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Topic : Black Sheep of the Family?

Number of Replies: 213
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Created on : Sunday, September 17, 2006, 11:44:09 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Are you the outcast in your family, the one NO one wants to talk about or even acknowledge? What makes you different or unique, and how does it affect others in your family? Share your story here.

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October 25, 2006, 4:54 pm CDT

Annapolis....

Quote From: annapolis47

Thankyou  for your advice and for reading this long story...

Well, things over the past few weeks got progressively worse and more and more dysfunctional.  I tried to leave early and return late, and avoid them for the most part, but it doesn't seem to matter what I do, they resent it and find some way to make me sound like a villain.  The interesting thing is that I have felt like such a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders when I realized that, I can't be as bad as they say I am.   I can't really be responsible for "all of the family's problems".  I don't have problems in other relationships in my life-- just them.  I know that I am definitely partly responsible for how bad things got-- I do have a bad temper, and after a certain threshold point, I lost it and yelled at them recently, which I regret.  I just felt like I was at the end of my rope.  Who cares anymore? How much dysfunction can you take before you just lose your control?  I guess I need to work on keeping mine.  And when I do lose it, like I did this last week, then it adds more fuel to their fire and suddenly EVERYthing is my fault again and they have new proof.   It is really tempting for me to take completely and total blame, because i have been told everything is my fault for years-- but when I realized that I am not solely resonpsible for the mess, I have started to feel a lot healthier, in spite of being so sad that I seem to be losing my familiy.  I just really dont think this will ever get straightened out, they refuse to talk to me, and when they do, it is never a real conversation, but a laundry list of all my "evils" -- most of them widely distorted, some outright inventions, a few based on real mistakes I made.  Just yesterday got in a huge argument with them and got kicked out the house.  I am still excited about grad school and plugging away harder than ever, my advisor (a professor who I really respect, and look upon as more of a father figure) has been so supportive, and clearly has been worried about me-- just having that one person who seems to CARE has really helped me get through this.  I am going to find some way to get money for rent and still try to apply to grad schools....I think I can get another loan out.  Then maybe if I work really hard over the summer I can avoid going too much into the hole.  So Im optimistic about my life still...but very hurt about the family...and the fact that they seem to resent my optimism about school, and tell me I'm being selfish.  I can only hope that one day -- maybe after Ive been away for a while-- maybe things will change.  I know the effort is going to have to come from me though, and I dont have energy for it right now.  My parents think that Im making a martyr out of myself.  But it is not a position I want!!!  I sure as heck wish that it didn't have to be this way.

 

It was good to see you back on the boards, though I am sad that things are kind of the same at home.

 

Please check out the postings on page 1242 of the abuse boards.  You get there by clicking on "marriage," then "abuse."  I have found this board to be very enlightening.  The page can be accessed by clicking on "last," then find 1242.  Though you can learn a LOT by reading all the posts, it is very time consuming.  This page has a lot of web sites and some especially great postings.  Truly, you are being abused, that is why I am suggesting the abuse board to you.

 

It is great that you are still excited about grad school !!! Do not allow your family to push your buttons.  That means they get what they are after.....your energy.  Keep learning!  Keep positive!  You are a valuable person and you deserve to have a fabulous life.  Only you can make it happen!  GO!!!

 

ssoganty

 

 

 
October 25, 2006, 4:54 pm CDT

Annapolis....

Quote From: annapolis47

Thankyou  for your advice and for reading this long story...

