Message Boards

Topic : Infidelity

Number of Replies: 4739
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:02:24 pm
Author : dataimport
Has your partner been unfaithful? Have you been the one to stray? Share your advice and support with others that have experienced infidelity.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

August 12, 2005, 10:10 am CDT

leetak

Quote From: leettak

My husband and I were separated and are trying to reconcile.  He had a relationship with someone else.  I was lead to believe, by him, that it didnt mean anything to him.  That she was there to keep him from being lonley.  I am okay with that.  I can work on that part.  Now I have found out that he bought her a diamond and ask her to marry him.  He said it was in an affort to keep her around.  She says they were in love and happy.  He says she is saying that so I wont want to be with him anymore.  That all he ever thought of was me.  She was a way for him to pretend he was still with me.    Is that possible?   It sounds crazy to me.  I cant bond with him again because of it.  Pretending that you are with someone?   How does that work?   I know it was not me he was thinking of when he walked into the jewelery store.  He said it was to show off.  I have been with the man for 18 years.   I dont want to flush this down the tubes.    I am lost and confused.  I am not sure what to ask him or what I need to know from him.  Is it possible to live that way for a year?  The questions I ask are stale and have been answered by the same words so many times that I know the answers already.  How can I break through this sale mate to start to heal again.  We were separated for four years.  Still married.  Neither ever tried to get a divorce.  We have been back together for four monthes now.  I feel like I am the other woman, not the wife.   But he maintains that he always loved me.   I want so to believe that.  I cant.  someone please take a minute to tell me my doubts are warrented at least.  I pre- thank you...
4 years?! What brought you back together after so much time? Did you see other men while the two of you were separated? What's going on here is that he's telling you what he thinks you want to hear. And he's probably telling her what he thinks she wants to hear. Men don't buy diamond rings for and propose to women they're not in love with . . . or at least think they're in love with at the time. So your husband had a full-blown relationship with another woman while the two of you were separated. That's pretty normal. Four years is a long time to expect someone to remain single. The problem is that he's lying about it now. And that's what you need to get to the bottom of. Is he lying because he's afraid that if he tells you the truth you'll leave him? Is he lying because the relationship is actually still going on and he's trying to take the heat off? You're not asking the right questions. Begin again with him by saying upfront that you know he really did love her when he was with her, otherwise he would not have proposed. And you're okay with that. After all, the two of you had been separated for a long time and it would have been very selfish of you to expect him to live without love. See where the conversation goes from there.
 
August 12, 2005, 10:28 am CDT

Infidelity

Quote From: lilacmess

4 years?! What brought you back together after so much time? Did you see other men while the two of you were separated? What's going on here is that he's telling you what he thinks you want to hear. And he's probably telling her what he thinks she wants to hear. Men don't buy diamond rings for and propose to women they're not in love with . . . or at least think they're in love with at the time. So your husband had a full-blown relationship with another woman while the two of you were separated. That's pretty normal. Four years is a long time to expect someone to remain single. The problem is that he's lying about it now. And that's what you need to get to the bottom of. Is he lying because he's afraid that if he tells you the truth you'll leave him? Is he lying because the relationship is actually still going on and he's trying to take the heat off? You're not asking the right questions. Begin again with him by saying upfront that you know he really did love her when he was with her, otherwise he would not have proposed. And you're okay with that. After all, the two of you had been separated for a long time and it would have been very selfish of you to expect him to live without love. See where the conversation goes from there.

I went to find him. I hired a PI to find him.  He seemd elated I had done that.  I do not expect that anyone live without love.   But why insist that you didnt love her?    Pretending that he was still with me has me freaked out.   Four years staying single isnt hard for some and impossible for others.    I have ask what you suggested.  I came here as a last resort.  I dont know what to ask.   I need help with that.  I am not sure if I have ever read anything to help me catagorize this into a help search.  I am confused.  I know I love him.  I always have.  But I can not reconnect.  Am I looking for impossible answers?    I said it is all okay.  Tell me the truth.  If this is the truth as he knows it and he did actually pretend that he was with me instead of her its crazy.   they were together for one year.  The last of our separation. I do know he was lonley.  I understand that.  but pretending she was me?  I think thats a lie.  I dont know how to open a dialog about lying.  It starts fights that I no longer have the energy to sustain.  Maybe he is pretending with me too? 

thanks for responding to me 

 
August 12, 2005, 11:57 am CDT

where's my message???

I posted over a week ago and can't find it, I emailed and asked and got no reply.  what can I do?
 
August 12, 2005, 6:23 pm CDT

Pretending?

