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Topic : Infidelity

Number of Replies: 4739
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:02:24 pm
Author : dataimport
Has your partner been unfaithful? Have you been the one to stray? Share your advice and support with others that have experienced infidelity.

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August 26, 2005, 5:37 am CDT

Marriage is not for everyone, and as long as you are using protection from STD''s, it is truly your life...

Quote From: nychicken

I didn't know where to post ths message: in Infidelity or just Relationships. There are a lot of questions and its kind of rant, so those not interested in rants... don't read it. Otherwise have fun.  

   

I am tired of the old fashioned way we look at marriage, people get close they have intimate moments and sometimes they fall for someone else. Its not like you are leaving the marriage... why do people get married anyways? besides children. Why does seeking more intimate moments with multiple people mean you don't love the person your with?    

    

What if you are in my situation where you are loved and adored and cared for, but you don't want to have children and you want to feel passionate about mulitple people, not just one? Why do people believe I must have constant guilt and shame of wanting more? I do nothing, but I want more... i do. No one can change that about me. My mom will tell you that I've been like this since I was born. You can say I am a fish that grows out of its pond all the time.   

    

Are there others like that out there? If so, why are we not satisfied? Why does it always have to be more? AND further more... why do people see wanting more from life as a bad thing? Are they jealous they settled? Or do they just not understand because they are content?   

    

I like Dr. Phil, but sometimes I feel he just doesn't like to talk about what it is like to want more than you have (emotionally)or frankly what it is like to get in the mood for something different. AND when he does why it is almost always bad? I dont' feel bad, I feel whole when I have the world open to me. I get excited about the possibilities of newness of freshness of knowing someon  new. Why do I have to be content with what I have all the time?     

Marriage is not for everyone, and as long as you are using protection from STD''s, it is truly your life, and how you live it, as long as everyone in your life is on the same page, again, it is your life.    

    

A lot of people that get married have some sort of religious belief, and most religions teach monogamy. When people get married they usually make a vow to their god to love honor and respect that one person.     

    

This doesn't fit everyone, and if it doesn't fit you, then you should at least respect  the beliefs of those that it does fit, as much as you are asking those to respect your view. I think the main thing that people may have concerns about, as far as your wantings to share your body and love with many others, instead of just one, would be if there are any underlining reasons for feeling this way.   

    

 I am not judging you or your desires, but some people that have the feelings you are describing lack the ability to connect with people on an intimate level. Some have difficulty committing to one person due to things like sexual abuse as a child, or the lack of being held or given affection when younger.    

    

If you have never experienced any sexual trauma, and was given love and was cuddled and such as a child, and you still feel this way, then again, it is your business.   

  

By you posting on the infidelity board, makes me wonder if you are talking about you sharing yourself with many others while one or some think they are the "one and only." If that is the case then there is plenty wrong with that.   

  

Without honesty in any relationship is actually no relationship at all. If everyone is on the same page, and everyone is aware that, according to the morals of  our society, your morals are looser than the norm. If they are accepting of this, and in agreement on this: and again,if you are using protection to prevent sharing disease while sharing your body, then maybe you fit into a certain part of our culture that believes in free love. (wow this is way too long a sentence)   

  

In sharing yourself with others for the pure pleasure of the sexual act itself, and the gratification you are receiving from this,  should at least make you aware in our society this type of behavior is considered debauchery. I am not giving you my opinion, that's society's opinion. You not accepting society's view on this is a little hypocritical as you are asking other's to accept your life style, while not accepting those of our so called civil society.   

   

I don't know if this helps, or if this is the feedback you are expecting to receive, but I hope this helps, and I am sure that this makes you an interesting person, to say the least. Good luck!  

 
August 26, 2005, 8:53 am CDT

A herpes primer for all

Quote From: juballl

That's a tough thing to learn, but I think it admirable that you were smart enough to do the test! Hopefully this new woman in your life will find it in her heart to deal with the situation. I had never heard one could contract it even using a condom. This is good news to pass on to the boards.  Where did you get your information about still being able to pass it on, even with a condom? Are you sure this is valid?  

  

I hope, as I am sure all reading does, that things work out with you and your new love. It would be a tough loss after all you have been through. The only consolation is that it is not a deadly disease, and there are medications to help suppress, as I am sure you have seen the commercials on television. That is truly a sad thing, and again I hope your new love will come around and with the use of condoms, I would think the chances of passing it along would be lessened. 

  

There may be the ability for you to bring a lawsuit against your ex-wife. Check with a lawyer, as after having to deal with her infidelity, she would deserve having to compensate you for it, and with your prior test showing you were clean at one point in time, maybe it would be possible. Check with a lawyer. I doubt you could send her to  prison, but it would be sweet to get a check from her each month for giving you this disease from an affair! If you do check with a lawyer, and are able to bring charges, let us know, as there may be others on the boards that have experienced the same situation, and what better way to make others think, before they go giving their bodies to whomever? 