Well, things over the past few weeks got progressively worse and more and more dysfunctional.  I tried to leave early and return late, and avoid them for the most part, but it doesn't seem to matter what I do, they resent it and find some way to make me sound like a villain.  The interesting thing is that I have felt like such a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders when I realized that, I can't be as bad as they say I am.   I can't really be responsible for "all of the family's problems".  I don't have problems in other relationships in my life-- just them.  I know that I am definitely partly responsible for how bad things got-- I do have a bad temper, and after a certain threshold point, I lost it and yelled at them recently, which I regret.  I just felt like I was at the end of my rope.  Who cares anymore? How much dysfunction can you take before you just lose your control?  I guess I need to work on keeping mine.  And when I do lose it, like I did this last week, then it adds more fuel to their fire and suddenly EVERYthing is my fault again and they have new proof.   It is really tempting for me to take completely and total blame, because i have been told everything is my fault for years-- but when I realized that I am not solely resonpsible for the mess, I have started to feel a lot healthier, in spite of being so sad that I seem to be losing my familiy.  I just really dont think this will ever get straightened out, they refuse to talk to me, and when they do, it is never a real conversation, but a laundry list of all my "evils" -- most of them widely distorted, some outright inventions, a few based on real mistakes I made.  Just yesterday got in a huge argument with them and got kicked out the house.  I am still excited about grad school and plugging away harder than ever, my advisor (a professor who I really respect, and look upon as more of a father figure) has been so supportive, and clearly has been worried about me-- just having that one person who seems to CARE has really helped me get through this.  I am going to find some way to get money for rent and still try to apply to grad schools....I think I can get another loan out.  Then maybe if I work really hard over the summer I can avoid going too much into the hole.  So Im optimistic about my life still...but very hurt about the family...and the fact that they seem to resent my optimism about school, and tell me I'm being selfish.  I can only hope that one day -- maybe after Ive been away for a while-- maybe things will change.  I know the effort is going to have to come from me though, and I dont have energy for it right now.  My parents think that Im making a martyr out of myself.  But it is not a position I want!!!  I sure as heck wish that it didn't have to be this way.

 

It was good to see you back on the boards, though I am sad that things are kind of the same at home.

 

Please check out the postings on page 1242 of the abuse boards.  You get there by clicking on "marriage," then "abuse."  I have found this board to be very enlightening.  The page can be accessed by clicking on "last," then find 1242.  Though you can learn a LOT by reading all the posts, it is very time consuming.  This page has a lot of web sites and some especially great postings.  Truly, you are being abused, that is why I am suggesting the abuse board to you.

 

It is great that you are still excited about grad school !!! Do not allow your family to push your buttons.  That means they get what they are after.....your energy.  Keep learning!  Keep positive!  You are a valuable person and you deserve to have a fabulous life.  Only you can make it happen!  GO!!!

 

ssoganty

 

 

 
October 26, 2006, 10:11 am CDT

Annapolis--correction

Quote From: ssoganty

 

It was good to see you back on the boards, though I am sad that things are kind of the same at home.

 

Please check out the postings on page 1242 of the abuse boards.  You get there by clicking on "marriage," then "abuse."  I have found this board to be very enlightening.  The page can be accessed by clicking on "last," then find 1242.  Though you can learn a LOT by reading all the posts, it is very time consuming.  This page has a lot of web sites and some especially great postings.  Truly, you are being abused, that is why I am suggesting the abuse board to you.

 

It is great that you are still excited about grad school !!! Do not allow your family to push your buttons.  That means they get what they are after.....your energy.  Keep learning!  Keep positive!  You are a valuable person and you deserve to have a fabulous life.  Only you can make it happen!  GO!!!

 

ssoganty

 

 

Hi-

 

Today when I checked on the abuse boards, the page numbers, etc. are different.  I am clueless on the computer, but this got me to the posts I had hoped to share with you:

 

After you have logged on, click marriage, then abuse.  I found the postings on page 6.  Sorry for the confusion.  Good luck!!

 

ssoganty

 
November 5, 2006, 3:46 pm CST

Not worried about being the black sheep!!

