Message Boards

Topic : Black Sheep of the Family?

Number of Replies: 213
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Sunday, September 17, 2006, 11:44:09 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Are you the outcast in your family, the one NO one wants to talk about or even acknowledge? What makes you different or unique, and how does it affect others in your family? Share your story here.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

August 27, 2008, 6:39 am CDT

Black sheep now, even worse...

 My father passed away in January from cancer. I thought for some reason this would bring me, my sister and my mom closer, well just the opposite has happened. I have allway's been the outcast(or black sheep) of the family. My older sister has allway's been the "one" she has the looks and the brains and my parents have given her everything. I have been given a lot as well but she was given more. She got the brand new car after high school, she went away to college she had her entire wedding paid for ect... I got a 1978 car in high school( i went to high school in the 90's) i was told i would not be allowed to go away to school becasue as my mom put it" i am not wasting my money so you can go party" then a week later my father told me "we don't have the money to buy you a car or send you to school" so wich is it? you can't afford it or you won't afford it? I know why, it's because they were using all the money on my sister and there was none left for me. When my father was diagnosed with cancer my wife and i decided that i would leave my job to help my mom take care of my dad. So i put my family on the back burner. I have a 2yr. old son and a 10 year old daughter. I did whatever was asked of me for my dad. I cut his grass took him to dr's appt. to the store ect... i did whatever he asked and never once complained about it! My sister on the other hand did nothing! even telling my mom she would not help her and to "not count on me to help you, i am too busy" I will cut this short, my mother pay's no attention to my son! none zero! never ask's how he is or bring him to see me, nothing! but my sister's kids are her pride and joy and she goes above and beyond to see and help them! there is so much more to this but i don't have enough time to tell it all. I just wanted to share a part of my story on being the black sheep
 
August 29, 2008, 2:38 pm CDT

Adopted Child - Reunited & Disowned!

I have a rather strange story but I'll try to make it short. I was adopted at the age of 11 mths. My birth mother and father did not stay together and my father married the woman he is still married to only 2 weeks after I was born. I am 47 yrs. old this year.

 

At the age of 30, after being married and having two beautiful sons of my own, my curiosity got to me. I signed up to do a search for my birth mother. Low and behold, I found her. I went to meet her and things seem to go alright. She told me who my Father was so I looked him up. He and his family were ecstatic! They were Jehovah Witnesses and had always been open about talking to their children etc. about me. They came to meet me and my family and everything was great. We spent the next 5 years getting to know each other's families. We had some really good times.

 

Then it happened! I filed for divorce from my husband due to marital breakdown. Now you can tell the difference as to "who I called DAD". When I called my adoptive Dad and told him, he was genuine, supportive, and listened to everything I had to say. He was awesome and definitely the wonderful man who raised me (God rest his soul as he passed at the age of 80). My birth father on the other hand, I called him and his first words were, "What did you do to him?" Then I was told to apologize and grow up! At that point I'm thinking, gee what part of I don't love him do you not understand? Apparently that doesn't matter as you will see down below.

 

I shrugged it off and went about my life. My birth father's family and my ex-husband chose to try and rub it in my face by having my ex-husband and our sons visit them on a regular basis... I had been disowned and was not spoken to. Thank goodness for confidence and independance cause I figured they were just nuts and it was their loss. Anyway, 12 years later, I live across the bridge from my birth father and have no contact with him or my half brother and sister.

 

Here is the best part! I have another blood brother who is just 14 mths younger than me... My birth father had a fight with his pregnant wife (7 mths), went out and met up with my birth mother one night, she got pregnant again! My brother was given up for adoption too at the same time I was. She left me in a foster home for over a year. Anyway, I'm the black sheep because I got divorced and that's just not acceptable but my father can have 3 kids in 14 months by two different women and cheat on his wife and that's ok... Hmmm, gotta wonder what the world is coming to.

