Quote From: annapolis47
I am having a major crisis right now with my family. I am 28 years old and the 2nd child of 4. I have been living away from home most of the time, but we are close and I love to visit whenever I can. Well, lately I decided I wanted to go to graduate school, and am making a huge effort (after being a waitress for 5 years) to get on track. This semester, I am doing some remedial work at the university in my hometown, where my family still lives, that I must do before I can even apply to graduate school somewhere else. I have the potential to go to a great school and get a Ph.D but my parents are very unsupportive, perhaps even scared of higher education (all they have said in regards to my goals is that they hope I don't become an 'educated idiot').
My parents didn't want me to live at home, but I really wanted to live with them-- I was just coming out of an abusive relationship and very confusing time in my life, and wanted the moral support of having my family around me. (I don't have any friends in this town, and don't have much time for a social life now. Plus, I love my family.) This was the most important thing, but my parents think I am only living at home to take advantage of them and save money. It's true that I am saving money-- and could really use that money, as I don't have time to work this semester. I try to contribute by baking bread, buying my own food, etc., and try not to get in anyone's way (I'm sleeping on the floor in a small room next to the garage) but they still don't like me at home, and still feel used-- and tell me so constantly.
I have been living at home now for a few months, it is mid-semester, and I have critical deadlines every week that can affect my future in a big way. One of my younger brothers (22 years old) who lives at home has been insulting me daily, in front of my parents, who do nothing to stop it (comments criticizing me for studying instead of working, for living at home at my age, etc.) Now I wish I had not decided to live there, but moving out now would be a huge emotional strain on me, as well as get in the way of academics.
A couple days ago things came to a head because I lost my temper and asked for a family meeting because I wanted my brother to stop insulting me. I DO have a very bad temper, once my threshold has been crossed, unfortunately -- and so does my mother. My parents basically told me to shut up about it and stop harrassing my brother. They also told me they didn't have time to talk to me about the issue, and my dad sarcastically added he would fit into schedule next week, if he has the time (he's retired.) During the arguments that followed this, I REALLY lost my temper, I told my parents to f--k off (several times) and they accused me of things as ridiculous as that I have been planning to murder my mom since I was a teenager (completely insane and of course, NOT TRUE)-- (my mom has no emotional control and can be very vengeful, she just blurts things like this out-- but some of the things she actually comes to believe, it seems.)
There are a lot of deeper issues going on here: I feel that my parents have forced me to play the role of black sheep in my family since I was a kid, and don't know why. I have been labelled a liar, a thief, crazy, and told that I am the cause of all the families problems, told that my boyfriends broke up with me because they figured out how horrible I am, kicked out of the house, Im the only child who has been treated this way, for sure. Besides the verbal abuse (that no other child has to endure) my parents also helped out the other kids more financially, buying them new cars, etc...something I sort of resent, since I've had to work so hard. But my parents think that I am the most spoiled and ungrateful child. I also have felt for a long time like I am some kind of pressure guage in my family-- that when there is general stress, it seems like I have usually been the easiest target to take out anger on.
I do not know what to do. I don't know if my parents are right, if I am being selfish and ungrateful...or if I am being abused and need to cut off ties to them for a few years. I am afraid that if I cut off contact I will never have a relationship with them again, but I am not willing to keep being treated like this and accused of such horrible things constantly. I think it has affected my self-esteem in a bad way, yet, my parents act as if my ego is too big. They also constantly tell me I'm mentally unstable, sick, and in need of a counselor. When I told my dad I was going to become some kind of psychologist, he snickered something about "imagine that, crazy you, a psychologist?"
Yet my parents are completely convinced that they are great parents, I am a horrible and crazy, out of control child, and my parents ARE good people, and my other siblings don't have any problems like this with them.
What should I do!!!
Is it a lost cause?
I am so resentful right now that the last we talked, I pretty much told my parents I was going to have to cut off all ties to them and separate myself from the family. Now the idea of me going to grad school is just isolting me more (I;ll be the only person in the family with taht much education, if I complete it, and Im not sure if they respect that or not.)
I would plan to get my own apartment and leave them. They probably trained you to be gulnerable and laugh at you when you get used and abused by them. You need to cut off ties until they realize (if ever) that you deserve love and respect and compassion for whom you are. You have dreams and goals like everyone else yet you strive to complete them without the support of who really matters most in life to you. I had to do the same thing and never got as far a you did. With the physical abuse in my childhood years I find men whom treat me to this liking without the mental knowledge that they're going to be the abuser. Always charming and such. College for you seems to be going steady and I wish you the best. But you have to come to realize that you are better than this and you dont deserve to be treated like any less of a person, ever. They may be intimidated by you and your motivation. That you have such a stronghold to yourself and nothing they say or do can tear you down and away from your dreams. They are only deteriorating themselves, when push come to shove and they're of old age, tell me which one of their favored children will care for them in a loving manner......not one.....it will be up to you....and by then, you may be far away living out of state the dreams that You deserve to live...You have my respect. Some parents never change no matter what you do. I havent lived at home since I was 15. They say I owe them money....I keep my distance from them. It also keeps me from feeling left out and taken advantage of. Best of luck to you and for your exams. Live for you and no other of this earth. Or all will be lost.
