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Topic : Infidelity

Number of Replies: 4734
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:02:24 pm
Author : dataimport
Has your partner been unfaithful? Have you been the one to stray? Share your advice and support with others that have experienced infidelity.

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February 6, 2009, 1:54 pm CST

Online cheating???

Ok I am new to this...so I'll get right to the issue. Is flirting and talking dirty to people out of state online considered infidelity? I struggle with this because I recently found that my husband was doing this for over a year before I found out about it. Our relationship of marriage had only been a year old before this started happening. I am so torn by this. I gave him everything I could in our relationship. When I confronted him he said that it was because he was depressed. For a year???!!! I love him but I will always be wondering if he is doing it again and what if he is and  I don't find out for another year or so. I am trying to wipe the slate clean and start fresh but it is so hard when trust has been broken. I think this is also the reason I get so upset when he is online all the time playng war games...even after I go to bed. Any thoughts? Comments? Please, I need to hear it.
 
February 9, 2009, 9:33 am CST

help i need awnsers

My h left almost 4 yrs now and i've been living in the house paying everything...recently i went to a lawyer and we tried to resolve the issues between us and he went and got a collaborative law lawyer...i didn't agree to it because if my ex and I couldn't agree we would have to drop out and get new lawyers....i wasn't comfortable with that....so now he went to get legal aid in ontario and I went to inquire last year and they told me if he contested than I could get help but nothing was in progress to contest...he still isn't served with papers but what if he gets legal aid and I couldn't...where the justice? I am a single mom with three kids i work what hours i can and he gives me $200 every two weeks but all i'm asking him is to get a lawyer so this can be resolved.  I just want whats fair and what i deserve. Its taken along time to get to this point after sleeping with him and he had a gf and another child with....(i'm not proud of it) but was so emotionally attached at the time....I believe his gf doesn't even know about us and it just happened recently but I am done with him. He is trying to not have lawyers involved but I need closure. I'm not sure what to do now my bills are getting behind.
 
February 18, 2009, 5:05 am CST

Sexual Predators in Work Place

Over the course of 3 years I had my grandmother and father die (2 strong influences in my life) and then I was diagnosed with a auto-immune disease to which there is no cure.  A young woman 27 years younger than my husband (same age as our children) knew what our family and especially me was going through but yet she took the information and fed the emotional turmoil of my husband and an affair happened... Not just any affair because my husband became emotional abusive towards me.  For the last three years I have been working to repair our marriage and forgiving my husband.  I know that forgiveness is for me, but yet I can't seem to get over the extreme hatred I have for this young woman for what she has done.  Instead of concentrating on my health...I am repairing a 20-25 year marriage.  There will be many times that something will trigger memories and I freeze and am overcome with the emotions that I went through during this time...the only thing I can manage to do is cry.  This young woman would be estatic if she knew the troubles I was having 3 years later.  How do I tell my mind to let go and move forward?  By the way, 1 month later she destroyed another marriage with 2 young children and is currently living with this man. 

 
March 6, 2009, 8:28 am CST

Infidelity

Quote From: nirivera

I have been married 10 years have 2 kids and love my husband very much. Maybe too much. He hsa never cheated on me that I know of but I think I'm driving him to give up on us. One time 4 years ago he went out with a female friend and I found out. He tried to deny it but i had proof. He said that he didn't tell me because I always think he's having an affair and he did not want a confrontation. Ever since he's been honest about going to lunch with female co-workers and things like that but even when he's honest I get very upset. I've never allowed him to get a phone because of my jealous- I knew it would be one more thing for me to check. I already have daily habit of checking his money, checking account, wallet etc. I finally broke down about 1 week ago and got him the phone and since i could check his usage online i figured I could handle it. Well after a night out with some old co-workers I checked his phone and an ex-coworker put her number in his phone. I'm sure he asked her for it. I got very upset and he threw the phone against the wall and broke it stating that it wasn't worth having if he had to answer to my every question. We had a long talk but now he seems like he loves me but has given up. He says I'll never change and that I need to trust him. The problem is that I know in my heart that he wouldn't jeapardize our family but I feel the need to make sure. I know why i do it, i know i should stop, I just wish someone could teach me exactly how to do that. Is there someone out there that can help? I feel so helpless right now.
I joined a few weeks ago under similar circumstances. I've been searching the message board archives and found a couple of people going through the same thing.  But haven't gotten much advice on how to curb the jealousy and the tendency to snoop. Since its been a couple of years since your post, I'm wondering....have you overcome your issues? And if you have, how have you done that? I appreciate any advice or guidance you can give me. Thank you!!
 
