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Topic : Black Sheep of the Family?

Number of Replies: 213
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Sunday, September 17, 2006, 11:44:09 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Are you the outcast in your family, the one NO one wants to talk about or even acknowledge? What makes you different or unique, and how does it affect others in your family? Share your story here.

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November 15, 2006, 6:28 pm CST

Ethics???

Quote From: luckyme9876

I'm going to make a very long story as short as I can, but I really need some opinions.

My father died, and my mother believes he left her the house.  Infact. He had a quitclaim deed filed, that said he got half the land, and none of the house.

 

She believes she owns half the house, but infact she owns half the land and none of the house. She's very naive and can't even figure out how to read the will.  My question is, should she be told she doesn't own half the house, instead she owns half property?? Because my sibling and I inherited the other half of the land and all of the house.

 

Dad did this behind her back but told her she was getting half the whole property.  My siblings believe we shouldn't tell, because it would only hurt her feelings. 

 

What does this board have to say about this?

 

 

Wow!!!   "Oh what a tangled web we weave...when at first we do deceive..."

 

Without knowing the reasons behind your father's devious quitclaim actions and lies to your mother, it is impossible to know what his motives were.  He really left you and your sibling in a terrible situation with your mother, didn't he? 

 

Your mother will have hurt feelings?  Of course she will.   So do you intend to continue on with the same MO that your father did? ( Lies, denial and sneaky actions) I would think that your mother deserves to know her status with what she assumes is to be her home  for the remainder of her life.

 

Obviously, you have some  hesitation about keeping the "secret" as you posted on this board.  Please do the right thing.  Let your mother know the truth.  Yes, she will be hurt and most likely angry, and her anger should be directed at her husband, your father, not you.

 

Keeping a secret like this will hurt YOU and your sibling most of all. 

 

Good luck to you.

 

ssoganty

 
November 16, 2006, 1:32 pm CST

Why should I be the Black Sheep?

I guess I am duh, or just a hopeless pollyanna. I am having a hard time figuring out what would motivate my family members to be so hateful!  I have 4 sisters, I was not the favorite and rather rebelous of my Mom ( she couildn't control me) . I always wanted to do my own thing. Instead of rebelling into drugs or something destructive I struck out on my own and got a good job and went into modeling. My sisters were jealous of me at that time of my life and so was my Mom. I think because they were all at home having babies while my husband and I were out jet setting, around.  I married well, my husband makes about 4 times as much as their husbands and also my parents. We had lived all these years in another state and after we became parents, they were constantly bugging us to move 'home' to be closer to the 'family'. So 4 years ago we did, what a difference! They treated us nicer long distance.  I can't figure it out, they practically ignore us, except when they want something! They always leave me out, I invite them to do things and they decline. Later to find out that they (with my Mom) have gone somewhere together without even asking me to go. My sisters won't call me ever, I have to call them first. I am always giving them things,( I guess I'm trying to buy their affection.) And they never send me even so much as a thankyou note. My Mom is very secretive about what my sisters and she are doing. They have made comments about our house and the cars we drive, "someday we plan on having a nice house and cars too." This is so hurtful to me and when I let them know I feel left out, they almost seem smug and happy about it. Whenever I call them and find these things out I am hurt for days. This may not be a good reason but I continue to try to have a relationship with them because my husband is an only child,his parents are gone and our child is an only child and we have no one else. I wish we would have never moved back. What are you thoughts? The Toxic Parents book was helpful, I did read it.  I guess I need to limit contact and get more outside friends. Its just always in the back of my head and is an unresolved problem that I constantly have to deal with. What a drag! Got any suggestions?

 
November 16, 2006, 2:26 pm CST

Only part of the story

Quote From: luckyme9876

I'm going to make a very long story as short as I can, but I really need some opinions.

My father died, and my mother believes he left her the house.  Infact. He had a quitclaim deed filed, that said he got half the land, and none of the house.

 

She believes she owns half the house, but infact she owns half the land and none of the house. She's very naive and can't even figure out how to read the will.  My question is, should she be told she doesn't own half the house, instead she owns half property?? Because my sibling and I inherited the other half of the land and all of the house.

 

Dad did this behind her back but told her she was getting half the whole property.  My siblings believe we shouldn't tell, because it would only hurt her feelings. 

 

What does this board have to say about this?

