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Topic : Infidelity

Number of Replies: 4739
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:02:24 pm
Author : dataimport
Has your partner been unfaithful? Have you been the one to stray? Share your advice and support with others that have experienced infidelity.

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August 22, 2005, 10:53 am CDT

Getting "hit" on.....

Quote From: crobinson

I don't know if this is the right section, but I need some help.  My good friend's husband hit on me.  This was not a something that I misunderstood, but clear and blatant hitting on me.  We all went out this weekend and while we were out he kept playing with my feet under the table.  I didn't know that to do.  I admit that we were all pretty plastered and that I was intrigued by the attention, but I didn't want the attention so I tried to be more intimate with me boyfriend to send a signal to him to stop.  He didn't until later.  When we were about to leave he told me (and this is the rated G version) that he wanted to have sex with me.  I then told him to stop it and he shunned me off.  You guys, I dont know what to do because this is not the first time he did this.  The first time he it on me was about four years ago before my boyfriend and I got together, but nothing happened. 

  

  

To make matters worse, he and my boyfriend are friends and business partners, and as you probably have assumed his wife and I are good friends.  To make matters even worse, before he started to hit on me his wife was telling me that they were having problem and that she thought he was cheating on her, but she had no proof and I told her to try and work it out.  Now, I feel stupid because if he hit on me, maybe he is cheating on her.  I told my boyfriend about the first time that his friend hit on me and he got really upset he thought that more happened, so just as things seemed to be ok this happens.  I don't know what to do.  I don't want to ruin a marriage, several friendships, a relationship, and a business with all of this.  What if I tell and noone believes me?  What if my boyfriend leaves me or harbors this and cheats on me?  I'm so afraid of the possible consequences of this.  I want to cry, but I am at work.   

  

Also, my hair stylist hit on me to the day before and he is married.  I am starting to feel bad about myself because I don't know what it is about that is attracting all of this madness.  Please help! 

Its really sad that because these guys hit on you, it makes YOU feel bad about yourself! They are the ones who are acting with no shame, not you. You don't even need to tell your boyfriend, you need to get more verbal with these guys who are hitting on you. You can't just "hope" that they will stop...because they won't. There is nothing wrong with you being an assertive woman who says right out loud, "I am in a happy and stable relationship, and have no interest." Thats all. Are you afraid of hurting these guys' feelings or something? Because if you are, you've got to abandon that way of thinking..they aren't thinking of your feelings..these guys are greedy pigs who have wives/girlfriends, yet still want more, if they can get it.  

Its also very sad that you are afraid no one would believe you. Have you been accused of lieing about this topic in the past? Or have you always been a more timid type of person?  

There is a medium solution to this, you don't have to either tell all or tell nothing. The next time, if there is a next time, speak up loud and clear to this guy and your hair stylist, make it known that you aren't interested at all. If things like that continue, you should find a new hair stylist and stop hanging around with that couple. Your self esteem shouldn't suffer because of other people's actions!! 

 
August 22, 2005, 10:59 am CDT

two more things:

Quote From: crobinson

I also forgot to mention that just last week my boyfriend and I were on a rocky path because he thought I was cheating.  For the record, I am not and I never have.

In your first post you said that when you told him about this guy hitting on you before, he was upset at YOU and suspicious that something did actually happen, and now you've posted again saying that he was suspicious that you were cheating on him just last week-- it sounds like your boyfriend has some very serious insecurities!! 

He is either very insecure with himself, and thats why he accuses you of cheating; because he doesn't think a woman would ever stay with only him, or, he is cheating on you and trying to reflect his guilt onto you, which is a common thing cheaters do from what I read here on the message board.  

I think it could be really good for you to seek professional counceling. I know that for me, when I talk to my councelor and say what is on my mind, stuff I'm thinking, she always helps me work through my often confusing and overwhelming thoughts, and in the process, I have learned so much about myself! By finding a therepist, you can have that person help to guide you towards a more healthy and happy way of living, because you do deserve to be happy!! 

