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Topic : Infidelity

Number of Replies: 4739
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:02:24 pm
Author : dataimport
Has your partner been unfaithful? Have you been the one to stray? Share your advice and support with others that have experienced infidelity.

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January 29, 2009, 10:04 am CST

Old script-

Quote From: maxguitar

I guess I just want to know where to go from here? I will not get any answers out of her so do I try and end this with what little evidence I have? I mean, we have kids to think about.

You're wife is using an old tactic: Never admit guilt! If they can't prove it, never admit to anything!

The thing is, you know better don't you?

You need to come to terms, within yourself, what YOU are going to do about it. You need to be absolutely certain where your line in the sand is. Some opt to delude themselves and turn a blind eye for various reasons, maybe because children are involved. Some decide to face it head on and either fight for their marriage or end it. You must decide what is important to you.

When I confronted my husband about his cheating, he at first denied it too, I spent some time in confusion, wanting to believe him of course. The evidence was pretty clear though, so I confronted him. He said he wanted to work it out, we tried a couple different things but I could tell he wasn't sincere. He was only going through the motions because he didn't want to be the bad guy and admit that he didn't have what it takes to be a loyal husband and father. So I initiated a divorce. I would have gone to counseling with him, I would have tried anything it took, but he was not willing. You have to be ready to do what it takes. If the other person is not willing, then the marriage is already over.

So before you confront her, you must be clear on what you want and how far you are willing to go, how much effort you will put into it, provided the other is right there with you.

To confront her, all you have to say is, "I don't care what you say, I don't believe you. I know you're lying and cheating on me. I wasn't born yesterday, so don't treat me like I'm stupid."

She will either keep up the "Never admit to anything!" pretense, or she will fess up. Either way, you will have a clear idea of who she really is, how she feels about you, and what to expect from her. It's better to know now than to let it go another couple of years and be stomped on some more.

 
January 29, 2009, 10:20 am CST

Thank you

Quote From: gsanbo

Over the last year, things and hints have been in my presence and I have found more blatant items in emails. In presence she has not only stated things in my last post but also made hints on being attracted to other men (like at the car wash) and at the pool. That having an affair is bad but its life and people are human. Her widow friend desires big muscle men and if she can relate to it.

 

On email besides my last post, she has commented on that when her widow friend requested "tall dark and handsome" as a request to a friend out west for a trip, my wife respondes that I will have what she is having. My wife also responded to a message that a summer 1 night hook up with a guy that her friend and my wife met at a bar near us was so good that night that she had to contact him. My wife's reply was maybe I need to go to his gym to see what he is up to. Please understand, I have never bothered to review my wife's email or phone messages before, but this past summer she was cold and mean to me on a daily basis, then she got edgy if I answered her cell phone, which in the past she was thankful that i did, and then she got very private about her own email. She has not always made open jokes like this and been pre-0ccupied with sexual attraction before. Sure, i am not an idiot. i know that she has been this way with her girls, but it got to be more often and open. Add to it that she will sometimes say to me that an elderly woman liked me and that maybe that's for me. I should check it out like its a joke, but say it more than once. (I am 4 years older than my wife at 42 and she has since 40 considered me old, but I have always looked at least 5 years younger if  not more.)

 

I never have talked or joked about flings or affairs with my friends or in front of my wife. I not even one to comment on attraction to other woman including TV and movies. Recently, since she does this, she seems to encourage me to comment to somehow make her feel we are at the same thought level, but it is not my thing.

 

Finally, I have never said that it bothers me, but I did last summer openly ask is she having an affair or thinking about having an affair. Her answer was all practical - always with the kids, too much guilt. But none of it was that she would never hurt me or the family that way. She did tell me that at that time she is no longer physically attracted to me and sometimes she feels that at 26 she got married too early. Seems like she feels she missed out on a single life that now her friend has although due to tragic reasons. We got along for a while and got intimate again, but come the holidays and especially on new years she was all depressed to not be with her friends and without any of the husbands. Now since then she has started this talk again. I am ver frustrated as I know I am a good husband and father and as a partner I have always worked with her to adjust my behaviour or actions to improve me and us.

It certainly sounds like your wife is skating a thin line with you. It's difficult to say if she has had an affair, but she is definitely heading that direction.

