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Topic : Infidelity

Number of Replies: 4739
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:02:24 pm
Author : dataimport
Has your partner been unfaithful? Have you been the one to stray? Share your advice and support with others that have experienced infidelity.

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November 12, 2008, 9:08 am CST

daughter's bf update......

I did some digging, came up with more information, did a background check on him, and found out that he is who he claims he is. Afterward, I sent him an email asking him to give me the same info. To see if he would tell me the truth. He was. I also asked to to tell me about his marriage and what happened. According to him, he and his now-ex were married 6 years. Got married at 22. She has four children, only the oldest, the boy, is his. She had three other children with two different men while married to him. She is with the Navy guy she had the two youngest with, and they live in Connecticut because he was transferred there. He had a wife too. The guy that she had child #2 with is an unknown entity. Seems like she went home with him one night after meeting him at a bar and had a one-night stand. I know her name now. Well, her name is "whore" to me, but I know her real name too.

He also gave me his cell phone number, his father's cell phone #, and his dad's fiancee's number also. He is close to his father, and to his mom, who is remarried and lives in Boston. The dad and his siblings live in Ohio, and I know what town. He says he has a good relationship with his parents and their respective partners. I have  called his dad and have verified info with him also. I did a look-up first on the 'net to see if this really was his father. He is who I thought he was, a "nice guy" who is emotionally more my daughter's age than his own, who has been through hell and just wants to be "happy" and he thinks my daughter is the answer to his prayers. Jeez. My daughter thinks that he is the answer to hers. Jeez again. I will say that he is more forthcoming than my daughter is. He has told me that will will answer any questions I have or give me any information I desire. And he has, and it has checked out.

Now, the fact that I have some relief regarding who he is does not in any way mitigate my continuing concern over this arrangement. Any rational adult would be able to see the disaster coming here, for each of them personally. But, love is blind. And deaf and dumb. Young love more so than any other kind. And, my daughter will have her way in this. And any negative thing I have to say about it is rejected by  her outright. She is not going to allow me or anyone else to "ruin" this for her. She has not responded to her brother's phone calls, texts, or IM's. And, her dad is on her side. I have not had any kind of contact from him in regards to this, and I didn't expect to. But, I know him so well. He is so happy that she is leaving me. I think he wouldn't care if she was going to live with Satan himself, as long as it meant he had been successful in turning her away from me. It is his most sought-after triumph.

So, off she goes, in two weeks. All I can do is keep in contact with her as much as she will allow, and do my utmost to keep a connection. She will not make it easy. And, if she finds out that this is not the nirvana she thought it was, and needs me, of course I will be there for her. Like I always have and always will.
 
November 12, 2008, 9:17 am CST

Actions, not words

Quote From: jnasset

Ok where so I start...

 

Saturday I went to go shopping and when I was putting stuff in the trunk, I decided to look through his work bag. Guess what I found that same pre-pay phone he said wasn't his. LOL Well this time he was stupid because even though I couldn't get into the phone, the wallpaper would flash when you put in the incorrect pin. It was her in a thong!!! So I called him on the way home and asked him if he had anything to tell me??  I told him he could tell me right then or when I got home, but there was no denying it this time. I told him he wasn't getting the phone back either.

 

So when I got home he called her and told her I found the phone and she hung up real quick cus she knew I was going to get on the phone. I busted the phone and deleted the 3 pictures of her on it. They both said it was over and now we are suppose to move on I guess.

 

She called me and told me sorry for everything (like her apology is anything). Swore on her kids that she wouldn't talk to him again and if I found out they were,I could go to her husband and tell him everything.  What makes her think I need her permission to tell her husband?? The only reason he doesn't know now is because he is in Irqa and I have more respect for our soldiers, then she does.

 

I love my husband no doubt because we have 3 wonderful boys. I remember the good times with him and they were great. Right now the bad times out weigh them and I'm pretty sure I've fallen out of love with him. In a way I'm happy because it doesn't hurt anymore, but it makes me sad to because I've never felt so little for my husband.

 

Any advice??

It's my opinion that your husband just negated everything he has told you about wanting to stay married and work it out. If he was serious, he would have been true to his word and stopped all contact with the other woman.

He is a bold-faced liar, and did it to passify you into believing him.

He knowingly lied because he did not want things to change.

 

If what you say is true, and you are privately happy to know the full truth, that it doesn't make you hurt but rather sets you free, then it's time to part company with him.

