Topic : Physically Challenged Adults Support

tRIME AS

 

TIME FLIES

IT’S WORSE, MUCH WORSE.

I’M SORRY PEOPLE, I KNOW MANY OF YOU ARE IN PAIN. DAMMIT.

WHAT AM I TO DO?

I Have failed at every thing.

I have succeeded at nothing.

I have begged friends, relatives, business, organizations, yada ya da yadu,,,,blah hlah blah.

Who gives a damn about me?

Our society, our systems have failed me miserably. They are all pathetic.

Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic.

The rich, the government, my friends.

My church. My family, Dr, Guru of the mindless.

Mindless, that’s what I am.

No purpose in life.

 

I’m on a sinking ship. Many extravagant vessels have passed me by, watching me trying to save my sinking ship.

Many common folk, cruising along in the nice boats, hearing me scream for help.

Many vessels of fishermen, businessmen, clergymen,

Small boats, large boars, mammoth cruise ships….

All laughing, eating, drinking, having a merry ole time.

Comfortable beds. Nice cars, spending money like it is nothing.

Gold jewelry, fine china, arts, mansions,

“Men of God” Men of medicine. Men of high social status,

Men of middle class status.

Starving for the crumbs, the water of hydration to my sanity.

Beneath the roofs of nature.

Unable to take care of myself.

No one to turn to.

Messages broadcasted wide and loud, go unheard.

May day. May day.

My ship is sinking, who the hell is going to help me?

Blown away.

Down and out.

Bottom of the pit,.rock bottom

Ashamed, demoralized, humiliated, starved, deprived, disregarded.

It’s plain to see, NOT ONE SOUL GIVES A DAMN.

I’ll be ok..under the big roof of blue, and turns black at night.

I’ll find what I need, black days, dark nights, cold, rejected and despised.

Until tomorrow, let the sun ruse again dear god, Give me one nice day.

Hey, hey,,,,I’m away.

 

 

 

...HI YA'LL

Here I am in my world, and there you are in your's.

All is fine and well, no one knows of the hell,

that you and I experience and tolerate.

 

What does this all mean? 

I'm right and you are wrong.

I believe this, you believe that.

I did this and you did that.

I went here and you went there.

 

My culture teaches that I am right, the things I believe.

So I judge you, and although your culture teaches you the same.

I still maintain that you can't be right, for it is written in the books.

But you have different books that teach you something else.

 

I stepped out from the norm, formed my own opinions,

I was rejected by my culture and my people.

I saw thing differently than even my own.

A brand new revelation.

 

They taught me that it was wrong to listen to the music.

John said some things he shouldn't have said.

But John was independently minded, open minded, and probably on drugs.

At least that's what I have heard.

 

So does this make John a demon?  Does this make his less important?

Does this mean that God doesn't love John anymore, just because he made mistakes?

Don't we all make mistakes?  Didn't John seek out his spirituality despite the words he said?

Does this make him wrong?  We look at his faults, not his heart, not his good.

 

So judge me.  I am wrong, I crossed the line, I denied my cultures beliefs.

So am I bad like John?  Did I fall from grace?

Am am doomed to demoralization?  Am I less of a man?

Judge not lest ye be judged.

 

Don't' we all experience doubts in our lives?

Does this mean we are evil?

Are we judged by our actions or our heart?

Judge me, tell me what you think.

 

Am I evil, or am I destined for hell?

Do you know what I feel?  Do you understand my rational?

Am I less fortunate than you?

Am I less than you?

 

We journey through this life clinging to to our own beliefs, hopes and dreams.

When the hopes and dreams of our past are not reality in our today,

What did we do wrong?  Why am I like I am?

Why do you ignore me when I am in the despairs and darkness of a phase in my life that I don't understand?  Why do you avoid me when I am at my worse?

 

And why do you acknowledge me when I am at my best?  I am the same person either way.

Whether I'm up or down, happy or sad.  Confident or confused.  I'm still the same man.

