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Topic : Infidelity

Number of Replies: 4739
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:02:24 pm
Author : dataimport
Has your partner been unfaithful? Have you been the one to stray? Share your advice and support with others that have experienced infidelity.

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March 11, 2009, 10:43 am CDT

Need advice

I'm sad, confused, hurt, angry, well you name it and I am feeling it right now.  Its been a month since I came across some emails in my husbands account.  He left his screen open and I looked..sometimes I wish I never did.  I no longer know who this man is who I have loved for the past seven years.  I look at him and I think "did I ever know him"?  It really is true, that if a man isn't getting sex at home, he will look elsewhere, it's not just a saying.

I will give you some background so maybe someone can give me some good advice from their experience.  We have been together 7yrs, he has been kind, generous, nice,a good provider, we never argue or fight.  We don't talk either, not about important stuff or share our feelings in any way.  We talk about our "day" or little things but thats it.  I have tried to explain to him that our communication sucks..no change.  Our sex life has been good, 5-7days a week. for 7yrs...but boring and selfish on his part.  He always wants me to make the first move, late last year I told him I was tired of it and wanted him to act like a man sometimes, and I wouldn't be making the first move anymore. 

It backfired on me, cause instead of stepping up with me, he decided to step out on me.  He thought it would be easier to make a profile on a "sex wanted" web site than it was to talk to me about why we weren't having sex or to do what I asked and just  initiate sex with me. 

When I questioned him after us not having sex for two months, about where he was "getting" it from, he said he wasn't cheating..but I had this gut feeling .  I gave in and we started having sex again after those two months.  My gutt was still telling me something was wrong, so when he left his email opened in February, I went thru his folders. He forgot to empty his "sent" folder and there they were 4 emails.  But get this, they were to a man, not a woman.  He denied it at first, said it was a woman he met at work, but that he never went thru with meeting her for sex cause he didn't want to cheat and ruin our relationship. 

He promply deleted the emails, but the more I went over the emails in my head the more I knew the wording was from a man to a man, not a woman and that the code used was for a sex profile site.  I pushed the issue and he said yes, it was a man, cause  he was the only one on the sex site that contacted him and maybe sex with a man would be better than no sex at all.  He then said he chickened out cause he really couldn't see himself doing it with a man and so he never went to meet him.

I can 't get the fact out of my head that he even considered having sex with a man, even if it was a fleeting thought.  The eewwwhhh factor keeps going thru my head over and over.  I never in my wildest dreams imagined that he would step out, or that his moral compass would go that far off north.  Like I said, I look at him now and wonder who he is!

My first instinct was to pack up and leave him, till reality struck and I have no income, no place to go and am unable to work.  I also have a 7yr old to worry about..  Cheating has always been a deal breaker for me.  I keep telling myself that I have no proof that he slept with anyone, so he is only guilty of looking to cheat not actually cheating.  I do this so I can have a place to live and someone to look after us.  I really don't have the same feelings for him, but I cant do it on my own, I can not survive on my disability pension and put a roof over my son's head and food on the table.  I have never in my life been dependant on a man before and feel trapped and scared right now.  I have always been a working full time woman who paid her own way in life and raised a family.  Now I feel so weak and useless and well,,,trapped in this relationship.

I don't know what to do.  I want to go to counseling, he says he doesn't need it,,,but WE need it.  He says we can figure things out on our own.  He is trying, he is affectionate again, he is trying to talk more, but still not about important stuff.  He says he knows I won't just "forget" overnight and is very, very, sorry for setting up the sex profile. ( Yeah, he is sorry he forgot to dump his "sent" folder...   )Now I have sex with him cause I'm afraid if I don't he will do this again.. bad reason to have sex!  He says he loves me and doesn't want me to leave him..he is still afraid I might.  He is afraid I might tell someone we know or our family if we split up, why we split up.  Every day I still try to find a logical way in my head to leave him and support my son and I without him.  I can't find a way to do that, sometimes I wish I could, other times the thought makes me so scared I want to throw up.  I still can't believe that he wanted to betray our future together for the sake of sex.  I even asked him if he had some sort of sexual addiction that he needed help with... I mean can't a man go a month or two or even more without sex?  I feel that once the sex stopped we really had no relationship and thats not a good thought to have.

