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Topic : Infidelity

Number of Replies: 4739
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:02:24 pm
Author : dataimport
Has your partner been unfaithful? Have you been the one to stray? Share your advice and support with others that have experienced infidelity.

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May 1, 2009, 8:32 am CDT

Do they?

Quote From: redneon

Thats what men do, make decisions ruled by dreams, delusions and hormones.  My problem is I have integrity and I'm not willing to come down to a cheaters level and just live with it.

So I would guess that women decide to get married, or cheat on their husbands because....why exactly?

 

You don't think dreams, delusions, or homones play a role in our decisions?

 

 I think that most problems between married couples is the inability to honestly communicate what is truly important to each before they get married. Then, when one or the other doesn't fulfill an important expectation, that went unsaid, by the other, they feel rejected.

Wouldn't you agree that knowing how your partner is going to react to feelings of rejection is an important nugget of information to know before getting married?

How many of us take the time and see our lovers with clarity beforehand, to determine this?

 

The fact that you have the integrity not to cheat on your husband in the same way that he cheats on you goes to show that you are more mature than he is, and realize that it only compounds the problem. You ARE a level above him in worldly lessons.

But the fact that you put up with it, and harbor anger, sadness, frustration, loss, a sense of superiority and self-righteous condemnation only sentences you to unhappiness.

 

 

 

 

 
May 1, 2009, 3:23 pm CDT

Ritehere

Quote From: ritehere

So I would guess that women decide to get married, or cheat on their husbands because....why exactly?

 

You don't think dreams, delusions, or homones play a role in our decisions?

 

 I think that most problems between married couples is the inability to honestly communicate what is truly important to each before they get married. Then, when one or the other doesn't fulfill an important expectation, that went unsaid, by the other, they feel rejected.

Wouldn't you agree that knowing how your partner is going to react to feelings of rejection is an important nugget of information to know before getting married?

How many of us take the time and see our lovers with clarity beforehand, to determine this?

 

The fact that you have the integrity not to cheat on your husband in the same way that he cheats on you goes to show that you are more mature than he is, and realize that it only compounds the problem. You ARE a level above him in worldly lessons.

But the fact that you put up with it, and harbor anger, sadness, frustration, loss, a sense of superiority and self-righteous condemnation only sentences you to unhappiness.

 

 

 

 

I personally don't think that woman's hormones play a role in cheating, but thats just me... so please don't take it as "written in stone".... I think women cheat because their husbands have "emotionally" left the relationship and "physically" have left it, by not talking to them and making them feel like they are important to them anymore.  I think women cheat from the heart, men cheat from the ...well waist down.  I stopped having expectations of what a relationship would be like, after my first marriage ended back in 1980.  Expectations will kill a relationship faster than someone cheating.

 

I don't think you understand my circumstances.. I don't put up with cheating, never have, never, ever, ever, will.  We are no longer "together" we just happen to "have to" share the same house for the time being.. we are just room mates... since its a long story, thats all I need to tell you.  My anger comes from having to see him everyday and my sadness comes from the fact that he "screwed up" a good thing.  Enough said.  Have a good nite~Red

 
May 3, 2009, 2:09 pm CDT

My complicating life

So here goes....and advice is welcome. I recently started dating my ex husband and father of my kids. I divorced this man for being unfaithful over 2 years ago and recently fell back in love with him and wanted to make it work again. For 2 months we were so happy, well I thought we were. I was happy, the kids happy, and he was happy. He was doing everything he could to prove he is a good man for me.  Then the week I let him move back into our house I found that he was still seeing and sleeping with his ex girlfriend. He was lying to both of us. I confronted them both and they were honest with me. He loves me but was still seeing her when he could. She was heartbroken that he lied and so was I. I have been so confused for the past 3 weeks that I don't know what to do. I wish I would have just left him alone and went on with my life but I thought i was doing the right thing for my family. He is a great provider, he is great with the kids, and I know he loves me. He just can't be truthful to me or anyone else. What do I do. Do I let it ride for a while and see what happens? Or do I call it quits now before my kids get used to this life again? We were together for 10 years and then divorced for 2. I thought he had changed. I could see a spark again and I fell for it head over heels. Now I am crushed again....
 