Quote From: leettak

I went to find him. I hired a PI to find him.  He seemd elated I had done that.  I do not expect that anyone live without love.   But why insist that you didnt love her?    Pretending that he was still with me has me freaked out.   Four years staying single isnt hard for some and impossible for others.    I have ask what you suggested.  I came here as a last resort.  I dont know what to ask.   I need help with that.  I am not sure if I have ever read anything to help me catagorize this into a help search.  I am confused.  I know I love him.  I always have.  But I can not reconnect.  Am I looking for impossible answers?    I said it is all okay.  Tell me the truth.  If this is the truth as he knows it and he did actually pretend that he was with me instead of her its crazy.   they were together for one year.  The last of our separation. I do know he was lonley.  I understand that.  but pretending she was me?  I think thats a lie.  I dont know how to open a dialog about lying.  It starts fights that I no longer have the energy to sustain.  Maybe he is pretending with me too? 

thanks for responding to me 

Your last question is exactly what I would be worried about if I were you: is he pretending with me? Good question. As the other poster already said, its understandable that he had a relationship with someone else, its even understandable that he was in love, or, thought he was in love, with another woman and bought her a diamond ring...BUT...he isn't being honest about what happened. He was in love with her and asked her to marry him. I wonder why he can't just be honest about this fact? He thinks that it sounds better to you that he says he was pretending she was you...thats very, very odd. I know that you just want this to "go away" so that you two can live happily ever after. That would be convenient, but its not realistic. Sometimes its the truth that hurts the most. But in your situation, its the lies that hurt the most. If he is lieing about this, what else would he lie about? Its really quite a silly thing to say and think that you would actually fall for it..that he pretended she was you.  

  

When you contacted him, was he with this other woman and then broke up with her to be back with you? Or had they already broken up? just curious.  

 
August 13, 2005, 6:20 pm CDT

Infidelity

Quote From: jenoc99

Your last question is exactly what I would be worried about if I were you: is he pretending with me? Good question. As the other poster already said, its understandable that he had a relationship with someone else, its even understandable that he was in love, or, thought he was in love, with another woman and bought her a diamond ring...BUT...he isn't being honest about what happened. He was in love with her and asked her to marry him. I wonder why he can't just be honest about this fact? He thinks that it sounds better to you that he says he was pretending she was you...thats very, very odd. I know that you just want this to "go away" so that you two can live happily ever after. That would be convenient, but its not realistic. Sometimes its the truth that hurts the most. But in your situation, its the lies that hurt the most. If he is lieing about this, what else would he lie about? Its really quite a silly thing to say and think that you would actually fall for it..that he pretended she was you.  

  

When you contacted him, was he with this other woman and then broke up with her to be back with you? Or had they already broken up? just curious.  

sorry it took me so long...   but to answer your question.. he walked away from that life like it was meaningless....  he didnt even end it.   he just wouldnt talk to her anymore.   I am not sure I want to move on any further.  I thnk anyone could understand my fear and concerns.   Why lie about that?   I dont get it al all...  I didnt bother him after the initial visit.  I didnt pursure hiom because I assumed he had moved on and was happy.    I didnt want to mess it up.  The kids wanted a relationship with him and have been able to salvage one.  I am greatful for that.  They seem to be better now tat he is back in their lives.  But mine is sinking quickly.   

TY for the reply.  your concern is appreciated so much 

 
August 14, 2005, 8:08 pm CDT

Did you do a search for your own name?

Quote From: sunnynana

I posted over a week ago and can't find it, I emailed and asked and got no reply.  what can I do?
Did you do a search for your own name? Somtimes just doing a search of your name will give you your own post, as well as any that mentions your name. Ihope this helps
 
August 15, 2005, 8:23 am CDT

I kissed another man

This is the first time that I have ever posted.  I feel that I have no one I can share this with that is why I  am here.  I went out this weekend with some friends.  I don't get to go out very often since I am married and have 4 kids.  We went to the bar and tied a good one on.  I met some of my husbands friends who I know very well.  The one guy and I have always flirted with each other harmlessly.  Well not this time things went to far.  We ended up going outside behind the bar we kissed a few times and some hands explored.  That was it I couldn't believe what i was doing, i knew it was wrong so I stopped it.  We agreed not to tell anyone.  We went back into the bar and taht was the end of that.  Went home went to bed got up talked to my husband told him we needed to talk.  oh yeah I think the other guy phoned in the morning or it was his girlfriend don't know.  I told him that i kissed one of his friends and then I went back to bed.  I was sick and couldn't believe that I could have been so stupid.  Last night we went for supper and a movie.  He tried to ask me what all happened but I said I didn't want to talk about it in public.  My husband is taking it to well and that frightens me.  I want him to be angry with me but he has been nice.  I am scared that he will now go out and cheat on me and go further than I did.  What should I do.  I just need to tell some one.  Thank you for listening. 