March 6, 2009, 1:50 pm CST

Wow. Iam so sorry.

Quote From: pandorah

Over the course of 3 years I had my grandmother and father die (2 strong influences in my life) and then I was diagnosed with a auto-immune disease to which there is no cure.  A young woman 27 years younger than my husband (same age as our children) knew what our family and especially me was going through but yet she took the information and fed the emotional turmoil of my husband and an affair happened... Not just any affair because my husband became emotional abusive towards me.  For the last three years I have been working to repair our marriage and forgiving my husband.  I know that forgiveness is for me, but yet I can't seem to get over the extreme hatred I have for this young woman for what she has done.  Instead of concentrating on my health...I am repairing a 20-25 year marriage.  There will be many times that something will trigger memories and I freeze and am overcome with the emotions that I went through during this time...the only thing I can manage to do is cry.  This young woman would be estatic if she knew the troubles I was having 3 years later.  How do I tell my mind to let go and move forward?  By the way, 1 month later she destroyed another marriage with 2 young children and is currently living with this man. 

This is real crappy (not using bad language here) but my heart goes out to you big time. I am sorry for the loss your dad and grandma. I know how it feels, I lost my mom what will be 2 years now, and it feels like yesterday. Grieving takes a while and we can't rush that; time is the only thing that can heal the broken heart from losing those we love and have grown to depend on for so long. I will pray that you find peace in their dying so that you can move forward with strenght and courage.

Now to your marriage. You know, a cheater is a cheater is a cheater. This girl didn't do anything anyone else could have done......whether she was 25 or 85, if he was weak, he would have done it. This is something he is going to have to work on making you feel you can trust him again....you don't need to do anything with this......you did nothing wrong. Just curiously, is he still in your life  and if so, is he trying his damnest to make you feel he can be trusted??? I hope so....

What I have found is when we hate, or when we are angry, its really a fear. Its the fear that we will be alone or that we are not good enough, or throw in whatever may be your weak spots (and we all have them). Anger is a motivator, it creates action, but it can also make us sick so it is really important to work on finding ways to find joy, (even we have to fake it)...Anger is a killer too.  This girl is messed up but she is suffering too. She has managed to mess up many lives, including her own. Any person in their right mind and with self esteem would not go out with a married man...even if he was miserable. The reason she wants to destroy relationships is because she probably does not feel she will ever be able to have one of her own....so its actually pure jealousy and envy on her part....she is a sick girl and is struggling with a lot of psychological issues, I am almost possitive.  It is difficult to forgive someone that hurts us...whether it is intentional or not, the feeling is the same.  So how do you do that successfully so that you can move forward.....

First, try your best to stop carrying it around. It is the past. I know, easier said then done...but it is the past....but you are still carrying it around and you won't be able to move forward in a productive way for yourself if you carry baggage like that. Give yourself ample time to heal, the death of a relationship is like the death of your family, even though they are still alive....the pain is strong and powerful.  Give yourself time to get past the hurt...you can't rush it...but you can do things to bring you back to reality.  Force yourself to do things, even if it is difficult. Cry....scream....stamp your feet...feel sorry for yourself...then put on your coat and some lipstick (if you wear lipstick , lol) and pretend you are doing better then believe.  Eventually you will believe it too.

