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Topic : Infidelity
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June 1, 2009, 3:00 pm PDT
 Several months ago, my husand (of nine years) reconnected with an ex-girlfriend online through a social networking site. He's received phone calls, text messages, and emails from her; and his explanation is that, although they dated nearly 20 years ago, he still considers her a friend, that she's happily married with a child of her own, she's living across the country, and they're just catching up on some old times, and current events, etc., etc. But, they've talked nearly every other week. Once or twice, while answering his cellular phone which he uses for his business, I saw a few flirty text messages. I've gotten really angry with him about it, but he assures me it's nothing. I admitted to him that I saw them and expressed how hurt I felt. He seems to disregard it as me being dramatic. Now, I can't look at him the same. For our children, I've been going on as normal. But, I'm so hurt. I'm considering a divorce; but I am a stay-at-home mom, for now, and I've considered that I would have to move in with my family, if I were to terminate our marriage. Also, I don't want to hurt the kids. I've talked to his mom about this and she seems to think that he's ready to reach a birthday milestone; and he may be feeling a bit of insecurity, but at my expense, it doesn't seem quite fair. Am I just over-reacting? Is my jealous unjustified? Can I, or should I, salvage marriage? Thanks in advance. - Christy |
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June 3, 2009, 7:24 am PDT
Quote From: christy2715 Several months ago, my husand (of nine years) reconnected with an ex-girlfriend online through a social networking site. He's received phone calls, text messages, and emails from her; and his explanation is that, although they dated nearly 20 years ago, he still considers her a friend, that she's happily married with a child of her own, she's living across the country, and they're just catching up on some old times, and current events, etc., etc. But, they've talked nearly every other week. Once or twice, while answering his cellular phone which he uses for his business, I saw a few flirty text messages. I've gotten really angry with him about it, but he assures me it's nothing. I admitted to him that I saw them and expressed how hurt I felt. He seems to disregard it as me being dramatic. Now, I can't look at him the same. For our children, I've been going on as normal. But, I'm so hurt. I'm considering a divorce; but I am a stay-at-home mom, for now, and I've considered that I would have to move in with my family, if I were to terminate our marriage. Also, I don't want to hurt the kids. I've talked to his mom about this and she seems to think that he's ready to reach a birthday milestone; and he may be feeling a bit of insecurity, but at my expense, it doesn't seem quite fair. Am I just over-reacting? Is my jealous unjustified? Can I, or should I, salvage marriage? Thanks in advance. - Christy If he isn't sharing the emails with you or putting his phone calls on speaker phone so you can hear what being said, then he is cheating. I say this because if he had nothing to hide then he wouldn't be hiding this correspondence with her from you now would he. He shouldn't be saying anything to her that you can't hear... unless he is planning to cheat with her.. then he sure wouldn't want you to hear their conversations would he?
If you have a way to contact her, (got her # off his phone) then maybe you should call and introduce yourself to her. Do it nicely, do it politely, like "Hi____ this is ______'s wife _________, I just thought I should introduce myself to you since you and he are such good friends." Do not accuse, do not attack her.. but make yourself a person to her. If she has feelings for your husband then making yourself a real live person can sometimes make the "other woman" step back and think about the consequences of her actions on both her family and yours if she carries on any further with your husband. Make small talk, ask about her kids, their names and ages, what they like to do,ask about her husband, where he works, how they met. If she tells you her husbands name and place of employment write it down. Do so because if this doesn't make her back off you will need to contact her husband and tell him that his wife is doing more than just "talking" to an old friend (your husband) but that she is actively flirting and you suspect they may be having an affair. Doing this though is your last resort if he continues to contact her on a regular basis.