 

Another little tidbit.... My blood brother grew up 3 blocks from his birth father, played in his house with his half sister and brother, and none of them knew it until I introduced them all... Life is funny isn't it?

 
September 3, 2008, 9:18 pm CDT

letter to my father should i send it or not?

Dad-

Sometimes I think about you, Wonder if you're out there somewhere thinking bout me
And would you even recognize The woman that your little girl has grown up to be!
Cause I look in the mirror and all I see Are your brown eyes lookin back at me They're the only thing you ever gave to me at all
I think about how it aint fair You weren't around to cheer me on

Did you think I didn't need you here To hold my hand, To dry my tears, Did you even miss me through the years at all?


I think about how it aint fair That you weren't there to see me off on my first day of school Like fathers do, or there when I woke up from surgery like fathers are supposed to do. You weren’t there when I turned 16 or when I was learning to drive. You never had to come to the school to pick me up when I was in trouble and got kicked out. You’ve never meet one of my dates at the front door when I was getting ready and tried to scare him off or make him scared. You never got to see me off to my prom. You weren’t there the night I tried to run away from my problems. You weren’t there When I was sad and needed someone to talk to, No I had to pick up the phone to talk to you because you were to far away. And how come you rarely visited me, after I joined ffa you could have come and watched me show like fathers do. But I guess you were to busy. I guess I… understand how its easer to go spend may a week in south Dakota but its harder to come watch your daughter win many ribbons and trophies at the fair. You weren’t around when I won state camp in round robin. I was the best in the state of Washington! And you weren’t there once again!

Dad I don’t mean to bring up the past but ever scents that one summer and even the summers before that I have felt that you don’t even know me for me! I also feel that I have put more into this relationship then you have. Im sorry but its way past time. You don’t know your daughter and I don’t know my father.

Its also not fair how you baby my sister but beat me up with either words or even…. Face it you and your family love my sister more then me! You may think that’s harsh but Its has been this was for 20 years! 20 years too long. If you go to Dixie’s try to find a picture of me! Here’s a clue you wont find one. Do you know what I like to do in my spar time? No you don’t! its funny I don’t know who, im more mad at you, for treating me like this or at my self for putting up with it for all these years!

I wish I had the guts to write this a long time ago but its never too later to tell you how I feel.

Did you even know I learned to love construction because its what you did. I took up trap shooting to make you happy! I have tried so hard to get you to like me or even love me I so badly wanted to have what you and my sister have. but as the years went on I learned that no mater how hard I tried you would always have my sister as your favorite. Now its time you know I feel. I am not mad just more disappointed. I only have one father on this earth and most days it feels like I don’t have one.

Im sorry this must come as a suprize. Because you don’t know the real me But you need to know how I feel. You didn’t know this but after that summer I sat up many night wandering if I should let you back into my life or not. I want you in my life but it feels like your not in my life. Forgiveness is such a simple word But it's so hard to do when you've been hurt And I hate to say this but I feel that its not going to get better the damage has already been done. Im not sure how much help or problem this letter is going to cause but its past due. Please know I will always love you as my father.

But how can I love some one who lies to me, you cant have a good relationship when the base of it is lies. You have told me many long ended tails before and they have gotten old, why did you think that telling me stories and down our right lies wouldn’t hurt me? Face it We lead two different life’s I’m not your littler girl any more and never was I have grown up with out you and I’m moving on. And I know how much you want me to move to Wyoming so I will get way from my mother, right? Of Corse I am right that the only reason you would take me in the summers and every other holiday, to make my mother mad! All you care about is your self! but I’m happy here and I may of said that I’ve wanted to move there but I only said that you keep you happy. But the truth is I’ve seen the world and I love living here in my home town. With people who love me a friends I can count on.

So sorry to disappoint you again! but now you know who I am and how I feel.

Sorry it took 20 years to tell you. But I have wondered what the next 20 years have in store for us, I hope it’s a better 20 years! But like the past 20 years I have learned to know count on much for you.

