Topic : Black Sheep of the Family?

i am the black sheep of my family and i understand why it isso, its the way my life was ment to be, as we all have lessons to learn and of course how do you learn if you are not tested. it was my parents that created my position within our family. understanding my parents emotional decay is and was the first lesson, not that it made my position within the family any easier because it didn't change their behaviour 

understanding however did change mine.

Hi.  You don't mention how old you are.  Are you still living at home w/ your family?  When there's difficult family dynamics, and you're a minor, it's so hard.  When I was a child, I felt so trapped.  Well, a child is kinda trapped because you depend on your parents and do have to live there with a family w/ unhealthy dynamics and a child is nearly powerless to change it.  And it's right in your face everyday.  Also, if you've been raised w/ unhealthy examples, it's all you know and it's hard to know HOW to do better & act better sometimes.

Here is my advice to you:  This, too, shall pass.  You will not forever be trapped living w/ your family, dependent on them, lives so intertwined.  You will grow into adulthood and forge your own life.  YOU will find your own way in life.  Then as you move forward, your 'birth family" (for lack of better word, because once you marry & have kids you will then have your own family) will have less power, less impact.  There may be a pain and mourning for what could've / should've been; but you will gain some perspective with time and distance.  You will learn that the power in your life comes from your own choices.

That is why it is SO important to keep your own nose clean.  It is YOUR life and you must live it for you.  Not living in reaction to your parents' dynamics.  You choose decisions that will help YOU in life, toward moving forward to make a good, decent, honest life for yourself.  My heart sank when I read "I'm being defined", because YOU define YOU.  If you make life choices reactionary to dysfunctional input from your family, then your choices will be dysfunctional and your own life will, in result, be dysfunctional.  "Success is the best revenge".  Especially if you're concerned your mother is negatively labeling you to others as well.  Keep your own nose clean. 

If you stay on the right course and become self-suffficient at 18, 19, or 20...let's say you live to be 80 years old - that's 20 yrs w/ your parents, **60** years NOT living w/ them.  Do you see my point?  That's why you must make decisions that will suit YOUR future. 

If you are an adult, then my advice is it's time to get out on your own if you're not already and move forward w/ your life. 

Don't get me wrong, the pain is real, and it's deep; to feel like you're not good enough (but a sibling is) and nobody seems to care and there's nothing you can do to change it.  But don't let that pain cripple you.  Let it the example of what NOT to do motivate you to move forward, forge healthier relationships in your own life,  and be a better mother to your own children when the time comes.

I'll start to say thad I am from Holland, so don't look at the writing, I' ll do my very best.

I am broth up very servere, my oldest brother (18 month older) could allways do more. He took girfriends home, I did not even may look at boys. His girlfriends where allways better then me, because they did the dishes after dinner... My mother trusted him with girls, but she did not trust me with boys.

My mother always thought she know everyting better, she still does. She wants all the attention. When I was a jong girl, i sometimes came home from school with a headache, but then she sed, she had a headache all week and had to go on to...

Ik found a boyfriend, but it took some trouble before he may take me out. He was olther and my mother juget him, he could have been married and have childeren... so what?
I finaly married this man. He was a good man, to the outside... after I started to do more things outside for myself, work at kindergarden help on school and that kind of things, he started to mentely abuse me.

He was allways telling me what to do in the house. For exemple, when i had done cleaning the whole house, but did not  do the iron, he asked me when I would do the iron or swept the floor when he came home, while I alreddy did that, but he assumped thad I hadn't done anything.

Its to much to write down what happend. He wanted me to work more, but do also the housekeeping 100% and take care of the childeren, but when he came home from work, he was tiered...

So after a long time of talking with vriends i wanted a divorce. Because he did not want to be the bad gay, he told my family I cheated on him. And becuase they could not believe he was such a *&*&*&, they believed him, because I chased after boys when I was 16... yes, witch teenage girl does not???!!

I tried to talk to my family, but they want me to do everyting theire way, but I found in the meen time a goed friend where I could go to (and still live with) and that was not theire choice, so they dropt me.

