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Topic : Infidelity

Number of Replies: 4734
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:02:24 pm
Author : dataimport
Has your partner been unfaithful? Have you been the one to stray? Share your advice and support with others that have experienced infidelity.

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April 16, 2009, 12:44 pm CDT

I hear what your saying

Quote From: blondeniki

I would appreciate any advice I can get! 

I have been married for two years and I am a new mother to a four month old baby boy.

A few days ago I had a dream that my husband was cheating.  It bothered me so much I decided to look through his phone...which he knows I have done from time to time.  I found some messages and a picture from a women showing her new breast implants!  Then I did some more searching and found a picture he had taken of himself (his private area) and sent to her. 

I decided to confront her first and then try and match their stories.  I asked her if she was aware that my husband was married and had a four month old child and she said "yes"!  Then she told me that they had been talking for several months as friends (not really sure how you consider pornographic photos friendly).  She said they saw eachother once with a group of friends.  She swore that there was no physical contact!  My husbands story was exactly the same so I am pretty sure that it had not progressed to a full blown affair but it was heading in that direction.  I am sure it would have become sexual if I had not found out.

What I want to know is where do I go from here?  Do I file for divorce and move on with my life or do I try and save the marriage for the sake of our son?  I was completely in love with my husband and 100% shocked that he would do this to our new family. I know he is in love with me and that is why I am so suprised.  He has not stopped crying and begging to be with his family.  He says he will do anything it takes even if it takes years to fix this.

I would appreciate any advice I can get.  I was not expecting to face anything like this and especially not when we have such a new baby.  I am so angry and hurt.  I feel like he has stollen all the joy of being a new mommy and I can hardly care for my baby I am so upset.

I would like some opinions on whether to stay or move on and how to cope so I can contnue to be a good mom.

 

I myself have felt the pain of betrayel many times in my 52 yrs on this earth, and know what it feels like.  The first thing you have to do is ask yourself why your husband felt it was ok to have this new"friend" to begin with.  Was he feeling neglected because you were pregnant, he wasn't getting enough sexual affection from you, he didn't feel appreciated he was jealous? 

 

There are some things that I have learned over the years.  The first one is, there is no man who can be faithful for your entire relationship/marriage.  I know alot of women will tell me I'm wrong, but its a given fact.  Men think about sex every 52 seconds, thats every hour of every day!  They arn't always thinking about having it with you either.  Personally they don't care who they have sex with, they just want to have it,,and often.  If the oportunity arrises they will have an affair.  If you can wrap your mind around that, realize that this is a big flaw in the way men think,,, it will help you keep your relationship on track. If you can get this, then your expectations won't be so high and your marriage will last. 

 

There is no such thing as a man who will turn down sex for the sake of keeping a relationship faithful.  Commitment, faithfulness are not part of their vocabulary, its part of our vocabulary.

 

Its really up to you, you are the one that can help keep your relationship on track, but if he does have an affair, its not all your fault... its just men, it how they are.  Men want to be important.  They want us as women to almost fawn over them, to stroke their egos on a daily basis.  You can do this by telling him how great he was at fixing -this or that- how great he was feeding the baby- how hard he works at making a living for your family- well you get my point.  Never expect him to fawn all over you, they just expect women to be there for them to have sex with and they don't have to do much to keep us. And its no big deal in the long run if we leave and file for divorce..they don't want to pay child support, so it hurts them in their pockets, but there will be another woman along for them to have sex with and keep their home and cook their meals and wash their clothes...so you leaving is no big deal.

 

You also need to be physical with him, daily sex, physically kissing him, holding his hand, touching him in some way.  Why you may ask? Because to a man, this is how he knows that your interested in him and he is important to you.  He wants to think that your just as hot to have sex with him as he is to have sex with you.  Of course we have other things on our mind, and a zillion other things to do, like clean,cook, laundry, but that doesn't count to them.

 

Just having a baby, means nothing to a man, when all he thinks about is having sex with you.  He wants it, and it doesn't mean beans to him if you have to get up every 3 hours to feed a baby. He wants you to fit in some sex inbetween the feedings.  They also want you to make the first move once in a while and be receptive when he does.