I've been the black sheep since I was born.. Our family at this moment consist of 5 real siblings,3 half siblings and 6 step siblings.. Of what we like to call the 5 original ones we consist of 1 male the oldest and 4 females. The 1 male was born in January, of the 4 females 3 (2 older and 1 younger)of them were born in August.. Me I was born in December... Of the 5 of us all thier names end in the letters "ndy".. Me not a chance... of the 5 thier middle names are all spelled with 3 letters..not me I have 6 letters... All have been married (2 divorced), again not me.. I do have a wonderful smart child.. Just never bothered with the married part... As for school... 2 of them graduated from one high school,the other 2 graduated from another high school, me I graduated from a completely different high school... They all got into trouble at school and were very popular.. me I am the quite one and still am.. I have learned to live with this and am very proud of myself.. I worked my way up the ladder of 2 companies and have been successful at both.. My mom.. God bless her.. I was her special child and my son became her special grandchild... I loved her and always will. (we lost her a bit ago)My dad I'm not to sure about.. I love him but he is married to this woman who I don't care much for.. so it is hard to go visit him and he doesn't seem to like to visit us.. mostly because I am not married and have no signif other for him to chat with.. Just because you are the black sheep does not mean your life and dreams are not important.. it just means you are a very special person..one in a million.. an original... so be proud of who you are, pull your head up and let the world know that you are a black sheep.. Peace and Love to all the Black Sheeps in this wonderful Country...
 
November 6, 2006, 3:03 am CST

Sisterly love!!

Quote From: clown1

I've been the black sheep since I was born.. Our family at this moment consist of 5 real siblings,3 half siblings and 6 step siblings.. Of what we like to call the 5 original ones we consist of 1 male the oldest and 4 females. The 1 male was born in January, of the 4 females 3 (2 older and 1 younger)of them were born in August.. Me I was born in December... Of the 5 of us all thier names end in the letters "ndy".. Me not a chance... of the 5 thier middle names are all spelled with 3 letters..not me I have 6 letters... All have been married (2 divorced), again not me.. I do have a wonderful smart child.. Just never bothered with the married part... As for school... 2 of them graduated from one high school,the other 2 graduated from another high school, me I graduated from a completely different high school... They all got into trouble at school and were very popular.. me I am the quite one and still am.. I have learned to live with this and am very proud of myself.. I worked my way up the ladder of 2 companies and have been successful at both.. My mom.. God bless her.. I was her special child and my son became her special grandchild... I loved her and always will. (we lost her a bit ago)My dad I'm not to sure about.. I love him but he is married to this woman who I don't care much for.. so it is hard to go visit him and he doesn't seem to like to visit us.. mostly because I am not married and have no signif other for him to chat with.. Just because you are the black sheep does not mean your life and dreams are not important.. it just means you are a very special person..one in a million.. an original... so be proud of who you are, pull your head up and let the world know that you are a black sheep.. Peace and Love to all the Black Sheeps in this wonderful Country...

 Hi, i am so glad you have relieved some pressure that has been stored up in side. I on the other hand was not the most loved in the family but did have my fare share of trouble. My precious sister who is deceased was only 2. My dad thought she was the cutest baby on the planet and my mother felt trapped by being a mother again when she was 38yrs old. My father never wanted anymore from us then what he gave us, and although it was hard he never said he loved us as much as he said to this child he truley loved her.

Sometime later i grew up and relised when i had my children, how hard it was for that generation to feel comfortable within. When the 2 first sisters were born my mother and father walked 5 miles to catch a train and were very young possibly too young in our day to completely know for sure its what they wanted. You know i think my sister and i were another of the non planned children in one's life, but we grew to be someone that our parents were proud of. My 2year old sister that was born when my mother had her first grandchild. My father worked part time and could take some time to spend with her. "thank god for that". My parents were set with owning their dream home and thought of us not the same but we knew we had different skills and were loved in different ways. Needs and help and kind words were given. When the passing of my sister my father was frail and distraught and we binded together as a family and pulled close and felt more need just to survive this life. We thought life is hard at first, then we felt life as hard as it can be. Sometimes we all make mistakes and take people and children for granted and some times life goes straight by us and we dont blink or change a page that is torn. My  father was the black sheep in his family when growing up and this made him a nicer person. Some people liked him and some passed him by but he was strong in personality and knew a persons full value. So i wish you well for the world is a better place with the black sheep in the family. It makes it tough and good people is the result.

I guess the only other problem you have different to me is that you father picked another apple off the tree, he just forgot what tree he picked his first love from. God bless and I hope you can share a nice Christmas with your family.

 
November 6, 2006, 3:22 am CST

Black Sheep of the Family?

Quote From: annapolis47

Thankyou  for your advice and for reading this long story...