 

 Why would your Dad plot against his own wife? Also what a strange and sad thing to do... to essentially split up his remaining family after he is gone and put you in the middle of an apparant squabble with his own wife. I would suggest you let her know what has happened. And then show her that you bear her no ill will and work with her to get it overturned and back in her name, if she is really your Mom.  I don't understand your fathers reasoning at all, unless you are children from a previous relationship and the house was his before he married current wife, and she is in fact not your bio mom and he wanted his kids to have what was his.  If that was the case I could possibly understand it......But we don't have the whole story here, do we?
 
November 27, 2006, 8:44 am CST

your mom is bad mouthing you

Quote From: hi2day

I guess I am duh, or just a hopeless pollyanna. I am having a hard time figuring out what would motivate my family members to be so hateful!  I have 4 sisters, I was not the favorite and rather rebelous of my Mom ( she couildn't control me) . I always wanted to do my own thing. Instead of rebelling into drugs or something destructive I struck out on my own and got a good job and went into modeling. My sisters were jealous of me at that time of my life and so was my Mom. I think because they were all at home having babies while my husband and I were out jet setting, around.  I married well, my husband makes about 4 times as much as their husbands and also my parents. We had lived all these years in another state and after we became parents, they were constantly bugging us to move 'home' to be closer to the 'family'. So 4 years ago we did, what a difference! They treated us nicer long distance.  I can't figure it out, they practically ignore us, except when they want something! They always leave me out, I invite them to do things and they decline. Later to find out that they (with my Mom) have gone somewhere together without even asking me to go. My sisters won't call me ever, I have to call them first. I am always giving them things,( I guess I'm trying to buy their affection.) And they never send me even so much as a thankyou note. My Mom is very secretive about what my sisters and she are doing. They have made comments about our house and the cars we drive, "someday we plan on having a nice house and cars too." This is so hurtful to me and when I let them know I feel left out, they almost seem smug and happy about it. Whenever I call them and find these things out I am hurt for days. This may not be a good reason but I continue to try to have a relationship with them because my husband is an only child,his parents are gone and our child is an only child and we have no one else. I wish we would have never moved back. What are you thoughts? The Toxic Parents book was helpful, I did read it.  I guess I need to limit contact and get more outside friends. Its just always in the back of my head and is an unresolved problem that I constantly have to deal with. What a drag! Got any suggestions?

 your story sounds familiar, i have had this same problem for 19 years.  i just figured out my 2 sisters treat me like dirt because our mom has been bad mouthing me to both of them. can't fix it as far as i am concerned. can't have a honest conversation with people who believe info they have heard thru a third party. you will spend the rest of your life defending yourself. i don't have a relationship with anyone in my family except my own kids now. not worth the effort. and the closer you live to these people, the more sressed out and hurt you will be. i live 1700 miles from my parents and 2 sisters by choice. every time i try to be close i get stabbed in the back. i am a single mom with 4 kids, 2 grown and 2 in high school. i can't be a good mom if i allow my parents and sisters to keep me down.sorry if this is not what you want to hear, it isn't easy to deal with.
 
November 27, 2006, 8:57 am CST

half is mom's

Quote From: luckyme9876

I'm going to make a very long story as short as I can, but I really need some opinions.

My father died, and my mother believes he left her the house.  Infact. He had a quitclaim deed filed, that said he got half the land, and none of the house.

 

She believes she owns half the house, but infact she owns half the land and none of the house. She's very naive and can't even figure out how to read the will.  My question is, should she be told she doesn't own half the house, instead she owns half property?? Because my sibling and I inherited the other half of the land and all of the house.

 

Dad did this behind her back but told her she was getting half the whole property.  My siblings believe we shouldn't tell, because it would only hurt her feelings. 

 

What does this board have to say about this?

 

 half is mom's and one fourth is yours, the other one fourth belongs to your sibling. evidently your dad wanted things divided up this way for his own reasons. shame that he left the dirty job of informing your mother about it to you. doesn't that make you upset.? better tell mom the deal so that everyone knows how things are, better discuss it now versus letting mom continue to believe what she does for any length of time and then when she does find out the way it really is she might just hire a lawyer and who knows how complicated your life will be then.
 
December 2, 2006, 4:40 am CST

It takes time

Quote From: nursypooviv

 your story sounds familiar, i have had this same problem for 19 years.  i just figured out my 2 sisters treat me like dirt because our mom has been bad mouthing me to both of them. can't fix it as far as i am concerned. can't have a honest conversation with people who believe info they have heard thru a third party. you will spend the rest of your life defending yourself. i don't have a relationship with anyone in my family except my own kids now. not worth the effort. and the closer you live to these people, the more sressed out and hurt you will be. i live 1700 miles from my parents and 2 sisters by choice. every time i try to be close i get stabbed in the back. i am a single mom with 4 kids, 2 grown and 2 in high school. i can't be a good mom if i allow my parents and sisters to keep me down.sorry if this is not what you want to hear, it isn't easy to deal with.