 

You need to make a special time to be alone with each other.  It can't always be  baby this or baby that.  It was just the two of you once, and he needs the attention just the same now.  Have a date nite, get a sitter, or grandparents to watch the baby or switch off with a neighbour,,and the two of you go out and have dinner, or go to a motel room and have sex (with protection) of course.

 

Men are shallow, we women need to realize this or we will never be able to live with one and have a "long term " relationship or marriage.  Its us women that focus on marriage, commitment, faithfulness, we expect what men can not give us.  We have been conditioned as young girls to expect something from a man that they just can't give us.  If you always keep in mind that at any given moment if you let him feel neglected, or unloved or unappreciated, that he will find someone else to pay attention to him, someone who will make him feel like he is the be all to end all, someone who will act all flirty with him and boost his ego... then you will stay on top of things and keep him interested in you and not looking for someone else to fulfill his needs.

 

There is no need to get a divorce or end your marriage with him if he is a good guy in general and a good father...the next guy isn't going to be any better.  He was just looking for some attention and he found it.  He was probably jealous of all the attention you were getting because you were pregnant, and then the baby came and all your time was spent on him and not on your husband and your marriage.  You just figured that he loved you so he would never think about looking for another woman to fill some hole in his needs he was feeling.  Don't assume stuff like that.  Your marriage needs work, its up to you.  He will just follow along, he won't work at keeping it alive or going, so don't expect him to.  He may be crying, because he got caught, your heart has been broken.  He probably does love you and your new baby with all his heart.  Love has nothing to do with why he decided to start a "friendship" with this woman.  It has everything to do with sex, and how he feels.  Men think with their dicks and we think with our hearts...so you can see its totally different from the start.

 

You can try counceling, but it might just keep the betrayl feelings alive and not allow you to move on with just getting back on track with him.  Tell him he has your heart again in his hands and he better hold it very carefully.  Good luck ~Red

 
April 21, 2009, 9:45 am CDT

Sadness and anger

Quote From: redneon

I myself have felt the pain of betrayel many times in my 52 yrs on this earth, and know what it feels like.  The first thing you have to do is ask yourself why your husband felt it was ok to have this new"friend" to begin with.  Was he feeling neglected because you were pregnant, he wasn't getting enough sexual affection from you, he didn't feel appreciated he was jealous? 

 

There are some things that I have learned over the years.  The first one is, there is no man who can be faithful for your entire relationship/marriage.  I know alot of women will tell me I'm wrong, but its a given fact.  Men think about sex every 52 seconds, thats every hour of every day!  They arn't always thinking about having it with you either.  Personally they don't care who they have sex with, they just want to have it,,and often.  If the oportunity arrises they will have an affair.  If you can wrap your mind around that, realize that this is a big flaw in the way men think,,, it will help you keep your relationship on track. If you can get this, then your expectations won't be so high and your marriage will last. 

 

There is no such thing as a man who will turn down sex for the sake of keeping a relationship faithful.  Commitment, faithfulness are not part of their vocabulary, its part of our vocabulary.

 

Its really up to you, you are the one that can help keep your relationship on track, but if he does have an affair, its not all your fault... its just men, it how they are.  Men want to be important.  They want us as women to almost fawn over them, to stroke their egos on a daily basis.  You can do this by telling him how great he was at fixing -this or that- how great he was feeding the baby- how hard he works at making a living for your family- well you get my point.  Never expect him to fawn all over you, they just expect women to be there for them to have sex with and they don't have to do much to keep us. And its no big deal in the long run if we leave and file for divorce..they don't want to pay child support, so it hurts them in their pockets, but there will be another woman along for them to have sex with and keep their home and cook their meals and wash their clothes...so you leaving is no big deal.

 

You also need to be physical with him, daily sex, physically kissing him, holding his hand, touching him in some way.  Why you may ask? Because to a man, this is how he knows that your interested in him and he is important to you.  He wants to think that your just as hot to have sex with him as he is to have sex with you.  Of course we have other things on our mind, and a zillion other things to do, like clean,cook, laundry, but that doesn't count to them.

