Message Boards

Topic : Black Sheep of the Family?

Number of Replies: 213
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Sunday, September 17, 2006, 11:44:09 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Are you the outcast in your family, the one NO one wants to talk about or even acknowledge? What makes you different or unique, and how does it affect others in your family? Share your story here.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

March 4, 2008, 3:07 pm CST

black sheep

i am the black sheep of my family and i understand why it isso, its the way my life was ment to be, as we all have lessons to learn and of course how do you learn if you are not tested. it was my parents that created my position within our family. understanding my parents emotional decay is and was the first lesson, not that it made my position within the family any easier because it didn't change their behaviour 

understanding however did change mine.

 
March 5, 2008, 8:20 am CST

BlackSeep of the family

i have always been the black sheep,for some reason my sister always got the attenetion from my parents...and till this day,,she has used both of them alot and they still let her come right back...which is the strange thing..i have never asked them for any thing...my dad has not talked in 20 years,we talked 2 weeks ago and he is already lieing to me...my mom is in a church which i think is a cult,and she just does not want to ever talk about any thing that happened....but it has taught me alot..i do not depend on my parents for any thing...and i will keep it that way......and i just see them for the parents they are.and i love them but are very disappointed in their attentions.....
 
April 7, 2008, 3:23 am CDT

Definitely The Black Sheet

I am the blacksheep in my family. I was brought up with just my mum. She got re married when i was 13 and since then she gave birth to her second child. Ever since this happened i have been the odd one out. I dont like what my step dad, sister and mum like, i act, dress, do things different and i get treated badly because if it. I dont like the fact that i get kicked aside since my mum got re married and i do really hate the fact that she has her family now and because i am the only thing linking her to the past that im not good enough to be a family member.I get called the "other child" or "the half sister" and im sick of it. It doesnt go away and im getting defined as this which is making my life very difficult.
 
April 8, 2008, 5:39 pm CDT

I hope this helps

Quote From: k1tty4

I am the blacksheep in my family. I was brought up with just my mum. She got re married when i was 13 and since then she gave birth to her second child. Ever since this happened i have been the odd one out. I dont like what my step dad, sister and mum like, i act, dress, do things different and i get treated badly because if it. I dont like the fact that i get kicked aside since my mum got re married and i do really hate the fact that she has her family now and because i am the only thing linking her to the past that im not good enough to be a family member.I get called the "other child" or "the half sister" and im sick of it. It doesnt go away and im getting defined as this which is making my life very difficult.

Hi.  You don't mention how old you are.  Are you still living at home w/ your family?  When there's difficult family dynamics, and you're a minor, it's so hard.  When I was a child, I felt so trapped.  Well, a child is kinda trapped because you depend on your parents and do have to live there with a family w/ unhealthy dynamics and a child is nearly powerless to change it.  And it's right in your face everyday.  Also, if you've been raised w/ unhealthy examples, it's all you know and it's hard to know HOW to do better & act better sometimes.

Here is my advice to you:  This, too, shall pass.  You will not forever be trapped living w/ your family, dependent on them, lives so intertwined.  You will grow into adulthood and forge your own life.  YOU will find your own way in life.  Then as you move forward, your 'birth family" (for lack of better word, because once you marry & have kids you will then have your own family) will have less power, less impact.  There may be a pain and mourning for what could've / should've been; but you will gain some perspective with time and distance.  You will learn that the power in your life comes from your own choices.

That is why it is SO important to keep your own nose clean.  It is YOUR life and you must live it for you.  Not living in reaction to your parents' dynamics.  You choose decisions that will help YOU in life, toward moving forward to make a good, decent, honest life for yourself.  My heart sank when I read "I'm being defined", because YOU define YOU.  If you make life choices reactionary to dysfunctional input from your family, then your choices will be dysfunctional and your own life will, in result, be dysfunctional.  "Success is the best revenge".  Especially if you're concerned your mother is negatively labeling you to others as well.  Keep your own nose clean. 

If you stay on the right course and become self-suffficient at 18, 19, or 20...let's say you live to be 80 years old - that's 20 yrs w/ your parents, **60** years NOT living w/ them.  Do you see my point?  That's why you must make decisions that will suit YOUR future. 

If you are an adult, then my advice is it's time to get out on your own if you're not already and move forward w/ your life. 