 I know you are trying to set a standard in being normal to your family. But in their eyes you are posh, you have all the nice things and they think its been easy for you and your husband to get. Just think if you were them and finding it difficult to pay the bills without making enough to have a nice car or house.

 Sometimes things that are everyday to you and you feel you want to share with them may be over the top. Not that you want to make them feel that way. Its just what it is.

 The holiday season is coming up. Why dont you try and visit your family on a surprise visit, take some home made christmas cake, a fruit plater - try to be normal and not over the top, it could be taken out of zest that you only brought something so expensive because you can afford it and want to share it. To them it makes them feel not perfect as you would like.

  The fact of the matter is maybe if you help out handing out christmas presents to the widowed families this year you will know that the simple things in life are free and sometimes its easy for some and harder for others.

 At the end of the day i think it is important to put everything aside and give you child his grandmother and cousins he deserves visit at grandmar's house only.

  good luck.

 
December 2, 2006, 4:54 am CST

try the simple life

Quote From: hi2day

I guess I am duh, or just a hopeless pollyanna. I am having a hard time figuring out what would motivate my family members to be so hateful!  I have 4 sisters, I was not the favorite and rather rebelous of my Mom ( she couildn't control me) . I always wanted to do my own thing. Instead of rebelling into drugs or something destructive I struck out on my own and got a good job and went into modeling. My sisters were jealous of me at that time of my life and so was my Mom. I think because they were all at home having babies while my husband and I were out jet setting, around.  I married well, my husband makes about 4 times as much as their husbands and also my parents. We had lived all these years in another state and after we became parents, they were constantly bugging us to move 'home' to be closer to the 'family'. So 4 years ago we did, what a difference! They treated us nicer long distance.  I can't figure it out, they practically ignore us, except when they want something! They always leave me out, I invite them to do things and they decline. Later to find out that they (with my Mom) have gone somewhere together without even asking me to go. My sisters won't call me ever, I have to call them first. I am always giving them things,( I guess I'm trying to buy their affection.) And they never send me even so much as a thankyou note. My Mom is very secretive about what my sisters and she are doing. They have made comments about our house and the cars we drive, "someday we plan on having a nice house and cars too." This is so hurtful to me and when I let them know I feel left out, they almost seem smug and happy about it. Whenever I call them and find these things out I am hurt for days. This may not be a good reason but I continue to try to have a relationship with them because my husband is an only child,his parents are gone and our child is an only child and we have no one else. I wish we would have never moved back. What are you thoughts? The Toxic Parents book was helpful, I did read it.  I guess I need to limit contact and get more outside friends. Its just always in the back of my head and is an unresolved problem that I constantly have to deal with. What a drag! Got any suggestions?

  i think i just posted your reply to another person. But i wanted you to surprise visit your family this christmas with a homemade chrissy cake or chocolate rumble balls. Children do need to see their grandparents and cousins and cut the crap with the adults. You are strong enough to bear their bad manners and let your child have his time. Your husband doesnt need to visit on the first occasion see how it goes. You need to relate directly to your mother. Wear a normal tracksuit - some casual clothes and comfy wear. Feel relaxed and it wont be easy. But delivering a baby wasnt easy you just need the will to do it. If it is hurting your child to be their then you will need to break away and have another child for your only child to love and feel comfort being within your own family - you, your husband, the only child & the new child. That is the only family you need when its the last resort.

  You may need to look back at the message boards other person who quoted a remark to you. I am new to this messaging so im not sure who gets what. Good luck and don't ring to keep in touch, visit only. Get it first hand, have a great time on your own. Some mothers can only handle one person at a time and really who doesn't hate talking on the phone, i certainly do!

Have a nice holiday season and dont buy your affection you are only causing the gap to widen.

 

 
December 2, 2006, 10:38 am CST

Pollyanna here...

Quote From: lynnebrown1465

 I know you are trying to set a standard in being normal to your family. But in their eyes you are posh, you have all the nice things and they think its been easy for you and your husband to get. Just think if you were them and finding it difficult to pay the bills without making enough to have a nice car or house.

 Sometimes things that are everyday to you and you feel you want to share with them may be over the top. Not that you want to make them feel that way. Its just what it is.