If your husband is feeling "left out" or "insecure" with you and your marriage at this time in his life, and you want to keep it intact, its time for you to put more effort into it, into making him feel special and important. Men are easy to get into bed. They will cheat. All it takes is some attention from someone, even a stranger and they will stray, they will go outside the marriage to get what they want and need. The fact that he is talking to his ex, is a serious sign that he will have an affair with her. The fact that the contact is escalating and he is dismissing your concerns is also a big red flag. You are right to be worried and concerned. You have every right to be concerned and your not over reacting, but your reacting in the wrong way. Accusing him and telling him you are checking his phone and such will just make him delete his text messages and emails from her. Keep track of the contact, make notes of what you read and the dates etc, but don't let him know your doing this. It will just push him away from you and straight into her arms.
Do what I suggested and contact her. , let her get to know you. Don't discuss any negatives about your marriage, you just make sure she knows how happy you are, how content you and your husband are with each other. He may be telling her a totally different story! If there is nothing going on between the two of them then he won't care that you have contact with her. If he blows his top, then you may have just blown his plan of attack to get more closely involved with her again after all these years.
Why did they break up 20 yrs ago? That may be a clue to to also... Staying in a marriage that is happy and truthful is a good thing, staying in a marriage with someone who is cheating, be it texting or phone calls or sleeping with them is totally wrong. Your kids will pick up on the fact that mom and dad aren't happy and that can be worse than leaving and being happy with someone else.
Don't jump the gun, till you know all the facts, from her and from his behavior. If she lives across the country you may be safe... if he suddenly has to go away on a business trip or out of town for some other reason, then your marriage is in serious trouble and he is going to meet up with her.
If you want to save it, if you want to make him turn back to you and away from her, you will have to pour on the charm, the same way you did when you were dating and before you got distracted with kids and all their stuff. Men need their egos stroked, she may be doing the stroking, but its your turn to take over. Let us know how it goes.. we care ~Red |
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June 11, 2009, 8:33 pm PDT
Quote From: lilacmess Wow! We're back. Can't believe I'm the first one to post. Hope all is well with everyone. Welcome back. Hi this is my first time here. I am going through a separation due to partly of Infidelity. My wife and I have been married for almost 8 years. I have a handsome 11 year old step son and beautiful 2 year old daughter that I got to deliver in this world (thank you very much doctor for giving me that loving memory). My wife and I are on the verge. I found out 3 weeks ago she had been unfaithful sometime back before our daughter was born. I was on top of the world ( sort of). She had went to her uncle's 65th birthday party and we were planning to be intimate that evening when she got back. I lit candles and was going to get something extra special for the evening that was in her drawer. We have a box of condoms in our drawer and I knew that there amount in there. We had them so we would not get pregnant again. Idecided to open the box just to look and maybe for fun to use one for the evening even though I had a vasectomy. Well to my dismay I found 2 were missing. I was pissed. She came home late and was intoxicate. I was fuming for a couple of days and took the plunge and asked her if she had cheated on me again. We had that problem before and thought it was over and were doing fine. Well she confessed. She did it because she felt we had no passion in bed and that she felt that it would bring some excitement back in our lives.I would think that maybe something like that would be discussed and worked on together. She feels that I have no ambition, which is a little true.I would get lost in being a father, cooking and being stuck in a dead end job that my hours were cut back. I wanted to look for work but myself felt I lost myself. She says she is theone to blame since she wants perfection and more out of life and does not think she will get what she wants and never be happy as long as we are married. I am the one to blame. I am a loving person. I love my kids, i do try my best to be active as much I could with the kids. She felt that our sex was wham bam thank you mam and off to sleep we go. But I would give her back and feet massages almost every night. She tells me that she could never be a woman to give that back. I tend to give the needs of others before mine. That is who I am. I care lovingly for those who I