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Topic : Black Sheep of the Family?

Number of Replies: 213
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Created on : Sunday, September 17, 2006, 11:44:09 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Are you the outcast in your family, the one NO one wants to talk about or even acknowledge? What makes you different or unique, and how does it affect others in your family? Share your story here.

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April 11, 2007, 8:00 am CDT

God Bless You

Quote From: manderley

I am the "black sheep" and I'm proud of it.

 

Here are the medical facts: I have Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, Chiari malformation, syringomyelia from C2-T10, arachnoiditis, DDD, and uncontrollable tonic-clonic seizures. So far, I've had two brain surgeries and one spinal cord surgery to put in a shunt at C4 that drains into my lung cavity to keep the fluid off my brainstem. (All these conditions happened because I was born with them.)

 

Here are the "other" problems: my father molested me from the time I was five years old until my menstrual cycle mercifully started. I didn't tell my mother or any adult until I was in high school and the nightmares became too much and my parents' divorce was almost final and I thought everyone was safe. My mother accused me of lying and never believed me.

 

Because she thought I was lying about the abuse, she thought I was lying about the physical problems also, and she denied me medical care and told me I was making it all up.

 

Skip ahead. I avoid being institutionalized, and fight to keep my sanity and my failing body. I know to hide everything -- from neurodeficits and headaches to incest stories -- and I try to pretend to be normal for 15 years and a college degree and marriages and jobs and life.

 

But it doesn't last. I'm screaming in the night and having panic attacks, my limbs are beginning to jerk strangely, the headaches are undescribable -- and I'm still cooking Christmas dinner for a pack of wolves that only come around on major holidays, borrow money from me and never return it, and visit the father that molested me all the time and insist on telling me how great he is.

 

Seven years ago my body fails completely. An MRI reveals brain tissue is hanging down into my neck and a lot of my spinal cord has been destroyed from the inside out by a fluid-filled cyst. That was the first surgery. It fails. The cyst continues to grow.

 

It's 2003 and the cyst is up in the brainstem and down to my heart. I have no choice. Another surgery. The shunt is put in at C4. I wake up numb from the neck down in ICU.

 

My husband leaves me. Soon after, my family leaves me. My mother says, "What did you think happens to people like you?"

 

I have gone through another brain surgery since. In August last year  the neurosurgeon had to remove three centimeters of brain tissue and the spinal cord was stuck to the brain by scar tissue. He said he'd never seen anything like the damage I had in there. It will be a year before we know if it did any good at all.

 

There is no money for any mental help -- I need to file bankrupcy just for the medical bills -- but having them gone has been the best help of all. I didn't realize how suicidal I was just being around people that didn't support me and belittled me and mocked me. I even heard from a distant relative that they even deny I've even had surgeries; they say I've carved the scars into my head and neck and back to get attention.

 

I wish people understood many child molesters live in their living rooms. They aren't greasy-haired skanks that hang out in the park and slither around in the bushes with lollipops and gummi bears and stick their hands down their pants. They're in nice suburban beds with their daughters, sons, and granddaughters.

 

Manderley

 

 

 

I Can understand about your family.  I have nothing to do with my mother or my stepfather.  For the same reasons.  My stepfather molested my daughter.  I chose my daughter.  At least God gave us good sense to stay away from toxic people. 

So sorry to hear about your health conditions.  I am on disability due to back surgeries.  So I have learned to live with constant pain. 

I divorced my husband of 20 years, almost 3 years ago.  Another toxic person that I had to get out of my life.  He was verbally abusing me.  When he left my migranes left with him.

Stay strong..... forget about them.  You need to take care of Manderley!  God Bless You.

 

RiverCin

 
April 11, 2007, 10:52 am CDT

Yes.

At 4 yrs old my dad knocked me out for calling him an a**hole I guess in his wee Lil brain that would prove me wrong?

At 11 my dad told me I would become a princess of the devil on my 12th birthday, lord forgive me but I was just relieved someone wanted me (you might be right I may be crazy)

11 1/2 yrs old Granddaddy disowned me for saying that there was absolutely nothing wrong with lesbians.  He's never uttered a word to me since.