 The holiday season is coming up. Why dont you try and visit your family on a surprise visit, take some home made christmas cake, a fruit plater - try to be normal and not over the top, it could be taken out of zest that you only brought something so expensive because you can afford it and want to share it. To them it makes them feel not perfect as you would like.

  The fact of the matter is maybe if you help out handing out christmas presents to the widowed families this year you will know that the simple things in life are free and sometimes its easy for some and harder for others.

 At the end of the day i think it is important to put everything aside and give you child his grandmother and cousins he deserves visit at grandmar's house only.

  good luck.

Thanks to everyone for your replies, it put a different perspective on things. I have been just living my life, trying to do my best. I saw my siblings as people that shared a common bond with me because of our upbringing, not a relationship based our bank account balances. I always had the belief that if a family member was doing good it elevated all the rest of the family members as well. But, I guess in a disfunctional family it doesn't work that way. (And until you identify your family as disfunctional, you think its normal and beat yourself up trying to make sense of it all.) 

I now see that you have to treat family members as you would if you were meeting a total stranger. I have unknowingly made the mistake of giving them carte blanche into my life without seeing if they were trustworthy. I appreciate all of your suggestions and your perspective. As you suggested, we have for 4 years, made the effort not to dressup or bring extravagant gifts to family gatherings nor be in-your-face,over the top, but we are still not accepted.

This is a continuing saga and a daily struggle. Everytime I make contact with any of them it seems to be a negative outcome.(They will be real nice when they want information or something, then when they get it, they lash out and you are nothing to them again....until next time)

I will say, the book "Toxic Parents" is a must read! It has helped me tremendously. Lately, each time there has been an emotional upheaval with them it has taken me less time to get over it. I am able to set boundries with myself to limit contact with them. And even though I live minutes from each of them, (and my Mom still tries to make me feel guilty), I now know, I need to have a life totally without them and not feel guilty about it. It will be an issue I deal with for the rest of my life and a daily struggle, but it should lessen with help and time.

Some of the questions I still have to answer for myself are:

Why do I keep going back for more abuse? Why can't I disengage from these people and get on with my life? (I had no problem doing this when I lived away, but why not now?) The answer is probably rooted in those core beliefs I learned as a child and still believe in, but haven't yet challenged. I hope we all can find our path to a healthier self. I am certainly going to continue fighting for my sake, and my husband and childs sake. Thank you all for being supportive and listening.

 

 
December 3, 2006, 12:01 pm CST

Jaimie

Quote From: jaimie1974

Toxic Parents is a very helpful guide. I have read that one and also Toxic In-Laws, because I had the bad habit of trying to make everyone else happy. I ended up being miserable, and no one was ever happy anyway. Both of these books were helpful for me to learn how to set those personal boundaries and enforce them. It is really great that you have done this for yourself, this is a huge step in the right direction! Why do you keep going back for more? Because the magical thinking part of your brain keeps waiting for them to magically change, somehow, into being more interested in you as a person, to care more and truly want to know you. But who knows if they ever will? They sound like self centered people. I know it hurts because these are your family members, but family or not, you cant allow yourself to be constantly disrespected. You arent going to change them, they have to want to change. They have to want to accept happiness in their lives, but so far, they are only interested in gossip and dysfunction.

 I TOTALLY agree with your assessment. It is a wish and hope that they will magically change and accept us, and that they will someday be a normal loving family. That is what probably keeps all of us trapped in this cycle of abuse. This dysfunction keeps me from living my life to the fullest and I think that failure, may be the twisted goal of many a toxic parent. They are so insecure with themselves that a successful child is a threat to them. They have found a great way to sabatoge our futures (if we let them), raise emotionally dependant children and then push their buttons at will. Hummmmm. I don't think I want to play that game anymore! I am glad to have found this website and that I have been able to benefit from some of the advice given here, and also to see that I am not alone in my frustration. I am also very lucky to have a wonderful Husband that supports me and helps me keep sane. For those of you that don't have anyone, please find a supportive friend or support group to help keep you headed in a healthy direction, you are worth it! To Jaimie, I have read your posts here and on other threads, they seem to be very helpful and healthy answers, Thanks.  One day at a time.
 
December 17, 2006, 5:21 pm CST

Black Sheep of the Family?

I'm pretty sure me and my sister are the outcasts of the family.

  1. My mom didn't even care when my sister was anorexic because "we have one problem child in this family...we don't need another" (she's talking about me)

  2. My mom speaks about my "problems" to everyone she can

  3. When my friend died she made everyone feel sorry for her because I wouldn't talk to her for 2 months

 

-Frustrated Teenager Ready To Kill *Insert mother figure her* Theresa

 
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