Has anyone here stayed with a man who did something like this or actually cheated and were caught? Were you able to work it out and stay together?  Did you go for counseling?  Did it help or make things worse talking about it and keeping it fresh in your head and heart?   Any ideas or help?
Thanks KPG1956
 
March 19, 2009, 12:11 pm CDT

Lieing wife

Quote From: srbluvslab

I went through something very similar to what you are going through. Everyday since is a struggle. I am so hypersensitive to everything now when before I was completely trusting, obviously in hindsight to a fault. Spouses that get angry because their spouse "snooped" to catch them would have done the same thing if roles were reversed. Gettinga angry about the snooping is just a ploy to try and turn the "blame" around on the snooping spouse. I am glad and proud I snooped. To not do it would have made me a foolish dope. 

  

Hang in there. It gets better eventually. 

It's nice to see someone else who has snooped lol.

I was starting to think I'm crazy. My wife's parents

have let me know I need medication since I checked

up on my wife's whereabouts a handful of times after

we seperated. Even though she was caught lieing to

me about where she was, a guy calling her one day etc.

they still think I'm out of my mind for acting like that..

That I'm "over-inflating things"

What's sad is we have a 19 m/o little girl :( So I'm just

backing off and letting her "find herself" as she puts it.


Cheers,

Josh

 
March 24, 2009, 10:03 am CDT

Can't Cope

Hello, everyone!  I amnew to this particular board but I am in desperate need of advice.  I am a caregiver for the mentally anddevelopmentally handicapped.  I am usedto providing the care, not accepting it. It is not an easy thing for me to ask for help so here goes…  

   

I have been married to my husband for going on 3 years (July2006).  We have been together going on 8years(June 2001) now.  We were engaged inOctober of 2004.  We have been through alot in our relationship, even a near death for him and two major surgeries.  I thought we were so strong and could make itthrough fire, through anything together. Boy, was I ever so wrong.  

   

 February 5thof this year, my husband admitted to me that he had an emotional affair“almost”(which I’m not sure I believe they didn’t) having sex with her fouryears ago, a year before we married.  Wehad been engaged about 6 months.  He hadcontact with this woman from April until Nov, the day we set our weddingdate.  I never had a clue.    

   

He sings in a band. That’s where he met this woman. She was the gf of the guy who ran their light show.  Everyone in this band, including the wivesand gf’s of the members, knew about this affair.  They were friends to my face but not one hadthe respect for me to tell me the truth. They all stood at our wedding and let me marry this man…even his parentsand the best man knew.  Not one personsaid a word.  This has left me feeling violatedand extremely betrayed.  

   

It has now been 6 weeks since I have learned of this affairand I am not getting any better.  Infact, I am getting much worse.  All we dois fight.  He won’t talk to me about anyof it.  He won’t even tell me why thishappened and how we can prevent it from ever happening again.  He tells me I’m crazy because all I do is cryand feel sick.  He thinks I should justget over it because it happened four years ago. Truth is, it just happened for me…he’s had four years to cope and hide andperfect.  I’ve had 6 weeks…    

   

I don’t know what to do. I can’t sleep, I can’t and absolutely refuse to eat(I’ve lost 30 poundsthat I don’t really have to lose), I can’t think straight, I can’t look at hisparents and not feel disgust, I can’t look at these ppl who were supposed to befriends and not feel like a fool, I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m hurt, I’m on adownward spiral that I can’t stop.    

   

We don’t have insurance. My husband just started a new job and my company is small so it does notoffer coverage.  I know I need help tolearn healthy coping mechanisms and just to learn to love myself enough but Ican’t afford a doctor or therapy.  Doesanyone know how I can learn to deal with this and move on without destroyingmyself in the process?  

 
April 6, 2009, 4:09 pm CDT

There is no manual for what to do when you have a 4 month old and your husband cheats!

I would appreciate any advice I can get! 