 
September 8, 2008, 12:38 pm CDT

i have nothing in common with my family

I am 16 and my family is all involved somehow in the Fire Dept. or the First Aid Squad. This includes my 18 year old sister, who actually is secretary of the First Aid, my grandmother is the ring leader of it all, and my grandpa (who is no deceased), built the building and it is now dedicated to him. Now this is all on my mother's side of the family.

 

They continue to harass me about joining the squad, and find me the dd ball out because I share no interest in doing this. When my family is together, all they talk about is what call they got that day, how crazy some guy was, how they had to do CPR on another. Its frankly, all they know. They are not capable of communicating any other way. Its hard to even speak to my family, because I don't know what they are talking about, and I have nothing to add. I have a bad relationship with my grandmother, in my opinion. I don't feel close to her at all because its impossible to talk to her and I don't see her because she spends all of her time riding and out on the ambulance. I am extremley distant from most of my cousin. He is from New York and is staying for college here, but he too is involved and I never see him either. My family is locked up in that building. But the worst part to me is that my mother and I don't get along and I can not talk to her at all, because my father and I agree, its all she knows.

 

Now, on my father's side of the family, they are obsessed with weight. Let me just say, more then half of them are overweight. My Aunt and my cousin both got the Lap Band and lost weight. So have I and the majority of my family. I haven't lost the wieght and it seems almost impossible even with it. My grandparents want me to be thin and pretty and your magazine cover girl. My family never leaves me alone about these things, and they wont stop until I am perfect. My Aunt has lost a lot of weight and looks fantastic. My family now expects this of me, but they give me now support. Instead they knock me down with insults and anything they can think of. "You'll never get a boyfriend. You have horrible clothes, because your fat. You wont be happy with yourself. You need to drop it." Yet I recieve no support.

 

I will always be different from my family, but since when is that a bad thing?

 

But for me it is.

 
October 1, 2008, 3:05 pm CDT

Black Sheep of the Family?

Yes, I am indeed the black sheep of my family. 3 years ago I fell in love with another woman. Everyone asumed it was just a fase. I married her a year ago after having lived with her secretly for the bigger part of our relationship. Now my family wants nothing to do with me, saying they "did not raise a Lesbian".

 

I'm still not sure whether I will burn in Hell or not for my sins, all I know is that I have been blessed finding my true love. Just sucks she's a woman, really. But what can I do? I love her.

 
October 11, 2008, 10:40 pm CDT

BLACK SHEEP OF THE FAMILY

Quote From: spitfre

Dad-

Sometimes I think about you, Wonder if you're out there somewhere thinking bout me
And would you even recognize The woman that your little girl has grown up to be!
Cause I look in the mirror and all I see Are your brown eyes lookin back at me They're the only thing you ever gave to me at all
I think about how it aint fair You weren't around to cheer me on

Did you think I didn't need you here To hold my hand, To dry my tears, Did you even miss me through the years at all?


I think about how it aint fair That you weren't there to see me off on my first day of school Like fathers do, or there when I woke up from surgery like fathers are supposed to do. You werent there when I turned 16 or when I was learning to drive. You never had to come to the school to pick me up when I was in trouble and got kicked out. Youve never meet one of my dates at the front door when I was getting ready and tried to scare him off or make him scared. You never got to see me off to my prom. You werent there the night I tried to run away from my problems. You werent there When I was sad and needed someone to talk to, No I had to pick up the phone to talk to you because you were to far away. And how come you rarely visited me, after I joined ffa you could have come and watched me show like fathers do. But I guess you were to busy. I guess I understand how its easer to go spend may a week in south Dakota but its harder to come watch your daughter win many ribbons and trophies at the fair. You werent around when I won state camp in round robin. I was the best in the state of Washington! And you werent there once again!