love. I never cheated on her. I never abused her, abused alcohol or would go out with the boys. I was happy being at home with our kids. I would let her go out to visit friends, but come to find out she was doing more then that. I recently left my job and starting a newone in few days. The past 3 weeks have been full of hurt and anger. I actually abused alcohol to numb my pain and started to smoke again after kicking the habit a year ago. She tells I am not handy around the house. yes I have neglected on that because I would be the kids and yes I have been lazy in that. i would cook, clean, take care of the kids. i love her and want the marriage to work. she wanted to go to a counsellor so we can try to fix us. I had left for a day to go on a annual fishing trip with some friends of mine. I cried the whole way and talked and even begged to God to give me hope to get the marriage back. I stopped at a store and on the ground I found a name tag with the word HOPE in pink rhinestones on the ground. I snapped it up and thought that it was one of the most amazing things I ever found. I came home the next day. She was with our daughter she was tired because she had gone to a dinner party for work and had went back to bed. I spent sometime with my daughter. I checked on my wife and went to give her a back massage. She enjoyed every minute of it. she said she missed me doing that. I was in heaven. then we went to a family barbeque and she looked right at me and said she loved me. i almost cried right there. i felt that there was something there to work on. i know that if we went to counselling it would be a long hard road. but counselling cost money and we don't have a lot. but just last night, she had visited her friend that was away in New York, she cooked my wife a meal for her since my wife was checking up on her cat while she was away. her friend is divorced and was the one who left her husband. but from what i could see in my wife when she came home, she had something on her mind. she felt that we are just pretending that nothing is happening. i told her that was not the case, just thought that there was a glimmer of hope that there was something to save. i don't think her friend is influencing her,from what I was told she not taking my side but thinks that she is throwing it away if we divorce. i was distraught again had packed my bag while she was sleeping, left a note for my family that i was going to go away for a couple of days to clear my head. but i have no where to go. i do not want my friends or family involved. i was ready to sleep in my car. after work i did a lot of thinking and could not be away for another millisecond from my kids.i had a 2 hour talk with my step son in his room. we laughed and cried, he thinks we are going to be ok because he does not want us to divorce. it breaks my heart to hear him say that. when i got home my wife was cleaning and something really got to me. all of our wedding pictures were put away. so here i am splling my guts out to strangers who are going over the same thing. i read countless stuff on the internet saying I should separate from her, and go on with my life, get financially secure and maybe if she sees i am happy and ok that she will want me back. but she is saying that we are to far gone. i do not know what to do i am beaten. |
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June 13, 2009, 7:58 pm PDT
Quote From: jlleb37 Hi this is my first time here. I am going through a separation due to partly of Infidelity. My wife and I have been married for almost 8 years. I have a handsome 11 year old step son and beautiful 2 year old daughter that I got to deliver in this world (thank you very much doctor for giving me that loving memory). My wife and I are on the verge. I found out 3 weeks ago she had been unfaithful sometime back before our daughter was born. I was on top of the world ( sort of). She had went to her uncle's 65th birthday party and we were planning to be intimate that evening when she got back. I lit candles and was going to get something extra special for the evening that was in her drawer. We have a box of condoms in our drawer and I knew that there amount in there. We had them so we would not get pregnant again. Idecided to open the box just to look and maybe for fun to use one for the evening even though I had a vasectomy. Well to my dismay I found 2 were missing. I was pissed. She came home late and was intoxicate. I was fuming for a couple of days and took the plunge and asked her if she had cheated on me again. We had that problem before and thought it was over and were doing fine. Well she confessed. She did it because she felt we had no passion in bed and that she felt that it would bring some excitement back in our lives.I would think that maybe something like that would be discussed and worked on together. She feels that I have no ambition, which is a little true.I would get lost in being a father, cooking and being stuck in a dead end job that my hours were cut back. I wanted to look for work but myself