Message Boards

Topic : Infidelity

Number of Replies: 4734
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:02:24 pm
Author : dataimport
Has your partner been unfaithful? Have you been the one to stray? Share your advice and support with others that have experienced infidelity.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

May 18, 2009, 4:53 pm CDT

yme2005

Quote From: yme2005

After barley surviving an affair I caught my husband in back in 2005, I have now found out he is doing it again!

And to make matters worse, our son is due to be born in 30 days....

I just want to die.  He's been seeing her for over a year and he claims they recently just started having sex about 4 months ago.  That bastard!

What do I do.  I have been with him since I was 19 and now I am 38.  Even now, I can't imagine my life without him.  Please help me

I'm sorry your going thru this at what should be a happy time in your life..the birth of your child...

 

You need to decide if you want to continue to live with him... he will cheat again, or continue too with the woman he is sleeping with now... men just do that.  Their brains are hot wired differently than a woman's,,, they can have sex with someone and not be in love with them... they want sex,, could be with a goat...they wouldn't care... as long as its sex.  They fall in lust with their eyes, which are connected to their pe*is and they just act on it.

 

You can stay with him and go for counseling for yourself, so you can get thru the emotions your feeling.. you know, the anger, the hate, the betrayal... see we as woman, think that when we marry, the man will be faithful.. its our fairytale.. the happily ever after one that we are lead to believe as we are young girls.. well the reality is, its not true. 

 

If you can come to terms that women fall in love differently than men, that your husband probably has some good attributes that you may like (maybe he will be a good father, maybe he is a good provider) but that he will never be "just yours", that he will stray again... that you have to leave your emotions out of it and just take him for what he is... a man.  Then your marriage will stay intact... if you can't then you may just find yourself a single parent..  Make the decision carefully, cause the next man won't be any better at being faithful and he might be a worse husband than what you have.  Hope you have a healthy baby and keep in touch if you need to vent...I've been in your shoes...((hugs))~Red

 
May 19, 2009, 3:32 am CDT

I feel your pain and sorrow.

Quote From: yme2005

After barley surviving an affair I caught my husband in back in 2005, I have now found out he is doing it again!

And to make matters worse, our son is due to be born in 30 days....

I just want to die.  He's been seeing her for over a year and he claims they recently just started having sex about 4 months ago.  That bastard!

What do I do.  I have been with him since I was 19 and now I am 38.  Even now, I can't imagine my life without him.  Please help me

It seems for the most part, we have all be inflicted with the pain of the reality that we can not be everything to someone. It is also crucial to healthy relationships that we acknowledge that someone else is neve going to everything to us as well!

 

A committment is another thing. I do not believe we should accept bad behavior if it is abusive and when we are committed we are expected to do the best we can to remain faithful. Cheating is the last straw, the final affirmation that the committment is very near danger of ending. I believe if we cannot commit, then we should be honest in that so that the person knows weaknesses of one another. It won't make the truth more emotionally easier but at least there is a lower stress level when it does occur. We can still love someone that is cheater but we shouldn't be too disappointed or take it personally when they stray.

 

I believe we need to learn how to forgive one another, over and over and over again.  I don't think running is the answer either. But sometimes running is taking care of ourselves and living with morals that we are strong in.  Some people do not see cheating as totally wrong. Men and women cheat with each other. I am discovering the most people have sex are married couples............only not to each other but to eachothers husb ands and wives!!!!!  It is like a club. A secret honor society. Being married is attractive to another married person. Why? Because they believe in the constitution of family but not committment.

 

If you are having a really hard time imagining your life without him then you are not living in reality. Either he is going to leave you or you are going to leave him one day. Its just a matter of when.