Dad I dont mean to bring up the past but ever scents that one summer and even the summers before that I have felt that you dont even know me for me! I also feel that I have put more into this relationship then you have. Im sorry but its way past time. You dont know your daughter and I dont know my father.

Its also not fair how you baby my sister but beat me up with either words or even. Face it you and your family love my sister more then me! You may think thats harsh but Its has been this was for 20 years! 20 years too long. If you go to Dixies try to find a picture of me! Heres a clue you wont find one. Do you know what I like to do in my spar time? No you dont! its funny I dont know who, im more mad at you, for treating me like this or at my self for putting up with it for all these years!

I wish I had the guts to write this a long time ago but its never too later to tell you how I feel.

Did you even know I learned to love construction because its what you did. I took up trap shooting to make you happy! I have tried so hard to get you to like me or even love me I so badly wanted to have what you and my sister have. but as the years went on I learned that no mater how hard I tried you would always have my sister as your favorite. Now its time you know I feel. I am not mad just more disappointed. I only have one father on this earth and most days it feels like I dont have one.

Im sorry this must come as a suprize. Because you dont know the real me But you need to know how I feel. You didnt know this but after that summer I sat up many night wandering if I should let you back into my life or not. I want you in my life but it feels like your not in my life. Forgiveness is such a simple word But it's so hard to do when you've been hurt And I hate to say this but I feel that its not going to get better the damage has already been done. Im not sure how much help or problem this letter is going to cause but its past due. Please know I will always love you as my father.

But how can I love some one who lies to me, you cant have a good relationship when the base of it is lies. You have told me many long ended tails before and they have gotten old, why did you think that telling me stories and down our right lies wouldnt hurt me? Face it We lead two different lifes Im not your littler girl any more and never was I have grown up with out you and Im moving on. And I know how much you want me to move to Wyoming so I will get way from my mother, right? Of Corse I am right that the only reason you would take me in the summers and every other holiday, to make my mother mad! All you care about is your self! but Im happy here and I may of said that Ive wanted to move there but I only said that you keep you happy. But the truth is Ive seen the world and I love living here in my home town. With people who love me a friends I can count on.

So sorry to disappoint you again! but now you know who I am and how I feel.

Sorry it took 20 years to tell you. But I have wondered what the next 20 years have in store for us, I hope its a better 20 years! But like the past 20 years I have learned to know count on much for you.

I was touched by your story i really dont know your whole story but if you do not reach out to your father you may find that one day it will be to late i lost my Dad this past Feb and he is gone and no matter what i think i would like to have told him even more than he already knew i dont have that chance if you are hurting in your heart then its better to get through the pain than to carry it on and on dont let it eat away at you any longer my friend whent through an experience with her mother who gave her up when she was a baby she never got enough nerves up to talk to her mom and now she is gone i hope you work through everything sincerely someone who cares.
 
October 21, 2008, 4:04 pm CDT

Black Sheep

from the time i was 9 years old and my "parents" went to marriage counciling, the Methodist minster told them with me in the room that " i was the cause and reason for THEIR bad marriage" from that day on i was blamed for anything and everything that went wrong. it was a good day if i got only 7 spankings. bad day when it got over 14. i have ended up in the ER at least 3 times because of the time my father beat me and my so called mother egged him on!!! i ws told if i ever went to councilly it would prove them right that i was CRAZY!! when i got married at 19 (really to get away from them) they undermined my marriage. they took my oldest away frome me, and my youngest will have nothing to do with me. when i finally got to be 32 i was reading a book called "INSIDE OUT" BY DR. LARRY CRAB. that open my eyes and i started councilly. it took 4 years, i got started on my journey. it has been long, hard, painfully, haunting, joyful and i think i am getting it. i have not let my so called parents back into my life for over 2 yrs now. it is so MUCH less stressful to have them out of my life. i am finding my self, i am still married to the same man, God really blessed me with him.i now ranch, cattle/sheep and am a woman packer, train my own horses and mules and have jobs that i love. i ride a lot and most of it in the true Montana Wilderness. my life is become good.