 
August 22, 2005, 11:09 am CDT

cheater

Quote From: theresa_2

 When my now husband and I were dating for only about a month when I was gone on my ship for two week he cheated on me. I thought I forgave him but now I just can't stop thinking about it and it is eating me up. We have now been together for a year and some odd months but there is never a day that I don't think about it, I feel that I am obsessing. I don't think he would do it again in my heart but I still can't trust him and I am afraid is will ruin our relationship. Please I don't know how to stop letting this small one time cheating go. One thing I don't think he understands is that since he has cheated I feel small, ugly and worthless. I can't stop thinking that if a prettier girl than myself approached him he wouldn't pass up the offer.  I am so scared that I get mad when he just looks at other females when we are together. I know that it sounds childish but I am still hurt and I don't like this feeling and I don't know how to let it go and forgive him with my whole heart. This is the root of all of our problems and if we could get past it we would be so happy. Please, please anybody help me I am going crazy.  

  

  

When your husband cheated on you, you guys had only known one another for one month, far too early to know if the relationship would be permanent! I know its hearbreaking to find out that he cheated, but to continue to think he's cheating is only hurting YOU. You don't deserve to punish yourself like this everyday! I don't think that this is the root of all of your problems, though...I think the root of your problems is your feelings of low self esteem and insecurity. You've got to tell your husband exactly what it is that he can do to make you feel more secure and confidant that he won't cheat ever again, that is the only way to get over this! It doesn't just go away, it would be nice if it did-- but it takes hard work. I'm sure that if he promised never to do it again, that wouldn't be enough, you've got to have evidence that you can actually see and feel. Maybe he needs to give you more compliments? Dr. Phil's book, "relationship rescue" is really great, I recommend that for you and your  husband...it can help both of you learn how to have a happier, more secure relationship. You deserve to be happy!! Its okay to forgive him...its a risk, but one that you can't afford not to take. Also, marriage counceling would be good for you, too...if he won't go, as often men refuse...I highly urge you to go for yourself, because you need to learn the reasons why you even married a man who cheated on you. You are the one suffering because of this, you are the only person who can do anything to make this better. Start taking action now, get dr. phil's book and seek counceling. You won't regret it!! 

 
August 22, 2005, 1:13 pm CDT

What I did,

Quote From: crobinson

I don't know if this is the right section, but I need some help.  My good friend's husband hit on me.  This was not a something that I misunderstood, but clear and blatant hitting on me.  We all went out this weekend and while we were out he kept playing with my feet under the table.  I didn't know that to do.  I admit that we were all pretty plastered and that I was intrigued by the attention, but I didn't want the attention so I tried to be more intimate with me boyfriend to send a signal to him to stop.  He didn't until later.  When we were about to leave he told me (and this is the rated G version) that he wanted to have sex with me.  I then told him to stop it and he shunned me off.  You guys, I dont know what to do because this is not the first time he did this.  The first time he it on me was about four years ago before my boyfriend and I got together, but nothing happened. 

  

  

To make matters worse, he and my boyfriend are friends and business partners, and as you probably have assumed his wife and I are good friends.  To make matters even worse, before he started to hit on me his wife was telling me that they were having problem and that she thought he was cheating on her, but she had no proof and I told her to try and work it out.  Now, I feel stupid because if he hit on me, maybe he is cheating on her.  I told my boyfriend about the first time that his friend hit on me and he got really upset he thought that more happened, so just as things seemed to be ok this happens.  I don't know what to do.  I don't want to ruin a marriage, several friendships, a relationship, and a business with all of this.  What if I tell and noone believes me?  What if my boyfriend leaves me or harbors this and cheats on me?  I'm so afraid of the possible consequences of this.  I want to cry, but I am at work.   

  

Also, my hair stylist hit on me to the day before and he is married.  I am starting to feel bad about myself because I don't know what it is about that is attracting all of this madness.  Please help! 

When my husband's co-worker was kneading my knee under the table at a party, I tried to turn it into a joke, or harmless flirtation. I've used these tactics in the past with mixed results. Seems like usually the guy interprets it as playing hard to get or something. Anyway, I could tell this was going to be one of those times when I was dealing with a slow learner, so I told my husband right away and I asked him if he would say something to his co-worker. Turns out this was the best possible solution. The reason why is because the idiot figured out me and hubby don't keep secrets from each other, and we actively rely on each other.