May 4, 2009, 3:29 pm CDT

cut your losses now

Quote From: wvgirl1978

So here goes....and advice is welcome. I recently started dating my ex husband and father of my kids. I divorced this man for being unfaithful over 2 years ago and recently fell back in love with him and wanted to make it work again. For 2 months we were so happy, well I thought we were. I was happy, the kids happy, and he was happy. He was doing everything he could to prove he is a good man for me.  Then the week I let him move back into our house I found that he was still seeing and sleeping with his ex girlfriend. He was lying to both of us. I confronted them both and they were honest with me. He loves me but was still seeing her when he could. She was heartbroken that he lied and so was I. I have been so confused for the past 3 weeks that I don't know what to do. I wish I would have just left him alone and went on with my life but I thought i was doing the right thing for my family. He is a great provider, he is great with the kids, and I know he loves me. He just can't be truthful to me or anyone else. What do I do. Do I let it ride for a while and see what happens? Or do I call it quits now before my kids get used to this life again? We were together for 10 years and then divorced for 2. I thought he had changed. I could see a spark again and I fell for it head over heels. Now I am crushed again....

before your kids take the worst of it by seeing this as Mommy and Daddy getting back together and then having it fall apart down the road.  He hasn't changed, and probably won't.  Do you want to continue to feel this way time after time.  Do you want to have the bottom of your heart fall out, feel stressed, worry about where he is, what he is doing and with whom?  This is what it is, he is what he is... is he right for you, only if you can live with a liar and a cheater and not have it affect you or your kids life.  It takes a desperate woman to want to live with someone who has so little regard for your happiness and your childrens well being.  What is it that Dr P says, "the only thing worse than being unhappy for10 years is being unhappy for 10yrs and a day"!  or this one "kids would rather be from a broken home than live in a broken home".....

 

You had him out of your life for 2yrs... he didn't learn a thing from why you broke up...obviously.... you just taught him that he can sweet talk you into taking him back and you will put up with this behaviour.  No woman who has any selfworth will live with a man like this... toss him back honey... yhour better than that!  Good luck... really....

 
May 5, 2009, 5:07 am CDT

i wish i had that chance

Quote From: redneon

before your kids take the worst of it by seeing this as Mommy and Daddy getting back together and then having it fall apart down the road.  He hasn't changed, and probably won't.  Do you want to continue to feel this way time after time.  Do you want to have the bottom of your heart fall out, feel stressed, worry about where he is, what he is doing and with whom?  This is what it is, he is what he is... is he right for you, only if you can live with a liar and a cheater and not have it affect you or your kids life.  It takes a desperate woman to want to live with someone who has so little regard for your happiness and your childrens well being.  What is it that Dr P says, "the only thing worse than being unhappy for10 years is being unhappy for 10yrs and a day"!  or this one "kids would rather be from a broken home than live in a broken home".....

 

You had him out of your life for 2yrs... he didn't learn a thing from why you broke up...obviously.... you just taught him that he can sweet talk you into taking him back and you will put up with this behaviour.  No woman who has any selfworth will live with a man like this... toss him back honey... yhour better than that!  Good luck... really....

let me start by saying i cheated on my wife and now she doesnt know if she wants to work on our marriage. we have a seven and a ten year old. i would do anything and i mean anything to have one more chance to get my family back. i cant believe this man has a chance after 2 yrs. of divorce to have his wife be in love with him again. he just doesnt get it...this makes me so mad. i hate to say leave because i am so pro marriage but he doesnt respect you or his family and he just sits there and lies to everyone, including himself.....good luck and stay strong 
 
May 5, 2009, 6:06 am CDT

jake1212

Quote From: jake1212

let me start by saying i cheated on my wife and now she doesnt know if she wants to work on our marriage. we have a seven and a ten year old. i would do anything and i mean anything to have one more chance to get my family back. i cant believe this man has a chance after 2 yrs. of divorce to have his wife be in love with him again. he just doesnt get it...this makes me so mad. i hate to say leave because i am so pro marriage but he doesnt respect you or his family and he just sits there and lies to everyone, including himself.....good luck and stay strong 

So Jake, tell me... why did you cheat?  What was so wrong in your marriage that you turned away from your wife and into the arms of someone else?  I'm curious as to why men act without forethought of the consequences of their actions and the hurt that betrayal brings...  Has she already left the family home or kicked you out..or are you still under one roof.  If your still under one roof you have a better chance.

