Topic : Infidelity

Maybe one day you will understand why this happens and what to look for when it comes around. Some of us react this way when hit with our mortality. Maybe it's triggered by the death of our parents, friends, or we are diagnosed with a serious illness. The feeling of being short-changed or of time running out is very real. It shows up mostly in men who feel that they have missed out on something in life, but you see it in women also.

The difference in those that act out impulsively and those that don't is their level of maturity.

I don't look at getting older as a bad thing.  So many never get the opportunity to experience getting older and there are many good things.  But if people like my husband would have talked to someone as to how he was feeling, he wouldn't be a 52 year old man living with "Mommy and Daddy"and his children not having anything to do with him.  It just doesn't seem fair that we were just getting to a point in our married life that we could enjoy going and doing things together.  And he gets to make the decisions that will change all of our lives forever.  I will now have to leave what I have loved for the past 28 years and do things that were not a part of what I had wanted for the rest of my life, he got to make that choice, I didn't even get a voice in that decision.  I have to admit I guess I knew how self-centered he was, I just didn't want to acknowledge it.  We lived in the house that he chose, we went on the vacations that he planned, we drove the vehicles he wanted, and he made the decision to have an internet affair and when caught went running home to his parents.

The choices that he has made will probably make him a very lonely old man.  His wife is going on without him and his children do not know the man that used to be their dad.  He has already missed out on so much that our two children are experiencing.   As they have stated the man that used to be their dad is dead and they haven't a clue as to who the man is that he has become.  I don't like the man he has become.  He has selfishly destroyed the relationship between his children and  his parents.  And the sad thing is, he does not seem to care.   And it so true what you said about the difference in those that act out impulsively and those that don't is their level of maturity.  All he thought of was himself, he didn't have a care about those that were left in his wake.   And frankly, he did not give a care about the old girlfriend, because at one point, she was trying to resolve her problems and get back with her second husband.  He got to make decisions that would change all of our lives forever.

When he left he took material things, that must have been all that was important to him at this stage in his life.  But he also took my adult children's social security cards and birth certificates and all the titles to our vehicles.  My daughter went and forced him to return all of that, but all he can say is that he doesn't know why he took that stuff.  He has only called me once since the "nasty lunch meeting" and he just wanted all his "stuff" from before we were married.  He said that the lawyer told him he could have that.  Well, I don't believe that he has seen a lawyer, he is listening to co-workers that have been divorced.  Well, I did find some 28 year old stuff that wasn't worth the hassle and took it to him.  And he hasn't bothered me since he got his "stuff".  I even gave him all the romantic cards that I had saved from him over the years, they mean nothing now, they are all full of lies.  He has left me with all the responsibilities of our home, the bills, everything, plus trying to get my act together and leave him in the dust..  He is living with his parents, going to work, running around with his cousins, fishing, going to concerts, and travelling.  He wants me to get a job outside of the home, go to school and take care of the house.

He has not called once in four months to see how anything was going.  I wonder what he would have done had I done this to him.  What would his parents thought of me?  Would they have supported my decision to walk out on him and our family?  He and his internet girlfriend can have each other.  They both really deserve each other, they are so self-centered.  She can have him for the next thirty years with all his medical and attitude problems.  He is getting old and he is not getting any better that's for sure.  He is still not happy after living with his parents for four months.  He has found out that they do not have the relationship that he thought they did.  It ranges on emotional abuse.  He wanted me to be more like his mother.  She can't even put gas in her car and her husband takes her to a hairdresser three blocks away and then picks her up after the appointment.  He takes her everywhere.  It is a good thing I was not anything like his mother, because by now they probably would have put me away.  I do have a part-time job, enrolled in some college classes for this fall and we will see where this goes.  I am still open as what to do with the rest of my life.  My kids and I are starting to plan a vacation for just us when this is at a better place and I don't have to be concerned about the financial end of things.  I will be good to me!  He doesn't even know me anymore or have a clue as to the person I am.  He is stuck in his fantasy.  He has lost the most important things ;  that is the trust that his children and his wife once had in him.  That is lost forever. Thank you for being supportive of me, I appreciate it. 

I completely agree with you, the things that truly matter in this world are our sense of self regard, the ones we love, and their regard for us. Your husband is working overtime to make sure that he won't like himself in the end, and nobody will care.

You take care of yourself and keep your chin up. Your priorities are straight.

I must admit your advice has made me think very long and hard about my decision and you really hit home.

Thanks

Just remember, action always speaks louder than words. No matter what you're husband says, if he's not backing up his promises to you with right action, it's just empty gestures.

OK. It's a long front story but the bottom line is my husband left me for about 3 months 2 years ago. He had a "girlfriend" for those months. Back up 11 years when hubby and I met. He was a virgin.  This new girlfriend was the second person he slept with. We decided to go through with the divorce, but wanted to work on a new relationship.  From Dec 2006 to April 2007 we split up and got back together too many times to count. Actually, it was like 4 times. Anyway, finally in April we decided to get down and dirty and really work on the relationship. We moved back in together to a different and cheaper home in Jan 2008. Two weeks later I decided I wanted it to be over. He got a new place and we were talking to each other still but also to other people. He had a fling for a weekend in Feb.  Right after that we decided, yet again, that we wanted to be together. Today, we are happily living together and have a good relationship. Communication is good. Our intimate relationship is better than it has ever been and we are thinking about getting remarried sometime along the way.

Ok. So here's the problem. I cannot seem to get past the "relationships" he had when we weren't together. He technically did nothing wrong. We weren't together. I also had my trists when we were apart. But, no matter what he says, to me or about them, I feel angry and upset. It affects all I do. Not to mention that even simple things remind me of it. Like seeing certain cars, hearing certain songs, or doing certain things.  I just want some advice for letting go of this. My exhusband/boyfriend and I are sick of thinking and hearing about it.

You say you had your own flings while you two were apart and I am wondering why he needs forgiveness from you? Has he forgiven you?

I find that it takes giving forgiveness in order to receive it. You say he technically did nothing wrong and then state you are angry. Is he angry with you for your flings?

How can you hang on to something he had done and so easily let go of what you did? This appears to be very hypocrital in my opinion.

Letting go begins with forgiveness and the mutual effort of both partners to work through this. Do you two have the desire and hard work to continue on together?

It sounds to me like you two want to be together, but don't know how. When things get the least bit rocky, you both split up. Then you decide to get back together.

I think that YOU don't feel safe and secure, that yet again you two might split  up for good. It's gets harder and more uncertain the older you get doesn't it?

After all the splits and reconciliations, can you both agree that you want to be together? Can you both agree that maybe there's something you can learn to do things differently next time? You have to admit, splitting up just doesn't work for you does it?

Make a commitment to each other and your relationship first by agreeing to take splitting up out of the equation next time either of you are tempted to go that route. Just take it off the table as an option.

Then explore ways to handle your differences. Leave no stone unturned, counseling, books, support groups, whatever you can avail yourselves of. Sometimes the answers come in the strangest of places so decide to be open to all input. But most importantly, cultivate a spirit of willingness to search for the answers that you need.