these things, when he is living under your roof, and he could be the one to tell you? As a parent myself, I know that you only want what is best for your son. You want him to have a long, happy and healthy life; you want him to marry someone who compliments him and who will contribute to that long, happy life. You dont want to see him have his personality taken over by another person, bringing about change that is not good. How does your husband feel about all of this? What is his opinion on your son living there, not contributing financially or helping out at all? It is so important for you and your husband to be on the same page, to show a united front to your son. Talk with your husband about your concerns regarding your son and his lack of motivation, financial responsibility, etc. Talk about ideas on how you can try to motivate your son. Remember that he is an adult, and you might not have any power to motivate him at all. There is only one person that you have any power over, and that is YOU. I urge you to begin putting your focus and energy on yourself, try to learn how to deal with these stresses in a way that does not make you feel so anxious. You mentioned seeing your Dr., I suggest that you ask for a referral to a therapist for yourself. A professional will be able to listen and provide valuable, unbiased advice/insight for you. Also, a trained professional can guide you towards the steps that you need to take in order to create positive changes in your life. You have no power over your sons life, but you do have power over YOU; a professional can help you learn to harness that energy that you spend on your son and put it onto yourself. Although your sons girlfriend isnt an ideal match in your opinion, my advice to you is to try your best to present yourself as having an open mind and open heart to her. She is pushing buttons to get a reaction; her goal might be to isolate your son from his family, so that shell have total power over him. Right now, you are giving into her plan. Try your best to be neutral; if you arent neutral, then at the least, force yourself to appear neutral in her presence. Approach her, say something like, We got off on the wrong foot, I really want to start over; you are going to be a part of my life forever, and I would love to have a happy, healthy relationship with you (I know, I know- dont gag- but this could be a very important key in changing your sons life!) Your son has done the opposite of what youve wanted him to do in life. If he sees you accepting the woman that he plans to marry; his feelings just might change in regards to her. I know that seems so juvenile; and it is juvenile- it is worth a shot. (This is a tactic that my husband and I have used a few times with our daughter, when she brings home boys that we dont care for- we force ourselves to appear as though he is just great. She gets over him fast when she doesnt get a reaction out of us.) I wish you the best. Take care of yourself! Thank you so much Jamie. He walks around acting like everything is normal. You asked why she would tell me things... thats a mystery to me as well. She used to also call me from CA to tell me to try and get my son to stop "smacking his food when he eats" because it drove her crazy, as well as several calls to ask me to support her on this issue or that and to not tell my son things that are contrary to what she is trying to get him to change his mind on or what she is trying to get him to do. You are so right when you bring up the gag reflex upon contacting her.. lol... I dont think I can call her with that right now because if I do, it will open the door for her to call me all the time for the same type things she was, including if she was upset with our son in the middle of the night. I'm just not up for that right now. My husband is extremely dissapointed with our son but he is of the opinion that he should hurry up and move out to CA to be with her so that he will "Learn the hard way since that is what he is determined to do, get it over with, come back home and go to college" So, that is where my husband stands on this, that it will definately not work out and he'll be back with a clearer mind. I fogot to mention that our son is 25 and his fiance is in CA and is 26. I so appreciate your support and you are so right.. I do need to focus on myself. I have alot of house projects going on right now (painting the house, etc...) and I find it so hard not to be so upset when I am looking at my son every day as he just goes around thinking that everything is normal. What kind of son doesnt even include his own parents in his wedding day because his fiance wants to have a wedding with her friends in CA? Her family is here in TX! Everyone but our son tends to believe that she is only doing this because if it doesnt work out he'll be paying alimony. (TX is not an alimony state) And look at that...I'm focusing on all that again! I think I'll just go outside and work on the yard awhile. Thank you again. Being a parent is wonderful and horrible all at the same time isnt it? Whew! |
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May 21, 2008, 5:01 pm PDT
Quote From: jb7ctx My sister has adult children living at home that are just too dang lazy to work!!! They want everyone else to take care of them and their children. They would rather sit around all day and watch T.V. and smoke, instead of getting off their lazy butts and going to work! When they need money for gas, cigarettes, food, rent, electricity, what do they do? They run to my parents and put on a sad sob story! My sister just lost her husband last year, and as soon as he was buried, her grown kids moved in and mooched her dry!!! My sister hasnt even went to work yet. She stays home and watches her grandchildren so her grown kids can run the roads. How do they run the roads? By begging for money from my parents saying they are looking for a job. This was last year and neither has a job yet!! One is 29 and married with 3 kids. ( her husband is a lazy butt too and dont work). He couldnt go to work because his lip got sunburned! GOOD GRIEF!! ( just one example of an excuse)! Another excuse, " I hurt my back", but yet he can go outside and move tree limbs! The other daughter is 24 with 3 kids and she feels that if her mom dont work, then she dont have to either because she shouldnt have to be the one to pay all the bills. Excuse me?? But she has 3 kids to take care of. I just dont get it! They want all the good life to live in, but dont want to work a day for it. They are L-A-Z-Y! AARRGGHH!! make s me ill! I wish my parents would quit giving them money. They use their kids as a pawn to get money and when they get the money, they BLOW it on unneccessay things! instead of buying food and paying bills! My parents paid their rent for over 4 months one time, and all the rest of us kids turned against them for doing that, since none of them are working and when my parents found out how we all felt, they said they were gonna stop, but I dont think they have because no one is working over there and yet they still have elecrticity, food, you name it! Sorry! I am venting! I could go on and on, but I will stop now. Theres just no excuse for this! My daughter just turned 17, she is graduating this year. She WORKS after school! She just brought herself a 98 mustang, PAID FOR,and she buys her own clothes, she does chores around the home on her off days. She has money put up for when she graduates. If my daughter can do this, so can they! For petes sake! They are older than her! OK! I'll quit now. My mother has a 50 year old, and a 51 year old son living with her. We stress about the situation a lot. My advice, if things don't start changing soon, distance yourself. It just gets worse. |
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May 26, 2008, 5:32 am PDT
DS is almost 19. He has always been stubborn and resistive to doing anything that was NOT his idea... He is on probation for stealing things..... and because of the probation was in alternative ed, and would have been 20 when he finally graduated because of his refusal to do his homework.... so he quit school when he turned 18.
He still lives here at home... his room (which was the familyroom) is a pigsty..... he comes and goes as he wishes(and dh won't set boundaries), he has his girlfriend sleeping over on the weekends (something I DO NOT approve of, and again, dh says nothing......)
Final straw???? Yesterday, he helped himself to a big beautiful steak from MY FREEZER and dh and I had a huge fight because according to him "He lives here..... he can eat what he wants....." What?????? I bought it, he pays his car payment (most of the time.... the rest, dh paid when ds was not working since the loan in in dh and ds's names) his insurance and his cell phone...... NO rent, NO room and board, NO groceries.......
I really want to show him the door..... but dh is being such a jerk.....
I don't understand why dh babies him so...... he really needs a kick in the pants.... if you want to act like a grown up, then be a grown up......
Thanks for letting me vent..... am determined to not let him ruin my memorial day...... |
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