Message Boards

Topic : Black Sheep of the Family?

Number of Replies: 213
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Sunday, September 17, 2006, 11:44:09 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Are you the outcast in your family, the one NO one wants to talk about or even acknowledge? What makes you different or unique, and how does it affect others in your family? Share your story here.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

December 18, 2006, 3:56 am CST

Hi hun

Quote From: teziscool

I'm pretty sure me and my sister are the outcasts of the family.

  1. My mom didn't even care when my sister was anorexic because "we have one problem child in this family...we don't need another" (she's talking about me)

  2. My mom speaks about my "problems" to everyone she can

  3. When my friend died she made everyone feel sorry for her because I wouldn't talk to her for 2 months

 

-Frustrated Teenager Ready To Kill *Insert mother figure her* Theresa

Ive just read your message, im 28 and when i was a teen i also had problems with my mum as well as depression(undiagnosed at that point). Your message really hit home with me and i just wanted you to know there will come a point when you will no longer be living at home, you will have your own life and be free to make your own choices. This is  what kept me going when i was still at home also if you feel that your medication is not working for you please go to your doctor and discuss it, your doctor should listen to your fears and help. Take care xx
 
December 26, 2006, 8:27 pm CST

A Black Sheep

My family was always considered the black sheeps, not just me but my Mom and brother as well. My Dad died when I was 10 and we lost everything we owned and had to move from a house into an apartment.  The family used to fight to see who would have the poor ones over for the holiday season.  We went and played like we were enjoying it.  Then my brother grew older and he moved to a different province and was soon just dropped from the family tree like a bad apple.  I got married to a guy my family just adored and then after 13 years of marriage I left him and we divorced.  That was 4 years ago.  My family still wants to invite my former spouse to family functions, although there are others who have divorced and they don't invite their former spouses.  I remarried almost a year ago and my Mother has since basically disowned me.  It doesn't matter what I do for her she gets all pissy and mad at me.  I can never do anything right.  I have two teenage boys and my husband and I wanted to set an example for them that if you are willing to make a committment and be with someone you shouldn't just live together and play house. I keep telling myself that I just don't care anymore and I must have done something to deserve this, I just haven't figured out what it is.  If anyone out there has any answers please let me know.

 
December 28, 2006, 1:57 pm CST

life story...

I'm the youngest of three children. 27, 26, and 25.  My sister is 1 yr older than me and growing up we were really close.  My brother and I fought constantly. He always picked on me. I hated him when we were kids but now we're on good terms.

 

I am pretty close to my mom but she treats me different than my siblings. when we all lived away from home, my mom would clean the house when my brother or sister visited, but never when i did (and it'd be just as often).  I brushed it aside but part of me felt like this was a way mom saying it didn't matter that i was visiting.  And in a weird way, my mom tries to be cool for my sister, and now, my brother's fiance. if we see a movie together or i happen to see a tv show we both like, we'll talk about it comfortably. But when my sister or my brother's fiance mention it, she trashes the show or movie calling it stupid. I can never quite figure out why she does this...but it's an obvious sign that she seems to care more about what they think of her...not sure if that's good or bad.

 

I have always, since before I could remember, felt like a blacksheep of the family.  My brother and sister were always athletic, and I wasn't so much.  I used to swim until my chronic ear infections just got to the point i needed surgery...then i stopped because my ears were even more sensitive after that. I got into tennis but since I was the only one in the family to like it, my parents didn't see the point in paying for the lessons since it was expensive...i tried other things but they didn't last. I just didn't LOVE sports.  I know this was probably where my dad and I started to disconnect...if we ever had been close to start with. He always helped my brother with his baseball and my sister with her soccer.   My interests were on the more artistic side. I was put into a class once, during the weekend but after that, nothing happened.  I asked my dad once to teach me Kung Fu since he taught it but he said no...don't know why.