 

That's OK.  Encourage me not.  Embrace me not, for you see, I am just a man.

So when a man is down, is this what we do; ignore him, avoid him, pretend he isn't there?

Do you lose faith just because a man is dealing with tragedies in his own life?

Are you right and I am wrong?

 

If you pass a man on the street and he is kind, appears normal, and kind, acting out the normal functions of a man, then do you stop and say hello?

If the same man is sitting on a bench, confused, in pain, hungry, distraught, desperate for answers, do you look the other way?

 

We are all different.  But all the same.  We all believe in something.

We all have a cause, a purpose.

But if a man is having troubles identifying with his self, is  his self worth any less.

 

Does self matters apply to me only when I am well?

Does self matters mean that I matter only if I act or speak a certain way?

Am I an eye sore for this message board?

Do I bring discomfort to your mind?

Do I turn you away because I am down and out?

 

If this is the only way I know to express myself, then does this make me a bad person?

Is it wrong to hurt?  Is wrong to be different?  Is it wrong to be me?

 

I feel that I am a reject, a nobody, time is devouring my heart and soul.

Friends become strangers when I am in need.

Is this the way we are as people.

If I said, Oh I'm happy, everything is well, how are you, blah, blah, blah, the are you my friend?

 

But when I dive into the deep clouds of emotional turmoil and despair; doubting myself, and hanging on to the promises of life, joy and happiness, but slipping deeper and deeper into the darkness, then do I become a stranger to you?

 

My needs aren't important.

My troubles are mind to bear alone.

My way of dealing with my confusion, pain and despair are not what one would expect,

So this makes me inadequate and unworthy to be a person.

This makes me a lost cause, a man not worth feeling life.

 

Will you understand one day?  Will they ever listen?

what will it take to be accepted as me?

As I stand on the edge of the cliff of life, looking down at the great fall,

Is this the time to walk away, when there's little hope left for my life.

 

On a path to certain self destruction, let me go.  I would be one less to worry about.

I try to set my soul free from this turmoil and seemingly hopeless case of what we call life.

One more bites the dust.  Doesn't really matter, now does it?

I'm not concerned, nor do I care.  My time will come.

 

Who will cry for me?  No one I hope.  I have been reduced to a mere group of molecules, atoms, flesh, blood, failing in all things.

 

How I wish I had those old feelings, those hopes and dreams for tomorrow.

But tomorrow may never come.  This is not important.  There's noting special about me.

So I lay down my honor and dignity.

I give up my token of self worth, and importance in this life.

 

Let the breeze blow upon my body, telling me stories of truth, defiance and deceptions.

Let the eagle cry, and take flight over the majestic landscape of God's earth.

Oh, great bird of majestic beauty and exaltation, you are awe inspiring to many.

When you spread your wings and take to flight, no one knows where you might go.

 

Let you beauty and graceful flight be one of honor and recognition for all to see.

While I quietly bow my head, and think of the things I used to believe in,

Realizing this is my life, my ways, with the dreams all gone,

The hopes all diminished.

The reality dominating my soul.

My existence isn't relevant to the symphony of this life.

 

I play another tune, sing a different song, therefore, not to fit in.

My instrument is rusted and obsolete.

My songs are not heard, not a part of the grand scheme.

 

It's all mysterious; the things that used to be in black and white have faded to nuances, shades of gray that all run together on the canvas of my life.  No clear delineations of the portrait.

No clear picture of my life as it once was very clear.

No one who can see the vivid colors of hope, excitement and dreams that once covered the canvas, and my brushes painted a bright and hopeful future.

 

Now, all the colors have blended into one mass of gray, no definitions, no clear picture.

Where did the colors of life go?  Where did the vivid dreams of happiness and hope go?

How did they all fade to a life of hopelessness, helplessness, and absolute annihilation of all portraits of life as I once knew it?

 

Bleeding hearts are hungry for truth.

Wretched souls are thirsty for life.

Defeated minds are searching for answers.