Well, things over the past few weeks got progressively worse and more and more dysfunctional.  I tried to leave early and return late, and avoid them for the most part, but it doesn't seem to matter what I do, they resent it and find some way to make me sound like a villain.  The interesting thing is that I have felt like such a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders when I realized that, I can't be as bad as they say I am.   I can't really be responsible for "all of the family's problems".  I don't have problems in other relationships in my life-- just them.  I know that I am definitely partly responsible for how bad things got-- I do have a bad temper, and after a certain threshold point, I lost it and yelled at them recently, which I regret.  I just felt like I was at the end of my rope.  Who cares anymore? How much dysfunction can you take before you just lose your control?  I guess I need to work on keeping mine.  And when I do lose it, like I did this last week, then it adds more fuel to their fire and suddenly EVERYthing is my fault again and they have new proof.   It is really tempting for me to take completely and total blame, because i have been told everything is my fault for years-- but when I realized that I am not solely resonpsible for the mess, I have started to feel a lot healthier, in spite of being so sad that I seem to be losing my familiy.  I just really dont think this will ever get straightened out, they refuse to talk to me, and when they do, it is never a real conversation, but a laundry list of all my "evils" -- most of them widely distorted, some outright inventions, a few based on real mistakes I made.  Just yesterday got in a huge argument with them and got kicked out the house.  I am still excited about grad school and plugging away harder than ever, my advisor (a professor who I really respect, and look upon as more of a father figure) has been so supportive, and clearly has been worried about me-- just having that one person who seems to CARE has really helped me get through this.  I am going to find some way to get money for rent and still try to apply to grad schools....I think I can get another loan out.  Then maybe if I work really hard over the summer I can avoid going too much into the hole.  So Im optimistic about my life still...but very hurt about the family...and the fact that they seem to resent my optimism about school, and tell me I'm being selfish.  I can only hope that one day -- maybe after Ive been away for a while-- maybe things will change.  I know the effort is going to have to come from me though, and I dont have energy for it right now.  My parents think that Im making a martyr out of myself.  But it is not a position I want!!!  I sure as heck wish that it didn't have to be this way.

 
November 6, 2006, 3:33 am CST

Look on the bright side>

Quote From: annapolis47

Thankyou  for your advice and for reading this long story...

Well, things over the past few weeks got progressively worse and more and more dysfunctional.  I tried to leave early and return late, and avoid them for the most part, but it doesn't seem to matter what I do, they resent it and find some way to make me sound like a villain.  The interesting thing is that I have felt like such a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders when I realized that, I can't be as bad as they say I am.   I can't really be responsible for "all of the family's problems".  I don't have problems in other relationships in my life-- just them.  I know that I am definitely partly responsible for how bad things got-- I do have a bad temper, and after a certain threshold point, I lost it and yelled at them recently, which I regret.  I just felt like I was at the end of my rope.  Who cares anymore? How much dysfunction can you take before you just lose your control?  I guess I need to work on keeping mine.  And when I do lose it, like I did this last week, then it adds more fuel to their fire and suddenly EVERYthing is my fault again and they have new proof.   It is really tempting for me to take completely and total blame, because i have been told everything is my fault for years-- but when I realized that I am not solely resonpsible for the mess, I have started to feel a lot healthier, in spite of being so sad that I seem to be losing my familiy.  I just really dont think this will ever get straightened out, they refuse to talk to me, and when they do, it is never a real conversation, but a laundry list of all my "evils" -- most of them widely distorted, some outright inventions, a few based on real mistakes I made.  Just yesterday got in a huge argument with them and got kicked out the house.  I am still excited about grad school and plugging away harder than ever, my advisor (a professor who I really respect, and look upon as more of a father figure) has been so supportive, and clearly has been worried about me-- just having that one person who seems to CARE has really helped me get through this.  I am going to find some way to get money for rent and still try to apply to grad schools....I think I can get another loan out.  Then maybe if I work really hard over the summer I can avoid going too much into the hole.  So Im optimistic about my life still...but very hurt about the family...and the fact that they seem to resent my optimism about school, and tell me I'm being selfish.  I can only hope that one day -- maybe after Ive been away for a while-- maybe things will change.  I know the effort is going to have to come from me though, and I dont have energy for it right now.  My parents think that Im making a martyr out of myself.  But it is not a position I want!!!  I sure as heck wish that it didn't have to be this way.