 
August 15, 2005, 1:13 pm CDT

infidelity

Quote From: carjoh06

This is the first time that I have ever posted.  I feel that I have no one I can share this with that is why I  am here.  I went out this weekend with some friends.  I don't get to go out very often since I am married and have 4 kids.  We went to the bar and tied a good one on.  I met some of my husbands friends who I know very well.  The one guy and I have always flirted with each other harmlessly.  Well not this time things went to far.  We ended up going outside behind the bar we kissed a few times and some hands explored.  That was it I couldn't believe what i was doing, i knew it was wrong so I stopped it.  We agreed not to tell anyone.  We went back into the bar and taht was the end of that.  Went home went to bed got up talked to my husband told him we needed to talk.  oh yeah I think the other guy phoned in the morning or it was his girlfriend don't know.  I told him that i kissed one of his friends and then I went back to bed.  I was sick and couldn't believe that I could have been so stupid.  Last night we went for supper and a movie.  He tried to ask me what all happened but I said I didn't want to talk about it in public.  My husband is taking it to well and that frightens me.  I want him to be angry with me but he has been nice.  I am scared that he will now go out and cheat on me and go further than I did.  What should I do.  I just need to tell some one.  Thank you for listening. 

Why don't you sit and talk to him.  Ask him how he is feeling about it, ask him if he is upset.  Tell him how sorry you are and you never meant to betray his trust.  Make him  understand that you have remorse and hate what happened.  Maybe there is a reason you kissed his friend, maybe you are not close with your hubby or passionate like you would like to be.  Get in his head, find out what he is thinking, but the only way to do that is ask him, in detail.  You will hate talking about it but it will open him up to how he feels.  Just because he is taking well right now - 1. doesn't mean he is going to cheat on you and - 2. doesn't mean in time he will become angry and pull away.   

You don't want either of those to happen but you have to be there for him right now.   

 
August 16, 2005, 6:51 am CDT

Infidelity

Quote From: carjoh06

This is the first time that I have ever posted.  I feel that I have no one I can share this with that is why I  am here.  I went out this weekend with some friends.  I don't get to go out very often since I am married and have 4 kids.  We went to the bar and tied a good one on.  I met some of my husbands friends who I know very well.  The one guy and I have always flirted with each other harmlessly.  Well not this time things went to far.  We ended up going outside behind the bar we kissed a few times and some hands explored.  That was it I couldn't believe what i was doing, i knew it was wrong so I stopped it.  We agreed not to tell anyone.  We went back into the bar and taht was the end of that.  Went home went to bed got up talked to my husband told him we needed to talk.  oh yeah I think the other guy phoned in the morning or it was his girlfriend don't know.  I told him that i kissed one of his friends and then I went back to bed.  I was sick and couldn't believe that I could have been so stupid.  Last night we went for supper and a movie.  He tried to ask me what all happened but I said I didn't want to talk about it in public.  My husband is taking it to well and that frightens me.  I want him to be angry with me but he has been nice.  I am scared that he will now go out and cheat on me and go further than I did.  What should I do.  I just need to tell some one.  Thank you for listening. 

Well today is tuesday and I have not slept very well since the other night.  My Husband is busy farming called me a few times yesterday.  Everytime he talked to me I started crying.  He told me to stop crying, that its ok.  He said that he really doesn't consider a kiss as cheating, but I then informed him that I have always said that a kiss is cheating. He got quiet.  He wanted to know if anyone else knew and I said no which is true.  He was worried that his sister knew (cause that is who I went out with) he thought that after the guy and I kissed that maybe I had come back in the bar crying and I said I never cried after it happened he got very silent.  I am having very mixed emotions about the other man.  I love my husband we have a great life so why did I do what I did.  The other man and I have always had a good friendship and I don't want that to end.  But I am having some mixed feelings about him.  Well I must go Thanks for listening.
 
August 16, 2005, 1:13 pm CDT

thinking of cheating

i have been married 5 years now and am feeling very neglected.  years ago I dated a man who i was the one to break off the relationship, numerous reasons. About 3 weeks ago he contacted me and wanted to see me.  We met for dinner, he hasn't changed much at all.  he was surprised at well i looked, so he said.  Now he wants me back in his life, we had some great times but also some very rocky times.  Sometimes I sit and think that it would be great to be single again.  My husband is a great guy, but a selfish one.  I have 3 children from a previous marriage and 2 wonderful grandchildren, that he is so jealous of our relationship.  He has no children and just doesn't understand the relationship with my children that I have even though 2 of them are grown and out of the house.  I feel like I have to choose him or the children.  The other man never had a problem with the children and feels like that if I want to give to them that I should.  He has always said that children do not ask to come into this world and therefore we should never deny them of necessities. My husband and I do nothing together anymore, well except go to the buffet on Friday's.  I am afraid that I am going to go to the other man for comfort and do not really know how to sit down and discuss this with my husband.  Any suggestions? 

 
First | Prev | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | Next | Last