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Topic : Black Sheep of the Family?

Number of Replies: 213
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Created on : Sunday, September 17, 2006, 11:44:09 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Are you the outcast in your family, the one NO one wants to talk about or even acknowledge? What makes you different or unique, and how does it affect others in your family? Share your story here.

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December 8, 2007, 3:42 pm CST

gullble in past

Quote From: baybgirl101

Wow, that is bizarre!! I would of responded the same way that you did...how dare they?..who do they think they are really...I really don't know what to say, I'm sure for your family and yourself you are making the right decision...they are just playing you Hun...dint give in..I know if it would of been my situation, I think that I'm so gullible, I would of went...maybe out of pity, maybe out of being hurt for so many years trying to make my family what i seen fit for a family...And that would of not been the right thing to do...As for your brother, he should be old enough to understand your response, and come see you just as he did over the past weekend...

Keep your head up, and smile...you know you are doing the right thing.

 

Have a good day!

I have been gullible for  years.  I complain about he unfairness they get mat and play a guilt trip and  I give in. They are not fair.  When I found out I was pregnant my stepmom last year said "I am not babysitting"  I love 4 hours away and she loves watchnng my stepsisters grandchildren.  It hurt for her to say that.  I hardly ever expect her watch my children and when she has I usually pay her. My son has gone there before but maybe once a year because when he comes home his is very depressed and irriable because they play emotional games with him.  He does not realize he is being manipulated and his reacion is anger and depression.  So I have limited his visits.  So for her to say that was mean.  She also plans her vacations on my birthdy and has done so for 20 years except for this year she planned their vacation during the birth of my son. They missed he date though I had an emergency c section the day before their vacation so they came down for 1 hour and left and I didn't see them for 1 month.  She went on another vacation after their tripto mexico with her daughter and granddaughter and they kept saying "well we are busy working on the house, etc" and that realy hurt.  My father would not even hold his own grandson. I had to force him to do it.  My brother yelled at them an said "you guys don't even act excited at all"  My mother called me after my brother yelled at her and tried toget me involved and I pretty much stayed out of it  So he sees to some extent how they act.  My brother was the first to come down and help me with Zach after surgery.  My Stepsisters did even come to the hospital or our home.  She called me for1 minute snapped at me because I told her my c section didn't hurt as bad as I had thought and she hung up.  My son was angry at them all.  My stepsister said to me when we finally went up to mom and dad's house that it was about time I took the baby up to their house so she could see the baby.  I could not believe it. I had 2 surgeries and was very ill with kidney problems and could not travel for months.  Shewas so undersanding. Well this is just a glimpse of how I have been treated and this was just 1 year.  They have been 10 times worse than that  So why to they bother.  I think my stepmother wants be out of the picture and just can't say it because of my brother. So she tries to pretend. 
 
December 10, 2007, 5:49 am CST

Jealously

Quote From: michiyamo

I have been gullible for  years.  I complain about he unfairness they get mat and play a guilt trip and  I give in. They are not fair.  When I found out I was pregnant my stepmom last year said "I am not babysitting"  I love 4 hours away and she loves watchnng my stepsisters grandchildren.  It hurt for her to say that.  I hardly ever expect her watch my children and when she has I usually pay her. My son has gone there before but maybe once a year because when he comes home his is very depressed and irriable because they play emotional games with him.  He does not realize he is being manipulated and his reacion is anger and depression.  So I have limited his visits.  So for her to say that was mean.  She also plans her vacations on my birthdy and has done so for 20 years except for this year she planned their vacation during the birth of my son. They missed he date though I had an emergency c section the day before their vacation so they came down for 1 hour and left and I didn't see them for 1 month.  She went on another vacation after their tripto mexico with her daughter and granddaughter and they kept saying "well we are busy working on the house, etc" and that realy hurt.  My father would not even hold his own grandson. I had to force him to do it.  My brother yelled at them an said "you guys don't even act excited at all"  My mother called me after my brother yelled at her and tried toget me involved and I pretty much stayed out of it  So he sees to some extent how they act.  My brother was the first to come down and help me with Zach after surgery.  My Stepsisters did even come to the hospital or our home.  She called me for1 minute snapped at me because I told her my c section didn't hurt as bad as I had thought and she hung up.  My son was angry at them all.  My stepsister said to me when we finally went up to mom and dad's house that it was about time I took the baby up to their house so she could see the baby.  I could not believe it. I had 2 surgeries and was very ill with kidney problems and could not travel for months.  Shewas so undersanding. Well this is just a glimpse of how I have been treated and this was just 1 year.  They have been 10 times worse than that  So why to they bother.  I think my stepmother wants be out of the picture and just can't say it because of my brother. So she tries to pretend. 