 

I always remember being dragged to baseball and soccer games, where both parents would show up.  I was on the basketball team in gr. 5 and only remember 2 games my dad showed up, and about 5 or 6 where my mom did. In gr. 8 i was on the baseball team (I always did want to learn but no one wanted to teach me, including my dad).  One of the big games was a double-header (two games back to back) and i came right out and asked my parents to come.  They were working but mom made it to the last game but missed me playing, and dad didn't come at all. Said he forgot.  Our team got to the semi-finals and we played in the city's stadium. It was really important to me but neither parent showed up.  I was the second last batter, and i got two people on my team to land on home plate. The next batter came up and we won the game, and got medals and everything. I was crushed my parents weren't there.

 

I thought i got over all of this, but the past few years I've seen more and more of my parents favouring my brother and sister and it just brings back memories.  In high school, then again a couple years ago, my sister became seriously ill (she's healthy now).  For most of the year when i was 15, it was me and my brother home alone, taking care of ourselves while my parents were at the hospital with her. I didn't feel jealous about that but i had a lot of friends helping me through it.  but every time after all of that, my sister could do no wrong...which i suppose is understandable for a little while...i just didn't think it'd last the rest of her life.

 

Two years ago when my sis got sick, I was just out of college and dealing with a lot of problems finding work.  I had a degree, and some experience but no one wanted to hire me. I was living with some room mates, away from home, and now that I look back on it I think I was depressed (only after I found out she was sick...which was 4 days b/4 xmas).  My dad started getting on my case, getting mad and acting like i purposely wasn't looking for work...he didn't let up and didn't understand that it was like kicking me while i was down.  So I eventually got a job but it wasn't great pay...still i saved every penny.  3 days after I was on the job, my dad started grilling me about finding a 'better' job.  Apparently it didn't matter that my pay was only 2 dollars less than what my brother was making. My dad was 'proud' of him.

 

I worked at that job for several months, then it went bust. the whole company when out of business without any notice...again, right before xmas of last year.  I was living at home at the time, preparing to move into an apartment (setting money aside and all that) when I lost my job.  I came home and told my dad what happened. The first thing he says is "I knew that would happen."  I was sooo angry after that. I mentioned it at one point to my mom and she lectured my dad. He apologized but I knew him better than that. He was only doing it because my mom was  bugging him...because I was obviously upset when i talked to him.  Ever since, I get the feeling my dad has resented me.

 

I've worked odd jobs to make some money, I don't pay rent but I clean around the house all the time, shovel when it snows, etc. If I go out, I do something that doesn't require money, like hanging out at a friend's...i STILL have money from working last year while I search for a more permanent job. My dad's always on my case about a job and all of that...he's told me he's 'disappointed' in me and so on.

 

My dad's a good guy but he's very critical. None of me, my brother, or my sister want to disappoint him but he's an overachiever and he constantly says things like "I did this, and this, and this, and i still managed to work 9 hours a day."

 

There are many other ways I'm the blacksheep. Firstly, I hit puberty at age 11 and the first thing it did was make my weight fluctuate like crazy even if i didn't eat any junk food.  during one of the 'heavy' times my dad actually told me no one would like me unless i lost weight.  I was crying and everything...he never apologized.  When my sis got sick the first time, even though I was so out of it i skipped meals occasionally, the stress caused me to gain weight...once she got better my weight stayed but i never gained anymore weight. First year of university, i lost some weight, then when my sis got sick again, i gained a LOT more. I spent a lot of the tiem in the hospital with her, where the only food served was pizza (gee can you guess why I gained weight?).   After that, my dad constantly talks of me being 'healthy' and eating properly.   I do eat healthy...all the time but since I'm not jogging six miles a day, if i lose weight, its only a pound here or there and he can't see that.

 

Growing up, I've always had good grades, B's or A's. I hit high school and I kept that relatively the same (with the exception of math and French classes). Get to university and my grades were about C+ average straight through...even though I tried my best, pulled back to back all nighters, etc.  It never seemed to be enough for my dad. Sometimes he'd talk about taking courses over again.