I have been married for two years and I am a new mother to a four month old baby boy.

A few days ago I had a dream that my husband was cheating.  It bothered me so much I decided to look through his phone...which he knows I have done from time to time.  I found some messages and a picture from a women showing her new breast implants!  Then I did some more searching and found a picture he had taken of himself (his private area) and sent to her. 

I decided to confront her first and then try and match their stories.  I asked her if she was aware that my husband was married and had a four month old child and she said "yes"!  Then she told me that they had been talking for several months as friends (not really sure how you consider pornographic photos friendly).  She said they saw eachother once with a group of friends.  She swore that there was no physical contact!  My husbands story was exactly the same so I am pretty sure that it had not progressed to a full blown affair but it was heading in that direction.  I am sure it would have become sexual if I had not found out.

What I want to know is where do I go from here?  Do I file for divorce and move on with my life or do I try and save the marriage for the sake of our son?  I was completely in love with my husband and 100% shocked that he would do this to our new family. I know he is in love with me and that is why I am so suprised.  He has not stopped crying and begging to be with his family.  He says he will do anything it takes even if it takes years to fix this.

I would appreciate any advice I can get.  I was not expecting to face anything like this and especially not when we have such a new baby.  I am so angry and hurt.  I feel like he has stollen all the joy of being a new mommy and I can hardly care for my baby I am so upset.

I would like some opinions on whether to stay or move on and how to cope so I can contnue to be a good mom.

 

 
April 13, 2009, 9:07 am CDT

Counseling

Quote From: blondeniki

I would appreciate any advice I can get! 

I have been married for two years and I am a new mother to a four month old baby boy.

A few days ago I had a dream that my husband was cheating.  It bothered me so much I decided to look through his phone...which he knows I have done from time to time.  I found some messages and a picture from a women showing her new breast implants!  Then I did some more searching and found a picture he had taken of himself (his private area) and sent to her. 

I decided to confront her first and then try and match their stories.  I asked her if she was aware that my husband was married and had a four month old child and she said "yes"!  Then she told me that they had been talking for several months as friends (not really sure how you consider pornographic photos friendly).  She said they saw eachother once with a group of friends.  She swore that there was no physical contact!  My husbands story was exactly the same so I am pretty sure that it had not progressed to a full blown affair but it was heading in that direction.  I am sure it would have become sexual if I had not found out.

What I want to know is where do I go from here?  Do I file for divorce and move on with my life or do I try and save the marriage for the sake of our son?  I was completely in love with my husband and 100% shocked that he would do this to our new family. I know he is in love with me and that is why I am so suprised.  He has not stopped crying and begging to be with his family.  He says he will do anything it takes even if it takes years to fix this.

I would appreciate any advice I can get.  I was not expecting to face anything like this and especially not when we have such a new baby.  I am so angry and hurt.  I feel like he has stollen all the joy of being a new mommy and I can hardly care for my baby I am so upset.

I would like some opinions on whether to stay or move on and how to cope so I can contnue to be a good mom.

 

Get thee to a marriage counselor, and find a good one!

Nobody can answer the question of whether to stay or go but you and your husband.  And counseling can help you to answer that question.

Too often we view counseling as "fixing" one or the other, but it is really about showing us our true selves. Then we either decide to change our behavior, or not. Counseling can help you to change if you wish to. It is the willingness of your partner to change their bad behavior that you look for. If there is dishonesty and phoniness, you will pick up on it. Then you will truly know whether he is worth keeping or not.

Of course, if he refuses to get counseling with you at all, this is an answer also....

 
April 16, 2009, 12:44 pm CDT

I hear what your saying

Quote From: blondeniki

I would appreciate any advice I can get! 

I have been married for two years and I am a new mother to a four month old baby boy.

A few days ago I had a dream that my husband was cheating.  It bothered me so much I decided to look through his phone...which he knows I have done from time to time.  I found some messages and a picture from a women showing her new breast implants!  Then I did some more searching and found a picture he had taken of himself (his private area) and sent to her. 

