Topic : Infidelity

The communication process and forgiveness process was started when we became 100% honest with each other back in Feb 2008. My problem is more mental.  I am not being able to stop thinking about his trists. And yes, He also has problems with mine. I am just more voicturous about it think.

We both want to be together. It's just I am having trouble getting rid it more then letting it go. If that make any sense.

That's what I'm here for. You will have bad days, nobody can guarantee that you won't. But as for the control thing, don't let your frustrations get away with you. Look for solutions to some of the problems you are faced with. For instance, is there anybody else that can take some of the load off your shoulders? Why do you have to do all of your old chores, plus all of his, plus deal with a new job? If you are a bit of a perfectionist, learn how to delegate and let someone else take over, even if they don't do it the way you would have. Who knows, you may give someone else the chance to shine? Or consider helping out a teenager in the community with a job taking care of the yard for you. You may have to do a little touch up afterwards, but let them do the heavy stuff.

And then there's the consideration of selling the house. If you stand to get some money out of it you could get into a place that is easier to maintain. Face it, if you're going to school and working you won't have time to care for all the things a house needs.

Get some leverage on your husband legally. If that means divorcing him, at least you will have legal recourse to child support before he ruins himself financially.

I guess what I'm saying is that when you feel that somebody else has control, that's the time to TAKE CONTROL.

And here's a little hint, the more in contol you are, the more unhappy he will be.

I guess my problem is that I am still trying to do all the things that I did as a work-at-home mom.  I have never been in control of anything, even though I was accused of that.  I am not sure on how to handle being in control.  I have two great kids that are always helping me to all the things that need to be done.  The problem is that the husband left so much to be done, that we just assumed he was carrying his load.  But since he has left we have found that the deck sealer was hid in the garage, never opened.  We are just finding all kinds of things that needed to be done by him that he didn't have time to do since he was always running to the computer to have "amazing conversation" with his internet relationship. 

As for hiring someone, that won't happen since the funds are so tight.  As for a perfectionist, I am a long way from that.  I have a dog and three cats, so you can't be a perfectionist.  He was the perfectionist, nothing was ever good enough unless it was his idea.  If I did something on my own, something was always wrong.   I looking at getting a smaller residence, when the divorce is final.  But for now, I have to keep telling myself, I am not living the life I have loved for so long.  I have been abandoned and I will victor, not a victim.  But for now, I will try to do only what I can do.  I will eventually get more in control.  Thanks for the hint!  I will keep that one!

Hello, Everybody.

      Another poster named juball referred me to this message board because she felt like I could get some better advice here than on the "Divorce Support" message board.  This message is originally posted under the title of "I can't afford a divorce" on that board.  She said that a poster by the name of ritehere would be a particularly helpful individual, so if you happen to read this, ritehere, I'm all yours and I thank you in advance.  Here is the original message: 

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Hello Everybody.

     My name is Tracy and I live in SC.  I have other posts on these boards about adoption.  I'm eight months pregnant and have made a good adoption plan for this child.

     I really don't want to talk a lot about this because to tell you the truth, I've talked enough with people in real life already and i'm tired of it.  Long story short:  My husband was verbally and emotionally abusive (emot. in that he quit having sex with me), so I started cheating on him.  I was sleeping around but until Oct. of last year I couldn't find a guy who would "stay around," if you know what I mean.  I just found out Monday night that he's been doing the same thing, starting in May of last year and has kept it from me all this time.  This woman IS interested in being his wife and they have expressed their love to each other.  They were on the phone with each other 6 times yesterday.  She lives in Wisconsin, 1200 miles from here.

      I was/am moderately in love with the man who could be the father of this baby, but I'm not a homewrecker.  I understand that my "boyfriend" is not going anywhere and that his long-term GF and kids are completely dependent on him.  I have tried to break it off with him a few times, but when it's good and you feel as bad as I do, it's hard.  Once I'm not pregnant anymore I'll have new and harsher motivation to finally tell him "no." 

     So here is the jist of the story.  I want out of this house.  Now.  But, my husband and I are in SO much debt that we cannot afford two households right now.  So I have to look at him every night knowing that without a doubt his heart (and his d***) belong to somebody else.  When this divorce is complete (like three years from now - what you wanna bet?) I will be alone.  I'll be alone and HE WILL BE HAPPY!!!  I'm so mad about this I could spit.  Nighttime is the worst.  I look at him, sitting on the couch, apathetic, but completely satisfied with his personal life and the way things are going for him, and I just cry.  I have cried maybe three of the five nights that I've known.  It's going on a week that I've known about this.  And his sorry family and friends have kept it from me too, on top of that.  He's going on a trip next week with a stop in Green Bay, so you know he'll be getting some when he goes up there while here I am with our child and 8 months pregnant.

     Is there anything I can do to just get away from him even though I clearly cannot afford it?  Please help me.  Thanks.