 

Good luck, and I am sure there are lots of us not only rooting for you, but having a good thought for you as well. 

You can get genital herpes even if you use condoms.  I was referred to the westoverheights website by my doc.  I quickly discovered that (1) 22% of adults have herpes-2 (2) 70-90% don't know they have it, but can spread it (3) it is a virus that lives in the nerves and comes out in the general genital area (4) outbreaks can happen anywhere that would normally be covered by a pair of boxer shorts (5) outbreaks are extremely contageous (6) the skin area where a person normally has outbreaks is often contageous even if there are no symptoms - 5 to 10% of the time (7) the virus spreads thru the skin (8) even with condom use there is a chance to spread the virus when there are (or are not) symptoms because of shedding (skin cells containing active virus at surface of skin).    

    

In my particular case, I do not appear to have outbreaks at all.  The cold hard facts are that my girlfriend will have about a 10% chance of getting the virus from me if we are together for 1 year.  If we use condoms then the chance is reduced, but it isn't very clear as to how much it will be reduced because it depends on where my skin is contageous when I am shedding (which I do not know because I don't get symptoms)....  The medicine advertised on tv says that it will reduce the chance of spreading by 50%.  That still seems like a pretty big chance to take.    

    

If your spouse is cheating, odds are that 1 in 4 people the cheat with have genital herpes.  Since it is estimated that for every time a spouse is caught having an affair, there where actually 3 different affairs, ...  that gives you a 75% chance that your spouse has come in contact with the virus if you catch them having 1 affair.    

 
August 26, 2005, 11:31 am CDT

All I can say is my heart goes out to you,...

Quote From: iamdada

You can get genital herpes even if you use condoms.  I was referred to the westoverheights website by my doc.  I quickly discovered that (1) 22% of adults have herpes-2 (2) 70-90% don't know they have it, but can spread it (3) it is a virus that lives in the nerves and comes out in the general genital area (4) outbreaks can happen anywhere that would normally be covered by a pair of boxer shorts (5) outbreaks are extremely contageous (6) the skin area where a person normally has outbreaks is often contageous even if there are no symptoms - 5 to 10% of the time (7) the virus spreads thru the skin (8) even with condom use there is a chance to spread the virus when there are (or are not) symptoms because of shedding (skin cells containing active virus at surface of skin).    

    

In my particular case, I do not appear to have outbreaks at all.  The cold hard facts are that my girlfriend will have about a 10% chance of getting the virus from me if we are together for 1 year.  If we use condoms then the chance is reduced, but it isn't very clear as to how much it will be reduced because it depends on where my skin is contageous when I am shedding (which I do not know because I don't get symptoms)....  The medicine advertised on tv says that it will reduce the chance of spreading by 50%.  That still seems like a pretty big chance to take.    

    

If your spouse is cheating, odds are that 1 in 4 people the cheat with have genital herpes.  Since it is estimated that for every time a spouse is caught having an affair, there where actually 3 different affairs, ...  that gives you a 75% chance that your spouse has come in contact with the virus if you catch them having 1 affair.    

All I can say is my heart goes out to you, and I, as well as many who read this board, appreciate your candor, and wish you the best out of this situation. It is truly sad what men and women to do each other, in the name of love. Thank you so much for sharing with us, and I am sure this has brought some new light to many on these boards. Good luck, and I, as well as many who read this board will have a good thought for you I am sure. Please keep us up to date on how things turn out.
 
August 31, 2005, 8:25 pm CDT

email

Hello All, 

  

Is there anyone that would care to private email.  

Looking for someone to discuss marriage. 

Male or female. 

Thank you 

 
September 2, 2005, 2:19 am CDT

confused

I have been married for 9 1/2 years and have never had and affair or even thought about it but lately their is this guy at work who has caught my eye. We talk and spend time together but that is as far as it has gone. I know for a fact that a few years ago my husband did have an affair. sometimes  i think if I do something with this guy my husband deserves it because he did it to me . Am I crazy or what. I just don't know . I trully feel that in my heart I would never do anything because I believe in my vows and I value my marriage and what it means. We have been together for 15 years. I just don't know if I should tell my husband that I am talking with this other man. Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
September 2, 2005, 5:25 am CDT

what to do?