I decided to confront her first and then try and match their stories.  I asked her if she was aware that my husband was married and had a four month old child and she said "yes"!  Then she told me that they had been talking for several months as friends (not really sure how you consider pornographic photos friendly).  She said they saw eachother once with a group of friends.  She swore that there was no physical contact!  My husbands story was exactly the same so I am pretty sure that it had not progressed to a full blown affair but it was heading in that direction.  I am sure it would have become sexual if I had not found out.

What I want to know is where do I go from here?  Do I file for divorce and move on with my life or do I try and save the marriage for the sake of our son?  I was completely in love with my husband and 100% shocked that he would do this to our new family. I know he is in love with me and that is why I am so suprised.  He has not stopped crying and begging to be with his family.  He says he will do anything it takes even if it takes years to fix this.

I would appreciate any advice I can get.  I was not expecting to face anything like this and especially not when we have such a new baby.  I am so angry and hurt.  I feel like he has stollen all the joy of being a new mommy and I can hardly care for my baby I am so upset.

I would like some opinions on whether to stay or move on and how to cope so I can contnue to be a good mom.

 

I myself have felt the pain of betrayel many times in my 52 yrs on this earth, and know what it feels like.  The first thing you have to do is ask yourself why your husband felt it was ok to have this new"friend" to begin with.  Was he feeling neglected because you were pregnant, he wasn't getting enough sexual affection from you, he didn't feel appreciated he was jealous? 

 

There are some things that I have learned over the years.  The first one is, there is no man who can be faithful for your entire relationship/marriage.  I know alot of women will tell me I'm wrong, but its a given fact.  Men think about sex every 52 seconds, thats every hour of every day!  They arn't always thinking about having it with you either.  Personally they don't care who they have sex with, they just want to have it,,and often.  If the oportunity arrises they will have an affair.  If you can wrap your mind around that, realize that this is a big flaw in the way men think,,, it will help you keep your relationship on track. If you can get this, then your expectations won't be so high and your marriage will last. 

 

There is no such thing as a man who will turn down sex for the sake of keeping a relationship faithful.  Commitment, faithfulness are not part of their vocabulary, its part of our vocabulary.

 

Its really up to you, you are the one that can help keep your relationship on track, but if he does have an affair, its not all your fault... its just men, it how they are.  Men want to be important.  They want us as women to almost fawn over them, to stroke their egos on a daily basis.  You can do this by telling him how great he was at fixing -this or that- how great he was feeding the baby- how hard he works at making a living for your family- well you get my point.  Never expect him to fawn all over you, they just expect women to be there for them to have sex with and they don't have to do much to keep us. And its no big deal in the long run if we leave and file for divorce..they don't want to pay child support, so it hurts them in their pockets, but there will be another woman along for them to have sex with and keep their home and cook their meals and wash their clothes...so you leaving is no big deal.

 

You also need to be physical with him, daily sex, physically kissing him, holding his hand, touching him in some way.  Why you may ask? Because to a man, this is how he knows that your interested in him and he is important to you.  He wants to think that your just as hot to have sex with him as he is to have sex with you.  Of course we have other things on our mind, and a zillion other things to do, like clean,cook, laundry, but that doesn't count to them.

 

Just having a baby, means nothing to a man, when all he thinks about is having sex with you.  He wants it, and it doesn't mean beans to him if you have to get up every 3 hours to feed a baby. He wants you to fit in some sex inbetween the feedings.  They also want you to make the first move once in a while and be receptive when he does.

 

You need to make a special time to be alone with each other.  It can't always be  baby this or baby that.  It was just the two of you once, and he needs the attention just the same now.  Have a date nite, get a sitter, or grandparents to watch the baby or switch off with a neighbour,,and the two of you go out and have dinner, or go to a motel room and have sex (with protection) of course.

 

Men are shallow, we women need to realize this or we will never be able to live with one and have a "long term " relationship or marriage.  Its us women that focus on marriage, commitment, faithfulness, we expect what men can not give us.  We have been conditioned as young girls to expect something from a man that they just can't give us.  If you always keep in mind that at any given moment if you let him feel neglected, or unloved or unappreciated, that he will find someone else to pay attention to him, someone who will make him feel like he is the be all to end all, someone who will act all flirty with him and boost his ego... then you will stay on top of things and keep him interested in you and not looking for someone else to fulfill his needs.