Don't get me wrong, the pain is real, and it's deep; to feel like you're not good enough (but a sibling is) and nobody seems to care and there's nothing you can do to change it.  But don't let that pain cripple you.  Let it the example of what NOT to do motivate you to move forward, forge healthier relationships in your own life,  and be a better mother to your own children when the time comes.

 
April 8, 2008, 10:42 pm CDT

kicked out of the family

I'll start to say thad I am from Holland, so don't look at the writing, I' ll do my very best.

 

I am broth up very servere, my oldest brother (18 month older) could allways do more. He took girfriends home, I did not even may look at boys. His girlfriends where allways better then me, because they did the dishes after dinner... My mother trusted him with girls, but she did not trust me with boys.

My mother always thought she know everyting better, she still does. She wants all the attention. When I was a jong girl, i sometimes came home from school with a headache, but then she sed, she had a headache all week and had to go on to...

Ik found a boyfriend, but it took some trouble before he may take me out. He was olther and my mother juget him, he could have been married and have childeren... so what?
I finaly married this man. He was a good man, to the outside... after I started to do more things outside for myself, work at kindergarden help on school and that kind of things, he started to mentely abuse me.

He was allways telling me what to do in the house. For exemple, when i had done cleaning the whole house, but did not  do the iron, he asked me when I would do the iron or swept the floor when he came home, while I alreddy did that, but he assumped thad I hadn't done anything.

Its to much to write down what happend. He wanted me to work more, but do also the housekeeping 100% and take care of the childeren, but when he came home from work, he was tiered...

So after a long time of talking with vriends i wanted a divorce. Because he did not want to be the bad gay, he told my family I cheated on him. And becuase they could not believe he was such a *&*&*&, they believed him, because I chased after boys when I was 16... yes, witch teenage girl does not???!!

I tried to talk to my family, but they want me to do everyting theire way, but I found in the meen time a goed friend where I could go to (and still live with) and that was not theire choice, so they dropt me.

After 5 years, where in my mother frequently wrote to me how bad I was, and she wrote me how I had to do it and I had to change..., my junger brother, who was also divorced, but had talked about it with the family, so he is better.... he contacted me thad he wanted to meet me again and he was going to get remarried with a other woman, who is 10 years older than him, and he wanded me to be there.

So I had a meeting with him and later with my mother and then I thouged everything was ok again. But everithime I did something they did not approve, I was in trouble. I lived my own live for 5 years without them, but now they wanted me to do everything theire way. My oldest brother still blames me that I never talked to him when I was in my marriage with my ex. He thinks thad he could have helped to talk to my ex. But that would have made it much wurse for me. And when I try to explane how it was, I must not talk that bad about my ex...confusing...

With Christmas and new year, we (my friend and I) where sick, we had a flue. But my friend had to work between Christmas and new year, so he did not rest enough and so he got very sick. Becouse of this, I did not go to my mother on the holly days and I did not call her. She never calls me about anything, not even to ask how things go, its just family tradition that the kids call mom. (my dad past away 8 years ago and I still miss him very mutch) . Two months after that, I got an e-mail from my oldest brother. He wanted to brake the contact again, because my mother was so sad thad I didn't come or call at christmas or newyearsday.

I think she could have pikt up the phone to call me and just ask if someting was wrong and that she missed me. But now, she had to act pitiful to get attantion from my brothers and sisters in law. ' What had she done wrong now and how could I do this to her? I wrote her a letter resently about what I feel and felt all my life. So now she can even more feel pitiful with herself.

I haven't hear from my family sinds. It hurts and makes me cry a lot, but I will not bow down again for them.

If they don't take me as I am and want me to do thinks they see it, I can not go to talk to them.  I 'll wait for them to see that. I dont want to follow family proceeding, I live my life I feel happy by.

I am a adult, not the child ore little sister. I make my own choices. I don't want to be kickt around no more.

I let them be in there small world.... and live on in myn.

 

 

 
May 26, 2008, 8:34 pm CDT

Shunned Father

By the time my wife and I finally divorced in 1995 she'd managed to turn my two sons against me with horrible lies about me.  For years she'd been an icebox,  not wanting to be touched,  I couldn't even kiss her goodnight.  For so many years she'd tell me, "go find it elsewhere" if I even tried to kiss her goodnight.  How long is someone supposed to put up with that?  Counseling did no good,  she wanted Christian counseling and when the first four men counselors didn't agree with her she said it was because they were men and men stick together.  We then found female counselors,  when they didn't agree with her she said it was because I'd paid them off.  There was no winning with this woman.