People who are different are searching for a place in this life.

 

But as time goes by, and the pieces of the puzzle fall into place, one by one;

And soon it is obvious that my piece has no place in the puzzle. what does this mean?

Patiently waiting for years on end to find my place in this puzzle of life, only to realize that I have wasted all of these years waiting for my chance to fit in, and at the end, there is not one place for my life in this giant puzzle of life.

 

Again, this is NOT a suicide note,  Yes, I think of death daily. 

NO, I DO NOT PLAN TO END MY LIFE.  NATURE WILL TAKE IT'S COURSE, AND WHAT'S LEFT OF ME, FEEBLE AND DEFEATED, SHALL YIELD TO THE OVERBEARING STRENGTHS OF LIFE'S CHALLENGES, AND MY TIME WILL COME, WHEN THE LORD SEES FIT.

 

All and All, I have no place to go, no one to see, no avenues left to explore. 

So I sit and wait for my time to come.

I shall be a part of something on the other side. 

A place that has a reserved slot for my piece of the puzzle on the other side.

 

So I shall not despair, I shall continue to deal with these demons of torture, this life of disappointments, this person who I have become; how, I do not know.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  TRUE STORY, THE KINGDOM THAT CRUSHED MY LIFE

I don't know what this poem is about!
I just came here to release a shout!
I'm tired of the way life is treating me.
Might as well hang me from the old oak tree.

Hush,,shhhh, life be still, there's a time to live and a time to kill.  There's a time for sorrow, a time for defeat, a time for ridicule, a time for free speech!

Why doth the man who travels long, and works hard, fall into deep despair, given on regard; to his health, happiness, humanity or suffering.

There exists an evil, in the corporate world, with men of great riches, chasing the golden pearl.  They use you, and abuse you, then when you are worn to frail.  They kick you away, beat you down, they can all go to hell.

The lie and cheat, to hurt an innocent man.  Then control your destiny every way they can.  With their billions they play a game with my soul, but I'm broken and shattered, and living in a hole.

No sunlight, no hope, no easy way out.  Destined for destruction, they will see that without a doubt.  That I intone to fail miserably, despite my disease, they go home to their warm comfy home and watch their big T.V.

The didn't care then, they didn't care now, I was just a work horse, they managed to wear out.  They conspire with their experts to stomp me in the ground.  I am in pain every day because they took me down.  With their powerful kingdom, pledged to humanity and resolve, they defy their own rules of humanity, They are hypocrites of the highest degree.

I follow the Words of God, Love thine enemy.  I've tried more than once to mend any doubts.  They refuse to acknowledge me, and people I thought were friends, bow down to the wishes of the mighty empire.

They crushed my body, they laughed in my face, they even named a god after me, to further humiliate and disgrace.  So I told them one last time, I tried to make peace, and it's up to you.  But if you feel I am dirt and scum ss before, reject my offer of peace.

This story is true, a ruthless and inhumane kingdom, beaten me to a pulp.  They threatened my life, I tell no lie, they vowed to annihilate my life.  No regards for pain and suffering, no concern for my deep despair.  Even now they are rude and unconcerned, hateful cruel and proud.

Their commitment to press me deeper, in the mud pits of despair, they relent not to their promise, to leave me to die, without a care.  Nazis is the best way I can describe, their ways of endless torture, and laughing at my demise.

So let me be clear, you men of spiteful and greed.  Your day will when you face the Lord, you will pay for all you deeds.

I tell no lie, My suffering is the cause of them.  I have been trodden down, like a beast, like a Jew as did Hitler.  They are even more evil than the third Reich.  Torture, torment, they are proud of their defeat.

Yes, I am defeated, with no one to take my side.  This company is sinister, evil, full of selfish pride.  They prevent me from working by defaming my name.  Hundreds of potential employers, turned me away.  For the Kingdom of Lafarge, they had it their way.

Depression; Fibromyalgia; periphail neuropothy, or neve damage to nerves that control motor functions/

 

Paralyzed in the mornings, severe pain and muscle tightness, daily.

