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Topic : Black Sheep of the Family?

Number of Replies: 213
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Sunday, September 17, 2006, 11:44:09 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Are you the outcast in your family, the one NO one wants to talk about or even acknowledge? What makes you different or unique, and how does it affect others in your family? Share your story here.

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December 4, 2008, 1:09 am CST

I can relate

Quote From: mtrider

from the time i was 9 years old and my "parents" went to marriage counciling, the Methodist minster told them with me in the room that " i was the cause and reason for THEIR bad marriage" from that day on i was blamed for anything and everything that went wrong. it was a good day if i got only 7 spankings. bad day when it got over 14. i have ended up in the ER at least 3 times because of the time my father beat me and my so called mother egged him on!!! i ws told if i ever went to councilly it would prove them right that i was CRAZY!! when i got married at 19 (really to get away from them) they undermined my marriage. they took my oldest away frome me, and my youngest will have nothing to do with me. when i finally got to be 32 i was reading a book called "INSIDE OUT" BY DR. LARRY CRAB. that open my eyes and i started councilly. it took 4 years, i got started on my journey. it has been long, hard, painfully, haunting, joyful and i think i am getting it. i have not let my so called parents back into my life for over 2 yrs now. it is so MUCH less stressful to have them out of my life. i am finding my self, i am still married to the same man, God really blessed me with him.i now ranch, cattle/sheep and am a woman packer, train my own horses and mules and have jobs that i love. i ride a lot and most of it in the true Montana Wilderness. my life is become good.

Hi,

 

Good for you for getting toxic family out of your life.  I had a similiar experience where my dad was always blaming me for everything.  I was always the one with the problem.  Now, at 33, I've had the courage to confront him and his treatment towards me and have refused to have him a part of my life until such time he can treat me dignity and respect and stop lying to me.  It's been a long hard road, but I do feel I'm a better person for it.  I shared your pain in feeling like I was the one going crazy, when all the while it was my father deceiving me, and mistreating me.  It got so bad, that I refused to be alone with my father, I always had to have my husband there with me.  My father would continually say one thing to me in private, and then completely deny it when others were present.  I really questioned if I was going crazy then.  It really sucks that I can't even depend upon my own father.  I completely feel for you.  I try to look to tv personalities as parental figures, Dr Phil, Robin, Oprah, even Joyce Meyers.  In some sense, I feel like these people helped raise me, as my own parents weren't mature/adult enough and at times so toxic and only concerned with their own needs.

 
December 24, 2008, 3:48 pm CST

Harrassing family members

Since I can remember,I have always been downgraded by my family. Since my youngest child was killed in 1994,I moved from the area,had no contact with certain family members because they were *bad seeds*. I recently moved back home,after about 25 years, For the past 5 months I have lived in hell. I've moved twice, been threatened by family,harrassed,slandered,home broken into. And he gets away with it. The cops wont help cause they seem to think they OWN the town. and I dont have money so I have no rights. I've never done a thing to my family,I've always been their support when they needed me. and all I got was stabbed in the back. I'd like to file a suit on harrassment ,but I'm told that I can't.because I am poor. My boyfriend of 3 years was recently arrested on false charges made by my uncle.just another attempt to get me to leave the area. I can't afford to,and I have no support. I wish they would leave  me alone or be men about it and tell me why they hate me so much. I don't want to live because I see no other way out of this depression they put me in. I've went through all my resources,just to hear *we cannot help you* get a lawyer. I Dont have money for a lawyer. They hold the fact my dad was arrested for child pornography against me,but HE did the crime Not me. I just don't know where to turn. Michigan is to corrupt to get any help. and I know alot of others are going through the same problems I am,in this county. I wish people could ban together and fight this so called system they have going.
 
December 26, 2008, 4:44 pm CST

black sheep?

Quote From: havana25

Yes, it's more like I am the scapegoat than the black sheep. It hurts much.

I'm in a very difficult situation right now because of this once again, and would like some advice. I don't want to be on the street and hungry because of leaving definitively and certain conditions made me go back to live with my mother. She hates me and is highly manipulative with money and emotions of others (like guilt and shame). Please help me

Do you have any other support systems that can help you? I know probably a dumb question because it doesnt seem like people know how to pull together anymore. they always have to take their faults out on someone else. But keep your chin up, maybe you can cope with your mother long enough until you find something better.Best of luck.
 