She may be justifying her actions as just "playing around" or "it's not for real", just going along with her single friend, but it will eventually lead to something. Whether she intends to pursue an affair or one-night stand, or if she is just passively going along with events is hard to tell. Many people who are tempted to stray will go out with their friends and get drunk and end up in bed with somebody. The being drunk is a deliberate excuse to do what they want to do, even if they don't consciously admit it to themselves.

I think you have put up with this long enough, and deserve some answers. Whether she gives them or not is another story. (Read my answer to maxguitar above.)

I think you should carve out some alone time to discuss things with her. Confront her in the way I mentioned above, and ask her what her intentions are. As with max above, you must be clear with yourself on your lines in the sand, and be ready for the worst. She may already have had multiple one-nighters, she may be unwilling to say anything or admit to anything. Or she may be just in the delusional "playing along because its all in fun" stage. She may actually be relieved and happy when you confront her, it's possible that she has been feeling taken for granted and craves a show of jealousy or something from you that proves to her that you still love her. I can't say because I don't know the 2 of you.

Be clear on your own limits and what you will do in any eventuality, and let her know that this sort of behavior has reached it's limits with you.

 
February 5, 2009, 8:59 am CST

So Insecure

I have been married for 5 years and I have a problem with jealousy. The jealousy has soared and has really begun to consume me over the past few months. A few months ago, I decided to go through my husband's phone. I came across some text messages sent from a female co-worker. When I confronted him, he said that the girl is only a coworker and that he was only being a friend to her because she was going through some problems with her husband and was depressed. I was just  disgusted with this "friendship", thinking that maybe this girl is trying to boost her spirits with MY husband in an inappropriate way.   After my nagging, he finally agreed to keep his distance from this woman. Since then I've become a crazy woman. I go through his phone whenever I get a chance, but I haven't found any more messages from the woman. But I begin to worry and wonder that maybe he's deleting his messages. For the most part, I don't think he's doing anything with this woman, but I can't help my obsession with sneaking around and looking through his phone, his emails, his wallet....trying to find evidence. I don't know what's wrong with me. I realize I have to stop, but I just need some help knowing HOW.
 
February 6, 2009, 10:23 am CST

Questions?

Quote From: kjs30mom

I have been married for 5 years and I have a problem with jealousy. The jealousy has soared and has really begun to consume me over the past few months. A few months ago, I decided to go through my husband's phone. I came across some text messages sent from a female co-worker. When I confronted him, he said that the girl is only a coworker and that he was only being a friend to her because she was going through some problems with her husband and was depressed. I was just  disgusted with this "friendship", thinking that maybe this girl is trying to boost her spirits with MY husband in an inappropriate way.   After my nagging, he finally agreed to keep his distance from this woman. Since then I've become a crazy woman. I go through his phone whenever I get a chance, but I haven't found any more messages from the woman. But I begin to worry and wonder that maybe he's deleting his messages. For the most part, I don't think he's doing anything with this woman, but I can't help my obsession with sneaking around and looking through his phone, his emails, his wallet....trying to find evidence. I don't know what's wrong with me. I realize I have to stop, but I just need some help knowing HOW.

Did your insecurity and jealousy come into being a few months ago when you found the text messages on your husband's phone? Or were you jealous and insecure before that?

If you have a history of suspicion, jealousy, and insecurity, can you pinpoint where it began and why?

 

Is there anything in your husband's actions that make you suspicious, excluding the messages you found?

 
February 6, 2009, 11:00 am CST

Infidelity

Quote From: ritehere

Did your insecurity and jealousy come into being a few months ago when you found the text messages on your husband's phone? Or were you jealous and insecure before that?

If you have a history of suspicion, jealousy, and insecurity, can you pinpoint where it began and why?

 

Is there anything in your husband's actions that make you suspicious, excluding the messages you found?

Well I guess the jealousy may have always been there from the beginning, but it hasn't been as obsessive or as consuming as it has become over the last several months after finding the text messages. At the beginning of the relationship, he was admittedly flirtatious with other women, which according to him is a behavior he has put behind him.  So I've always had thoughts throughout the marriage that he may still be flirting, which DRIVES ME INSANE and the thought is just so hurtful.   