 

Just having a baby, means nothing to a man, when all he thinks about is having sex with you.  He wants it, and it doesn't mean beans to him if you have to get up every 3 hours to feed a baby. He wants you to fit in some sex inbetween the feedings.  They also want you to make the first move once in a while and be receptive when he does.

 

You need to make a special time to be alone with each other.  It can't always be  baby this or baby that.  It was just the two of you once, and he needs the attention just the same now.  Have a date nite, get a sitter, or grandparents to watch the baby or switch off with a neighbour,,and the two of you go out and have dinner, or go to a motel room and have sex (with protection) of course.

 

Men are shallow, we women need to realize this or we will never be able to live with one and have a "long term " relationship or marriage.  Its us women that focus on marriage, commitment, faithfulness, we expect what men can not give us.  We have been conditioned as young girls to expect something from a man that they just can't give us.  If you always keep in mind that at any given moment if you let him feel neglected, or unloved or unappreciated, that he will find someone else to pay attention to him, someone who will make him feel like he is the be all to end all, someone who will act all flirty with him and boost his ego... then you will stay on top of things and keep him interested in you and not looking for someone else to fulfill his needs.

 

There is no need to get a divorce or end your marriage with him if he is a good guy in general and a good father...the next guy isn't going to be any better.  He was just looking for some attention and he found it.  He was probably jealous of all the attention you were getting because you were pregnant, and then the baby came and all your time was spent on him and not on your husband and your marriage.  You just figured that he loved you so he would never think about looking for another woman to fill some hole in his needs he was feeling.  Don't assume stuff like that.  Your marriage needs work, its up to you.  He will just follow along, he won't work at keeping it alive or going, so don't expect him to.  He may be crying, because he got caught, your heart has been broken.  He probably does love you and your new baby with all his heart.  Love has nothing to do with why he decided to start a "friendship" with this woman.  It has everything to do with sex, and how he feels.  Men think with their dicks and we think with our hearts...so you can see its totally different from the start.

 

You can try counceling, but it might just keep the betrayl feelings alive and not allow you to move on with just getting back on track with him.  Tell him he has your heart again in his hands and he better hold it very carefully.  Good luck Red

Red, while I agree with much of what you said, I have to ask if you make your husband wear a condom when you have sex with him? Your arguments work right up to the point where your child/husband infects you with something he caught from some faceless maniken he had sex with to relieve his selfish needs.

 

I understand that you have convinced yourself of the superiority of women because your life is nothing like you thought it would be, and it gets you through the day.

 

At what point do expect a man to act like an adult?

 
April 23, 2009, 2:38 pm CDT

lol

Quote From: ritehere

Red, while I agree with much of what you said, I have to ask if you make your husband wear a condom when you have sex with him? Your arguments work right up to the point where your child/husband infects you with something he caught from some faceless maniken he had sex with to relieve his selfish needs.

 

I understand that you have convinced yourself of the superiority of women because your life is nothing like you thought it would be, and it gets you through the day.

 

At what point do expect a man to act like an adult?

Of course condoms are a must, duh.... any woman who doesn't use one is the stupid one not the child/husband who is sleeping with anything with a pulse.  As far as women being superior, lets just say that we have more common sence, and your right my life is far from what I thought it would be... is yours what you thought it would be.  If it is than maybe its you who is kidding yourself about what your husband is doing behind your back, while he is "at work" or "out on the golf course" or "out with his buds"..

 

As for a man to act like an adult, I didn't know they could.

 
April 24, 2009, 10:45 am CDT

That's sad-

Quote From: redneon

Of course condoms are a must, duh.... any woman who doesn't use one is the stupid one not the child/husband who is sleeping with anything with a pulse.  As far as women being superior, lets just say that we have more common sence, and your right my life is far from what I thought it would be... is yours what you thought it would be.  If it is than maybe its you who is kidding yourself about what your husband is doing behind your back, while he is "at work" or "out on the golf course" or "out with his buds"..

 

As for a man to act like an adult, I didn't know they could.

No, I don't kid myself about anything, but I also don't fall into your attitudes either.