January 18, 2009, 6:44 pm CST

black sheep who should kill herself...

My mother thought, before she died (accident), that I was wacko/flaky/crazy. My brother thinks that I am a black hole that infects everyone and that noone gives a s*** about me. He says that I am crazy/wacko/psycho/nuts and that there is no room in his household nor the world for me and that I should just put a barrel in my mouth (his words). The slimy scumbag and his wife that my bf and I were living with and who I was supporting financially thinks that I am muddying the world's gene pool and that I should do the world a favor and just end it, rid the world of myself.

I had a psychological assessment done on myself when I lost my kids. I apparently am not crazy/psycho/whatever but am suffering from 'disthymia' and Generalized Anxiety Disorder and that I have good mothing skills but that they are overshadowed by the depression, anxiety and low self esteem.

But try telling that to my brother and the others who want me to die and be rid of me.  I am fast realizing that the only one who really loves me and cares about me is my ex boyfriend who doesn't want me back until we both are fixed/straightened out ...if we even do get back together. (he doesn't know and says that he can't say at the moment.)

In just the last 10 years, I have lost my family, my kids, everything I own (about 5 different times), a place to live, my job, my bf, and, just recently, all my ID and I lost my mother 2 days before christmas to a car accident...we were just beginning to talk again.

I don't know if I can take anymore hardship. I feel like taking my brother and ex roommate up on their advice and ridding the world of my loser self.


 
January 18, 2009, 9:08 pm CST

Forget them, you are worthy or love and respect

Quote From: annapolis47

 

I am having a major crisis right now with my family.  I am 28 years old and the 2nd child of 4.  I have been living away from home most of the time, but we are close and I love to visit whenever I can.  Well, lately I decided I wanted to go to graduate school, and am making a huge effort (after being a waitress for 5 years) to get on track.  This semester, I am doing some remedial work at the university in my hometown, where my family still lives, that I must do before I can even apply to graduate school somewhere else.  I have the potential to go to a great school and get a Ph.D but my parents are very unsupportive, perhaps even scared of higher education (all they have said in regards to my goals is that they hope I don't become an 'educated idiot').

 

My parents didn't want me to live at home, but I really wanted to live with them-- I was just coming out of an abusive relationship and very confusing time in my life, and wanted the moral support of having my family around me.  (I don't have any friends in this town, and don't have much time for a social life now.  Plus, I love my family.)  This was the most important thing, but my parents think I am only living at home to take advantage of them and save money.  It's true that I am saving money-- and could really use that money, as I don't have time to work this semester.  I try to contribute by baking bread, buying my own food, etc., and try not to get in anyone's way (I'm sleeping on the floor in a small room next to the garage) but they still don't like me at home, and still feel used-- and tell me so constantly.

 

I have been living at home now for a few months, it is mid-semester, and I have critical deadlines every week that can affect my future in a big way.  One of my younger brothers (22 years old) who lives at home has been insulting me daily, in front of my parents, who do nothing to stop it (comments criticizing me for studying instead of working, for living at home at my age, etc.)  Now I wish I had not decided to live there, but moving out now would be a huge emotional strain on me, as well as get in the way of academics. 

 

A couple days ago things came to a head because I lost my temper and asked for a family meeting because I wanted my brother to stop insulting me.  I DO have a very bad temper, once my threshold has been crossed, unfortunately -- and so does my mother.  My parents basically told me to shut up about it and stop harrassing my brother.  They also told me they didn't have time to talk to me about the issue, and my dad sarcastically added he would fit into schedule next week, if he has the time (he's retired.)  During the arguments that followed this, I REALLY lost my temper, I told my parents to f--k off (several times) and they accused me of things as ridiculous as that I have been planning to murder my mom since I was a teenager (completely insane and of course, NOT TRUE)-- (my mom has no emotional control and can be very vengeful, she just blurts things like this out-- but some of the things she actually comes to believe, it seems.)