 

A STONE'S THROW FROM MISERY

I look outside and what do I see? The bare limbs of the Oaks and Sweet gums; the apple trees, and the peach trees. They all appear to be dead. But the evergreens now hove their moment to stand out, be noticed, and fill the voids of a wintry atmospheres; cold, dark and dreary.

The leaves have died, all over the ground. A process of nature I do not understand. Yes I know they provide top soil and such, but they were so beautiful when they were attached.

As doth my soul, it dies, and again is reborn. Obvious for all to witness. Appearing that I have died, my limbs of hope are bare, my branches of production have lost their grip. On the leaves of my soul, my appearance has been altered. But not by season, only when they falter.

I cannot hold on to the leaves of my being, that make up the whole me, the real me, the alive me. They fall as they may, and occasionally return. They shine only for a short time, then they fall to my feet. More often than not doest my soul endure this despair. And it's only on occasion that my leaves do my branches bear.

I watch the ever greens, productive days on end. But the pains I endure determine when mine will end. My roots are rotten, my core eroding. Each year I grow weaker, soon my life will be broken.

I began to lose control many years ago. Can't hold onto to the leaves, during Spring or the bitter snow. Yes I blame the world for my bitterness and hurt; for they understand not now badly I hurt.

Pains jabbing in my neck, like a serrated knife; my body feels beaten daily, like a stick of device. If one or the other, I probably could stand. But the mind and the body attacks this dreadful man.

Sinking slowly in the agony, no place to run and hide , JUST A STONE'S THROW FROM MISERY IS THE PLACE WHERE I RESIDE. Across the river of doubt, you can find me there, But you must cross the forbidden mountains, to find my home of deep despair.

It's useless to tell you; for help you cannot give . I will drown in my pity, with no rescue team to find me, to allow me to live. A shell is my hide out, a song is my prayer, O Lord don't let me suffer, you are the only one who cares.

Take me away to that land of promised hope. just please don't leave me hanging here at the end of this rope. Save me or let me fall, the pain is just too much. Give me hope or give me death, I just need you gentle touch.

If only you would let me, I would rise above this cliff, and walk on solid ground once more, all my burdens you would lift. A sign, a glimmer of hope, is all I need to survive. But I've been waiting for years on end for my soul to be revived.

IF YOU READ THIS MY FRIEND, I NEED A HELPING HAND. LORD, LET SOMEONE HEAR ME, AND BY MY SIDE TO STAND. FOR A REASON, A PURPOSE, THE STRENGTH TO CARRY ON. YES I HAVE TRULY DETERMINED THAT I AM ON MY OWN

Hi folks,

 

I'm new to this group of DR Phil's message boards.  I'm physically challenged too.  I live in FL, but originally from PA..  I'm 49, divorced, with two grown sons, one in PA and his family (a wife & 2 babies ) and one son in NY.  I moved here a year ago, for health reasons.  I miss the family so, though.

 

 I know is sucks.  But what can we do but live one day at a  time.  It just does not help when government, society and the medical profession kicks us in the teeth, and don't rightly give a darn!  It puts us in the middle of a locked trunk with no key.

 

Anyhow maybe one day things will be brighter and one day someone cares and gives us they key!  Then one day  one of us may be able to give someone a key. 

 

That is one thing my father was good at, being considerate, kind and always doing a kind deed.  He said to never stop doing that,  that one day someone will returm a favor.  I remember him saying that as we were leaving a football game and there was a long line of cars going one way and a long line behind us. We had to cross paths, so dad being the person he was lef the other guy at the front of the line go,  There was other times when he'd give up a parking spot.  Mom said, what did ya let him go for you had the right of way.  Then that is when he said that.  He had said it at more crucial things too.  It's hard to find many folks like that.  Anymore it's hooray for me and ta heck with you! 