 

My brother and sister were generally C's-B's for their grades from elementary (grammar) school through college. They rarely got any slack from my dad.  I know he didn't expect as much academically from them, which i feel bad for, but he shouldn't have put all that pressure on me.  I nearly had a breakdown during my third year at college because I hadn't slept in 3 months, trying to pull my grades up. After that, I just stopped fussing so much. I'd try my best but didn't obsess.  This was around the time my dad started to adopt the idea that I didn't care about anything.  he saw me having fun and thought I should be working more.  He has never ever treated my brother or sister this way.

 

Also, my dad is one of those people that have to see something to believe it. I lived right by my high school and i'd hang out with friends after school for a few hours, come home around six or seven, and turn on the tv. Ten minutes later, dad would get in and accuse me of watching tv since school let out...and he'd tell me (in a 'nice' way) to make more friends. he never listened when i told him i had just been out.  Of course to him, it had to be a lie since my brother and sister were still out with their friends.  He also used to accuse me of being anti-social, which just wasn't true. I had a few large group of friends but I just never went out every night like my brother or sister did, and some of my friends had strict traditional Asian families that refused to let them go out during the school week...they had to study.

 

I've always been the one to end a relationship if it was toxic, to stand up for myself, and to take things in stride.  I never (unless you count this post) dwell on the past but lately I feel as though I'm trapped. My finances aren't good enough to move out on my own so i'm stuck here with the parents.

 

My dad has always had double standards for my brother since he's the boy, and he could never go wrong. Even when my brother was on pot and smoking, my dad was working so much he never noticed...but to him, my brother was a saint.  my mom is more like that with my sister. Lately I've noticed all of this still going on...probably because it's family time I just notice it more...anyways, even the little things are noticeable...like when my dad lectures me about dropping food on the couch (which i didn't) so i had to eat over the table...my sister, the very next day eats the same thing, an xmas cookie, on the couch, with no plate, and my dad looks right at her but says nothing.  I know it sounds petty and like i'm whining, but I was just wondering how much of this stuff had gone on since we were little. We probably picked up on all of this long ago...

 

 

As of the past few months, my brother got engaged, and so did my sister. They had both been dating their finaces for 7 years.  This is another thing because I haven't had any 'serious' relationships. I'm still young but my dad actually has made comments like "so when are you going to find someone?"  My sister was insulted by that just hearing it...we tried to laugh about it.

 

Because of all of this, I am really starting to resent my father.  My mom hasn't been nearly as bad but sometimes I wonder why she treats me differently. 

 

 

 
January 4, 2007, 3:10 am CST

I have been the black sheep and it HURTS!

My husband left the Mormon church and started attending a non denominational (just bible based) church, andmy in-laws just do not accept me AT ALL.  They try to be nice, but I know deep down they believe I took their son away from their one true church.  I just keep doing my best to love them unconditionally as Jesus would do, but its tough at times.  I know there is alot of deep rooted anger at me not becoming mormon.  To make light of this though,  I know I am the white sheep. (smiles)

 
January 4, 2007, 11:58 am CST

Left Out

I am the only one in my family that lives out of state. When I try to call my sisters I am treated like an aquaintance or stranger. They both get along but since I live out of town its as if they just want to forget me. There's always been problems and I am usually the ousted one. Sometimes I feels as if it would've been better if I had never been born.
 