Her brother used to call her a "Cafeteria Christian",  he'd say,  "she goes through the Bible like it's a food line in a cafeteria,  she takes what she likes and leaves the rest behind".  She told my sons to not listen to me when it came to correcting them for misbehavior,  to come to her only.  She also,  which I found out later,  was telling my sons I was gay because my best friend lived 300 miles south of us and I used to go visit twice a year and go fishing out in the Gulf with him.  Odd she wasn't a lesbian because her female friend came and visited her! 

I eventually did as she said,  "I found it elsewhere",  I was wrong to do that and remain married.  My father was born in 1906,  I came alone late in his life,  so I was raised with old world values.  He taught me that if you make children you take care of them until they are out on their own or can take care of themselves,  so that's why I stayed so many years past when I should have left.  I realize now that was a mistake.  I've not seen or spoken to my sons in nearly 14 years,  I have two grandchildren I'll never get to speak to in my lifetime,  though I've seen a photo of them they'll never know me,  they'll never hear my voice,  nor I theirs.  This isn't life!  If this is what my ex wife considers a victory then I'd hate to be with her when she stands before her maker,  still that isn't enough satisfaction for me to know,  I still want to see my grandchildren,  for them to know about me and me to know about them.  I'm not the monster my ex made me out to be,  I never hit her or did anything to her in all the years we were married. 

She would follow me from room to room with her mouth going 100 mph and wouldn't shut up,  I could never do anything right in her eyes.  One day after she'd followed me from one end of the house to the other for 30 minutes I stopped at a door to the room we were going into,  turned around,  picked her up and set her outside the door and told her,  "you've finally made me understand why some men kill their wives",  then I shut the door in her face and sat on the floor with my back against the door.  For half an hour she kicked the door,  banged on it,  shouted through it,  and cursed me over and over until she wore herself out.  The limit had been reached,  it was over,  I had taken all I could and still remain sane.  I left.  Still nearly 14 years down the road if I am forced to phone her, which has only happened twice,  she screams into the phone and you can hold it at arms length and hear every word she's said.  Where does this kind of anger come from so many years later?  This shouldn't have cost me my children,  nor cost me my grandchildren either.  There's nothing left,  I often wonder what purpose there is left to life.  No I'm not suicidal,  if I were I'd have been gone many years ago,  believe me!  Any ideas,  any hope,  any suggestions,  does anyone know a way around this?

SnowCajun
Spokane Valley, WA
 
June 7, 2008, 12:55 am CDT

Is there something wrong with me? Boy I am really black

My parents and I have ben fighting for almost 14 years, I would like it to stop, but unfortunately I still want some type of relationship with them. I have ben having problems with my parents and this time I think they went too fare.  My Dad was at the  store and my daughter and I were there too.  I haven't ben to their house to see them sense April of 2008. I just have ben depressed and tired. Anyway, my daughter and I stop and talk to my Dad, which was okay till we get outside, then he tells me that he heard from someone that my family and I go to church with that my 10 year old son told them that he can't have friends over because my husband watches porno, when he is home on weekends, I was mad and asked  who told him a lie like that? He said he wouldn't tell me, but sense its true, I am not much of a woman because when you are married sex is a given! My 12 year old heard  every word. I am very hurt, that he would say that in front of my daughter. He also said that he called SRS about it. I have ben visited by SRS at least 5 times in the past two months. I am wondering if they were behind it?  My son  has friends over all the time.  My Dad also said that  he and my mother are upset that I am keeping the kids away from them,  I have never told them that they aren't welcome at my house.  I don't always feel like going anywhere. When I invite them over they won't come over because my husband lives here. Its always about what I have done to them, they never do anything wrong.  My dad also said that he wants me to go back to not talking to them. I told him that that is sad, because this time its his choice. I came home and tried to answer my daughters questions. My daughter went and told my son what happened, he was very upset because he didn't say it.  I don't this is good on my kids. I am used to putting up with their stuff, but think my kids shouldn't have to, and I know from past experience as long as they don't get their way this will continue, but because my cancer can reoccur and I had three different ones in 2006. I worry about my husband having to put up with them if something happens to me. My husband is very loving and caring man we have ben together for almost 14 years.  I wish you could pick your parents the same way you pick your spouse! I know I would be happier. Help Please.
 