I dont have alot of time to write this morning..I have alot of things to do...All I can say to this is, Jealously...no matter how u look at it...she is just jealous of you and what you stand for...I see this in my mother as well..Its a shame, it really is!!!....Family is about getting together and celebrating the joy of livliness with each other...and being there for each other...I think Dr.Phil or Robin, should have a show on just that..."Bringing Families Together""What Does It Mean To You"...or Just throw us all in his Dr. Phil house and monitor it, so someone outside the family can actually see and give some advice on how to and why?.....

Just be yourself, live each day like there is no tomorrow...I stay clear of the Drama, as it hurts to bad...I know Im better then that...

Have a good day...Be back tonight

God Bless!!

 
December 15, 2007, 11:49 pm CST

Never appreciated !

To mom , i always come last , like if my other sister or brother are in town she just drops me and start criticising and attacking me more infront of them . I have been always successful in everything i do , whenever i excel in something they want me to leave it  and give me such a hard time about it . I am always the only problem in the family , if the house is all in a mess , they would only pick My messy stuff and ignore the rest . When i come home from work i hardly get a Hi back from mom , but for the others she welcomes them and prepare dinner for them . It has been always this way . The thing is that i had my dad on my side supporting me and giving me the affection and love i need , unfortunately he died 6 years ago and i've been struggling since then . They are never proud of me , altough i have made a lot of achievments in my life , i've been always an athlet and participated in many champions for different games and always got golden medals so fast . They do not appreciate that i am independant and my life style is so different and out of normal and that i am not a typical normal girl . I am strong  and try to move on in my life and not let them bother me or stop me but the cut in my heart is getting deeper every day and i no longer feel the mother daughter relation .

 
December 17, 2007, 12:27 pm CST

Narcissistic

Quote From: tahani26

To mom , i always come last , like if my other sister or brother are in town she just drops me and start criticising and attacking me more infront of them . I have been always successful in everything i do , whenever i excel in something they want me to leave it  and give me such a hard time about it . I am always the only problem in the family , if the house is all in a mess , they would only pick My messy stuff and ignore the rest . When i come home from work i hardly get a Hi back from mom , but for the others she welcomes them and prepare dinner for them . It has been always this way . The thing is that i had my dad on my side supporting me and giving me the affection and love i need , unfortunately he died 6 years ago and i've been struggling since then . They are never proud of me , altough i have made a lot of achievments in my life , i've been always an athlet and participated in many champions for different games and always got golden medals so fast . They do not appreciate that i am independant and my life style is so different and out of normal and that i am not a typical normal girl . I am strong  and try to move on in my life and not let them bother me or stop me but the cut in my heart is getting deeper every day and i no longer feel the mother daughter relation .

Narcissistic people can't appreciate other people's talents.  Instead the are overcome with anxiety about how inept they are and so deny other people with talent compliments.  Instead they become jealous and criticize anyone who would have any talent.  I have a stepmother who is pathologically narcissistic and she is very threatened by my intelligence.  She told me so.  So she would just negate my scholarly efforts by comparing my stepsister with me.  Now my stepsister won't speak with me at all.  If it hurts too much to be around your mother then you need to protect yourself.  I had to the same. I actually feel relieved that I don't have to go around her and my father.  All they ever do is make me feel bad.  I am grieving the loss of my parents by accepting that they are too narcissistic to be loving and compashionate parents and am moving on with my life.  I think therapy will help you realize this yourself too.  Good luck
 
December 19, 2007, 7:49 am CST

Black sheep

Hello,

           I am 32 and have been gone though this my whole life!! I am the only child of my mom and dad!! They were separted when I was 4. Mom remarried and had 3 more kids with step dad. I go though life with them talking to me then ,not for months or years. I have 2 kids 11 and 13. they dont even bother with them. Now its almost Christmas and, another  year of missing out with them!! How can I stop feeling hurt?? What should I do??

 
December 21, 2007, 1:20 am CST

Ive been treated differently

I go to a non denominatioanl church.  My inlaws are LDS  Mormon etc?

because he married out side of what his parents wanted him to do, they cast me out instantly.

It kills me inside to the pont of just wanting to die.

 
December 21, 2007, 3:13 pm CST

empower yourself

Quote From: t63toomey

Hello,

           I am 32 and have been gone though this my whole life!! I am the only child of my mom and dad!! They were separted when I was 4. Mom remarried and had 3 more kids with step dad. I go though life with them talking to me then ,not for months or years. I have 2 kids 11 and 13. they dont even bother with them. Now its almost Christmas and, another  year of missing out with them!! How can I stop feeling hurt?? What should I do??

Find the friends and loved you have and hold them close. Worry less about what your family should be doing for you and do something for your family. My husbands family treats him the same way. The relationship we share with them is dependent on their moods and their mothers mood. So we took back the power we gave them. We stayed close to the family and friends who love and appreciate us. We didn't give them the option to hurt us. Instead we stopped waiting for them and then reply , we made the first move.For instance, maybe they wouldn't invite us over for christmas, instead we planned out what we would do with other people or just with our little family. Started making our own traditions and reaching out to other family and friends and even reaching out to them first, giving them the option when we felt strong enough to deal with rejection if it was given. We decided it was more important what we could do for our family than what they should be doing to be a part of our family. Noticed i said our family, not theirs! Maybe it's all a change in the way we look at things. Of course it takes time and it's never just simple and easy, dealing with all this stuff. But start now, start moving on with the good things going in your life and make some good memories!
 