Tracy

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Thanks again for your time and attention.

Tracy

New here. Please help me! I have found out that my fiance has been having what I'd consider emotional affairs.  From the day I met him, I knew he was a flirty outgoing man with lots of female friends.  I chose to date him anyway.  He has done a lot of stuff wrong, most of what he has "corrected"-chatting with girls on MSN, hitting on girls on websites, and even deleted about half of the girls out of his phone. 

However, I have just found out that he has been talking to 3 girls behind my back and lying about it.  One, his most recent ex that we had already AGREED that he would no longer talk to. Another, an old "friend" he just happened to get back in touch with and not tell me about.  And the 3rd, the worst-A girl he met in a bar about 6 months before me. She was with her husband and slipped my fiance her phone number.  He claims to have never called her, but they found each other on myspace.com and became phone "buddies" after that.  He lied about all 3 of these girls a number of times.  He had the 2nd girl listed as a guy in his phone!!!

What do I do? He claims he had to lie about it because he knew we'd fight about it forever because I am so jealous. Which, does have truth, I am very jealous, but still, he CHOSE to lie! 

He has become an open book since the discovery. I now have full access to his phone records, email, etc.  Boy, after he gave me his phone records and I came to realize how much he talked to the married woman, I became irate!

Any advice?? Is there any hope of fixing this relationship or is he just so disrespectful of me that it will never work? What made those girls "worth it" to potentially lose me over?

I will have to thank Juballl next time I run into him.

First thing, when I read your username- crazytracy- I wondered why you chose it. I think I have an idea after reading your post!

My best advice is to SLOW DOWN! There's nothing wrong with having a busy fun-filled life, but yours sounds chaotic, unplanned, and dangerous. You are reeling from one bad mistake to another, and can barely keep up with the messes you are getting yourself into.

Now before you write me off as some judgmental hack giving you a lecture, consider what you have done, and where you are headed:

1. You married a guy, then found out he was verbally and emotionally abusive. We all make mistakes, especially when we are young. When we are attracted to somebody we tend to put our best faces on, but as the relationship gets comfortable, we show our true colors. At this point, the couple should begin working on communication and keeping the relationship exciting. Or, if it's a true mistake and you are not good with each other, get a divorce.

2. You both got heavily into debt. Again, you were in the company of many when you made this mistake. Debt is one of the biggest problems we face in a marriage. Sometimes one person is a big spender, or maybe both. It can be worked out though, but both have to be willing to work on it together. Did you seek help for either of your first 2 mistakes? Counseling perhaps? Advice from family?

3. When your husband cut you off sexually, you just decided you would sleep around. Why? You said that you "couldn't find a guy who would 'stay around', if you know what I mean."  You're married, why would another man "stay around"?  And I'm not belittling you or casting judgment, please don't think that. I want you to think about this from the viewpoint of the men you slept around with. Why would they want anything more than what they got from you? You sold yourself cheaply, and they got what they paid for. As for what you got out of the deal, it could have been worse than a child. You could have been the lucky recipient of a disease.  What were you thinking?

4. The man you are currently interested in, who you say MIGHT be the father of the child you bare, is committed to another woman and has children with her. If he's living with her and has children with her, he is married. You say you are not a home wrecker, and that you've tried to break it off with him, but that when you "feel as bad as you do, it's hard." Why do you think it's going to be easier when you're not pregnant anymore? From what you say, he has let you know that he is NOT leaving his wife, so again, you're just a sideline. I'm asking you, what is so great about a guy that cheats on his wife and kids and why do you sell yourself so cheaply?

5. You have found out that your husband is cheating on you, and that's probably why he cut you off sexually. You are jealous of him and making up all kinds of scenarios in your head telling yourself that divorce will take 3 years and you will end up alone while he is happy with somebody else.

Did I get this down correctly? What I see is somebody who is desperately searching for another to solve all of her problems, take care of her, and "make her happy."  Nobody can make you happy, it's a decision and an action that only you can take. In order to be happy and live your best life, you need to start looking out for yourself and making better decisions.

How do you do that?

First of all, if I were you, I would be completely honest with yourself and decide what YOU want. If you want a divorce, then look into it. They are not that expensive if both parties want it and it isn't contested. Stop waiting around for somebody else to take it out of your hands and do it for you, that's not likely to happen. If you want to stay married, then tell your husband that and ask to get some counseling together. Don't look for some other guy to solve your problems and whisk you away from here, knights in shining armour are a myth. The men you are turning to will only keep using you because you allow this to happen. They are not going to make you feel better about yourself, the exhileration of illicit sex is fleeting, but the self hate goes on and on and on.

When you begin thinking better of yourself, and acting like you think highly of yourself, then and only then, will others do so.

I admire you for taking the time and effort to have your baby adopted. It's a difficult and gut-wrenching choice to make, but if you're not ready to be a mother, it can be a good choice for you and the baby.