June 12, 2008, 7:36 am CDT

My Family Disowned Me

I am now 40 yrs old and the youngest of 4. When I was 13 my parents let me date. My mother never discussed birth control or sex with me. At 15 I became pregnant and they insisted I marry. At 17 I divorced and my parents disowned me for 8 weeks. I moved in with another man because I had no family support and no where to go. After 2 yrs I remarried and had another child. I was with this man a total of 17 yrs. and it was hell. He was abusive, he cheated several times, he would disapear for 3-5 days at a time and then while I went to nursing school, he got into drugs. My parents would always turn on me when I would try to leave saying I needed to stay because of the children. Finally my parents agreed to let me leave him after they learned about his drug addiction and they let me stay with them. I finished school and got my own place and my 2nd son lived with me and my oldest son lived on his own by this time. I met a new man finally and he was very good to me. He began right away asking to move in with me. After discussing it with my son I let him move in. At the time I was having all kinds of complications with birth control and my doctor suggested I stop taking birth control and use other methods. This new man in my life being 44 and had been married twice before also, told me he was sterile and could not have kids. So I went off birth control. 2 months later, I was pregnant again and at 37yrs of age so he either lied or was mistaken about being sterile. My parents, again, insisted I marry and so I did. I knew I was not "in love" with this man but I did care for him and thought I could grow in love with him and make it work. After 2 yrs I just could not pretend any longer. Knowing my family would once again turn against me if I left him, I began looking for a "way out". I began talking to a man online. The more time we spent talking the more I realised I had to meet him. So, we met and I have been madly in love with him every since. We made arrangements for us to be together. Of course this meant  leaving my husband which I only married in the first place to keep my family happy. I have lived my entire life doing what my parents thought was best for my situations. They were wrong. Had I had their support when I needed them I would have been more able to make better decisions. But now because I divorced against their will, my entire family except for my children, want nothing to do with me and havent had for 8 months. However they invite my x husband for dinners and family reunions and I am not invited or welcome. I live 6 miles from them. My father has been very ill and in and out of the hospital. He is 73 and I fear he is dieing. My family will not allow me to see him. They say if I show up at the hospital I will be thrown out. My 2 oldest children did not like or get along with my x husband and that was a big problem for me. They would not come around and I would not hear from them because of this. And my x husband did not like them either. My boyfriend that I have now, loves them and they love him. They are glad that I left my x and do not want me to go back to him. My youngest child who is almost 5, has also adapted very well. I have more quality time with him now then ever before. I am very happy with my boyfriend, happier then ever before. He and I have so much fun together and I am truely in love with him and that is something I have never been able to say before about another. He is the love of my life. My family has made it clear, they want me to go back to my x or they will have nothing to do with me. I may be a total waste of space, and I am far from perfect, but I am happy, my children are happy, and I dont want to go back to my x. My parents say they cannot accept what I have done to "THEM" by getting this divorce. They tell me they will not go through another man with me and that they will never except anyone I am with. I have called my mother several times trying to fix this and she will not have it unless I go back to my x. My own children have been into heated arguments with my parents saying they are wrong. My parents are the type that if they are mad at you, everyone better be or you will be disowned as well. My parents now have shunned my 2 oldest sons because they will not turn against me and disown me as the others have done. I am so very close to my children and now finally I can spend more time with them and this makes them happy. But I feel my parents are going to go to their graves disowning me. My brother has already been told by my mother that I am not allowed to come to her funeral unless I am alone. I just dont understand that. Why dont my parents want me to be happy? What can I or should I do? I feel my only options are go back to my x where I will be miserable and it will make my children unhappy, yet I will get my parents and siblings back, or stay where I and my children are happy and lose my parents and siblings. I have family that have interacial relationships, they are accpeted, family that is homosexual, they are accepted, family that has been imprisoned for attempted murder, they are all accepted and supported, but me, I get a divorce, and I am disowned. I do not understand. I have never been on drugs or alcohol, or been in trouble with the law. I am the only one of my family to graduate college or even attend a college for that matter. I want my family back without the conditional love.

 
July 24, 2008, 12:34 am CDT

and then there's me!