 

Just like the Medical profession, as long as they can make the bucks, piss on the patients.  And if you only have SSI/Medicaid, forget it, most won't touch ya.  They don't look at the reasons your on it for, they don't care!  At least that is what I have found. 

 

I need back surgery, and I have a bad heart and I desperatly need to lose weight, but they all fight each other as I am sure some of you know!   Also cannot find any specialist  in the state of FL to take Medicaid.  Except  I did find a Cardiologist and an Electro-Cardiologist.  So see there are a few, very few,  kind specialists, just they are far and few between.

 

Anyhow I wish you all the best, and may your key arrive soon!

 

Love,

Deb

Hey Deb...my name's Becky, I live in Oklahoma though I'm originally from Texas. I'll be 49 in march, and I have 4 kids. Like yourself, I have a bad back. Well, actually that's an understatement. Even my doctor is astounded at how bad it is for my age. I had a rough go of it years ago, until I found a doctor who wasn't afraid to thumb his nose at the DEA and prescribe me what would get me on my feet again. I was suicidal before that happened. He literally gave me my life back. I'm with a new doctor now, a female...very respected. And she's continued with my therapy, since it's about my quality of life...and the fact that I can not and will not ever be "fixed". I'm on disability, and have been since I was 38. I also had a heart attack (stress related, don't tell ME that stress can kill, lol!!) when I was 41. I had my last child at 42, the light and joy of my life. Was married over 20 years, the father of all 4 of my kids. Long story there...but it's history now.

Anyway...welcome. I haven't hung around here too much, just thought I'd pop in when I saw your post. Immediately I recognized someone who has been where I've been, and currently where I'm at as well.

One day at a time, one step at a time. Some days, one breath at a time......*hugs* Becky

I have read several of your posts. I don't know what to say, and that's doing something. I am sorry. I am truly sorry that you have had the situations thrust upon you that caused you to feel the way you do. I am but  a mere mortal myself, I have no magic cure, no magic words, no magic bullet. All I have is validation for your feelings. I hear you. I really, truly hear you. And I sympathize. That's not to say that I feel sorry FOR you...I just hurt b/c you're hurting. I just wanted you to know.........

Hi Becky!

 

Nice to meet you and to hear from others like me.  It's rough.  I hate being on SSI and Mediciad!  IF I can ever get thing under better control and pain bearable, I want to one day get back into the work force and be a tax paying citizen again.  It's very demeaning being on SSI .  People like to think we are just lazy.  I'd like to know what the doctors feel we arre to do, roll over and croack?  I don't think so, I want to be able to go north to see my grandbabies! It's bad enough they had my grandsons baptism yesterday, and they never even let me know they were having it!  I called my son to visit, and he was saying he had to go, to get around for Alex's baptism.  They couldn't wait until we (my bf and I) go back up north in the May  for the summer!  Anyhow that is another story

 

I also once have tried suicide,  about 7 years ago, but not due to my health, from going through a divorce.  Where was DR. Phil back when I was married? LOL  I think he could of saved our marraige!  We both was being stubborn. But we are at least friends now. That is another story.

 

To get back on track here.  My heart, I've had CHF and Atrial fib.  I've had a few cardio conversions and an ablation.  I am crossing my fingers, since the last conversion last June,  it's stayed normal.  But it is getting the time of year it usually goes back into Atrial fib.  I don't think the time of year has anything to do with it. But, it's just the way it has worked for me. 

 

Man we both have had the bad stuff at a relatively young age!!!  It would be nice if we could do like they do with automobiles when the bodies bad , but the insides are good they just replace the bodies and visa versa. lol

 

With my back I have degenerative disk disease, which causes siatica,  and then the rest of me has rheumatoid arthritis.

 

I go to get started on pain management on friday, since there are no neurosurgeons in state of FL that takes medicaid.  With my heart I do not know what they can do for me, but will see.

 

I'm glad you dropped a line.  I was starting to think that no one came to the message boards as much anymore.  I'm glad to know someone is out there!

 

Hugs,

Deb