 

There is no need to get a divorce or end your marriage with him if he is a good guy in general and a good father...the next guy isn't going to be any better.  He was just looking for some attention and he found it.  He was probably jealous of all the attention you were getting because you were pregnant, and then the baby came and all your time was spent on him and not on your husband and your marriage.  You just figured that he loved you so he would never think about looking for another woman to fill some hole in his needs he was feeling.  Don't assume stuff like that.  Your marriage needs work, its up to you.  He will just follow along, he won't work at keeping it alive or going, so don't expect him to.  He may be crying, because he got caught, your heart has been broken.  He probably does love you and your new baby with all his heart.  Love has nothing to do with why he decided to start a "friendship" with this woman.  It has everything to do with sex, and how he feels.  Men think with their dicks and we think with our hearts...so you can see its totally different from the start.

 

You can try counceling, but it might just keep the betrayl feelings alive and not allow you to move on with just getting back on track with him.  Tell him he has your heart again in his hands and he better hold it very carefully.  Good luck ~Red

 
April 21, 2009, 9:45 am CDT

Sadness and anger

Quote From: redneon

I myself have felt the pain of betrayel many times in my 52 yrs on this earth, and know what it feels like.  The first thing you have to do is ask yourself why your husband felt it was ok to have this new"friend" to begin with.  Was he feeling neglected because you were pregnant, he wasn't getting enough sexual affection from you, he didn't feel appreciated he was jealous? 

 

There are some things that I have learned over the years.  The first one is, there is no man who can be faithful for your entire relationship/marriage.  I know alot of women will tell me I'm wrong, but its a given fact.  Men think about sex every 52 seconds, thats every hour of every day!  They arn't always thinking about having it with you either.  Personally they don't care who they have sex with, they just want to have it,,and often.  If the oportunity arrises they will have an affair.  If you can wrap your mind around that, realize that this is a big flaw in the way men think,,, it will help you keep your relationship on track. If you can get this, then your expectations won't be so high and your marriage will last. 

 

There is no such thing as a man who will turn down sex for the sake of keeping a relationship faithful.  Commitment, faithfulness are not part of their vocabulary, its part of our vocabulary.

 

Its really up to you, you are the one that can help keep your relationship on track, but if he does have an affair, its not all your fault... its just men, it how they are.  Men want to be important.  They want us as women to almost fawn over them, to stroke their egos on a daily basis.  You can do this by telling him how great he was at fixing -this or that- how great he was feeding the baby- how hard he works at making a living for your family- well you get my point.  Never expect him to fawn all over you, they just expect women to be there for them to have sex with and they don't have to do much to keep us. And its no big deal in the long run if we leave and file for divorce..they don't want to pay child support, so it hurts them in their pockets, but there will be another woman along for them to have sex with and keep their home and cook their meals and wash their clothes...so you leaving is no big deal.

 

You also need to be physical with him, daily sex, physically kissing him, holding his hand, touching him in some way.  Why you may ask? Because to a man, this is how he knows that your interested in him and he is important to you.  He wants to think that your just as hot to have sex with him as he is to have sex with you.  Of course we have other things on our mind, and a zillion other things to do, like clean,cook, laundry, but that doesn't count to them.

 

Just having a baby, means nothing to a man, when all he thinks about is having sex with you.  He wants it, and it doesn't mean beans to him if you have to get up every 3 hours to feed a baby. He wants you to fit in some sex inbetween the feedings.  They also want you to make the first move once in a while and be receptive when he does.

 

You need to make a special time to be alone with each other.  It can't always be  baby this or baby that.  It was just the two of you once, and he needs the attention just the same now.  Have a date nite, get a sitter, or grandparents to watch the baby or switch off with a neighbour,,and the two of you go out and have dinner, or go to a motel room and have sex (with protection) of course.