 

For the sake of your 3 boys I would try to keep the split as friendly as possible. You are both  guilty of cheating on each other, so being bitter and spiteful will only hurt the children. They are going to suffer the most.

 

 

 
November 12, 2008, 2:25 pm CST

Whew!

Quote From: j_quantz

I did some digging, came up with more information, did a background check on him, and found out that he is who he claims he is. Afterward, I sent him an email asking him to give me the same info. To see if he would tell me the truth. He was. I also asked to to tell me about his marriage and what happened. According to him, he and his now-ex were married 6 years. Got married at 22. She has four children, only the oldest, the boy, is his. She had three other children with two different men while married to him. She is with the Navy guy she had the two youngest with, and they live in Connecticut because he was transferred there. He had a wife too. The guy that she had child #2 with is an unknown entity. Seems like she went home with him one night after meeting him at a bar and had a one-night stand. I know her name now. Well, her name is "whore" to me, but I know her real name too.

He also gave me his cell phone number, his father's cell phone #, and his dad's fiancee's number also. He is close to his father, and to his mom, who is remarried and lives in Boston. The dad and his siblings live in Ohio, and I know what town. He says he has a good relationship with his parents and their respective partners. I have  called his dad and have verified info with him also. I did a look-up first on the 'net to see if this really was his father. He is who I thought he was, a "nice guy" who is emotionally more my daughter's age than his own, who has been through hell and just wants to be "happy" and he thinks my daughter is the answer to his prayers. Jeez. My daughter thinks that he is the answer to hers. Jeez again. I will say that he is more forthcoming than my daughter is. He has told me that will will answer any questions I have or give me any information I desire. And he has, and it has checked out.

Now, the fact that I have some relief regarding who he is does not in any way mitigate my continuing concern over this arrangement. Any rational adult would be able to see the disaster coming here, for each of them personally. But, love is blind. And deaf and dumb. Young love more so than any other kind. And, my daughter will have her way in this. And any negative thing I have to say about it is rejected by  her outright. She is not going to allow me or anyone else to "ruin" this for her. She has not responded to her brother's phone calls, texts, or IM's. And, her dad is on her side. I have not had any kind of contact from him in regards to this, and I didn't expect to. But, I know him so well. He is so happy that she is leaving me. I think he wouldn't care if she was going to live with Satan himself, as long as it meant he had been successful in turning her away from me. It is his most sought-after triumph.

So, off she goes, in two weeks. All I can do is keep in contact with her as much as she will allow, and do my utmost to keep a connection. She will not make it easy. And, if she finds out that this is not the nirvana she thought it was, and needs me, of course I will be there for her. Like I always have and always will.

Well, that's a relief, huh? I'm with you though, I can see the hazards of this. The internet is deficient in SO MANY ways when it comes to meeting people. Especially when it comes to long distance romances.

It's refreshing that this man was willing to divulge what ever you needed to know, even if your daughter did not want to.

I don't know about your assessment of emotional immaturity, but he does sound rather passive. If he put up with a woman that cheated on him repeatedly, he may be emotionally distant with your daughter. Sometimes getting burned badly will cause a person not to love easily again. (Like I have to tell you this?)

I hope you never have to say "I told you so" to her, I wish her well.

 

 
November 12, 2008, 6:19 pm CST

I agree w/you, ritehere.....

Quote From: ritehere

Well, that's a relief, huh? I'm with you though, I can see the hazards of this. The internet is deficient in SO MANY ways when it comes to meeting people. Especially when it comes to long distance romances.

It's refreshing that this man was willing to divulge what ever you needed to know, even if your daughter did not want to.

I don't know about your assessment of emotional immaturity, but he does sound rather passive. If he put up with a woman that cheated on him repeatedly, he may be emotionally distant with your daughter. Sometimes getting burned badly will cause a person not to love easily again. (Like I have to tell you this?)

I hope you never have to say "I told you so" to her, I wish her well.