  I have been married to my wife for 20 years and love her to death. We have a man and his wife and 4 kids as our family friends for about 3 years now. We always go over and cook out or just hang out and there kids hang with ours etc....taken vacations together as families etc. I noticed my wife being more friendly with this guy than i tough was normal. I asked her about it several times and she said i was crazy and I would have "nothing to worry about" with him. This went on for at least a year or so and i still pestered her about it and sometimes we would argue about there closeness. They chatted on line all the time, played games and left message all the time in a gaming website etc. I used some software a few times to see what they were typing to each other. It was just real personal stuff like "kids are at school now" and "i just woke up" and "hope you have a wonderful evening" and stuff like that. a few months ago i recorded my own phone line one day to see who was calling and what they were saying while i was at work. I listened that night to my wife telling her best friend about her being "his other woman" and "how i really should end it, but don't really want too"!! When confronted she admitted to the "love affair" and having sex several times secretly during the day with our family friend! I told his wife and she got mad but is right back with him (they have 4 kids!).  I am totally ruined by all this...my life is shot to me. My wife has done the worst thing to me she could have by doing this. We are still together (i have 2 girls) and we have been to a few marriage counseling sessions. She has cut it off  with him (she says) and we have not spoke to them in 3 months since i have found out. She says she was going to end it and i would have never know but i found out. I fell so terrible everyday thinking about my wife sneaking off and having sex and feelings for this other man. She acts like its no big deal, and just wants to never talk about it again. It consumes my every waking moment even 3 months later! I feel as if i have lost the love of my life, she has chosen another, and i am just wanting to go away forever but the pain will always be there no matter what happens. She blames me for being mean to her and the kids and it "pushed her away" so this is what happens. This is so terrible to me....I'm 45 and have never felt worse in my life because of this. She scours websites (including this one) to see if i post messages or profiles on dating websites to see if I am looking for another woman. That is the last thing in the world i want. I love her more than words cans say and always have, but with this event i don't know if i can go on anymore with this cancer consuming my brain everyday (bad thoughts of those 2 having sex) etc. They fell in love, i asked the other man on the phone and he said he loved her. It was a long time courting then they finally took action and where going off on meetings and lunches and dates and then finally many sexual encounters. This too much for me to forgive and think about everyday and it has been 3 months! What to do? Help me think straight...i have to girls to think about.
 
September 2, 2005, 10:33 am CDT

stay true

Quote From: kuku4u2d

I have been married for 9 1/2 years and have never had and affair or even thought about it but lately their is this guy at work who has caught my eye. We talk and spend time together but that is as far as it has gone. I know for a fact that a few years ago my husband did have an affair. sometimes  i think if I do something with this guy my husband deserves it because he did it to me . Am I crazy or what. I just don't know . I trully feel that in my heart I would never do anything because I believe in my vows and I value my marriage and what it means. We have been together for 15 years. I just don't know if I should tell my husband that I am talking with this other man. Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Remember how you felt when your husband had the affair......... remember all the things that went through your mind?  Do you really think getting back at him will make it all go away.  It will only make things worse.  If you don't trust yourself, you need to back away from this person.  You made vows to be faithful.  Just because he made a mistake doesn't make it right for you to do the same.  

Your marriage will fall apart.  If you don't want to be married, that is one thing.  But if you love your husband, then why cheat?  Gosh, with someone at work?!?  You know it would never go any where, so why risk it.  

 
September 2, 2005, 10:36 am CDT

sure

Quote From: skyjem128

Hello All, 

  

Is there anyone that would care to private email.  

Looking for someone to discuss marriage. 

Male or female. 

Thank you 

anna19harris@hotmail.com   

    

I am  open for discussion.  

 
September 2, 2005, 3:40 pm CDT

Infidelity

Quote From: kuku4u2d

I have been married for 9 1/2 years and have never had and affair or even thought about it but lately their is this guy at work who has caught my eye. We talk and spend time together but that is as far as it has gone. I know for a fact that a few years ago my husband did have an affair. sometimes  i think if I do something with this guy my husband deserves it because he did it to me . Am I crazy or what. I just don't know . I trully feel that in my heart I would never do anything because I believe in my vows and I value my marriage and what it means. We have been together for 15 years. I just don't know if I should tell my husband that I am talking with this other man. Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You have a friend of the opposite sex that you are attracted to and that you have conversations with.  Sounds like you are already having an affair.  An affair isn't having sex with someone else, an affair is building up a relationship with someone.  The sex is just part of the process.  

   

Do not justify an affair by saying that "if he wouldn't have done x then this wouldn't have happened".  There is no real justification.  You can come up with reasons, but I am sure that your husband could do the same thing (if he didn't try to justify what he did several years ago).  It isn't real justification, it is just an attempt to make yourself feel better about what you did (or may do).  

   

You should never have a hidden friend.  Either tell your husband that you have a friend, or stop having the secret friend.    

   

Lastly, go to marriage builders dot com and start working thru the exercises there.  Spend time alone and with your husband working on improving your marriage.  