  Hi, i am new to your problem and possibly never been in your situation. But i can say that everyone needs space in their life.

You need to succeed in your dream. The most pleasure you will have in life is looking over the tough times and knowing you did it on your own, and know you can achieve anything in your life and everyone does do without something to achieve a bigger goal.

Your goal is finding whats right for you and going full steam ahead, dont look back and have no regrets.

Then later in life no matter what anyone sais about you or to you. You will always hold you head up high and say I did it my way.

You are a surviver and will do very well. I never had a brother but am married to a man who is someone's brother and i will tell you take the easy way. Walk over the ones who trash your spirit because they will only matter if you feel like trash too.

Hope you can find a nice place to share accomodation and succeed in life's ups and downs.

Take care in finding whats right for you.

 
November 6, 2006, 3:50 am CST

You finally relizing it doesn't matter!

Quote From: bretswife96

I worry about people when they say that they are the "black sheep."  I worry because that is not fair.  Ok, life isn't fair.

 

I grew up in an alcoholic family, my fater physically abused my mother and my mother baused me both emotionally and physically.  I have come to terms with that but it did take me a long time. 

 

I was an internaitonal fashion model.  My mother got me into modeling because she thought is would help my self esteem...because she just didn't know what else to do with me.  I traveled all over the world and got myself out of that atmosphere.  I helped myself and then came home and fell right into the same old emotional trap.  A couple of years a go I got tired of being controled.  I was thinking, man, I am thirty years old and this just isn't right.  So, last year, as my mother was trying to talk me out of marying my husband, oh yes, right up until my wedding day, I decided to put a stop to it. 

 

I finally put my foot down.  You see, my mother goes to physics.  A psychic had told her that my husband would be "mean" to me, beat me or something, and kick me and my daughter out of the house and we'd have no place to go.  How's that for encouragement? So, I had read Toxic Parents and decided that I would puut some of her advise into play.  After I confronted my mother, in a very long e-mail.  I did that because it is safest to put things in writing with her so she can't twist words, she did anyway.  Well, my mother no longer speaks to me and I'm ok with that.  I am not the only one that she has done this to but the older sister has to set the precident, right?  My two brothers and their wives are starting to tell her no and are taking control of their lives too.  My husband has been great through all of this and he is glad that I am no longer an emotional wreck.  There are no more phone calls to our house late at night.  SHe is not trying to wreck havoc in my life anymore.  I don't love my mother.  I don't hate her.  I really just think of her as another person that I know.  As a mother, she says that she tried her best with what she was given...nice huh? 

 

Another book that I read was Emotional Blackmail.  It was very helpful. 

 

There are drawbacks to finally putting your foot down.  I used to have a pretty close relationship with my brothers.  I think in a way they are angry with me for telling our mother to get a life of her own.  Now she is more involved in their lives.  Although they tell her no, she is pulling the poor me bit on them.  So, until they put their feet down, they will be in the same situation that I was in.  So, until they do what they need to do I think they will be a little peeved at me for a while.  That's ok, though because I still love them and I know they love me.  I do know that their wives are more than pissed off that the mother-in-law has invaded their lives.  I just figure that they are tough cookies, they'll figure it out for themselves.

 

My dad is the only one that hasn't said much to me about it.  He acknowleged for the first time this year that he had a drinking problem when I was growing up and that my mother hit me.  She still denies that she had any part in abuse.  At the end of my email to my mother I asked her for an apology and told her that we could build on that.  She said that I was ungrateful for everything she had done for me and that she hoped that my daughter wouldn't treat me the way that I have treated her.  My mother is sick and there is nothing that I can do.  Believe it or not...I'm ok with that too.