 

Yes, he is passive. I believe I mentioned that in a previous post. I know passive when I see it. Or hear it. Or whatever it. The b/f also mentioned that the wife passed the second child off as his, but recanted after the guy she had kids 3 and 4 with and she "fell in love" and decided to get divorced from their respective spouses. Then she admitted that the child wasn't his. And admitted to the one-night stand that produced the child. A paternity test proved that is wasn't his. But he claims to be "the father" of the child anyway, because he bonded with it and loved and cared for it until the truth came out. And, instead of being withdrawn and leery because he got burned so badly, he has fallen for my daughter and is madly in love with her. I am worried that when HE sees that my daughter has selfish, self-centered tendencies and will shut out anyone who doesn't go along with her, and is passive-aggressive just like her father, that he will be crushed. More so than she, I am afraid. Unless he is so passive that he will endure and put up with it, like I think he will. For how long, who knows? There are no exes or children around to interfere with their relationship. I think they will remain in "la-la land" for quite a while. He will be on duty for periods of time, but my daughter is okay with this. She'll miss him, but she does have an independent nature for all her immaturity. As long as everything remains hearts and flowers, it will be fine. My daughter plans on pursuing her dreams while there. She plans on going to culinary school, and he will pay for it. She will be in Hawaii, paradise as far as she's concerned. She surfs, scuba dives, and loves the beach, due to her 10 yrs. in California. She plans to work, but doesn't have to completely support herself. He has a profession that will pay him the big bucks when he gets out of the Navy in 2 years. He already has job offers waiting for him. I wouldn't be surprised if they eventually married. So, what's not to love about this? For my daughter, it's great. Made to order for her desires and plans. And, his roommate is moving out at the end of the month and moving in with his g/f. Happy happy joy joy.
 
November 13, 2008, 3:36 am CST

Photos from the past

Quote From: ritehere

Your girls need reminders that you two love them, even if you don't love each other anymore.

I would pick out pictures of them with their father, not all of them, but several. Let them pick out their favorite to frame and put in their bedroom(s), and put some of the others in a scrapbook. Alongside the pictures of them with their father should be pictures of you with them also, plus a framed photo of you with them.

The rest of the photos with you and your ex together with them, and the wedding photos should be packed up and put away for them when they grow up, should they wish to have them.

If and when you choose another partner, this person should have no problems with the displayed photos. Any displayed photos of you and the ex together would send a signal that you are not "done" with your ex emotionally. Also, any displeasure on the part of the new man over the displayed photos of just the daughters with their father would be a signal to YOU that he has questionable attitudes.

 

Does this sound OK to you?

This sounds okay with me. I am happy to do this. Thank you for your reply.
 
November 13, 2008, 4:00 am CST

Feeling guilty about Child Support

Quote From: realgood2u

 

Please DO NOT get rid of any of those photos!  My mother has been dead for ten years and my father has just passed.  The most precious things my sister and I have are pictures.  They can never be replaced or duplicated which equals priceless to me.

 

It is not necessary to have these photos displayed all over your house, but if your daughter wants to have

a few in her room I see no problem with it.  I can almost assure you that they will be replaced with pictures

of her friends when she reaches the teen years.

 

Again, please think of the future and do not destroy the pictures.

I previously had a private arrangement with my ex when we were getting along okay, that we would both agree to a certain amount he pays, for child support every fortnight. Now at this time we had arranged $450 fortnight despite the fact that if we went through child support, he would have to pay $600 fortnight. As my ex earned alot, he was suppose to pay $600 fortnight. The reason I agreed to $450 is because I worked full time and he worked shift work, so certain weekdays he would have the 2 girls, 3x week and my mum had them 2x week. My mum had to travel from another town which takes 40mins. I did not feel comfortable with non family members looking after my girls, so my mum would drive down and she was also happy to do this.

Then things started to get difficult with my ex and I. He would only want look after girls at his convenience and his attention level with girls decreased. He later admitted seeing someone and then it was clear why his attention to our girls had decreased. He started deliberately distancing himself from girls and I, and I had enough!!! I thought it was time to take some action and think about what was best for the girls and I. I had always wanted to move back to the same town as my parents and family, which was 40mins away, but did not want to take my girls away from their dad.

After some deep conversations with close friends and family, it was clear that I had to be surrounded with people who could offer me and girls support. I quit my job and moved to town where parents leave. I also went to child support and got them to collect the money for me, as I no longer wanted a private arrangement. I did not realise that by being on a private arrangement I was not only getting lesser payments from girls dad, but because their social security system thought I was getting $600 fortnight, they paid me less for family benefits a fortnight.

I still feel deeply guilty for getting out of the private arrangement and did at one stage go back to it. My ex blames me for him being broke all the time and that he cannot pay for his mortgage. He evens tells my girls, when he seems them, that he can't buy anything because I have taken all of his money.  

How can I stop all this guilt and how do I explain to my girls who are 5 and 9yrs old, that I am not taking all his money, when I do feel I am. I know alot of people feel the child support money he pays me is ridiculous and I am starting to think again that maybe I should go back to a private agreement because I don't want to be called a money hungry person. Please help see what is the best method for me and the girls!!!!