 

I can tell you from a female perspective that when a husband cheats it makes the bottom of our heart fall out on the floor and feels like you stomped on it a zillion times..... If you get it, really get it then you better be more transparent than a picture window.  You better show her with affection (outside of the bedroom) with words (tell her you love her often, tell her your sorry often) and if you say your going somewhere you better be where you say you are going she will probably follow you for a while.  Spend time with her, listen to her, let her vent, let her be angry, she is going to have alot of anger and then cry for days on end.  But you have to let her talk, ask questions (do not give her any intimate details though it only hurts more) and you have to let her get that anger out of her system. 

 

Acknowledge that you screwed up and its your fault that she feels like she does.... and I would suggest counseling... if possible for the both of you, if not she needs to go alone... you just cut her selfesteme down 20 pegs and by cheating you told her you weren't the trustworthy man she thought you were... that has to built back up.

 

Don't hide from this if you really want her in your life... pursue what you want..and good luck..~Red

 
May 6, 2009, 7:31 am CDT

Infidelity

Quote From: halo_6

About eight months ago my husband, three children and I moved from my hometown and comfort zone and yes my entire support system. My husband was fired and found work forty five miles away and with fuel prices it only made sense to move. My H suffers from an emotionally hurtful past and has his bouts of depression and we have been married 4 1/2 years and have three children and a forth on the way. SO obviously he isn't deprived sexually.

Anyways, I started noticing changes in him a few months ago but I thought it was his christmas depression which he has gotten like clock work for at least five years now.  After christmas he really encouraged me to start doing day care again, because it would help with money and give me "something to do",  I am a stay at home mom I don't lack for things to do. But he knew a couple that he worked with that had two children the same age as our older two and so I agreed. He also often (prior to me caring for these children) wanted to go out to this couples house and eat, drink, and altogther be merry. Personally I didn't like this couple but I decided I need to make new friends and I can't do it without trying to be nice.

My H was often on the phone in which for a while I suspected was the other H but as time wore on I realized it was HER. My H would then hand me the phone and encourage the "friendship" between her and I. Once I started watching their kids I told my H I can't go to their house and vice versa, I needed time off too, and since I am the only nonsmoker I was constantly in charge of watching all the kids while my H and HER and her H smoked.

My H started just going to their house with out me and I started noticing the only thing he ever talked about was HER, work, HER, money problems, HER, etc...

So a couple of weeks ago I had a dream that SHE and he ran off together, I woke him up and told him my dream; he didn't give me the reaction I expected. I doubled my efforts to be involved in his life, I went to Napa and got the parts for is truck, made his favorite dinners and desserts and tried having conversations with him, but he took no notice. My suspicion was not unfounded.

Sunday night we were in bed and I could tell he was longing to confess something, I prepared myself for what I thought was the worst but what he said was actually way worse.

He told me he was falling in love with this woman and they had plans to run away together and split her two kids and take one of our own. I have been emotionally sick since. I feel completely derailed. Monday was a mess; Yesterday was our son's fifth birthday and my H took us out and spent the nearly three hundred dollars cash he has been hiding from me for his run away. I was temporarily relieved when he spent it. Then we got home and we got a phone call from mutual friends that SHE had left her H and could possibly be on her way over. But my H went to bed and we laid there listening. SHE was outside, then my H informed me that they were supposed to meet at 11:00 to "leave" and he didn't actually tell HER he wasn't going. But he stayed in bed and didn't answer the phone when it rang an hour later. SHE went back to her husband and as of lunch time today I thought all was well, however, after work my H ran off with the phone and called her. Her H wouldn't let HER speak to my H (duh) but SHE had her mom come and get her and SHE called my H back and now my H is gone. He swears he must go to her to break it off and it must be in person and he will be home by morning. I let him go, I shared my feelings but I didn't get angry (never at him throughout all this), I told him I was scared but I knew I couldn't stop him and either he'll be home or he won't.