 

There are a lot of deeper issues going on here:  I feel that my parents have forced me to play the role of black sheep in my family since I was a kid, and don't know why.  I have been labelled a liar, a thief, crazy, and told that I am the cause of all the families problems, told that my boyfriends broke up with me because they figured out how horrible I am, kicked out of the house, Im the only child who has been treated this way, for sure.  Besides the verbal abuse (that no other child has to endure) my parents also helped out the other kids more financially, buying them new cars, etc...something I sort of resent, since I've had to work so hard.  But my parents think that I am the most spoiled and ungrateful child.  I also have felt for a long time like I am some kind of pressure guage in my family-- that when there is general stress, it seems like I have usually been the easiest target to take out anger on. 

 

I do not know what to do.  I don't know if my parents are right, if I am being selfish and ungrateful...or if I am being abused and need to cut off ties to them for a few years.  I am afraid that if I cut off contact I will never have a relationship with them again, but I am not willing to keep being treated like this and accused of such horrible things constantly.  I think it has affected my self-esteem in a bad way, yet, my parents act as if my ego is too big.  They also constantly tell me I'm mentally unstable, sick, and in need of a counselor.  When I told my dad I was going to become some kind of psychologist, he snickered something about "imagine that, crazy you, a psychologist?"

 

Yet my parents are completely convinced that they are great parents, I am a horrible and crazy, out of control child, and my parents ARE good people, and my other siblings don't have any problems like this with them.

 

What should I do!!! 

Is it a lost cause?

I am so resentful right now that the last we talked, I pretty much told my parents I was going to have to cut off all ties to them and separate myself from the family.  Now the idea of me going to grad school is just isolting me more (I;ll be the only person in the family with taht much education, if I complete it, and Im not sure if they respect that or not.)

 

I would plan to get my own apartment and leave them. They probably trained you to be gulnerable and laugh at you when you get used and abused by them. You need to cut off ties until they realize (if ever) that you deserve love and respect and compassion for whom you are. You have dreams and goals like everyone else yet you strive to complete them without the support of who really matters most in life to you. I had to do the same thing and never got as far a you did. With the physical abuse in my childhood years I find men whom treat me to this liking without the mental knowledge that they're going to be the abuser. Always charming and such. College for you seems to be going steady and I wish you the best. But you have to come to realize that you are better than this and you dont deserve to be treated like any less of a person, ever. They may be intimidated by you and your motivation. That you have such a stronghold to yourself and nothing they say or do can tear you down and away from your dreams. They are only deteriorating themselves, when push come to shove and they're of old age, tell me which one of their favored children will care for them in a loving manner......not one.....it will be up to you....and by then, you may be far away living out of state the dreams that You deserve to live...You have my respect. Some parents never change no matter what you do. I havent lived at home since I was 15. They say I owe them money....I keep my distance from them. It also keeps me from feeling left out and taken advantage of. Best of luck to you and for your exams. Live for you and no other of this earth. Or all will be lost.
 
January 30, 2009, 6:08 am CST

Black Sheep of the Family?

I have become the balck sheep of my family since November 17,2008.  That was the day that I signed temporary gaurdianship of my three small kids over to my mother who had already filed for custody of the children anyways.  Now, before you say well ya, I can understand why you would be the black sheep of your family signing your kids away...understand this first....it was my family's idea for me to give my mother temporary custody!!!  They all supported the idea that my mother take over as temp gaurdian of my three children until I could find the means to totally support and care for them.  I had always been, until recently one that wanted nothing more than to please my family, so, I did what they wanted me to do, much against my better judgement and the ink was not even dry on the papers when I was cast out and turned away.  My fiance and I recieved three christmas cards this year, from the only members of the family not wanting an opinion.  We delivered our cards only to find out later that many of the family members had thrown theirs out.  I wouls really like to know why they think I made the wrong choice when it was the choice they all urged me to make to start off with!!!
 
February 11, 2009, 4:13 pm CST

Black Sheep of the Family?

My Dad absolutley HATES everything about me! Im an art kid, and I love theatre, but my dad hates it. He says I have to do everything he wants and he choses the college and everything. My sister and brother are able to do whatever they want, and they rarely get in trouble! I got in trouble and grounded for not wanted to use a specific bathroom in the house! Stupid! I've been ground for 2 YEARS once just for a detention!