December 21, 2007, 3:33 pm CST

your family first!

Quote From: rwall71

I go to a non denominatioanl church.  My inlaws are LDS  Mormon etc?

because he married out side of what his parents wanted him to do, they cast me out instantly.

It kills me inside to the pont of just wanting to die.

Seriously that is very sad to hear about. I hate hearing about family members or people in general being mistreated because of difference in religion. If in fact these people understood at all what they believed they wouldn't mistreat you or your husband because of a difference in opinion on religioin. At the same time i don't fully know the whole story. Talk with your husband, you both need to be on the same page about this and how to deal with it.  As far as your in laws, they obviosly don't know that different religion dosen't mean evil outsider! Be patient with their lack of understanding , i'm sure they're good people. Don't wait around for them to get it though. You've got to deal with how you feel! I'm reading toxic in laws by susan forward, it has been extremly helpful with learning how do deal with difficult situations for me. My advice, time is your friend, take time to think about how to deal with it, how you feel , etc...good luck and i hope you can start feeling better about this! Put you and your husband first!

 
December 21, 2007, 3:57 pm CST

Me too

Quote From: t63toomey

Hello,

           I am 32 and have been gone though this my whole life!! I am the only child of my mom and dad!! They were separted when I was 4. Mom remarried and had 3 more kids with step dad. I go though life with them talking to me then ,not for months or years. I have 2 kids 11 and 13. they dont even bother with them. Now its almost Christmas and, another  year of missing out with them!! How can I stop feeling hurt?? What should I do??

My parents divorced when I was 14 from a very bitter divorce.  So bad that they can't even mention each other's names after25 years.  My mother is schizophrenic and is violent.  I quit talking to her along time ago.  My father remarried a woman whose motto and she has told me that "her daughterscome first over everyone one.  She is very unfair with me and my children.  I fnally told them how I feel and the whole family was dragged into it and they have not spoken to me since.  I am 41 and just had a baby and have a 16 year old.  My 16 year old has been upset when he goes to their house because my stepmom buys her grandchlldren stuff all of thetime and leaves him out.  I try to tell her it hurts me and him and she told me it was not by business what she does for her daughters.  So I told her she is the reason I won't be visitng them anymore because I can't tolerate that kind of unfairness.  I told her she has wanted me out of the picture for a long time and she got her wish for Christmas.  I have not spoken to them since. It is hard and I am depressed because I am grieving the loss of my parents.  But I can't tolerate her bad behavior at the expense of my childrens' feelings.   I think allowing yourelf to feel sad is appropriate and I don't beleve you ever stop feeling hurt and abandoned. I would write your feelings out make new traditions that change your perspective of the holidays.  Next year we are going on vacation and will bedoing this until the kids are grown.  It is te only way to get rid of the sadness of not having extended families. 
 
December 21, 2007, 4:08 pm CST

ex mormom

Quote From: jdavid

Seriously that is very sad to hear about. I hate hearing about family members or people in general being mistreated because of difference in religion. If in fact these people understood at all what they believed they wouldn't mistreat you or your husband because of a difference in opinion on religioin. At the same time i don't fully know the whole story. Talk with your husband, you both need to be on the same page about this and how to deal with it.  As far as your in laws, they obviosly don't know that different religion dosen't mean evil outsider! Be patient with their lack of understanding , i'm sure they're good people. Don't wait around for them to get it though. You've got to deal with how you feel! I'm reading toxic in laws by susan forward, it has been extremly helpful with learning how do deal with difficult situations for me. My advice, time is your friend, take time to think about how to deal with it, how you feel , etc...good luck and i hope you can start feeling better about this! Put you and your husband first!

I know exactly what you mean by mormon bad behavior. They tout this loving thy neighbor but when you don't go along with what the bishop wants aka god you are shunned by them and all of your mormon friends stop visiting.  It is the most judgemental religion.  I quit going after the bishop told me I could not open a business and work.  I told him it was non of his business.  And I never went back.  No religion has the right to oppress women.  It is archaic the way they look at women.  Another mother in my ward who had a master's degree just like me was chastised by this same bishop.  She told him off and she got the raised eyebrow from her brotheren.  I thought Christmas was about empathy, compassion,and understanding.  So much for the Mormon faith.  The only way to deal with a mormon famiy is either join their cult or sit out.  Sad but true.  YOU are not going to change their way of thinking.  It is imbedded in them.  So if you don't want to become a mormon then you and your family has to deal with their judgemental nature. 
 
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