He has assured me they've done nothing but a kiss and I (might be foolish) but I believe him. He's more emotionally driven than sexually. But it all still hurts, and in a way at least sex is pleasure of the body but LOVE? that's pleasure of the mind. The truly sad thing is he has no complaints about anything and we had a marriage of almost no disagreements until he met her. And he doesn't know "what it is about her". Until tonight I have never even heard the term emotional infidelity. I know it well now.

As for the previous post, I don't think I answered your question but what you have done is very hurtful to everyone including yourself. We are the exact opposite of the coin, and I am understanding as to why my H and HER and you and your crush have allowed things to develope. It feels good, but it's killing the rest of us.

A few quick comments.

 

First, I am so sorry for your pain.

 

Second, since writing my inital post a few things have happened. One involving a cyber affair with a man I knew in high school that has gotten very hot and heavy. Obvious there is a lack/need/void that I am trying to fill w/other men, for better or prob. worse. I have been trying to understand it with books. They have helped, mainly two on addictive behavior--one Women, Sex and Addiction by Charlotte Davis Kasl and the other, The Truth About Addiction and Recovery. And help from my therapist. She is adamant that it is an addiction. I agree. It is complex, though (not that she denies this).

 

The other most impt. point is us cheaters have made a choice. Or we need to make a choice. Dr. Phil said this in one of his shows on Men Who Cheat (put "infidelity" in the dr. phil search engine). The cheater must choose 1 option: either he/she wants to be single and play, or he/she wants to be married and committed, but not both. This is what I must do. If I choose to dally online, I am being so unfair to my husband, whom I love. Dealing with his flaws c/b hard, unfulfilling, but I can choose to continue to try to work on them and be exclusive (this is actually the choice I am now making) or be fair to him and leave the marriage. I don't know what will happen down the road, maybe I'll make the single choice, but I cannot have it both ways.

 

Your husband needs to do the same, because he is hurting you too much, and that is not fair. For me, my husband doesn't even know about my online affair. My therapist thinks that would only stir the pot and make things worse. But she pushes me, rightly, to make a choice either way and not ride the fence.

 

I don't know if this helps you, but I am hoping you can take some good from it. Sending the hope for peace to you and your family, and recovery from the pain, and ultimately, healing.

 

 

 
May 7, 2009, 8:50 am CDT

Understanding

Quote From: redneon

I personally don't think that woman's hormones play a role in cheating, but thats just me... so please don't take it as "written in stone".... I think women cheat because their husbands have "emotionally" left the relationship and "physically" have left it, by not talking to them and making them feel like they are important to them anymore.  I think women cheat from the heart, men cheat from the ...well waist down.  I stopped having expectations of what a relationship would be like, after my first marriage ended back in 1980.  Expectations will kill a relationship faster than someone cheating.

 

I don't think you understand my circumstances.. I don't put up with cheating, never have, never, ever, ever, will.  We are no longer "together" we just happen to "have to" share the same house for the time being.. we are just room mates... since its a long story, thats all I need to tell you.  My anger comes from having to see him everyday and my sadness comes from the fact that he "screwed up" a good thing.  Enough said.  Have a good niteRed

I only understand what you write. So, you're saying that you are divorced but still living under the same roof? That's got to be tough.

I'm a bit confused though, how in the world do you marry somebody, or live with them, and have no expectations of them? If that were true, you wouldn't be angry with your husband, (or room-mate?) and sad that he screwed up, would you?

 

I understand that I'm irritating you. That's OK, it means I'm hitting a nerve, maybe something that you need to think about but that you are avoiding?

 

Consider this: in your previous post you said "That's what men do, make decisions ruled by dreams, delusions, and hormones. My problem is I have integrity and I'm not willing to come down to a cheater's level and just live with it." In this post you said  "I don't put up with cheating, never have, never, ever, ever, will."

You have also said, elsewhere, that you are through with men and will be by yourself.

 

So what are you doing with Brad on another thread? You are the initiator, you gave him your email address, you have hinted that he could teach you about his area of the country.

Go ahead, blast me. But think about what you SAY and what you DO.

Believe it or not, I'm your friend here. Maybe you haven't had one in a good long while?

 
May 7, 2009, 8:58 am CDT

Fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice...