 

There are children cheaters of both genders out there. There are also people of integrity out there. Our problem and challenge in life is to find a mate that fulfills us, and not make life decisions ruled by our dreams, delusions, and hormones.

 
April 24, 2009, 1:04 pm CDT

No

Quote From: ritehere

No, I don't kid myself about anything, but I also don't fall into your attitudes either.

 

There are children cheaters of both genders out there. There are also people of integrity out there. Our problem and challenge in life is to find a mate that fulfills us, and not make life decisions ruled by our dreams, delusions, and hormones.

Thats what men do, make decisions ruled by dreams, delusions and hormones.  My problem is I have integrity and I'm not willing to come down to a cheaters level and just live with it.
 
May 1, 2009, 8:32 am CDT

Do they?

Quote From: redneon

Thats what men do, make decisions ruled by dreams, delusions and hormones.  My problem is I have integrity and I'm not willing to come down to a cheaters level and just live with it.

So I would guess that women decide to get married, or cheat on their husbands because....why exactly?

 

You don't think dreams, delusions, or homones play a role in our decisions?

 

 I think that most problems between married couples is the inability to honestly communicate what is truly important to each before they get married. Then, when one or the other doesn't fulfill an important expectation, that went unsaid, by the other, they feel rejected.

Wouldn't you agree that knowing how your partner is going to react to feelings of rejection is an important nugget of information to know before getting married?

How many of us take the time and see our lovers with clarity beforehand, to determine this?

 

The fact that you have the integrity not to cheat on your husband in the same way that he cheats on you goes to show that you are more mature than he is, and realize that it only compounds the problem. You ARE a level above him in worldly lessons.

But the fact that you put up with it, and harbor anger, sadness, frustration, loss, a sense of superiority and self-righteous condemnation only sentences you to unhappiness.

 

 

 

 

 
May 1, 2009, 3:23 pm CDT

Ritehere

Quote From: ritehere

So I would guess that women decide to get married, or cheat on their husbands because....why exactly?

 

You don't think dreams, delusions, or homones play a role in our decisions?

 

 I think that most problems between married couples is the inability to honestly communicate what is truly important to each before they get married. Then, when one or the other doesn't fulfill an important expectation, that went unsaid, by the other, they feel rejected.

Wouldn't you agree that knowing how your partner is going to react to feelings of rejection is an important nugget of information to know before getting married?

How many of us take the time and see our lovers with clarity beforehand, to determine this?

 

The fact that you have the integrity not to cheat on your husband in the same way that he cheats on you goes to show that you are more mature than he is, and realize that it only compounds the problem. You ARE a level above him in worldly lessons.

But the fact that you put up with it, and harbor anger, sadness, frustration, loss, a sense of superiority and self-righteous condemnation only sentences you to unhappiness.

 

 

 

 

I personally don't think that woman's hormones play a role in cheating, but thats just me... so please don't take it as "written in stone".... I think women cheat because their husbands have "emotionally" left the relationship and "physically" have left it, by not talking to them and making them feel like they are important to them anymore.  I think women cheat from the heart, men cheat from the ...well waist down.  I stopped having expectations of what a relationship would be like, after my first marriage ended back in 1980.  Expectations will kill a relationship faster than someone cheating.

 

I don't think you understand my circumstances.. I don't put up with cheating, never have, never, ever, ever, will.  We are no longer "together" we just happen to "have to" share the same house for the time being.. we are just room mates... since its a long story, thats all I need to tell you.  My anger comes from having to see him everyday and my sadness comes from the fact that he "screwed up" a good thing.  Enough said.  Have a good nite~Red

 
May 3, 2009, 2:09 pm CDT

My complicating life

So here goes....and advice is welcome. I recently started dating my ex husband and father of my kids. I divorced this man for being unfaithful over 2 years ago and recently fell back in love with him and wanted to make it work again. For 2 months we were so happy, well I thought we were. I was happy, the kids happy, and he was happy. He was doing everything he could to prove he is a good man for me.  Then the week I let him move back into our house I found that he was still seeing and sleeping with his ex girlfriend. He was lying to both of us. I confronted them both and they were honest with me. He loves me but was still seeing her when he could. She was heartbroken that he lied and so was I. I have been so confused for the past 3 weeks that I don't know what to do. I wish I would have just left him alone and went on with my life but I thought i was doing the right thing for my family. He is a great provider, he is great with the kids, and I know he loves me. He just can't be truthful to me or anyone else. What do I do. Do I let it ride for a while and see what happens? Or do I call it quits now before my kids get used to this life again? We were together for 10 years and then divorced for 2. I thought he had changed. I could see a spark again and I fell for it head over heels. Now I am crushed again....
 