 

 
November 13, 2008, 8:35 am CST

Proof

Quote From: confused75

I previously had a private arrangement with my ex when we were getting along okay, that we would both agree to a certain amount he pays, for child support every fortnight. Now at this time we had arranged $450 fortnight despite the fact that if we went through child support, he would have to pay $600 fortnight. As my ex earned alot, he was suppose to pay $600 fortnight. The reason I agreed to $450 is because I worked full time and he worked shift work, so certain weekdays he would have the 2 girls, 3x week and my mum had them 2x week. My mum had to travel from another town which takes 40mins. I did not feel comfortable with non family members looking after my girls, so my mum would drive down and she was also happy to do this.

Then things started to get difficult with my ex and I. He would only want look after girls at his convenience and his attention level with girls decreased. He later admitted seeing someone and then it was clear why his attention to our girls had decreased. He started deliberately distancing himself from girls and I, and I had enough!!! I thought it was time to take some action and think about what was best for the girls and I. I had always wanted to move back to the same town as my parents and family, which was 40mins away, but did not want to take my girls away from their dad.

After some deep conversations with close friends and family, it was clear that I had to be surrounded with people who could offer me and girls support. I quit my job and moved to town where parents leave. I also went to child support and got them to collect the money for me, as I no longer wanted a private arrangement. I did not realise that by being on a private arrangement I was not only getting lesser payments from girls dad, but because their social security system thought I was getting $600 fortnight, they paid me less for family benefits a fortnight.

I still feel deeply guilty for getting out of the private arrangement and did at one stage go back to it. My ex blames me for him being broke all the time and that he cannot pay for his mortgage. He evens tells my girls, when he seems them, that he can't buy anything because I have taken all of his money.  

How can I stop all this guilt and how do I explain to my girls who are 5 and 9yrs old, that I am not taking all his money, when I do feel I am. I know alot of people feel the child support money he pays me is ridiculous and I am starting to think again that maybe I should go back to a private agreement because I don't want to be called a money hungry person. Please help see what is the best method for me and the girls!!!!

 

Ask yourself: where is the proof that you are causing your husband to be broke?

Think about this in detail- how long has it been since the divorce? How many pay raises do you think he has had since then? Your girls are older now, everything is more expensive as they get older, clothes, school supplies, etc. It's natural that you both would be spending more as they got older, even if you were still married.

Now, he has a girlfriend that is very expensive. Not only does she demand his time and attention, I'm sure he is more broke now than before because he is wining and dining her, don't you think?

 

How much do you want to bet he is complaining about being broke because it has worked for him in the past and he counts on it working for him this time too? The guilt you feel is the guilt you put on yourself because for some reason you still defer to your ex's wishes and wants. Isn't it time to think about what your girls' needs are, and put them above your husband's girlfriend's wants?

 
November 14, 2008, 5:40 am CST

cheating husband

I dont know what to do. Anyway, this is my story, I have been married for 4 years with one hudsome boy. All throught I really trusted my husband and I didnt even bother checking on his mobile telephone or even a surprise visit to his work place. Come last Thursday, my husband accidently left his cell phone charging in the house, it rang and then I decided to pick it. A female answered the phone but I didnt think much about it as I thought maybe it is just a workmate. Then I saw there was a text message on his phone and I decided to read it. To my surprise it was written. Thank you, I love you too.

My husband came back for his cell phone and i confronted him on the message on his mobile phone. He was breathing so hard and snatched the phone and deleted all other messages very fast from his cell phone. I couldnt do much about it as he left the house so fast and I didnt alert the nanny on what was going on. After a while I received a call from the woman saying that the message was not meant for my husband but later my husband admitted that he had a close "work" relationship with the woman who is a colleague. So my question is how can I know the truth? Please some one help me. Is there anyway I can be able to retrieve all the messages sent on his phone?

I talked to the woman and she agreed to meet me on the coming Saturday but she never showed up and then all of a sudden my husband informed me that the woman resigned and she will be leaving for Canada. I feel he is cheating to me.
 
November 14, 2008, 9:35 am CST

Actions, actions, actions! not words....