Quote From: wvgirl1978

So here goes....and advice is welcome. I recently started dating my ex husband and father of my kids. I divorced this man for being unfaithful over 2 years ago and recently fell back in love with him and wanted to make it work again. For 2 months we were so happy, well I thought we were. I was happy, the kids happy, and he was happy. He was doing everything he could to prove he is a good man for me.  Then the week I let him move back into our house I found that he was still seeing and sleeping with his ex girlfriend. He was lying to both of us. I confronted them both and they were honest with me. He loves me but was still seeing her when he could. She was heartbroken that he lied and so was I. I have been so confused for the past 3 weeks that I don't know what to do. I wish I would have just left him alone and went on with my life but I thought i was doing the right thing for my family. He is a great provider, he is great with the kids, and I know he loves me. He just can't be truthful to me or anyone else. What do I do. Do I let it ride for a while and see what happens? Or do I call it quits now before my kids get used to this life again? We were together for 10 years and then divorced for 2. I thought he had changed. I could see a spark again and I fell for it head over heels. Now I am crushed again....

Two years must have the length of time it took to forget about some of the worst aspects of life with your ex.

I think you can let yourself off the hook with any guilt you might be feeling over taking him back for a second try. Everybody deserves a second chance. He has proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is not going to be honest, loyal or faithful to you though, and that's HIS FAULT, not yours. It's highly possible that you had unfinished emotional business with him, and this may have helped you to get through that.

 

I think you know what to do, you are just temporarily stuck because you feel guilty over taking him back. The guilt does not rightfully belong to you, let him feel it for a change and dump him for good. Your kids may not understand now, but they will eventually, don't make them the excuse to be miserable with this loser.

 

 
May 7, 2009, 12:04 pm CDT

Ritehere

Quote From: ritehere

I only understand what you write. So, you're saying that you are divorced but still living under the same roof? That's got to be tough.

I'm a bit confused though, how in the world do you marry somebody, or live with them, and have no expectations of them? If that were true, you wouldn't be angry with your husband, (or room-mate?) and sad that he screwed up, would you?

 

I understand that I'm irritating you. That's OK, it means I'm hitting a nerve, maybe something that you need to think about but that you are avoiding?

 

Consider this: in your previous post you said "That's what men do, make decisions ruled by dreams, delusions, and hormones. My problem is I have integrity and I'm not willing to come down to a cheater's level and just live with it." In this post you said  "I don't put up with cheating, never have, never, ever, ever, will."

You have also said, elsewhere, that you are through with men and will be by yourself.

 

So what are you doing with Brad on another thread? You are the initiator, you gave him your email address, you have hinted that he could teach you about his area of the country.

Go ahead, blast me. But think about what you SAY and what you DO.

Believe it or not, I'm your friend here. Maybe you haven't had one in a good long while?

Not that its ANY of your business, but I suggest we go off the board because he was writing stuff to me and I to him as friends...and I didn't want someone putting in their lousy two cents worth to something that was written to me(had my name at the top) or to him (had his name at the top)... which is exactly what YOU did.
We were sharing thoughts and our experiences.. not having a relationship.. we don't even live in the same country so what do you think our motive was!  Its his kind and gentle side that I liked, not that he was a man and I was a woman... grow up.

Its common for friends to share emails when they meet on the boards... you obviously haven't made any here or you would of known that.  I have been on the DrP board for 7yrs and I haven't had but a couple of people rub me the wrong way in all that time... your one of them.  Mainly because you are making assumptions about me, about my life, stuff you don't know about and that isn't any of your business because I never asked for your opinion or I would of directed it to you (your name at the top) and a question for you to respond to in the post... board protocol...

You seem to like to come on here and piss me off and run the board...you haven't touch any nerve because you don't know diddly squat about me.. and as for your being my "friend" here, not likely.. a friend doesn't try to put someone down,, that isn't the quality I would like for a friend.

 You don't need to quote me, I wrote it I know what I feel and think when I write it.. so what was your purpose in that? What do you want me to put it in a legal document that I am thru with men?... Never mind don't answer,, I don't care what your trying to do... I'm so done,,,, write what you want... but I will no long respond,, you have nothing worth while to say to me and I have enough going on in my life without reading your posts... stick to writing to people who ask you for their help,,, I never have...
 
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