 

And when that day does arrive, you will be ok because you will know deep in your heart, that everything is temporary. Even our lovers. Good luck and know that you do not suffer alone and suffering is a universal hinderance to happiness. But happiness is a hinderance to suffering and when we base too much emphasis on either one, we are sure to feel like we are spinning, chasing. Kimi

 
May 19, 2009, 9:48 am CDT

relationship trouble

first time to do this so bear with me...... I cheated on my husband bout 11 years ago.  The last 10 years have been so hard to deal with but I try to hang on for us.  I know that I hurt him in the worst way ever.  I told him numerous time over and over that I am sorry and ask him to forgive me but only a temperary bandage is placed on our relationship then its like someone pulls is off and oach!!! I try so manytimes to show him that I am sorry and that I want to mend the problem.  I suggest diffrent things to do to help us out and find the happy us we were 15 years ago.  Let me tell you a little bout the past. 

When we got together I was 16 and he was 21.  Needless to say I grew up fast.  I didnt live a teenage life I was grown.  I didnt want to act like a kid around him or his freinds.  I had only one friend and I spent lots of my time with him.  As we dated he went out with his friend and I was left at home.  Wish I knew then what I know now, I would of went out and had alot more friends.  We lived with each other for 5 year before we got married.  I got a job and found I liked having friend but still only did things with him.  5 year after that I found another job and that when the affair happend.  I found a intrest in this other guys, who was also marreid, and the converstation was great and we had so much in comand. One thing lead to another and thats when I created the worst sin ever in a relationship. His sister was well worked with me and was doing the some thing as me.  Her husband had a friend that worked up there and he told on her.  about a month later his friend told her husband that he thought I was cheating to. My husband showed up at the job and long story short I told him I was.

He tried really hard to take things in stride but  I knew it was always going to be on his mind.

 

With that said 11 years later he found out I was talking to another guy at my present job.  He as well is married and we had a great conversation. we had so much in command and come to find out his wife cheat on him.  continue on new board

 
May 19, 2009, 9:54 am CDT

continue trouble relationship

with this said I texted and called him alot on my cell phone.  my husband was very upset with me and who wouldnt be if their spouse as talking to someone more than them.  he told me to stop and to quite talking to him.  I have stoped the cell calling and texting and say very little to him at work knowing this will hurt my husband alot/  He wanted me to quite my job but the way the econemy is I cant exspecially when he decided to quite paying for the house.  I am not having our children live in an apartment ( we have two children 14 & 11). He said he will not get hurt anymore.  We were on the verg of a divorce and then as we went to councling he didnt like what the counceler had to say to him so we quite going. 

 

I need some help on mending this or should I just call it quits?  Help!

 
May 20, 2009, 8:40 am CDT

Counseling-

Quote From: ortiztinker

with this said I texted and called him alot on my cell phone.  my husband was very upset with me and who wouldnt be if their spouse as talking to someone more than them.  he told me to stop and to quite talking to him.  I have stoped the cell calling and texting and say very little to him at work knowing this will hurt my husband alot/  He wanted me to quite my job but the way the econemy is I cant exspecially when he decided to quite paying for the house.  I am not having our children live in an apartment ( we have two children 14 & 11). He said he will not get hurt anymore.  We were on the verg of a divorce and then as we went to councling he didnt like what the counceler had to say to him so we quite going. 

 

I need some help on mending this or should I just call it quits?  Help!

I think that YOU should continue with the counceling even if your husband refuses to go. At a guess, I would say that your husband didn't like what the counselor had to say because it involved your husband having to work at this too, not just "fixing" you. Am I right?

This is a common reaction for the spouse that has been cheated on. However, if you keep on going you may learn some things about yourself. In this way, you might learn how to communicate your emotions and desires to your husband in a better way, instead of looking for attention, support, or whatever it is you lack, in another.

Hopefully, when your husband sees a change in you, he will be more open to counseling and join you.

 
May 23, 2009, 12:36 pm CDT

Who am I?

Why is it that I can't seem to realize that it's over?  Come on now.

I've made it to easy for him.  I forgave to quickly and he took advantage of that.  His tears...they are just fake.  Yeah, you want to work it out?!  Well then, how come she is still with you?  Yeah I know! 