 
November 8, 2008, 6:52 pm CST

My sister the blacksheep

I have a sister that constantly starts trouble.  She lies beyond he wildest dreams just so my mother will believe her.  She has always been the insigator of all the drama, and then my mother since she is such a negative person herself feeds off my sister.  Right now I am so mad and at the same time disgusted and sad.  My parent got divorced when I was 11 years old.  Since then I have always wondered about my father and why things had to come to such an end with my parents and all.  When I got old enough I decided to frequent my dad, so at the age of 22 years I started to go see DAD in Mexico, every year when I could.  Mind you my sister and brother did not make any efforts to keep up with DAD.  Now things have changed where dad is now alone cause our step mother passed away, so I told my DAD I would bring him home soon.  But in the mean time my mother and sister have been talking behind my back so to say, and all of the sudden I am being accused of being after my dad's house and money you name it etc, all because my mom told my sister that I was the one always seeing dad and that probaly I was up to something.  So my sister got on the bandwagon and would call me day in and day out cursing me and telling me , and then I would call my mom to ask her why she would do such a thing as to turn my sister and brother against me, then she acted like she did not do a thing that someone else in the family told her etc, but no one did and at leat the one that was accused confided in me and said he has not spoken to my sister and mother etc, well now to all more drame and disgust, my sister which never went to see my dad in years decides she is gonna go get him and guess what she did and now my mother and sister are acting like holy saints and saying that the doors are open for me just not my husband etc.  I am so tired of this and I frankly do not want any part of my mother and sister for all the mental abuse and verbal abuse cause there is more, but what hurts the most is my precious dad, he left with my sister cause I guess he is too weak to make a choice and now I am in the middle of this and all I can feel is disgust and sad, I cry all the time.  My brother also acts against when there is no reason all cause he obeys and listens to my moms negative stuff and my sister also has even gone so far as to hit my mother and now my mother is in cahoots with her?  I just do not get it.  I have never disrespect my mother much less hit her, never yelled at my brother, and my sister she looks for trouble all the time and she can not be anywhere with out causeing trouble or upsetting people and she pathically lies and lies to no end.  I do not know what to do any more that all I do is cry cause I am so hurt by all this and the main trouble maker is my sister followed by my mother, and my borther what can I say he has no mind of his own looks like he jumps on my moms negative bull. Please help I need Dr Phil in my mothers house to set my sister and mother straight for once.
 
November 24, 2008, 6:12 am CST

scapegoat

Yes, it's more like I am the scapegoat than the black sheep. It hurts much.

I'm in a very difficult situation right now because of this once again, and would like some advice. I don't want to be on the street and hungry because of leaving definitively and certain conditions made me go back to live with my mother. She hates me and is highly manipulative with money and emotions of others (like guilt and shame). Please help me

