Topic : Infidelity

Hello, you two.

      I didn't want to respond with quotes because that takes up a lot of room, and hey - you know what you said right?

Jaimie:  I like what you said about time moving right along whether I choose to make positive changes in my life or not.  It's not something I've thought about before.  It also made me think that if indeed I decide to move in a positive direction, then it really doesn't matter how long it takes.  I also like what you said about "one day at a time."  It doesn't have to all be done today, right?  So, in other words, even if I do one positive thing for myself every day, that can still be considered "moving in a positive direction" even if it takes 80 days to get where I need to be.  (Then when that goal is accomplished, I'll spend another 80 days on something else.  Hee, hee!)

Ritehere:  I like that you don't think I'm a failure.  Of course, when you said that if I felt better about myself I may have picked another man to marry to begin with, that was a "truth hurts" moment.  Truth is, though, I had the sleep-around problem before I got married.  I figured being married may help me in that regard, and it did for a while.  But then the marriage went to hell and I picked up my old habits again.  I guess you could say I got married for all the wrong reasons.  I got married for financial reasons because I was fully convinced that living alone was a way to go broke fast without a second income present.  I was also afraid that it was a fast track to misery, living all by yourself, no one to keep you company, esp. at nighttime.  Now I'm faced with the inevitability of lving alone and having to find a way to make myself and my daughter happy.  I agree with what you said about life sending you the same bad situation over and over again until you finally learn how to deal with it.  I suppose I'm living proof of that now.  I guess learning how to love and  respect yourself is necessary for survival - in the event that you have to live alone.  If I were widowed, I'd be dealing with almost the same situation, so I'll try to think of this as getting this particular life training a bit early. 

To both of you:  I am not dealing with my anger well at all.  I cannot look at  my husband without getting angry.  On top of that I can't stop talking to these other guys.  (So, I'm a hypocrite, I guess.)  One that I'm talking to sends JUST ENOUGH offline messages to me to string me along, and today I "got together" with my (possible) baby's daddy for the usual stuff.  Although, we did talk about the adoption.  It's hard to say no when we are both off work on the same day, and at that it's only one day out of the week.  Once I am able to get pregnant again after this child is born, then I hope it will be easier to say no.  And I will be more able-bodied and can work on my problems with more energy and focus. 

Well, I think it's bedtime.  I hope you both enjoy reading my responses.  Enjoy the rest of your week, too.

Tracy

Since I wrote my story over here I found out more about my husband. He finally admitted of sleeping with about 20 women in the past 9 years. I also found out that it was a lie when he said he only cheated while I was gone (visiting my family). Over the past 10 months since I found out he hasnt done anything like that. I know that for sure. He always calls me and tells me exactly what he is doing. He is trying very hard to make this marriage work. The only thing he doesnt want to do it talk about it. He doesnt want to hear about it anymore. I have to hide my feelings whenever I have one of those days and feel depressed and hopeless. He tells me that I need to get over it. That we have to start over and leave the past behind us. I went to counceling twice and the lady helped me out a lot. But it was just a short term counceling. We live overseas and its kind of hard to get counceling (I am scared it will hurt his military career). So I am trying to deal with it myself. It's just very hard sometimes because I can't talk to him about my feelings because we will start to fight. So I just suck it up. I just dont know how long I can do that. It is still in my head what he has done to me. I still have the pictures in my head him with the other women. I dont know what to do. I hope somebody over here can help me. I just feel so hopeless sometimes. I am so scared that I will be hurt like this again. I am very thankful for any response. And thank you so much for the responses I already received.

I can see that you are having a hard time justifying to yourself why YOU should have to change your ways.

Maybe it would help to think of what your daughter is observing and learning? Would you want her to repeat your mistakes?

If the answer is no, then ask yourself "What kind of a person would I have to be to make sure my daughter has a better shot at making better decisions than I have?"

This is a question I always ask myself when I'm wrapping my head around change of some sort, what sort of person do I need to be?

For instance, I used to be overweight and depressed for several reasons. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. So I asked myself what sort of person do I need to be to have a slim, healthy body and happy, peaceful outlook? The answer was that I needed to be the sort of person that eats healthy foods in sensible portions and is active. I also had to work on liking myself by learning to be more self-confident and true to myself.  Of course, this is the short version, there were many things going on in my life that contributed to the mess my head was in, just as there is in yours. I've had counseling and done extensive soul-searching. I've even had some hypnotherapy. But it was all in pursuit of becoming the person I needed to be. The decision to change comes first. Without the decision, your mind does not work toward finding answers.

That's the beauty and the great secret of living well, we CAN change our minds and become what we need to be to get where we want to go. If we are having troubles learning how to do this, there is help and information in abundance. The only stipulation is that we have to do the work required, we have to initiatie the action.

Dr Phil's first Life Law states that there are those that "get it" and those that don't. Our goal is to be one of the ones that "gets it."

So I'm going to hit you with some questions, and I realize that "hitting" is the appropriate word here because that's what it feels like. And I apologize ahead of time.

1. Past behavior indicates future behavior. With this in mind, do you really think that your husband is going to stop cheating on you just because you now know that he is a cheater?

2. He has admitted to about 20 women he's cheated with in the past. Statistics indicate that most men underestimate when they are confessing to their wives, if there has been a number of other women. And does the actual number really matter at this point? At 20, I consider your husband out to nail anything he can get. He is a serial cheater. Wouldn't you agree?

3. Does he use a condom? Can you trust that he uses one with all these other women? He is putting your life in danger. If you value your health and life, you will cut him off and get to the doctor to be checked out.

4. You are reeling with shock, depressed and feeling hopeless. His response is to tell you that he doesn't want to talk about it or hear about it from you any more. What? You're supposed to stuff it all down like it never happened? Put on a smiley face, hide your feelings, and suck it up? Your his wife, not his slave.

5. You said "He always calls me and tells me exactly what he is doing. He is trying very hard to make this marriage work." So how is this "trying very hard"? I noticed you said that you went to the counselor, not "we."  I don't think he's trying very hard at all. I think he is doing the bare minimum to keep you mum and not make waves or embarrass him. He lost that sort of respect from you about 20 other women ago, didn't he?

Do you have family or friends back home that can take you in if you came back? There's no reason why you should stay there and have to suffer with this by yourself, and put up with keeping your mouth shut about it. Think about it, he's the one who is dispicable, cruel, dishonest, and callous.  Getting away from him will also help you to get real with the situation in your head.

My heartfelt sympathies go out to you at this horrible time in your life. Remember, you are not alone.