January 5, 2007, 7:15 pm CST

disappointed

I am 14 years old on my sisters account but i am the black sheep of my family. My mom hates me and tells me shes going to kill me and always swears at me and tells me to get my head out of my ass and that im a bitch and stuff and she threw a chair at me and "accidentally" had a knife slip out of her hand to he land point down on my foot and cut me. My older sister is the pretty one and my mom never swears at her and always goes in at night and says i love u. when she is grounded they never follow through with it but one time my parents (mainly mom) grounded me for 3 months!!!!! she hates me and i never talk to her about anything she just yells and my sister is going off to college and i wish it was me and everybody tells me that they hate my mom and i should go to the farthest away college and i always dream i was my sister and i was going to college cuz there is no where to go. i basically cry myself to sleep everynight and i dont have a ton of friends at school and the friends i have im not very open to them and I jsut keep all my feelings bottled up inside me and i cant even try to talk to her cuz i dosent work and if she lets me go out to a friends house she raids my room and my filing cabinet but not my sisters and i hide the key to my filing cabinet but she searches my closets in all to find it so i cant keep a journal or anything personal... im sick of it and some nights i just wish i wouldnt have been born. to my mom i do nothing right. Any advice i bet would help cuz i am in 9th grade and i cant run away or anything so any advice???
 
January 10, 2007, 5:22 pm CST

Some times there

My mom did not really want children and my dad took care of my sister and myself because he had to.

 

My mom does not want to see my child, but her and I keep in touch over the internet.  My dad comes to see us sometimes and mostley with grandma sometimes with his girlfriend.   Who he always complains about. 

 

Both my parents put down my sister.

 

I have been to parenting classes so I am trying not to repeat things that happened with my parents.

 

when my dad comes over he keeps telling my four year old to support me when he grows up.  I ask my dad not to do that but he does not listen to me.

 

My son and I talk about it after my dad has gone back home and I tell him that he does not have to support me when he grows up. He can live his own life.

 
January 18, 2007, 2:36 pm CST

understanding y

u get older want to find ur dad but in the process u find out ur not a wanted kid or even a oops but a product of a rape thats when u understand y ur a out cast or black sheep now i'm at a lost don't even care if i live or die so when ur winning about being a black sheep think of my situation and maybe u'll realize urs aint so bad after all
 
January 23, 2007, 6:35 am CST

wanting to get out of Blacksheep club

 Iam 41 yrs old and the oldest of 3 and my mom has always treated me like the black sheep and a couple of months ago I found out that she never really wanted me I broke away from the family and stayed in touch with my little sister because of my daughter  every holiday we   get together and everyone is so fake and the only two people are real is my father and my little sister and my husband and my daughter  of course she is only 5 so anyway  my father is in his 70 and my mother last year left for New Orleans to help  out  I am proud of her to do that but when your husbands health is not the best he as he calls it forgets things and then even cops write things down cause they forget well anyway to  the blacksheep subject my sister  who is 37 she does not allow my 18 yr niece to hang out with me cause I am to honset and my 18 yr son wants nothing to do with me cause they all have filled his head with stuff I did in his past and that hurts but I am breaking the black sheep club cause you know in the end I will be able to meet my maker and know I paid forr my mistakes and theres too. I hoped this helped and if not someone can help me!!!!
 
January 31, 2007, 4:51 pm CST

Lost my entire Family

I have lost the entire family I grew up in. When I parents divorced 20 years ago, I was 40yo. They both got so self absorbed in their "new" lives, that neither had much to do with me. I've been married for 18 years now, and have two daughters. Over time, it's just been easier for everyone not to acknowlege each other. My mother's family doesn't include us in anything. In fact, she remarried a few years ago, and although we were invited, we were the only ones that didn't have seating at the sit down reception. I decided that day to just let her go her way, and not keep trying to maintain any sort of relationship with her...It only leaves me hurt and angry.

My father's family is even more screwed up. My grandfather on his side passed away a week ago, they didn't even have any sort of ceremony marking his life. I'm not even sure my father knows his Dad passed away. None of us have heard from my Dad in years.

Today, this has left me feeling so lost and abandoned at the age of 40! I am trying not to let any of this bother me, for the sake of my own wife and daughters. I don't want to bring them down. I am writing this here, because I don't know where to vent. I've tried counseling, and the best we could come up with was that sometimes it's best to walk away from something that hurts so much. Every now and then something surfaces, and all the feeling of hurt and anger that I have been cheated out of my past come back to me in full force...this time, it's been the death of my Grandfather. 

 
First | Prev | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Next | Last