Through out my childhood I was accused of being a drug addict, turns out they had the wrong kid my baby sis started on drugs at 10. They accused me because I loved laughing and practical jokes. I was punished once and told to clean the kitchen "I want nothing untouched by water" so in came the sprinkler YA! I brushed the dogs teeth with my dads toothbrush (I've never told him shhh) I put sprite in my dads coffee and convinced my sissy's to play along that it looked completely normal he stormed off threatening suicide since 'nobody cared'. I washed the dishes in mop water...All the time. I put a rubber band on the spray nozzle in the kitchen sink so when mom turned the water on it squirted her. mom looked at me and said "ours is not a joking relationship" Huh. Cuz I always thought it was morbidly funny.

at 12 my mom kicked me out for being a tomboy, she locked me out of the house when I came home muddy after hanging out with a bunch of guys and sliding through storm drains (WeEEHEE)  Apparently being muddy = being a tramp.  (How is this not funny)

At 13 I was put into Youth Services for not cleaning my room. I ran away to avoid getting beat and my dad CHASED ME ON HIS TEN-SPEED.  OMG that still makes me laugh.  Thanks Steve for hiding me under your back porch!  I remember the poor social worker trying to explain to my dad that that was an inappropriate reaction to a messy room and my dad screaming "Then you suggest we live in crazyee for this girl?" I was the only sane one there.

at 14 I moved in with my aunt, I Tried to call home I missed my siblings but I was told I was no longer a member of the family. Huh.  My uncle molested me, I didn't tell anyone but I wrote it in my journal which my aunt read.  I was no longer welcome in her home. He killed himself a few yrs ago, I was upset. I did care about them both they made sure I graduated high-school.  My friends and I called him Uncle Perv, he was a harmless drunk really its not like I was 3 yrs old or anything.  My aunt was the best, I miss her. But I understand.

How has that affected me, I think it hurt for a good 6 yrs, but when I look back I was a pretty cool kid, I never did drugs I didn't smoke or drink and I didn't lose my virginity till I was 17 and I never learned to give a damn what anyone thought of me, since they never knew me at all did they.  I graduated with honors.  Sometimes I feel bad, mostly I think they're pathetic.  God in heaven gave me a strong mind and a strong spirit and blesses me.   so thanks for my life mommy and daddy, thanks for keeping me alive long enough to take care of myself.  Good luck to ya.  But the truth was and is, its up to me. I just couldn't hate myself properly. You're failures.

 

They'll never forgive me for that but I forgive them I could never despise them nearly as much as they despise themselves...I believe learned that at 4yrs old.

 

The glass in neither half empty or half full.  Its twice the required capacity. ~Peteism

April

 

 
April 11, 2007, 3:37 pm CDT

black sheep

i have been disowned, disinherited and experienced an attempted strangling for doing my best to save my mother's life.  we caught my father abusing my mother - not caring for her, not cooking for her, tampering with her meds - she would get BETTERin the hospital and come home and get worse.  The doctors asked my sisters and I what investment my father had in my mothers death, and we knew something had to be done. 

so i wrote a letter to the elder abuse council, to the hospital and the transitional living unit, outlining the situation and asking for help.  we did manage a slight reprieve for my mother; however she did not understand why we were so angry at her husband. 

the last time i saw my mother, my father had his hands around my neck, i blacked out, my daughter pulled him off of me, and he proceeded to beat her.  this was accompanied by all kinds of obscenities from him. 

we called the police, he was arrested.  he received 4 months of anger management.

my children and i have lost inheritance; but more importantly, the family was blown apart by this.

my kids and i are strong as a family, predominantly due to my unwillingness to repeat dysfunctional behavior.  my children do not understand the events leading to my mother's death - they were not raised in the same dysfunction.

my son lost the trust fund established for him at age 2 (which my mother participated in) - he's now turning 21.  i heard my father gave that money, a fund my son has paid taxes on for the past 3 years, to my brothers' children.

my daughter sufferred trauma at the hands of her grandfather, she was 25 at the time.

he kept all his children away from their mother the last year of her life.  he would not let anyone speak to her on the telephone or visit. 

my sister made one trip to see our father after our mother passed away.  there was no service, and she went to pick up some things she gave to our mother.

she found viagra pills on the counter, in my parents bathroom.

so my father did have an agenda after all.  he was tired on my mother - and wanted us all to go away.