 
February 23, 2009, 12:56 pm CST

blacksheep of the family

i  am   amother     of  to  boys  12    and  14  my  mom   and ex   have  custudy    of   my  kids    they  took  my  kids   away   in   o3   because   i  married    a  guy  they  didnt    approve  of   when     i  took   my  ex   back  for   child   suport  i  was   severd    conservership   papers   i  didnt  have  a  lawyer  present   to  exsplain   what  iwas   signing   i  was    told  itwould   be  temporarty    until   igot   back   on  my  feet  well    lnow   i am    sitting  here   and  iget  upset  about   this  stupid    game they  are  playin  me  and  my  kids     no  one  understands  me  my family  thinks  i  dont  understand  oh  but  i do  im  on diablity    and    wants  my kids  back     im  the  black  sheep  of  the  family  with no  support  at  all 
 
March 20, 2009, 8:23 pm CDT

My family member's fall into this category..

The Shamer
This person can be hazardous to your health. The shamer may cut you off, put you down, reprimand you, or make fun of your or your ideas in front of others. He often ignores your boundaries and may try to convince you that his criticism is for you own good. The shamer is the kind of person who makes you question your own sanity before his.

I have a family just like this they know who they are I am telling them right here and now I am taking a stand! I am not going to take it anymore! There is no written law that says I have to tolerate your crap anymore I love you because you are my family. I do NOT have to be treated this way any longer.I have feelings if you choose to listen it is up to you. I have a HAPPY, STABLE , LOVING home life... Having said that I want you to know that your opinion of me is yours I love who I am and you can love me the way I am take me or leave me. Either way I am happy I hope you will be too.



No Longer Your Victim

Today I have made a conscious decision
You will no longer have power over me
I will not allow thoughts of you to consume my life
I will not shed another tear because of you

Can anyone relate to this?

1. You are in a relationship which in some way is abusive.


2. You are always being put down, verbally, both in private and in public.


3. Your needs are never recognized, nor met.


4. Your family lives a life which rarely includes you.


5. You are desperate to make things right.


6. You are convinced that much of your unhappiness (and what you perceive as your partner’s unhappiness with you) is your fault.


7. You fall over backwards to please – and fail.


8. You try to talk things through – and fail.


9. You are frequently tearful – and whiny.


10. You are certain that if only you try hard enough things will come out right.



Wrong!

If you feel that any of these ten points could be attributed to you, then it may be that you are – or are dangerously close to being – a doormat.



* A doormat is a household item on which feet are wiped.


* That is its purpose.


* It has no other use.


* It exists solely to accept the dirt which is deposited on it.


* In doing so, it permits all other flooring around it to remain clean.


* It does not move.


* It is dormant.


* It is not active in any way.


* It is passive, receptive, and submissive.


* It is beneath the notice of all who use it and abuse it.


* The only time any attention is paid to it is when it is so dirty that it requires a beating.


I don’t want to be a doormat
I don’t want to be stepped on
And have people wipe their dirty feet on me
I’m not a piece of stationary carpet
I’m human, alive and emotional just like you
But if you’re wondering why I relate myself
To an aged, faded rug stained with mud
It’s because I feel like one
When I’m around you
Do you understand why I say this?
What CAN you understand?
You talk, I listen, and I understand you
I’ve continued understanding you, yet still
You hardly know me.
I’m sure you have much emotion to share
But so do I
I’m just like you in that sense.
That’s why we’re friends
But I want to talk too
So you can get me as well
No worries, I’m not asking you to stop talking
I love to hear you talk, and I love to listen
Just please, spare me a chance, I’ve emotion just like you
I’m not a doormat, not a heartless carpet-cutout.

 
March 26, 2009, 1:17 pm CDT

Im a blacksheep and happy

I have been the blacksheep of my family for years. And now that im ignored and I refuse to call my siblings and mother.my stressed out life has so verymuch been easier. They have sabotaged my life since childhood, lied and stolen from me. they even sided with my ex during the custody battle of my kids.

Now, everyone who matters (mainy my kids) are seeing them as what they are.

I dont hate them, I just washed my life free of them. after several years of not being told about family reunions etc and family functions i was deeply hurt, then it occured to me ,its best to let them be and live without. I dont suffer anxiety attacks worrying  wha they are going to do to disgrace me or turn my life upside down.

to be honest the only one i care about now is my sick dad who doesnt partake in the dasterdly deeds.

 

 
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