After 5 years, where in my mother frequently wrote to me how bad I was, and she wrote me how I had to do it and I had to change..., my junger brother, who was also divorced, but had talked about it with the family, so he is better.... he contacted me thad he wanted to meet me again and he was going to get remarried with a other woman, who is 10 years older than him, and he wanded me to be there.

So I had a meeting with him and later with my mother and then I thouged everything was ok again. But everithime I did something they did not approve, I was in trouble. I lived my own live for 5 years without them, but now they wanted me to do everything theire way. My oldest brother still blames me that I never talked to him when I was in my marriage with my ex. He thinks thad he could have helped to talk to my ex. But that would have made it much wurse for me. And when I try to explane how it was, I must not talk that bad about my ex...confusing...

With Christmas and new year, we (my friend and I) where sick, we had a flue. But my friend had to work between Christmas and new year, so he did not rest enough and so he got very sick. Becouse of this, I did not go to my mother on the holly days and I did not call her. She never calls me about anything, not even to ask how things go, its just family tradition that the kids call mom. (my dad past away 8 years ago and I still miss him very mutch) . Two months after that, I got an e-mail from my oldest brother. He wanted to brake the contact again, because my mother was so sad thad I didn't come or call at christmas or newyearsday.

I think she could have pikt up the phone to call me and just ask if someting was wrong and that she missed me. But now, she had to act pitiful to get attantion from my brothers and sisters in law. ' What had she done wrong now and how could I do this to her? I wrote her a letter resently about what I feel and felt all my life. So now she can even more feel pitiful with herself.

I haven't hear from my family sinds. It hurts and makes me cry a lot, but I will not bow down again for them.

If they don't take me as I am and want me to do thinks they see it, I can not go to talk to them.  I 'll wait for them to see that. I dont want to follow family proceeding, I live my life I feel happy by.

I am a adult, not the child ore little sister. I make my own choices. I don't want to be kickt around no more.

I let them be in there small world.... and live on in myn.