 

 
April 11, 2007, 5:11 pm CDT

black sheep of the family

Quote From: lzfenimore

i have been disowned, disinherited and experienced an attempted strangling for doing my best to save my mother's life.  we caught my father abusing my mother - not caring for her, not cooking for her, tampering with her meds - she would get BETTERin the hospital and come home and get worse.  The doctors asked my sisters and I what investment my father had in my mothers death, and we knew something had to be done. 

so i wrote a letter to the elder abuse council, to the hospital and the transitional living unit, outlining the situation and asking for help.  we did manage a slight reprieve for my mother; however she did not understand why we were so angry at her husband. 

the last time i saw my mother, my father had his hands around my neck, i blacked out, my daughter pulled him off of me, and he proceeded to beat her.  this was accompanied by all kinds of obscenities from him. 

we called the police, he was arrested.  he received 4 months of anger management.

my children and i have lost inheritance; but more importantly, the family was blown apart by this.

my kids and i are strong as a family, predominantly due to my unwillingness to repeat dysfunctional behavior.  my children do not understand the events leading to my mother's death - they were not raised in the same dysfunction.

my son lost the trust fund established for him at age 2 (which my mother participated in) - he's now turning 21.  i heard my father gave that money, a fund my son has paid taxes on for the past 3 years, to my brothers' children.

my daughter sufferred trauma at the hands of her grandfather, she was 25 at the time.

he kept all his children away from their mother the last year of her life.  he would not let anyone speak to her on the telephone or visit. 

my sister made one trip to see our father after our mother passed away.  there was no service, and she went to pick up some things she gave to our mother.

she found viagra pills on the counter, in my parents bathroom.

so my father did have an agenda after all.  he was tired on my mother - and wanted us all to go away.

 

well at 14 i found out my dad had a affair on my mom,then at 17 i found out he had  a child,and since me and his girl friend have gotten into it when i was 17 he has not talked to me or any thing..my sister takes his side so i have wanted to contact him but can not find him in NJ..and my sister will not give me the info,so i just keep wishing and now found out he is sick and still nothing from him,,kim
 
April 12, 2007, 12:15 am CDT

Yesh

I am only the black sheep to two of my sibs - my bro and sis.  They both live in Alaska.  They don't talk with me because I'm opinionated.  My oldest bro killed (shot) my late hubby in the '80's.  Usual drunk Alaskan's acting stupid mixed with some mental illness.

 

My brother and sis are mad at me cause I've attempted to tell them HOW to live their lives.  Well obviously no one should have to put up with that.  So I have not heard from my sis in about 2.5 years and my brother is like most men and haven't heard from him for about 4 years.   My mom is failing in health and neither one of them has bothered to call or write either me or her to find out how she's doing.  I have an aunt that's pretty friendly - but she's about 87. 

 

I don't think that I will talk with my bro or sis again.  I have sent many emails and snail mails and left many phone messages with both to no avail.  No contact at all.  I don't understand to any great extent why people can't forgive ... but there it is.

 

God is faithful and has given me many encouraging people around me who are friendly and want to be friends.  I go to a really nice church where I can be around normal loving people.

 

I feel for Anna Nicole Smith's sis  in this way - I think she wrote the book to get a rise out of her sister ... didn't work as she died.  I'm glad that Dr. Phil was not too hard on her.  That was gracious of him - I think he could see that she was in some turmoil and pain for the lack of relationship that she and her sis didn't have.

 
April 12, 2007, 9:38 am CDT

Find out what's going on first ...

Quote From: nursypooviv

 half is mom's and one fourth is yours, the other one fourth belongs to your sibling. evidently your dad wanted things divided up this way for his own reasons. shame that he left the dirty job of informing your mother about it to you. doesn't that make you upset.? better tell mom the deal so that everyone knows how things are, better discuss it now versus letting mom continue to believe what she does for any length of time and then when she does find out the way it really is she might just hire a lawyer and who knows how complicated your life will be then.