Now I am forced to be strong.  It's over Keith.  20 years of what?  Me living for you!  Not anymore...I am going to live for myself now. 

Hope she's worth it!  Hope she is there for you when you need your ass wiped again after surgery. 
 
May 23, 2009, 1:20 pm CDT

Just checking in......

Quote From: yme2005

Why is it that I can't seem to realize that it's over?  Come on now.

I've made it to easy for him.  I forgave to quickly and he took advantage of that.  His tears...they are just fake.  Yeah, you want to work it out?!  Well then, how come she is still with you?  Yeah I know! 

Now I am forced to be strong.  It's over Keith.  20 years of what?  Me living for you!  Not anymore...I am going to live for myself now. 

Hope she's worth it!  Hope she is there for you when you need your ass wiped again after surgery. 

I think we have all been where you are right now. And it really sucks. Helpless. Confused. Hurt. Mad. Rejected. Humiliated. But let me just say one thing to you during this very trying time in your life, as alone as you feel right now, you are not.  I am sending out to you special prayers of love, compassion and understanding.  This is what you will need to overcome this pain. 

 

When my ex husband didn't seem to care that I was pulling my hair out because the marriage was failing and he was not doing anything to show an interest in making things right, I fell between feelings of frustration and aggravation. We are adults right? We should be able to take our heads out of our asses long enough to know that we have to learn how to compromise and show compassion for others right?

 

Then one day, I accepted it was over, 2 years later I left. But once I accepted it was over, then I calmed down and was able to get my bearings again.  You need to do the same. When you recover from the whiplash you will need to humbly face that what you thought was going to be a lifetime together, would only be a part of your lifetime together.  I wonder what lies ahead for you????????  That is what you need to focus on now because there is a "ahead of you"......just waiting until you are ready.  Then you will find peace again.

 

I wish you well. Kimi

 
May 25, 2009, 7:45 am CDT

dating websites-betrayal

Hi I am new here. My name is Jen. I have been married for two years, and together with the same man for seven. Recently I found out that he was on dating websites. He contacted people and was chatting with them online. He went so far as to meet one a few months ago.

Now he swears up and down that he only met one person for coffee and no one else, and he swears that he never had sex with anyone.

Here's the catch though, after I found out that he did all of this, we were going through a time where we were working on it, about a month ago. Then I found out that he still spoke with these people on msn chat. The worst of it is, that every time I seem to try to trust him.. I find something else.

I was totally blind sided, I thought that we were ok, and to find out he has been hiding this for a good year devastates me completely. It is totally out of character for him.

He says that he only went on these sites to meet people and chat as friends. I find it very very hard to believe, because on most of his posts online, it was things about wanting sexual encounters, and he works on the road and I also found an unopened box of condoms, he says was for a co-worker.Now I really don't know what to believe, because everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie.

I don't know what to do, I love him dearly, but he is now seeming to be a different person than what I married and know. I don't know what to believe anymore, and I have absolutely no trust left at all.

Just looking for insight and advice on this. If someone has ever gone through this..

 
May 26, 2009, 4:49 pm CDT

Jen

Quote From: brokenjen

Hi I am new here. My name is Jen. I have been married for two years, and together with the same man for seven. Recently I found out that he was on dating websites. He contacted people and was chatting with them online. He went so far as to meet one a few months ago.

Now he swears up and down that he only met one person for coffee and no one else, and he swears that he never had sex with anyone.

Here's the catch though, after I found out that he did all of this, we were going through a time where we were working on it, about a month ago. Then I found out that he still spoke with these people on msn chat. The worst of it is, that every time I seem to try to trust him.. I find something else.

I was totally blind sided, I thought that we were ok, and to find out he has been hiding this for a good year devastates me completely. It is totally out of character for him.