 

My family considers me a black sheep.  I don't.  I stood up for myself and I am living my life.  I love my life, now.  I used to not like my self very much but what I didn't like was what I let people do to me.  I don't let people areound me control my emotions anymore.  I don't let them tell me what kind of person to be.  I like being me and I love the woman I have become and the woman that I am constantly evolving into.  I'm happy and in love with my life and the people that are in my life. 

 

Just remember, you should never give anyone the power to make you feel bad or to control your life.  I can and do look at myself in the mirror everyday.  And you know what?   I like what I see...black sheep or not.

  I really like your self of worth and i am pleased that out of all the crap in your life you relized it doesn't hurt if you know it's not true.

 

I'm glad your ok with it, hey what the heck life is too short to worry, sense less worry.

Good job lovey.

 
November 14, 2006, 5:12 am CST

Iam going crazy......

I have been married for 5 years.I married the man I fell in love with and since my parents were totally against it,I decided to elope and marry.Things had changed long before that between my parents and I.While my parents were working in kuwait trying to make good money for our future,we 3 (2 sisters and 1bro) stayed at hostels and at granmas and then for 2 years by ourselves.Our parents only sent us the money we required for ur studies and house.since we had basically stayed without them since I was 13,I being the eldest was never close to them.I had a difficult time being the parent to my siblings but I did my best and they turned out just fine.

 

My mom and I have had trust issues since i was 5.She always told me that she never trusted me.and were very strict with us.Anyway when I came to kuwait to work,I was living with my parents here.I didnt get the best of jobs or paid well and my parents insulted me all the time.they called me a loser,a zero and what not.they called me ugly and fat and said that i was a loser and no one would marry me.I cut myself several times but my parents never bothered.i cried for hours in the bathrom and felt that i was going mad.I prayed to God everyday to send me a good man in my life who will take me away from all this.And i did.

 

I was a catholic but converted to islam when i married my muslim husband.The first thing my parents did when we told themabout us, was call both of us at the police station.They blamed my husband for kidnapping me.When we showed the legal documents,my mom slapped me around saying I had ruined their reputation and they never wanted to see me again.Now its been 5 years.Once in a while I tried to call them but they told me to first divorce my hubby and then they would talk to me.Recently I tried to speak to my dad but when i told him it was me,he banged the phone and told my sister to tell me ,that they didnt want me at all in their lives.their reputation is much more important.even when i informed them of a major surgery i went through,they didnt even call to ask if i was okay.

 

Now my sister is getting married and they have told her strictly not to invite me.they dont want my presence.my sister has decided to go along with their wishes and has told me she doesnt want anything to ruin the wedding.so as I always do,i agreed ,if thats what makes her happy.I want to be in good terms with her coz only my siblings talk to me from my side .They are the only connection to what i call my family or of whats left of it.she calls me and tells me about how grand the wedding is gonna be and how great this function is going to be,of how much fun she is going to have with relatives.of how much my parents are going out of their way to make this occasion special.she even told me that she will use all that my parents had kept aside for my wedding,on herself.I feel so left out.My parents have disowned me and not even my siblings have ever tried to make an effort to bring me back in their lives.

 

I dont want anything,just knowing or my parents telling me that i do matter,would mean the world to me.I cry so much at times and fall sick.My husband tries his best to comfort me and be there for me but iam always crying.why,how can parents treat me like this.Indian societies are so close knit and unlike western societies kids stay with their parents till they are married off.But knowing your parents hate you because you went against their wishes and married someone,its still hurting after such a long time.Dr. Phil, or someone please guide me as there is no end to my depression.It feels good to vent out here.

 
November 15, 2006, 5:20 pm CST

Ethics??

I'm going to make a very long story as short as I can, but I really need some opinions.

My father died, and my mother believes he left her the house.  Infact. He had a quitclaim deed filed, that said he got half the land, and none of the house.

 

She believes she owns half the house, but infact she owns half the land and none of the house. She's very naive and can't even figure out how to read the will.  My question is, should she be told she doesn't own half the house, instead she owns half property?? Because my sibling and I inherited the other half of the land and all of the house.

 

Dad did this behind her back but told her she was getting half the whole property.  My siblings believe we shouldn't tell, because it would only hurt her feelings. 

 

What does this board have to say about this?

 

 
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