I am now 40 yrs old and the youngest of 4. When I was 13 my parents let me date. My mother never discussed birth control or sex with me. At 15 I became pregnant and they insisted I marry. At 17 I divorced and my parents disowned me for 8 weeks. I moved in with another man because I had no family support and no where to go. After 2 yrs I remarried and had another child. I was with this man a total of 17 yrs. and it was hell. He was abusive, he cheated several times, he would disapear for 3-5 days at a time and then while I went to nursing school, he got into drugs. My parents would always turn on me when I would try to leave saying I needed to stay because of the children. Finally my parents agreed to let me leave him after they learned about his drug addiction and they let me stay with them. I finished school and got my own place and my 2nd son lived with me and my oldest son lived on his own by this time. I met a new man finally and he was very good to me. He began right away asking to move in with me. After discussing it with my son I let him move in. At the time I was having all kinds of complications with birth control and my doctor suggested I stop taking birth control and use other methods. This new man in my life being 44 and had been married twice before also, told me he was sterile and could not have kids. So I went off birth control. 2 months later, I was pregnant again and at 37yrs of age so he either lied or was mistaken about being sterile. My parents, again, insisted I marry and so I did. I knew I was not "in love" with this man but I did care for him and thought I could grow in love with him and make it work. After 2 yrs I just could not pretend any longer. Knowing my family would once again turn against me if I left him, I began looking for a "way out". I began talking to a man online. The more time we spent talking the more I realised I had to meet him. So, we met and I have been madly in love with him every since. We made arrangements for us to be together. Of course this meant  leaving my husband which I only married in the first place to keep my family happy. I have lived my entire life doing what my parents thought was best for my situations. They were wrong. Had I had their support when I needed them I would have been more able to make better decisions. But now because I divorced against their will, my entire family except for my children, want nothing to do with me and havent had for 8 months. However they invite my x husband for dinners and family reunions and I am not invited or welcome. I live 6 miles from them. My father has been very ill and in and out of the hospital. He is 73 and I fear he is dieing. My family will not allow me to see him. They say if I show up at the hospital I will be thrown out. My 2 oldest children did not like or get along with my x husband and that was a big problem for me. They would not come around and I would not hear from them because of this. And my x husband did not like them either. My boyfriend that I have now, loves them and they love him. They are glad that I left my x and do not want me to go back to him. My youngest child who is almost 5, has also adapted very well. I have more quality time with him now then ever before. I am very happy with my boyfriend, happier then ever before. He and I have so much fun together and I am truely in love with him and that is something I have never been able to say before about another. He is the love of my life. My family has made it clear, they want me to go back to my x or they will have nothing to do with me. I may be a total waste of space, and I am far from perfect, but I am happy, my children are happy, and I dont want to go back to my x. My parents say they cannot accept what I have done to "THEM" by getting this divorce. They tell me they will not go through another man with me and that they will never except anyone I am with. I have called my mother several times trying to fix this and she will not have it unless I go back to my x. My own children have been into heated arguments with my parents saying they are wrong. My parents are the type that if they are mad at you, everyone better be or you will be disowned as well. My parents now have shunned my 2 oldest sons because they will not turn against me and disown me as the others have done. I am so very close to my children and now finally I can spend more time with them and this makes them happy. But I feel my parents are going to go to their graves disowning me. My brother has already been told by my mother that I am not allowed to come to her funeral unless I am alone. I just dont understand that. Why dont my parents want me to be happy? What can I or should I do? I feel my only options are go back to my x where I will be miserable and it will make my children unhappy, yet I will get my parents and siblings back, or stay where I and my children are happy and lose my parents and siblings. I have family that have interacial relationships, they are accpeted, family that is homosexual, they are accepted, family that has been imprisoned for attempted murder, they are all accepted and supported, but me, I get a divorce, and I am disowned. I do not understand. I have never been on drugs or alcohol, or been in trouble with the law. I am the only one of my family to graduate college or even attend a college for that matter. I want my family back without the conditional love.

My parents are stable (conservative) members of society (being married for years, attending the same church, working steady jobs) and my two younger brothers are both self-sufficient and married.  I'm the oldest, and left behind.  I had a severe eating disorder in high school and then one semester into college after pulling perfect grades I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. That was over ten years ago. I've since then worked and been relatively independent, only to suffer increasing job loss in recent years. 

I live with my parents and I am pregnant with my first child. I've been abused in relationships, the latest one leaving me with loads of debt, corrupting my credit. I've been on and off medications and in and out of the state mental hospital. Last year I attempted my life.  I am very depressed usually. I don't see how anything is ever going to change. My parents insist that christianity is going to solve everything. My brothers talk down to me like I'm a child. One (a millitary sargent) doesn't express any interest in speaking to me beyond "hello, how are you". I'm supposedly the only one in my family with "problems". They talk about me to eachother, but they don't express genuine interest in trying to get to know me. Likewise my extended family acts the same way.  I don't want to even see the therapists anymore even if I am depressed because I'm tired of being labeled and categorized and stigmatized by my family and the rest of society. 

As a child, and my mom enabled my dad by making excuses for his angry outbursts/constant threat of violence/fear. The irony was only compounded by an insistence upon strict adherence to religious beliefs. Nobody talks about it. I have an absent relationship with my dad and my mom nitpicks me daily. My parents' codependent needs have reinforced my self-belief of failure. I no longer believe I have what it takes to succeed in life.  I don't believe I can hold a job without getting fired for some reason. I am going to be dependent upon my boyfriend's income to support me and my child. I feel helpless and lost. I am often depressed, sad and angry.  I want life to change, but am bewildered and overwhelmed.

I did not grow up in a vacuum and despite my mistakes it is unfair to single me out as the family scapegoat.

Unfair or not, life is cruel and people believe lies. People who try to be authentic in spite of established norms usually suffer some kind of loss.  In the end I guess, those losses are worth it.