felt I lost myself. She says she is theone to blame since she wants perfection and more out of life and does not think she will get what she wants and never be happy as long as we are married. I am the one to blame. I am a loving person. I love my kids, i do try my best to be active as much I could with the kids. She felt that our sex was wham bam thank you mam and off to sleep we go. But I would give her back and feet massages almost every night. She tells me that she could never be a woman to give that back. I tend to give the needs of others before mine. That is who I am. I care lovingly for those who I love. I never cheated on her. I never abused her, abused alcohol or would go out with the boys. I was happy being at home with our kids. I would let her go out to visit friends, but come to find out she was doing more then that. I recently left my job and starting a newone in few days. The past 3 weeks have been full of hurt and anger. I actually abused alcohol to numb my pain and started to smoke again after kicking the habit a year ago. She tells I am not handy around the house. yes I have neglected on that because I would be the kids and yes I have been lazy in that. i would cook, clean, take care of the kids. i love her and want the marriage to work. she wanted to go to a counsellor so we can try to fix us. I had left for a day to go on a annual fishing trip with some friends of mine. I cried the whole way and talked and even begged to God to give me hope to get the marriage back. I stopped at a store and on the ground I found a name tag with the word HOPE in pink rhinestones on the ground. I snapped it up and thought that it was one of the most amazing things I ever found. I came home the next day. She was with our daughter she was tired because she had gone to a dinner party for work and had went back to bed. I spent sometime with my daughter. I checked on my wife and went to give her a back massage. She enjoyed every minute of it. she said she missed me doing that. I was in heaven. then we went to a family barbeque and she looked right at me and said she loved me. i almost cried right there. i felt that there was something there to work on. i know that if we went to counselling it would be a long hard road. but counselling cost money and we don't have a lot. but just last night, she had visited her friend that was away in New York, she cooked my wife a meal for her since my wife was checking up on her cat while she was away. her friend is divorced and was the one who left her husband. but from what i could see in my wife when she came home, she had something on her mind. she felt that we are just pretending that nothing is happening. i told her that was not the case, just thought that there was a glimmer of hope that there was something to save. i don't think her friend is influencing her,from what I was told she not taking my side but thinks that she is throwing it away if we divorce. i was distraught again had packed my bag while she was sleeping, left a note for my family that i was going to go away for a couple of days to clear my head. but i have no where to go. i do not want my friends or family involved. i was ready to sleep in my car. after work i did a lot of thinking and could not be away for another millisecond from my kids.i had a 2 hour talk with my step son in his room. we laughed and cried, he thinks we are going to be ok because he does not want us to divorce. it breaks my heart to hear him say that. when i got home my wife was cleaning and something really got to me. all of our wedding pictures were put away. so here i am splling my guts out to strangers who are going over the same thing. i read countless stuff on the internet saying I should separate from her, and go on with my life, get financially secure and maybe if she sees i am happy and ok that she will want me back. but she is saying that we are to far gone. i do not know what to do i am beaten. counselling yourself, even if she won't go with you. It will do you good. Find a local church if you can't afford to pay, most ministers/priests will counsell for free.
If your wife has cheated before she will do it again... why.. because she isn't happy and she is looking for something that she isnt' getting from your marriage. You might want to save your marriage, but unfortunately it takes two people to make a marriage work, when its in good shape and floating along and most of all when it is on the rocks. You can't save it alone if she isn't willing... sorry
Try to keep the kids out of your "feelings".. they don't need the stress. Just make sure they know how much you love them, how you will always be there for them.. and if she is cheating..maybe your state has fault divorce laws and you could file for custody of the kids? Good luck |
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June 14, 2009, 8:29 am PDT
Quote From: redneon counselling yourself, even if she won't go with you. It will do you good. Find a local church if you can't afford to pay, most ministers/priests will counsell for free.