 
September 2, 2005, 4:18 pm CDT

Infidelity

Quote From: notthesame

  I have been married to my wife for 20 years and love her to death. We have a man and his wife and 4 kids as our family friends for about 3 years now. We always go over and cook out or just hang out and there kids hang with ours etc....taken vacations together as families etc. I noticed my wife being more friendly with this guy than i tough was normal. I asked her about it several times and she said i was crazy and I would have "nothing to worry about" with him. This went on for at least a year or so and i still pestered her about it and sometimes we would argue about there closeness. They chatted on line all the time, played games and left message all the time in a gaming website etc. I used some software a few times to see what they were typing to each other. It was just real personal stuff like "kids are at school now" and "i just woke up" and "hope you have a wonderful evening" and stuff like that. a few months ago i recorded my own phone line one day to see who was calling and what they were saying while i was at work. I listened that night to my wife telling her best friend about her being "his other woman" and "how i really should end it, but don't really want too"!! When confronted she admitted to the "love affair" and having sex several times secretly during the day with our family friend! I told his wife and she got mad but is right back with him (they have 4 kids!).  I am totally ruined by all this...my life is shot to me. My wife has done the worst thing to me she could have by doing this. We are still together (i have 2 girls) and we have been to a few marriage counseling sessions. She has cut it off  with him (she says) and we have not spoke to them in 3 months since i have found out. She says she was going to end it and i would have never know but i found out. I fell so terrible everyday thinking about my wife sneaking off and having sex and feelings for this other man. She acts like its no big deal, and just wants to never talk about it again. It consumes my every waking moment even 3 months later! I feel as if i have lost the love of my life, she has chosen another, and i am just wanting to go away forever but the pain will always be there no matter what happens. She blames me for being mean to her and the kids and it "pushed her away" so this is what happens. This is so terrible to me....I'm 45 and have never felt worse in my life because of this. She scours websites (including this one) to see if i post messages or profiles on dating websites to see if I am looking for another woman. That is the last thing in the world i want. I love her more than words cans say and always have, but with this event i don't know if i can go on anymore with this cancer consuming my brain everyday (bad thoughts of those 2 having sex) etc. They fell in love, i asked the other man on the phone and he said he loved her. It was a long time courting then they finally took action and where going off on meetings and lunches and dates and then finally many sexual encounters. This too much for me to forgive and think about everyday and it has been 3 months! What to do? Help me think straight...i have to girls to think about.

I was crushed when after my wife admitted her affair.  I never got over it.  Our marriage was ruined.  I could never trust her again.  Sex didn't feel special with her anymore.  I used to like having sex with her, but after the affair, all I could think about was her having sex with him.  It consumed me.  The thought of her talking on the phone and emails to him consumed me.  It ruined us.  

   

I felt like life was over for many months.  I was very depressed.  I was trying very hard to deal with the issue and figure out why it happened.  She was trying very hard to make it dissapear and tell me that it was my fault.  It wasn't my fault.  I realized that it had very little to do with me.  I got sad, she got mad.  She said that our problem was that I 'just had to keep digging'.  She told me that she was going to end it (and that it was pretty much over when I found out).  She didn't think that the affair caused a problem, it was just me (because of the way I reacted to the affair).  

   

I asked her to move out a few times and she finally did.  I wanted my son, so I never left.  (side note here - the person that has the kids when you get seperated usually gets to keep the kids.  the judge assumes that the parents make an unconscious decision when they seperate and that the kids usually stay with the parent that should have custody anyway.)  I have custody of our son.  After she moved out, I realized that we would never be together again.  I accepted it.    

   

Several months after she moved out, she wanted back.  She thought that we would just be apart for  a while and then I would beg her to come back.  It didn't really start to sink in until she got served with the divorce petition.  It hit her like a ton of bricks and she wasn't mad anymore, she was suddenly devistated.    

   

My depression had ended and I was moving on with life.  I took care of the divorce and came to the decision that the best revenge would be to move on and be happy.  I put a personals ad on craigslist for my area and said just that.  I put a picture up, described myself and then wrote a short blurb about moving on with life (I even wrote that it was the best revenge I could think of) and wanting to meet new friends.  It was about 1am when I wrote that ad.  I got up the next morning (Saturday) and checked my email.  My email was flooded with responses.  I was a bit overwhelmed.  I actually had to remove my ad about 16 hours after posting it because I got so many responses.  I met several great women and I am dating 1 in particular that is 100 times the woman that my wife was.  

   

My life is much better than it was when I was with my ex-wife (and I thought it was good when I was with her).  The only negative thing is the subject that I posted a bit about on this board...  testing (+) for genital herpes because of her cheating behavior.  

   

Trust your gut here and do what it tells you to do.  If I could go back in time to the day I first discovered the affair, I would skip the entire process of trying to salvage our marriage.  I would just pack a couple of bags for my son and I and move out.  I feel like the months that I stayed and tried to make things work just made the pain of the whole thing last longer.  

   

Life will go on for you.  Life will be good again.  You will be happy again.  She isn't worthy of your love.  She knows it and that is why she scours the boards looking to see if you are looking for someone new.  

 
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