 

Well whenever I do get a chance to go through his phone, the fact that there are only messages from me is kinda suspicious because I know he has other buddies who send him messages as well. So it makes me think that he deletes all his other messages before he gets home. He's also stopped the delivery of the hardcopy of his phone bill to the house. When I asked him about it, he said he doesn't want the extra clutter.

 

I don't know...a part of me wants to believe that he is faithful, but another part of me thinks that I can't trust him. And when that part kicks into gear, I am like a detective, searching, looking for something.  And I feel bad about it, but I just can't seem to put the thoughts out of my head.  

 
February 6, 2009, 1:54 pm CST

Online cheating???

Ok I am new to this...so I'll get right to the issue. Is flirting and talking dirty to people out of state online considered infidelity? I struggle with this because I recently found that my husband was doing this for over a year before I found out about it. Our relationship of marriage had only been a year old before this started happening. I am so torn by this. I gave him everything I could in our relationship. When I confronted him he said that it was because he was depressed. For a year???!!! I love him but I will always be wondering if he is doing it again and what if he is and  I don't find out for another year or so. I am trying to wipe the slate clean and start fresh but it is so hard when trust has been broken. I think this is also the reason I get so upset when he is online all the time playng war games...even after I go to bed. Any thoughts? Comments? Please, I need to hear it.
 
February 9, 2009, 9:33 am CST

help i need awnsers

My h left almost 4 yrs now and i've been living in the house paying everything...recently i went to a lawyer and we tried to resolve the issues between us and he went and got a collaborative law lawyer...i didn't agree to it because if my ex and I couldn't agree we would have to drop out and get new lawyers....i wasn't comfortable with that....so now he went to get legal aid in ontario and I went to inquire last year and they told me if he contested than I could get help but nothing was in progress to contest...he still isn't served with papers but what if he gets legal aid and I couldn't...where the justice? I am a single mom with three kids i work what hours i can and he gives me $200 every two weeks but all i'm asking him is to get a lawyer so this can be resolved.  I just want whats fair and what i deserve. Its taken along time to get to this point after sleeping with him and he had a gf and another child with....(i'm not proud of it) but was so emotionally attached at the time....I believe his gf doesn't even know about us and it just happened recently but I am done with him. He is trying to not have lawyers involved but I need closure. I'm not sure what to do now my bills are getting behind.
 
February 18, 2009, 5:05 am CST

Sexual Predators in Work Place

Over the course of 3 years I had my grandmother and father die (2 strong influences in my life) and then I was diagnosed with a auto-immune disease to which there is no cure.  A young woman 27 years younger than my husband (same age as our children) knew what our family and especially me was going through but yet she took the information and fed the emotional turmoil of my husband and an affair happened... Not just any affair because my husband became emotional abusive towards me.  For the last three years I have been working to repair our marriage and forgiving my husband.  I know that forgiveness is for me, but yet I can't seem to get over the extreme hatred I have for this young woman for what she has done.  Instead of concentrating on my health...I am repairing a 20-25 year marriage.  There will be many times that something will trigger memories and I freeze and am overcome with the emotions that I went through during this time...the only thing I can manage to do is cry.  This young woman would be estatic if she knew the troubles I was having 3 years later.  How do I tell my mind to let go and move forward?  By the way, 1 month later she destroyed another marriage with 2 young children and is currently living with this man. 

 
March 6, 2009, 8:28 am CST

Infidelity

Quote From: nirivera

I have been married 10 years have 2 kids and love my husband very much. Maybe too much. He hsa never cheated on me that I know of but I think I'm driving him to give up on us. One time 4 years ago he went out with a female friend and I found out. He tried to deny it but i had proof. He said that he didn't tell me because I always think he's having an affair and he did not want a confrontation. Ever since he's been honest about going to lunch with female co-workers and things like that but even when he's honest I get very upset. I've never allowed him to get a phone because of my jealous- I knew it would be one more thing for me to check. I already have daily habit of checking his money, checking account, wallet etc. I finally broke down about 1 week ago and got him the phone and since i could check his usage online i figured I could handle it. Well after a night out with some old co-workers I checked his phone and an ex-coworker put her number in his phone. I'm sure he asked her for it. I got very upset and he threw the phone against the wall and broke it stating that it wasn't worth having if he had to answer to my every question. We had a long talk but now he seems like he loves me but has given up. He says I'll never change and that I need to trust him. The problem is that I know in my heart that he wouldn't jeapardize our family but I feel the need to make sure. I know why i do it, i know i should stop, I just wish someone could teach me exactly how to do that. Is there someone out there that can help? I feel so helpless right now.
I joined a few weeks ago under similar circumstances. I've been searching the message board archives and found a couple of people going through the same thing.  But haven't gotten much advice on how to curb the jealousy and the tendency to snoop. Since its been a couple of years since your post, I'm wondering....have you overcome your issues? And if you have, how have you done that? I appreciate any advice or guidance you can give me. Thank you!!
 