I know pain.....we all know pain.....no one is exempt from it....breathe in light of life and breath out the breath of life....pretty amazing huh? Every day is a miracle...we are given another chance to find our way out of the throes of depression and hurt...every day try to get a teeny weeny bit closer to who you were before this happened and you will see, this chick, ???? is no longer a threat to you and you no longer carry her around with you.

I wish you luck and I will keep you in my prayers. Kimi
 
March 11, 2009, 10:43 am CDT

Need advice

I'm sad, confused, hurt, angry, well you name it and I am feeling it right now.  Its been a month since I came across some emails in my husbands account.  He left his screen open and I looked..sometimes I wish I never did.  I no longer know who this man is who I have loved for the past seven years.  I look at him and I think "did I ever know him"?  It really is true, that if a man isn't getting sex at home, he will look elsewhere, it's not just a saying.

I will give you some background so maybe someone can give me some good advice from their experience.  We have been together 7yrs, he has been kind, generous, nice,a good provider, we never argue or fight.  We don't talk either, not about important stuff or share our feelings in any way.  We talk about our "day" or little things but thats it.  I have tried to explain to him that our communication sucks..no change.  Our sex life has been good, 5-7days a week. for 7yrs...but boring and selfish on his part.  He always wants me to make the first move, late last year I told him I was tired of it and wanted him to act like a man sometimes, and I wouldn't be making the first move anymore. 

It backfired on me, cause instead of stepping up with me, he decided to step out on me.  He thought it would be easier to make a profile on a "sex wanted" web site than it was to talk to me about why we weren't having sex or to do what I asked and just  initiate sex with me. 

When I questioned him after us not having sex for two months, about where he was "getting" it from, he said he wasn't cheating..but I had this gut feeling .  I gave in and we started having sex again after those two months.  My gutt was still telling me something was wrong, so when he left his email opened in February, I went thru his folders. He forgot to empty his "sent" folder and there they were 4 emails.  But get this, they were to a man, not a woman.  He denied it at first, said it was a woman he met at work, but that he never went thru with meeting her for sex cause he didn't want to cheat and ruin our relationship. 

He promply deleted the emails, but the more I went over the emails in my head the more I knew the wording was from a man to a man, not a woman and that the code used was for a sex profile site.  I pushed the issue and he said yes, it was a man, cause  he was the only one on the sex site that contacted him and maybe sex with a man would be better than no sex at all.  He then said he chickened out cause he really couldn't see himself doing it with a man and so he never went to meet him.

I can 't get the fact out of my head that he even considered having sex with a man, even if it was a fleeting thought.  The eewwwhhh factor keeps going thru my head over and over.  I never in my wildest dreams imagined that he would step out, or that his moral compass would go that far off north.  Like I said, I look at him now and wonder who he is!

My first instinct was to pack up and leave him, till reality struck and I have no income, no place to go and am unable to work.  I also have a 7yr old to worry about..  Cheating has always been a deal breaker for me.  I keep telling myself that I have no proof that he slept with anyone, so he is only guilty of looking to cheat not actually cheating.  I do this so I can have a place to live and someone to look after us.  I really don't have the same feelings for him, but I cant do it on my own, I can not survive on my disability pension and put a roof over my son's head and food on the table.  I have never in my life been dependant on a man before and feel trapped and scared right now.  I have always been a working full time woman who paid her own way in life and raised a family.  Now I feel so weak and useless and well,,,trapped in this relationship.

I don't know what to do.  I want to go to counseling, he says he doesn't need it,,,but WE need it.  He says we can figure things out on our own.  He is trying, he is affectionate again, he is trying to talk more, but still not about important stuff.  He says he knows I won't just "forget" overnight and is very, very, sorry for setting up the sex profile. ( Yeah, he is sorry he forgot to dump his "sent" folder...   )Now I have sex with him cause I'm afraid if I don't he will do this again.. bad reason to have sex!  He says he loves me and doesn't want me to leave him..he is still afraid I might.  He is afraid I might tell someone we know or our family if we split up, why we split up.  Every day I still try to find a logical way in my head to leave him and support my son and I without him.  I can't find a way to do that, sometimes I wish I could, other times the thought makes me so scared I want to throw up.  I still can't believe that he wanted to betray our future together for the sake of sex.  I even asked him if he had some sort of sexual addiction that he needed help with... I mean can't a man go a month or two or even more without sex?  I feel that once the sex stopped we really had no relationship and thats not a good thought to have.