Gals, a guy who hits on married women wants nothing to do with someone who is willing to spill the beans on their behavior. Don't count on the jerk to have any feelings or any brains for that matter. If he did, he wouldn't be behaving this way. Treat him like the jerk he's being.
 
August 22, 2005, 1:28 pm CDT

Thanks for replying

Quote From: jenoc99

In your first post you said that when you told him about this guy hitting on you before, he was upset at YOU and suspicious that something did actually happen, and now you've posted again saying that he was suspicious that you were cheating on him just last week-- it sounds like your boyfriend has some very serious insecurities!! 

He is either very insecure with himself, and thats why he accuses you of cheating; because he doesn't think a woman would ever stay with only him, or, he is cheating on you and trying to reflect his guilt onto you, which is a common thing cheaters do from what I read here on the message board.  

I think it could be really good for you to seek professional counceling. I know that for me, when I talk to my councelor and say what is on my mind, stuff I'm thinking, she always helps me work through my often confusing and overwhelming thoughts, and in the process, I have learned so much about myself! By finding a therepist, you can have that person help to guide you towards a more healthy and happy way of living, because you do deserve to be happy!! 

The only reason that it makes me feel bad is because I feel as if I am giving off a kind of vibe that I am that kind of girl when I am not.  I try to carry myself as a lady at all times it is just frustrating that I get approached by these creeps.  My boyfriend does have cheating issues because the only other serious relationships that he has had ended up with him being cheated on.  I started to talk to a couselor, but then I hit a financial snag and stopped going.  Now, that I am back on my feet I may start going back. 

 
August 22, 2005, 1:37 pm CDT

Thank you

Quote From: ritehere

When my husband's co-worker was kneading my knee under the table at a party, I tried to turn it into a joke, or harmless flirtation. I've used these tactics in the past with mixed results. Seems like usually the guy interprets it as playing hard to get or something. Anyway, I could tell this was going to be one of those times when I was dealing with a slow learner, so I told my husband right away and I asked him if he would say something to his co-worker. Turns out this was the best possible solution. The reason why is because the idiot figured out me and hubby don't keep secrets from each other, and we actively rely on each other.

Gals, a guy who hits on married women wants nothing to do with someone who is willing to spill the beans on their behavior. Don't count on the jerk to have any feelings or any brains for that matter. If he did, he wouldn't be behaving this way. Treat him like the jerk he's being.

I don't like keeping secrets from my boyfriend.  The only reason why I may not say anything is just because we all are supposed to be really close and the whole business part of everything.  It just so happened that he called me today at about and asked me how I felt.  I told him that I was hurt and insulted and that I don't have any romantic feelings for him at all.  I told him that I want to be with the person I am with and that if he has issues with his marriage that he needs to take care of that without hurting his wife, himself, me, or his friend/my boyfriend.  He said that he understood and he apologized to me.  I feel a little better, but I am still very upset at him for doing that in the first place.  I guess I'll just deal with it and if he tries it again...no more Ms. Nice Woman!  I hate this whole thing so much!  I want to tell, but there is so much at stake, but then again I don't want him to find out and stop trusting me.  AAARRRGGGHHHH!! 

 
August 25, 2005, 10:33 pm CDT

Time to vent!

I posted many messages on the old board, but here is a recap of my situation.  I caught my wife cheating on me in July of 2004 (that prepaid calling card just didn't make any sense - we had long distance service...).  So anyway, she said she would end it, but didn't.  I made her move out.  I got the house, custody of our son (4 atm) and child support.  

I recently started dating an awesome new woman (I am 35, she is 39).  My exwife took it hard (she thought that we would get back together??? yeah right).  I thought that I had the perfect revenge, but then....   

I first want to throw out a comment about dating someone new.  I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would ever be able to trust someone new.  I am very happy to say that I was wrong.  I am dating an awesome, highly trustworthy woman.  I almost want to thank my ex-wife for ruining our marriage and letting me find someone way better than she ever was....  but that isn't the point of this post...   