March 6, 2009, 1:50 pm CST

Wow. Iam so sorry.

Quote From: pandorah

Over the course of 3 years I had my grandmother and father die (2 strong influences in my life) and then I was diagnosed with a auto-immune disease to which there is no cure.  A young woman 27 years younger than my husband (same age as our children) knew what our family and especially me was going through but yet she took the information and fed the emotional turmoil of my husband and an affair happened... Not just any affair because my husband became emotional abusive towards me.  For the last three years I have been working to repair our marriage and forgiving my husband.  I know that forgiveness is for me, but yet I can't seem to get over the extreme hatred I have for this young woman for what she has done.  Instead of concentrating on my health...I am repairing a 20-25 year marriage.  There will be many times that something will trigger memories and I freeze and am overcome with the emotions that I went through during this time...the only thing I can manage to do is cry.  This young woman would be estatic if she knew the troubles I was having 3 years later.  How do I tell my mind to let go and move forward?  By the way, 1 month later she destroyed another marriage with 2 young children and is currently living with this man. 

This is real crappy (not using bad language here) but my heart goes out to you big time. I am sorry for the loss your dad and grandma. I know how it feels, I lost my mom what will be 2 years now, and it feels like yesterday. Grieving takes a while and we can't rush that; time is the only thing that can heal the broken heart from losing those we love and have grown to depend on for so long. I will pray that you find peace in their dying so that you can move forward with strenght and courage.

Now to your marriage. You know, a cheater is a cheater is a cheater. This girl didn't do anything anyone else could have done......whether she was 25 or 85, if he was weak, he would have done it. This is something he is going to have to work on making you feel you can trust him again....you don't need to do anything with this......you did nothing wrong. Just curiously, is he still in your life  and if so, is he trying his damnest to make you feel he can be trusted??? I hope so....

What I have found is when we hate, or when we are angry, its really a fear. Its the fear that we will be alone or that we are not good enough, or throw in whatever may be your weak spots (and we all have them). Anger is a motivator, it creates action, but it can also make us sick so it is really important to work on finding ways to find joy, (even we have to fake it)...Anger is a killer too.  This girl is messed up but she is suffering too. She has managed to mess up many lives, including her own. Any person in their right mind and with self esteem would not go out with a married man...even if he was miserable. The reason she wants to destroy relationships is because she probably does not feel she will ever be able to have one of her own....so its actually pure jealousy and envy on her part....she is a sick girl and is struggling with a lot of psychological issues, I am almost possitive.  It is difficult to forgive someone that hurts us...whether it is intentional or not, the feeling is the same.  So how do you do that successfully so that you can move forward.....

First, try your best to stop carrying it around. It is the past. I know, easier said then done...but it is the past....but you are still carrying it around and you won't be able to move forward in a productive way for yourself if you carry baggage like that. Give yourself ample time to heal, the death of a relationship is like the death of your family, even though they are still alive....the pain is strong and powerful.  Give yourself time to get past the hurt...you can't rush it...but you can do things to bring you back to reality.  Force yourself to do things, even if it is difficult. Cry....scream....stamp your feet...feel sorry for yourself...then put on your coat and some lipstick (if you wear lipstick , lol) and pretend you are doing better then believe.  Eventually you will believe it too.

I know pain.....we all know pain.....no one is exempt from it....breathe in light of life and breath out the breath of life....pretty amazing huh? Every day is a miracle...we are given another chance to find our way out of the throes of depression and hurt...every day try to get a teeny weeny bit closer to who you were before this happened and you will see, this chick, ???? is no longer a threat to you and you no longer carry her around with you.

I wish you luck and I will keep you in my prayers. Kimi
 
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