Has anyone here stayed with a man who did something like this or actually cheated and were caught? Were you able to work it out and stay together?  Did you go for counseling?  Did it help or make things worse talking about it and keeping it fresh in your head and heart?   Any ideas or help?
Thanks KPG1956
 
March 19, 2009, 12:11 pm CDT

Lieing wife

Quote From: srbluvslab

I went through something very similar to what you are going through. Everyday since is a struggle. I am so hypersensitive to everything now when before I was completely trusting, obviously in hindsight to a fault. Spouses that get angry because their spouse "snooped" to catch them would have done the same thing if roles were reversed. Gettinga angry about the snooping is just a ploy to try and turn the "blame" around on the snooping spouse. I am glad and proud I snooped. To not do it would have made me a foolish dope. 

  

Hang in there. It gets better eventually. 

It's nice to see someone else who has snooped lol.

I was starting to think I'm crazy. My wife's parents

have let me know I need medication since I checked

up on my wife's whereabouts a handful of times after

we seperated. Even though she was caught lieing to

me about where she was, a guy calling her one day etc.

they still think I'm out of my mind for acting like that..

That I'm "over-inflating things"

What's sad is we have a 19 m/o little girl :( So I'm just

backing off and letting her "find herself" as she puts it.


Cheers,

Josh

 
March 24, 2009, 10:03 am CDT

Can't Cope

Hello, everyone!  I amnew to this particular board but I am in desperate need of advice.  I am a caregiver for the mentally anddevelopmentally handicapped.  I am usedto providing the care, not accepting it. It is not an easy thing for me to ask for help so here goes…  

   

I have been married to my husband for going on 3 years (July2006).  We have been together going on 8years(June 2001) now.  We were engaged inOctober of 2004.  We have been through alot in our relationship, even a near death for him and two major surgeries.  I thought we were so strong and could make itthrough fire, through anything together. Boy, was I ever so wrong.  

   

 February 5thof this year, my husband admitted to me that he had an emotional affair“almost”(which I’m not sure I believe they didn’t) having sex with her fouryears ago, a year before we married.  Wehad been engaged about 6 months.  He hadcontact with this woman from April until Nov, the day we set our weddingdate.  I never had a clue.    

   

He sings in a band. That’s where he met this woman. She was the gf of the guy who ran their light show.  Everyone in this band, including the wivesand gf’s of the members, knew about this affair.  They were friends to my face but not one hadthe respect for me to tell me the truth. They all stood at our wedding and let me marry this man…even his parentsand the best man knew.  Not one personsaid a word.  This has left me feeling violatedand extremely betrayed.  

   

It has now been 6 weeks since I have learned of this affairand I am not getting any better.  Infact, I am getting much worse.  All we dois fight.  He won’t talk to me about anyof it.  He won’t even tell me why thishappened and how we can prevent it from ever happening again.  He tells me I’m crazy because all I do is cryand feel sick.  He thinks I should justget over it because it happened four years ago. Truth is, it just happened for me…he’s had four years to cope and hide andperfect.  I’ve had 6 weeks…    

   

I don’t know what to do. I can’t sleep, I can’t and absolutely refuse to eat(I’ve lost 30 poundsthat I don’t really have to lose), I can’t think straight, I can’t look at hisparents and not feel disgust, I can’t look at these ppl who were supposed to befriends and not feel like a fool, I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m hurt, I’m on adownward spiral that I can’t stop.    