May 4, 2009, 3:29 pm CDT

cut your losses now

Quote From: wvgirl1978

So here goes....and advice is welcome. I recently started dating my ex husband and father of my kids. I divorced this man for being unfaithful over 2 years ago and recently fell back in love with him and wanted to make it work again. For 2 months we were so happy, well I thought we were. I was happy, the kids happy, and he was happy. He was doing everything he could to prove he is a good man for me.  Then the week I let him move back into our house I found that he was still seeing and sleeping with his ex girlfriend. He was lying to both of us. I confronted them both and they were honest with me. He loves me but was still seeing her when he could. She was heartbroken that he lied and so was I. I have been so confused for the past 3 weeks that I don't know what to do. I wish I would have just left him alone and went on with my life but I thought i was doing the right thing for my family. He is a great provider, he is great with the kids, and I know he loves me. He just can't be truthful to me or anyone else. What do I do. Do I let it ride for a while and see what happens? Or do I call it quits now before my kids get used to this life again? We were together for 10 years and then divorced for 2. I thought he had changed. I could see a spark again and I fell for it head over heels. Now I am crushed again....

before your kids take the worst of it by seeing this as Mommy and Daddy getting back together and then having it fall apart down the road.  He hasn't changed, and probably won't.  Do you want to continue to feel this way time after time.  Do you want to have the bottom of your heart fall out, feel stressed, worry about where he is, what he is doing and with whom?  This is what it is, he is what he is... is he right for you, only if you can live with a liar and a cheater and not have it affect you or your kids life.  It takes a desperate woman to want to live with someone who has so little regard for your happiness and your childrens well being.  What is it that Dr P says, "the only thing worse than being unhappy for10 years is being unhappy for 10yrs and a day"!  or this one "kids would rather be from a broken home than live in a broken home".....

 

You had him out of your life for 2yrs... he didn't learn a thing from why you broke up...obviously.... you just taught him that he can sweet talk you into taking him back and you will put up with this behaviour.  No woman who has any selfworth will live with a man like this... toss him back honey... yhour better than that!  Good luck... really....

 
May 5, 2009, 5:07 am CDT

i wish i had that chance

Quote From: redneon

before your kids take the worst of it by seeing this as Mommy and Daddy getting back together and then having it fall apart down the road.  He hasn't changed, and probably won't.  Do you want to continue to feel this way time after time.  Do you want to have the bottom of your heart fall out, feel stressed, worry about where he is, what he is doing and with whom?  This is what it is, he is what he is... is he right for you, only if you can live with a liar and a cheater and not have it affect you or your kids life.  It takes a desperate woman to want to live with someone who has so little regard for your happiness and your childrens well being.  What is it that Dr P says, "the only thing worse than being unhappy for10 years is being unhappy for 10yrs and a day"!  or this one "kids would rather be from a broken home than live in a broken home".....

 

You had him out of your life for 2yrs... he didn't learn a thing from why you broke up...obviously.... you just taught him that he can sweet talk you into taking him back and you will put up with this behaviour.  No woman who has any selfworth will live with a man like this... toss him back honey... yhour better than that!  Good luck... really....

let me start by saying i cheated on my wife and now she doesnt know if she wants to work on our marriage. we have a seven and a ten year old. i would do anything and i mean anything to have one more chance to get my family back. i cant believe this man has a chance after 2 yrs. of divorce to have his wife be in love with him again. he just doesnt get it...this makes me so mad. i hate to say leave because i am so pro marriage but he doesnt respect you or his family and he just sits there and lies to everyone, including himself.....good luck and stay strong 
 
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