 

Men are shallow, we women need to realize this or we will never be able to live with one and have a "long term " relationship or marriage.  Its us women that focus on marriage, commitment, faithfulness, we expect what men can not give us.  We have been conditioned as young girls to expect something from a man that they just can't give us.  If you always keep in mind that at any given moment if you let him feel neglected, or unloved or unappreciated, that he will find someone else to pay attention to him, someone who will make him feel like he is the be all to end all, someone who will act all flirty with him and boost his ego... then you will stay on top of things and keep him interested in you and not looking for someone else to fulfill his needs.

 

There is no need to get a divorce or end your marriage with him if he is a good guy in general and a good father...the next guy isn't going to be any better.  He was just looking for some attention and he found it.  He was probably jealous of all the attention you were getting because you were pregnant, and then the baby came and all your time was spent on him and not on your husband and your marriage.  You just figured that he loved you so he would never think about looking for another woman to fill some hole in his needs he was feeling.  Don't assume stuff like that.  Your marriage needs work, its up to you.  He will just follow along, he won't work at keeping it alive or going, so don't expect him to.  He may be crying, because he got caught, your heart has been broken.  He probably does love you and your new baby with all his heart.  Love has nothing to do with why he decided to start a "friendship" with this woman.  It has everything to do with sex, and how he feels.  Men think with their dicks and we think with our hearts...so you can see its totally different from the start.

 

You can try counceling, but it might just keep the betrayl feelings alive and not allow you to move on with just getting back on track with him.  Tell him he has your heart again in his hands and he better hold it very carefully.  Good luck Red

Red, while I agree with much of what you said, I have to ask if you make your husband wear a condom when you have sex with him? Your arguments work right up to the point where your child/husband infects you with something he caught from some faceless maniken he had sex with to relieve his selfish needs.

 

I understand that you have convinced yourself of the superiority of women because your life is nothing like you thought it would be, and it gets you through the day.

 

At what point do expect a man to act like an adult?

 
April 23, 2009, 2:38 pm CDT

lol

Quote From: ritehere

Red, while I agree with much of what you said, I have to ask if you make your husband wear a condom when you have sex with him? Your arguments work right up to the point where your child/husband infects you with something he caught from some faceless maniken he had sex with to relieve his selfish needs.

 

I understand that you have convinced yourself of the superiority of women because your life is nothing like you thought it would be, and it gets you through the day.

 

At what point do expect a man to act like an adult?

Of course condoms are a must, duh.... any woman who doesn't use one is the stupid one not the child/husband who is sleeping with anything with a pulse.  As far as women being superior, lets just say that we have more common sence, and your right my life is far from what I thought it would be... is yours what you thought it would be.  If it is than maybe its you who is kidding yourself about what your husband is doing behind your back, while he is "at work" or "out on the golf course" or "out with his buds"..

 

As for a man to act like an adult, I didn't know they could.

 
April 24, 2009, 10:45 am CDT

That's sad-

Quote From: redneon

Of course condoms are a must, duh.... any woman who doesn't use one is the stupid one not the child/husband who is sleeping with anything with a pulse.  As far as women being superior, lets just say that we have more common sence, and your right my life is far from what I thought it would be... is yours what you thought it would be.  If it is than maybe its you who is kidding yourself about what your husband is doing behind your back, while he is "at work" or "out on the golf course" or "out with his buds"..

 

As for a man to act like an adult, I didn't know they could.

No, I don't kid myself about anything, but I also don't fall into your attitudes either.

 

There are children cheaters of both genders out there. There are also people of integrity out there. Our problem and challenge in life is to find a mate that fulfills us, and not make life decisions ruled by our dreams, delusions, and hormones.

 
April 24, 2009, 1:04 pm CDT

No

Quote From: ritehere

No, I don't kid myself about anything, but I also don't fall into your attitudes either.

 

There are children cheaters of both genders out there. There are also people of integrity out there. Our problem and challenge in life is to find a mate that fulfills us, and not make life decisions ruled by our dreams, delusions, and hormones.

Thats what men do, make decisions ruled by dreams, delusions and hormones.  My problem is I have integrity and I'm not willing to come down to a cheaters level and just live with it.
 
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