   

We don’t have insurance. My husband just started a new job and my company is small so it does notoffer coverage.  I know I need help tolearn healthy coping mechanisms and just to learn to love myself enough but Ican’t afford a doctor or therapy.  Doesanyone know how I can learn to deal with this and move on without destroyingmyself in the process?  

 
April 6, 2009, 4:09 pm CDT

There is no manual for what to do when you have a 4 month old and your husband cheats!

I would appreciate any advice I can get! 

I have been married for two years and I am a new mother to a four month old baby boy.

A few days ago I had a dream that my husband was cheating.  It bothered me so much I decided to look through his phone...which he knows I have done from time to time.  I found some messages and a picture from a women showing her new breast implants!  Then I did some more searching and found a picture he had taken of himself (his private area) and sent to her. 

I decided to confront her first and then try and match their stories.  I asked her if she was aware that my husband was married and had a four month old child and she said "yes"!  Then she told me that they had been talking for several months as friends (not really sure how you consider pornographic photos friendly).  She said they saw eachother once with a group of friends.  She swore that there was no physical contact!  My husbands story was exactly the same so I am pretty sure that it had not progressed to a full blown affair but it was heading in that direction.  I am sure it would have become sexual if I had not found out.

What I want to know is where do I go from here?  Do I file for divorce and move on with my life or do I try and save the marriage for the sake of our son?  I was completely in love with my husband and 100% shocked that he would do this to our new family. I know he is in love with me and that is why I am so suprised.  He has not stopped crying and begging to be with his family.  He says he will do anything it takes even if it takes years to fix this.

I would appreciate any advice I can get.  I was not expecting to face anything like this and especially not when we have such a new baby.  I am so angry and hurt.  I feel like he has stollen all the joy of being a new mommy and I can hardly care for my baby I am so upset.

I would like some opinions on whether to stay or move on and how to cope so I can contnue to be a good mom.

 

 
April 13, 2009, 9:07 am CDT

Counseling

Quote From: blondeniki

I would appreciate any advice I can get! 

I have been married for two years and I am a new mother to a four month old baby boy.

A few days ago I had a dream that my husband was cheating.  It bothered me so much I decided to look through his phone...which he knows I have done from time to time.  I found some messages and a picture from a women showing her new breast implants!  Then I did some more searching and found a picture he had taken of himself (his private area) and sent to her. 

I decided to confront her first and then try and match their stories.  I asked her if she was aware that my husband was married and had a four month old child and she said "yes"!  Then she told me that they had been talking for several months as friends (not really sure how you consider pornographic photos friendly).  She said they saw eachother once with a group of friends.  She swore that there was no physical contact!  My husbands story was exactly the same so I am pretty sure that it had not progressed to a full blown affair but it was heading in that direction.  I am sure it would have become sexual if I had not found out.

What I want to know is where do I go from here?  Do I file for divorce and move on with my life or do I try and save the marriage for the sake of our son?  I was completely in love with my husband and 100% shocked that he would do this to our new family. I know he is in love with me and that is why I am so suprised.  He has not stopped crying and begging to be with his family.  He says he will do anything it takes even if it takes years to fix this.

I would appreciate any advice I can get.  I was not expecting to face anything like this and especially not when we have such a new baby.  I am so angry and hurt.  I feel like he has stollen all the joy of being a new mommy and I can hardly care for my baby I am so upset.

I would like some opinions on whether to stay or move on and how to cope so I can contnue to be a good mom.

 

Get thee to a marriage counselor, and find a good one!

Nobody can answer the question of whether to stay or go but you and your husband.  And counseling can help you to answer that question.

Too often we view counseling as "fixing" one or the other, but it is really about showing us our true selves. Then we either decide to change our behavior, or not. Counseling can help you to change if you wish to. It is the willingness of your partner to change their bad behavior that you look for. If there is dishonesty and phoniness, you will pick up on it. Then you will truly know whether he is worth keeping or not.

Of course, if he refuses to get counseling with you at all, this is an answer also....

 
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