Here is the kicker..  Before I married my wife we both got tested for STIs (STDs).  We had nothing.  My girlfriend and I want to lose the comdoms, so we both got tests ran.  I just found out that I have genital herpes.  Apparently 22% of adults have it and a large percentage of them do not know they have it.  It is a blood test that is 99.99% accurate.  It is real, I have it.  My cheating ex-wife gave me genital herpes (HSV-2).  !$#&^%$%$#@%$#@   

My girlfriend came showed up at my house about 1.5 hours after I found out (she called from the driveway).  She knew something was wrong, so I just told her flat out.  She is going to do research about it before she decides what to do (she is a nurse).  

It isn't fair!  That cheating butt-head ruined our marriage by having an affair.  She made me cry like a little kid.  I am trying to move on with life and now I find out that I have genital herpes.  I can pass it on to others even if I don't have symptoms and I use condoms.  I wish that I could press charges against her and send her to prison for the things she did.  This sucks.  I might lose this person because of what my ex-wife did.  

Does the destruction caused by a cheating spouse ever end?  Isn't it bad enough that I will always have to question things I shouldn't ever have to question (emotionally)?  !#@%   

 
August 26, 2005, 12:57 am CDT

That's a tough thing to learn, but I think it admirable that you were smart enough to do the test!

Quote From: iamdada

I posted many messages on the old board, but here is a recap of my situation.  I caught my wife cheating on me in July of 2004 (that prepaid calling card just didn't make any sense - we had long distance service...).  So anyway, she said she would end it, but didn't.  I made her move out.  I got the house, custody of our son (4 atm) and child support.  

I recently started dating an awesome new woman (I am 35, she is 39).  My exwife took it hard (she thought that we would get back together??? yeah right).  I thought that I had the perfect revenge, but then....   

I first want to throw out a comment about dating someone new.  I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would ever be able to trust someone new.  I am very happy to say that I was wrong.  I am dating an awesome, highly trustworthy woman.  I almost want to thank my ex-wife for ruining our marriage and letting me find someone way better than she ever was....  but that isn't the point of this post...   

Here is the kicker..  Before I married my wife we both got tested for STIs (STDs).  We had nothing.  My girlfriend and I want to lose the comdoms, so we both got tests ran.  I just found out that I have genital herpes.  Apparently 22% of adults have it and a large percentage of them do not know they have it.  It is a blood test that is 99.99% accurate.  It is real, I have it.  My cheating ex-wife gave me genital herpes (HSV-2).  !$#&%$%$#@%$#@   

My girlfriend came showed up at my house about 1.5 hours after I found out (she called from the driveway).  She knew something was wrong, so I just told her flat out.  She is going to do research about it before she decides what to do (she is a nurse).  

It isn't fair!  That cheating butt-head ruined our marriage by having an affair.  She made me cry like a little kid.  I am trying to move on with life and now I find out that I have genital herpes.  I can pass it on to others even if I don't have symptoms and I use condoms.  I wish that I could press charges against her and send her to prison for the things she did.  This sucks.  I might lose this person because of what my ex-wife did.  

Does the destruction caused by a cheating spouse ever end?  Isn't it bad enough that I will always have to question things I shouldn't ever have to question (emotionally)?  !#@%   

That's a tough thing to learn, but I think it admirable that you were smart enough to do the test! Hopefully this new woman in your life will find it in her heart to deal with the situation. I had never heard one could contract it even using a condom. This is good news to pass on to the boards.  Where did you get your information about still being able to pass it on, even with a condom? Are you sure this is valid?  

  

I hope, as I am sure all reading does, that things work out with you and your new love. It would be a tough loss after all you have been through. The only consolation is that it is not a deadly disease, and there are medications to help suppress, as I am sure you have seen the commercials on television. That is truly a sad thing, and again I hope your new love will come around and with the use of condoms, I would think the chances of passing it along would be lessened. 