 
November 25, 2008, 6:46 pm CST

BE STRONG

Quote From: gracielaflores

I have a sister that constantly starts trouble.  She lies beyond he wildest dreams just so my mother will believe her.  She has always been the insigator of all the drama, and then my mother since she is such a negative person herself feeds off my sister.  Right now I am so mad and at the same time disgusted and sad.  My parent got divorced when I was 11 years old.  Since then I have always wondered about my father and why things had to come to such an end with my parents and all.  When I got old enough I decided to frequent my dad, so at the age of 22 years I started to go see DAD in Mexico, every year when I could.  Mind you my sister and brother did not make any efforts to keep up with DAD.  Now things have changed where dad is now alone cause our step mother passed away, so I told my DAD I would bring him home soon.  But in the mean time my mother and sister have been talking behind my back so to say, and all of the sudden I am being accused of being after my dad's house and money you name it etc, all because my mom told my sister that I was the one always seeing dad and that probaly I was up to something.  So my sister got on the bandwagon and would call me day in and day out cursing me and telling me , and then I would call my mom to ask her why she would do such a thing as to turn my sister and brother against me, then she acted like she did not do a thing that someone else in the family told her etc, but no one did and at leat the one that was accused confided in me and said he has not spoken to my sister and mother etc, well now to all more drame and disgust, my sister which never went to see my dad in years decides she is gonna go get him and guess what she did and now my mother and sister are acting like holy saints and saying that the doors are open for me just not my husband etc.  I am so tired of this and I frankly do not want any part of my mother and sister for all the mental abuse and verbal abuse cause there is more, but what hurts the most is my precious dad, he left with my sister cause I guess he is too weak to make a choice and now I am in the middle of this and all I can feel is disgust and sad, I cry all the time.  My brother also acts against when there is no reason all cause he obeys and listens to my moms negative stuff and my sister also has even gone so far as to hit my mother and now my mother is in cahoots with her?  I just do not get it.  I have never disrespect my mother much less hit her, never yelled at my brother, and my sister she looks for trouble all the time and she can not be anywhere with out causeing trouble or upsetting people and she pathically lies and lies to no end.  I do not know what to do any more that all I do is cry cause I am so hurt by all this and the main trouble maker is my sister followed by my mother, and my borther what can I say he has no mind of his own looks like he jumps on my moms negative bull. Please help I need Dr Phil in my mothers house to set my sister and mother straight for once.

I've been a simiplar stiuation myself & til this day I'm still facing the same trails within my family.I feel the anger,fraustration & the debt that your paying for just being the loving person you are towards your father.When I finally got married & built the loving family that I have today,I've realised that I've WASTED so much time & effort in trying to build a relationship with my own family(parents&siblings).I'm not asking you to cut all ties with them,I'm just asking you to still continue to visit your father,reguardless the tension & all the dramas that your mother & siblings are doing to you.Have faith  & patience's....loving your father is more important to you than all the gossip & negative feed back.Let you mother & siblings do what they do best,but you in the other hand need to get a crib on things.Don't worry about the negative,you want to be part of your father's life,then let it be.Don't let your mother & siblings stop YOU from being part of your father's life.No matter what happens to your father,if that time comes for him to be called of God,let it be,but look on the bright side.Your father will pass on happliy & peaceful knowing that you have continue to stand strong against all the negative from your mother & siblings.I did the same,my husband had always told me,that I only have one set of parents,so I changed & continued to take care of my father,by asking him to stay with me for the weekends so that I can spend that time taking care of his needs,never spoke a word about what was going on with the family but spent precious time with him,laughing,watching my children inter-act with their grandpa,eating together,watching tv,walks to the parks etc the lesson that I've learnt is life is too short to waste on negative things from my family.I'm teaching my kids thru taking the time out to bring dad to me & my family,is the importants of parents.Don't get me wrong its not easy,you will face all the back chat that will eventually invovle your father but @ the end of the day,your father seeks happiness when he see's you come to his rescue....let your mother & siblings do what they do best,but YOU have to find the courage to NOT LET THEM WIN OVER YOU....of course there will be alot more tension,but let them see that youre a strong person that can take what they throw,just remember your not there for them,youre there for DAD!!!!Its going to be hard but its worth it @ the end....when dad died,I felt a warm sensation standing @ his furneal saying farewell knowing that I did my part & I felt @ calm,seing my siblings & mom cry so loud,I knew they were quity because they were only after one thing....the family home & his will......I've continue to send them special occasion cards,do the odd merry christmas ph calls but I don't inter-act with them on one to one bases,I continue to take care of my own family & hope that what I've shown to my children,they will take care of us when we need them.I've been blessed in so many ways that I know its from my father,as for my mom & siblings,they'r suffering,losing their homes,cars getting repo,my siblings getting divorce with their partner's & many more....YOU can do this!!!

You have to be strong,& I hope it will turn out ok for the benefit of your children.God Bless & be strong!!

 
First | Prev | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | Next | Last