My parents are stable (conservative) members of society (being married for years, attending the same church, working steady jobs) and my two younger brothers are both self-sufficient and married.  I'm the oldest, and left behind.  I had a severe eating disorder in high school and then one semester into college after pulling perfect grades I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. That was over ten years ago. I've since then worked and been relatively independent, only to suffer increasing job loss in recent years. 

 

 

I live with my parents and I am pregnant with my first child. I've been abused in relationships, the latest one leaving me with loads of debt, corrupting my credit. I've been on and off medications and in and out of the state mental hospital. Last year I attempted my life.  I am very depressed usually. I don't see how anything is ever going to change. My parents insist that christianity is going to solve everything. My brothers talk down to me like I'm a child. One (a millitary sargent) doesn't express any interest in speaking to me beyond "hello, how are you". I'm supposedly the only one in my family with "problems". They talk about me to eachother, but they don't express genuine interest in trying to get to know me. Likewise my extended family acts the same way.  I don't want to even see the therapists anymore even if I am depressed because I'm tired of being labeled and categorized and stigmatized by my family and the rest of society. 

 

As a child, and my mom enabled my dad by making excuses for his angry outbursts/constant threat of violence/fear. The irony was only compounded by an insistence upon strict adherence to religious beliefs. Nobody talks about it. I have an absent relationship with my dad and my mom nitpicks me daily. My parents' codependent needs have reinforced my self-belief of failure. I no longer believe I have what it takes to succeed in life.  I don't believe I can hold a job without getting fired for some reason. I am going to be dependent upon my boyfriend's income to support me and my child. I feel helpless and lost. I am often depressed, sad and angry.  I want life to change, but am bewildered and overwhelmed.

 

 

I did not grow up in a vacuum and despite my mistakes it is unfair to single me out as the family scapegoat.

 

Unfair or not, life is cruel and people believe lies. People who try to be authentic in spite of established norms usually suffer some kind of loss.  In the end I guess, those losses are worth it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
July 25, 2008, 5:34 pm CDT

HATE MY FAMILY BLACK SHEEP

I am the black sheep in my family for sure. I am 21 and have many issues with my family. I have an older step sister  37 and younger brother who is 20. MY sister is very sucessful my little brother goes to Yale University and Dad is a lawyer and my mom was to but retired in her 30's. It started from the begining I was adopted in to there family when I was 2 months old and it was found out very soon after I was neglected by my biological parents. By 4 years old I was already in therpy and having problems but I dont remember much, though I even remember at that age going into my mom and dad room in the morning and my dad wouldnt be there because he would have slept at the office for the night. I was very close to my adoptive grandparent until my grandmother died when I was in 3rd grade and grandfather in 8th. In all honesty my life is a blur my dad always spent time with my brother and I have always felt favoritism. The family would go on vacation together every year and then my brother got offered to go to findland and swedan so my mom told me I had to stay here with my dad but I could choose the next FAMILY vacation. I was about 11 or 12 I chose Disney World ofocurse about 2 days before we left my dad said he cant com he is to busy at work but 4 nights a week he would be out watching my brother. When I was 14 years old I get sexually abused at school by a classmate he had told my boyfriend at the time he was goin to do it, I told a teacher whne I was walking home that day and he reported it my mom was upset about it she says but when I ask her till this day why she did nothing about it she said she didnt think it efffected me. BULLS***. About  12 days before my 16th birthday my parent sent me to a residential treatment centre got kicked out of that one and went to a place called Provo Canyons School where the eat your food,look at you nekkid, make fun of you, give you needles even if you are calm. Before this the my issues were all behavior wise no drugs no skipping school or staying out all night or sexual acitivity. Arriving home at 17 to a matress on the floor and hating my family things got worse. My mom wouldnt allow my to go to college I had no friends back in Canada and my family still wouldnt help me and I learned absoultly nothing at the school. I infact got addicted to crack cocaine at 17 years old and ofcourse being raped and abused comes with that. I was held 6 stories off a building by my hands one day and  for 2 years after that day my dad didnt talk to me. I am off of crack I got off of it at 19 somehow I detoxed. My parents have bought me my own condo and pay for everyting ( really great huh). No it sucks I want them. They tell me to forget the passed I feel they should do the same. The biological family goes away for christmas together, they have family reunions and leave me out of all of it. I wasnt a perfect child but hell I dont fit in this family cus I can not do anything rite
 
First | Prev | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | Next | Last