  

There may be the ability for you to bring a lawsuit against your ex-wife. Check with a lawyer, as after having to deal with her infidelity, she would deserve having to compensate you for it, and with your prior test showing you were clean at one point in time, maybe it would be possible. Check with a lawyer. I doubt you could send her to  prison, but it would be sweet to get a check from her each month for giving you this disease from an affair! If you do check with a lawyer, and are able to bring charges, let us know, as there may be others on the boards that have experienced the same situation, and what better way to make others think, before they go giving their bodies to whomever? 

 

Good luck, and I am sure there are lots of us not only rooting for you, but having a good thought for you as well. 

 
August 26, 2005, 3:02 am CDT

I remember your story

Quote From: iamdada

I posted many messages on the old board, but here is a recap of my situation.  I caught my wife cheating on me in July of 2004 (that prepaid calling card just didn't make any sense - we had long distance service...).  So anyway, she said she would end it, but didn't.  I made her move out.  I got the house, custody of our son (4 atm) and child support.  

I recently started dating an awesome new woman (I am 35, she is 39).  My exwife took it hard (she thought that we would get back together??? yeah right).  I thought that I had the perfect revenge, but then....   

I first want to throw out a comment about dating someone new.  I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would ever be able to trust someone new.  I am very happy to say that I was wrong.  I am dating an awesome, highly trustworthy woman.  I almost want to thank my ex-wife for ruining our marriage and letting me find someone way better than she ever was....  but that isn't the point of this post...   

Here is the kicker..  Before I married my wife we both got tested for STIs (STDs).  We had nothing.  My girlfriend and I want to lose the comdoms, so we both got tests ran.  I just found out that I have genital herpes.  Apparently 22% of adults have it and a large percentage of them do not know they have it.  It is a blood test that is 99.99% accurate.  It is real, I have it.  My cheating ex-wife gave me genital herpes (HSV-2).  !$#&%$%$#@%$#@   

My girlfriend came showed up at my house about 1.5 hours after I found out (she called from the driveway).  She knew something was wrong, so I just told her flat out.  She is going to do research about it before she decides what to do (she is a nurse).  

It isn't fair!  That cheating butt-head ruined our marriage by having an affair.  She made me cry like a little kid.  I am trying to move on with life and now I find out that I have genital herpes.  I can pass it on to others even if I don't have symptoms and I use condoms.  I wish that I could press charges against her and send her to prison for the things she did.  This sucks.  I might lose this person because of what my ex-wife did.  

Does the destruction caused by a cheating spouse ever end?  Isn't it bad enough that I will always have to question things I shouldn't ever have to question (emotionally)?  !#@%   

Please let us know how things go. Please know you and your new lady love are in my prayers. I wish you the absolute best - you've suffered enough and deserve happiness. Best Wishes.
 
August 26, 2005, 3:19 am CDT

Marriage and Possibility of more?

I didn't know where to post ths message: in Infidelity or just Relationships. There are a lot of questions and its kind of rant, so those not interested in rants... don't read it. Otherwise have fun.  

   

I am tired of the old fashioned way we look at marriage, people get close they have intimate moments and sometimes they fall for someone else. Its not like you are leaving the marriage... why do people get married anyways? besides children. Why does seeking more intimate moments with multiple people mean you don't love the person your with?    

    

What if you are in my situation where you are loved and adored and cared for, but you don't want to have children and you want to feel passionate about mulitple people, not just one? Why do people believe I must have constant guilt and shame of wanting more? I do nothing, but I want more... i do. No one can change that about me. My mom will tell you that I've been like this since I was born. You can say I am a fish that grows out of its pond all the time.   

    

Are there others like that out there? If so, why are we not satisfied? Why does it always have to be more? AND further more... why do people see wanting more from life as a bad thing? Are they jealous they settled? Or do they just not understand because they are content?   

    

I like Dr. Phil, but sometimes I feel he just doesn't like to talk about what it is like to want more than you have (emotionally)or frankly what it is like to get in the mood for something different. AND when he does why it is almost always bad? I dont' feel bad, I feel whole when I have the world open to me. I get excited about the possibilities of newness of freshness of knowing someon  new. Why do I have to be content with what I have all the time?     

 
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