Quote From: kellyjohnw

I dont know what to do. Anyway, this is my story, I have been married for 4 years with one hudsome boy. All throught I really trusted my husband and I didnt even bother checking on his mobile telephone or even a surprise visit to his work place. Come last Thursday, my husband accidently left his cell phone charging in the house, it rang and then I decided to pick it. A female answered the phone but I didnt think much about it as I thought maybe it is just a workmate. Then I saw there was a text message on his phone and I decided to read it. To my surprise it was written. Thank you, I love you too.

My husband came back for his cell phone and i confronted him on the message on his mobile phone. He was breathing so hard and snatched the phone and deleted all other messages very fast from his cell phone. I couldnt do much about it as he left the house so fast and I didnt alert the nanny on what was going on. After a while I received a call from the woman saying that the message was not meant for my husband but later my husband admitted that he had a close "work" relationship with the woman who is a colleague. So my question is how can I know the truth? Please some one help me. Is there anyway I can be able to retrieve all the messages sent on his phone?

I talked to the woman and she agreed to meet me on the coming Saturday but she never showed up and then all of a sudden my husband informed me that the woman resigned and she will be leaving for Canada. I feel he is cheating to me.

You know what is going on don't you? Our minds have a way of trying to convince of things we want to be true. This is called denial, and denial kills our dreams and eventually can kill us if we persist in it.

 

Think about the events:

1. By your words, "my husband accidently left his cell phone charging in the house", I assume that he keeps his cell phone with him at all times, and leaving it behind is out of character. You may be in denial about it, but it also leads me to believe that you have been suspicious for some time. Your decision to pick it up when it rang bears this out.

2. A female answered. You were right not to think much, it could very well have been a workmate calling about work matters. Also, the text message COULD have been a wrong number.

However, and this is where noticing the actions of others tells you the real truth.

3. When you confronted your husband about the message, he:

  a. Began breathing hard.

  b. Snatched the phone from you.

  c. Deleted all other messages very fast.

  d. Left the house in such a hurry you couldn't go with him.

  e.After a bit a woman calls out of the blue saying that the message was not meant for your husband.

 

This last one begs the question, did you know who the woman was when you saw the message on the phone? Or did your husband say who it was when you confronted him? If not, who did he know to contact about this, to have them call you and give you the excuse that the message was not meant for your husband? And if it WAS just a call from a woman at work on some work-related matter, why all the drama?

Does it LOOK like an everyday occurance? No, it doesn't. NOBODY, and I mean NOBODY acts this way if there's nothing to hide, and you know it.

 

Don't believe a word about her resigning and leaving for Canada. That's just another lie your husband is telling you to passify you into denial.

 
November 15, 2008, 1:40 am CST

cheating husband

Quote From: ritehere

You know what is going on don't you? Our minds have a way of trying to convince of things we want to be true. This is called denial, and denial kills our dreams and eventually can kill us if we persist in it.

 

Think about the events:

1. By your words, "my husband accidently left his cell phone charging in the house", I assume that he keeps his cell phone with him at all times, and leaving it behind is out of character. You may be in denial about it, but it also leads me to believe that you have been suspicious for some time. Your decision to pick it up when it rang bears this out.

2. A female answered. You were right not to think much, it could very well have been a workmate calling about work matters. Also, the text message COULD have been a wrong number.

However, and this is where noticing the actions of others tells you the real truth.

3. When you confronted your husband about the message, he:

  a. Began breathing hard.

  b. Snatched the phone from you.

  c. Deleted all other messages very fast.

  d. Left the house in such a hurry you couldn't go with him.

  e.After a bit a woman calls out of the blue saying that the message was not meant for your husband.

 

This last one begs the question, did you know who the woman was when you saw the message on the phone? Or did your husband say who it was when you confronted him? If not, who did he know to contact about this, to have them call you and give you the excuse that the message was not meant for your husband? And if it WAS just a call from a woman at work on some work-related matter, why all the drama?

Does it LOOK like an everyday occurance? No, it doesn't. NOBODY, and I mean NOBODY acts this way if there's nothing to hide, and you know it.

 

Don't believe a word about her resigning and leaving for Canada. That's just another lie your husband is telling you to passify you into denial.

Hi. Thanks alot for your reply. I have realized that Im in denial mostly because I have never expected my husband to do anything like this to me. First of all the way he is behaving right now is quite different from before. He used to work until 5.00am in the morning but from the time I caught him, things are abit different he is now in the house around 10.00pm and is spending alot of time with my son.  He suggests we go for counselling but I dont think it gonna help in anyway. 

 

I trusted him so much that I dont think whether I will ever ever trust him again. Now my problem is how to you stay in a relationship where you dont trust your husband?

 
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