Look at this as a wake-up call and take care that you aren't faced with this choice again in the future.

Come back and let us know how you are doing.

It's possible that he just doesn't believe in true love and monogamy. He might have a strong faith in keeping his options open in case you dump him. Maybe he was brought up in a home where infidelity was the norm. Who knows?

I think there is hope of making an honest relationship with him. In order for this to happen he needs to show a willingness to be honest and open, which he has. This is a very good sign.

In order to understand why he thinks it was OK to keep all these other women stringing along, I would suggest counseling. Until you are sure that you both are in agreement of how you expect each other to behave, I would postpone the wedding indefinitely. Marriage doesn't change current behavior and it's better to be sure of what you're getting into BEFORE you sign the papers.

Hello, there.

      Thank you very much for responding to my post.  Everything you said was true, but I wanted to answer a few of your questions.  Yes, we have tried counseling.  The last two counselors we saw, he had been physically unfaithful at least once and emotionally unfaithful over the telephone on an ongoing basis, but did not tell me or the counselor.  One of the two counselors he refused to go see, it was just me that went to see him.  So here I am spilling my guts while he keeps his mouth locked shut.  How's that for fair?

      You asked me about the debt problem that we have - yes, we have gotten help for that.  It's not the best help you can get because it's a debt settlement company which means 1.)  your debt gets paid off faster - good, but 2.) your credit is ruined until that happens - bad.  We have to pay them every month and our mortgage and my daughter's child care and for gas and groceries and the list goes on and on.  This is why I say that if I wanted a divorce TOMORROW, there is no way I could afford it nor could I live in a place of my own anyway.  I talked to a mediator Monday and he said that a divorce using mediation and a simple court approval would cost $3,000 start to finish.  I don't have $3,000.  I don't have the $200 a month that I'm supposed to be paying on my one credit card and my dad is paying my student loan.  Are you beginning to see just how stuck I am?  I've never felt more stuck in my life! 

      I agree with what you say about making yourself happy is more important (and probably a lot less frustrating) that looking for that happiness from somebody else.  I told my dad that I am scared to death of living alone.  I'm scared that I won't be happy, and if I'm not happy, well then, I am, again, stuck.  It's not like I can just go out into the street somewhere and announce loudly, "HEY!  I need a husband!  Any takers?"  I wish it were that easy.  If it were, then I could improve my situation quickly in the event that I'm not happy alone, see?  

      I just wanted to respond briefly to your post.  You're a busy lady, so I'll stop here and just thank you again for your time and attention.  If I need a good kick in the pants, I'll look up your post again and re-read it.  :-)  And I mean that in a good way.  Have a nice weekend.

Tracy

After all the stuff that my husband removed from our residence including stuff that belonged to his children, my son wanted to change the locks on the doors.  Husband is so cheap that instead of me going out and buying new locks, he handed me over his key to our house.  And he has not been back since that I know of.  I also keep the garage door locked at all times.  He has taken enough from us. 

Also found that he took all of our joint income tax returns back to 2000 and a copy of twelve years of my genealogical research tracing his family line back to great-great grandparents in Germany.  Funny thing, he told me he wanted me quit the genealogy, because it was taking to much time away from us.  So I did.  He went with me to the research centers, the cemeteries, the libaries, etc.  Then he takes a copy of all my research while I was out walking our dog, go figure.  He didn't even know his grandparents when I started this project for our children and he takes my research.  Needless to say, I am back working on it since he has been gone and enjoying it.  And no, he isn't getting the updates.  Like my mother says, "He speaks with a fork tongue."

Yes, I can see why you consider yourself "stuck". It sounds like you are very frustrated and unhappy, and just want out. These things take time though.

Looking back, I see you mentioned that a divorce may take 3 years, I'm guessing this is the length of time it will take to pay off the debt?

And you mention a daughter. Do you two fight in front of her? Is she aware of the desire to get away from each other? How about the lessons she is learning from the both of you? Children are aware of  much more than we give them credit for knowing. 

Perhaps the best place to start is with yourself. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be independant, able to care for yourself and your daughter without relying on a man? Face it, the men you've been hooking up with are not very dependable, to say nothing of being loving or kind.

In order to find a mate that will treat you right and love you the way that you desire, you have to take the time to respect and love yourself.  There are many avenues to gain this sort of self regard. But you have to STOP the behaviors that contribute to your low self esteem and self sabotage.

Make a commitment to yourself and to your daughter. Accept that it may take some time to get where you want to go, but that you will use the time it takes to better yourself so that you don't make the same mistakes again. (The next man you decide to hook up with may "take care" of you in a horrible way! Things could get infinitely worse if you don't wise up.)

Learn a little patience and search for legitimate ways that YOU can work yourself out of your mess sooner. Don't rely on someone else to do it for you. Once you make a decision to take control, your brain will begin thinking in new directions.