Hi,

My family has some quit claim deeds here and there in our family.  Your dad was interesting to quit claim 1/2 the land to her - now you can do anything you want - I would contact a lawyer and find out if it's even legal - if the land is not subdivided - it may not be applicable or may have to be surveyed.  Usually when you have land with a house - one goes with the other.  I'm sure your dad was just concerned that the children received what was coming to them.  I don't know if a quit claim deed did the job for him.

 

First I would contact a lawyer and find out what's going on with the quit claim deed.  Find a property lawyer that can explain it to you.

 

If need be you and your sister(s) can quit claim deed your 1/2's back to your mom if you're concerned that she needs to sell it to support her later in life.  Also, if your mom is also on the property I don't know if your dad could quit claim any part of it to someone other than your mom without her signature.  Depends WHO'S on the actual deed.  It's like trying to sell a property with someone still on the deed - it doesn't work.  It's illegal.

 

So don't tell your mom anything until you find out the particulars.

 

God bless you,

Bevy

 
April 13, 2007, 8:18 am CDT

Black Sheep of the Family?

Quote From: subkim70nj

well at 14 i found out my dad had a affair on my mom,then at 17 i found out he had  a child,and since me and his girl friend have gotten into it when i was 17 he has not talked to me or any thing..my sister takes his side so i have wanted to contact him but can not find him in NJ..and my sister will not give me the info,so i just keep wishing and now found out he is sick and still nothing from him,,kim
 Consult a tax attorney about the trust fund.  It's possible, depending on who actually is out of pocket for the taxes, can get a refund.

If the statute of limitations has not yet run, consider a civil lawsuit for the physical assault and battery against yourself,  and your daughter should do the same and consider a lawsuit for the blows rained down on her.  The amount of damages might not be large, but that kind of conduct is egregious and should be punished in every way possible, IMHO.


 
April 25, 2007, 8:25 pm CDT

Black Sheep of the Family?

My friend is a very emotionally-driven person where her family is very emotionally strict. Her dad is ex-army and her mum was adopted when she was little, and doesnt understand my friends processes. They cant understand why certain things are hard for her. She recently underwent an abortion even though she felt strongly against it. Her parents told her she wasnt ready and to make a mature decision about it (without any support from them, just dissapointment she was stupid enough to get into that situation) and she wanted them to approve. She cant talk to them and they wont agree to councilling, so I think its gone to far but how can this be fixed!?
 
May 11, 2007, 11:33 am CDT

Black Sheep of the Family?

Hello, this is my first time on Dr Phil's message boards, I was just looking to see how to go about discussing and trying to understand the black sheep syndrome, how and why it happens and how to change it!! I am 53 yrs old, my family  is in NJ. I am living in LA and have had a nicer calmer life being away from those people who make me feel like I dont matter. But I do want answers so I can understand why the people who are supposed to be a caring family are not!
 
May 16, 2007, 4:24 pm CDT

takes tme to understand

Quote From: woodward

Hello, this is my first time on Dr Phil's message boards, I was just looking to see how to go about discussing and trying to understand the black sheep syndrome, how and why it happens and how to change it!! I am 53 yrs old, my family  is in NJ. I am living in LA and have had a nicer calmer life being away from those people who make me feel like I dont matter. But I do want answers so I can understand why the people who are supposed to be a caring family are not!
Hello.  I am new to message boards too.  I'm 50 yrs. old.  I'd like to get away from my sibling family.  We used to be very close.  We would do things together every weekend then the phone calls got less frequent and then stopped.  I voiced my concerns to them and promises were made that it wouldn't happen again.  That lasted for a couple of months but you could tell things were strained between us.  With me there were gradual changes.  Do you have an in-law (mother,father,sister or brother) that likes to get things stirred up?  I have a sister-in-law that is the trouble maker.  Do you have a good marriage that maybe someone is jealous of?  Jealousy is a nasty problem.  Maybe you can talk to a trusted friend or clergy.  It seems people don't understand unless they've been in the situation themselves.  It just takes time to understand and know that they have to want to "fix it" too.  Otherwise you'll be hitting your head against the wall, believe me I know.  I've cried many tears over this and not that you can't change it on your own.  It has to be mutual.  I love my family but I don't like them.
 
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