He says that he only went on these sites to meet people and chat as friends. I find it very very hard to believe, because on most of his posts online, it was things about wanting sexual encounters, and he works on the road and I also found an unopened box of condoms, he says was for a co-worker.Now I really don't know what to believe, because everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie.

I don't know what to do, I love him dearly, but he is now seeming to be a different person than what I married and know. I don't know what to believe anymore, and I have absolutely no trust left at all.

Just looking for insight and advice on this. If someone has ever gone through this..

I've been in your shoes, and come out the other side.  I can tell you what I have learned from 2 husbands.  Men cheat and lie... just a fact of life you are coming to realize.. and you don't like it.  The fact is, he is the same man you married only you didn't know everything about him or what he was doing before you got married and now you do know and you don't like the man you see before you.  The condoms are his, most men stop once they get caught for a while that is, then when they find out their wife isn't going to leave them or there is no real consequence to their cheating, they go back to cheating... be it talking to women on line or going to meet them for coffee or meet them for a quickie... its all cheating.  Why, because men want sex all the time. They think about sex every 30 seconds.  they don't really care who they have sex with, as long as they get it when they want it.  They don't equate sex with love, its purely physical, selfish infact on their part.  We as women do equate sex with love and don't understand how he could have sex with someone else and say they love us.   

 

You need to deciede if you want to stay, cause he isn't going to change, and you can't change him. The only person you can change is you,, so if you want to change your outlook on marriage, that it isn't a fairy tale and that men can't be faithful then your marriage will stay intact.  If you can't get past that fact then you will go thru your marriage with a knot in your stomach everytime he goes out the door or is on the road, wondering what he is doing and with whom.  Your going to fight and argue all the time if you don't want to live this way with him.. and that is just going to give him an excuse (in his head anyways) to go cheat more, cause you guys arn't getting along... see if you say you 'love" him but not his behaviour, your really in love with an "idea" of what you think he is, not the person he really is.. a man, with more faults than you care to admit.  I don't think anyone can really "love" a person who cheats and lies...but thats just my opinion..

 Good luck ~Red

 
May 30, 2009, 7:14 am CDT

Breath

Quote From: brokenjen

Hi I am new here. My name is Jen. I have been married for two years, and together with the same man for seven. Recently I found out that he was on dating websites. He contacted people and was chatting with them online. He went so far as to meet one a few months ago.

Now he swears up and down that he only met one person for coffee and no one else, and he swears that he never had sex with anyone.

Here's the catch though, after I found out that he did all of this, we were going through a time where we were working on it, about a month ago. Then I found out that he still spoke with these people on msn chat. The worst of it is, that every time I seem to try to trust him.. I find something else.

I was totally blind sided, I thought that we were ok, and to find out he has been hiding this for a good year devastates me completely. It is totally out of character for him.

He says that he only went on these sites to meet people and chat as friends. I find it very very hard to believe, because on most of his posts online, it was things about wanting sexual encounters, and he works on the road and I also found an unopened box of condoms, he says was for a co-worker.Now I really don't know what to believe, because everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie.

I don't know what to do, I love him dearly, but he is now seeming to be a different person than what I married and know. I don't know what to believe anymore, and I have absolutely no trust left at all.

Just looking for insight and advice on this. If someone has ever gone through this..

Ok! Now sit back,
 take a breath.
Re-read what you wrote on this board.
{This time try and read it from a logical point of view.}
 If you werent personally going through this situation, what would you tell the person who is going through this?
He is lying, cheating and who knows what else. Think about yourself...he is thinking about himself. Don't assume he is using sexual protection either. Trust me when I went through this years ago, I was just as you are. (Mine was doing my best friend) If I knew then, what I know now, it wouldnt have taken me so long to stand up tall. Buck up and NEVER let yourself be treated poorly by anyone! Its what I like to call, "zero tolerance"
Been there, done that!
 
First | Prev | 467 | 468 | 469 | 470 | 471 | 472 | 473 | Next | Last