If your wife has cheated before she will do it again... why.. because she isn't happy and she is looking for something that she isnt' getting from your marriage. You might want to save your marriage, but unfortunately it takes two people to make a marriage work, when its in good shape and floating along and most of all when it is on the rocks. You can't save it alone if she isn't willing... sorry
Try to keep the kids out of your "feelings".. they don't need the stress. Just make sure they know how much you love them, how you will always be there for them.. and if she is cheating..maybe your state has fault divorce laws and you could file for custody of the kids? Good luck That is good advice. I had a mutual friend who I spoke with yesterday and gave me a epiphany. I had did some thinking and made a decision. I would like this marriage to work. I was putting all the blame on myself. Couples should talk about issues, instead of just cheating. She never really spoke of certain things. I had several different types of advise from those who had been cheated on and those who were the cheaters. 98% are telling me that what my wife did was unjustifiable and she is going to loose out. She is looking for something that married people can't have. She wants to party, go out. I have friends and in laws with kids and they tell me that she is messed up and needs to get her life on track. I tell myself that kids learn from example from their parents. I think that if my daughter when she gets old and she is going through the same thing and tells her. I would feel like I had failed as a parent if my child told me that if I were the one who did the cheating. My wife supposedly went to a friends last night and ended up spending the night so she won't drink and drive. A part of me says true other says false. I am going to have a heart to heart talk to her when she gets home. She would never see a priest. My mutual friend knows the whole story and she feels that my wife got caught and she is on the defense. I know I did not do certain things to make her stay and I own up to those things. I am getting my life together making a financial difference for my kids and me. She demands perfection and when I think of the certain things I did not do around the house for fixing, and that is one of the reasons why I never did those things. Because if I did do anything, she would pick. She had told me that she never really appreciates anything at all. We have an ant problem and have taken dozens of steps to get rid of them. But she complains that this house is a hell hole. But I think, we have a home. It's not perfect. It has a roof, walls are stable. The house looked plain before we moved and and did some sprucing up. People have commented on what we did and how beautiful the house looks. I had this mutual friend tell me that they know she is unappreciative what she has. A loving husband who is not a drunk, not a drug abuser, physical abuser to her and the kids. She has a wild heart and I can't tame it. With the epiphany I had yesterday, I am going to be ok. It will take time, I am not sure if I need counseling or not. It may do some good. But down to it, she needs it more then I do. Thinking that she cheated makes me wonder if I have been damaged due to STDS. I am going to go get myself checked. I fine it degrading that a spouse would cheat that a person would use them for the evening and say bye and on their way. She needs to grow up and do a lot of thinking, because really at this point I am tired of waiting for her if she wants to get help for us. Because not only is she hurting herself but those who love her. I am making changes on myself for me and most importanly the kids. I want them in my life period. I told my son yesterday that I am going to be ok, and that is all I said. I should have not talked with him the other day, I was still broken, but now I think I am fixable. |
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June 22, 2009, 9:21 pm PDT
I have been married for several years. Not the best marriage, however we have a child we are raising, and trying to see this through. For the last couple of years there has been a Woman that hangs around one of the house's that a few of the men get together at a few times a week. Eventually, she started "dating" one of the guys. For sometime now I have suspected that my husband is "infatuated" with her. I have several reasons to beleive this as well as comments from other people. (Did I mention this girl is NOT attractive and low intelligence) after quitely observing his behavier in her presence, I can only conclude that he is somehow infatuated with her. Maybe things have gone further, I really don't know. I recently confronted him with what I had observed. Of course he hates confrontation and thinks I am crazy. I do KNOW what I have seen, and feel whatever has happened or is going on is infidelity. I don't beleive you have to have intercourse to be unfaithful. I am sick of the disrespect toward me, and of course the refusal to talk about the subject and just try to ignore it. He has twice recently, yelled and screamed at me in front of her, as to put on a show for no good reason. i would like some advice on how to handle this situation to regain my dignity, and try to get him to be honest and deal with this. Thanks!
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July 14, 2009, 4:15 pm PDT
I have been married to my husband for 7 years now but has been together for 12 years. I just found out that he is texting a younger female from his personal phone. I asked him about this and he says that she wanted to talk about her marital affairs for advice. My husband is in the military and I know that females will have conversations with him but I think that this is too personal. I was told by him that he has not talked to her in 2wks.......that is a lie. They are texting each other on a daily basis. We are not communicating as we should. I want to believe that there is nothing going on but my heart tells me differently. |
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July 15, 2009, 11:36 am PDT
Quote From: solesista2006 I have been married to my husband for 7 years now but has been together for 12 years. I just found out that he is texting a younger female from his personal phone. I asked him about this and he says that she wanted to talk about her marital affairs for advice. My husband is in the military and I know that females will have conversations with him but I think that this is too personal. I was told by him that he has not talked to her in 2wks.......that is a lie. They are texting each other on a daily basis. We are not communicating as we should. I want to believe that there is nothing going on but my heart tells me differently. Sista, you are wise not to let your wish to believe what he says delude you. Cheaters always count on that. It may not have progressed to the physical point but if not addressed, that is where it's headed. Ask him what qualifies him to be a marriage counselor? Does he have a degree or certificate? He is obviously NOT being attentive to his own marriage, and so the rightful conclusion is that this is just an excuse to have a relationship with another woman. Also, you know he is lying because you have proof.
So, you're next step would be to think about YOUR options and what YOU want to do. Know that doing nothing means nothing will change for YOU. If you want to save your marriage, your actions might include seeing how willing he is to work with you, If you decide to pack it in, make your arrangements. Just remember, he is the one that caused you to think about what is best and right for YOU. When he began this behavior, he took himself out of your considerations about what is right and best for YOU. It was his decision to seek whatever it is he feels he lacks from another instead of coming to you and finding a way to communicate his needs. He took a lazy and self-serving step to solve a problem that should have been solved between the two of you. You may hear things like you didn't pay enough attention to him, and they may be true, but the decision to look elsewhere was his. |
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August 9, 2009, 7:39 pm PDT
Here's the scenario: Husband and Wife are newlyweds. Prior to the
wedding, an ex-girlfriend came back into the picture while husband and
wife were dating. The guy talked with the ex about getting back
together and fiance found out. The guy says there was nothing to it,
old feelings came rushing back for a fleeting moment, but it wasn't
reality. Fiance forgave and the couple moved forward and got married. A
few months into the marriage, wife finds out that husband and the ex
are still talking to each other, not just a few minutes, but hours over
the phone and via email and text. Husband says there's nothing going on
and that it's just a "release" to be able to talk to an old "friend".
Wife feels he should be able to talk to her, not another woman. She
feels its emotional infidelity. How would you feel if your husband/wife
continued to talk with his/her ex-girlfriend/boyfriend to this extent
and what would you do? |
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August 10, 2009, 8:42 am PDT
Quote From: texasbride Here's the scenario: Husband and Wife are newlyweds. Prior to the wedding, an ex-girlfriend came back into the picture while husband and wife were dating. The guy talked with the ex about getting back together and fiance found out. The guy says there was nothing to it, old feelings came rushing back for a fleeting moment, but it wasn't reality. Fiance forgave and the couple moved forward and got married. A few months into the marriage, wife finds out that husband and the ex are still talking to each other, not just a few minutes, but hours over the phone and via email and text. Husband says there's nothing going on and that it's just a "release" to be able to talk to an old "friend". Wife feels he should be able to talk to her, not another woman. She feels its emotional infidelity. How would you feel if your husband/wife continued to talk with his/her ex-girlfriend/boyfriend to this extent and what would you do? The answer to your dilemma depends on what you expect from your husband and how you react to the truth.
Personally, I think that if your husband talked about getting back together with an old flame on the eve of your wedding, he is not ready for marriage to you or anybody else. The fact that he is now in contact regularly with this woman for hours at a time in various ways underscores that he is not ready for marriage. You are entirely correct, he should be talking to you, not her or any other woman. The only time this would not be so is if you both discussed and agreed that an "open" marriage is what you both want. It may be emotional infidelity, but I think all out physical cheating is right around the corner if it hasn't already begun.
The question is whether you're going to keep listening to his excuses and letting him off the hook? What would he have to do in order for you to trust him again? What will you do if he is unwilling to do these things for you? How will you be assured that he is being faithful to you? What if he complies for awhile, but then goes back to old habits? Think about this, be very clear about your wants, and then confront him. It is likely that he will deny an affair til his death, most cheaters do so don't count on a confession. Be true to yourself and if he is not worthy of marriage, cut your losses before a huge loss of your own self esteem occurs. |
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